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Hi Allison!
Wow….this is hard. Robin Williams once said, “I used to think the worst thing in life is to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.”
Being alone and single, you are not really dealing with rejection. You are just alone. Being with someone and feeling alone is a constant dose of rejection. That’s hard! That wears down the soul and really starts to cause a lot of low self esteem.
I am glad you are finally ready to start fighting for what you need. You BOTH need to participate in the design. If something isn’t working, a good partner wants to know and work on it, because your happiness means everything to him.
I hope you have the conversation and let him know your feelings. Your voice deserves to be heard and paid attention to. I hope he listens with his heart open. Make sure you present it in a way that helps keep his heart open. If you blame and accuse and point the finger, he will close down. Remember this phrase, “When you do this___________(fill in the blank) it makes me feel this (fill in the blank)” It’s a great way to communicate with men. They tend to respond best to black and white….cause and affect.
Good luck and keep us updated! We are here to keep helping you with ideas!
Heidi
Hi Tiffany,
Wow…you are having some MAJOR realizations! What a wonderful gift for you. You are waking up to how you were limited and how your wounds caused more havoc and pain in both your life and your current guy’s life. You are right. It IS hard to see that, feel that and experience it on all levels. That is why so many people never choose to wake up to their behaviors. It hurts and is soooo hard to feel. You have great strength to allow this to happen. You could have easily defended against it like you have done in the past. You are making a different choice this time and that is a BIG deal! My heart goes out to you. I have felt like you are feeling, so many times in my life. There are many more to come as well. It is just what life is. We get to learn how to be resilient and heal though. I have done this so many times that by now, how long it hurts is literally half the amount of time. I have done so much healing work and dig deep every time to forgive others, to forgive myself and pick my head back up and keep moving forward. I will not let that pain destroy the joy that is also out there for me to experience. It gets easier to go through that process. The more you do it, the more you know there is always a light on the other end. There is always more laughter, there is always more love, there is always more connection waiting for us on the other side of difficult phases like this. What’s even better is the laughter, love and connection are even more magnified after a journey like this because you end up letting go of baggage that keeps you heavy! It feels so amazing!!!! You are worth the fight!!! You are worth the love and laughter and joy Tiffany. Love yourself enough to give yourself the gift to feel the best and worst of life. You can do this!
I want you to be kind to yourself. It is absolutely CRUCIAL that you forgive yourself for your limitations. You were acting out of being severely traumatized. You were protecting your heart the very best way that you knew how. NOW…you have lost him and unfortunately deep loss and pain is sometimes what it takes to get our attention. The biggest gift in the middle of this big pain is that you have woken up and want to create a different experience now. It’s time for you to connect to yourself and start healing your hurt on a deeper level. I will tell you, that even if he ends up coming back, these patterns will still be there. Just because you know something now, does not mean that your actions will change. They may improve a bit, but as deep as the hurt goes, it’s important for you to find a way to heal that deeper space that is filled with betrayal, abuse and low self esteem. If you are ever going to get your best friend back, waking up to yourself is just the first step. You need to take some action to change your behaviors. Do you know of a good therapist, life coach, healer or someone who could help guide you through this part of yourself? It is not something that is meant to be faced alone.
The first place I would start is to write a letter to him or maybe make a video with you talking to him (which actually might be more powerful since he will be able to see your face and hear your voice). Tell him what you told us. Tell him what you are learning about yourself, tell him how you see how much you have hurt him, tell him you are sorry. Tell him what you are going to do to heal yourself. He needs to know you are going to take ACTION vs. just giving him a bunch of words. I would recommend ending the letter or video by appreciating him. Saying something like, “You are my best friend. (tell him specifics about what makes him feel like a best friend to you). My life was better because of you. I understand why you needed to leave me and I will honor and accept the consequences of my actions. Whether you ever feel like you could come back for another try or not, I am going to get some help. I never want to feel like this again and I never want to make anyone else feel like this again. I need to heal and be more kind when I am hurting and that means I have a lot of work to do. I am going to take a step back and let you go through your own process without bothering you. You deserve that. If you feel like you want to talk, my door is always open for you. You and me together….is in your hands now. I have messed up so badly and all I can do now is working on fixing myself. I love you.”
Let us know what you think. Stay connected and keep talking to us!
Heidi
Hi Maja!
It sounds like you found some good closure for now. I imagine that as you pull away he may end up chasing you and pursuing you. He doesn’t know what his life is like without you and as he discovers that, it may bring up feelings for him….or not. Who knows! Trust your instincts and your feelings. Many people get derailed from their instincts because of “love” and the feelings they have for their partner. It’s a POWERFUL force!!! Just don’t forget to love yourself in the process as well!
We are here for you if you ever get confused again and need an objective opinion and guidance. Thank you for sharing with us!!!
