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Hi Patricia! Welcome to the forum! Your question is not too basic at all. Us coaches are online only at certain times of the day, so give at least a 24-hour window for us to get back to you.
The only thing missing is someone special to share the beautiful life I hope it’s okay to talk about this a bit. I know it’s not part of your question, but it is part of the mindset that impacts how you date. I just want to shed some light on it a bit and you take it or leave it of course. The way you said this insinuates you are “missing” something in your life, which in essence means you do not feel whole and complete with how your life is right now and the way to fix that is to find a partner to fill that hole. This mindset can really muck things up in your life because it’s about you trying to find someone to fill that space vs. you filling that space by yourself. What if are single for another 5 years? Or 10 years? Is that something you could be okay with? It sounds like you really love your life right now. Do you feel like you could continue loving your life even if there is no guy to share it with for the next decade?
Okay…let’s dive a little deeper into your question, because it’s not quite as simple as giving you a few sentences to respond with. You have to look at what you really want. Personally, I am not interested in a guy who just presses a button that says he likes my profile. I am interested in a guy who is inspired to reach out and have a conversation with me. So that is a standard I have set before. A like is nice, but it’s kind of similar to being out, catching eye contact with a guy who sends you a smile, but that’s about as much effort as he puts in. He never comes over to say hello. So is this something you feel okay with? What are your standards?
Heidi
It helps hugely in how I raise my son, but I am unsure how the believes I developed growing up, tie to what kind of a guy I am drawn to? Let’s say that you develop a belief that love = abuse. Remember, your beliefs get developed from a CHILD mindset, so stories and beliefs imprint from a child viewpoint. So that’s how love = abuse. If a child only receives attention from mom or dad by being yelled at, hit, thrown around, that child will pair love and attention with abuse. When that child story about abuse is not resolved once they are an adult, that belief will influence who they are attracted to. In very basic terms, it’s what the child is used to and knows how to live. That adult would NOT feel comfortable with someone nice. They wouldn’t know how to deal with it. It would be uncomfortable, they instantly would not trust the nice person and they would do all kinds of things to sabotage the kindness…because the belief of that adult is that love is paired with abuse. You change that by working with a specialist, educating yourself and helping yourself change the story around love. This is a VERY simplified answer, as there are a gazillion layers to this concept, but this is at least a start. Does this help you understand? If you feel stuck with your own situation, let’s talk about it more. What is your story/belief about what love is?
Ok, so if I understand you correctly, I have things I am not following through with myself. Do I need more clarity, what exactly it is I want? Like I said, it has changed over the last 8 years with every relationship. This is part of the path, but not the priority right now. This is about creating clarity about something external – a relationship. Your priority and where you receive clarity from is when you go internal and develop/strengthen yourself from the inside.
What does the recent breakup show about where I don’t love myself? I tried digging into that, but came up with blank. I don’t know all of the details of your relationship to be able to give you several examples, but the one example is you wanting to do what you can to get this guy back. You came here wanting to fight for a guy who bailed on you pretty quickly, without talking to you, without trying to work through things with you, without being a true partner. One day he is playing and having fun and bonding with you and the next he is telling you he doesn’t really have feelings for you. This is a guy who is not safe to be with emotionally….yet you wanted to get him back. Self love would be saying “As much as I connect with man, I am not interested in being connected with someone who is not clear and handles things this way. I love myself more than a connection with a man who is not clear that I am someone he wants in his life.” Is this helpful?
I somehow hoped for a second chance to do everything the right way and be pregnant and enjoy it and feel the excitement, versus the horror I experienced, have another child full time. Do you see how you wanting a child is coming from a place of woundedness? You have not forgiven yourself from the past and you want to do things “right” and that is NOT a way that you want to bring a child into this world. It’s using that child to give YOU the experience you feel you want to create and using that child for your own healing. Truth is, even if you had another child, there is no guarantee you would get to have that kind of experience anyways.
I also think I connect that family goal with loneliness in the future. I get sad, homesick and lonely on holiday’s every year (also something I need to work on), if I look into the future I see a table full of kids and grandkids around the Christmas table. No loneliness or let’s say I fear that not happening. Bingo! You are getting it!!! You are starting to see how having more kids is more about avoiding loneliness than anything. So once you do the healing work, clear the baggage, THEN you can create a family, or not create a family, from a clear place and not a wounded place or fearful place. Make sense?
When I try to think about it, I feel a mental block of emptiness, like I am hitting a wall. This is usually a symptom of trauma. We have amazing abilities to block things out, go blank, go numb in order to survive things. So hitting a wall is letting you know that you are protecting something. What that is? Who knows.
What you are saying makes a lot of sense, great job on clearing that baggage and finding happiness and being present! Thank you for acknowledging this! Made me feel good 🙂
I could see myself live somewhere by the ocean sailing or living on a sail boat. I would love to envision a partner to do life with, even without kids. See??? A beautiful and amazing life IS possible without more children. There are pros and cons to no more children and pros and cons to more children. Either direction, your sole job to create and protect your own happiness…that’s it! So that no matter what shows up in your life, you know how feel complete, fulfilled and happy with WHAT IS.
I know this is a lot. Hang in there. Keep asking questions, keep being curious, keep exploring. You will absorb what you are ready to absorb, so just trust that.
Heidi
Okay! Noooooow I get it! I understand what he was saying! Thank you for explaining it.
