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Hi Urietha!
Give us an update! Have you had a conversation with him or did you decide you would like to wait this out?
We would love to hear any more thoughts you have about this. Hope to hear from you soon!Heidi
Hi Houda,
We haven’t heard back from you. What is happening? Is anything resolving itself? How are you doing?
We would love to hear back from you!Heidi
Hi Elle!
We would love to hear back from you! Any thoughts about what I said? Any new developments? Did you decide anything?
Hope to hear back 🙂
Heidi
Hi Ya C!
How are you doing??? Are you still feeling better and that you are able to let him go? Keep us updated!
Hope to hear from you soon!Heidi
Hi Daniela!
How did the birthday go? Did you do anything for him? Is he responding?
Keep us updated! We want to know what happened!
Hi Lilly,
There is a lot going on here and I am really glad you are reaching out. You have some great questions!
I first want to say that I don’t a person alive who isn’t afraid of intimacy. It is a scary thing for simple fact that there is a risk of being hurt. The difference between you, me and the next person, is how much we let that fear design and control our lives. For some, the fear is SO big that how they participate in relationships is controlled by that fear. Others have the fear and it is not as big, so they are able to be much more authentic…even though they still do have fear, they have control over the fear vs. the fear having control over them.
From what you are saying, it sounds like the fear has control over you. You ask, “What do I need to do to make sure I don’t get hurt or hurt him?” That is impossible. You both are bonding with each other sexually, building memories together and growing a little closer each day. How do you NOT get hurt when and if you disconnect? It will feel exactly like a breakup.
You are saying that you desire a deeper connection with him, yet he is not willing to go there. What is already happening is that you are bonding with him and growing more and more attached to a guy that doesn’t want to attach. I know you are afraid of intimacy, but you also want intimacy. Reality is, this guy is pulling at your heart strings. If you didn’t really like this guy, THEN I would agree that you could do the open relationship kind of thing, but that is not the case here.
Did you know that the first 7 years you have sex with a man, your body is releasing oxytocin every time you have sex with him? That hormone is a BONDING hormone. It’s part of the reason why us ladies can experience sexual intimacy on a much deeper level than a man. You are bonding with him and want to be exclusive with him, yet you are not requiring that because you are afraid of losing him. You are letting HIM get his needs met at the expense of your own. You are allowing yourself to bond with a man who also wants to spend time with other women. Your concern is more about how to keep his attention vs. how to take care of and protect the most valuable part of who you are….your heart. Are you willing to get your heart all wrapped around a guy who is emotionally unavailable? Who will always be looking for other experiences outside of being with you? Who will be bonding, flirting, spending time with other women when he is not with you? It does not sound like that is what you want, yet you are choosing it anyways.
Maybe you should be asking instead: Why am I choosing this when this is not really what I want? What is stopping you from fighting for what you really want?
This is what I want you to really think about to start. Don’t worry about the children part or where your life is going right now. You need to face your fear of intimacy FIRST before even heading down that path.
Check this out and let me know what you think:
Let’s just start with that and then get back to us!
Heidi
Oh wow! You are feeling better! That is wonderful to hear! Share with us what is helping you to feel better….I’m curious!
I would agree that emotionally unavailable men would also fit into the avoidant attachment style.
Heidi
Hi Daniela,
That’s a GREAT idea! That way he can share the brownies with the other people in his group and maybe you can even mention that. You can actually put some thought into things that help him study and make a care package:
There are essential oils that can help someone focus. You could look up certain foods that help mental acuity or foods that help keep the energy high, you could get him a soft gel type cushion for him to sit on to make it more comfortable, you can maybe find some tea that will help with staying up all night, there are microwaveable neck wraps that are good for soothing muscles….you get the idea! Get creative and have fun with it! Then get him a card that is funny and will make him laugh!
