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Hi Allison!
It sounds like you really like this guy! How are things when you are together? Does he communicate with you a lot about how he feels? Is he affectionate? Does he talk about any future stuff with you? Do you feel completely safe and comfortable being who you are? Do you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with him?
If you are building a relationship, it’s important to have good communication. It sounds like that is a struggle for him. Disappearing for long bouts of time makes it very difficult. It sounds like he wants to be close but also keep you at a distance. You have to decide what is okay for you. Before making any decisions, have you talked to him about why he disappears? Does he know how that makes you feel? Maybe he would be willing to put more effort in and even say something like, “Hey….I need to disappear for bit. I have some things to work through, but know I am not disappearing because of you. I will be back.” Do you feel you would be okay with him saying that to you?
He is doing what he wants to get his needs met, but not considering how it affects you and that is where the challenge occurs. So maybe if you understand more what and why he is making that choice, it will help you feel more comfortable to give him that space without questioning his feelings for you. You could say something like, “I really enjoy you and want to keep getting to know you. I feel you are worth it. It is hard for me when you disappear without a word. It causes me to question how you feel about me and maybe you disappearing has nothing to do with me. I don’t know. Would you mind sharing with me why you disappear like that? I think it will help me feel more solidarity with us if you teach me about what you are doing. I want to support you. I also need some support and little help to deal with side of you.”
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Beverly,
I’m not sure if your message got cut off or if that is all you meant to say. What is your question? Feel free to give as much detail as you can.
Heidi
Hi Jovanna!
You have some good insights!
As far as parenting and you worrying about her “working” you as well, that is completely in YOUR control, through yourself….not her. The only way she can “work” you…or anyone for that matter…is if the person she is trying to get to do what she is wants, is uncomfortable with her needs not being met. As long as you are okay with her discomfort, her anger, her disappointment…as long as you know those ALSO are important emotions for her to feel and work through with you….then you are all good! When a child is spoiled, it’s because the parent is the one uncomfortable with their child’s disappointment, anger etc. The hardest part about this particular topic is figuring out when it’s healthy and okay for them to be disappointed and when it is okay for you to rescue them. And you will mess up many times…forever! Haha!! It’s just the reality of being a parent. What will imprint on her most is that you are solid, always there for her, forgiving of yourself and your limitations as well as hers….and that no matter what…even with all the mess….you love her and will work through it all with her. So just relax and trust that even if you do get it wrong sometimes…oh well! She will be okay and you will teach her how to be okay.
AND YESSSS!!!! Get out of his way! Let him delight and enjoy doing those things for you! It brings him pleasure and activates his “hero” instinct…even with something as little as opening the car door. He is showing you, each time, that he is aware of you, respects you and desires to make your life easier…which in turn makes his life easier 🙂 I dated a guy for 3 years in college and I will never forget, that even when we were arguing, he always opened the door for me. And each time, it softened me….I was able to receive his thoughtfulness and that always shifted his mood as well. So your ability to receive is important for him.
And you know what??? I have not had that experience AT ALL about a man feeling trapped by “obsessing” over him. It is all in the delivery. HOW a woman does stuff like that for a man can determine how he feels. At this point, you both are on the same exact page. You have similar parenting style, you have a similar pace, you both are good communicators! Feel free to dote on a him a bit….try it out! Tying his shoes is awesome! That’s all it needs to be….just tiny little things to make a moment a bit easier for him. If he feels trapped from those type of gestures, then there is something underlying and much deeper going on.
Share with us some of things you end up doing for him!
Heidi
Hi Julie!
I’m glad he is so responsive! I’m also glad you know that about yourself and making up negative stories. There are a lot of reasons why we do silly things like that. The best thing you can do is gather more info. before making up a story. We make stories up because there are a lot of holes in the information we do have. So get the information and fill in the blanks with the facts, that way your story is accurate.
Here is a GREAT person to learn from about this particular topic. She actually wrote a book about it. I haven’t read it yet, but it is on my list for sure!
Also, why not start to add some flirting? Start to put the vibes out there that you are interested. Give it a few months to build while he is in the busy season and to also maybe recover from whatever just happened. He may be hurting which causes people to withdraw a lot of times. So definitely keep up the friendship side of things, but throw in some flirting here and there. Do you understand how to do that?
Heidi
Hi Julie!
It seems this guy has taken you through a bit of a rollercoaster. First, DO NOT FEEL BAD that you said no so many times. It is ABSOLUTELY crucial that you feel ready and safe to meet someone. Besides, if you did meet with him, you would have felt even worse when you found out he was still with the other lady.
I agree that there is something off here. I personally would just flat out ask him instead of playing the guessing game. You don’t really know his status until you hear from him.