Heidi
Hi Nikitha,
I am so sorry! I know how frustrating this is to be so connected to someone and have them all of a sudden change without talking about it with you.
Obviously something happened. I highly doubt it has anything to do with you. Maybe he met a new girl. Maybe his job situation got seriously worse and he is so stressed and doesn’t feel like he has anything to offer you. Maybe he thinks it’s a bad idea to meet you in person for some reason.
What you need to pay attention to is that this guy changed his pattern and is not talking to you about any of it. This is definitely a BIG CAUTION FLAG! He is showing you who he is when something is wrong. He shuts down and becomes less connective and he doesn’t talk to you about it. He just leaves you hanging and wondering and playing this insanely lame guessing game. I’m not saying not to pursue him…I’m saying to be cautious with this guy.
I would recommend to stop texting and let him feel the absence of you in his life. You need to know if this guy is going to fight for you. If he isn’t, then better to know now. If he does make some effort, then great!
Do what you can to NOT initiate anything. Give it at least a week, maybe even 2 if you can stand it. You want to know how he feels about you and this is a pretty good way to find out. I know it’s not fun and will be very hard, but just remember that you want to know the truth about this experience with him. Take a step back and let the truth come out.
Let us know your thoughts!
Heidi
Hi Kristin,
This is actually not an uncommon situation. I have heard this same type of story soooo many times. People end up meeting online and having some incredible connection, then meet in person and it’s just not the same.
Listen…I really applaud your efforts and desire to make it work. Relationships have sooooo many things to work through as people unite their worlds. If there is not the chemistry, natural comfort and ease to begin with, you already have the cards stacked against you.
You both seem to be on the same page about feeling like it’s too much work. He is right…the beginning of getting to know someone needs to be fun, light, exciting and on the easy side for the most part.
I would invite you to really consider letting this go. I know you want to make this work, but it’s just really simple….it doesn’t work ALL AROUND….it works only when you are apart from each other. Of course you are going to miss him. You guys have an incredible connection over the phone and he makes you feel wonderful. It’s hard to let that go, especially considering your past. Do not settle. Wait until you find the WHOLE package. It will be much more effortless and it will feel right. You will feel a green light, WITHOUT QUESTION and so will he. Give yourself some time to heal and feel your life again without him. Then maybe when the “missing him” goes away, you can be friends. You cannot maintain a friendship as long as there are feelings like that. Just ask for some space and that you will contact him when you feel ready to be friends again. You may find that after healing, you don’t want to re-connect…who knows!
I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear. I’m sorry about that. I wish for you to have all that you deserve and you deserve to feel much more that what you are feeling with this guy…and he deserves that as well.
Let me know how this makes you feel!
Heidi
Hi Tiffany,
I am so sorry to hear this is happening. It must be so shocking to you! It’s devastating to all of a sudden see a completely different side to your husband and have him disappear and betray you this way.
I am wondering if you have noticed this type of behavior before, but on a smaller scale. Has he ever cheated before? What makes you think there is another woman? You said you realized you pushed each other away but then also said you guys did everything together and you were into the same things and in love with each other. What caused the pushing apart from each other?
Something had to have happened. For him to up and leave, say mean things to you and completely disconnect and even block you, he seems to feel like he needs to get away from you for some reason. Can you share anything with us so we can better guide you?
This is something pretty serious that is happening. It sounds like it would be a good idea to get some personal help. Do you have anyone that can help you? A therapist, a coach or someone who would be able to help you?
I know you want to save him. You love him and something like this is so hard and you want him back. Whatever is happening, he needs to save himself and WANT to come back home and WANT to work things out with you. If he doesn’t even have that desire, that means there are a lot of road blocks that will probably take quite a bit of time and working through some deeper issues.
We would love to hear more from you!
Heidi
Hi Allison,
It is soooo hard that he doesn’t have a phone. It’s so funny, because it was not that long ago that cell phones didn’t exist. We have adapted into a society where being in constant contact is VERY EASY and for the most part expected. I know a few people who do not have cell phones. They just don’t want to be connected that way. It’s hard, but it is who they are and the rest of us just deal with it.
What does it mean that he helps people? What exactly does he do to help them that would make him need to disappear for awhile?
You have expressed how it makes you feel when he disappears. What did he say when you told him?
Yes…being single for 10 years is a SUPER challenge and adjustment when entering back into a relationship. It may take him awhile to adjust.
Casually asking him about what happens when he disappears can be a good place to start. Something like, “Listen….I love being around you and feel sooo amazing when we get to hang out. You disappear for bouts at a time and like I have said before, I struggle with that. One moment we are connecting and the next moment you are gone without a word and I have no idea when or even if you are coming back. I am not asking for you to change your schedule or time, but what I am asking for is a little help with something I struggle with. It will help me if you even just call me and say, hey….I’m gonna be out for awhile, but I’ll be back in a few weeks. Or if you call and say, I need some space for 3 weeks. Looking forward to seeing you then! Or maybe it will help if I understand why you disappear. I just need your help to feel better about this. I want to accept this part of you and your busy schedule. That’s not what is challenging for me. It’s the disappearing without a word that is challenging. Would you be willing to try something different with me?”
