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Hi Cindy!
I am sorry for what you are going through. I can feel your hurt and your desire to want him back.
There might be a way to get him back, but even if you did get him back, the more serious and underlying issue is why he ended it in the first place. Has he been clear as to why he broke it off with you? you say it was up and down a lot. Does that mean you guys argued a lot? Do you know why his friends would advise him against being with you?
It is not an unusual reaction to make you the “bad guy” so to speak. Most of the time, that is just a defense mechanism. If he can stay angry at you and keep everyone around him angry at you as well, it helps him to stay disconnected instead of trying to go back to you (not that he is aware that he is doing that though)
What have you tried to do to get him back so far? And what does he respond like to your attempts?
Heidi
Hi Anita.
Thank you for writing in and taking a chance here. I am glad you are reaching out! You are in a really tough situation. I am so sorry you are in a miserable marriage. I am wondering….what is stopping you from disconnecting? Or maybe I should ask, what is keeping you in a miserable marriage? I know you have 3 children and maybe it is easier for you to be miserable in the marriage but stay and have a house and maybe help from your husband. I don’t know.
There are a 3 main things I would like to invite you to think about.
1. I’m going to guess that you have never really done the online dating thing. There is this VERY COMMON phenomenon that happens to most everyone. It’s fascinating to me. They meet someone online and there is this INCREDIBLE chemistry that can begin. They message each other all the time, they talk on the phone and everything is wonderful. THEN, they meet for the first time and within an INSTANT the chemistry is just not there. It was easy and wonderful over technology, but person to person, it just doesn’t work. This has happened to me a handful of times as well. It’s because our imagination is SO much stronger and more creative than reality. When we meet someone over technology, it is our imagination that creates this person to be who they are, because that’s all we have. Then when we meet in person, reality goes up against whatever our imagination created and many times, reality is not near as wonderful. I’m telling you this because my first piece of guidance I want to offer is for you to slow way down. You hardly know this person. Yes, the connection is strong, but that connection has no substance to it until you meet him and feel him and see him and be around him. He could VERY EASILY be making up his profiles, pictures and who he is for some reason to serve his purposes. Maybe he isn’t, but reality is, you don’t really know and you are ready to leave your husband for him and hand over your heart to him. MAJOR DANGER you are stepping into!
And just a thought….I ALWAYS am suspicious of an attractive man online looking to connect. Attractive men get a TON of attention just in their day to day life. Anywhere you look, an attractive man will have followers and usually his pick of the litter. If he is online reaching out to a woman across the world, I think 1 of 2 things. Either that picture is not what he really looks like or there is something off about his personality that he has to look online for a woman across the world who could never see him or really know him. I am suspicious of this guy. I could be totally wrong, but I could also be accurate. All I am suggesting is to keep this in mind. There is a pretty big problem of this happening online. I have read and heard a TON of stories of people being fooled through online venues.
2. He does not want to live in the U.S. So you want to build a relationship with a guy that lives on the other side of the world and whose mother will not accept you and your children? How do you expect to build an honest and authentic relationship with this guy? Do you want to move there or maybe hoping he will change his mind?
3. You say that you can’t disconnect from him. I get it and completely understand. You are in a marriage where you are very unhappy and then this attractive man shows up and gives you attention and makes you feel how you want to feel. OF COURSE you cannot disconnect!! It’s like you are in the desert and haven’t had water for days. You are sooooooo thirsty and then finally come across this small spring. You are so thirsty that you have to have a drink or you will die. Problem is, you are so thirsty that you don’t even look to make sure that spring is drinkable. The water may be polluted and carry toxins that could actually make you very sick or even kill you. Because you are so thirsty, you can’t even think about something like that. All you know is that you need something wet in your mouth, regardless of the consequences. The problem is, you are so out of balance and unhappy that getting attention is very powerful for you….and the amount of power it has over you is making you ignore the guilty feelings you have, making you ready to leave your husband for a guy you have never met and you are willing to put your children through all of that.
This is why I want to guide you to slow down quite a bit. You are unhappy and need to make some changes in your life. If you want to help yourself disconnect more from him and get back to being more balanced instead of being consumed by this guy, then you have got to start making it a priority to meet your own needs. You are wanting this guy, who is across the world, to meet your needs because you won’t do it for yourself. It’s definitely much more fun and easy that way, but there are some pretty big consequences you will be facing if you continue to give this guy that much power.
