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Hi Allison,
It is soooo hard that he doesn’t have a phone. It’s so funny, because it was not that long ago that cell phones didn’t exist. We have adapted into a society where being in constant contact is VERY EASY and for the most part expected. I know a few people who do not have cell phones. They just don’t want to be connected that way. It’s hard, but it is who they are and the rest of us just deal with it.
What does it mean that he helps people? What exactly does he do to help them that would make him need to disappear for awhile?
You have expressed how it makes you feel when he disappears. What did he say when you told him?
Yes…being single for 10 years is a SUPER challenge and adjustment when entering back into a relationship. It may take him awhile to adjust.
Casually asking him about what happens when he disappears can be a good place to start. Something like, “Listen….I love being around you and feel sooo amazing when we get to hang out. You disappear for bouts at a time and like I have said before, I struggle with that. One moment we are connecting and the next moment you are gone without a word and I have no idea when or even if you are coming back. I am not asking for you to change your schedule or time, but what I am asking for is a little help with something I struggle with. It will help me if you even just call me and say, hey….I’m gonna be out for awhile, but I’ll be back in a few weeks. Or if you call and say, I need some space for 3 weeks. Looking forward to seeing you then! Or maybe it will help if I understand why you disappear. I just need your help to feel better about this. I want to accept this part of you and your busy schedule. That’s not what is challenging for me. It’s the disappearing without a word that is challenging. Would you be willing to try something different with me?”
Do you feel comfortable saying something like that?
Heidi
Hi Melissa!
I am soooo sorry you had to deal with him again. I want you to understand something here. It’s NORMAL for you to get triggered! Anyone would be triggered. I have learned over the years that I will ALWAYS get triggered, but where I see myself getting more and more healthy is my ability to be resilient. Yes, as I get more healthy, certain triggers are not near as intense, BUT even with the really big triggers, I am able to be free of those intense emotions in a day vs. a week or a month. So NOT getting triggered is impossible, as you have already stated. It’s more about how quickly you are able to release your hurt feelings and find peace in forgiveness.
And I will sort of disagree with you about the avoidance thing…avoidance is absolutely crucial sometimes and is healthy. This is a silly example, but I think you will understand what I am trying to say. I know where I am sensitive and vulnerable to being triggered. I LOVE animals, so any movie that has ANY type of animal death, suffering or sad story, I WILL NOT WATCH. I get triggered and I know it, so I avoid it. I protect my happiness! I protect my heart! So avoidance is NOT a bandaid sometimes. Avoidance is SMART and a way for you to protect your heart.
Besides, when you get SLIMED like that, I don’t know a person alive who wouldn’t have some type of reaction to that. Even strangers who cut you off on the freeway and then flip you off….that affects the receiving person. It’s because there are some yucky vibes being thrown at you! I ALWAYS have to work with my emotions when someone slimes me…even if it’s a stranger. It feels gross and heavy, so some of what you are feeling is very normal. Do not expect yourself to be able to interact with someone THAT TOXIC and not feel gross every time. That would mean you are not human and you don’t have feelings…and that obviously is not true.
So what you do now is you choose forgiveness. Go get a packet of balloons you can blow up and a needle. Spend a minute thinking and feeling all the yucky crap that has been triggered. Feel it in your body and then pull out a balloon and blow it up. Then you take all those gross, heavy feelings and blow them out into the balloon. Then just hold the end tight with your fingers and say a little prayer like, “I choose to release these feelings. I choose to forgive myself, I choose to forgive him and I let this go.” Then pop the balloon! Sometimes I have had to do 4 or 5 balloons to feel the shift, but it’s been something that has worked really well for me. Give it a try. It may take a few different attempts, but you have got to fight for your emotional health. You are giving him soooo much power in your life! Take it back, forgive him, release him and do it over and over again until you feel like the grip of those intense emotions are letting go. Whatever he represents, he is just triggering stuff from your past. So maybe work on also letting go of past stuff as well. It’s time to fight for yourself again!
Keep talking with us….let me know your thoughts!
Hi Maja,
I want you to really consider that as much as he is a GREAT man, father and husband, he also is not. He has made your feelings insignificant, he left to be with another woman and completely disconnected himself as a husband and father and he is still trying to figure out what he wants. When you look at someone, see them for ALL of who they are, not just the good or just the bad. It feels like you are trying to help him become who he used to be. Reality is, who he used to be is gone. Who he is, is who he is RIGHT NOW and that is important for you to either accept or not accept.
