Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Kelsey,
Thank you for sharing more details and thoughts about what is happening. You sound very grounded and clear about making sure to take care of yourself in the process.
I would agree with you that him not even wanting to have occasional conversations over the summer is quite strange. It feels like there is either something he is not telling you or he is just too scared to truly connect on a deeper level.
I’m curious…how were you guys moving too fast? What exactly was happening that made him feel that way? I’m also wondering if he had not wanted to slow things down, would you have been comfortable with the pace? It sounds like you are adjusting to him. I know you said you realized you felt the same way, but sometimes we talk ourselves into feeling a certain way so we are able to more comfortably align with our partner.
He is obviously willing to let you go and not fight for this relationship. This hurts, especially considering that you guys had a great connection, but for whatever reason – he is not willing to continue that. You may never know what his reasons are, so all we have to go by are his actions. I’m not saying to “drop him” but I do want you to think about what YOU want. You are having to align with him and it’s causing you NOT to feel in alignment with yourself. What you want is to stay connected over the summer and that’s not an unusual request…it’s appropriate and needed if the connection is going to continue to be sourced and stay alive. You have made attempts to talk him into that and you are hitting a wall with him. That wall is a MASSIVE red flag. Whatever is in that wall, it’s sabotaging your connection with him and as long as he isn’t being honest with you, and maybe himself too, then that wall is going to remain there. Let’s REALLY think about this here…do you really want to fight for a guy’s connection? It’s not like anything wrong happened here and something needs to be fixed. He says he just wants to slow things down, but what he is REALLY doing is creating a complete disconnect. That’s NOT slowing things down…that’s STOPPING things. So again, there is something going on here that he isn’t being honest about – whether it’s him being afraid of the connection, him not feeling it with you anymore, or someone or something else is influencing this. The scenarios could be endless here and you are not privy to what is happening, so all you have to go by are his current actions.
I understand you wanting to fight for the connection, but when your investment into doing this is NOT reciprocated, you have to look within and explore what is making you want to connect to a guy who isn’t wanting to connect back. This is the work that you need to focus on for yourself. The question I always like to ask people is: “Is connecting with him/loving him ALSO a loving thing to do for yourself? Is “loving” him also loving yourself?” When we look at our love and connection with someone else, we must not leave ourselves out of the equation. It’s VERY possible to strongly connect with someone and have that connection not be a healthy or kind thing for us. I’ve done it many, many times. That kind of connection has always cost me a lot. Now, I make sure that whatever output I offer, with friends or lovers, the connection is reciprocal and like-minded. He is NOT like-minded with you so you have been trying to adjust to him in order to keep things going. He has NOT been doing the same for you. So I ask you, are you sure you want to keep fighting for a guy like this? A guy who isn’t even willing to have a few conversations over the summer? A guy who want to STOP connecting with you for the summer and when he gets back, he will see how things go??? What??? You are so much more valuable than that! Don’t you want to be connected with a man who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to connect with you? Don’t you want a guy who will miss you when he leaves and plans you into his life because he sees and knows your value??? Don’t you want a guy who wants to build momentum with you instead of shutting everything down??? Instead, you are fighting for a guy who is doing the opposite of all of these things. Are you sure you want to continue to source this connection? If yes, let’s continue to talk about this. Tell me why. What is it about him that makes you want to keep sourcing him when he is not interested in sourcing you? Is this a pattern you have in relationships? Does this reflect anything from your childhood and your relationship with parents/ siblings etc.?
Heidi
OMG! How amazing that you got to see those little hatchlings! I hope you get some great pics! Would love to see them if you wanna share.
I’m really glad that you enjoyed the water and kayaking! It’s a great investment – I hope that you will meet some great people that you will get to go do things with. I know you really need it.
Wow…Trav is really having a hard time with that passport. Sheesh! Is that the only thing stopping him from coming out there? Do you think it’s still a good idea for him to come out and try and find a job? Is he at least working in his field of study right now? I hope so. Is it going well with them all living together? I know Dustin’s wife can be a handful, so hopefully they are all able to figure this out.
