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I’m so glad you are working learning about yourself and learning to shift how you interact. This is a tough one because he held it in for soooo long, so it just grew and grew inside of him. This is HIS issue and also a very destructive pattern. Even if you completely shift, it will not change that he avoids being honest. This kind of pattern also sabotages intimacy and connection. He also needs to do his part. Do you think this is something he would be willing to do at some point? Is he open to seeing a therapist as well? Does he take any responsibility for how he contributed to his own unhappiness?
First and foremost, he is going to need some time. He has been unhappy in the relationship for such a long time, that those negative thoughts will need time to subside. How much time? Everyone is different. What will help is him knowing that you are working on yourself and then having different experiences with you so he feels and sees that you are changing and that he won’t be stepping back into the same pattern. He doesn’t feel safe with you, so that is your first priority…to create a space for emotional safety. He also needs to create it in himself, so no matter how much you do, he still needs to do his part in order for things to work. You both created this pattern and it’s going to take both of you to undo it. He has broken trust as well by not being honest.
Do you guys still talk or interact at all right now?
Heidi
Oh good! I’m glad you have more of an understanding about what I am saying! I’m not sure if you will receive this message. I hope so!
Any reaching out I want to do, any of these “right words” I wish I could say would be to help him think differently about our relationship, not about who I am. This makes much more sense. Thank you for explaining further. I wish you could do that as well. Let’s look at the position that puts you in though. You become the teacher. You become the person who has the strength to view life from many perspectives and he becomes the person who learns those perspectives FROM YOU, instead of searching for them on his own. You become the grower and he becomes the student who watches and learns from you. I’ve been in this kind of dynamic a gazillion times! It starts out so minimal and just small moments, but over time it grows and grows and grows because I cannot help who I am or what I know and the guy cannot help but learn from me. And the truth is…it would always makes things last longer and I knew that. I could help them think and feel in more expanded ways and help the relationship become more functional. It never lasted though. It’s an unbalanced dynamic and it’s a dynamic where you are not equals. You need a guy who has the strength to take his own journeys inside. You need a guy who is more emotionally intelligent. You need a guy who can communicate with you about the depths of who he is, why he is feeling the way he does and how he takes ACTION to work with those parts. Isn’t that who you are? You offer that in connection and receiving anything less than that in return, will make the relationship very challenging long term. You need a guy who approaches life and himself in a similar way that you do. Relationships are hard enough as it is, so being likeminded in how you solve challenges within and without is a crucial piece of a love that can last and grow. I know you guys flowed really well together, but he now showing you another side to him and how he wants to handle things. This is enough information to tell you he doesn’t have what it takes for the type of relationship you truly need in order for you to feel safe and nourished long term. His decision to disconnect completely, for reasons he won’t tell you, is PLENTY enough information for you to know that this kind of decision comes from a low functioning, disrespectful, unconscious mindset. He doesn’t need you to teach him anything. If he wants to learn something, he can go find the answers himself. He needs you to ACCEPT and see him for ALL of who he is and this side of him is pretty dysfunctional. It doesn’t matter that you think he may still want to connect or that he still has feelings for you, you have look at what his choice is. If those things are true, he is STILL choosing to disconnect and not talk to you about it. That says A LOT in and of itself.
That’s why I am wishing I could just say something to help him think things through a little differently and have a little more control to get a result I want Let’s really look at the last part of this statement “to get the result I want.” Oh man…this is a tough one. We all feel this way a gazillion times in a lifetime. What I always say to myself is that I am getting exactly what I need, even though it may not be what I want. What I want, comes from a limited perspective. What I want comes from seeing a grain of sand on a beach. What I want comes from the ego. What we need can be a completely different thing and I suppose I trust that more than anything. The person I have become up to this point, I wouldn’t trade for 1 second. All those moments of NOT getting what I wanted shaped me and developed an internal strength that feels so damn good! So I have ALWAYS gotten what I needed, even though it never felt good.