The danger you are running into is hoping he will change. You have this belief that if he could only be the guy you knew way back when, everything will be okay again….and that just simply is not true. The person he is today IS who he is. He has always been this person, it just so happens that he is unhappy enough now, that this side of him is showing. So as much as you want to make him feel like a hero, it doesn’t change that this is who he is and how he handles being unhappy. The way he chooses to handle his emotional stress is to run away and disconnect. Helping him feel like a hero will not change that about him. It will help him feel good about himself, but that still does not change that when he is unhappy or emotionally uncomfortable enough, he will do what works for him….and for now, what works for him is to have another woman in his life.
It’s great that he is responding! If you want to keep putting in all the effort to make this work and try to win him back, doing the “hero” thing can help. I just don’t want you to think it will “changes” his deep, core unhappiness. That is HIS issue and not something you are responsible for. HE is responsible for that.
Here is an analogy you may understand: If I were to give you all the BEST ingredients to make the most amazing cake possible BUT included in those ingredients is 1 cup of poop, no matter what you do with all those ingredients, the cake will still taste terrible because there is 1 cup of poop in it. It may look beautiful, you may have made it with the purest, organic and best ingredients…but it doesn’t change that there is poop in the cake. So the hero concept is a wonderful ingredient to put into your cake, but the poop is still there. The hero instinct can help for sure, but it doesn’t change that there is still poop in the cake. So….your choice really is about either accepting that there is just going to be poop in this beautiful cake and NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, it will taste bad….OR you decide that you want a different experience. Accept that your husband is no longer who he used to be. You may know him deep down and you may know what his potential can be, but he is also showing you that he is NOT any of those things anymore.
Maybe it’s time for you to focus on what YOU need instead of trying to “fix” him. By taking care of yourself, you become a better mom, wife and person. When you are better, those around you are affected by that!
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Great! These details are much more helpful. I still cannot answer why he said those things and why he is acting the way he is. There is definitely some inconsistencies in his patterns though, which makes him hard to read. You said his pupils were dilated a lot. Maybe he is on some type of medication or drug that has that affect on him, therefore also affecting his behavior. Something to definitely pay attention to!
It sounds like you had a good time shopping and you are doing a great job putting the hints out there and providing him with the opportunity to hang out. It’s weird that he did not go to lunch with you though. The Las Vegas shooting is a pretty good excuse though.
Do you flirt with him at all? Keep dropping the hints that you are available to hang out. I absolutely love that you are waiting for him to ask you out and not taking things into your own hands! From what it sounds like, he may feel much more empowered if he gets to take the lead with you. So keep being patient and providing opportunities for him to take the leap. And definitely throw some flirting in there. Do you give him compliments as well? It makes the conversation much more personal which helps make the connection a little deeper. It lets him know that you notice him and that he has an affect on you.
Let me know your thoughts!
Heidi
Hi Beverly,
It is hard to say what any of that means. How well do you know him? Do you guys flirt? Can you tell that he has feelings for you or vice versa? Has he ever asked you out on a date? How long have you been talking?
Maybe he feels comfortable talking with you as a friend and just blurted out the one thing that has been occupying his mind. Maybe it was his way of telling you that he was single and watching your reaction. Maybe it means nothing at all to him and he just viewed it as something to say because he gets nervous talking to you. There are many possibilities. There is no harm in just asking him. I do that a lot. I’m not a fan of guessing how people are feeling and why they act the way they do….so I just ask. I would say, “You said this the other day. Is there a reason you wanted me to know?” Not everyone is a fan of being that direct, but I always like to throw that option out there as well.
Heidi
I am so glad you are checking in and getting another person’s perspective! I ALWAYS do that when I am not sure about something. You are spot on with all your questions. Be cautious. Your heart is the most valuable thing on the face of this earth. Any man coming into your life, needs to EARN THE RIGHT to hold your heart in their hands. That takes time, that takes building trust and safety, that takes good communication etc. If he is not willing to earn all of that with you upon his return, then you know he was just sadly playing some kind of game with you.
Keep us posted. I’m actually really curious how this turns out!
Heidi
Hi Dahlia!
Listen to your intuition! It’s important for you to honor what feels comfortable for you!
Of course it is important for you to meet someone in person first, before you commit to marrying them. Your age does not need to be a factor. You have plenty of time to enjoy someone. Why rush into marriage? Spend time getting to know each other. You won’t be wasting any time? Why do you feel like your joy and pleasure can only start once you are married?
Once he returns, spend time and develop your relationship. Learn how to communicate in person, learn each other’s habits, learn how you guys have disagreements and how he handles those kinds of things. You have plenty of time to spend with each other and THEN….after you have seen all of his sides and vice versa….THEN you can decide to move in that direction.