I love that you guys are doing team building. I used to do that job a while back. It was so fun! I LOVED watching and observing peoples’ reactions and interactions. Tell me how it goes and what you learn!
Heidi
Hi Kelsey,
I thought I’d check in and see how you are doing. Any thoughts or feeling that came up from what I said? Any other questions? Are you wanting different guidance than what I offered? We’d love to hear back from you.
Heidi
Oh good! I am glad to hear that this technique is helpful!
The storey line I continue to struggle with is one of self blame .. how did I believe and completely bought into this unquestionably , how did I not figure him out and I consider myself a good judge of character I’m sure you are a great judge of character, but when it comes to romance, it’s a completely different thing. You have feelings involved and that can cause people to miss certain things. This is why I like to teach people how to set up different objective types of “tests” so to speak, so you can step outside of your feelings and observe more easily. For example, I have a dog and I watch how a guy interacts with him. I watch how they interact with serving staff. I absolutely have him meet my friends and my mom and I deeply LISTEN to their perspectives, as I trust them all implicitly. Here is a tip…if your heart is the most precious and sacred thing in your possession, how would you interview someone for the job of helping to care for it? If your heart were a GIANT corporation that needed an employee of a special skillset, what kinds of things would you set in place for an interview? And the interview would take place over 6 months before you made any kind of decision. What kinds of questions would you ask? What kinds of scenarios would you set up so you could watch their response? What kinds of things would you talk about? What kinds of environments would you want to observe them in? Maybe this can give you and your daughters something fun to talk about – you should come up with specific “tests” to experiment with on dates and then report back to each other what you learned.
Now…as far as finishing the story “I was foolable…AND I WILL BE OKAY.” “I unquestionably believed what he was saying and even though he fooled me, I am resilient. I risked in love and I love that about myself. I took a chance and that means I am incredibly strong. This is a part of myself I NEVER want to lose. I am proud of myself for dreaming with this man. It means I am still very much alive and vibrant and want to live my life to the fullest. So what that I got fooled. I am learning and growing and this is an opportunity for me to learn more about myself. I am strong and brave and I love myself for that.other resources can be repetitive , over generic and a bit like manuals.. do this and don’t do that..which I find boring. There also seems to be the attitude of treating men like these precious creatures we need to tip toe around and treat with extreme thoughtfulness and sensitivity , while they behave like a bull in a china shop all the time .. feels unequal to some extent but I guess such is life I find that instead of reading the “how to” kind of resources, it’s better to read about how you can get to know yourself, your patterns, your story around love and your shadow self. The more you know yourself, the more you will know the person in front of you. Deep dive into YOU. Here are a few websites to explore and they all have books- see if anything resonates for you…
I have a gazillion more resources, but let’s just start with these. Let me know what you think and if you want something different!
You are doing a great job!!!Heidi
Okay…he may or may not respond, so don’t get attached to any specific result. This is about you expressing something just for yourself and being okay with no response and just seeing how it goes.
Do you feel you can not be attached to him responding?
Heidi
Hi Caitlyn,
Welcome! I am sooooo so sorry you are having to go through this. It’s incredibly difficult to watch someone you love slip through your fingers and not being able to stop that from happening. Of course you are lonely at night. It’s a common time for everyone to reflect on their lives. It’s important for you to create some new routines at night to help yourself. Is there a book you can read? Maybe watch a movie? Maybe hang out with some friends? You can also journal. Instead of letting your mind loop and loop, write it all down! Journaling is really powerful in helping to settle thoughts. It gives those thoughts validation, a place to go other than staying stuck in your mind and many times, you will have new realizations while writing.
So if I am understanding correctly, it’s been about a week since this breakup? Would you mind sharing more detail? What exactly about the communication between you guys was challenging? You pulled away for a month. That is a really long time to withhold connection from him. Would you mind sharing more details about what happened?
