[Heidi G]

I want to start out by saying that what you are going through is incredibly tough. It seems like every which way that you turn, there is something else that is challenging that you have to deal with. Every cell in my being wishes that I could fix that for you. I know you chose this job, believing it was your dream job and it hasn’t turned out that way at all. My heart goes out to you and I’m so sorry this who experience has been more challenging than nourishing. It’s hard!

I’d like to offer some different perspectives and challenge you a bit now.
I know I have a high tolerance for pain, pretty much go numb to deal with it. Strong, too strong for my own good. Having a high pain tolerance actually makes you quite fragile. High pain tolerance does not mean you are strong in any sustainable way. I used to believe the same thing, as that is how I functioned. I could hold up under a mountain’s worth of stress and not break. I would still function and make it through. After working with a therapist for a while, the thing I realized was that kind of strength is actually very fragile. It’s not sustainable, it costs an incredible amount of energy and it prevents true, deep intimacy. I didn’t REALLY understand what she was saying until I started to undo these “pillars of strength” I had developed over the years. Whoa! I realized those pillars of strength were full of fear, lies, wounds, hurt etc. And all I kept doing, in a very unaware/subconscious way, was stepping into situations that brought me more challenge, more pain, more rejection etc. so I could keep adding to these “pillars of strength.” Yes, I got through an incredible amount in my life, but as I undid those pillars, healed and released those hurts and replaced it with self-love…I became more and more sensitive. My pain tolerance slowly decreased over the years, to the point now where I have so little tolerance for it. I have no time or energy to interact with people I am not nourished by. I have no interest in stepping into any situation that will bring hardship into my life. I have an incredibly peaceful and nourishing life with such low stress and I protect that with everything I have. THAT is what a healthy internal strength is about….having a very low pain tolerance.

The thing about your life Rhonda, is yes you have survived and have done some INCREDIBLE things!!! You are quite resilient – AND you have never really processed all of the challenge. Because you haven’t really worked deeply within, that means you are carrying around a TON of baggage that is always influencing how you experience your life. You are depressed quite a bit and you have not been happy in your life for quite a while now. Yes, external situations contribute to that in which you have no control over, but all of those external scenarios are being piled on top of all the baggage you are carrying around everywhere. It’s why you get depressed. You are carrying A LOT!!!! If you worked on letting go of that baggage from the past, the stress that shows up from current situations will be sooooooo much more easy to deal with. Does this make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Nadin,

You are asking some really really great questions! There is a TON to talk about here and many levels to work through, so stay connected as I share those different layers. It’s a really long conversation and an important one!

You don’t typically see people’s bad side early on in a relationship, or how they handle stress or do you? What am I missing? There is a REALLY important skill that needs to be developed if you are going to see “behind the mask” so to speak. It’s learning the language of the subconscious. If you understand that the MAJORITY of what we say, do and feel comes from the subconscious, then you can understand the importance of learning how to detect it and interpret it. Being that our thoughts, feelings, behaviors are sourced from a place that most people are not connected to, it’s easy to be fooled and confused as the subconscious leaks out in different ways over time. If you understand the language of it, you can definitely have a more clear understanding about who you are REALLY dealing with.

There are 2 main things you need to develop. Your intuition and understanding of behavior. As you develop these, you will see someone through a COMPLETELY different set of eyes.