He disappears quite a bit and you have no idea what is going on. He claims he is bad at communicating, but reality is, that is ALL you guys have so that doesn’t work very well for building a relationship. If there are other women, there is not way he would be honest about that because he would hurt you and lose you AND he is pretty safe to lie because there is no way for you to find out. Truth be told, he hasn’t changed. He is going to continue to disappear. He has heard you and validated you, but nothing has changed. Your feelings don’t matter enough to him to care to make changes that are agreeable for both of you.
Being that the connection is so strong for you and you feel like you can’t disconnect, the best thing you can do is to start to add more fun in your life. What are some things that you can do to make you laugh and have some fun? I understand that having triplets probably makes the thought of that impossible. But you are in a DANGER ZONE right now and you have got to start fighting for yourself or you will end up making some very risky decisions that could make your life a gazillion times worse. It’s time for you to start paying attention to yourself and your needs. I would also highly recommend getting some help. Is there a coach or therapist that can work with? It will help to have someone on a weekly basis to validate you, offer clear perspectives and help you through what is going on inside of you.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am so sorry you have been unhappy for that long. It wears down the soul. Self esteem starts to go down the tubes, depression or anxiety gets worse and you end up spending morning to night in survival mode….AND you have triplets! Holy smokes you have soooooo much to deal with. I wish there were some magic words that I could say to make you feel better and help you through this. What I wrote may not be what you wanted to hear, but something I feel I needed to warn you about. There is no judgment here of your choices. Believe me, I totally get it and don’t blame you at all. I just want to help you be aware of what you are walking into.
How does all of what I said make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Nikitha,
I’m sorry for the confusing advice. I know Kanya and I presented different ideas. I agree with what she advised as that approach has worked many times. The reason why I offered a different approach is because you seemed to really have a high need to have some closure. Being patient and playing hard to get seemed really uncomfortable for you. Reality is, you are holding onto how he “used to be” and not being present with what is happening RIGHT NOW. One way to get a reality check is just to be direct about it. I know he may say what you don’t want to hear, but wouldn’t you rather know where he is at vs. playing hard to get and dealing with rejection every single day? It just seems you might be at more peace if you deal with this directly.
I will confirm that he is not interested anymore. Whether it’s another woman or he just lost the fire because there is too much distance….it doesn’t matter. All you know is that he is no longer responding and he has pulled away. The HARDEST part about all of this, is there is distance, so it really limits you in being able to pull him back. BUT, if you talk to him directly and find out what happened, it may be something fixable. It may not be something fixable….I don’t know. I just know that talking about this openly will create some closure for both of you instead of sitting and waiting for him all the time. OR….you can wait until December to see if he invites you to see him. Are you comfortable waiting for that long?
The choice is really yours and what you feel comfortable with doing. Reality is, all of this is a guessing game anyways, because there is NEVER any guarantee of how the other person will respond to your choices. You can continue to stay away OR you can face this head on and be direct. Either approach could work or could not work. YOU have to decide what you want. If you stay disconnected but then constantly feel rejected every day because he is not contacting you, then maybe being direct will help you get some much needed closure. If you can disconnect and move on with your life and not be bothered too much by him not responding, then great!!! This is more about YOU and not about him. This is about you creating the design you want in an experience. If someone is not in alignment with what you need, then you have a choice to make to either give up those needs or fight for them. You are the one in control here, not him.
Does this make more sense?
Heidi
Hi Maria,
This is a bit tough to know which direction is good for you. There are many variables involved here that could influence the outcome. I’m going to be the devil’s advocate for a second and why your plan may not work:
1. You are long distance, therefore disconnecting and not responding to him can be ineffective and just cause him to get used to not hearing from you. You both already lead very separate lives, so the ONLY contact you guys have is through texting. Stopping that can make it very easy for him to disconnect as well because he doesn’t feel this GIANT thing missing from his day. If you lived in the same area, he would notice everything is different about his day because you guys combined your lives.
2. You are not being completely honest with him. You are sending mixed signals of being completely distant for awhile and then wanting to send him a sexy picture. One of the biggest complaints I get from men is that they are always confused. The women are saying 1 thing and then doing another and the guy can’t keep up. The woman is wanting to pull something from him to get her needs met, but she is doing it in ways that are not direct, which is how men tend to respond to best. Most men LOVE and respond to being told EXACLTY what needs to happen. They are much less apt at reading signs and figuring things out that way compared to women.