Shouldn’t I be able to have a say if it involves me? But I envy her ability to do SOMETHING. Yes! You can be and say anything you want to! I always encourage people to say what they need to, but to let go of the result. So if you want to say something to him, then go ahead. BUT…do it for you and not for him to come back to you. Do it just because you have something to say and you want to express it and then…let it all go. What I encourage first though, is to write out over and over and over again. Get the energy out, get the words out and do not edit. I’ve even done that in that car many times, talking into a recorder. There are a lot of things to consider when deciding how to express what you want to say and who to say it to and the most important question is “WHY” do you need to say it. Most of the time, we are seeking some kind of result and that’s something that can cause a lot more damage. There’s a lot to consider when wanting to say something to someone who has disconnected from you. I most encourage working through things on your own and letting the person go, but sometimes, it can be very healing just to use your voice. So use it…talk into a recorder and let it all out many many times until you feel completely empty. You may not need to say anything to him after that.
I know I challenge a lot of your thoughts, but that helps me think deeper and understand better. Oh my goodness I so appreciate your honesty and strength to say something! It makes me better. I always am open to being challenged. It stretches me, helps me see where my own fault lines are and it creates a very honest connection. So thank you for being you!
My website is heidigoodrich.com if you feel like you would like to continue staying connected.
Take care Kelsey! It was a pleasure and honor taking this short journey with you!
I’ll ignore my fears and training not to call and call him this weekend. What fears? What training? I assume he is expecting your call, yes? I’m excited to hear how it goes!
I’m glad to hear that Ron is checking in on you. It sounds like he cares. It’s a tough situation you are in for sure. I love that you are getting grounded back into your faith and trust that you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now, even though you don’t understand it. I know how hard that is!
Yes!!! I saw the race!!! It was incredible and I’m sure a movie will be made about it at some point LOL. Everyone is talking about it! I can’t believe you heard about it all the way over there! I’m hoping there was nothing shady that went on. I know the jockey was suspended after the race. Horse racing is so hard for me. It’s beautiful and amazing but often times very unkind to the horses. Either way, it’s nice to hear people talking about something other than Covid or politics or Ukraine.
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more! It sounds like this is a pretty strong pattern for you to blame. Why do you think that is? What is happening for you that need to point the finger?
This is a pattern that is very destructive for any kind of relationship. Is this something you are willing to shift and work on? It sounds like he would just joke about it instead of being honest in the moment about how it made him feel. Is this his normal pattern as well?
Heidi
I feel a little misunderstood and hurt. I am whole and complete as a person—with or without him. OMG! Thank you for saying this!!! I’m so so sorry that you feel misunderstood and hurt by what I said. It’s so darn difficult on this forum sometimes to communicate in a way that is clear. I did not mean at all to make you feel like you were not a complete person. You are a very strong and grounded person and I’ve felt that from the beginning. I don’t feel at all that you need this guy to define you. It’s quite the opposite actually, but I can see why you felt this way. Everything I am talking about is shining a light on a PART of you, but is in no way a reflection of the whole person you are. I am just putting a magnifying glass on the part of you that is not aligned with the truth that the rest of you is aligned with. Does this make more sense?
I am human, so I do have cracks, but I don’t expect anyone to fill those. That is not why I am wanting to still connect with him. I said what I said because of this statement: I can’t help but think that if I find the right words to say he will be more willing to talk. This is a story running in your system saying “If I were better, if I were more, if I were something different, then he might talk to me.” If you feel into those words, it’s basically saying that you are not enough just as you are and that if you said something “right” he might re-connect. Wouldn’t you say that a guy should want to connect with you because he is interested in your entire being and he KNOWS, without hesitation, that you are someone he wants in his life, regardless of what you say or don’t say? You are so much more than any of the “right” words you think you should be saying to him. You are a beautiful, powerful, authentic, loving, strong woman. If he is not able to connect into that and be inspired by the WHOLE being that you are, then saying the “right” words are worth nothing because you are already enough and worth loving and fighting for without the “right” words. You are worth loving, even when you don’t have the “right” words, you are worth loving even when you say the wrong things, even when you are really messy, even with the baggage you carry. This guy is not able to offer you that kind of experience…at least not right now. Does this make more sense about what I am saying?