Here is a very simple example. Many women easily get swept away when they come across a guy who gives them tons of compliments. I always here “I’ve never been treated so well or I’ve never had a guy so emotionally open and willing to tell me how he feels.” This is a HUGE red flag. There are a lot of variations to why a guy would be this way, but here are few reasons why I would be VERY cautious. First, guys know that women are typically used to be treated pretty poorly. A smart guy would find easy “prey” by just dishing out the compliments, getting her to fall for him and trust him, then he can have his way with her sooner than later. Another scenario might be a guy who falls waaaaay too hard, too fast. He could be a guy who is obsessive and possessive. There is this book and this “secret” group of men who study women and methods to “get” them. A guy who used to be part of that group wrote a book called “The Game.” It’s not so secret anymore, but they would use techniques like this: If there was a girl he wanted to talk to, he would find a way to “reject” her, in order to activate her need to connect. So let’s say that girl is with 3 other friends, he would walk up to the group of girls and talk to each girl EXCEPT the girl he really wanted. This causes the girl to feel left out and activate a desire to want to connect with him so she can feel “special” and included. Eventually the guy gives in and connects with her, but only after she chases him a bit. They also teach the guys to get the girl used to be touched by him. So let’s say they are on a dance floor. He might grab her hand to leave the dance floor to grab a drink, but as he grabs her hand, he grazes her breast or her yoni. He might do this a handful of times in various, subtle ways, throughout the night – to get her used to being touched by him in sexual areas of her body….kind of like subliminal messaging.

Goodness, I’m going down a rabbit hole, aren’t I? I could talk about this stuff for hours!!!!! Let me stop there and get more focused.

Here is one thing you can begin to think about and practice, even with your friends. Get good at asking questions and then paying attention to their answers…more than their words. You want to listen to their tone of voice, emotions, body language, and the words they use. Questions reveal A LOT!!!

If I am starting to like a guy, I will start to ask him questions that will tell me about how he handles stress. So I might ask things like, what are you like when are angry? Hurt? Depressed? What’s the worst heartache you’ve ever had to deal with? What did you do? What’s the biggest disappointment you have had to face in your life? WHat did you do? What’s the worst things you’ve done to someone else? How come? These types of questions can give you a potential small window into how the guy handles stress. You obviously want to deliver these questions in a way that doesn’t make him feel like he is being interviewed. They should come up in the natural course of a conversation. So I listen to what they say and then I pay attention to see if what they say is aligned with their actions. So I might purposefully create some stress and see what they do. I might show up late to a reservation. I might accidentally spill water on him. I might forget something at home and we have to go back. I might ask to change plans at the last minute. I might be extra emotional about something to see how he handles it. Does this make sense?

Let’s just start with this and see how it feels for you. This is just the tip of the iceberg. What is most important to understand though, is that we are all fundamentally the same. We ALL have trauma reactions. So the only way to truly see and understand someone else’s depths beyond the mask, is to understand yourself. You can only know someone else to the depth that you know yourself. So the deeper you go within, the easier it is to see someone else’s depths. Does this make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Connie!

Accepting “help”–now I’m understanding it better. Oh good! I’m glad you are understanding it better. It makes it much easier to practice now. I remember in college, I had to do the same exact thing, except with a different issue. I was not very comfortable saying no. I said yes A LOT. So my therapist at the time gave me the same exact assignment and man was it uncomfortable. My boyfriend at the time struggled with it because he was very used to me saying yes – but he was great and supported me anyways. It didn’t change that we got into fights more frequently because of it though. But in the end, it was good for me! I HAD to get comfortable saying no to EVERYTHING that I had a little inkling of not wanting to do….and then I found my balance and even 30 years later I am still very balanced in this area of my life. It shifted me permanently, which is the result you want to work towards. I hope you get to have the same experience!

I’m tired of dealing with things this way and want to rid myself of this craziness and hurt that never goes away. GOOOOOOD! I’m really glad to hear this! You are supposed to be tired. It’s not a sustainable way of living if you want to be happy in your life. You are in such a beautiful place of growth and expansion and it’s just going to keep going. There is a lot to learn, right? It’s a forever path, BUT the further along you get, the more joy and peace you will find.

I understand the “obligated” thing now. The goal is to listen to yourself more than other people. I always listen to others’ ideas and perspectives, but ultimately it has to go through MY filter before I decide what I need and want. When you strengthen your own inner voice and make that your authority vs. making others’ voices your authority, you will be good to go! No more obligation!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Thank you for such a wonderful update!!! There is sooooo much to unpack here, so I’m going to do my best. Let’s just keep talking it through.

I’m not sure I fully understand your statement ‘how about accepting or asking for help even when you don’t need it.”

