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Hi Natalee,
Anyone in your position would be going nuts! It is incredibly difficult what you are choosing to do.
I”m going to be a bit tough here and I hope this is okay. My intention is to only help you connect to truth because from that space, it is much easier to heal and manage something as difficult as what you are doing. The truth is….he is not the one putting you and your kids through hell. You are. This is YOUR choice. The moment you blame him for your pain, that’s the moment you lose site of your own power in this situation.
You essentially have a few paths you could take: I know none of these choices feel good, but reality is, your marriage is on rocky grounds, so all your choices are going to suck….but they are choices none the less.
1. YOU decide. YOU decide that you no longer want to endure this torture and you cannot continue to wait for him to choose. So YOU set a time limit as to when he needs to choose by
2. You could leave and decide that it’s just not worth it anymore.
3. You stay and continue to live with anxiety, tears and an incredible amount of hurt on a daily basis in hopes that one day he will finally choose….and hopefully it’s you.You are choosing option 3 because you feel like he is worth fighting for. That also means, you are going to be dealing with anxiety, hurt and rejection on a daily basis. He is being who he wants to be and will not budge until he is ready to budge. Who knows how long it will take. You are doing everything you possibly can, but the challenge here is….there is a deeper core problem going on here INSDIE OF HIM. You say you want him to realize he is putting you through hell. He has set his boundaries and doesn’t want to be pressured. So that means you now have to just sit and wait….because you are choosing to stay….it is just going to be hell and there is no way around it until he makes a decision one way or the other. You want him to care about how he is making you feel, but he just doesn’t for now. What he cares about more is his comfort level, not yours and that is a choice you are accepting of his since you want to stay in this design.
I know you want some type of something you can do or say to just help him so you don’t have to hurt anymore. It’s just not going to work that way. Something like this can take a lot of time….or maybe it will resolve sooner than later. Either way…it is just going to hurt in the process and there is no way around it. It would hurt anyone. Here is an analogy I like to use. You are walking along and all of a sudden fall into a snake pit. They bite and bite. There is a ladder there if you want to get out, but intsead, you want to stay. At the same time, you are wanting the snakes to care that they are biting you, but they are just being what they are. As long as you stay in that pit, it’s just going to hurt and they are going to keep biting. And that’s okay. Sometimes, that is just something we need to choose and not a single person can tell you when you are ready to leave that pit and create something different. So blaming him for hurting you is like you getting mad that those snakes are biting you, even though there is a ladder to get out and stop all of that. This is YOUR choice and it’s important for you to own that choice instead of looking to him to make you stop hurting. Embrace the full impact of what comes along with fighting for a man who just isn’t sure about you anymore. Embrace that it will hurt everyday. Embrace that you will feel anxiety every day. Embrace that you will feel rejection every day….embrace that it will just be like that until he chooses. And truth be told, even if he did end up choosing you, you really think your anxiety will go away? No way! It’s going to be there for awhile. It’s going to take time for him to build trust back up with you again. It’s going to take time for you to feel like he is committed to you vs. wanting to be with her. Even if he chooses you, he will still go to work everyday and be around her. You are going to have a very hard time with that and that is just part of the equation.
Another possibility is to just take yourself out of the equation. What if you asked him to move out for a month? Or maybe you moved out for a month. And then you can re-evalutate at the end of that time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. How will he know how much he misses you if you are always there chasing him and available. There is quite a sense of solidarity and security when someone is chasing you. The moment the chase stops, the person being chased all of a sudden doesn’t feel so secure anymore and many times will want that person back. If you take your energy away and disconnect for a short period of time, he may really realize how much you ARE a part of his life and he may really miss you. You are not saying that you are leaving….you are just saying you need to take care of yourself a little more. You are not doing it out of anger or frustration….you are doing it out of self love.
You can say something like: “I understand you don’t want pressure however, I don’t know that I can give you that space when I see you go off to work everyday where she is. Reality is, this is killing me inside and I can’t keep watching this or feeling like this every single day. So….how about you move out for a month. If you want to see me, you can initiate that. If you don’t, then you don’t. I am not going to put pressure on you anymore or try to convince you of what you are missing with me. I know I am worth fighting for. I know I am worth loving. I fully believe that you and I have something worth fighting for. If you don’t feel that way at the end of the month, then so be it. I did everything I knew how and I can walk away feeling good about that. If you do, then let’s make our relationship the best it’s ever been and fall madly in love all over again. I want to fight for you, but living in the same space, wondering if you are with her all the time….it’s hurting me beyond what you even know. So it’s time for me to protect myself a little bit. So if we are in separate spaces, I don’t have to wonder. And I think maybe you will have more space to breathe so you can figure out what you want.”