I can understand why something like that would be a trigger for you. My guess is, he was just fishing in a very indirect way. So let’s look at your reaction a bit more. This is a beautiful moment of really observing the unresolved baggage from your past that got triggered by his comment. That is what makes all of us so different and unique and WHY it’s so incredibly important to NOT judge someone when they are having a reaction….there is ALWAYS a valid reason (to them) for their reaction and it’s ALWAYS triggering some unresolved hurts. If he were to have said that comment to me, I would have just smiled and played with it a bit more instead of getting angry. This is part of you understanding human behavior in general. You reacted and got triggered and someone else would have wondered what’s the big deal, including the guy who made the comment? So it’s important to understand that fundamental difference that exists between all of us. Then it’s important for you to own your reaction and take care of yourself. Really look at the core of your reaction. It has nothing to do with this guy, but instead feeling no seen, not known and feeling “accused” of something that was not true. Work with those feelings. Get to know them, ask more questions of yourself and explore where you are holding on tight to some of the wounds from your past. Does this make sense?
I feel like it’s a good idea for you to take some time and stop dating. You definitely have a higher level of sensitivity and I LOVE IT! It’s soooooo important for you to allow more parts of you to come out and to use your voice. There is a lot of healing that needs to take place right now, so getting to focus on yourself is really important. What kinds skills do you want to develop? How do you want to work through your triggers? How would you handle it differently if this were to happen again?
Heidi
This is another huge step for me I think because I probably would have thought oh he’s a nice guy so what does it hurt. Now, I’m looking out for me in a huge way. Thank you for helping me to find this part of me again! Yayayayayaya! This is soooooo exciting!!!! I’m really really proud of you! You are heading in a really good direction!!! I want to invite you to disconnect from him completely. Unfriend him and block him. Do not let him into your world and if you end up running into him, just be cordial and move away from him. He has no interest in respecting your boundaries. He is behaving in a way where he is showing you that his agenda is all that matters and how you feel and what you want is not important to him. That is a guy who is potentially abusive! I will never forget in college when they called all of us female athletes into an auditorium and a police officer talked to us about sexual assault. He said one thing that I never forgot. He said that if you say no and the guy does it anyways, even if it’s trying to hold your hand, buying you another drink or whatever…HE IS A POTENTIAL RAPIST. It shocked me because guys had been that way all the time with me and I just thought it was normal. I had never looked at it that so it was very eye opening and very true. So get as far away from that guy as possible. Next time, you will catch this behavior much sooner and instantly disengage. The very first time a guy ignores your requests, boundaries, expressed needs, you will get up and walk away instantly. Because you stayed and continued to interact for a bit, he was able to push you a bit further and a little further and a little further. Guys like that know how to push a woman until they eventually get what they want. You stopped the momentum which is AMAZING!!!! Now it’s time to close the door completely. No explaining, no nothing. DO NOT give him one more ounce of your energy. I’m super super excited for you to get to feel this part of you!!!! WOOOOHOOO!
I’m sure he will wait to see you. I’m so sorry but I am really confused. I do not understand what this means. I don’t get how what he said was offensive. I don’t even understand what he said and what it means. Can you explain this to me?
I did message him this morning wishing his father well for surgery today and if he needed to talk he knew where I was and he thanked me for it. I know this could have been the reason why he said it because he’s worried about his father’s surgery but still it did not need to be said in my eyes (maybe I’m being oversensitive right now since working on me). But in the end, I did stand up for myself and made it clear that no one was going to walk over me with things. Here you are again, reconnecting with a guy who had no idea, nor interest in understanding how he triggered you. For him to “play dumb” is a wimpy way out. From what you told me about how you responded, it seems to me like it was pretty clear that he upset you. Although I don’t understand why, from how you explained things, he is not very connected to himself or to you nor equipped to deal with your emotions in a healthy way. And now you are reconnecting with him and re-engaging with him by asking him about his father’s surgery. This is you plopping back into the pattern that you are wanting to get away from. Does this make sense?
Yes, you stood up for yourself!!! But by re-engaging, you are not following through. You are not honoring that you did not feel seen, heard or understood by him, yet you are moving forward with him anyways. It is NOT your job to teach him. If he wants to learn how to be more conscious and connected to a woman, he can take that journey on his own. It is NOT your job to teach him or tell him how he upset you. Your job is to deal with your reaction and really look into what triggered you and why AND to also disconnect from this guy as well, because he is not emotionally safe nor available for you. Thoughts?Heidi
Ohhh! You are in Colorado?? So am I! I live near Boulder. Whereabouts are you??
But growing up I never had boundaries only the shame, disappointed in you and can’t even look at you treatment. Clearly that is why I feel like I am not enough. BINGO! I’m sure you are working with your therapist on this stuff, so I won’t spend much time on this. Do you feel really clear as to how your relationships with your parents are influencing the design of your life??
So yes I am working on my believes of belonging and feeling lonely, but counseling has not been very fruitful in that regard. Any suggestions? I’m wondering if you really feel like therapy is having the kind of impact you were hoping for. How do you feel about the process? I have a brilliant coach who is able to help me clear my baggage soooo quickly. Her methods and techniques work so fast, there is not a single session I have ever had with her over the years, that didn’t feel like I was a different person after the session. She isn’t for everyone, because she is a very deep diver and holds you accountable for EVERYTHING you are choosing in your life. A lot of people are not up for that kind of journey which is okay. I’m happy to share her contact information if you would like to just have a short conversation with her to see what she is about. Just let me know and I’ll send you a private email. She is worth every penny in my opinion. This is how you need to feel about the person you are working with. If you feel anything less than this, maybe it’s time to consider looking elsewhere? Just a thought.