I do create memories with people and connect with people, so I’m a bit confused. I understand I haven’t always been going out with friends when asked but I have changed that recently (I have grown a lot with accepting offers of going out and I have asked people to go out to do things as well). We are talking about 2 different things here. Being social and accepting offers to go out is NOT about accepting “help.” That’s just about being social and building connection through play and fun. What I meant by my statement about asking for help even when you don’t need it, is more about creating a giving/receiving kind of exchange. There are a gazillion varieties of this. It could be asking for ideas or advice (even if you don’t need advice), it might be asking for ideas of restaurants to go to, or movies to see, or at the supermarket when the person asks if you want help carrying your groceries out, you say yes, even though you know you could do it yourself. Does this make sense? There are sooooo many thing you could ask for help with, but you don’t even consider it, because it’s never been an option for you before. So you are living in one extreme of doing EVERYTHING yourself. So now…in order to find the balance, you need to go to the other extreme of asking for help with EVERYTHING you can think of. Say yes to all the help that is offered. Once you get cozy with saying yes, then you can move more towards the middle where you say yes and no according to what suits you best. How does this approach feel for you?

They have been getting the complete information from me so they can fully understand where/why/when my self esteem takes a dive down low. I know I need to stop focusing on the part that it comes from my childhood and what my mother said/done.I just don’t know how to stop that from being so powerful in my brain (I’m not sure I am using the correct words for explaining it). That’s the secret key, right? The brain!!! Our thoughts and feelings are sooooo incredibly powerful. You should check out this movie, so you can better understand how your emotions and brain impacts your life. https://www.amazon.com/What-Bleep-Do-We-Know/dp/B00E6GBIKU

Strong for me is being able to complete things and handle whatever comes your way.Some days, I don’t feel like I’ve completed anything worthwhile I guess (even though I have done a lot but I don’t see it as worthy–I know this is due to the low self esteem in my eyes). I do know I need to change that mindset from reading your posts but I’m not sure where to start with it. This is a really long answer. How about looking up this method and seeing if it resonates for you and helps you make sense of what you are feeling: It’s a 4 question method that can help you move through a situation.

Home

I do feel safe in my life I have no doubt you do feel safe in your life AND there are areas where I imagine that isn’t true. We all have this. I feel incredibly safe in some parts and other parts…I still keep working with.

I usually trust my choices (I say usually because sometimes after I make a choice I second guess myself Do you trust your choices in relationships and love? Do you trust your choices and use of alcohol? Do you trust your ability to work through challenges in a healthy way?

I am that person who normally buries things I cannot fix in hopes of not having to deal with them. I do realize this is not healthy for me to do and I will work on this as I have buried so much over the years. If this is how you handle stress, then this would be an area where you do not trust yourself to work WITH your stress instead of bury it.

I haven’t read any self-help books, relationship books or any books to do about love, communication, dating, etc. Is there some that you would recommend me to look for at my local library? I have a gazillion to recommend, but I also am not sure what you and your therapist are focusing on right now for you. Maybe books to support your growth in that area is best for you? I have no doubt your therapist also would have a miles long list of recommendations, so maybe ask them about what books would be best for you right now, considering what you are working on.

This is where I struggle with things because the nice side of me used to say, sure I’ll go out with you for dinner and see how things go but now I’m seeing the red flags and going no way am I going to continue anything with this guy. I am trying my best not to be put in a place where I feel obligated to say yes (hopefully that makes sense). I LOVE LOVE LOVE this! I love that you are paying attention now! Good job! And I’m curious…what kind of situation would you feel “obligated” to say yes? What actually makes you feel “obligated?” Is it not a possibility for you to “no” in ANY situation you are in and that you are actually NOT obligated to EVER say yes?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Margaret. Thank you for being here and sharing your struggle. I’m soooo so sorry. It’s incredibly rejecting and awful to feel love for someone who isn’t on the same page as you are. Let’s really talk about this. How long have you guys been together?