With all of that being said, I do know that you know all of this already. I can tell by what you say, that you have a strong and solid connection with yourself and I’m not saying anything new to you. AND…there is a part of you, that doesn’t know this. There is a part of you that said “if I could just say the right words…” that isn’t aligned with the truth that you already know about your value. You got triggered by his choice and that trigger is exposing this little girl energy that believes if she were something different, then she would be loveable. Your adult self knows otherwise though. I’m shining the light on this part of you because it’s her energy that will keep you stuck in pain and not able to process the loss.
I just see others able to take more control of situations like this and get what they need and want. I’m tired of just accepting whatever happens happens when I can have more of a say. This is an interesting statement. Tell me more about this. What makes you think you have more of a say? What aspects do you feel you can have more of a say about? And what makes you think that others are getting what they need and want? What are they taking control of?
I don’t feel like connection with him is a bandaid. I want to be with him and nothing seemed wrong. I don’t believe he 100% wanted to stop talking. This is a very slippery slope here. I completely understand how you feel AND I’ve done tons of deep work on myself and others to discover that the hurt I feel when I lose someone is ALWAYS riddled with lies, insecurities, limiting beliefs, low self-esteem. If you are hurting, that is a sign that you are not fully connected to the truth. That’s why I’m saying it’s a bandaid. You are hurting and there is a part of you that wants out of that pain by connecting with him again. That’s the bandaid part I’m talking about. Wanting to take that route of an outside source helping you feel better. There is nothing wrong with that route, except that it’s not available for you. He is not available. So that leaves you with yourself and having to love yourself through this loss and disappointment, like you have many times before.
Is it possible to hurt simply because you miss someone? I’m going to say no to this one. I know it’s bold to say, but I’ve just had too many experiences that tell me otherwise. If I miss someone, it’s that I’m missing the part of myself that he brought out in me. I miss how I get to feel. I miss the part of me that he activated. I miss someone because of what is in ME. Every single time that I have deeply missed a guy, it gets resolved 100% of the time when I heal the hurt, the stories, the low self-esteem, the confusion or whatever it is that got activated by the loss. When I heal those fragmenteted little girl parts of myself, what I am always left with is peace and clarity. I may miss the connection or how I got to feel, but it’s a different kind of missing where I have no need to re-connect. It’s kind of like a “I appreciate you so much for what you brought into my world and I will miss the mixture of that AND I’m all good. I’m peaceful, I’m resolved, I’m clear, I’m happy and I’m grateful for the experience. End of story.” It’s really hard to explain how that feels unless you’ve experienced it. Maybe you have, I don’t know. I just know that when there is an energy and a draw of wanting to bring someone back into your life that is not available for you, there is a lot of wounded energy sourcing that need and sourcing the hurt and that is what it feels like when you speak.
I do want to say it’s NOT the whole story. I’m focusing only on the struggle part of it. I do see the beauty and power that experiencing him has brought you. It sounds like it was a really wonderful connection and I’m so sad that it changed…that he changed. It’s so frustrating, confusing and many other words I’m not allowed to say :). It’s so incredibly difficult to let go of something that felt so darn good.
I’ve tried to work on myself, tried talking to other guys, I’ve gone out with friends. What EXACTLY are you doing to work on yourself? I’m interested in hearing how you are working with your hurt, besides meeting other guys and going out with friends. That stuff is helpful for sure and important, but it’s not healing kind of work. What else are you doing?
Let me know your thoughts.
Heidi
I have an observation which I am not sure of its accuracy , is that most men, the great majority are emotionally unavailable and perhaps feel somewhat threatened by the notion of having to have such connection This observation I would say applies to women as well. It applies to all of us on some level, if you really think about it. It just depends on your own emotional availability compared to the person you are sitting in front of. Love is a quite a challenging thing for most people. Like I explained about the happy factor, a woman could FEEL like she is available, but I have seen PLENTY of times, they meet a nice guy who treats them so beautifully and they get everything they want, but end up sabotaging it. So I’d say it’s more of a human condition vs. a male thing. Men do have a lot of catching up to do, but women I also find can be quite chaotic. The biggest complain men have about women is how confusing they are. They say one thing but do another. Men are incredibly confused about women because women can be quite unorganized emotionally. BUT…men can trigger that for sure. Men have a really hard time with emotions compared to women. So that’s the beautiful dance we get to have with each other. We each have our limitations both collectively and personally and it’s important to honor our differences, our challenges and our limitations. That’s where self-love comes in. The more you are able to love your own limitations, the more accepting and honoring you become of others, right? But accepting and honoring their limitations, DOES NOT MEAN you should be in a relationship with them. It just means not judging them.