You could say something like….”I am remembering you on your birthday because you have impacted my life and I want to celebrate that. The brownies are for pure pleasure on your birthday as everyone deserves that…the cushion is for your amazing bootie to sit on during those long hours of studying….gotta take care of that! The berries are supposed to help mental acuity, the tea is a healthy way to stay up all night and the wrap you can heat up in the microwave and put around your shoulders to help your muscles relax more after sitting in a chair for hours. I would also like to extend and invitation for a night out. If you have a night where you just want to have some fun, I have a few ideas of a fun way to celebrate your birthday. Let me know if you are interested. If not, know that I am still sending you some good vibes either way!”
You can find that report if you go into “Jame’s Library” at the top of this page.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Elle!
Wow! You are in quite the pickle! You have a situation going that is very difficult and sensitive.
You have 2 people that are not the best about opening up and being vulnerable AND you both could lose your jobs.
The challenge you are running into is that you guys can’t have a relationship, yet you are building one with him anyways. I think you’re needs are increasing the more time you spend with him. You don’t want “titles” but you want boundaries. They are the same thing. A boundary of no sex with other people means you are exclusive….whether you want to call it something or not, doesn’t matter. The behavior matches that of a “couple.” The thing is….you guys don’t have the freedom to fully express your feelings with each other without major consequences. Yet your heart keeps growing for him.
You keep holding onto the “he’s just not that into you.” From what you are saying, I would venture to guess that he just agreed with that statement because it’s an easy way to keep the wall up and push you away.
You both are dealing with split emotions. One side wants to be free to feel everything, the other side is scared of getting hurt AND losing your jobs. Whenever someone is split like that, it means that sometimes the love is in the driver seat and sometimes the fear is in the driver’s seat. It just depends on the moment. He may even be trying to protect you by pushing you away.
You are playing this huge guessing game as to how he feels and you are constantly wondering how he really feels about you. NIETHER OF YOU has the freedom to know the real feelings! So wanting him to connect and go deep with you means HE HAS TO FACE MAJOR CONSEQUENCES.
You guys might really need to sit down and have a serious conversation about this. Either you go all in and commit to moving forward. If you get caught, you get caught. You both will have to be okay with that. Maybe one of you could get a different job? OR…you both agree that losing a job is not worth the relationship.
You both are sitting on the fence. You are trying to honor BOTH sides of being romantic with each other and grow as a family AND being fearful of losing a job and being hurt. As long as you keep honoring both sides, there will always be confusion. It’s a matter of jumping off the fence…one way or the other. That way you will get more information and have more closure.
You are getting tired of sitting on the fence with him….of course! A person can only stay there for so long before their spirit starts needing to jump off….one way or the other….it’s normal to need a direction.
So this is really about you getting clear what you want….then it’s a matter of discussing it with him. The other thing you need to be aware of is you are choosing a guy who is not willing to really open up very much. If you are having “pull” from him how he feels, know that you will probably have to do that all the time…as that is who he is choosing to be. You say that you don’t mind traumas, you just want someone to work on them….does he actually do the work? Has he read books? Has he ever had a coach or someone who can help him with his fear? What does he actually DO to work on this part of himself?You guys cannot be FWB anymore. Your feelings are waaaay past that type of relationship. It has grown into something deeper, so asking him to not see someone else means that you are asking him to commit to you fully and be your guy. Being that you are his boss at the moment….that’s a HUGE request. He may not be willing to go down that road with you. You may need to let that idea go. Whatever happens in 10 months is whatever happens. It’s too far to know how either of you will feel. So much can happen between now and then.
Maybe spend some quiet time figuring out what you really want. Ask him to do the same and then meet for dinner somewhere and talk about it. You both need to get onto the same page and then your spirit will settle.
Let us know your thoughts!!! I want to hear more.
Heidi
Hi Daniela!
Oh man….I’m sorry to hear this! It is soooo hard when we have such a strong connection with someone and they do not want to join us exploring where it goes.