Everything you listed is great! You created some wonderful qualities! So the concept is, you must be able to give all of those things to yourself first and foremost before every requiring it from someone else. For example, you want a guy who listens to you. The last guy you chose was emotionally unavailable, so instead of listening to yourself and really honoring your true needs, you stepped into an experience that was similar to your father. The rule of thumb is, you cannot ask for something from someone you are not giving to yourself first. You cannot offer anything to anyone that you don’t have. So you may THINK you are loving someone, but if you are not loving, respecting, honoring yourself, first and foremost, ON ALL LEVELS, you are not really offering a clear, clean, love to anyone else. Does this make sense? That’s the journey for ALL of us….having unconditional love, respect, care, compassion, kindness, gentleness, understanding FOR OURSELVES, even in our worst messups, our worst pain, our worst heartache. That’s why breakups are such a gift. It shows us where we are not loving ourselves. Most people want the person back to stop the pain and they call it “love” but it’s NOT a clear love….it’s a wounded love. It’s an escape from pain getting back into a dysfunctional relationship. So the path is about stepping into the network of pain that the breakup triggered and really working with it and learning how to source yourself instead of looking to him or anyone else to make you feel better. It’s tough for sure, but well worth the journey.
I DO WANT TO FIND HAPPINESS NO MATTER WHAT SHOWS UP. It just seems so unimaginable. You ask such wonderful questions! You have a strength about you to be able to ask these kinds of questions. The answer is simple, but far from easy. You clear the baggage. It’s the baggage we are carrying that is full of lies and stories and perspectives that are not very clear. This influences how we create and experience our lives. When you clear the baggage, you clear the lies, the stories and tainted perspectives and replace it all with truth. What’s the truth? You are loveable, you are enough, you are strong, you are beautiful, you are worth loving and fighting for REGARDLESS of what is happening in the outside world. This even means that if you don’t have another child, you KNOW that life can still be filled with incredible joy and pleasure. When any of us are looking to feel to happy, connected, love or meet any of our needs by a source that is on the outside of us, we are allowing out happiness to be linked to that outside source…which in reality, is a very unpredictable path. You could meet the most amazing man in the entire world and fall deeply in love, yet he is in a wheelchair. He can’t touch you or give you babies. Are you going to say no to that experience? Or are you going to choose to nourish that love and get creative with how you can get your physical touch needs met? If you can’t have another child, can you get creative in how you can bring that mothering, nurturing energy into your life in other ways?? The goal is to be able to observe what you need, WHY you need it and get creative in how you can source yourself that comes from WITHIN instead of relying on outside sources for your happiness. I don’t have children. I always thought my life would have a gazillion of them because I love children. It didn’t turn out that way, so a way I source myself is by doing a TON of dog sitting. I have weekly playdates, I take care of dogs when their owners are out of town and I have sooooooo much fun! My pack is my family. I get to feel like a mother on a daily basis by being a guardian to these precious souls. I have to learn their language, I need to make sure they are safe, I need to understand what they need, I connect deeply with them. All these things are the kind of mother I am and I am 100% okay and content with not having any children. And to be honest, at my age now and looking back, I am soooooo much happier that this is how things turned out instead of having children. BUT….I had to clear a lot of baggage in order for me to CHOOSE to live my life from this kind of perspective. I implicitly trust that whatever shows up for me, it’s for my own growth and expansion, so I work on not being attached to any kind of outcome and instead just stay present. Does this make sense?
So let me ask you this…what do you think your life will be like if you do not have any more children?
Heidi
I highly suspect there are some physiological causes as well. Mental disorders like bipolar are different than mood disorders like anxiety and depression. Depression, at first is all about our feelings from the past and anxiety is fear of the future. With depression, the longer and more intense depression hangs around, it can turn into an actual chemical imbalance, at which time medicine is needed to help. You may be prone to depression considering your lineage, but it doesn’t mean that you are depressed because of it. If there were nothing to be depressed about, you wouldn’t be depressed, regardless of what your grandmother had. Does this make sense? Regardless, clearing the stuff your system is holding onto will undoubtedly have a huge impact on how often you get depressed and the kinds of decisions you make in your life. I understand you are not willing to invest your finances into this part of your life by working with a specialist. And 1 or 2 sessions isn’t going to be that impactful. I always say that if you really want to do some serious cleaning and clear stuff out, plan on at least a year. Since that isn’t something you want to do, you can always start the process by reading books, doing the exercises they put in the books, you can watch videos, you can purchase programs, either live or pre-recorded. There are many other options that are affordable to at least get you started on the path. Just a thought.
I knew better than to go back to work for them as I have seen them treat employees, clients and vendors like shit. I would be angry too. It’s so awful to have a company just start taking money you have worked hard for, without agreement. I hope that somehow you will be able to recover some of it. It’s a very powerless feeling. I’m wondering…how come you chose to work for this company knowing how they treated people?
