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Hi Beverly!
Thank you for writing in and trusting us with this personal situation of yours! You are asking some great questions…important questions!
The BIGGEST challenge about a new relationship, is dealing with the chemistry. It can feel sooooooo amazing and can strongly influence us to ignore the red flags. The chemistry can speed things up super fast, but can also cause a crash just as quickly. With any relationship, it’s advisable to take things slow if you are wanting something more serious….which sounds like is what you need. If you were just playing around and having fun, that’s a different story.
I can tell you right now that you are both on different pages. You are committed, he is not. You are inviting him into your life, he is not. You are pursuing / initiating and being VERY connective with all your pictures and texting / sexting and he is not (at least not as much as you are). My advice would be to slow this WAY down. He has done very little to earn your trust and your heart (the most valuable part of who you are!)
What I suggest first BEFORE anything is to decide what you want….THEN you can talk to him about that. So what is the design of relationship you are seeking with him?
Whatever he has done with other ladies up to now, doesn’t matter. There has been no real discussion nor agreement as “what” the parameters are. The only major thing to be careful of is to make sure he not married.
When you figure out what you want with him, let us know and then we can advise you about what would be a good next move. Either way though, I absolutely would invite you to be less available. Less pictures, less initiating….give him the chance to pursue you. If you are constantly pursuing, he doesn’t get to or have to do anything. When you pull back and give him the space to be the pursuer, you will learn a lot about him.
Does all of this make sense?
Hi Ki,
It sounds like you are very clear about what you want, but just struggling to accept your choice. I hope you find peace in your choice. It’s sooooo easy to say “let it go” and fully accept and embrace your choice, but hardly easy to do.
Keep focusing on yourself in the meantime.
Do you have anymore questions or want to discuss this further?
Heidi
Hi Barbara!
I’m sorry to hear this. I know how hard it is to feel bad about hurting someone and then they won’t let you make it up to them. I do just want to mention that it’s important for you to see this about him. This is who he is when his feelings get hurt. He disconnects from you and punishes you by being nasty and then pulling his energy back from you. I want you to know and be aware that this is how he is going to treat you in the future as well. This is how he will treat you whenever you cause him hurt. He is revengeful and most likely holds grudges.
Now onto your question. Give him a little time. He is hurt and that revengeful spirit will eventually subside. One of the best ways to deal with a revengeful type of person is to take away their ability to revengeful by not participating and setting a boundary. I know this may sound scary because you might thing it will push him away, but it actually can pull him back faster than anything AND also help teach him a different way to deal with you.
You set a boundary by teaching him how to treat you. Nasty messages and disconnecting is not okay for you. You can say something like this:
“listen, I am so sorry that I hurt you. I care very deeply for you and it makes me sad that I caused you pain. It’s the last thing I want to ever do. I want to resolve this with you and talk to you about it, but you are obviously not ready for that. I have made many attempts to re-connect, but it’s just not working. So I’m just going to stop trying and let you take your time. Whenever you are ready to discuss this and resolve things, I am hear for you. I miss you and I love you.”
Revenge is something that can only serve him if you participate and it is a child-like way of handling things. By not participating and disconnecting, you are asking him to connect with you like an adult. Does this make sense?
How do you feel about saying something like this?
Heidi
Hi Louise!
I am so sorry to hear this. You must feel crushed! Being mature adults doesn’t mean you invite home whomever you want. Although the relationship is very new, you have spent so much time together which means a lot of bonding and growing together, so to come across this discovery hurts like crazy.
Since you do have trust issues in the past, I am wondering if you checked his phone when he wasn’t looking somehow? If yes, this can be a bit tricky, because if you confront him on this, you will have to admit that you were snooping on his phone which can lead to a trust issue on his end.
Truth is, you won’t be able to let this go and ignore it. You already have trust issues and now you feel like he broke your trust now, so everything he does and says is going to cause you suspicion. You will already have walls up around your heart just out of a natural reaction and he will feel that. So I think the best thing for you to do is clear the air and talk with him.
You can admit to seeing his phone and what you read. Being that you already have trust issues in the past, it’s important for you to talk with him about what happened and have an honest conversation. It is VERY important for you to stay open and listen and have a curious mindset so that he can feel safe to be open and honest with you instead of defensive and shut off. Gather information and see what he has to say about it all. THEN you can decide what you feel comfortable doing at that point once you have more information about it.If you don’t talk to him about it, you (just like any of us) will just make up stories in your head and it will drive you nuts! That is not healthy for you. This will be a good test for you both to see how you both handle this kind of stressful and emotional situation. You will learn something about him by how he responds and treats you. You will learn something about you guys TOGETHER and how you handle this kind of challenge. It can actually turn into something very bonding and way that trust can be built even more!
How do you feel about this? Do you feel okay about talking to him?Heidi
Hi Karisa,
I would suggest reading “What Men Secretly Want.” There is a lot of good information about how to build respect and healthy communication when talking about your needs. I know you don’t want to sound “needy.” How you communicate your needs will make all the difference in the world in how he receives it.