I am wondering why he was looking for a wife. Why does he want a wife? Why is he looking for a wife on social media? It’s one thing to say, I want to fall in love….but why is he attached to finding a wife? I am wondering what his motive is.
Any thoughts?
Hi Maria,
Before I advise you how to help you get him back, I want you to really pay attention to how he is responding. This is who he is. If you continue to pursue him and eventually get him back, he will do this again. He will disappear and decide not to initiate with you. That usually is the sign of a person who is revengeful. They make the person pay somehow for hurting their feelings. Are you sure you want to pursue someone like this? One of the best ways to really know someone is seeing them under stress and how they respond and treat themselves, you and everyone around. So far, you know that he throws a tantrum, he cuts you off and he stops initiating contact. You sure are doing a lot of work over some silly arguments…and this is just the tip of the ice berg. Just a thought.
Now….in order to get him back, have you tried pulling your energy back a bit and becoming more unavailable? If he is playing that game where he is making you pay the price (by being unavailable) by making you initiate everything….if you stop initiating, it will break the cycle. He may be testing you to see how hard you will work or fight for him. So maybe if you withdrawal a bit, that may pull him out more.
You can either just pull away and wait until he contacts you or you can ask him and have a conversation about it. If you decide to talk to him (IN PERSON), you could say something like, “Listen, it feels like you may not be interested in continuing this relationship with me. I feel like I am the only one initiating contact. Your responses are wonderful which makes me think maybe you do still want to keep me in your life. I am confused. What are you wanting or needing from me?”
Does this help?
Hi Julie!
Flirting can be so much fun! It’s silly, has a bit of a sexual/sensual undertone to it and can make someone really smile and feel pretty wonderful. Basically, it’s a simple and creative way of letting him know that he affects you.
Have you read “Irresistible Communication or Secret Obsession Compliments?” There are some good flirting tips in there!
What I like to encourage people to do is to just say what you are thinking. For example, maybe you had a thought like, wow….he gives me the butterflies every time I get a message from him. So you could say something like, “You know you give me butterflies every single time I see that you messaged me. Makes me smile and want more.” Or maybe you think he funny, so you could say “You crack me up! You are so sexy when you say your one liners like that!”
So you are taking something authentic about how he makes you feel and you are communicating how it makes you feel and how it makes you want more of him. It’s difficult over technology, but it’s also a good way to practice if you are a newby to flirting.
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Allison!
It sounds like you really like this guy! How are things when you are together? Does he communicate with you a lot about how he feels? Is he affectionate? Does he talk about any future stuff with you? Do you feel completely safe and comfortable being who you are? Do you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with him?
If you are building a relationship, it’s important to have good communication. It sounds like that is a struggle for him. Disappearing for long bouts of time makes it very difficult. It sounds like he wants to be close but also keep you at a distance. You have to decide what is okay for you. Before making any decisions, have you talked to him about why he disappears? Does he know how that makes you feel? Maybe he would be willing to put more effort in and even say something like, “Hey….I need to disappear for bit. I have some things to work through, but know I am not disappearing because of you. I will be back.” Do you feel you would be okay with him saying that to you?
He is doing what he wants to get his needs met, but not considering how it affects you and that is where the challenge occurs. So maybe if you understand more what and why he is making that choice, it will help you feel more comfortable to give him that space without questioning his feelings for you. You could say something like, “I really enjoy you and want to keep getting to know you. I feel you are worth it. It is hard for me when you disappear without a word. It causes me to question how you feel about me and maybe you disappearing has nothing to do with me. I don’t know. Would you mind sharing with me why you disappear like that? I think it will help me feel more solidarity with us if you teach me about what you are doing. I want to support you. I also need some support and little help to deal with side of you.”
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Beverly,
I’m not sure if your message got cut off or if that is all you meant to say. What is your question? Feel free to give as much detail as you can.
Heidi
Hi Jovanna!
You have some good insights!
As far as parenting and you worrying about her “working” you as well, that is completely in YOUR control, through yourself….not her. The only way she can “work” you…or anyone for that matter…is if the person she is trying to get to do what she is wants, is uncomfortable with her needs not being met. As long as you are okay with her discomfort, her anger, her disappointment…as long as you know those ALSO are important emotions for her to feel and work through with you….then you are all good! When a child is spoiled, it’s because the parent is the one uncomfortable with their child’s disappointment, anger etc. The hardest part about this particular topic is figuring out when it’s healthy and okay for them to be disappointed and when it is okay for you to rescue them. And you will mess up many times…forever! Haha!! It’s just the reality of being a parent. What will imprint on her most is that you are solid, always there for her, forgiving of yourself and your limitations as well as hers….and that no matter what…even with all the mess….you love her and will work through it all with her. So just relax and trust that even if you do get it wrong sometimes…oh well! She will be okay and you will teach her how to be okay.
