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Okay….I don’t know that I would give him that much time to “think.” The issue here is, he does not feel sexual towards you. Time will not change any of that. The only way to change that is for him to be around you and you turn up the volume on flirting and sexual energy.
So I ask again, do you feel sexual towards him? What is stopping you from flirting with him IN PERSON? Do you know what is making you uncomfortable being affectionate and sexual with him? Out of curiosity, has this been a problem in the past?
Heidi
Hi Maja!
It sounds like there are a lot of dynamics happening and something changed. I understand that you have made mistakes in the marriage. I do want to encourage you to also hold him accountable for his side of things. YOU did not create this other woman. HE DID. In marriage, EVERYONE messes up! That is normal, but for him to choose to leave and find another woman is HIS choice of how he wants to handle his unhappiness. You were unhappy and your choice was to become cold. He was unhappy and his choice was to cheat.
But again, I want to emphasize that as much as you are sorry for your mistakes, if he is not sorry for HIS mistakes, you will just end up being in the same pattern again. He will still have a big ego, he will still think he is smarter than you, he will still want sex 2-3x a day and not ask about your needs. Make sure that you are very clear that you can change as much as you want, but you need 2 people to see their errors and work on them TOGETHER. One person cannot do it all. It will fall apart again. I understand you love him and want him back. I wish love were enough. Your relationship with him is not built on respect and that is a big challenge. Have you also read “What men secretly want?” It talks about the respect principle in that. It may help you understand better.
I would also agree with you to NOT call him when he returns. Let him feel your absence. Let him miss you. If you are too easy, he will not feel like he is missing anything. That again leads back to the respect principle. Playing hard to get can be a healthy thing sometimes. You are spending all of your time thinking about how you can get him back and he is spending all of his time thinking, which woman do I want?
Do some reading and get back to us with more questions!!!
Hi Andrea!
Wow! I’m sorry to hear this. It’s amazing to have a best friend, but you definitely have to be sexually connected in order to be romantic partners. From what you are saying, it sounds like he just does not have that for you.
Some questions I would ask him would be, 1. Did you ever feel sexually compatible with me? 2. If you did, what changed?
If he never felt compatible, even from the very beginning, it is either just not there for him and nothing you do will make a difference or you don’t put off a very strong sexual, feminine energy.
Do you flirt with him? Do you wear clothes that show off your body? (not necessarily skin, but clothes that show off your feminine) Do you feel sexual towards him?
Have you read “Irresistible Communication?”
Heidi
Hi Maja!
I am curious….do you know why he is seeing another woman? Even if you do get him back, who is to say that he won’t do this again? Is this the first time he has done this?
If you can understand what is missing in the relationship that makes him want to look elsewhere, then when you do get him back, you guys can work on those areas so that he does not get his needs met elsewhere again.
Hi choices make me very sad. He is teaching his boys that it is okay to run from problems and have 2 women at the same time….he is losing contact with his sons and he is off on vacation with another women trying to decide if he feels like being a father and husband to you. I hope something changes for the better!
Heidi
Hi Andrea!
You have a very good question and some good points! I find it interesting that he is complaining about you not being affectionate or intimate enough, yet he ends the relationship over text. Hmmmmm…..his choice was not very intimate or connective nor honoring the “best friends” type of relationship.
I have a few questions….did he do this out of the blue? Has he ever mentioned this issue to you before? Do you completely agree with him? He says he lost his feelings for you….do you have any idea when that may have started? Notice any pattern changes etc.? When you told him you would work on getting better in those areas, what did he say? Did he initiate sex frequently and you would say no?
I’m not sure if this is a lost cause. Having a little more information will help us better guide you through this.
Heidi
Hi Jackie,
I just wanted to check in. How are you doing? Have you had any success in meeting new people? Has that guy respected your boundary?
Hope to hear from you soon. We would love an update!!!
Heidi
Hi Elisabeth!
How are you doing??? I am so curious how you are feeling, how your retreat went and where you are at in your healing process. Any new developments?
Hope to hear from you soon!
Heidi
Hi Urietha!
Give us an update! Have you had a conversation with him or did you decide you would like to wait this out?
We would love to hear any more thoughts you have about this. Hope to hear from you soon!Heidi
Hi Houda,
We haven’t heard back from you. What is happening? Is anything resolving itself? How are you doing?