Do you feel comfortable saying something like that?
Heidi
Hi Melissa!
I am soooo sorry you had to deal with him again. I want you to understand something here. It’s NORMAL for you to get triggered! Anyone would be triggered. I have learned over the years that I will ALWAYS get triggered, but where I see myself getting more and more healthy is my ability to be resilient. Yes, as I get more healthy, certain triggers are not near as intense, BUT even with the really big triggers, I am able to be free of those intense emotions in a day vs. a week or a month. So NOT getting triggered is impossible, as you have already stated. It’s more about how quickly you are able to release your hurt feelings and find peace in forgiveness.
And I will sort of disagree with you about the avoidance thing…avoidance is absolutely crucial sometimes and is healthy. This is a silly example, but I think you will understand what I am trying to say. I know where I am sensitive and vulnerable to being triggered. I LOVE animals, so any movie that has ANY type of animal death, suffering or sad story, I WILL NOT WATCH. I get triggered and I know it, so I avoid it. I protect my happiness! I protect my heart! So avoidance is NOT a bandaid sometimes. Avoidance is SMART and a way for you to protect your heart.
Besides, when you get SLIMED like that, I don’t know a person alive who wouldn’t have some type of reaction to that. Even strangers who cut you off on the freeway and then flip you off….that affects the receiving person. It’s because there are some yucky vibes being thrown at you! I ALWAYS have to work with my emotions when someone slimes me…even if it’s a stranger. It feels gross and heavy, so some of what you are feeling is very normal. Do not expect yourself to be able to interact with someone THAT TOXIC and not feel gross every time. That would mean you are not human and you don’t have feelings…and that obviously is not true.
So what you do now is you choose forgiveness. Go get a packet of balloons you can blow up and a needle. Spend a minute thinking and feeling all the yucky crap that has been triggered. Feel it in your body and then pull out a balloon and blow it up. Then you take all those gross, heavy feelings and blow them out into the balloon. Then just hold the end tight with your fingers and say a little prayer like, “I choose to release these feelings. I choose to forgive myself, I choose to forgive him and I let this go.” Then pop the balloon! Sometimes I have had to do 4 or 5 balloons to feel the shift, but it’s been something that has worked really well for me. Give it a try. It may take a few different attempts, but you have got to fight for your emotional health. You are giving him soooo much power in your life! Take it back, forgive him, release him and do it over and over again until you feel like the grip of those intense emotions are letting go. Whatever he represents, he is just triggering stuff from your past. So maybe work on also letting go of past stuff as well. It’s time to fight for yourself again!
Keep talking with us….let me know your thoughts!
Hi Maja,
I want you to really consider that as much as he is a GREAT man, father and husband, he also is not. He has made your feelings insignificant, he left to be with another woman and completely disconnected himself as a husband and father and he is still trying to figure out what he wants. When you look at someone, see them for ALL of who they are, not just the good or just the bad. It feels like you are trying to help him become who he used to be. Reality is, who he used to be is gone. Who he is, is who he is RIGHT NOW and that is important for you to either accept or not accept.
The danger you are running into is hoping he will change. You have this belief that if he could only be the guy you knew way back when, everything will be okay again….and that just simply is not true. The person he is today IS who he is. He has always been this person, it just so happens that he is unhappy enough now, that this side of him is showing. So as much as you want to make him feel like a hero, it doesn’t change that this is who he is and how he handles being unhappy. The way he chooses to handle his emotional stress is to run away and disconnect. Helping him feel like a hero will not change that about him. It will help him feel good about himself, but that still does not change that when he is unhappy or emotionally uncomfortable enough, he will do what works for him….and for now, what works for him is to have another woman in his life.
It’s great that he is responding! If you want to keep putting in all the effort to make this work and try to win him back, doing the “hero” thing can help. I just don’t want you to think it will “changes” his deep, core unhappiness. That is HIS issue and not something you are responsible for. HE is responsible for that.
Here is an analogy you may understand: If I were to give you all the BEST ingredients to make the most amazing cake possible BUT included in those ingredients is 1 cup of poop, no matter what you do with all those ingredients, the cake will still taste terrible because there is 1 cup of poop in it. It may look beautiful, you may have made it with the purest, organic and best ingredients…but it doesn’t change that there is poop in the cake. So the hero concept is a wonderful ingredient to put into your cake, but the poop is still there. The hero instinct can help for sure, but it doesn’t change that there is still poop in the cake. So….your choice really is about either accepting that there is just going to be poop in this beautiful cake and NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, it will taste bad….OR you decide that you want a different experience. Accept that your husband is no longer who he used to be. You may know him deep down and you may know what his potential can be, but he is also showing you that he is NOT any of those things anymore.