Focusing on self love and connection to our selves can guide to some extent , not sure it will help arriving at the final destination however in relationships as two make a tango…right ? There are 2 things about this. First, there is NO final destination. Falling in love and meeting your partner is not a final destination, because even in that, there could be endings in some form or another and you have to process the loss and keep moving forward, right? The JOURNEY is the destination. It’s in every single moment that we are in, where our destination lies. That’s the challenge. I coach people to view dating as a teacher. Let it teach you about yourself. Stop looking for “the one” and view each experience as a perspective to view yourself. Each person reflects back to you who you are. Each person brings out different sides of you. Each person exposes your strengths and weaknesses. THAT is your destination, not love with another person. Each person is an opportunity for you to increase your self love. That’s the ultimate, most powerful thing you could ever posses and develop. It might be in your 60s that you finally get to have that self love reach out to another man that welcomes it with open arms. It might be never. It might be next week. We never know what is ahead of us each day. What we DO know though, is the more self-love you have, the higher quality love you will be able to create the container for. When you love and respect yourself, you set standards, you don’t ignore red flags, you are able to love limitations in your partner, you are able to support a love that can grow and expand beyond what you could even imagine. Dating is the platform to practice all of those things, right? This guy who has disconnected is giving you the opportunity to wake up to more of who you are…to connect more deeply to your value, to inspire you to learn new things that are important for you, to accept him for his limitations and honor them by not judging him or chasing after him. He is a painful gift, but a gift none the less. If this experience DEEPLY strengthened your self-love and helped you learn some new things about yourself, would you NOT want this to have happened the way it did? Would you give all the gifts back in trade for a longer connection with him?
Heidi
Hi Emma,
Thank you for being here and sharing your challenge and situation. It’s quite the powerless feeling to not be able to help someone you deeply care about. Being so far away is incredibly difficult.
My guess is, you have never met in person, correct? Did you guys ever make any plans to meet in person?
I know you love him and I know he treated you in such special ways that were meaningful for you. The thing about someone who is depressed and self-harming, is their love is VERY limited. A basic rule is no one can offer you something they are not able to give to themselves. Someone in that mindset is NOT self-loving and therefore not really able to love you in a healthy, high functioning way. If he doesn’t know his own worth, then he will heavily rely on you for that and it’s not your job and it’s an incredibly damaging pattern to both you and him.
I know you will most likely completely reject this idea, as most people do. The thing about only knowing someone through technology is you only get to see bits and pieces of them. Truly knowing someone is seeing and experiencing them IN THE MOMENT in many different situations. I know there is a strong connection, but that connection is built off of a very limited perspective and then your mind builds out the rest of his personality based on your imagination. It’s what our mind naturally does to fill in the gaps. It’s even possible that he is making all of this up too. I’ve come across PLENTY of women who have had boyfriends for many many months that all of a sudden break things off and then later it is discovered they were being “played.” There are PLENTY of predators of all kinds, hanging out on online dating sites looking for a woman who will play into their game. I’m not saying this is your situation. I’m just saying there are many possibilities about what is actually happening here and why he is choosing to disconnect. The ONLY evidence you have are his words and that’s just not enough evidence to prove anything. This is where most women completely reject the idea because their hearts are telling them something very different, so I get your desire to want to keep him in your life.
The bottom line truth is, if this guy’s depression and self-harming are still present in his life, he is NOT available for any kind of relationship until he deals head on with those feelings. The entire relationship would end up being about him. You would end up being so scared to confront him about anything because it would trigger his harmful behaviors. That is no way to live in a relationship AND it’s a very limited kind of love that turns more into enabling than anything else. He is not set up to have nor offer a healthy, nourishing love that grows and expands and can last. I know that is so incredibly difficult to face because your heart is hurting and so badly wants to connect with him. In truth, he may be doing you the very best favor by keeping you away from him because his love REALLY is not enough and he knows that. Trust him to make the very best decision for himself.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Soldy,
Wow. 8 years is a long time! Have you guys ever broken up before? Do you normally blame him for everything? Is that how you feel?