I know this is a long shot as I imagine you don’t even want to entertain this idea, but I thought I would throw it out there anyways.
So as you are choosing to stay, I still stand by what we both are saying to you. Take the focus off of her and start to find gratitude and appreciation for WHAT IS THERE. He has shown some response and improvement over time, so this is a sign that maybe he is softening towards you more. It may take a few more months or it may take a few more weeks to see more of this. Who knows…this is a super sticky and complicated situation. So….you are going to get hurt and feel that anxiety every single day. In the midst of that, you are also going to have to find our patience and continue to do what you are doing…keep giving him compliments, keep appreciating him, keep giving him space, keep getting help behind the scenes, don’t talk about the other woman and hope for the best.
I’m leary about talking about the future with him. He will percieve that as pressure and it sounds like that pressure makes him put walls up against you. You can try it once and see what happens though. You have nothing to really lose at this point. You could maybe say, “I really imagine that someday, all of this will be behind us. I believe we can be happy and madly in love! I want that for us.”
Please keep us updated and keep talking to us here. Maybe something we say helps you through this extremely difficult time. We really appreciate your vulnerability and desire to become a much better partner for your man. He is very lucky to have someone like you fighting for him!
Heidi
Latisha! This is wonderful news! It is wonderful to hear that he initiated for the first time. What did you say in return?
There are many, many situations where these methods work really well. And there are situations where they don’t. So it’s really hard to know how a situation will turn out. Each couple is sooooo different. So it’s always best to help a person learn to be okay no matter how something turns out. If it works, that is wonderful! If it doesn’t work, there is heartache AND being reminded that everything will still be okay. So that’s why sometimes we don’t come across as super encouraging sometimes. We just never know how the techniques will work, so as we guide people through a situation, it’s important that we guide towards success but also teach to be okay with failure as well…..as that is just the nature of love and relationships….you just never know.
I hope there is continued success for you! He initiated and said something pretty wonderful to you, so that is a good sign! Keep us updated.
Heidi
Hi Purnima!
Well done! I think it is so wonderful that you went back to what DID work. Instead of pushing for more, you found peace in that you both were already happy with how things were. Many people can get caught up in wanting more and more and start to control the situation…and that’s where it can really go downhill. I like that you said if it is meant to happen, it will. Good job! Thank you for sharing. I wish you both the best!
Heidi
Hi Monica,
I am soooo happy to hear this! What are you learning that has worked? How have things changed? I always love hearing someone’s experience and how they applied the information being offered.
Heidi
Hi Latisha,
I agree with Kanya’s guidance. I understand how entirely hard it is to not initiate contact. Women in general have a much higher need to connect compared to men. What Kanya said about RESPECTING and honoring that difference is so important. So many times it isn’t even personal. The guy is just in a different world and thinks very differently.
SO yes….stay away and give him some space to initiate with you. The part where you have to be careful with compliments is you have to make sure they are appropriate and most of all organic and authentic. The more you calculate how much to say, when and how often…that’s when compliments turn into a calculation vs. just happening naturally. If every time he responds to you, you respond back with a compliment….it can get old REAL fast. He will instantly feel like you are just saying nice things to him so you can get his attention back….and I know that is not what you want.
If he doesn’t initiate back, what will you do? Who knows if he will respond, but reality is….it’s so important for you to find out what really is there. If the relationship only exists because YOU initiate and keep it going, maybe it’s time for you to really accept that. I think it’s time for you to really find out the truth about the situation. Are you willing to do that?
If not, that is okay too. You can keep initiating and trying to keep things going. At some point, something will shift in either direction anyways. So you have to go down the path that you feel you are ready for.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Natalee,
There is NOTHING easy about what you are going through. My heart goes out to you.
I still am wondering what you are doing for yourself? I am wondering….do you really believe things will be different if he did choose to come back to you? It sounds like you are taking a lot of the blame for his choices. From what you are saying, it sounds like YOU are doing all the work…you are learning how to communicate better, you are learning how to appreciate him more, you are learning how to accept him for who he is….but he really isn’t doing anything on his end. What he is doing is filling up his time with work and having intimate relationships with 2 different women who are fighting over him. YOU are terrified of losing him, but he is not terrified of losing you. I know you don’t want to lose your best friend or your family unit, but reality is, you have already lost some of that. You are fighting for a man who isn’t really fighting for you or his family.