Heidi
so my coping strategy failed me. LOL. Your coping strategy didn’t fail you. I know this has not turned out the way you would have chosen, but I’m a firm believe in “you may get what you wanted, but you got what you needed.” You are exactly where you are supposed to be for your growth, for your expansion, for your faith building and so much more. I know it’s sooooo not fun though.
So my tolerance for pain there is substantially lower than it used to be. I have no doubt of that! You have come through an incredible amount in your life. Your standards are much higher now and you’ve done a good job moving on! I’d like to encourage you to keep going! I take you back to your statement I know I have a high tolerance for pain, pretty much go numb to deal with it. Strong, too strong for my own good. Being that you have been in survival mode for soooo long, maybe it’s time to really look at your pain tolerance level and do some deeper healing work. Yes? No?
What specific baggage and how do you want me to deal with it? I don’t know what is in your baggage, I just know you carry around a lot of hurt. You deal with depression frequently, the words you use to tell your story and when you refer back to the hardships of your life…there is still a lot hurt that comes across. Depression, in and of itself, is enough to know that someone is carrying A LOT of unprocessed hurt, anger etc.
I just told here I knew she did the best she could at the time. I realize she had a very dysfunctional childhood so didn’t have the skills to parent well. Same with my dad. So while it hurt and I know I didn’t deserve to be treated that way, I also know they didn’t have the skills and at least wanted to do what was right. I thought I had done pretty good at dumping my baggage so could use some more specifics. You may believe that, but it doesn’t change the hurt she caused. Regardless of their limitations, they caused a TON of pain in your life that you have never really dealt with. Like you said…you go numb. That’s a coping mechanism, that is not letting go of baggage. Your mind might have forgiven your parents, but the hurt feelings they created still live inside of you. That’s why you are prone to depression more frequently. Does this make sense?
What do I suggest you do? Well…if you want deeper healing from all the hurt you have buried, I would suggest working with a specialist. I have mentioned this before, but it just seems like you have never really been interested in taking that path. Journaling and all the other skillsets to manage emotions is just working with the surface. It doesn’t help you heal from things that happened years ago. It’s more meant to support you. So in the end, it’s up to you what you want to do. When you are in enough pain or tired enough of the depression and want to create a different kind of experience in your life, maybe you will consider doing deeper work. I don’t know. Maybe you feel your life is good enough as it is and that’s okay too! Your life is your design.
I’m not sure if any of this is making sense. It’s so incredibly difficult to talk about this stuff through this platform.
Heidi
All this is helpful and somewhat it seems overwhelming and maybe a bit discouraging. Totally get it! I definitely have a tendency to overshare and can cause someone to feel overwhelmed. I’m a speedy kinda of gal when it comes to learning, so sometimes it’s too much for someone. My apologies. I will work better on taking one step at a time with you. It IS a lot of information and can absolutely feel overwhelming.
he basically said that he hardly ever brings anything up unless it is essential. He told me that it was always her bringing up issues, he never would. If I think about it now, I could see how that would prevent us from having a truly deep connection and love. Perfect! That was a great question and you got a wonderful answer! Basically, he told you that he holds things in and if you are going to know him, you are going to have to chase him. He is not really interested in being known, using his voice, or getting his needs met…he is a solo kind of guy and that’s how he handles and lives his life.
If I do ask the right questions, he will eventually open up though I think. Maybe…maybe not. But is that how you want to spend your time? Is this the kind of relationship you want to have in your life? You will be spending all your time trying to just get him to open up – of which I’m sure sometimes it might work, but sometimes it wouldn’t. That’s exhausting! You become his mother. You become the person who is caring about him and his needs and feelings because he won’t do that for himself. That’s like a mother/child relationship. It’s a toxic pattern and ruins intimacy.
I am just still heart broken. I am sure it will take a while to get over it and I am not looking forward to dating someone else again. Of course you are heartbroken. It hurts and it is going to take some time. The good thing about this pain is you are here learning now. You are learning how to be more aware and conscious of your choices. You are developing a new kind of perspective about how to date – because you don’t want to have to go through this again! It’s awful! I know you feel like you don’t want to date again and that’s okay. You are wounded and you need some healing time. You will date again when you feel ready.
I have a list of 5 things. Is that list too superficial? Am I missing the important parts? Like communication and independence, where each of us can give each other space?
1) Character (humility, respect, honesty, etc)
2) Loves outdoor activities/active
3) Likes to Travel
4) Wants more kids and loves my son
5) Loves God and giving backIt’s a great place to start! Don’t worry about what might be “superficial” or not. This is YOUR list and no one knows what works for you more than you. I would more say that these qualities are general. How about writing out how you would like to be treated when things are hard, stressful, challenging. Start with that and share it here and then I’ll give you the next step.
DO you make a list of absolute NO’s also? Everyone seems to have different flaws and at first I think that I can live with that, but over time it gets worse and worse until it doesn’t work. Part of that was my fault for being ok with it and then changing. Yes! That’s what the non-negotiable list is…the absolutes in every areas of your life. Health, money, family, spiritual, emotional etc. Think about yourself first. THink about what YOU do and need on a daily basis that helps you keep your balance. What helps keep you in joy and feeling nourished? What helps you when you are stressed out? It’s about understanding and deeply connecting with and honoring your needs and not negotiating those away. So no…you DO NOT want to do anything for the one you love. When you truly love someone in a healthy way, you DO NOT leave yourself out of the equation. Loving someone else MUST be a loving thing that you are doing for yourself. A question to always hold in your mind: Is it loving, kind and nourishing TO ME, to love this man?
