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Hi Sarah!
What a fascinating situation. There are soooo many layers and potential answers that I could give you. I just want to give you 1 bottom line answer before I give any opinions. The answer….there is no 1 right or wrong answer….you have a path ahead of you. No matter the path you take, you will be okay. Either path is full of hurt AND love….so whether you choose to keep him in your life or not, trust that you will know what is okay for you in the moment.
You are definitely entering into a more risky type of situation, however not an impossible one. I HAVE known couples who were absolutely happy with an open relationship. There IS evidence that something like that can work for a period of time….just like anything…it works until it doesn’t
1. swinging is definitely more popular than it used to be. There is A LOT of push against marriage more and more because the divorce rate is over 50% these days and people are waiting longer and longer to get married and many people don’t even want to get married as they feel it is a pointless endeavor. Also…I strongly believe that technology has influenced so much of our state of mind these days. Because we all can have answers as quick as a touch of a button, our ability to have impulse control has gone waaaay down. People want what they want NOW and most of the time they get it. Therefore….a person’s needs might come up and they want to deal with it quickly and easily so they do….it happens many many times in a day….which can lead to larger appetites for things in life….which ultimately means (getting to my point now) people are EASILY bored….so they are looking for more and more things to shock, entertain and stimulate. Look at the movies these days. Compare a horror movie today to a horror movie even 10 years ago. I could talk about this forever, so I’ll stop. I think you get my point!
2. Expectations can be a VERY tricky kind of thing. When you start to place rules on the relationship and how it is “supposed” to function, that can actually be the point where everything can make a turn for the worst. Here is a simple example. I had a boyfriend awhile back who had never been faithful to a single woman in his life. I entered into the relationship with the intent that I am just going to have fun and see where it goes. As it turns out….I was the very first woman he never cheated on. He was very used to the ladies trying to control him. They always put rules on him and would easily get jealous (he was very attractive so he got a ton of attention). This caused him to want to break out and rebel…so he did and he would cheat..until he came across me…I will never forget the very first time he said to me….”Hey, I’m going out to the club dancing (he looked amazing), I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” I said, “Man, you look hot! You enjoy yourself. I will talk to you tomorrow.” I gave him a SUPER amazing kiss good night. Then a funny thing happened….he showed up at my place around 330am. He came straight to my house after dancing and snuggled right up. He did this every single time he went out dancing. We have stayed friends for a super long time now and many times has said to me….it felt amazing to be faithful to a woman and WANT to stay faithful. The trick? I didn’t put rules on him that made him want to break free. We did agree to a few boundaries that made us BOTH feel very comfortable, but it was a conversation that came from respect and honor for both of our needs.
I’m just going to leave it at that for the moment. I want to invite you to consider the type of relationship you really want to build with him. It sounds like you really want to build trust and emotional safety and respect. If you want him to trust you and feel safe to be his FULL AUTHENTIC self, then how can he show you that when there are rules as to who he is allowed to socialize with? Maybe consider the idea of letting him come to those conclusions himself out of respect for you, him and the other people vs. having an expectation he has to abide by, by not sending birthday messages or having dinner alone with ex partners. If you really look at this on a deeper level, you are dealing with a lot of fear of risking with him. You are wanting to feel safer about your experience with him, of course, so you set boundaries that will make you feel safe enough to continue forward. So this more about YOU feeling safe inside of yourself. If you felt totally grounded in your value, how amazing you are and that you are the world’s best catch and he is crazy lucky to have you….it wouldn’t matter what he did or who he sent birthday messages to. When I had that boyfriend, I honestly did not have a care in the world what he was doing on that dance floor. I figured he was probably all in the ladies’ business and flirting like crazy. His actions though, had NOTHING to do with me. His choice to behave like that was all about his own needs deep inside that he needed to confront and face when he was ready….and eventually he became VERY ready to face all of that and we became even closer.
My point in all of this….is that his lifestyle was what it was because of many things I’m sure. If he worked through any traumas or emotional challenges that contributed to that lifestyle and now feels really ready to do monogamy, then the odds are in your favor, but if he hasn’t worked through that stuff, then it is likely he will crave that type of lifestyle again or bring some of the kinky kind of things to your bedroom. Either way…whatever he chooses is not a reflection of you. It is HIS journey and for him to face and the more you can let him do that with freedom, the easier it will be for him to open up to you and be who he really is.