How long were you married for? It’s pretty fast for you to jump from marriage right into a new relationship. I’m guessing there are a lot of unresolved issues you are carrying around from your last relationship. Thoughts on this?
Heidi
You will get your things whenever you are ready. You are still in a grieving process and I know something like that can just feel overwhelming. Give yourself some time.
There is a technique I call the “finish the story.” Whenever we are hurting, our minds are looping around some kind story we have attached ourselves to. This story is usually filled with lies or partial truths and our minds will create various versions of the story that will keep it looping. So maybe your story in some version is something like this: “He was so amazing. We had all of these amazing moments and now he is gone. I should have been different.” Finishing the story means you add more truth in. So after “I should have been different” you would add something like “AND he is a poor communicator. He does not have integrity in his word. He is an incredibly uncaring man to ghost me like this and he is not deserving of my heart.” So as you fantasize about the best of him, you finish the story by also reminding yourself of the worst of him…every single time. This will help you embrace the FULL picture of him and help you stop looping around only the good parts that cause you suffering. Another way to finish the story is end it with the truth about yourself. So maybe you are saying “I miss him so much and all I want is to get him back.” You would finish with “I know I deserve to be treated better and I WILL BE OKAY. I am resilient, I am resourceful, I choose to forgive and heal and I am worth fighting for. I am loveable.” This is one way you can start to reprogram your mind. Whatever negative thoughts come up, finish it with positives about yourself, because that is truth too. Stop the looping that creates the pain and insert the truth into your mind. Does this make sense? If you need some help, let me know what kinds of sentences you find your mind looping around and I’ll give you some ideas about how to finish the story.
it does get overwhelming and dare I say boring at times 🙂 ..there is such a thing as too much focus LOL Interesting! I’m curious what you are doing. What gets boring? What is helpful? And you are absolutely correct…there is such a thing as focus becoming harmful instead of helpful.
Heidi
I understand and you are doing a really good job honoring what he has asked for. That is really important. It’s part of building trust with him.
You can always write a note and leave it on his pillow. I might add a little something like, “I’ve been doing some soul searching and really looking at myself. I’m really seeing how I was overwhelming for you sometimes. I am learning and I only want to get better. I don’t expect you to respond to this note. I just wanted you to know.”
How does this idea feel for you? You can always wait another week or so before doing this. Make sure you only write things that feel true for you though and that you are willing to follow through on.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Kelsey!
I’m so sorry it took us a while to respond to you. We totally missed your post, so thank you for your patience and for reaching back out again!
Let’s break some things down and then go from there:
I’m trying to have more faith in him and still be patient, but I wake up every morning feeling like I lost him. First, it’s important to understand, on a much deeper level, that having faith in him is the wrong place to put it. You guys are still VERY new and haven’t really spent a lot of time together in person. In the beginning, much of the time getting to know someone is seeing if their actions and their words line up and THEN you can really start to trust and believe what a person is saying to you. That takes a lot of time and consistency to build up. From what you are telling me, he hasn’t been very consistent with his words and actions, so your belief and faith in him is more about your desire to make him “the” guy vs. really seeing who he is. I understand your connection was easy and that he felt really wonderful for you, so it’s incredibly hard to see any sort of dysfunction…especially in the beginning. But it’s there and it’s important for you to truly see that his words and actions do not line up…at least not at this stage of things. Why? Who knows. “Why” doesn’t matter really. What matters is that it IS happening and it’s a bit of a red flag that you need to pay attention to.
I feel like every time I reach out to him that he feels like I’m trying to persuade him to commit when all I’m bidding for is connection. For a man, connection FEELS like commitment. The more deeply a woman wants to connect with them, the more they know the woman is wanting a relationship. Isn’t he right though? You may not want a specific commitment, but you do want to deeply connect…which in essence is kind of the same flavor, wouldn’t you say?