I am in such a better place than I was, but I still feel like I am doing something wrong or missing something important to create a lasting, loving and extraordinary relationship. I am definitely willing to do what it takes. Well done! Very good job! I love and am fully invested in what you would like to create in the kind of love you want to experience. It’s beautiful! The first step is by having that kind of love with yourself. You said you love to love others and it sources you. What do you do that is loving for yourself that DOES NOT involve doing anything for anyone else? Now that you have identified some deep core beliefs, what can you do to source yourself? How can you feel like you belong in your life? How can you help yourself feel like you are enough? I imagine your therapist is working with you on this, yes?
The older I get the more pressure there is though if I want more kids and the less hope I seem to have. I still believed in finding the one for life, but that hope is fading faster now. First, are you okay if you don’t have more kids? Speaking from experience, my life has not turned out AT ALL the way I had imagined. The beauty in that was me learning to find the ultimate happiness and peace regardless of what showed up in my life. My happiness is not based on certain things happening in my life. Do you feel this is something you are willing to work on? Would you be willing to let go of this idea of your future and the pressure you are putting on yourself about children? Are you willing to be okay with whatever happens?
Also…would you be willing to let go of the idea of “the one for life?” The reality is, there are NO guarantees. You could have the love of your life die early, you guys could end up separating for some reason, you guys could just grow apart after 10 years…who knows! There just is no such thing as “the one.” What is more true is “the one for right now.” Is that a reality you would be willing to be open to?Now I am more scared of commitment and heartache than ever before. This is natural. It doesn’t have to stay this way though. It’s about you working through this, learning and growing and trusting yourself that you can handle anything that shows up in your life…even another heartbreak. You are resilient, yes? You are resourceful, yes? You are willing to dive in do the healing work, yes? Then know that no matter what shows up, YOU WILL BE OKAY and heal! If you end up with another heartbreak, there will be things to learn from that experience. There are many gifts in any painful situation. You make a choice to NEVER let fear make the decisions for you. That means facing the fear each time, working with the stories that source that fear and become stronger from it.
DO I just need to give it time? What should I be working on/learning first? The first thing you should be working on, is yourself. Focus on your healing. Focus on getting to know the fears you carry around love. Focus on the woundedness you carry that cause you to pick the kind of guys that you do. When you focus on yourself, you will reap the greatest benefits.
Hopefully this was not too overwhelming for you. Let’s just keep plugging away at this!
Heidi
I forgot to add something. I like to coach people in finding their “person” by using their non-negotiable list. There is quite the process to go through in creating this, but the concept is everything on this list truly is non-negotiable. It’s not a “wants” list, it’s a “needs” list. It does change and evolve over time as you shift and change, but it’s a list that says “I will not be okay in a relationship without these components.”
Here are a few things on my list:
1. Romantic
2. High emotional intelligence
3. Animal lover
4. Active
5. High communicatorMy list is quite long, but the idea is this: Let’s say I have 20 things on my list. I could meet a guy who has 19 of those qualities, but if he doesn’t have that last quality, it’s a deal breaker. Every element on this list is a deal breaker. You have to get VERY clear about what your deal breakers are and then you date from that list.
At the end of the day, no one is perfect, neither am I, so there will always be things to compromise on and to accept. You have to be able to love and accept those imperfections. Again, the worst in someone has to be something you are willing to work with, accept and deal with. That’s where you compromise. You DO NOT compromise on your non-negotiable list – and on that list needs to be how you are treated when they are at their worst. I will NEVER compromise with a guy who calls me names when he is upset. If he even does that once, I’m out! I will not compromise with a guy who is not curious about himself, his wounds, his behaviors etc. If he is not curious about himself and not interested in traversing his own subconscious, I will absolutely feel VERY alone in the relationship and I will not last. That’s not something I can compromise on. So again…whatever their limitations are, they need to be acceptable for you. You have to be able to love and accept him for who he is and not who you think he could become if they fixed certain things. There will ALWAYS be something to fix. But like this current guy…you will take him back if he changes. The changes he needs to make are BIG changes and they are deal breakers for any relationship if it’s going to be happy and sustainable. So he has A LOT of work to do and it will take quite a while before anything shifts for him. So taking him back would mean you are compromising on your non-negotiable list. Thoughts on this? It’s so incredibly hard to explain everything in this format. I teach a whole class on this over several weeks, so I’m trying to summarize without adding in all the extra layers. Hopefully it’s making sense. Keep asking questions!!!
I want to start out by saying that what you are going through is incredibly tough. It seems like every which way that you turn, there is something else that is challenging that you have to deal with. Every cell in my being wishes that I could fix that for you. I know you chose this job, believing it was your dream job and it hasn’t turned out that way at all. My heart goes out to you and I’m so sorry this who experience has been more challenging than nourishing. It’s hard!
I’d like to offer some different perspectives and challenge you a bit now.