I know I did not answer all of your questions….I just wanted to offer some things for you to think about and respond to. I would love to hear your thoughts about what I’ve said. I look forward to hearing more from you so we can continue this conversation!
Heidi
Hi Agnes,
Wow! How completely shocking! I am so sorry to hear this. One minute you are planning your lives together and the next minute, he is re-connecting with his ex and causing a lot of discomfort for you…and now he is choosing to disconnect. I know none of it makes any sense. My best guess from his reaction, is that he is not over his ex. How long were they broken up before you and him got together?
Here is the things…she slept with his brother. That is a SUPER DOUBLE WHAMMY! That’s major betrayal and if he never forgave her or his brother, that anger and hurt would keep him VERY bonded to her….and it makes their relationship very layered and dynamic. If she started apologizing and softening those walls, that is going to be a HUGE relief for him and pull him back into her pretty easily. I’m sure he is completely torn at the moment. On one hand, I’m sure he still loves her and wants his family together….and on the other hand, he bonded with you and started creating a life with you even though he wasn’t resolved about his past with her.
So I have no doubt he is super confused!
I first want to ask you this question….being that he is not over his ex girlfriend and still has some things to resolve with her, are you sure you want him back under those conditions? He obviously is not willing to give up talking to her, so will you accept him in your life even though you will have to share his attention? It doesn’t sound like he is ready to fully commit to you and close the door on his ex. That is his own issue that he needs to work out on his own. You can do everything in the world to try to get his attention back to you….and even if his attention comes back to you, that will NOT change the underlying issue that he still has a connection with his ex that is unresolved….so that means he is not really fully emotionally available for you.
If all of that is okay for you and you still want to keep trying to get his attention, let us know. There are some things that might help. But for now, really think about what you want and whether he will be able to offer it to you. It does not matter what happened in the past 6 months. It is not who he is in the present moment. So you have to really look at who he is today and decide from that space.
I am so so sorry you are going through this! Something like this really hurts! For now, I suggest to stay away. Let him calm down and let him feel the absence of you in his life. Work on yourself and getting a very clear mindset. You will talk again and you want to make sure it doesn’t turn into an argument as that is what gave him the feeling to disconnect.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Camille!
What a great question! How wonderful that he was able to move to where you are so you guys can build a relationship. That is a HUGE deal.
I’m glad you are acknowledging the struggle he is having about money. Until his business really gets going, it just may be a bit stressful. I first want to give you an analogy that may help you understand your role for him a bit better. He is in tornado mode right now….not very grounded, probably moving in a scatter direction and he is most likely feeling very chaotic inside….like a tornado. You need to be the ground. You can be that 1 constant in his life. You can help keep him grounded while he is messy. So that means staying calm, stable and not getting into arguments with him about money.
The first place I would have you start is working on a better way to “argue” so to speak. Is there a way you can think of that can keep the subject more at a conversation level vs. getting more intense into an argument mode?
I also would recommend activating his “hero” instinct. Not having enough money will activate a man’s low self esteem quite a bit and feeling of powerlessness. By asking for his help with things here and there…it can help him feel like he can do SOMETHING to help you….which is important for him to feel at the moment. Do you have any ideas of things you can ask him to help you with?
Compliments are also a great thing every once in awhile. Things like, “My life is better with you in it. I laugh more, I feel myself more open than I ever have been and I am just more happy with you around.” or “I know you are in a re-building phase right now and that is just plain difficult. I have every confidence in you that you will make everything happen just as you need it to. And that feels really good for me to say. I really like that I can feel respect for my guy. I am realizing that is actually really important for me.”
Of course you do not want to bombard him with compliments or asking for help. It can overwhelm him or he may even feel like you are trying too hard. So let it happen organically….when you are inspired and really feel it vs. forcing it.
Lastly, there is no harm at all in asking him directly, “Is there anything I can do right now to make your life easier?” “What can I do right now to help. I can feel your tension about money and business. How about a foot rub with a glass of wine? or how about I make you your favorite dinner”
Another idea, of which I won’t go into much detail, but men who are feeling like he does, can really find their power, their manhood through sex. So maybe you can create some really fun scenarios that really help him activate that carnal, male instinct of his.
Hopefully this gives you some good ideas of where to start!
Heidi
Hi Darci!