I’m hurting and this does not add up to what we had talked about before nor with how we were feeling before. I know it doesn’t add it, but that’s the point. Again, his words and actions are not the same, so it’s important that you slow down and really observe what is happening. He could feel like he rushed into things, he could really feel that your religious differences are more a deal breaker than he though, he could feel like he just doesn’t want to invest right now, he could be totally afraid of his feelings for you…the reasons are endless and not for you to figure out. Instead, what is more important, is for you to decide if this is okay for you. Do you feel okay being treated this way? Do you feel okay with all of this confusion? Do you feel okay with not connecting for 3 months and then having him reach back out when he gets back?
Heidi
You made me smile. Thank you for your very kind words!
So what’s the plan? How are you going to better support and connect with yourself? Have you reached out to him yet about getting your stuff back?
Heidi
Hi Dominique,
Thank you for sharing more. I’m really glad that you are sticking with therapy for this long and that you are experiencing some good results! Stick with it!!! As you continue, it will get harder before it gets better, so just know that the deeper you go within yourself, it can get a bit messy. But it’s so important so you can clean out your insides…there is nothing comfortable about it, but the rewards you get will faaaaar outweigh any discomfort or fear you face. It’s worth every minute!
You DO know what he needs. He needs some space. He doesn’t want to talk, he doesn’t want to connect…he just wants to feel peaceful. There has been enough of a pattern with you guys that makes him feel anxious, so giving him some NEW patterns with you is a good thing! Would you be willing to build trust with him again? That means listening to what he asks for, respecting his boundaries and creating a safe and peaceful place for him to come home to. That means NOT talking about getting back together, but instead focusing on developing a strong foundation with him that could help him connect more deeply with you. You can say something like, “You mentioned that you feel anxiety when you come home and that you don’t want to talk. I want you to know that I really hear you. I’m sorry you have to feel that way and I want to support your boundaries. So from now on, I will shift my focus and not need you to talk when you get home. I’ll be here if that interests you, but otherwise, I will leave you be. It really is okay. What is more important for me than anything, is for you to feel like you have the space to heal and get your needs met. Again, if you feel like connecting, just let me know. I’m open and would love that, but I also do support you taking care of yourself. Is there anything else I can do to support you?”
What do you think about approaching it like this?
Heidi
Hi Michael,
Thank you for being here! I can see why you are confused. I want to make sure I understand your situation first, before I offer more guidance. So you and Guy A broke up and it’s been 8 months. It was messy and painful and it definitely sounds like you don’t feel resolved about it. I’m a little confused about your last paragraph. You are starting to date someone else, but is it Guy A that playing mind games with you? And you are still in love with Guy A, but starting to fall for Guy B? How long have you been dating Guy B? What is keeping you connected to Guy A? It’s over. So what more are you wanting from him?
I just wish I could talk to him so that we could give one another either closure or a new begging. Let’s be very real here. Talking to him for closure is NOT necessary. I’ve created plenty of closure within myself with guys who decided to disappear and never return. I’m guessing you don’t REALLY want closure. I’m guessing you want to talk so you can see him again and maybe get more clarity and hopefully get back together. Yes?? If you really, truly wanted closure, you can create that for yourself without him.
The way to proceed is really looking inside yourself and exploring what you are doing. What is keeping you tied to Guy A? What are you doing involving Guy B into your life when you are not emotionally available for him? What is it that you REALLY want?
Let’s explore.
Heidi
Hi Dominique
Welcome! I know you feel lost and don’t know how to create resolution. I know it hurts and all you want is to re-connect with him and do things differently. It sounds like he just feels powerless with you. It sounds like all the hurt and challenges you are dealing with, with 2 different dads, is A LOT to handle and triggers you frequently, which then ends up triggering your boyfriend and probably exhausting him. It’s like he is constantly having to deal with other people’s problems instead of having a peaceful and easy connection with him that is HIS design. Am I understanding this correctly?
I understand him wanting to create some space and find some peace and ease. I’m also glad to hear he would be interested in coming back if the circumstances changed. Do you have any idea what that means for him? I know you guys are not talking, but maybe this was brought up as to what he actually wants/needs.