I know I have a high tolerance for pain, pretty much go numb to deal with it. Strong, too strong for my own good. Having a high pain tolerance actually makes you quite fragile. High pain tolerance does not mean you are strong in any sustainable way. I used to believe the same thing, as that is how I functioned. I could hold up under a mountain’s worth of stress and not break. I would still function and make it through. After working with a therapist for a while, the thing I realized was that kind of strength is actually very fragile. It’s not sustainable, it costs an incredible amount of energy and it prevents true, deep intimacy. I didn’t REALLY understand what she was saying until I started to undo these “pillars of strength” I had developed over the years. Whoa! I realized those pillars of strength were full of fear, lies, wounds, hurt etc. And all I kept doing, in a very unaware/subconscious way, was stepping into situations that brought me more challenge, more pain, more rejection etc. so I could keep adding to these “pillars of strength.” Yes, I got through an incredible amount in my life, but as I undid those pillars, healed and released those hurts and replaced it with self-love…I became more and more sensitive. My pain tolerance slowly decreased over the years, to the point now where I have so little tolerance for it. I have no time or energy to interact with people I am not nourished by. I have no interest in stepping into any situation that will bring hardship into my life. I have an incredibly peaceful and nourishing life with such low stress and I protect that with everything I have. THAT is what a healthy internal strength is about….having a very low pain tolerance.The thing about your life Rhonda, is yes you have survived and have done some INCREDIBLE things!!! You are quite resilient – AND you have never really processed all of the challenge. Because you haven’t really worked deeply within, that means you are carrying around a TON of baggage that is always influencing how you experience your life. You are depressed quite a bit and you have not been happy in your life for quite a while now. Yes, external situations contribute to that in which you have no control over, but all of those external scenarios are being piled on top of all the baggage you are carrying around everywhere. It’s why you get depressed. You are carrying A LOT!!!! If you worked on letting go of that baggage from the past, the stress that shows up from current situations will be sooooooo much more easy to deal with. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Nadin,
You are asking some really really great questions! There is a TON to talk about here and many levels to work through, so stay connected as I share those different layers. It’s a really long conversation and an important one!
You don’t typically see people’s bad side early on in a relationship, or how they handle stress or do you? What am I missing? There is a REALLY important skill that needs to be developed if you are going to see “behind the mask” so to speak. It’s learning the language of the subconscious. If you understand that the MAJORITY of what we say, do and feel comes from the subconscious, then you can understand the importance of learning how to detect it and interpret it. Being that our thoughts, feelings, behaviors are sourced from a place that most people are not connected to, it’s easy to be fooled and confused as the subconscious leaks out in different ways over time. If you understand the language of it, you can definitely have a more clear understanding about who you are REALLY dealing with.
There are 2 main things you need to develop. Your intuition and understanding of behavior. As you develop these, you will see someone through a COMPLETELY different set of eyes.
Here is a very simple example. Many women easily get swept away when they come across a guy who gives them tons of compliments. I always here “I’ve never been treated so well or I’ve never had a guy so emotionally open and willing to tell me how he feels.” This is a HUGE red flag. There are a lot of variations to why a guy would be this way, but here are few reasons why I would be VERY cautious. First, guys know that women are typically used to be treated pretty poorly. A smart guy would find easy “prey” by just dishing out the compliments, getting her to fall for him and trust him, then he can have his way with her sooner than later. Another scenario might be a guy who falls waaaaay too hard, too fast. He could be a guy who is obsessive and possessive. There is this book and this “secret” group of men who study women and methods to “get” them. A guy who used to be part of that group wrote a book called “The Game.” It’s not so secret anymore, but they would use techniques like this: If there was a girl he wanted to talk to, he would find a way to “reject” her, in order to activate her need to connect. So let’s say that girl is with 3 other friends, he would walk up to the group of girls and talk to each girl EXCEPT the girl he really wanted. This causes the girl to feel left out and activate a desire to want to connect with him so she can feel “special” and included. Eventually the guy gives in and connects with her, but only after she chases him a bit. They also teach the guys to get the girl used to be touched by him. So let’s say they are on a dance floor. He might grab her hand to leave the dance floor to grab a drink, but as he grabs her hand, he grazes her breast or her yoni. He might do this a handful of times in various, subtle ways, throughout the night – to get her used to being touched by him in sexual areas of her body….kind of like subliminal messaging.
Goodness, I’m going down a rabbit hole, aren’t I? I could talk about this stuff for hours!!!!! Let me stop there and get more focused.
Here is one thing you can begin to think about and practice, even with your friends. Get good at asking questions and then paying attention to their answers…more than their words. You want to listen to their tone of voice, emotions, body language, and the words they use. Questions reveal A LOT!!!
If I am starting to like a guy, I will start to ask him questions that will tell me about how he handles stress. So I might ask things like, what are you like when are angry? Hurt? Depressed? What’s the worst heartache you’ve ever had to deal with? What did you do? What’s the biggest disappointment you have had to face in your life? WHat did you do? What’s the worst things you’ve done to someone else? How come? These types of questions can give you a potential small window into how the guy handles stress. You obviously want to deliver these questions in a way that doesn’t make him feel like he is being interviewed. They should come up in the natural course of a conversation. So I listen to what they say and then I pay attention to see if what they say is aligned with their actions. So I might purposefully create some stress and see what they do. I might show up late to a reservation. I might accidentally spill water on him. I might forget something at home and we have to go back. I might ask to change plans at the last minute. I might be extra emotional about something to see how he handles it. Does this make sense?
Let’s just start with this and see how it feels for you. This is just the tip of the iceberg. What is most important to understand though, is that we are all fundamentally the same. We ALL have trauma reactions. So the only way to truly see and understand someone else’s depths beyond the mask, is to understand yourself. You can only know someone else to the depth that you know yourself. So the deeper you go within, the easier it is to see someone else’s depths. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Connie!