Your focus is about trying to “get” him to stop looking at other girls and focus on you, but I want to invite you to consider that this guy is not interested in being that kind of partner. You keep trying to meet HIS needs at the expense of your own needs. You came out of an abusive relationship and then stepped into a rejecting relationship. You are not being physically abused, but you still chose to step into another experience where your needs don’t matter to the guy.

I don’t want to be the crazy jealous girlfriend, but I’m so tired of crying because I’m in love with someone who has told me he can’t love me back but he’s trying….but all I see is him trying to love every woman other than me. Why do you want someone to “try” and love you? Don’t you want a guy who is EFFORTLESSLY invested in you? A guy who is excited to talk to you? A guy who doesn’t feel like his day is complete without connecting with you? A guy who considers you his best friend and is interested in your needs and wants? You have chosen a guy who has no interest in being those things for you. You may have had a lovely weekend together, but that just is not enough. You are crying all the time because he isn’t emotionally available for you, so you are constantly feeling rejected. And then you have a great weekend thinking that you are actually getting somewhere with him, and then faced with the reality of who he is again. He cannot sustain a connection. He is not interested in nourishing his connection with you and he does not care enough about your needs to shift his behavior. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!

You have done a lot of wonderful things for him! You have really tried to be a wonderful partner. You are missing one thing though. Self-respect. A guy does not respect a woman who doesn’t respect herself. Your acceptance of his behavior and your acceptance of the tears and hurt you are choosing to deal with, is you not respecting your own needs and boundaries. So if you can’t even respect your own needs, desires and wants, then how can you expect anyone else to respect them? You are teaching him how to treat you. You are teaching him that his behavior is okay for you. You may say that it hurts your feelings, you may have asked him to stop many times, but none of that changes anything, does it? So you are just in the same cycle of him doing what he wants, him putting minimal effort into the relationship and you spending your time crying, watching your phone and hoping he will connect. So basically, his needs are more important than yours.

The analogy I like to use is a snake pit. You are walking down a road and you jump into a pit full of snakes. They bite and bite and bite and you are just staying in that pit, thinking that if you ask them to stop biting you, it might work. Maybe if you smack them away, they will stop biting, but what you don’t realize, is you are asking them NOT to be snakes. Snakes bite and you are wanting them NOT to be their nature. So you just stay there and continue to let them bite you and you choose to just keep hurting, instead of getting out of the pit.

He is who he is Margaret. He is not healthy for you. He is incredibly rejecting and that is not going to change. You can heal, develop higher standards as to how you expect to be treated and you can develop your self-respect. Saying no to constantly being hurt, would be the beginning of that journey. Letting him know that as much as you love him, you love yourself more and you are finally ready to make your needs a priority. Have you ever seen the movie “The Holiday?” You speak like the character Iris in that movie. Maybe check it out and see if you identify at all with her.

I know I have not offered the kind of guidance you wanted, but I’m hoping this guidance will connect you more with what you actually need.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Nadin!

Thank you for being here and sharing your story! Wow…what a whirlwind. You are falling in love one minute and the next minute he is telling you he doesn’t have any feelings. Completely shocking! I understand your confusion and really wanting him back in your life. It sounds like you guys had a really wonderful time together! Let’s talk about this a little more and see if there can be some clarity for you.

he hates talking and being open and he needed to figure this out I am really sorry to say this, but this is a deal breaker…as you are now experiencing. He has sooooo many wonderful qualities, but it only takes 1 limiting quality to ruin all of it…and it has. A person who isn’t willing to communicate, a person who isn’t willing to get help, ask for advice, ask for perspective or face challenges WITH others, is someone who is not really, truly built for relationship. Basically, he was only interested in interacting when things were good. Then the moment stress shows up…a big enough stress…he disconnects. He would rather go it alone. He would rather NOT be seen by anyone. He would rather go into his cave and not be bothered and no one is invited in…except for his daughter. This means that he is NOT set up to have a relationship. He is NOT truly intimate and nor is he interested in changing any of that.

