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I’m really impressed with you. You have a higher emotional intelligence and you are quite internally strong to be able to know the truths that you do. The thing is, it doesn’t matter what you know, it matters how you use that information. That’s usually the sticking point. Meaning, I know A LOT, but that doesn’t change I still have wounds that influence my choices when it comes to dating, love and relationships. That last guy I sort of dated, was ENTIRELY not available for me to the level that I needed. I knew it and I saw all the signs of it from the beginning. I moved forward with him anyways. I was more in a scarcity energy in my life when he came along, so he filled me up in ways that made me feel soooooo good. And that’s okay! It was tough letting him go and it hurt, but I used the experience to still bring me healing and growth. So what we know and what we choose will not align many times…especially when it comes to love. Use those experiences as a mirror to what is happening in YOU that you would choose an experience that you know is not for your highest good. Let your choices teach you where you are not aligned in truth. Let this connection show you where your low self-esteem lives. It’s all available and ready to be healed if you want.
I also know I don’t need to rely on other people’s apology or closure to move on but it does ease a bit of the pain. You are absolutely correct on this. You can heal without him and I would encourage that. Why? Mostly because it will teach you that you CAN do that. This will NOT be the last time in your life that you will need to heal, forgive and release without the aid of the offending person. It will happen MANY more times in your life, so learning how to do that now is a good thing for you. It empowers you. It strengthens you. It helps you know that truly have 100% of the power to create or destroy your happiness and it is NEVER dependent on the other person. It’s worth the journey.
Maybe one day I’ll be able to call him up and ask questions about stuff but right now I think he would just think I’m trying to get him back instead of me trying to get a perspective to better myself for the right person for me. You would be trying to get him back. And that’s okay. Of course that is what you want because you guys are connected, regardless of the limitations of the relationship. You don’t need his perspective. When you are truly healed, his perspective won’t matter. Besides, he is pretty mucked up anyways, so it’s not like you will get the most intelligent, clear, aware, wise answer from him that will help you. There are plenty of things you already know you can do to work on yourself.
A healthly relationship to me looks like two people who love and respect each other. This is a great starting place! I attached 2 articles from the Gottman Institute. This is a great resource in understanding how to create a strong, healthy relationship. They have studied love for decades and have an incredible amount of information. I would also suggest to read “A man’s guide to women.” Yes, it’s a book written for men, but it will help you understand some of your fundamental needs as a woman. It will help you be able to differentiate between you being “crazy” for your needs vs. what is more normal. I love that you were even exploring that. Very intelligent!!!
The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
Heidi
But I now know what is healthy and what’s not so I can back off in the future. Let’s talk about this more. What do you consider to be a healthy relationship?
How do I know when I am in a relationship with a guy, how long is too long to let them take space to themselves? Is it normal for a guy to take days to not talk to his girl with no warning? I know people may not want to consult someone every time you want to be alone but a text is not too much right? I understand your line of questioning and they are really great questions. These are questions you can answer for yourself though. I think you already know the answers to these questions, but you are having a hard time accepting it. Let’s walk through this for a second. If a friend of yours came to you and asked you these very questions, what would you tell her?
What is your personal opinion on the situation so far? Does it sound like he no longer wants to continue with me or he is trying to exit my life while he figures out what else he wants next? First, it’s not personal but you are making it personal as if he wants to leave YOU vs. his life just being extremely stressful right now…which is about him. Let’s just say it IS about you. The thing you have to pay attention to, is how he handles it. You are learning that he disappears when the stress is high enough. This is his coping mechanism and this WILL NOT change unless he REALLY REALLY REALLY works hard at it. I’m not sure he is willing to do something like that. None of our coping mechanisms really change…we just end up learning how to better manage how we cope. For example, I definitely LOVE LOVE LOVE to disappear and become unavailable when I am stressed. BUT…I know how unkind it is, I have learned new ways to deal with stress and I have also cleared a TON of baggage to be able to handle my life differently. So…I’m not seeing your guy change anytime soon. He would need A LOT of work, with experts, through books, through learning new ways to handle stress etc. if he is going to shift this response to his life. Do you see him doing something like that?
Heidi
It sounds like you would have a wonderful time if you were home. Next year! You have many more years ahead of you where you will get to spend it in the mountains. For right now, you get to have an experience that is strengthening you in very special ways that you are not even aware of yet. Value this time while you are there. I really hope Dynamysk will come through for you too. Will you still want to retire in a year if you get this job?