There is some truth in what he is saying. Anytime someone blames someone else for how they are feeling, it’s a victim mindset. We all feel the way we feel because of all the experiences that have shaped up combined with our personalities. There is a lot to talk about on this topic, but let me just ask you first, what do you want from him? What are you needing? Are you willing to learn a different way of communicating that makes him your partner vs. the perpetrator?
Heidi
I’m so sorry you are having such a hard time. Ever since I’ve known you, your job has been incredibly challenging in one way or another. You haven’t been happy to be where you are at in many years.
I know you are blaming yourself for not listening better to God. With that kind of thinking, are you saying that if you listen to God, only good things happen? Is that how you believe? What if this is EXACTLY where God needs you to be? What if there is something here for you or for someone else that just hasn’t been exposed yet? What if you being there is stretching and challenging you to become something more inside, or develop a new skillset, or meet someone who will change your life 5 years down the road? Would you say that God is so much bigger than any challenge we face and that our happiness is not what is always the most important? The challenge, the hardship, the struggles are what shape us into something new. Can’t God work that way as well? So to say this is your fault, is a pretty limited perspective. Why not view this as struggle being part of your path very purposefully? What can you learn about yourself while going through this? What new ways can you learn to handle depression? What can you do to release the anger you feel? How can you connect to God’s beautiful country that you get to see over there? How can this situation serve you? If you search for the gifts in all of this, it makes all these challenges that much more do-able. Of course the frustrations don’t go away, but your attitude towards them can shift. Why not believe that God WANTS you there and that everything is happening exactly as it’s supposed to be happening and you don’t see all the aspects of why you are there yet? If that’s your viewpoint and TRULY believed God wants you there and this is not a mistake, then how can you be a servant to God while you are there? How can you embrace the challenges differently? Maybe go connect again with the Bible and read some of the stories of people that followed God clearly, yet faced incredible hardship. There was a higher purpose, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy and happy and cozy. Many times, it’s quite the opposite. Keep finding ways to encourage yourself and embrace where you are at right now instead of wasting your energy on regret and blaming yourself.
So now that you paid more for silver singles, were you able to connect with Aleks? Did he respond? That definitely is an expensive conversation, but who knows, maybe he will turn out to be pretty great or maybe someone else will that you will meet that way.
Oh poor Trav!!!! How awful! I think we have all had moments like that and it’s so incredibly frustrating. I love his efforts though. It’s a lesson in patience, right??? Man, that sucks.
Heidi
I think my pattern is I fall for men who chase woo and flood me with love , then I’m full on with them and give with no limit and then I loose their love Yes, I’ve come across this pattern before…mostly from women. The reasons and what sources this pattern exists is unique to each person, but there is a common thread. I’m not saying this is you, because I haven’t worked with you, but what I have found in the past is the women are missing all kinds of signals coming from the man. They are subconscious signals mostly. It’s not unusual for these to be missed because most people do not understand the language of the subconscious, yet it leaks out everywhere, all the time, especially when it comes to love. The signals are mostly subtle but sometimes quite obvious, but it’s not unusual for the energy of the connection to be much bigger and stronger than the subconscious signals where the red flags exist. When someone feels soooo good and passionate and chasing after you, that’s what tends to be focused on and felt and everything else falls to the side.
I’m wondering if that is what is happening for you. You might have this inherent trust that what someone says and does is what is real and true for them. When it comes to dating and love, this is not actually the case many times, especially in the beginning when you are getting to know someone and in the honeymoon/easy phase. The thing is, very few people do not even know they are sending off red flags, because they don’t even know their own subconscious signals telling them about how they REALLY feel. This is where most people are split. They act and say one thing, but then other things and actions they do are not in alignment. Like your guy…he says some amazing things about you and chased after you and strongly connected, but then wants to disconnect. Why? Who knows the real reasons, but whatever reason it is, it’s much bigger than his desire to connect with you. He either is not telling you something OR it’s his fears that are creeping up from his subconscious and influencing his need to disconnect.