I re-evaluated everything. I made lists of what I didn’t like and want a partner should be like. The only thing I can come up with is communication, everything else I loved about him and would want someone else to be like him (same job, same character, values, daughter, family, routines, etc.). I get that he is a great guy and has all of these amazing qualities that fit so incredibly well with your life. I know how hard that is to find. The thing is, you don’t actually want to pick a partner according to how well things go. You want to pick a partner according to who they are in their worst. How do they treat you when they are stressed? How do they treat themselves and others involved in the situation? No matter how amazing and wonderful things are when it’s good, if there is no trust, safety and respect when things are bad, the relationship will break. As you have learned, in his worst, he disconnects. He is not interested in growing. He knows his limitations and isn’t willing to do anything about them…at least not right now. So this one quality of his becomes MUCH bigger than all of his amazing qualities put together, because he is not a partner when things get rough. It’s more than just about improving communication. He has some SERIOUS fear when it comes to intimacy and allowing someone to be part of your worst side. We all struggle with this, but he is not willing to step into it.

What do you think about everything I have said so far?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Well, you may not even want to retire if you found a job that you loved doing! You were miserable in Sarnia. Do you really think you could have lasted another year? I’m sure you could have, considering your tolerance for challenging situations. Maybe it’s time to shift that!

Hey, being through 2 abusive marriages and raising two boys alone, I’ve been in survival mode my entire life. I don’t know anything different. Wouldn’t you like to know something different? When I was younger, I used to watch myself make decisions, knowing it would make my life harder. I was pretty conscious of my choices at a very young age, but that never stopped me from still making those kinds of decisions. It was always confusing to me why I did that, until I got older and REALLY looked at my relationship with pain and with challenge. It definitely was full of all kinds of “fun” stuff. I used to think that my high pain tolerance meant that I was strong and healthy. I learned that instead, it was much more healthy to have a very low pain tolerance. Choosing a life of pleasure, peace and ease meant that I now had to protect that kind of lifestyle I worked hard to create. That is soooooo much easier than constantly living in survival mode. Maybe someday you will be interested in creating something different that “what you’ve always known.”

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Christine,

Welcome to the forum! We love that you are here reaching out for some ideas and guidance.

I just have a few questions. How long has this hot and cold pattern been going? Have you talked to him about it? What is the design of your relationship? Committed? FWB? How long will he stay connected before he disappears? Do you know much about his past relationships? Is this a pattern he is aware of? How old are you guys?

I know there are a lot of questions, but it helps to get more details to try and understand what is happening.

I do want to say this though. I know it feels like he is the love of your life. I’m sure it’s amazing when he is connected, but it’s not much of a love he is offering you in return. If this is his pattern, it’ REALLY important to understand that it’s not about you. This is about him and dealing with or facing his fear of connection and vulnerability. People the come in and out of connection typically have a high need to control, a lot of low self-esteem, they are pretty fragile emotionally and they are not really set up in their hearts to be happy. Once they start to feel happy, for too long, they will disappear and disconnect to sabotage the connection – usually because they don’t trust being happy or they don’t trust love. I don’t know what is happening for this guy and nor do you, but in the end – understand what you are stepping into. A phrase or “magic words” does not fix a pattern like this. A pattern like this is FULL of all kinds of unresolved hurt from the past.

And last, but not least…I want to encourage you to either accept that this is who he is, or walk away. He deserves to be loved and accepted for EXACTLY who he is…baggage and all. A relationship will NEVER last if one person is needing the other person to change in order to be happy. A relationship lasts when BOTH people are NATURALLY on the same page and want the same things. This is not your situation at the moment. I’m not saying it can’t shift or change, but if it does, it needs to come from him WANTING to be a better partner. If this is not something he cares to address, then your job is to accept that about him and really understand what you are choosing.

I know this is not what you were wanting to hear. I completely understand your desire to turn this relationship into something spectacular. Feeling love for someone who is so limited, is extremely hard and can feel like torture! Unfortunately, with the issue you are dealing with, it’s far from a quick fix.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Wow! Strange! What I wrote this morning just now posted tonight. That’s never happened before.