Heidi
I’m glad you are learning! This is great! Do you understand where your anxious attachment style comes from? How are you helping yourself through that? Being that you were not happy in the relationship, would you say that shifting your perspective about how you were responding to him, has changed that? It doesn’t sound like he has changed much, but you have. So do you feel that you actually can be happy with him as your partner in life if he were to NOT change?
I don’t wanna say the wrong thing. I get it. I understand you want to say things that help him feel supported. The thing is, there is no “right” or “wrong” thing to say. You just need to be yourself and if you end up saying the “wrong” thing, that’s okay!!! If he is not able to handle that, then he is not the right person you. Relationships need to be able to withstand moments where we are imperfect. We all are going to mess up MANY times in the course of the relationship, so what’s more powerful than trying to say the “right” thing is to be able to be yourself. He can teach you along the way what is more helpful or not helpful for him. You can always start by saying something like, “I really want you to feel supported by me. I’m a little worried I’m going to say the wrong thing, so I’m going to do my best to navigate this with you. You can teach me along the way what is working and not working for you. Is that okay?”
What I want is for him to be able to talk to me and not ghost me. I want him to keep his word on things. Of course you want this. We ALL want this. The thing is, he gets to decide who he wants to be. He gets to decide if he wants to have integrity in his word or not – at any given moment. So far, he seems to have a pattern of not being the best communicator, as do you, so the most you can do is improve on yourself and how you relate to him. He may not be interested in getting better in the same way and that is something you have to accept about him. Choosing someone like him means that you are going to get ghosted and that has nothing to do with you and there is nothing you can do about it. You either choose to accept him – as is – or you move on. It’s about YOU deciding what your standards are as to how you will be treated and you cannot force or push someone into treating you the way you want. You simply accept their behavior in your life or you don’t – based on YOUR standards. Does this make sense?
Thoughts?
Heidi
That would be an amazing Christmas present to get to be home for good!!! I love that you heard that Dynamysk is a good company to work for!! I hope it’s true for you. I’m definitely sending good vibes your way to have something open up there! It’s something to look forward to.
What’s Canada Day? Is it like July 4th Independence Day? What would you do if you were home?
Heidi
This is great news. So now it’s just a matter of waiting then? If something opens up, they will contact you? But if nothing opens up, then you just finish out your current contract? Am I understanding this correctly?
I’m so glad to hear they would be able to match your salary and hopefully allow you to work from home…or at least be back in your own house and near the mountains. That would be amazing!!!
Heidi
I’m curious….what do you think love is? What does it look like? How does it feel?
It seems that you have some idea that over-giving is a loving thing. Did someone teach this to you? Did someone role model this for you? Is it part of your culture?
One thing love is NOT…is giving at the expense of yourself. When you overgive, you end up “loving” at the expense of yourself and that is not a healthy version of love. That is called co-dependence. Co-dependence is when you are meeting the needs of “other” at the expense of yourself. Narcissism is meeting the needs of yourself at the expense of “other.” Neither quality is good or bad. In fact, it’s important to compromise sometimes and it’s important to be selfish sometimes. It’s when either of these qualities becomes the dominant way of functioning in a relationship, that it becomes toxic and sabotages the connection. It sounds like you tend to be on the extreme side of co-dependence and that is a quality many men are turned off by and I would say your guy falls into that category. Think about it for a minute. When you disconnected and took care of yourself, he came back to you. When you fully and completely became available, he stopped feeling for you. It’s unattractive to most men when their woman doesn’t know how to say no, isn’t comfortable with her boundaries, doesn’t have standards as to how she is treated. She feels more like an emotional wet noodle instead of a strong steel pole that can handle life. Your over-giving tendencies are unkind to you and will cause him to be more uninterested in you.
With that being said, if he just doesn’t have feelings for you, there is nothing you can do about that. I have experienced that where there is an amazing guy who is great on paper, but I just don’t have the feelings, no matter how hard I try. It just is what it is and there is nothing anyone can do about it. This really might be your situation. He may just not be meant for you and you chasing after him as if he is the only guy for you, becomes more obsession vs. trusting the process that another man might actually be a better match for you. He may not have feelings for you because he has wounds from his past relationship. That also is out of your control. It’s common and normal for people to be afraid to step into marriage when they still carry hurt from past relationships. He needs to resolve this on his own and not try and fix any of it by trying to make up for what that other woman wasn’t able to do for him.