I would say something to the effect of: “Hey…I heard that you are single now. Is that true? I know we haven’t talked much personal stuff in awhile, but something feels a bit off. You seem more distant. Is everything okay?”
Keep it short and simple and let him take the lead. You open the door by letting him know you care, then see what he does with that. That’s just a place to start.
How do you feel about that response?
Heidi
Hi Maja,
I would say that you do not need to make a decision exactly at this moment. This really is up to you Maja. Everyone has different tolerance. I personally would have skipped out a long time ago, but that is not something you are ready to do at the moment. It sounds like you need to gather more information before you decide to really let go.
See what kind of effort he makes with you now that he is home. Does he spend time with you? Does he give you attention? Does he talk to you about what he wants? Does he ask you what your needs are? If not….then I would say you have your answer. You have a guy who doesn’t know what he wants but also does not care enough about you or your boys to become better for you his family.
You want to do the hero thing with him in hopes that it will help him see that you are a good woman and for him to come back to you. Your husband has a lot of challenges to face. Even if you did the hero thing and he did come back….like I said before, he is STILL THE SAME GUY! He is still the guy who will go off for 2 months with another woman and not care how it affects you or the boys. He is still the same guy that doesn’t ask about what you need. He is still that guy who wants sex all the time without putting in the effort to care about you the way you need.
The only way that any of that will change is through HIM….he has to WANT to be different. He has to want to change because he doesn’t like how he feels. He has to want to do the work WITH you to improve the marriage.
So maybe that is where you sit down and have a conversation with him to see what he is willing to do. Let him know that you want to work on the marriage and be better for him and your boys and that you need him to do the same. Would he be willing to read through a book with you? Maybe do a weekend workshop for married couples? Would he be willing to see a 3rd person like a therapist or coach to help teach you guys how to be better together? If he is not willing to take any ACTION to improve his side of things, then you will just fall into the same patterns as before. YOU can still continue to improve yourself though. You can learn to communicate better, set boundaries, forgive, respect yourself and accept that your husband is who he is….either you take him for who he is and honor that and love that….or you realize you love him, but love is not enough for you to stay in a marriage that hurts your heart.
What do you feel about all of this?
Heidi
Hi Jovana!!!
I love how aware you are! I love how caring you are! I love how much you really want your daughter and him to be the best selves they possibly can be and you will do anything to support that!
Your question has a flavor of fear in it. You are afraid of losing him and you want to do everything you can to avoid that. I sure don’t blame you and it is a VERY natural fear….especially considering your last experience.
I want to encourage you to trust him. Trust his process. Trust that he knows how to take care of himself. If he DOES get burned out, it will be his responsibility to communicate that and work with you on how to get your needs met. And so far, he showing up to be the kind of guy that will talk with you about that instead of bail. You can always just ask him. “Hey…are you doing okay with us? Do you feel like you are getting burned out at all?”
What you can do to help him NOT get burned out is making sure you are appreciating him, doing lots of little things for him like getting him his coffee, giving foot rubs, get him a massage somewhere, leave little love notes in places he will find them and be surprised….any type of gesture that appreciates him and makes him feel desired and valued is the most powerful soul food you could give him. I imagine you are already doing that kind of stuff.
I also want to encourage you to not give too much authority to what that woman said. I have no doubt you know this, but I just want to remind you. Everyone has their own perspective. If your daughter is “working” your guy, I think that is WONDERFUL!!! She is learning how to get her needs met and that is an important skill to develop right? AND….he is letting himself be “worked.” He is giving her the experience of success. That will only help her feel more confident. For her to have a male in her life who is responsive, connective, loving and playful….man!!! She is one lucky gal! You have chosen well with him!!!
Does this help?
P.s. I looooooove your updates! It’s such a positive, healthy and wonderful experience you and him are designing. We need more of this in the world! People need to see it’s possible and you showing them that!
Heidi
Hi Elle!
Thank you for the update. It sounds like you are getting more clear about what you are needing from him. You need him to make more effort and show you through ACTION that he does care about you.
I’m not sure testing him with the parents is going to be the most clear answer for you. You guys are not even allowed to be public with your relationship at this point and there is still a lot of confusion about how he feels about you. He is not very open with you about how he feels. Taking you to meet his parents may be a super major thing for him. He may not be ready to admit to his feelings on that level. I don’t know….everyone is different about the whole “meeting the parents” kind of thing. I just wouldn’t put too much weight on that decision. Besides, he may not even like his parents very much or wants to keep things peaceful while they are here. If he introduces you to them, that means it may open the door for a TON of questions by his parents that he is not ready to answer. Who knows! There are so many variables about something like that, which makes it an iffy kind of test result for you.
I’m glad to hear some of the pressure will be less in about a month. That is great news! Hopefully! It may help you guys feel more free to express feelings.