I just now read your updated post and I wanted to jump up and down!!! I am sooooooo proud of you!!! You did such an incredible thing by saying yes! wowowowow! I wish I could give you the biggest hug on the planet. Good job!!!

The tears are beautiful and much needed. There is a lot of hurt, sadness, relief, joy and everything under the sun wrapped up in those tears. I’m so glad it was released out of your body!!! This is the best update ever!!!! Keep it going!!!

Heidi

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Heidi G.

[Heidi G]

Thank you for responding and sharing more of your thoughts and feelings! This is a great conversation!

I am going to start opening up more and accepting help when I need it. How about accepting or asking for help even when you don’t need it? Help is not about “needing” it. View it this way…accepting or asking for help is more about allowing someone else to get to feel good. Creating memories with someone. Feeling what it is like to be seen. Helping offers MANY opportunities! It’s NOT about whether or not it’s “needed.” It’s about connecting.

I’ve had low self esteem since childhood. I was never good enough in anything I did for my parents. We ALL have low self-esteem. I’m a very high functioning and emotionally healthy person and I had a childhood that most people do not survive. Somehow I made it. I have a TON of low self-esteem, but over the years, all the healing work has helped me develop more high self-esteem than low self-esteem. We will never be rid of that side of ourselves. We can always reduce it, but the REAL skill is learning how to embrace it and connect with that part of ourselves when it gets activated. Do you know how to do that? Is your therapist teaching you what to do when your low self-esteem gets activated?

I am a strong woman yet I don’t feel like I am most days. This is an interesting statement. What do you think “strong” is? What does it look like? What make you NOT feel like you are strong most days? What would make you feel strong? How would you live your life differently if you FELT strong every single day?

I was never taught how to choose a person or be in a relationship (all self-taught). Most people are self-taught, as most people have had horrible role models. The good thing is, there are a TON of books, videos, courses etc. of experts sharing very powerful concepts about love. Do you read any self-help books? Relationship books? Books about love, communication, dating etc?

I do trust myself in the ways you wrote because I have figured out how to heal and get back up and move on. Let’s talk about this a little deeper. You say you trust yourself, yet you don’t feel strong, you have a lot of low self-esteem, you believe you are strong but don’t actually FEEL it, you have chosen relationships that are incredibly dysfunctional, you hide from everyone…so how much do you REALLY think you trust yourself? You have gotten back up each time…so THAT you can trust about yourself. But do you trust your choices? Do you feel safe in your life? Do you feel “held” by yourself? Do you actually trust and know you are healing because you have a skillset for that process or are you burying things and not feeling them anymore? Trust is a very layered and deep thing. Trust is built over time by making decisions that support your growth and expansion. Trust is built by making decisions that feed and nourish your heart. When you have this kind of solid and deep trust in yourself, you also PROTECT yourself, you protect your peace, you protect your sacred, beautiful heart! Does this make sense?

[Heidi G]

Aleks did say he would see if he could arrange a zoom call. hmmmm….you guys have been connecting for a while now and you have tried at least 2 different times to connect through skype. He said “he would see” if he could arrange a zoom call? What does that mean? I’m not sure how much this guy is really interested in connecting. He needs to be saying “I’m available to talk Sunday if you are. Does 4 work for you?” What is stopping him from setting up a time to chat? I do appreciate that about him. What do you appreciate about him?

Oh I hope you get to go on that boat ride with that woman. It sounds like fun! You are doing a really good job getting yourself out and about and seeing different parts. It’s crazy how far everything is though. 4 hours is a looooong trip, but at least it’s on a train so you can read or sleep or just chill and relax.

So what should I do differently? All the jobs I’ve taken are the only jobs that were available. I don’t have the answer for that. Maybe consider switching up your career in some way? You have a skillset. Is this industry the ONLY place that can use what you know how to do? Maybe while working for the next year, you develop or add onto the skills you already have and then find another industry to work within? You keep getting pigeonholed into jobs you can’t stand because you have no other choice. So set yourself up to be able to have more choice somehow, whether it’s becoming independent and act as a consultant and own your business or switching industries or switching your career entirely. I don’t know. I just know that you have not been happy for a looooong time. You have spent the entire time I have known you, in some kind of survival mode, just trying to get through. Is that really how you want to spend your life because you have no other choice but to take the next open job?