AND YESSSS!!!! Get out of his way! Let him delight and enjoy doing those things for you! It brings him pleasure and activates his “hero” instinct…even with something as little as opening the car door. He is showing you, each time, that he is aware of you, respects you and desires to make your life easier…which in turn makes his life easier 🙂 I dated a guy for 3 years in college and I will never forget, that even when we were arguing, he always opened the door for me. And each time, it softened me….I was able to receive his thoughtfulness and that always shifted his mood as well. So your ability to receive is important for him.
And you know what??? I have not had that experience AT ALL about a man feeling trapped by “obsessing” over him. It is all in the delivery. HOW a woman does stuff like that for a man can determine how he feels. At this point, you both are on the same exact page. You have similar parenting style, you have a similar pace, you both are good communicators! Feel free to dote on a him a bit….try it out! Tying his shoes is awesome! That’s all it needs to be….just tiny little things to make a moment a bit easier for him. If he feels trapped from those type of gestures, then there is something underlying and much deeper going on.
Share with us some of things you end up doing for him!
Heidi
Hi Julie!
I’m glad he is so responsive! I’m also glad you know that about yourself and making up negative stories. There are a lot of reasons why we do silly things like that. The best thing you can do is gather more info. before making up a story. We make stories up because there are a lot of holes in the information we do have. So get the information and fill in the blanks with the facts, that way your story is accurate.
Here is a GREAT person to learn from about this particular topic. She actually wrote a book about it. I haven’t read it yet, but it is on my list for sure!
Also, why not start to add some flirting? Start to put the vibes out there that you are interested. Give it a few months to build while he is in the busy season and to also maybe recover from whatever just happened. He may be hurting which causes people to withdraw a lot of times. So definitely keep up the friendship side of things, but throw in some flirting here and there. Do you understand how to do that?
Heidi
Hi Julie!
It seems this guy has taken you through a bit of a rollercoaster. First, DO NOT FEEL BAD that you said no so many times. It is ABSOLUTELY crucial that you feel ready and safe to meet someone. Besides, if you did meet with him, you would have felt even worse when you found out he was still with the other lady.
I agree that there is something off here. I personally would just flat out ask him instead of playing the guessing game. You don’t really know his status until you hear from him.
I would say something to the effect of: “Hey…I heard that you are single now. Is that true? I know we haven’t talked much personal stuff in awhile, but something feels a bit off. You seem more distant. Is everything okay?”
Keep it short and simple and let him take the lead. You open the door by letting him know you care, then see what he does with that. That’s just a place to start.
How do you feel about that response?
Heidi
Hi Maja,
I would say that you do not need to make a decision exactly at this moment. This really is up to you Maja. Everyone has different tolerance. I personally would have skipped out a long time ago, but that is not something you are ready to do at the moment. It sounds like you need to gather more information before you decide to really let go.
See what kind of effort he makes with you now that he is home. Does he spend time with you? Does he give you attention? Does he talk to you about what he wants? Does he ask you what your needs are? If not….then I would say you have your answer. You have a guy who doesn’t know what he wants but also does not care enough about you or your boys to become better for you his family.
You want to do the hero thing with him in hopes that it will help him see that you are a good woman and for him to come back to you. Your husband has a lot of challenges to face. Even if you did the hero thing and he did come back….like I said before, he is STILL THE SAME GUY! He is still the guy who will go off for 2 months with another woman and not care how it affects you or the boys. He is still the same guy that doesn’t ask about what you need. He is still that guy who wants sex all the time without putting in the effort to care about you the way you need.
The only way that any of that will change is through HIM….he has to WANT to be different. He has to want to change because he doesn’t like how he feels. He has to want to do the work WITH you to improve the marriage.
So maybe that is where you sit down and have a conversation with him to see what he is willing to do. Let him know that you want to work on the marriage and be better for him and your boys and that you need him to do the same. Would he be willing to read through a book with you? Maybe do a weekend workshop for married couples? Would he be willing to see a 3rd person like a therapist or coach to help teach you guys how to be better together? If he is not willing to take any ACTION to improve his side of things, then you will just fall into the same patterns as before. YOU can still continue to improve yourself though. You can learn to communicate better, set boundaries, forgive, respect yourself and accept that your husband is who he is….either you take him for who he is and honor that and love that….or you realize you love him, but love is not enough for you to stay in a marriage that hurts your heart.
What do you feel about all of this?
Heidi