3. You love him, but you won’t be honest with him. How is he ever supposed to really know you unless you are vulnerable with him and trust him with your feelings. That is how the foundation of relationships are built well….honest communication and an ability to work through those challenges. You are not giving him the chance to work through anything WITH you.
I remember you writing in before but can’t remember all the details, so I can’t remember if you have said anything to him before. If you did, what did he say about it?
I will tell you that dropping hints at what you need from him may not be enough. Sometimes, it takes a big gesture for the guy to really get what you are saying. This game you are playing with him is controlling. You are the one in control and he is floundering, not having a clue as to what you really want. So what is stopping you from being very direct and finding out what you BOTH are made of TOGETHER and talk about how you are feeling and work through it?
If this were a brand new relationship, I absolutely understand the “playing hard to get” kind of thing. It is because you love him and that means the relationship is on a deeper level, that I am suggesting to take a different approach and allow yourself to be heard, be seen and be felt by him. Give him that chance to take care of you better. Give him that chance to validate you. Give him that chance to grow. Give your relationship the chance to work through something difficult which can bring you closer together.
You can always just say something like, “I love you. I want us to be honest, authentic and build a strong foundation. I want to share how I am feeling with you and work through it together. It will be good practice for us! There was a time in the beginning where I felt like we were on the same page. We spent some amazing time together and it felt like you were really interested in continuing to be with me. Then something changed in that pattern and I started to feel like our dates were shorter and that something else was tugging at your time. That has caused me to put some walls up. It hurts. I want to move forward with you and keep growing with you, but I feel like we are on different pages than before. So how about we have a very honest talk about what you need, what I need and let’s figure out how to get back on the same page. You are worth fighting for to me. I feel amazing with you and I have so much fun and to be honest, I miss you.”
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Debi!
Thank you for writing in and taking a chance here!
You have some good questions and a sticky situation. I first want to encourage you about your fear of him lying to you. There is one side of you that will be fearful more easily than others, because your last husband lied to you so much. AND….at the same time, you are VERY familiar with what lying can look and feel like. Something in you is uncomfortable and regardless, it’s important for you to pay attention to that. That uncomfortableness may be fear or it may be accurate….and reality is, you cannot tell the difference because it all feels exactly the same. So what do you do? I encourage people to gather more information. Ask questions, do some under cover research, talk directly about it. There are many approaches and you need to decide what works best for you until you feel resolved. If you are getting more information showing you that he is NOT lying yet you continue to pursue looking for more information and you still feel uncomfortable, then you know you are dealing more with your fear.
And when you asked him if he is using you and to just tell you, no man in his right mind would be honest about that! He would not want to bear the hurt that would cause you and if he IS using you, admitting to it would mean he would not get to use you anymore, because I imagine you would cut things off. So a better way to handle something like that is instead of asking if he is using you, talk about how you are feeling used and talk about how it would be nice if you guys could create a different design. If you don’t want to feel used (I imagine you feel used for your money) then set some boundaries. Stop giving him money and paying for everything and see how you both endure something like that together. Does he stay or does he go? When people feel used, it really is not about the other person, it is about themselves. They are not setting boundaries and they are feeling “walked all over” so to speak. So the power is really in your hands about asking for what you need. He is going to treat you how he does until you tell him otherwise. Would you be interested in setting some boundaries and asking for something different so you don’t feel used anymore? You can say something like, “I care about you and I have so much fun with you and it is because of that, that I want to work through something with you. I am feeling used and I know you say that you are not using me. This is really about me and just simply needing to create something a little different for myself. I am not setting boundaries for myself and it is causing me to lose myself. So I would like to set some boundaries now and see how it goes. We can try this for 3 months and then let’s check back in and talk about it. I’ve decided that I am no longer going to pay for vacations, loan you money or pay for our outings anymore. I am however, absolutely willing to pay for my part, as I know you have little money right now. I know this may mean that we won’t go out as much, but you know what??? We can get creative! We can find ways of enjoying each other’s company without needing to spend money. We can play card games, we can cook dinners together, we can go volunteer somewhere together…I don’t know. All I know is that this is important for me and my growth as a person and our growth as a couple. What do you think?”
Does this make sense? You have full capability to take back your power and be part of the design of this relationship.