[Heidi G]

You have high integrity Rhonda. You do what you say you are going to do and that is a great quality about you. You have been through sooooo much with all your jobs! I really hope that whatever you choose next will actually make you happy. It has to be really hard for you to be in a constant struggle for one reason or another over the past several years. I just want to encourage you to maybe look at this pattern and see how you can do things differently…hopefully starting in November.

That little town sounds amazing! What was your favorite part? The history in Europe is so incredible. It sounds like it was a lovely day. Did you end up seeing a lot of seals? Were they out and about? I’d love to see some pics if you feel like sharing!

Why don’t you and Aleks connect over zoom?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Thank you for sharing more of your story. You sure have been through a lot. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. There are several things to work through here. Let’s see if we can help you have a little more clarity.

As one person told me, I’m always helping and giving of myself but I never take and this can affect my friendships/relationships. Is this true? Yes, this is true. Here is a way that may help you understand. People LOVE to help each other. We are not designed to do life alone. So when someone asks you to help them, doesn’t it make you feel good to get to help? It’s bonding, it makes you feel good, it makes you feel wanted and needed, it creates memories and it helps you get to know the person more. So when you don’t ask or accept help, you stunt the relationship. You take all of these precious moments that are meant for bonding and growing together and you put a wall up. When you say no, it doesn’t allow anyone to really get to know you. So people will always feel on the outside of your life and never really get to know the real you…and perhaps that is why you do it. If you keep people out, they will never see the inside of you, which is maybe what you are most afraid of. It’s like I don’t want people to see what happened when they thought so highly of my ex earlier in the relationship and became friends with him as well. You are making this about protecting your ex, but would you be willing to look a little deeper and see how you are trying to actually protect yourself from being raw and vulnerable? What would happen if you said yes to this help of cleaning up the mess? You already know what happens when you say no. You go to the bar and try to escape your feelings by drinking and then you scare your friends and put yourself in danger – and call a brand new guy you are trying to get to know. You somehow think it’s going to be worse than that if you actually say yes to having some help with this?? It’s incredibly intimate and vulnerable to say yes to your friend who offered help. Maybe find out that it’s okay to be that with someone. And honestly, having a guy friend help you can be a really great thing. They go through life very differently and experience relationships differently. Don’t determine ahead of time, what his experience is going to be. You have no clue what he would respond like. I imagine he would be quite efficient and protective of you. Wouldn’t that feel great??? The thing about saying yes to help is, you are terrified and the only way through your fears is to step into them and find out you are okay. You have already been through an INCREDIBLE amount in your life. If you can survive all of that and move forward, saying “yes” to help is easy!!! You are stronger than you give yourself credit for!

I just want to touch on the cheating thing. It seems that you don’t quite have the skillset to know how to be discerning with who you enter into a relationship with. This is, in part, because of the amount of low self esteem that you carry. It doesn’t sound like you have standards as to how you are treated and what you expect in a relationship. Here is a little homework you can start on. It’s going to take a while and evolve over time, but it’s important for you to start the process. I call it the non-negotiable list. It’s a list of qualities you HAVE to have in a relationship in order to feel nourished…NO EXCEPTIONS. This means, the qualities on this list, if they are not present, the relationship WILL NOT work for you. This is why it takes time to create this list because most people are not really aware and they choose a partner based on how they feel vs. how the relationship functions.