Also, I want to encourage you to really accept him exactly for who he is. The trap that many women fall into is fighting for a guy and falling in love with his potential. If you really want to fight for this guy, do it without expecting him to change. He is who he is right now. He deserves to be loved and accepted “as is” and not for who he could be. What if he never changes? If he does change, it needs to come from him. The more he feels the pressure from you to change by being more consistent and reliable and open, the more he will most likely shut down. So as Kanya was saying, step back. Let him be who he is, take it slow and see if just leaving him alone will help him feel more safe to open up with you. AND….just make sure you don’t lose yourself in the process. It’s very easy to get caught up in fighting for a guy who is not really emotionally available and lose yourself along the way.
Go read “What Men Secretly Want” and let us know more of your thoughts and questions!
Heidi
Hi Ki,
I am so sorry for what you are going through! I can understand the battle you are dealing with. I want to offer a different approach and maybe it would give you a direction that makes you feel more comfortable. 2 main things I want to point out:1. If I were your therapist, I would not spend any time on trying to convince you to leave or stay. What I would want to focus on is the fact that you are betraying yourself. You are monogamous. You want a deep, committed and healthy relationship that can go the distance, yet you are choosing to participate in something that is not supporting you and the way you function…..you instead of choosing to have a relationship with rejection and jealousy and you are miserable. As your therapist, I would want to understand the root cause and belief system that makes this okay for you. You have been very uncomfortable and jealous for 5 years and you are willing to live that way for the rest of your life. So this situation is not really about him at all. This is about you. You are giving your power away. So what is causing this? Usually, there are some underlying wounds, deep inside, that influence decisions like this. Past relationships, bad experiences, poor parenting…..who knows, but something is driving you to stay in this. I know you want to believe it is all about love. You love him THAT much that you are willing to fight for him and change. Of course you love him and have a lot of history with him AND there is a point where love is not enough. Beyond love, there needs to be respect, generosity, care, compromise, trust and support by BOTH people. So as a therapist, I would also want to look at where you got your definition of love from? I would want to look at where you first learned about love and my PRIMARY focus through all of that….my PRIMARY goal would be to help learn to love YOURSELF better.
2. The 2nd aspect I would want you to do is to continue finding ways to bring joy into your life and build your self esteem. What kinds of things are you doing away from him to have fun? Do you do anything creative? Do you hike? Do you have an animal to love? I would want you to fill your life with activities that are fulfilling and nourishing. You are going through so much right now and it’s important for you to flood yourself with pleasure and joy. Find activities that make you laugh a lot. I have a set of short youtube videos that crack me up. They are 5 to 10 minutes long and when I find myself low on energy or when I am hurting, I will sometimes watch those videos 10x a day to make sure I keep filling my system with the good stuff.I really would invite you to stop trying to figure this out. All the research, information and advice you gather will not change the fact that you are uncomfortable with this. So let yourself be uncomfortable and find a therapist who will work with YOU and not focus on the relationship itself. That will resolve itself in time whether you choose to stay or go. When you focus on yourself and your healing, whatever you choose to do eventually, you will be more peaceful about that.
Does this make sense??
Hi Angele,
Any more thoughts or questions? Have you decided on a path you would like to take? We would love to hear back from you.
Heidi
Hi Nathalie,
We haven’t heard back from you so I thought I would check in and see how you were doing. Do you have anymore thoughts or questions you want to share? Would love any thoughts you have about the guidance you received.
Heidi
Hi Beverly!
Just to add to what Kanya is saying, have you ever seen the show “Lie to Me?” It’s fascinating! It’s all about body language and all the subtle and unconscious reactions we all have that expose what we are REALLY feeling! Just like Kanya is saying, one body position could mean several different things….it depends on many variables. This show was based on the work of Dr. Paul Ekman who has studied micro-expressions extensively. He even offers a short course to the public if you want to start learning all this stuff you are asking about. Here is his website: https://www.paulekman.com/
Enjoy!
Heidi
Hi Nathalie!
Thank you for asking this question! It sounds like he is really struggling. I just have a few questions for you.
1. Whatever caused the divorce, has that shifted and changed for the better from what you can tell so far?
2. How do you feel towards him being that he has not “recovered” fully since he lost his business?
3. Why would you consider getting back together with him?In regard to doing the “right” thing and making everyone happy….I would encourage you to let that go. No matter what you decide to do….you will be okay and figure it out. There is no guarantee, either way you choose, that things will turn out “happy.” It’s a gamble either way. But again, either way….YOU WILL BE OKAY!!!
So when making decisions like this….listening to your intuition and how YOU feel is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing to listen to. It doesn’t matter if anyone else will be hurt or happy by what you decide. If YOU are not happy and if YOU don’t feel 100% aligned with your path, then you are just creating an incredible amount of stress for yourself and others.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Angele!
