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That song you posted by that girl was so incredibly beautiful and amazing! wow! Thank you for sharing that by the way. I have no doubt that experience changed her life! Keep listening!!!
I can see why you have lost a lot of respect for him. Does he not have a turnover manager??
Would like to be able to do things with friends. Is there something wrong with me because I want friendship and company? I didn’t mean to insinuate there was anything wrong. Our needs and desires always expose our relationship with ourselves. There are many different types of aloneness. I know you have spent a ton of time alone and you things alone all the time, yet here you are…feeling alone – and it’s adding to your depression. It’s a different level of aloneness that you normally don’t feel, because normally you have people to meet, nature to interact with, things to do. You don’t have that here, so now what??? Are you going to just accept that you are going to be depressed because your outside world isn’t meeting your needs? This is an opportunity to recognize how much you use nature and people and the mountains to keep you company and then when all of that is stripped away, you are miserable. So that means you have set yourself up to only be happy when you have nature to interact with frequently and people to go meet and things to do. All of that is normal of course. We all have ways that keep us balanced! However, you are massively out of balance because you cannot source yourself the way you normally know how to do. So now…your choice is to just stay out of balance and continue being depressed or fight to find your balance from within. When your outside world is falling apart, what makes you strong and resilient and able to sustain a level of joy and happiness is your inside world. Your needs are not being met and there is not much you can do about that right now. So this is a golden opportunity to strengthen yourself from within. Meet your own needs the way that nature does typically. Meet your own needs the way that all your meetup groups would do. I know it’s not the same when you do acts of self-love compared to receiving from the outside world and that’s okay. It’s still a money deposit into your soul bank. Depression takes you into disempowerment. I am guiding you into a place of empowerment which will give you an opportunity to learn how to source yourself, your joy, your happiness even if you were in the middle of the dessert, with no one around, no animals, no nothing except sand for miles and miles. When you can find happiness like that and when you become your dominant source of joy (you and your relationship with God), then you will be unstoppable in this life.
Heidi
I’m glad you are able to find some peace about how you relate to your parents. Your sister is the one who is more designed to care for them than you. Her belief system aligns with them and that’s great! There is no mistake in that. She needs to be the one caring for them, not you. It truly is the best design. Everyone gets to feel how they feel without a ton of chaos and drama and judgement and hurt…which is all that would happen if you were to step in and try and help. You honor each of them by accepting their choices and beliefs even though they are different than yours. By staying away, you are more accepting and honoring of their choices without needing to interact with their choices and beliefs. It truly is the best and highest design for everyone.
I know it’s hard to work for your boss. You get to practice honoring and loving yourself in the face of someone who is not very caring and honoring of your talents and contributions. This is a great oppportunity to strengthen your self love. That is what is going to keep you out of your depression. It’s not the isolation that is the problem. Isolation will come and go. You have dealt with depression for a long time and you can always say there is a “reason” that it gets activated. The reason lives within you and it will follow you everywhere you go until you truly listen to it, work with it and start to clear the baggage. Self love is one of the antidotes.
Hang in there! It sounds like you have some amazing trips planned. What a perfect time to truly get to know yourself as you travel around and see things on your own. There are a lot of gifts waiting for you!
Heidi
I am so so sorry for what you are having to go through right now. Most guys don’t quite get what it feels like for a woman to be ignored and disconnected from. In general, they experience relationship and connection much differently than we do. With that being said, I understand your fears and your hurt. It’s truly awful to be ignored by someone you love. The heart hurts and it’s all consuming. Ever second is filled with this heaviness and uncertainty.
Let’s see if we can figure this out. You said it’s his pattern to disconnect a lot and need some space. It sounds like he is doing what he normally does, but this time, it’s longer than normal. He sounds like he is avoidant and he is activating your anxious attachment style. First and foremost, it’s important for you to separate out his avoidant style and his care for you. I know you feel like “if he cared about me, then he wouldn’t ignore me like he is, especially when he knows how it makes me feel.” There is a little bit of truth about this, but it’s far from the whole truth. Him not connecting is just a coping mechanism and a completely separate thing than his care for you. When most people are in their coping mechanisms, their feelings kind of get pushed away and the emotions of whatever they are dealing with take over…so they don’t really have access to feelings of love and care for their partner until they are able to process whatever is consuming them.