I think it’s a good idea to pull back a bit. Let him make more effort. Give him the space to initiate and then feel your response to him. AND….you might need to use a lot of your intuition with that as well. Sometimes, with people who don’t open up very well, if they feel any kind of change where the other person is pulling back, it can trigger their survival response to pull back themselves and begin to disconnect permanently. Another option that may work as well is to communicate what you are doing with him. I have done this before and was quite successful a handful of times. I would say something to the effect of, “I’m gonna put the breaks on a bit. I care for you so much and I want to be with you and get to know you and am so curious about who you are. It’s starting to feel like I may be moving a bit faster than what you are ready for and I want to honor where you are at and want you to feel comfortable with the direction we are going. So I’m gonna pull back and let you set the pace. That means I will not initiate as much. That means I will not be sharing my feelings as openly. That means you will need to initiate more if you want more. This is not a bad thing. This is me taking up less space so you can fill up more space if you want to. If you don’t want to, that’s okay too. I’m okay with whatever you need.” Then give him space. If, after some time, you see that he is participating very little in creating your relationship, then you have the information you need and you have a decision to make. If he does participate more, then great!!!!
Now….during this time where you pull back some, make sure when you ARE together, that you give him compliments, appreciate him, find “hero” kinds of things you can ask him for. (read Irresistible Communication) It will help him feel secure about you pulling away. He will still feel your strong feelings for him. He will still feel desired by you, which is VERY important for him to feel while you are pulling your energy away.
Does this make sense??
And lastly, I want to say that I am proud of you. You have a big fear of letting someone into your world on a deeper level and you are facing that with this guy. My hope is, if it does not head in the direction that you want, that you won’t scare you back into putting your walls back up. The hardest part about facing a fear and being vulnerable on new levels, is to find someone we can do that with that is safe, responsive, caring and honoring of our fear. This guy may not be that guy because he has the same exact fears as you do. I don’t know. He needs to be willing to face his fears at the same time as well.
What I would love to hear from you is a few different ways you can activate his “hero” instinct, some potential compliments you can offer him that will give him a feel good boost and what you feel comfortable doing with him. Do you want to talk to him and let him know you are going to pull back a bit and why? Or do you feel more comfortable just pulling back and watching what he does?
I think either way could work. It depends on what you feel most comfortable with. Either way, you need to gather more info. about him and how he responds when you pull back a little.
Keep us updated!!!
Heidi
Hi Daniela!
I’m so glad he connected and that you guys talked for a bit. Now it is time for you to pull back your energy. Do not text him. Disappear. If you are too available and ALWAYS the one initiating, he never has to put any effort in. He can sit back and relax and know that you will always contact him. The ball is in his court now. He needs to feel your absence in order to have the desire to re-connect.
Have some patience. Something like this takes time. AND to be honest, he really may just want to focus on school and not have any other type of distractions right now. If he does not reach out to you AT ALL over the next few weeks, then I personally would consider moving on. I want a guy who fights for me, misses me, makes effort to connect with me without me constantly having to “do” something to pull it from him. You deserve that kind of guy! But you are not there yet. For right now, stay away and see if he contacts you at all. Even just chatting is a good thing, but make sure HE is the one who initiates. You have put forth enough effort. Now it’s his turn.
Heidi
Hi Maja!
It sounds like you are connecting to a great part of yourself! Respecting yourself first is so important! You cannot expect anyone to respect you or love you until you respect and love yourself.
I want to invite you to spend this time apart while he if figuring out what he wants, to really get clear about what you need. Not with just general concepts like, “I need more attention.” It’s important that you get VERY specific and have concrete examples. If you end up sitting down with your husband to talk about how to move forward TOGETHER…men respond much better to VERY SPECIFIC examples of how they can be a better partner. So maybe make a list of what you need from him. When you sit down together, maybe go over only 1 or 2 things that are the most important for you. If you ask for a lot, usually they deliver a little. You want him to feel like a hero by helping him be successful. So pick 1 or 2 things you need from him, then each time he accomplishes it, praise him, appreciate him, make him feel like the best man ever! That will encourage to want to do more for you because it feels good!
A book I HIGHLY suggest you read is by Dr. John Gottman “The Man’s Guide to Women.” It was a book written for men, but as a woman, I found it HIGHLY useful and helpful in understanding what I needed most. Interestingly enough, Dr. Gottman discovered that a man is the one who holds the most power in whether a relationship will last or not. If a man is present, connective and listens well, the odds of the relationship lasting a long time, and happily….are very high. Just the opposite is true as well. If a man is NOT very good at listening and being connective, the odds of the relationship lasting are extremely low. So basically, if the guy can learn how to be a good husband, by following the basic principles in the book, the relationship will drastically improve!
Maybe after reading that book, you can be much more clear about what you need and then explain it to your husband in a more clear way. The more clear you are, the easier it will be for him to understand.