My suggestion is to accept where he is at. Would you appreciate a man constantly chasing you and badgering you after you have said you don’t have feelings for him? All you are teaching him is that you don’t listen to what he is saying. You are teaching him that you are desperate and will do anything for his affections and that what HE needs doesn’t matter to you. You are teaching him that all that matters is what YOU want, which is him. How about instead….you take a step back. Learn to set boundaries, learn different ways to communicate and relate to him in a way that is honoring to YOU. How about letting him go and letting everything happen how it is supposed to instead of forcing it the way you want it to go. You will be HIGHLY disappointed if this is how you choose to approach life. Now is a good time to learn to let go fo control and trust the process. Do you have a religion you align with? How about trusting in your “god” or your higher being that all will happen the way it’s supposed to.
How do you feel about everything I have said? Does it make sense?
Heidi
Hi Saliha,
Thank you for being here and sharing your story with us. It is sooooo incredibly difficult to have strong feelings for someone and not have them returned. I’m so so so sorry you are having to deal with this. It sounds like you have a beautiful heart and it’s awful when it gets taken advantage of.
There are a few things I’d like to talk about first. My impression is that you are quite easy for him. It sounds like you are completely available for him anytime he wants and needs. You have overgiven time and time again, trying so hard to get him to like you and that approach typically causes men to NOT want to get involved. Your reactions to him not responding to you the way you want, are quite insecure. Meaning…there is something “wrong” with YOU that he views you as his sister. You have this incredibly strong feeling towards him, that you call love and you keep it alive with what you want him to be instead of what he actually is. You are giving him everything of you, yet he has earned none of it. He doesn’t respect you. He views you as his sister and he lied about his flights and he never followed through on the whole marriage thing…and yet you are saying that you are madly in love with this guy and that you can’t lose him. Do you see how there is a really big difference between how you feel and what is happening in reality? Yet you are professing this MAJOR love towards him when he treats you this way? Do you feel okay with this kind of love?
You have never had a relationship before. How come?
The very first thing I want to encourage you to do, is set some standards as to how you are treated. YOU are the one who teaches a person how to treat you. He is not respecting you because you have taught him not to respect you. YOU have taught him that he pretty much can do what he wants, treat you however he wants and you will always be there, over-giving and professing your love for him. That is not YOU respecting yourself, so how can you expect him to respect you when you are okay with his behavior? Does this make sense?
There is A LOT to talk about here, so let’s take some time with this and really break things down.
Heidi
OMG OMG OMG!!!! This is incredibly exciting! I’m jumping up and down for you!!!! It sounds like there is a lot of potential here!!! Does this mean you would get to go home and work locally??? Omg…that would be AMAZING!!!! How is the pay? I suppose it would depend on what kind of job you would have with them. So what’s the next step?
Heidi
Hi Teairrah,
Welcome! Thank you for being here and trusting us with your story and challenge. I know how confusing it can be when they say 1 thing and then do another. What age are you guys? My guess is, closer to early 20s because he is training for football.
I’m wondering…the way you describe things, it sounds like you were quite unhappy. It sounds like his focus was on other things and not you and you really struggled with that. Would you say this is accurate? Tell me why you want to get him back. The relationship sounds quite hard, despite how you feel about him. What makes you want to get back into it?
Have you really looked at different ways to communicate your needs with him? Complaining and getting angry with him being late etc. can start to get really exhausting for the receiver, so have you worked through on how you can relate to him differently? He is who he is. That means football and working out may be more important than hanging out with you. Is that okay? Is that something you can accept about where he is currently at in his life?
I’m not sure you both are on the same page and it feels like there are a lot of confusing feelings floating around. How do you feel about having a conversation with him about where things are at, what you both want and don’t want and then make a decision at that point on how to move forward? It doesn’t sound like he is the best communicator, so this may be something you need to initiate.
Are you clear about what you want and need from him for you to feel happy in this relationship?
Heidi
I hope you are able to get a pitcher! The water definitely might be the source. I would add lemons to all the water you drinking. It kills a lot of unwanted things in water and is very cleansing at well. Maybe give that a shot for right now until you can get a pitcher. You want to make sure you stay hydrated. Or you can boil a ton of water and then put it in a water pitcher in the fridge.