Here are a few things on my list:
1. Romantic
2. Animal lover
3. Loves nature
4. High emotional intelligence
5. Financially abundant
6. Strong communicator
7. Active

I tell people to start by making a list of everything they want in a guy. Think in terms of categories like finances, family, health, travel, children etc. Then circle the most important qualities in each category and make a new list. Then really think and feel into each quality and see if it’s a quality you could compromise on…or not. The qualities I listed above are solid and set in stone. These qualities are what I need to have in my own life in order to maintain my personal balance. If a guy goes against these or doesn’t join me with them, then we are not like-minded enough to have a deep, nourishing, growing relationship. The non-negotiable list functions as your standards. It guides you in what to look for in a partner.

One thing I will say. The most important thing to know is that you ALWAYS want to know who they are in their worst BEFORE you really go head first into any relationship. Who a person is in their worst, is what will make or break the relationship. It doesn’t matter how amazing the guy is, if he is not respectful and honorable in his worst moments, the relationship will never last. You already have been through abuse and addiction. Those are obviously things you never want to experience again, so making sure you pay attention to those signs early on is important for you. You want to see how they treat you, themselves and others in their most stressful times, so you can see the worst in them and know that you are safe physically and emotionally. And, of course, any standard you have for them, you expect of yourself as well. So if there is something you need from a guy and you don’t offer that yourself, then it tells you some areas you need to work on.

Lastly, I’m going to touch on this lightly, but we need to keep talking about it. Trust is not actually about anyone else. People tend to feel like the other person needs to earn trust, but the truth is, we are all human and will break that trust when we mess up. So trust in others is a relative thing. The trust I like to help my clients develop that is UNSHAKEABLE is trust within themselves. If you don’t trust yourself, you sure as heck can never trust anyone or anything else in your life. Trusting yourself means “I trust that no matter what “you” do or choose or behave like, I will be okay. I trust I am resilient. I trust I am strong. I trust I am resourceful. So even if you cheat on me, lie to me, hurt me…I trust I will be okay and figure out how to heal and get back up.” That kind of trust in yourself allows you to feel safe in your life, because people will break the external trust and when that broken, you will have your inner trust to get you through those challenging moments. Does this make sense?

I know I’ve said a lot, so let’s keep talking.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

So good to hear from you. I love that you did that! Gosh, we could all use an experience like that right now. It sounds restorative. I’m happy to hear that you feel like you are moving on. Thank you for being here and sharing your story and being so wonderful! I love that I got to be part of your journey.

Take care! We are here whenever you need us!

Lots of love coming your way! Heidi

[Heidi G]

Wow. I love that you are connecting with this and really slowing down your thinking about bringing him back into your life.

He is incredibly fragile and insecure and it shows up by be incredibly controlling. So what do you think was happening for you, that you chose his needs and demands over your need to connect with your family? It obviously didn’t make you feel good and you are angry about it, so why do you think you make him the priority?

You feel EVERYTHING that is coming up and give it space and time. You journal. You talk about it. You honor ALL your feelings and really look at what they are about. It’s time for you to really start to explore yourself on a deeper level.

You are angry. How come? Where is it coming from? Have you felt this kind of anger before? Are you angry at yourself at all? Are you willing to forgive and let go?

Like I previously said…he gets to be whoever he wants to be. He gets to demand for that attention. He gets to trash talk you. He gets to break up without talking to you about it. THIS IS WHO HE IS and he deserves to be loved and accepted for exactly who he is. We all do. He clearly has a lot of limitations that are quite damaging, but you also are the one who has chosen him and chosen to co-create this design of “love.”

Of course, there are amazing things about you guys as well and that’s always the hardest part to let go of. You just have to keep remembering the parts that don’t work as well and keep the FULL picture in your mind and heart…not just the best parts. The best parts will always make you want to keep holding on and completely negate the worst parts that are actually damaging. Breakups are a rollercoaster ride and the best way to get through them and back into emotional stability is to really work with your emotions, your patterns, your choices, your stories about him and you and love and honor every little thing that comes up and just create space for all of it. This might even be a good time to work with a therapist or coach. You have a lot of stuff you are feeling and carrying around, so why not get a specialist to help you learn how to navigate this period of time in a healthy way. Working with someone will help you develop new ways to handle stress for the rest of your life. It’s worth the time and investment if you are willing.

Heidi

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