The first thing I want to encourage you with, is to consider that although you have a strong connection with him, it does not mean you can’t have that with someone else. I am not saying this to encourage you to move on. I am saying this to help you understand that a really strong connection does not mean that person is “the one.” The most intense love I have ever felt and the best relationship I have ever had…didn’t work out. It was so simple in that the timing was just not right. It was the hardest thing in my life to say goodbye to him. Will I ever feel that way again? ABSOLUTELY! I will not settle for anything less! Love and connection are not enough to make a relationship work. It is a powerful fuel to keep things going, but then on top of that, you need 2 people who are willing to take the journey together and face the challenges that show up…TOGETHER.
Why did you guys break up in the first place? What do you feel he is afraid of?
I think it’s a great thing that he reached out to you. It means there is still a connection he feels with you. How do you feel about giving him a few months of being the BEST FRIEND you can be with him? A strong friendship needs to be at the foundation of any romance for it to be really healthy anyways….so why not work on that aspect of how you guys interact together? And while you are having this friendship, you flirt with him, you give him compliments….you make him feel the best parts of who he is when he is around you. Have you read “Irresistible Communication?”
For right now, he is saying that he feels overwhelmed. Let him feel overwhelmed and just support him through that. Is there anything you can do to help lighten his load? Can you help him study at all? Are there any activities that he does that you could join him on? Can you pack him a few lunches or dinners or snacks? This might be a good place to start.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Ureitha!
Belief and faith through religion is so powerful isn’t it? There is something you need to understand about someone like this. Someone that disciplined will most likely not budge as it is faith and it defines who he is. Do you feel you guys could head towards marriage? Maybe if he feels you are heading in that direction, you might find more patience. My guess is, you are going to have to find a way to accept this about him.
The other issue you will probably run into is that even if you did get married, he might not work (which something tells me that he knows that, therefore it is easier for him to keep the “no sex” rule). Do you know how long it has been since he had sex? When someone shuts off that part of their life, their sex drive also shuts down and everything else along with it. Does he ever get hard while kissing you? Do you ever feel him desiring you so much that he has to walk away to stay in control? Sexuality is like a muscle. If you stop using it, the system stops functioning. A person’s psyche cannot go from years of saying “no” to all of a sudden, overnight, saying “yes” and have everything work right. Even in his mind, it will take some time to shift into the “yes” mode. And I imagine he would be very embarrassed about this as he would not want to disappoint you. I imagine he does not masturbate either. If he doesn’t, that would be a good way for him to wake that part of himself up so that when you do have sex, it will be more comfortable for him. The same goes for you as well.
Another thing you may want to research somehow, is how do women take care of themselves that are married to paraplegic. I know it’s a weird way to think about it, but they obviously can’t have sex and that will never change, so the women accept a life without intercourse. But they have other ways to have sexual intimacy with their husbands. I imagine they may get really creative. I wonder if your guy would be willing to have more sexual intimacy, without intercourse. Do you know what his boundaries are exactly??
Let us know how you are processing all of this!
Heidi
Oh wow! This is interesting! Usually people have the opposite problem. My first instinct is that there is something going on with him sexually….like erectile dysfunction or he has very little to no sex drive or he has a disease or STD that could affect you if you have sex. Or do you know that it is purely coming from his religious beliefs? There is definitely something off about this and my guess is he does not want you to find out.
Do you feel comfortable being very direct with him? How is your communication style with him? Do you guys communicate openly and honestly or do you have to be a bit more careful how you say things?
Bottom line is, you need to communicate in one way or another that this is a need of yours and is now a deal breaker. If he is not willing, then you would need to consider what this means for you as you are not willing to live without sexual intimacy for the rest of your life.
I personally am very direct as a person, so I would say it like this: “John. I love you and you are an amazing man. I want to live with you and grow with you. There is one things stopping me from moving forward though and it’s something I am really, really hoping we can get onto the same page with. I want to have sex. I want that aspect of our relationship to start to be included in our growth together. You have not been willing and it leads me to think there is something you are not telling me. What is the truth about why you are not willing to head in that direction?” Have the conversation and see what he says. Then you can decide how to take it from there as to whether you want to continue to wait or whether it’s time to part ways because he is not willing to budge on the issue….or maybe he will.