Accepting “help”–now I’m understanding it better. Oh good! I’m glad you are understanding it better. It makes it much easier to practice now. I remember in college, I had to do the same exact thing, except with a different issue. I was not very comfortable saying no. I said yes A LOT. So my therapist at the time gave me the same exact assignment and man was it uncomfortable. My boyfriend at the time struggled with it because he was very used to me saying yes – but he was great and supported me anyways. It didn’t change that we got into fights more frequently because of it though. But in the end, it was good for me! I HAD to get comfortable saying no to EVERYTHING that I had a little inkling of not wanting to do….and then I found my balance and even 30 years later I am still very balanced in this area of my life. It shifted me permanently, which is the result you want to work towards. I hope you get to have the same experience!
I’m tired of dealing with things this way and want to rid myself of this craziness and hurt that never goes away. GOOOOOOD! I’m really glad to hear this! You are supposed to be tired. It’s not a sustainable way of living if you want to be happy in your life. You are in such a beautiful place of growth and expansion and it’s just going to keep going. There is a lot to learn, right? It’s a forever path, BUT the further along you get, the more joy and peace you will find.
I understand the “obligated” thing now. The goal is to listen to yourself more than other people. I always listen to others’ ideas and perspectives, but ultimately it has to go through MY filter before I decide what I need and want. When you strengthen your own inner voice and make that your authority vs. making others’ voices your authority, you will be good to go! No more obligation!
Heidi
Thank you for such a wonderful update!!! There is sooooo much to unpack here, so I’m going to do my best. Let’s just keep talking it through.
I’m not sure I fully understand your statement ‘how about accepting or asking for help even when you don’t need it.”
I do create memories with people and connect with people, so I’m a bit confused. I understand I haven’t always been going out with friends when asked but I have changed that recently (I have grown a lot with accepting offers of going out and I have asked people to go out to do things as well). We are talking about 2 different things here. Being social and accepting offers to go out is NOT about accepting “help.” That’s just about being social and building connection through play and fun. What I meant by my statement about asking for help even when you don’t need it, is more about creating a giving/receiving kind of exchange. There are a gazillion varieties of this. It could be asking for ideas or advice (even if you don’t need advice), it might be asking for ideas of restaurants to go to, or movies to see, or at the supermarket when the person asks if you want help carrying your groceries out, you say yes, even though you know you could do it yourself. Does this make sense? There are sooooo many thing you could ask for help with, but you don’t even consider it, because it’s never been an option for you before. So you are living in one extreme of doing EVERYTHING yourself. So now…in order to find the balance, you need to go to the other extreme of asking for help with EVERYTHING you can think of. Say yes to all the help that is offered. Once you get cozy with saying yes, then you can move more towards the middle where you say yes and no according to what suits you best. How does this approach feel for you?
They have been getting the complete information from me so they can fully understand where/why/when my self esteem takes a dive down low. I know I need to stop focusing on the part that it comes from my childhood and what my mother said/done.I just don’t know how to stop that from being so powerful in my brain (I’m not sure I am using the correct words for explaining it). That’s the secret key, right? The brain!!! Our thoughts and feelings are sooooo incredibly powerful. You should check out this movie, so you can better understand how your emotions and brain impacts your life. https://www.amazon.com/What-Bleep-Do-We-Know/dp/B00E6GBIKU
Strong for me is being able to complete things and handle whatever comes your way.Some days, I don’t feel like I’ve completed anything worthwhile I guess (even though I have done a lot but I don’t see it as worthy–I know this is due to the low self esteem in my eyes). I do know I need to change that mindset from reading your posts but I’m not sure where to start with it. This is a really long answer. How about looking up this method and seeing if it resonates for you and helps you make sense of what you are feeling: It’s a 4 question method that can help you move through a situation.
I do feel safe in my life I have no doubt you do feel safe in your life AND there are areas where I imagine that isn’t true. We all have this. I feel incredibly safe in some parts and other parts…I still keep working with.
I usually trust my choices (I say usually because sometimes after I make a choice I second guess myself Do you trust your choices in relationships and love? Do you trust your choices and use of alcohol? Do you trust your ability to work through challenges in a healthy way?
I am that person who normally buries things I cannot fix in hopes of not having to deal with them. I do realize this is not healthy for me to do and I will work on this as I have buried so much over the years. If this is how you handle stress, then this would be an area where you do not trust yourself to work WITH your stress instead of bury it.
I haven’t read any self-help books, relationship books or any books to do about love, communication, dating, etc. Is there some that you would recommend me to look for at my local library? I have a gazillion to recommend, but I also am not sure what you and your therapist are focusing on right now for you. Maybe books to support your growth in that area is best for you? I have no doubt your therapist also would have a miles long list of recommendations, so maybe ask them about what books would be best for you right now, considering what you are working on.
This is where I struggle with things because the nice side of me used to say, sure I’ll go out with you for dinner and see how things go but now I’m seeing the red flags and going no way am I going to continue anything with this guy. I am trying my best not to be put in a place where I feel obligated to say yes (hopefully that makes sense). I LOVE LOVE LOVE this! I love that you are paying attention now! Good job! And I’m curious…what kind of situation would you feel “obligated” to say yes? What actually makes you feel “obligated?” Is it not a possibility for you to “no” in ANY situation you are in and that you are actually NOT obligated to EVER say yes?