I’m curious. What kinds of questions are you going to ask on this interview on Monday? What do you know about this company? How did you find them? Do you know their reputation?
If you quit your current job, are there any penalties? I know you signed a contract, but not sure what happens if you leave early.
Heidi
I’m glad you are feeling better and recovering. Do you have any idea what you ate? Or is it possible you were sick? Sooooo awful!
Good luck in the interview. Excited to hear about what happens for you.
I have a friend who lives in China. He teaches English there at a prestigious University. He travels a TON and even as we speak, he is exploring some remote villages in China, since he can’t really leave right now due to Covid. I asked him about people not speaking English and he said he just uses an app to translate for him. He speaks English into the app and then it speaks out loud in their language and then they will understand and be able to help and they will speak into his app as well. He said it’s enough to get him around and get what he needs and it works. I’m amazed at how comfortable he is just doing that. I suppose it helps being a man and it helps that he is used to doing that so he isn’t so afraid. I would be scared too, but I’m proud of you for stepping into it! You are exposing yourself to things that you will most likely never do again and things like that change you. What are you plans when you get there? How long are you staying? You said you MIGHT be able to go. What would stop you?
Heidi
Man, you ask some really wonderful questions! You are quite brave and courageous to ask these questions. Do you know how strong you are??
so how can I find a healthy definition for me? I think that place to start is by asking yourself this question: Is it loving to me, to love this person? If YOU are the caretaker of your heart, and the health and vitality of your heart is solely dependent on what you source it with, then what would you feed it? It starts with you and how you treat it. Are you hard on yourself? Judgemental? Critical? Do you ignore it? Do you over-indulge? Do you abandon yourself? The true sign of a person’s character and how they value themselves is how they talk to themselves and treat themselves on a daily basis and MOST OF ALL, how they treat themselves under stress. What you say and do to yourself then becomes the standard that you will require from a partner. If you are used to being extremely critical of yourself, then you will accept a criticizing partner. If you are judgemental and push yourself a lot, then you will accept that from a partner. Would you say these kinds of qualities are a reflection of love? You treat others how to treat you. I, of course, am not perfect at self-talk, but in general, I have high self-esteem and self-trust in most areas of my life. There are areas where I still struggle and that’s just part of life and will always be there. But my high self-esteem far outweighs my low self-esteem therefore, I have very high standards as to how I am treated, even in the worst moments. Does this help give you some guidance?
I find it difficult in the beginning of a relationship to continue to pursue my own things, because it is just so exciting and one wants to spend every minute with the other person. I will try to be more conscious about that though. I totally understand. Since you know this about yourself, it’s important to set yourself up for success by creating a plan for yourself. What can you do to support yourself in slowing down when you first meet someone you like? Also, it’s important to understand why you do this. Part of it is probably your personality, but I’m guessing some of it comes from a wounded place that tends to rush into something that feels so good in the moment. That would be something to explore. What’s the need to rush and envelope yourself in someone’s energy that you barely know? Usually rushing things is a sign of trauma energy or unresolved feelings from the past. Something to explore within yourself. Thoughts?
Do you have suggestions on how to handle this? Also, I never dated distance if it even gets that far. How do I keep this healthy for me and start the relationship off right, should it be right, so this guy doesn’t dump me after 3 months? Yes, you have a lot of work to do on clearing your baggage. It’s okay! You are in process and still learning a lot. Maybe that is something you can discuss with your therapist? It’s hard for me to say whether you should stay away from dating right now and just focus on yourself (which maybe feels like the best approach – just from the little that you have shared), but YOU get to decide what is best for you. Only YOU know what feels right for you. Isn’t it interesting that you say “So this guy doesn’t dump me after 3 months?” Just observe this mindset that you are carrying around. It’s the flavor of the victim. It’s saying everything is your fault and you want to start things off “right” this time around. Your perspective is quite small and the magnifying glass is only on you. Whose to say that anything you have “messed up” wasn’t EXACTLY what needed to happen to save you tons of time and energy with a guy who wasn’t a good fit for you? There are always sooooooo many dynamics to a situation that you NEVER see, so to put all the focus on you, as if you were the problem somehow and you were the reason you got dumped, that’s a very reductionist view of any situation, don’t you think?