The most important thing for you is….what are you willing to do? If he does say that he still wants to wait, then are you okay with that if you understand his reasoning? Is this need of yours THAT important that you are willing to disconnect because he is not open to adding that aspect into the relationship?
This is not a question of love here. Sex is a way to express that love in a very intimate way. He needs to know where you are at. He needs to know that you have this need and you are at the point that it is becoming a deal breaker if SOMETHING doesn’t change. Maybe that something that changes doesn’t have to be sex, but maybe something else that is sexual.
Let me know your thoughts! Hopefully this gives you some ideas as to how to approach this. If none of these ideas work for you, let us know and maybe provide a bit more detail to help us guide you better. Thank you for writing in!
Heidi
Hi Ya C,
I’m going to challenge your male friend’s thinking that kissing happens on the first date if you are serious. I dated for 20 years, researched and read everything under the sun I could find about dating and love, because I found the entire process so interesting! Ultimately, what I found to be true about every single method, rule, “way to date”, theory….is that whatever they say you “should” or “should not do” is true AND not true. The reality is, each person and each situation is different and unique to the people involved. For example, one rule out there is to NEVER talk about your x’s on a first date (or even at the beginning when getting to know someone). I would completely agree that it’s a good idea to keep past relationships out of the present while getting to know someone….AND….sometimes that topic has come up (in many of my personal experiences) and it was totally okay…no harm done! So DO NOT make a rule apply to every single situation. What is most important is that you decide how you want things to go so you are comfortable with the process. If someone does not respond well to what you need, then that is information you need to know about them. Trust yourself. If you let a rule dictate how you are “supposed” to act on a date, then you lose yourself and what feels okay for you.
You asked if his need to spend time with his cousins was a sign of “avoidant” attachment style. I would say in that particular situation….it’s normal for him to want to spend time with his family who is visiting vs. a new girl. They are more important to him than you…as it should be. If I were him, (especially being a psychologist) if I sensed that you were upset because I wanted to spend time with visiting family, I would see that as a sign that you had very high needs for attention….which would match the type of attachment style you are. It doesn’t make you or him right or wrong…..it just means you interact differently. It’s soooo important to find someone like-minded with how you view relationship. I think he probably was willing to see that and you were not.
I want to encourage you again….let this go. I would be sooooo sad if you spent months waiting for the “right” time to reconnect with Mike, trying to be friends with him, and waiting for some type of answer from him so you can feel resolved. That is A LOT of valuable time and energy spent on a guy that is gone. This is a choice Ya C. You keep choosing to let this control you, torture you and make you miserable. It does not have to be this way. You CAN create a different experience where you find freedom from this obsession and you heal from the hurt. Do you really want to keep carrying around this hurt? What if Mike dies? What if he has a girlfriend when you decide to contact him again? Even though you want to be “friends” your intentions are not pure with him. What if he doesn’t give you the answer you think you need to find resolution??? My point is, you are putting ALL of your power into the hands of a guy you knew for 3 weeks. You are talking about holding onto this situation and not creating closure for yourself…for months!!! Take back your power and start to look inward about what is REALLY going on for you so you can be free of this.
Of course, at the end of the day, it sounds like you are not ready to let go of the pain. I have been there before. There are consequences to that choice. Maybe you need to go through more pain before you are tired of hurting and finally decide to go a different path with this. There is NOTHING we can say here to ease your pain. We can answer all the questions you want, but haven’t you noticed that even though we are answering your questions, you do not feel any better??? You are still hurting a lot. That is because your pain is not about finding an answer and feeding your mind. Your HEART needs healing. Your heart hurts and all the answers in the world will not change that.
Here is a short video about a book that could be really helpful for you!
Let me know what you think!