Heidi
Hi Margaret. Thank you for being here and sharing your struggle. I’m soooo so sorry. It’s incredibly rejecting and awful to feel love for someone who isn’t on the same page as you are. Let’s really talk about this. How long have you guys been together?
Your focus is about trying to “get” him to stop looking at other girls and focus on you, but I want to invite you to consider that this guy is not interested in being that kind of partner. You keep trying to meet HIS needs at the expense of your own needs. You came out of an abusive relationship and then stepped into a rejecting relationship. You are not being physically abused, but you still chose to step into another experience where your needs don’t matter to the guy.
I don’t want to be the crazy jealous girlfriend, but I’m so tired of crying because I’m in love with someone who has told me he can’t love me back but he’s trying….but all I see is him trying to love every woman other than me. Why do you want someone to “try” and love you? Don’t you want a guy who is EFFORTLESSLY invested in you? A guy who is excited to talk to you? A guy who doesn’t feel like his day is complete without connecting with you? A guy who considers you his best friend and is interested in your needs and wants? You have chosen a guy who has no interest in being those things for you. You may have had a lovely weekend together, but that just is not enough. You are crying all the time because he isn’t emotionally available for you, so you are constantly feeling rejected. And then you have a great weekend thinking that you are actually getting somewhere with him, and then faced with the reality of who he is again. He cannot sustain a connection. He is not interested in nourishing his connection with you and he does not care enough about your needs to shift his behavior. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!
You have done a lot of wonderful things for him! You have really tried to be a wonderful partner. You are missing one thing though. Self-respect. A guy does not respect a woman who doesn’t respect herself. Your acceptance of his behavior and your acceptance of the tears and hurt you are choosing to deal with, is you not respecting your own needs and boundaries. So if you can’t even respect your own needs, desires and wants, then how can you expect anyone else to respect them? You are teaching him how to treat you. You are teaching him that his behavior is okay for you. You may say that it hurts your feelings, you may have asked him to stop many times, but none of that changes anything, does it? So you are just in the same cycle of him doing what he wants, him putting minimal effort into the relationship and you spending your time crying, watching your phone and hoping he will connect. So basically, his needs are more important than yours.
The analogy I like to use is a snake pit. You are walking down a road and you jump into a pit full of snakes. They bite and bite and bite and you are just staying in that pit, thinking that if you ask them to stop biting you, it might work. Maybe if you smack them away, they will stop biting, but what you don’t realize, is you are asking them NOT to be snakes. Snakes bite and you are wanting them NOT to be their nature. So you just stay there and continue to let them bite you and you choose to just keep hurting, instead of getting out of the pit.
He is who he is Margaret. He is not healthy for you. He is incredibly rejecting and that is not going to change. You can heal, develop higher standards as to how you expect to be treated and you can develop your self-respect. Saying no to constantly being hurt, would be the beginning of that journey. Letting him know that as much as you love him, you love yourself more and you are finally ready to make your needs a priority. Have you ever seen the movie “The Holiday?” You speak like the character Iris in that movie. Maybe check it out and see if you identify at all with her.
I know I have not offered the kind of guidance you wanted, but I’m hoping this guidance will connect you more with what you actually need.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Nadin!
Thank you for being here and sharing your story! Wow…what a whirlwind. You are falling in love one minute and the next minute he is telling you he doesn’t have any feelings. Completely shocking! I understand your confusion and really wanting him back in your life. It sounds like you guys had a really wonderful time together! Let’s talk about this a little more and see if there can be some clarity for you.
he hates talking and being open and he needed to figure this out I am really sorry to say this, but this is a deal breaker…as you are now experiencing. He has sooooo many wonderful qualities, but it only takes 1 limiting quality to ruin all of it…and it has. A person who isn’t willing to communicate, a person who isn’t willing to get help, ask for advice, ask for perspective or face challenges WITH others, is someone who is not really, truly built for relationship. Basically, he was only interested in interacting when things were good. Then the moment stress shows up…a big enough stress…he disconnects. He would rather go it alone. He would rather NOT be seen by anyone. He would rather go into his cave and not be bothered and no one is invited in…except for his daughter. This means that he is NOT set up to have a relationship. He is NOT truly intimate and nor is he interested in changing any of that.
I re-evaluated everything. I made lists of what I didn’t like and want a partner should be like. The only thing I can come up with is communication, everything else I loved about him and would want someone else to be like him (same job, same character, values, daughter, family, routines, etc.). I get that he is a great guy and has all of these amazing qualities that fit so incredibly well with your life. I know how hard that is to find. The thing is, you don’t actually want to pick a partner according to how well things go. You want to pick a partner according to who they are in their worst. How do they treat you when they are stressed? How do they treat themselves and others involved in the situation? No matter how amazing and wonderful things are when it’s good, if there is no trust, safety and respect when things are bad, the relationship will break. As you have learned, in his worst, he disconnects. He is not interested in growing. He knows his limitations and isn’t willing to do anything about them…at least not right now. So this one quality of his becomes MUCH bigger than all of his amazing qualities put together, because he is not a partner when things get rough. It’s more than just about improving communication. He has some SERIOUS fear when it comes to intimacy and allowing someone to be part of your worst side. We all struggle with this, but he is not willing to step into it.
What do you think about everything I have said so far?
Heidi