What are your thoughts about this?
I want to address your concern of him cheating on you real quick. Again, before you start making up a story as to why he is not around as much, see if you can gather information in a more indirect way. Do you have any ideas about how you can do that?
Heidi
Hi Danna,
Interesting. His father was selfish (narcissistic type of behavior) which usually attracts a more dependent type of partner. That could mean that his mother spent most of her time meeting everyone else’s needs except her own. Whatever the details of his parents, they were the role models. It sounds like he may have picked up some of those qualities of being selfish role modeled by his father maybe. He may have a great relationship with his mom, but it doesn’t mean it is a healthy one. If she spends her time obligingly serving him and he gets his needs met, everyone would be happy in the roles they agreed to, but not necessarily in a healthy way. Who knows….
I want you to consider for a moment that everything he accused you of, has some truth in it….for him. Here is an example. Let’s just say that his mother gave him everything he wanted and didn’t ask for much in return from him. Then here you are asking for things from him. For you, coming from an over-controlling background, you have toned it down quite a bit and don’t think you are controlling at all, but for him, coming from an under-controlling background, it feels like a lot for him. Everyone’s perspective about a situation usually has a grain of truth in it.
You are defensive about what he says and his experiences about you….at least in these messages. I want to invite you to see how maybe HIS experience does have some truth in it….FOR HIM. It does not mean that it is true, it just means it is HIS truth. When someone criticizes me, I really try to look at how it could be true what they are saying. Then I try to filter, the best I can between it being THEIR truth or a truth in general. I look at past experiences and see if I have heard that same type of criticism before, what exactly did I do to make them feel that way and finally….do I need to pay attention to it or decide to not give it much authority in my life?
It’s not a bad idea that you offered about getting his testosterone checked. Something is very different and hormones or some type of chemistry could totally be off. It’s too bad that he is not willing to fight for himself. It also makes me so sad that the therapist made you feel ganged up on. Sadly, I have heard that over and over from couples over the years. Their experiences are that a therapist had a tendency to take sides and nothing really got resolved and sometimes the couple was worse off.
Bottom line is, he has changed. He is who he is today and sadly, he is mean spirited and not interested at all in working on himself. I am so sorry! It’s such a powerless feeling.
I am glad to hear that you are working on yourself and moving forward instead of trying to rescue him in some way. From what it sounds like, your efforts would just be met with more resistance and verbal abuse and that would break you down even further.
Do you have anyone who is able to help you through this and process all of your hurt feelings??
Heidi
Hi Danna,
I am so sorry about what you are dealing with. It’s awful. It’s so sad. He really is missing out on growing and learning with you. It seems that he would rather be in pain than to work through it and that is always a sad choice when someone takes that path.
I first want to help you understand “why” he is making a choice like this. I obviously don’t know the details of who he is, so I will speak in general terms. My first instinct is that he feels very resentful from what you are describing AND he is very connected to you as well. He is split. One side of him loves you, connects with you, is your best friend and the other side of him is resentful, angry and hurt. I imagine that those pretty intense, darker emotions started waaaaaay before he met you. Whatever he is hurting about, it’s lived there a loooong time and finally reached it’s tipping point.
As young people, we are so much more resilient. We are able to survive very challenging events in life. However, if someone never works through those intense events, the emotions and feelings about those events stay stored in the mind and body. Then over time, those emotions become bigger and bigger because usually other things will happen in life that feel similar. For example, let’s say he was always picked last for the sports teams at recess as a kid. He would store that hurt and feel rejected and then anytime something else happened where he felt rejected (he got stood up on a date), it would just make the original wound of rejection to grow even bigger. Eventually, it is not uncommon for someone to have a “break” so to speak. They can only carry that baggage that gets heavier and heavier for so long, before they just can’t take it anymore. That is why, many times, you see older people (usually over 50 – brain chemistry changes for men around that age especially – it’s around 30 for women) where diseases show up, life transitions happen and people are more bitter, angry and unhappy. Their emotional system does not have the resilience that was there as a younger person, so all that baggage begins to creep into their life and rear it’s ugly head. That is why is it CRUCIAL to always process anything that causes pain. You don’t want anything to build up. It will ruin your life someday, as it has your husband’s.