Also remember to provide your husband with the same opportunity to ask for his needs as well. I always like to ask in return, “How can I be a better partner for you?” So we BOTH pick 1 or 2 things we really want to work on for each other and then we set up another dinner date in a few months so we can check in and see how each other is feeling about the past few months and the changes made.
You both have a lot going on. It will take awhile to heal and to figure out new ways to interact with each other that are more healthy. As long as you both are willing to lay it all out on the line and choose to love each other through the challenges and limitations, there is a possibility for healing.
If he is not willing to go down that path with you, then despite how much you love, you know that you don’t have a good partner and it will be time to re-design your life.
And Maja, if he doesn’t choose you, remember to stay very connected to yourself and love yourself A LOT through it. It will be hard. You love him and it will hurt to not be fought for. If that does end up happening, write back to us and we can help give you some ideas about how to get through something like that.
I hope for the best though!!!
Heidi
Okay! That’s great!
what do you think about the idea of inviting him out for dinner to a romantic place. Put on something that makes you feel sexy and turn up the heat. Flirt, compliment and make him feel like the most desirable man on the face of the earth. Maybe have only 1 glass of wine to help you relax a bit.
Is that something you feel comfortable doing? Do you feel like he would respond?
Heidi
That’s interesting. If it felt like a big deal to him to NOT have sex with you, then that is telling me that he does have sexual feelings for you. So him saying he just feels like you guys are not compatible in that department, seems a little off.
I’m a bit suspicious….it feels like there is just something he is not telling you. If his issue truly was not enough sex, then if you worked on that, I would imagine it would make him really happy! But once you offered, he pulled back and came up with another excuse.
I am wondering if he met someone else. I can’t imagine his friend would talk him out of being with you. Maybe his friend had a lady friend he wanted to introduce him to.
Either way, my point is, it feels like there are some mixed messages here. Do YOU feel like you guys were sexually compatible? I mean, would he compliment you, tell you how amazing the sex was, show any kind of sign that he really liked having sex with you?
Here is the thing….if he liked having sex with you, I think getting him back would be an easier thing to accomplish with a little flirting, initiation, “hero” concept and some sexy lingerie.
But if he is either interested in someone else OR just does not have sexual interest in you, then it would be time for you to let go. Neither of those things would be healthy for you to pursue. If he just doesn’t feel sexual towards you, then I would suggest to invest your energy with a guy where it is effortless! Relationships have so many kinks to work out that the sexual connection part needs to be easier. If he is interested in another girl, it would be up to you if you feel like you want to compete against her and try and win him back. That’s a pretty tough road to travel.
Out of curiosity, what does your gut tell you?
Heidi
I wonder if you initiated and turned up the flirting, if he would respond to that. He is saying he just doesn’t feel sexual towards you…can you see that? Looking back, can you see that with how he had sex with you?
I guess I’m looking for some signs to support what he is saying.
Sorry for so many questions. Trying to know how to best guide you here. Just need a little more info.
Heidi
Okay….I don’t know that I would give him that much time to “think.” The issue here is, he does not feel sexual towards you. Time will not change any of that. The only way to change that is for him to be around you and you turn up the volume on flirting and sexual energy.
So I ask again, do you feel sexual towards him? What is stopping you from flirting with him IN PERSON? Do you know what is making you uncomfortable being affectionate and sexual with him? Out of curiosity, has this been a problem in the past?
Heidi
Hi Maja!
It sounds like there are a lot of dynamics happening and something changed. I understand that you have made mistakes in the marriage. I do want to encourage you to also hold him accountable for his side of things. YOU did not create this other woman. HE DID. In marriage, EVERYONE messes up! That is normal, but for him to choose to leave and find another woman is HIS choice of how he wants to handle his unhappiness. You were unhappy and your choice was to become cold. He was unhappy and his choice was to cheat.
But again, I want to emphasize that as much as you are sorry for your mistakes, if he is not sorry for HIS mistakes, you will just end up being in the same pattern again. He will still have a big ego, he will still think he is smarter than you, he will still want sex 2-3x a day and not ask about your needs. Make sure that you are very clear that you can change as much as you want, but you need 2 people to see their errors and work on them TOGETHER. One person cannot do it all. It will fall apart again. I understand you love him and want him back. I wish love were enough. Your relationship with him is not built on respect and that is a big challenge. Have you also read “What men secretly want?” It talks about the respect principle in that. It may help you understand better.
I would also agree with you to NOT call him when he returns. Let him feel your absence. Let him miss you. If you are too easy, he will not feel like he is missing anything. That again leads back to the respect principle. Playing hard to get can be a healthy thing sometimes. You are spending all of your time thinking about how you can get him back and he is spending all of his time thinking, which woman do I want?
Do some reading and get back to us with more questions!!!