You are in quite the predicament. It is such a powerless feeling to completely be willing to be with someone and love them and have an incredible connection, only to have them “not know” what they want.Here is what you need to do first and foremost. You need to decide to participate in the design of this experience with him. When he flirts in front of you and it hurts your feelings, it is because your heart is telling you this is not okay. HONOR THAT! Being with him does not mean he gets to do whatever he wants, regardless of your feelings. Even though you guys are casual, there still needs to be an underlying feeling of respect and care for each other….he is not respecting you by showing attention to other women (I am wondering if he is wanting to get you jealous on purpose) and you are not showing yourself respect by participating by watching it and staying silent.
The hard part for you is that you have such strong feelings for him and if you stand up for yourself and start to set some boundaries, you may lose him. Reality is though, you don’t really have him anyways.
He is very split. This means one part of him wants to be with 1 woman, fall in love and have that deeper experience. Another side of him wants to be single and enjoy all the benefits of that. He is trying to have both sides filled….with you. And it sounds like it is causing a lot of hurt for you now.
When someone is split like that, there is a lot of fear and baggage they are carrying around. So the issue really is with you. You said that “I deserve a healthy 2 way relationship” yet you are choosing to fall for someone who cannot offer that to you. You are choosing to continue to connect, bond and support him, yet you are not supporting yourself. Maybe someday he will change, but whatever is going on deep inside him…it’s going to take awhile to resolve IF HE CHOOSES TO FACE HIMSELF!
So….if you were to honor him by accepting him EXACTLY as he is and he does not change….are you willing to stay with him?
Heidi
Hi Beverly!
I am so sorry! I remember reading your post and then I got sidetracked with the post after yours. My apologies! Thank you for saying something.
That is quite an age difference. You both will be experiencing life in very different ways. That being said….connection is connection. I have never known connection to care about age. It feels really wonderful and can be so much fun!
Where you may run into trouble is what you start to believe about the connection and what you do with it. If your mind starts to imagine relationship with him, falling in love with him and wanting to create a life with him….aside from the age difference working against you, you hardly know him. Who knows though! I believe anything is possible. I have seen and experienced incredible things in my life that go against the grain.
If you want to continue the connection and just have fun with him at the store, THEN ENJOY!!! If you are fantasizing about him a lot and investing a lot of energy into thinking about him, it’s probably time to bring reality into the picture. Fantasies are dangerous because the person is not real. So it might be time to make him real and find out what he is made of.
He may or may not react to your age. Who knows! If you want to see if there is any potential for you both, then it’s time to find out. Again…if you just want to enjoy the connection and leave it at that….then just leave it alone and have fun with him!
I understand you are shy and it sounds like he is quite shy as well. Is there any way you can have a conversation with him that could include your age? Do you guys ever talk music or movies? Maybe if you mentioned an artist or movie from back in your day. You could say “That was my very favorite song in high school!” or something of that nature….and he probably will not recognize or know what you are talking about and you could say….”Oh wow! I am dating myself here. You probably were just born when that song came out.”
What do you think? Do you feel comfortable with doing something like that?
Heidi
Hi Melissa!
I want you to think about this differently. It’s not that you will stop reacting. That is NOT a marker for healing. In fact, that could be a marker for you going more numb. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO HURT WHEN SOMEONE IS UNKIND! That is a pretty normal human response in general….if you do not have a reaction, I would question the health of your emotional system. A healthy person is someone who is resilient. It’s not that they go through life and are not triggered. A healthy person gets triggered and then has the skillset and knowledge about how to recover and let go, forgive and move on. That is what emotional health is! Of course, as you get rid of more and more baggage, some triggers will be less, but overall….knowing how to forgive and release is THE sign of health (in my opinion at least).
It’s more about you protecting yourself the best you possibly can, continue to forgive him, no matter how many times it takes, and continue to forgive yourself. It is an ongoing and layered process. Once you think you have healed and let go, the next layer will soon emerge. lol! Keep up the good work! Keep fighting for your health.
Keep us updated please! We love hearing back and how you are doing!
Heidi
Hi Allison!
Wow….this is hard. Robin Williams once said, “I used to think the worst thing in life is to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.”
Being alone and single, you are not really dealing with rejection. You are just alone. Being with someone and feeling alone is a constant dose of rejection. That’s hard! That wears down the soul and really starts to cause a lot of low self esteem.
I am glad you are finally ready to start fighting for what you need. You BOTH need to participate in the design. If something isn’t working, a good partner wants to know and work on it, because your happiness means everything to him.
I hope you have the conversation and let him know your feelings. Your voice deserves to be heard and paid attention to. I hope he listens with his heart open. Make sure you present it in a way that helps keep his heart open. If you blame and accuse and point the finger, he will close down. Remember this phrase, “When you do this___________(fill in the blank) it makes me feel this (fill in the blank)” It’s a great way to communicate with men. They tend to respond best to black and white….cause and affect.
Good luck and keep us updated! We are here to keep helping you with ideas!
Heidi