So basically, one side of him (the adult) was much stronger for awhile, taking the driver’s seat and being a husband to you. Now, the other side to him, the childish side throwing a tantrum, is taking a turn at the driver’s seat. And it is soooooo strong. How long he chooses to let that side of him stay in control? Who knows….everyone is different. Reality is, he needs some help. If he is ever to get control of this side of him, he needs to face whatever started this in first place and work on forgiving. It was his child who sat on the couch while you worked like crazy. And it is his child who is resentful of you. When you participated in that design, you were playing the role of his mother, so I imagine a lot of his anger might be coming from his experiences with his mom. It is his child who is saying all those mean and hurtful things to you. He is hurting so badly (although he probably only feels anger at this point) and you are the closest, easiest and probably most satisfying target for all his hurt.
Reality is, there is nothing you can do except to protect yourself from further hurt at this point. He flipped the switch, so it is crucial for you to stay out of the way. You do not need to be taken down with him. He has YEARS built up inside of him and he has lost control. His anger, hurt and resentment are in the driver’s seat right now. He is the one who needs to figure this out. If you try to help him through this, there will be many battle wounds you will incur along the way AND you will be playing the mommy role again for him. He needs to rescue himself now.
Love yourself enough to not allow him to use you as a target anymore. Love him enough (unconditionally like you said) to let him be who he needs to be right now and forgive him and let him go. He needs to take this path he has chosen. And maybe this path will take him into enough discomfort that he will finally get some help.
Even though you have been together for 27 years and caused him hurt many times, because that is what we do as humans, you are not responsible for his hurt. An adult would talk with you through things (which it sound likes he used to)….a child will throw a tantrum, blame and lash out. An adult is able to reason and take responsibility….a child is pure emotion and does not react from logic, care and concern. So for now, he is pure child….and he gets to do that. There obviously are HUGE consequences to this, so it’s best to let him experience that and move on with your life.
I think I will just leave it at that for now. Have you ever thought about it this way? If you worked with a therapist (good job) then I imagine this may not be new information for you.
I am so sorry. It’s just so sad. It’s heartbreaking. You know the other side to him that is wonderful and connective and that’s what can make this soooo difficult. You have to let that side of him go. I’m just so sorry!
We would love to hear your thoughts on this!
heidi
Hi again!
I have no idea if this will resonate with you, but I was watching this and for some reason felt the desire to share it. Hope you enjoy!!!
Heidi
Hi Nikitha,
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know you don’t want a heartbreak….it feels awful and is very confusing, especially when there are no clear answers.
Just because a guy is with a girl for 5 years does not mean he is not capable of dating more than 1 woman. Many people will sometimes go on a “shopping spree” so to speak, especially if they were cheated on.
Here is the thing Nikitha….I know you were both were on the same exact page for 7 months. Now he has changed. If you keep living in the past, you will only keep being disappointed. It’s crucial for you to stay present and see him FOR WHO HE IS TODAY!!
You don’t want a heartbreak and you are doing everything to get him back, but reality is, he is hardly responding. Are you sure you want to keep fighting for a guy that is CLEARLY letting you know that his feelings for you have changed? SOMETHING has changed and he is not honoring you by letting you know his truth.
Why not just confront this head on? Ask him again. I would say something like, “Listen….we used to text every day and there was a lot of communication. Now there is barely any connection and now we talk once a week, if that. You are being very cordial with me. Obviously something has changed. What happened? Are you no longer interested? Did you meet someone else? Either way, something has changed and it feels like we are no longer on the same page….whether that means you needing to break this off or you want to re-connect and see each other in December, can we talk about this?”
You don’t know the guy very well and when you start an intimate relationship LONG DISTANCE….the odds immediately are stacked against you both. There is no way to build a relationship except through technology and most people NEED much more than that to get attached to someone. There needs to be touch, kissing, cuddling, seeing each other’s expressions, flirting, going places and creating memories together…all that stuff is the fuel that keeps the fire going. All you guys have had are words and imagination of who each other are and that is a VERY weak fuel for the fire.
Nikitha, it may be time to hit this head on and find out what’s going on and stop driving yourself crazy waiting for texts and playing hard to get. It’s driving you crazy! And what is driving you crazy is that you don’t have any answers. So get some. Wouldn’t you rather talk about this with him and get clear about what’s going on? THEN you can be at peace and move in whatever direction you both decide.