Maybe it’s time for you to focus on what YOU need instead of trying to “fix” him. By taking care of yourself, you become a better mom, wife and person. When you are better, those around you are affected by that!
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Great! These details are much more helpful. I still cannot answer why he said those things and why he is acting the way he is. There is definitely some inconsistencies in his patterns though, which makes him hard to read. You said his pupils were dilated a lot. Maybe he is on some type of medication or drug that has that affect on him, therefore also affecting his behavior. Something to definitely pay attention to!
It sounds like you had a good time shopping and you are doing a great job putting the hints out there and providing him with the opportunity to hang out. It’s weird that he did not go to lunch with you though. The Las Vegas shooting is a pretty good excuse though.
Do you flirt with him at all? Keep dropping the hints that you are available to hang out. I absolutely love that you are waiting for him to ask you out and not taking things into your own hands! From what it sounds like, he may feel much more empowered if he gets to take the lead with you. So keep being patient and providing opportunities for him to take the leap. And definitely throw some flirting in there. Do you give him compliments as well? It makes the conversation much more personal which helps make the connection a little deeper. It lets him know that you notice him and that he has an affect on you.
Let me know your thoughts!
Heidi
Hi Beverly,
It is hard to say what any of that means. How well do you know him? Do you guys flirt? Can you tell that he has feelings for you or vice versa? Has he ever asked you out on a date? How long have you been talking?
Maybe he feels comfortable talking with you as a friend and just blurted out the one thing that has been occupying his mind. Maybe it was his way of telling you that he was single and watching your reaction. Maybe it means nothing at all to him and he just viewed it as something to say because he gets nervous talking to you. There are many possibilities. There is no harm in just asking him. I do that a lot. I’m not a fan of guessing how people are feeling and why they act the way they do….so I just ask. I would say, “You said this the other day. Is there a reason you wanted me to know?” Not everyone is a fan of being that direct, but I always like to throw that option out there as well.
Heidi
I am so glad you are checking in and getting another person’s perspective! I ALWAYS do that when I am not sure about something. You are spot on with all your questions. Be cautious. Your heart is the most valuable thing on the face of this earth. Any man coming into your life, needs to EARN THE RIGHT to hold your heart in their hands. That takes time, that takes building trust and safety, that takes good communication etc. If he is not willing to earn all of that with you upon his return, then you know he was just sadly playing some kind of game with you.
Keep us posted. I’m actually really curious how this turns out!
Heidi
Hi Dahlia!
Listen to your intuition! It’s important for you to honor what feels comfortable for you!
Of course it is important for you to meet someone in person first, before you commit to marrying them. Your age does not need to be a factor. You have plenty of time to enjoy someone. Why rush into marriage? Spend time getting to know each other. You won’t be wasting any time? Why do you feel like your joy and pleasure can only start once you are married?
Once he returns, spend time and develop your relationship. Learn how to communicate in person, learn each other’s habits, learn how you guys have disagreements and how he handles those kinds of things. You have plenty of time to spend with each other and THEN….after you have seen all of his sides and vice versa….THEN you can decide to move in that direction.
I am wondering why he was looking for a wife. Why does he want a wife? Why is he looking for a wife on social media? It’s one thing to say, I want to fall in love….but why is he attached to finding a wife? I am wondering what his motive is.
Any thoughts?
Hi Maria,
Before I advise you how to help you get him back, I want you to really pay attention to how he is responding. This is who he is. If you continue to pursue him and eventually get him back, he will do this again. He will disappear and decide not to initiate with you. That usually is the sign of a person who is revengeful. They make the person pay somehow for hurting their feelings. Are you sure you want to pursue someone like this? One of the best ways to really know someone is seeing them under stress and how they respond and treat themselves, you and everyone around. So far, you know that he throws a tantrum, he cuts you off and he stops initiating contact. You sure are doing a lot of work over some silly arguments…and this is just the tip of the ice berg. Just a thought.
Now….in order to get him back, have you tried pulling your energy back a bit and becoming more unavailable? If he is playing that game where he is making you pay the price (by being unavailable) by making you initiate everything….if you stop initiating, it will break the cycle. He may be testing you to see how hard you will work or fight for him. So maybe if you withdrawal a bit, that may pull him out more.
You can either just pull away and wait until he contacts you or you can ask him and have a conversation about it. If you decide to talk to him (IN PERSON), you could say something like, “Listen, it feels like you may not be interested in continuing this relationship with me. I feel like I am the only one initiating contact. Your responses are wonderful which makes me think maybe you do still want to keep me in your life. I am confused. What are you wanting or needing from me?”
Does this help?