Heidi
Hi Ya C,
I actually am not surprised you are having such a hard time. Whenever we have REALLY BIG reactions to a situation, that is usually an indicator of the current situation hurting but also triggering a past situation as well….so the current situation ends up feeling VERY INTENSE because it’s past AND present mixed together. You lost your husband a few years ago. You lost Mike. Even though they are different circumstances, it is still loss and your heart is breaking. I am so sorry! I wish so badly that there was a magical way to get through situations like this. Whenever something is this painful, I recommend getting some help with a grief group, a counselor, a coach….someday that has a specialty in dealing with loss. Did you ever get help for yourself when you lost your husband? If you didn’t, all those emotions are going to flood you right now and being that Mike just happens to be the current person that opened up your heart again and then he decided to call it quits….he is the target of ALL the emotions you feel….so that is probably why it feels so intense to lose him.
Do you have anyone who can help you through this on a personal level?
I’m sending you a HUGE hug! You will get through this. Your heart can heal. You are worth loving and fighting for! Mike’s opinion does not define your value. YOU define your value. I’m very confident that if he chose to stick with you, you would have had a very difficult road ahead of you full of a lot of drama and rejection.
I want to hear why you hate yourself. Tell me more about that.
Heidi
Hi Houda!
I’m so glad you are exercising! Whether you realize it or not, I guarantee it is helping you emotionally as well. If you were not exercising, depression would most likely be much more intense! So keep connected to yourself and taking care of yourself!
Here are a few things you can do to help deal with those intense emotions:
1. Look up EFT or TFT on youtube – those techniques work amazing at lowering the intensity of any emotion! I have used these techniques for over a decade and will always have these as part of my toolbox for healing.2. Watch movies where the character is going through something very challenging and they end up okay. (i.e. Under the Tuscan Sun)
3. Finish the story: What keeps the emotion intense is the story of what we keep looping around in our heads….and usually the story that keeps looping is only half of the story instead of the full story (which is actually the most important part). For example, the story you may be looping could be “If I don’t get his attention again, he will leave me.” Then that story goes into all kinds of other stories and just fuels the intensity of the hurt and fear. The full story would be “If I don’t get his attention again, he will leave me…AND I will be okay. I will choose to forgive, heal the hurt and build a new life.” I know that is not what you want to have to do, but you also need to stay connected to yourself and that IF this does not end up working out, you will be okay. When you keep believing that you will not be okay, the emotion becomes so much more intense.
When your emotion gets really intense, you end up in the lower part of your brain that does not and is not designed for problem solving. The higher your emotion, THEN you are in the higher part of your brain that DOES have the ability to problem solve. Keep feeding your self esteem. Keep nourishing yourself. This is a VERY tough time and if all you focus on is him and how to get him back, all the while disconnect from yourself, you are not in a winning situation. Remember this: YOU ARE WORTH LOVING AND FIGHTING FOR! Your husband at the moment is not able to see that because he is drowning so to speak. DO NOT LET HIS CHOICES TAKE AWAY YOUR THE VALUE YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF!
4. Have you thought about getting a therapist or life coach for yourself? It would be wonderful for you to get some personal help through this very difficult time
5. Do you have any hobbies that you love? When you activate creativity and passion, it is VERY healing! No, it doesn’t take away the hurt completely, but it puts money into the soul bank. It will help make this difficult time more manageable because you are feeding your soul.
6. Volunteer somewhere. Sometimes when we get into a space of giving, our own gratitude for our lives increases, it feeds our soul when we can help someone or something and it helps us feel more purpose in our lives.
7. Start writing or talking. You have a lot of emotions going on right now. It is extremely helpful to get those thoughts and feelings out of your head and onto a computer or journal or talking into a digital recorder. You will be surprised what ends up coming out!!!
I know you want answers as to how to fix this situation. I want to also help guide you through how to deal with your emotions in a healthy way. Your situation is going to take a lot of time. You have a husband who has decided to go this alone without any help and that is a decision you have to respect and honor. So in honoring his choice, you of course, are dealing with abandonment, rejection, anger, hurt, confusion etc. So that makes YOUR journey very important right now as well. Make sure you pay attention to yourself and your emotional health as well as you go through this!
Heidi