We would love to hear back from you!Heidi
Hi Elle!
We would love to hear back from you! Any thoughts about what I said? Any new developments? Did you decide anything?
Hope to hear back 🙂
Heidi
Hi Ya C!
How are you doing??? Are you still feeling better and that you are able to let him go? Keep us updated!
Hope to hear from you soon!Heidi
Hi Daniela!
How did the birthday go? Did you do anything for him? Is he responding?
Keep us updated! We want to know what happened!
Hi Lilly,
There is a lot going on here and I am really glad you are reaching out. You have some great questions!
I first want to say that I don’t a person alive who isn’t afraid of intimacy. It is a scary thing for simple fact that there is a risk of being hurt. The difference between you, me and the next person, is how much we let that fear design and control our lives. For some, the fear is SO big that how they participate in relationships is controlled by that fear. Others have the fear and it is not as big, so they are able to be much more authentic…even though they still do have fear, they have control over the fear vs. the fear having control over them.
From what you are saying, it sounds like the fear has control over you. You ask, “What do I need to do to make sure I don’t get hurt or hurt him?” That is impossible. You both are bonding with each other sexually, building memories together and growing a little closer each day. How do you NOT get hurt when and if you disconnect? It will feel exactly like a breakup.
You are saying that you desire a deeper connection with him, yet he is not willing to go there. What is already happening is that you are bonding with him and growing more and more attached to a guy that doesn’t want to attach. I know you are afraid of intimacy, but you also want intimacy. Reality is, this guy is pulling at your heart strings. If you didn’t really like this guy, THEN I would agree that you could do the open relationship kind of thing, but that is not the case here.
Did you know that the first 7 years you have sex with a man, your body is releasing oxytocin every time you have sex with him? That hormone is a BONDING hormone. It’s part of the reason why us ladies can experience sexual intimacy on a much deeper level than a man. You are bonding with him and want to be exclusive with him, yet you are not requiring that because you are afraid of losing him. You are letting HIM get his needs met at the expense of your own. You are allowing yourself to bond with a man who also wants to spend time with other women. Your concern is more about how to keep his attention vs. how to take care of and protect the most valuable part of who you are….your heart. Are you willing to get your heart all wrapped around a guy who is emotionally unavailable? Who will always be looking for other experiences outside of being with you? Who will be bonding, flirting, spending time with other women when he is not with you? It does not sound like that is what you want, yet you are choosing it anyways.
Maybe you should be asking instead: Why am I choosing this when this is not really what I want? What is stopping you from fighting for what you really want?
This is what I want you to really think about to start. Don’t worry about the children part or where your life is going right now. You need to face your fear of intimacy FIRST before even heading down that path.
Check this out and let me know what you think:
Let’s just start with that and then get back to us!
Heidi
Oh wow! You are feeling better! That is wonderful to hear! Share with us what is helping you to feel better….I’m curious!
I would agree that emotionally unavailable men would also fit into the avoidant attachment style.
Heidi
Hi Daniela,
That’s a GREAT idea! That way he can share the brownies with the other people in his group and maybe you can even mention that. You can actually put some thought into things that help him study and make a care package:
There are essential oils that can help someone focus. You could look up certain foods that help mental acuity or foods that help keep the energy high, you could get him a soft gel type cushion for him to sit on to make it more comfortable, you can maybe find some tea that will help with staying up all night, there are microwaveable neck wraps that are good for soothing muscles….you get the idea! Get creative and have fun with it! Then get him a card that is funny and will make him laugh!
You could say something like….”I am remembering you on your birthday because you have impacted my life and I want to celebrate that. The brownies are for pure pleasure on your birthday as everyone deserves that…the cushion is for your amazing bootie to sit on during those long hours of studying….gotta take care of that! The berries are supposed to help mental acuity, the tea is a healthy way to stay up all night and the wrap you can heat up in the microwave and put around your shoulders to help your muscles relax more after sitting in a chair for hours. I would also like to extend and invitation for a night out. If you have a night where you just want to have some fun, I have a few ideas of a fun way to celebrate your birthday. Let me know if you are interested. If not, know that I am still sending you some good vibes either way!”
You can find that report if you go into “Jame’s Library” at the top of this page.
What do you think?
Heidi