I am so glad you are taking this slow and really going to take the time to work on yourself and giving him space to do what he needs to do! There is nothing easy about that path, yet it full of more gifts for you than you even realize. I truly hope this ends up how you really want. If it doesn’t, keep us in the loop so we can help you through it should you decide it is time to let it go.
It sounds like you are in a really good mindset at the moment. As you start to go through the Relationship Rewrite method, let us know your thoughts, what you are learning, any questions etc.
Thank you for trusting us with your challenges!
Heidi
A good book to start with is the “relationship rewrite method” Do you have that one from this program? It can help you understand quite a bit about the skills needed to re-design a relationship that did not work the first time around. I also really like Dr. John Gottman. http://www.gottman.com He is a top person in the relationship world that has some WONDERFUL blogs that offer tips of how to heal relationships. Maybe if your guy comes back, you both can go through a weekend workshop together and learn how to relate to each other differently. Brene Brown is also another great person who offers some wonderful truths for healing. She has a TON of videos on you tube that are fabulous!!!
Hope this gives you some ideas!
Heidi
Hi Darci!
I thought your name seemed familiar! I remember your story.
Have you had any contact at all with him? It may take a lot of time. Since his pattern is to shut off when things get stressful, those walls are usually pretty tough to break through. Even if you did get him back, he will always be like this unless he eventually decides to work on the hurt he is holding onto for dear life.
All you can really do is continue to work on yourself and improving the part of you that contributed to the stress in the relationship. If he does come back, your relationship needs to be different than it was before. Is there anything you can do to on your end to help make that happen?
Since he has dealt with abandonment from his father and almost lost his sister then almost lost you and he lost his child….that is A LOT of loss. He will (on a subconscious level) probably pair love with loss. So to love means he has to risk losing….so not loving is easier. The problem is, he WANTS to love as well….so those split sides of him will keep having this battle….and whatever side of him wins at the moment is the side that is deciding the design of his life. Right now, his fear is in the driver’s seat. Although you were part of the challenge in the relationship….how he is handling it and his choices have NOTHING to do with you. He is functioning from a lot of hurt and fear that existed way before you came along.
If you want him back, keep in mind that you want to help him feel safe with you again. Maybe you can reach out for Christmas and get him a small gift and card letting him know you are thinking about him. You could say something like, “I know we are not together anymore. I am doing the best I can to adapt to that, but it doesn’t change that I still miss your smile and the laughter we used to have together. Here is something small I found that made me think of you. I truly wish you the deepest happiness.” Find a way to get to him without seeing him.
Then maybe in another month you could send him a letter to the affect, “I decided to try to work on healing some of the hurt I am feeling from the loss of our baby and the loss of you in my life. I started reading this book and I have learned a lot about myself. I realized how much my reactions created a lot of stress in our lives. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to let go of all that hurt and be a different person. So I am starting by writing you this letter to apologize. I was not the best person to you sometimes and that makes me really sad. I can understand why you needed to just not argue with me anymore. It helped wake me up and bring me to this very moment of healing…which feels really good. I’m always sending you a lot of good thoughts. Take care”
Obviously if you were to write that kind of letter, you actually are learning and healing. The more you accept the situation and stop fighting what is happening, the more likely he will come back to you. Kind of like martial arts. There is a certain practice where they train you to go with the force and not fight it. So as someone is generating power to hit you, instead of stopping that momentum, you go with the flow and use that power and force to help generate your own power and force. So instead of blocking that hit, you might move out of the way and then put and arm up to join the arm of your opponent and push them further in the direction they are hitting and cause them fall. Does this make any sense? lol! It’s a simple principle…the more you find gratitude and happiness in the present moment, the more you will attract to you what you really want. When you spend your time trying to change everything, you miss the lessons that are here for you now, you miss the beauty that does exist and you end up attracting more struggle to you. So that is why I am inviting you to start to work on yourself. Love yourself as much as you love him! Start to heal the parts of you that have had to deal with GREAT loss. When you do that, it will role model for him what he needs to do. And you might be surprised what ends up showing up for you.
We would love to hear your thoughts on how all of this makes you feel!
Heidi
Hi Darci!
What you are going through is so confusing and definitely difficult. To have such strong feelings and then all of a sudden not being together anymore….it’s shocking and it doesn’t make any sense.