For example, there is this thing I call the “happy factor.” We all have it. It’s our limit of how happy we will allow ourselves to be. The determining factor of how happy we can be is how much low self-esteem we carry deep within us. So someone who has A LOT of fear and low self-esteem, will not allow themselves to feel really happy. They might feel happy for a period of time, but it’s not sustainable. So let’s just use a bathtub as a visual. Let’s say this guy you are dating has a container for happiness the size of a bathtub. So he will live and build his life to stay within the container of the bathtub. So let’s say you came into his life and started filling that bathtub even more. Let’s say the water started to get to the top and is super super close to overflowing. His system, from a subconscious place, the place where fear and lies will burrow and grow, will say “Hey!!!! We are about to overflow so we need to let some water out!!!” So something deep within him, would influence his need to sabotage…hence he decides to disconnect and make sure he doesn’t feel happy for too long…so the water stays within the safe range. I’m not saying this is for sure what happened for him, but this is a functioning pattern in humanity. Happiness is terrifying to the parts of us that carry our fears, our limiting beliefs, the lies we invest in and our low self-esteem. These parts of us will “protect” us against being happy. So the way to increase the size of the bathtub is to journey INTO the fears, the lies, the programs etc. and release them and replace them with truth….hence increased high self-esteem….hence the bathtub gets a little bigger.
People are always so confused about why someone sabotages something they really wanted. This is the general concept as to what the psyche does. There are a lot more details to this concept, but I think you get the idea….yes?
This is why I became an expert on reading subconscious signals…I could see what a person was saying and doing but also see what is living in their subconscious because I know how the subconscious speaks. Does the conscious and subconscious match?? Do they not match? If they don’t match, there is a split…one part of them supporting their happiness and alignment and another part sabotaging it. This allows me to see the FULL picture of someone vs. just going off of what is presented to me. Does this make sense?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there,
So are you a little sweet on Jeop? Or is he just a friend? Or maybe you don’t know him well enough yet?
I’m so sorry you are struggling so much. I know how awful it is to be somewhere you don’t want to be. It takes an incredible amount of energy and life force to get through the day. I love your shift in perspective though. Every day it’s going to be practice for you to pay attention to what you DO have. What IS working for you? Keeping your focus on those aspects will help you deal with the depression and find a place of gratitude and acceptance for where you are at right now.
Are you journaling at all? I know you don’t have your mountains. I actually understand what you mean about not feeling like yourself without the mountains. I’m the same way. Nature connects me to a part of myself that only nature can. I’m so grateful to be surrounded by this kind of beauty. Being that it’s not available for you right now, the great thing is, it can help you get to know other parts of yourself. It’s kind of like losing a sense. When you lose your eyesight, your hearing becomes more intensified, right? So without your mountains, you get to explore other ways to source your spirit and find joy. You get to be creative in your discoveries. Experiment with EVERYTHING! Painting, singing, dancing, writing a book, writing letters to your sons/grandkids, learning a new language, knitting….I mean the list is a gazillion miles long about how you can access your creativity, your heart, your joy and start to really source yourself in new ways. Depression is so entirely consuming and will color EVERYTHING gray, so you need to fight harder to put color into your day while you are there. And also find ways to express and move your anger, your confusion, your depression. Journaling is a great pathway, EFT, screaming into a pillow and there are a TON more techniques you can be doing daily for yourself to help you work with the feelings you are carrying around. Now is the time to proactive and really take care of yourself.
Heidi
Wow! Incredibly unusual to have a happy childhood. I love it!! While your parents were amazing in general, they are still human. There may have been moments when they were not at their best and rejected you, didn’t listen to you, didn’t support you etc. These kinds of moments happen in school as well. What about any siblings? SOMETHING in you has sought out men that were rejecting. You were in a loveless marriage for 20 years. You are now chasing after a guy who isn’t chasing you back. So your pattern with men is to attract emotionally unavailable men. Not that it’s all on you, of course. It’s just about looking at your side of things and starting to really connect to how you design your romantic life.