So again…I am asking you….where do you exist in all of this? Your fear is sooooo big about losing him to her, that you are losing yourself in the process. If you do get him back, and you have made all of these wonderful changes and he has not….you are then left feeling very alone and not getting your needs met AGAIN. You are fighting for a man who does not fight for himself. You are the type that grows, learns, makes active changes and he is the type to busy himself, take things personally and not make changes. I would hate to see you work soooo hard to get him back only to end up right back here….you asking him for changes to improve the marriage, him blaming you for not feeling accepted for who he is….and another affair or an ending of some sorts.
Here is the analogy of what is happening for you…. You are in the desert and soooooooo thirsty. You haven’t had water for an incredible amount of time and all you can think about is getting something wet on your tongue. Then you come across a body of water. You run up and you immediately start drinking the water, without looking at what is in the water! All you care about is getting that water in your mouth to quench your undying thirst. You just can’t think of anything else except that water. Problem is, there is poison in the water. You are so focused on just getting a drink that you don’t pay attention to the sign that says the water is toxic and can kill you. And it will kill you. Getting your husband back is all you can think about that you are ignoring all of the warning signs about what that means. He kissed your neck, he hugs you for a long time, he said I love you (you are soo thirsty for his connection and he gives you some and it feels soooo amazing and you think everything might be getting better) AND he wants to go on this trip with the other woman. He says he doesn’t want to hurt HER feelings….what about your feelings? (this is where the water is full of poison. He says he loves you and then wants to go on a trip with the woman he is having an affair with? hmmmmm…..)
I’m not saying you shouldn’t fight for him. I’m saying that it’s pretty crucial that he fights for himself as well. It’s pretty crucial that he decides to no longer ignore or bury all of his feelings and find a different and healthier way to deal with the challenges of marriage. Maybe if he agreed to see a therapist or coach WITH you to work through things….that would give me some hope for you guys. That way….BOTH of you are taking steps to healing and growing, not just you. What about YOU hiring a therapist or coach to walk you through all of this? This is a pretty intense situation and it would be WONDERFUL for you to have someone who will listen to you, validate you, challenge you, help you develop some new skills for yourself etc. Is this possible?
I know that despite the warning signs and red flags, you want your husband back and you want your family back together. Please understand that even if he did come back, nothing will be the same. Everything has changed. He not only has cheated on you, he cheated on his family unit. Your kids are going to have anger to deal with, he will have their anger to deal with. Your family unit has changed because of his choices and your choices….so there will be A LOT to work through….it will be a tough hill to climb not only with his kids but with you as well. My guess is, he knows that and that is maybe why this other woman is still in the running….she has a clean slate. He can escape to her and have good feelings…no anger, no judgment, no kids to deal with….it’s just easy compared to what he would have to face if he were to choose coming back home.
What are your thoughts about all of this?
Heidi
Hi Purnima!
What an interesting situation. I am curious…what all of a sudden happen that caused you to shift? The way you explained everything didn’t sound very one sided. It sounded like he was responding to you. What happened?
Heidi
Hi Monica,
It sounds like neither of you are in a really good place right now. I think your approach is best for right now. If you keep things light, focus on what IS working and on the positive aspects that do exist and just relax. Let things develop very slowly as you figure out your life and he figures out his. The more time you guys take by just dating and slowly getting to know each other while you still have separate lives….it just may be the healthiest thing to do if you are going to ever make it long term. The more you try to define the “relationship” the more he will want to resist.
Maybe read “What Men Secretly Want” and “Secret Obsession Compliments.” You can begin to implement a lot of that advice, just to practice and see what happens.
Out of curiosity….when you didn’t talk to him for 2 weeks and you pulled your energy back, what did he respond like? Did he show that he missed you or wanted to connect at all? or was it just radio silence for 2 weeks until you contacted him again?
Heidi
Maybe we can help you with him? Why do you think he is not ready to commit to you? What makes your relationship complicated?
Hi Monica!
This is a GREAT question! We are so glad you are here.