Would you be willing to share what the argument was about? I know you said you guys have ups and downs “like most couples do.” Do you guys tend to have arguments about the same type of thing? What about communication do you guys struggle with? What are you getting jealous about and insecure about? What do you think he would say he is struggling with when it comes to you? It sounds like your struggle in general is about him disconnecting and not communicating very well. Is there anything else?
How about you sending him a text and say something like “I understand your need to have some time and space to deal with and figure out what you are feeling about me and us right now. I am willing to give you that space, but please honor that it’s incredibly difficult to feel this distance from you. Would you be willing to meet up for dinner on Friday night? I won’t contact you until then. I think it’s time for us to talk and get onto the same page…whatever that may be. Can you figure out what you want to say by then? If not, then when?”
Saying something like this can give him a little more space, but also require that he stop running from whatever it is he is not willing to face. Give him a few more days, but at least get a commitment from him about when he is willing to meet. And in the meantime, we can go over how to handle the conversation and the things you can do to help yourself through this.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Thanks for the update Melissa. There really is a lot going on.
I wondering how YOU feel. That is not so clear. You say that you guys are not really kissing and being intimate. How come? What is stopping you from initiating? It seems you have A LOT of feelings that you are just holding in and it seems it’s out of respect for him and what you are GUESSING he needs. It seems there is an “elephant in the room” that neither of you are discussing. What do you think will happen if you actually identify that? My guess is, you might be afraid of breaking up and you are avoiding that? Maybe you know that is what needs to happen? I don’t know, but what I do know is the lack of communication and authenticity is not going to fix things. Giving him more time and space and you taking more time and space only delays the inevitable of what needs to happen….an open and honest conversation and a commitment to either stay together and shift your patterns (and create an action plan on how you both are going to do that) or you guys decide it’s best to part ways.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
I just wanted to check in. How are you doing? Any thoughts about what I shared? Any new developments?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I just wanted to check in. I hoping to keep talking about this. There are a lot of layers you have to deal with. Any new developments? Any new thoughts? Any progress in one direction or another?
Heidi
Hi Kathy,
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Any new developments? Any thoughts? Have you still decided to stay away or have you stepped back in for another experience with him?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
Just checking in. How are you doing? Any new developments? Any thoughts about what I shared?
Heidi
That is a different perspective of honoring my parents. That is the thing about the bible, right? I remember being in college taking my religious studies course. It was a Christian school but non-denominational. My professor really exposed how the bible has been interpreted in MANY different ways by the top scholars etc. and how there is a massive amount of disagreement about what the words mean. If Christianity has over 30,000 different versions/practices, then the bible can be viewed a ton of different ways as well. So I would like to invite you to NOT operate out of fear, self-judgment, shame or obligation of what YOU think it means to be a “good” daughter and what YOU think it means to be “honoring” to your parents. Operate from your heart and guidance and what opens you up to be the best version of yourself.
I am soooo so sorry about what you have to deal with on a daily basis with your boss. He sounds awful. He is the kind of guy you just have to do exactly what you are doing…stay quiet and just do what he says. This is such a disappointment how this job has turned out. I’m so sorry Rhonda. I hope something wonderful is coming your way!
Wow! What an incredibly beautiful name you got to give him. Wow!!! It’s quite a powerful thing you got to do in naming him. I hope he likes it and really becomes all of those qualities. He is so lucky to have you!!!
Oh!!! and I’m glad you finally discovered what was causing your stomach upset. Yikes! Nuts eh? It’s hard when there are so few things you can eat and enjoy.