It could even be that you grew up with parents that were really good role models, so you never saw or learned about the challenges, signs and dysfunction that shows up in a person. So you inherently trust a guy and what he says, because you don’t really have a radar for anything else. I’m curious though…what made you stay in a loveless marriage for 20 years…especially when that is quite the opposite of what your parents role modeled for you?
What is your belief about yourself when it comes to love? Do you believe you deserve to be treated like a queen? Valued? Honored? Respected? Do you believe that you are just unlucky when it comes to love? Do you feel that maybe it’s not meant for you? I’m looking for some of your common thoughts and feelings you have about yourself in relationship to love.
Heidi
LOL! I actually have been told by many people that I need to write a book 🙂 It’s actually been coming up a lot stronger in me this past year. It’s funny that you said what you said. Such a confirmation for me. Thank you thank you!
Deeper self-love is a journey. I liken it to a treasure hunt. The ultimate treasures are the rare, valuable pieces you find of yourself. The map along the way is life…the pain, the hurt, the joy, the gratitude…it all guides us closer and closer towards discovering those parts of ourselves that aren’t quite integrated yet.
Most of those parts get separated from us when we are younger. It’s fascinating actually, how our brains and spirits work in unison to help us get past traumas or disruptions. For example, when a trauma occurs, it’s stored in state specific form. Meaning, if I was traumatized at 2 years old, it stores in my brain as a 2 year old. When that network gets activated, let’s say because I was rejected by a guy and it triggers the rejection of my mother or father at 2 years old, my reaction to that current rejection is sourced by a 2 year old mentality. That’s why pain is such an incredible gift and gateway to transformation. It tells us what we have not resolved yet. It tells us where those parts of ourselves are still stuck and it gives us an opportunity to connect, love and have compassion for our parts that are still holding onto the pain. This is where deep, powerful self-love is most impactful. This is where we learn to source ourselves and heal ourselves and not rely on someone else (who happened to press the button of that network) to help us feel better. Other people can help us, but ultimately, it is OUR pain that is so unique to us that only we can do the real work for true healing. It’s a forever journey.
Are there moments from your past that this rejection you are dealing with has triggered?
Heidi
It’s much more powerful to embrace my worth and let things be and just let it speak for itself. This is the truest and most powerful thing you have said!
I can’t help but think that if I find the right words to say he will be more willing to talk. Really? And what “words” do you think you can say? I bring you back to this question: Is it a loving and compassionate and connective thing for you to chase after a guy who doesn’t want to be connected?
But the emotional side of me, my warrior side, my passionate side, my caring side, doesn’t want me to give up on him. You are looking outside of yourself (to him) to resolve this pain inside, instead of claiming it, owning it and shifting it yourself. We all do this. We want the person who hurt us, to make us feel better. Instead, the power and healing lies within YOU, not him. I like to ask this question “What is it that I am wanting him to do or be for me, that I am not willing to do or be for myself?” This is a question you can apply to ANY situation where someone is not behaving like you want them to. When you find yourself trying to get something from someone they are not willing to give, then it’s time for you to source yourself. Give to yourself what you are craving and wanting from them. His absence is giving you the map to the greatest treasure you could ever attain…YOU. YOU are the treasure. The pain is the map. The pain points tell you where your “fault lines” exist – where the cracks in your self-esteem hold the deep, dark wounds – where the pain is so you can heal those parts of yourself.
So instead of looking at him to help you feel better, look inside and work WITH your pain. Your hurt has a story. What’s the story? What part of you is holding onto the need to control this situation? What part of you is not loving you? What part of you wants to chase after a guy who isn’t interested? Connect with those parts of yourself and hear your story. What are the lies you are carrying around about yourself? What are the limiting, false beliefs that are running in your veins? This journey is where you will start to find some answers and where you have the power to heal yourself in MUCH GREATER ways compared to if you got this guy to re-connect with you. He is just a bandaid to the hurt you are carrying.
As far as how to handle him maybe re-connecting, I don’t know. We are all changing every single day. Who knows who you will be by then and vice versa. Your energy is best spent on yourself right now and then trust that IF he reaches out, you will decide what to do at that moment. Instead, focus on right now…your SELF.
Thoughts?
Heidi