My inclination is to agree with your insticts. Being that your relationship is not quite established yet and he is not ready to fully commit, buying a watch for him can create a funny reaction for him, especially since it may make him feel “less than” vs. empowered. You can get really creative and maybe create a memory with him vs. a gift. Or do a few smaller gifts that don’t have a big price tag on them. That would be more appropriate for the stage you guys are at. And maybe even let him know you got a few small, fun things for him. That way it may releive him of any pressure, thinking he would have to compete with you.
You can say something like, “Xmas is coming up and I just want to talk about how we spend it together and what feels comfortable. Maybe we can wake up and make our favorite breakfast. Then I have a few small stocking stuffers I want to give you. Then what might be fun is find somewhere we can go volunteer. Maybe we can help feed families, maybe we can go get a ton of blankets and pass them out, maybe we can go walk some dogs at a shelter. It would feel good to go with you and spend the day helping others. What do you think?”
This way, the focus is on creating some memories together and maybe even a tradition.
Does this idea feel good for you?
Lastly, I wonder if he would be willing to find someone help him through this time. It is a very difficult time and something that is best handled with help….from expert eyes. A coach could help give him some objectivity and help him manuever this time in his life much better.
Sorry for all the broen up resopnses…my computer had a mind of it’s own today.
How do you feel about all of this? I know that what I am suggesting is VERY hard to imagine or even execute.
Heidi
The idea is…when he feels that you are okay, it gives him the space to not have to worry about you, fix you or make you feel better all the time.
So I still stand by the concept of letting him be who he needs to be right now and keep things light and easy right now. Go on dates and focus on re-connecting and developing your friendship. Create memories with him.
And it wouldn’t be a bad thing to even let him know your intent. You can say something like, “Listen…I get you are confused and maybe feel lost right now. It’s okay. It’s hard for me, but you know what? It’s giving me an opportunity to work on myself as well. I could work on loving myself better. I could work on dealing with my emotional reactions better. So as you take this time to figure out who you are, I am going to do the same. So I want to take the pressure off. I am going to just change my focus. Instead of constantly figuring out what I can do to get you to choose me, I am going to focus on just developing my frienship with you. If you choose me or not choose me, I will be okay. I am worth choosing and fighting for and until you realize that….or not realize that….let’s just work on creating memories together and becoming better friends. Now of course this does not mean I won’t want you in my bed or I won’t want to have passionate kisses for you…because I do have that desire…but I can put that on the back burner and make other things more important for right now. So how do you feel about that approach? Maybe we try it for 3 or 4 weeks and see what happens?”
Hi Natalee,
I understand your need to want to understand him on a deeper level. Why do men feel lost? Being lost is a human thing, not just for men. When someone feels “lost” there is usually something very deep inside of them that needs to be dealt with. My best guess, according to the information you are giving me, is that there is something much deeper happening here for him. This is about something much more than him needing to decide between you and another woman. That’s the surface issue. There is something much deeper and uncomfortable happening in his spirit. This is a place inside a person you cannot touch with words, because it is very personal. Many times, when I have worked with a person feeling lost, they don’t even know why, they can’t quite explain what is happening….it’s just this uncomfortable feeling they have deep inside and usually something messy is also happening in their life without resolution. Someone who is not well versed to understand what this feeling is, how to handle it, how to embrace it etc….well, life gets really difficult. It feels cloudy, it feels uncomfortable and unstable.
You are trying to understand him and help him through your words and actions and using logic to reason with him about this other woman. You are trying to decifer his reactions to you as to whether they are good or bad. I would encourage you to stop focusing so much on him. This will only create a ton more pressure on him which will cause his cloudiness to increase dramatically. It’s an awful feeling to hear “I love you” and not be able to say it back. It’s an awful feeling to hear “I miss you in my bed” and not be able to feel the same in return. If he is feeling lost, add on top of that the pressure to try to make you feel happy, make the other woman happy and figure out who he is in the middle of all of this. I’m not justifying his choices….I guess I am just wanting to maybe add another perspective about what he might be going through and maybe a better approach. I don’t know….you will have to give it a shot and see what happens.