Heidi
You being honest and vulnerable is about YOU finally choosing to connect differently. You could end up completely being rejected or you could inspire him to want to risk with you again. There is no guarantee of the outcome, so there is a choice here. This is all part of you learning that it’s okay for you to be vulnerable and that you will be okay, no matter the response you get. It’s a risk, but so is love. You claim that you have changed and shifted, but it only sounds like you are willing to be vulnerable and honest about your feelings as long as you know he will respond the way you want him to. That’s just not how it works and it never will. Being vulnerable is about YOU be authentic. Sometimes you will be embraced and sometimes you will be rejected. You have to decide that being authentic is more important for you than hiding and letting fear control your choices.
Besides, wouldn’t you say that stepping into this fear is the biggest proof that you have shifted? Since he experienced you not being very romantic or passionate and not initiating, what better way to prove that you are working on that part of yourself, than to SHOW him you are doing something very uncomfortable and different.
You can even start the conversation by saying “I have something to share with you and I’m terrified of being rejected. I decided though, I want to be more authentic as a person, even if that means I do get rejected. You helped me really look at myself and I’d like to become more of who I am, instead of hiding away my feelings all the time. So here it goes….”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Gosh that’s a hard one. Such deep betrayal. Has he ever worked with a therapist or coach to process the hurt and betrayal? Something like this could “cripple” his ability to love for the rest of his life. If he never chooses to forgive her and release the hurt it caused, it will always be a SUPER strong wall that inhibits deep connection.
What are some of your thoughts about what I said? What kinds of things do you want to think about? Let’s keep talking about this.
Heidi
How do I balance and align God’s requirements to honor your parents and to not neglect family and still maintain my mental and emotional health Would you say that it’s “honoring” your parents to be a caretaker and miserable? You know that if you get into that environment, you will lose yourself. You will get triggered, you depression will increase, you will become more angry and they will feel ALL of that. Is that honoring your parents? I’d like to invite you to expand your idea of what you think God is asking you to do. You cannot maintain your mental health in that environment. God doesn’t say to sacrifice yourself in the process of “honoring” your parents. You are honoring them MORE by being the best version of yourself possible…which is NOT caretaking them and staying away. They have money, so they can hire a professional who is more equipped to deal with their attitudes and needs. Your parents DO NOT need to spend day after day feeling your anger, judgment, criticism and hurt. Honoring your parents IS honoring yourself and keeping them in the happiest environment possible…which means it’s best you stay away. Thoughts?
One reason I got my divorce was my ex would call me bitch on a regular basis and after a while I felt that’s what I was becoming. Getting that same feeling here. I’m glad you are recognizing this. It has a similar feeling, so now you have an opportunity to respond to it differently vs. becoming a victim to it. You becoming what your ex said you were, means a part of you was investing and believing in his words and perception of you. So now you have the chance to do it differently. How can you make different decisions so that you don’t lose who you truly are?
Heidi
My journaling is writing you. I know. You’ve said that many times. LOL. The thing is, writing in your own journal where no one will read it, means more stuff will come out. You will be much more honest and more of your subconscious will surface because it’s a safe place to write – no one will ever see it. It’s different than writing here.
Don’t know who to deal with that. Don’t know what to do. Gosh. That’s so intense what your sister is choosing to deal with. What is there to do Rhonda? You know you are not going to go back there and “relieve” your sister from her choices. So there is nothing more to do, right? Your guilt is something for you to really face. There is no “duty” here, yet you have a part of you that believes there is. It’s part of your depression tendencies. Remember depression is anger turned inwards. Guilt is a huge contributing factor. It’s something for you to explore if you want to release some of the baggage you carry around.
I’m fed up with Holland and I’m fed up with this job. I get it. There is a lot happening that makes your job increasingly more difficult. Hang in there. Practice forgiveness. Practice acceptance. Your boss gets to do what he wants even though it doesn’t work. Can you let go of doing things the “right” way??? It will make your life a lot more peaceful. Every single job you have had since I’ve known you, has brought you to this point of not being able to stand it anymore. You grab the next job available and it turns out it triggers you again in the same way. I’d like to encourage you to do it differently this time and maybe you will get a different result. You want to take a new job out of the energy of desperation and that can really muck things up. Just a thought. Either way, I’m sorry you are struggling so much.
How was Switzerland??
Heidi