I’m glad you are seeing a therapist. Is it helping? Are you finding different ways to communicate, different ways to handle co-parenting, different perspectives?? Are YOU finding more peace in your life? Because I think that will be the key to getting him back. When YOU are more peaceful and at ease, he gets to have the best of you, instead of the miserable you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I keep remembering him calling my “future wife” and feel a bit sorry for myself as well as quite stupid for believing … I don’t think I will be able to believe again so this has definitely shaped me First, I want to say this…DON’T YOU DARE LET THIS MAN STEAL YOUR BELIEF OF WHAT IS POSSIBLE FOR YOU!!! Yes, he hurt you. Choose to forgive and choose to fight for more than your life than believe in YOURSELF. I’ve been harmed by men countless times over the years. Whether they gifted me with a broken heart or the men that abused me my entire childhood – I WILL NEVER GIVE UP in reclaiming my divine right to feel love – and not just any love, but a POWERFUL love that will help me continue to heal but also help heal others. This guy is giving you the greatest gift. He is helping to wake you up to yourself, helping you to explore your viewpoint of love and what it means to you, challenging your thought processes, giving you an opportunity for healing (not just from him, but your past as well) and so much more. I know it hurts AND you can heal and when you heal, you will be more than who you were before you met him. That’s TRUE healing. If you shut down and give up, that’s not healing – that’s just quitting on yourself and burying all the hurt – and then you are really no different than this guy who has a mountain of buried pain that ended up hurting you deeply. Choose to be different. Choose to face yourself. Choose to explore your feelings and have COMPASSION for yourself, not judgment for believing that you meant more to him than you really did. He fooled you and we are ALL foolable.
Is it just fate / luck or is there something I’m completely lacking to be able to demand this from a man First, when you find the right guy, there is no demanding needed. Your connection with each other will be effortless and you both will choose growth and move together in the same direction for however long it lasts….maybe forever, maybe not. Again, there are no guarantees. But there are things you can pay attention to that will give you better odds to have a healthier, longer lasting relationship. We can talk about what to look for, but first and foremost, you need to connect more deeply with yourself and get to know yourself better. You can only know someone else to the extent that you know yourself. I’ll use myself as an example. Having grown up with years of abuse (all kinds), I had to also go through years of pretty intense therapy. Because I know myself very deeply and am incredibly sensitive to myself, my subconscious patterns and thoughts that creep in and how I feel about myself, I am also able to instantly pick up on who someone else is. I, of course, do not know the details of someone, but I can FEEL a person’s insecurities, their limitations, their fears, when they are being authentic vs. playing a game and so much more. It would be quite the feat for someone to fool me, but it CAN be done, despite all that I know because I am human. This means that the people that are allowed into my life are top notch. They are aware, they are emotionally available, they grow, they communicate, they ADD TO my life and they approach their life in a similar way that I approach mine. I would not have this kind of quality in my life if I didn’t know myself very well and if I didn’t choose to release all the pain and hurt and make room for love to come in. This is a choice point for you. You CAN bury how you feel and eventually it won’t hurt anymore for the most part, but that pain will resurface again in another relationship and will sabotage any connection you are trying to make. This, I guarantee. Or, you can decide to take back your power and embrace the hurt, learn from it and then transform it into self love. You cannot ask something from a man that you are not willing to do for yourself. So you want a man to commit to you, treat you like gold, love and connect with you deeply, see and know your value, fight for you….well it starts with you treating yourself that way first.
Look, I understand how you feel and it’s natural. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be feeling all of this, I’m saying feel EVERYTHING and work WITH it and give it life instead of burying it and shutting yourself down. YOU ARE SO MUCH GREATER THAN THIS PAIN!!! Find a coach, a book, a program or something to help guide you through this. Are you willing to do that?
Heidi
I love that you are having a team BBQ soon and that you get to meet everyone. Your social circle is going to hopefully expand more. That’s so interesting how all of their holidays are all smushed together. I hope you get to go to the national park. I know it will deeply feed your soul.
How is Trevor doing? Is he still thinking about coming out and maybe getting a job or something?
Heidi