So if he is feeling the way I am guessing he is feeling, the best thing you can do for him is to live your own life. When he sees that you are okay with him being in a “lost” place and needing him to be any different than that….it will help him relax a little and possibly feel resolved sooner than later. Anytime he has to re-assure you, reject you, comfort you when you challenge him about the other woman….it puts him in the mode of having to manage you vs. really being with you and getting to be himself. So what you can maybe try is figure out how to be there for him without needing anything from him. So in a way, you are creating distance, but not leaving him so to speak. For example, it would mean saying “I love you” without needing him to say it back. It would mean saying, “My bed is open for you whenever you are ready. But I am okay where you are right now as well. You don’t need to respond….I just want you to know…that’s all.” It’s means no longer talking about the other woman. I know you want him to disconnect from her, but you need to let that go. They work together and as long as that is true, she will always be a part of his life. You will have to really work on not comparing yourself to her. Your husband is not a contest to win. The moment you compete against another woman, the moment you lose sight of your own value. If you truly new that you were worth a gazillion dollars and any person who gets to have you in their life is blessed….then she would not matter. Your husband’s choice would not matter. Because truth be told….whether your husband chooses you or not, it doesn not make you more or less valuable or worth loving. You are worth loving and fighting for, just because you are. Whether your husband sees that or feels that doesn’t change that fact. Whenever you compete against another woman, you are losing sight of that fact.
So that’s why I really want you to connect to yourself and find your value, SEPARATE from your husband’s choice. Funny thing is….sooooo many times I have coached people into that place….where I have them focus on self love vs. trying to earn love from their partner….and when they finally get it and start to take care of themselves and start to choose themselves and let the idea of their partner’s choice be whatever it is and find peace in it…..their partner feels that shift and are greatly attracted to it. It’s the principle of “You can only love another as much as you love yourself.” The more self love and care, the more attractive you become to someone who respects that and honors that.
So maybe work on not trying to figure him out anymore. If you start to view yourself and feel yourself as the most valuable person in his life (despite his lack of connection with you), then he may align with you, sooner than later. But knowing and feeling that is a very quiet choice. It’s a personal, inside process for you only….not something to be said to him. He will feel it from you because you will start to treat yourself differently. You will find your power in the middle of this versus feeling desparate. You will find peace in this vs. feeling chaotic and powerless.
Hi Latisha!
Well, you can turn that situation into a compliment and an apology.
Here is maybe a way you could say it….”I was reading this book about relationships and it talked about how important it is to listen and how to listen. It really brought to light AGAIN about my challenge of interrupting you or talking over you. Again, I am so sorry. I really want to get better at that. One thing I am going to be more aware of is waiting until you feel heard and validated before I head into how I feel. So I want to practice listening, then repeating what you say so I make sure that I am hearing what you need me to hear. THEN I can add in my side of things. I will be far from great at this, as it takes practice, but just know I want to practice. But I do have to say that I respect you a lot for protecting yourself and walking away when I am not being a good listener. You still may need to do that sometimes…it’s always a good wake up call for me when you do that.”
A good way to create compliments is to let them happen naturally vs. forcing them. And the way it happens naturally is if you all of a sudden read something, hear something, remember something about him and then you find yourself smiling as you are thinking about him…you just tell him. For example….”I was out shopping and saw the ugliest xmas sweater on the face of the planet! I just started laughing because it reminded me of you and how sweet and wonderful you are to wear those sweaters your mom gives you during xmas. You are so sweet to do that and it just makes me smile!”
Or….”I was spending some time writing down everything I am grateful for. And I wanted to share with you the first thing that came to mind. I am grateful that you are the kind of man that has the strength to be very authentic. I never have to worry about what you are really thinking or feeling. You are a good role model for me.”
Does this make sense? The idea behind compliments is not to say them just to say them. Offer him a compliment when you think about it and then tell the story of how that compliment came to your mind. That way the person can appreciate how you thought about them and why you thought about them.
Does that make sense?
Heidi
Hi Latisha,
I’m so glad to hear he is responding more!!! Yay!!!
This is a great question you are asking….I personally feel that apologies are so much more powerful when they are specific. It lets the person on the receiving end know that you are thinking the same thing as them. It lets them know EXACTLY what you are sorry for. You can say something like, “I want to apologize. I have really thought about this and I am realizing how I have been quite dis-respectful towards you many times and that makes me sad. The first moment that comes to mind is when I said………………..I am working on it. I want to be better at it because I do not want you to feel that way. So do me a favor and the next time you are starting to see this side of me rear it’s ugly head, will you just do the time out signal. That way I will know that I am heading down a slippery slope and that I need to stop. If I don’t stop, feel free to protect yourself and walk away and say to me that we will talk about it later when i am more cooled down. What do you think about that plan?”
This way, you are being specific and a little general…AND more importantly, you are implementing an ACTION / PLAN to let him know that your apology is more than just words.
How do you feel about this approach?
Heidi