You are strong enough to handle whatever happens. Heartbreak….the worst case scenario here….is only temporary. You will hurt as you let the idea of him go AND YOU WILL HEAL and find your happiness again. Right now, you are so afraid of losing him that you are letting yourself be treated as an after thought. DO NOT let your fear of hurting keep you in a relationship where you are not getting your needs met. You are hurting anyways….every single day. You are feeling rejected by him….every single day. You deserve more than that. Maybe it’s time you fought to be treated the way you deserve. the way all of this started out. Do you not trust in yourself enough that you will be okay if this does not turn out the way you would like?
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Beverly!
Thank you for writing in and trusting us with this personal situation of yours! You are asking some great questions…important questions!
The BIGGEST challenge about a new relationship, is dealing with the chemistry. It can feel sooooooo amazing and can strongly influence us to ignore the red flags. The chemistry can speed things up super fast, but can also cause a crash just as quickly. With any relationship, it’s advisable to take things slow if you are wanting something more serious….which sounds like is what you need. If you were just playing around and having fun, that’s a different story.
I can tell you right now that you are both on different pages. You are committed, he is not. You are inviting him into your life, he is not. You are pursuing / initiating and being VERY connective with all your pictures and texting / sexting and he is not (at least not as much as you are). My advice would be to slow this WAY down. He has done very little to earn your trust and your heart (the most valuable part of who you are!)
What I suggest first BEFORE anything is to decide what you want….THEN you can talk to him about that. So what is the design of relationship you are seeking with him?
Whatever he has done with other ladies up to now, doesn’t matter. There has been no real discussion nor agreement as “what” the parameters are. The only major thing to be careful of is to make sure he not married.
When you figure out what you want with him, let us know and then we can advise you about what would be a good next move. Either way though, I absolutely would invite you to be less available. Less pictures, less initiating….give him the chance to pursue you. If you are constantly pursuing, he doesn’t get to or have to do anything. When you pull back and give him the space to be the pursuer, you will learn a lot about him.
Does all of this make sense?
Hi Ki,
It sounds like you are very clear about what you want, but just struggling to accept your choice. I hope you find peace in your choice. It’s sooooo easy to say “let it go” and fully accept and embrace your choice, but hardly easy to do.
Keep focusing on yourself in the meantime.
Do you have anymore questions or want to discuss this further?
Heidi
Hi Barbara!
I’m sorry to hear this. I know how hard it is to feel bad about hurting someone and then they won’t let you make it up to them. I do just want to mention that it’s important for you to see this about him. This is who he is when his feelings get hurt. He disconnects from you and punishes you by being nasty and then pulling his energy back from you. I want you to know and be aware that this is how he is going to treat you in the future as well. This is how he will treat you whenever you cause him hurt. He is revengeful and most likely holds grudges.
Now onto your question. Give him a little time. He is hurt and that revengeful spirit will eventually subside. One of the best ways to deal with a revengeful type of person is to take away their ability to revengeful by not participating and setting a boundary. I know this may sound scary because you might thing it will push him away, but it actually can pull him back faster than anything AND also help teach him a different way to deal with you.
You set a boundary by teaching him how to treat you. Nasty messages and disconnecting is not okay for you. You can say something like this:
“listen, I am so sorry that I hurt you. I care very deeply for you and it makes me sad that I caused you pain. It’s the last thing I want to ever do. I want to resolve this with you and talk to you about it, but you are obviously not ready for that. I have made many attempts to re-connect, but it’s just not working. So I’m just going to stop trying and let you take your time. Whenever you are ready to discuss this and resolve things, I am hear for you. I miss you and I love you.”
Revenge is something that can only serve him if you participate and it is a child-like way of handling things. By not participating and disconnecting, you are asking him to connect with you like an adult. Does this make sense?
How do you feel about saying something like this?
Heidi
Hi Louise!
I am so sorry to hear this. You must feel crushed! Being mature adults doesn’t mean you invite home whomever you want. Although the relationship is very new, you have spent so much time together which means a lot of bonding and growing together, so to come across this discovery hurts like crazy.
Since you do have trust issues in the past, I am wondering if you checked his phone when he wasn’t looking somehow? If yes, this can be a bit tricky, because if you confront him on this, you will have to admit that you were snooping on his phone which can lead to a trust issue on his end.