I guess eventually I will want to move on and I am kind of scared. This is what makes you NOT ready to invite another guy into your life. You are not resolved. You are not solid and peaceful and clear about your life, about this last guy, about love. So maybe it’s best you get to that space before trying to bring someone new into the mix. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for more drama. It’s like breaking a leg and then trying to get back to playing soccer before it’s fully healed. There are consequences to that choice. Thoughts?
Heidi
You did right a lot! I’m glad. I hope you go back and read it a few times. It’s always a good thing to reflect on words that you have written. I’m curious…if this were your girlfriend talking about her boyfriend, what advice would you give her?
So, in terms of marriage and kids, we’re pretty much on the same page. If I understand correctly, you both have decided that you don’t trust “marriage” (which basically means you don’t trust love). There is nothing wrong with not wanting to get married or not needing a ceremony, but when you decide NOT to do something because of someone else’s (your parents) results, then you are making that decision from a place of wounded energy vs. a clear, authentic mindset. Plenty of people have failed marriages, so does that mean you should avoid it? If I told you how to set yourself up for a successful marriage that has the potential to last a very long time, would you feel like it’s worth a shot? You both have had very poor role modeling. In fact, it’s a rare person who hasn’t. Learn from it. Embrace it. Transform it. Create something new and different because of it. That’s empowerment, right? Love, marriage, relationship….it’s all what YOU make of it and who you choose to take that journey with.
One thing to consider…it’s not the best parts that make a relationship last, it’s actually the worst parts. It’s the worst side of each person in the couple that will make or break a relationship. So when looking for a partner to offer your heart to, you need to REALLY consider who they are in their worst and decide if they are someone you can feel emotionally safe with and go through challenges with. So I always tell people to look at the very worst of the person they are dating and ask this question….can I love and respect this part of them? If the answer is a no, not sure, maybe, or even I don’t know…then you are already on the path to a breakup. You also need to ask yourself the same question. It’s in the worst moments where the foundation of trust and emotional safety are established, so if you do not respect how your person handles the stressors in their life and the relationship, then you have a looooong road ahead of you. John Gottman did the largest study in existence on couples and what makes them last or not last. There were 4 components involved and one of those components that made a relationship not only last, but stay vibrant and nourishing even beyond the 20 years mark…they were respectful towards each other when stressed. No name calling, no ghosting or stonewalling, no criticizing…they honored and respected each other through the process of challenge. Now it’s not to say that if name calling exists in a relationship, that it couldn’t shift or change, but both people would need to work together to change how they relate to each other.
The thin about your guy is, he isn’t REALLY facing his issues. He isn’t REALLY taking responsibility for his own reactions and nor is he doing anything about them. You guys kept having the same arguments. You’d say something, he would turn and twist it around, he would hold onto those moments and not forgive and release the hurt and then bring everything up again later on. That is someone is NOT actually working through anything, but instead burying them. When someone does that, it sabotages emotional intimacy. He is holding onto those “infractions” and keeping you at a distance, without him really knowing he is doing it…until it all gets triggered again by something else you confront him on. So in reality, no matter how amazing he is and how wonderful you felt with him, he is NOT a partner you can trust when things go awry. He isn’t being honest, he isn’t really listening, he isn’t taking responsibility for himself IN THE MOMENT and he doesn’t forgive and release – but instead holds things against you. I know you have your part of the equation as well, but in the end, is this the kind of pattern you want to deal with for the rest of your life? It only gets worse as someone ages so imagine this pattern 100x worse than it is right now. Do you really think that’s a formula for a happy relationship???
Part of me thinks he just got supper defensive and responded in an immature and insecure way. I’m not sure he’s ever been in a serious relationship before. It doesn’t matter why he responded in the way he did. It matters that it’s who he is. You either step in and love this part of him and accept it WITHOUT needing him to change, or you let him go and require something more from a partner. But you also want to take a look at yourself. Do you respect how you handle stress? Do you respect how you communicated with him? Do you respect yourself and honor yourself and love yourself when you are really stressed? Is it acceptable, safe and loveable for someone to give you their heart, even in YOUR worst moments?
Heidi
Ooooohhhh noooo! What happened?? That’s so awful. I’m glad you can reschedule the bird watching portion. Hopefully, the horse people will be forgiving as well. It’s so awful to be sick and not at home. It sounds like you were eventually able to stabilize. It’s a good way to cleanse, right? lol.
My weekend was good. TONS of dog sitting for the summer months, so definitely out and about A LOT! So far so good!
Heidi