Truth is, you won’t be able to let this go and ignore it. You already have trust issues and now you feel like he broke your trust now, so everything he does and says is going to cause you suspicion. You will already have walls up around your heart just out of a natural reaction and he will feel that. So I think the best thing for you to do is clear the air and talk with him.
You can admit to seeing his phone and what you read. Being that you already have trust issues in the past, it’s important for you to talk with him about what happened and have an honest conversation. It is VERY important for you to stay open and listen and have a curious mindset so that he can feel safe to be open and honest with you instead of defensive and shut off. Gather information and see what he has to say about it all. THEN you can decide what you feel comfortable doing at that point once you have more information about it.If you don’t talk to him about it, you (just like any of us) will just make up stories in your head and it will drive you nuts! That is not healthy for you. This will be a good test for you both to see how you both handle this kind of stressful and emotional situation. You will learn something about him by how he responds and treats you. You will learn something about you guys TOGETHER and how you handle this kind of challenge. It can actually turn into something very bonding and way that trust can be built even more!
How do you feel about this? Do you feel okay about talking to him?Heidi
Hi Karisa,
I would suggest reading “What Men Secretly Want.” There is a lot of good information about how to build respect and healthy communication when talking about your needs. I know you don’t want to sound “needy.” How you communicate your needs will make all the difference in the world in how he receives it.
Also, I want to encourage you to really accept him exactly for who he is. The trap that many women fall into is fighting for a guy and falling in love with his potential. If you really want to fight for this guy, do it without expecting him to change. He is who he is right now. He deserves to be loved and accepted “as is” and not for who he could be. What if he never changes? If he does change, it needs to come from him. The more he feels the pressure from you to change by being more consistent and reliable and open, the more he will most likely shut down. So as Kanya was saying, step back. Let him be who he is, take it slow and see if just leaving him alone will help him feel more safe to open up with you. AND….just make sure you don’t lose yourself in the process. It’s very easy to get caught up in fighting for a guy who is not really emotionally available and lose yourself along the way.
Go read “What Men Secretly Want” and let us know more of your thoughts and questions!
Heidi
Hi Ki,
I am so sorry for what you are going through! I can understand the battle you are dealing with. I want to offer a different approach and maybe it would give you a direction that makes you feel more comfortable. 2 main things I want to point out:1. If I were your therapist, I would not spend any time on trying to convince you to leave or stay. What I would want to focus on is the fact that you are betraying yourself. You are monogamous. You want a deep, committed and healthy relationship that can go the distance, yet you are choosing to participate in something that is not supporting you and the way you function…..you instead of choosing to have a relationship with rejection and jealousy and you are miserable. As your therapist, I would want to understand the root cause and belief system that makes this okay for you. You have been very uncomfortable and jealous for 5 years and you are willing to live that way for the rest of your life. So this situation is not really about him at all. This is about you. You are giving your power away. So what is causing this? Usually, there are some underlying wounds, deep inside, that influence decisions like this. Past relationships, bad experiences, poor parenting…..who knows, but something is driving you to stay in this. I know you want to believe it is all about love. You love him THAT much that you are willing to fight for him and change. Of course you love him and have a lot of history with him AND there is a point where love is not enough. Beyond love, there needs to be respect, generosity, care, compromise, trust and support by BOTH people. So as a therapist, I would also want to look at where you got your definition of love from? I would want to look at where you first learned about love and my PRIMARY focus through all of that….my PRIMARY goal would be to help learn to love YOURSELF better.
2. The 2nd aspect I would want you to do is to continue finding ways to bring joy into your life and build your self esteem. What kinds of things are you doing away from him to have fun? Do you do anything creative? Do you hike? Do you have an animal to love? I would want you to fill your life with activities that are fulfilling and nourishing. You are going through so much right now and it’s important for you to flood yourself with pleasure and joy. Find activities that make you laugh a lot. I have a set of short youtube videos that crack me up. They are 5 to 10 minutes long and when I find myself low on energy or when I am hurting, I will sometimes watch those videos 10x a day to make sure I keep filling my system with the good stuff.I really would invite you to stop trying to figure this out. All the research, information and advice you gather will not change the fact that you are uncomfortable with this. So let yourself be uncomfortable and find a therapist who will work with YOU and not focus on the relationship itself. That will resolve itself in time whether you choose to stay or go. When you focus on yourself and your healing, whatever you choose to do eventually, you will be more peaceful about that.
Does this make sense??