Each person is so different. Yes…he can absolutely pretend. Anyone can. The first thought that comes to mind is a guy who has a lot of emptiness inside. In order to fill that emptiness, he uses a woman to make him feel better. He can bond and go deep with a woman all with the goal of getting her to fall in love with him. The more the woman falls for him, the more it validates who he is. Then when things get more serious and the woman is asking for more, he bails. I’m not at all saying this is his game and if it were, that we would be conscious of this. To be honest, I used to be like that. The more I could get a guy to fall for me, the better I felt. I would definitely have feelings for the guy, but never to the extent that they felt for me and I usually would reach a point where I just couldn’t do it anymore. And every single time, they were shocked and didn’t understand. I had so much low self esteem and A LOT of woundedness around male energy. It took a lot of healing to change that harmful pattern.
That is my best guess. For someone to disconnect when everything is going great…either something happened that you are not aware of or there is dysfunction happening.
What is most important for YOU….is to not blame yourself.. It is our very nature, as women, to try to figure out what we did to cause disconnection. Maybe you can find a reason and maybe you can’t. Either way….it doesn’t really matter. If he decided to leave without giving you a chance, without letting you know what was happening for him, then there is just not much you can do except honor his choice and move on.
Out of curiosity….did he just ghost or did he at least communicate to you that he was moving on? If he did say something to you, did he give you a reason?
Heidi
Hi Lauren,
I think it wouldn’t hurt to mention it to him. You can say something like, “Hey….plans are firming up for me to head to Europe in a few weeks and I’ll be gone awhile. You have gone silent and I debated whether to let you know or not. So here I am, letting you know. I would say yes if you invited me for a meetup somewhere. It’s up to you.”
Simple, short and sweet and it lets him know you are leaving, which might inspire him to reach out again. And at the very least, if he doesn’t respond….then it might help you create some closure when you return to Europe. Maybe at some point he will reach out again and you can decide if he is worth fighting for again.
And remember…EVERYONE comes to the table with baggage. He may be dealing with some fears that have nothing to do with you. All you can do is the best you know how and that’s it!
What do you think about saying that to him?
Heidi
Hi! What a great question. First of all…you are human and you were just trying to make him happy. Sometimes that is more important that what you want. No need to be sick about it. Each moment is different. The only reason you are sick is that you are judging yourself for making that decision. It’s totally okay! It’s all easily fixable and you were making that decision out of trying to not argue anymore and keep him happy. We all do that sometimes, even if it is out of character.
What I suggest is to have a conversation about why he doesn’t want you to go? What is he worried about? I would get really curious about what issues he is dealing with that is causing him to argue with you about your social life. He is having a very controlling reaction. We all control because we are afraid of something….so what is he afraid of?
You can simply say something like….”I understand your uncomfortableness with me going out. I can see the fear you are dealing with and I hope that at some point you will be willing to deal with that fear. You need to know that my social life is non-negotiable. It is a need of mine to stay connected to my friends and get out. I’m so so sorry that is a trigger for you. I hope you can still love me anyways. If there is anything I can do to help, please tell me. I would love to work through this WITH you. This part of my life is not going to change, so I would love to work through the fear WITH you. Do you have any ideas of what I can do to help?”
So essentially, you want to validate his fear while still maintaining yourself. No need to argue. If someone keeps pushing against my boundaries, this is typically how I kindly remind them….Going back to your last situation, you could have said, “I hear that you are upset that I want to go….never the less, I am going.” The he might say something then you calmly say “Never the less….I am going” That statement, “never the less” can many times avoid an argument and keep bringing the other person back to what your choice is regardless of what they want from you. It’s an easy way to just stay calm and quiet and NOT arguing. If you don’t argue back, there is no argument. Even though he doesn’t get what he wants, it’s okay. He has a no sex rule that youa re accepting….you have a social rule that he needs to accept as well.
Lastly, forgive yourself. You gave your power away and it will happen again in your life. It may be out of character, but it’s a wonderful moment to learn about yourself! What was the core reason you gave your power away? How could you have handled that differently? How could you have avoided an argument? It’s just a wonderful moment for you to learn and grow…that’s it! No harm done at all! So be kind to yourself! You are just being human 🙂
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hello Urietha!
Thank you for the update! It’s so interesting to me how religion can play such a strong role in governing someone’s life. It sounds like he has strong opinions about sex. He believes it is a sin to masturbate, yet he has seen you do it several times. Does this not bother him? Maybe he only comments on it and leaves it at that? I sometimes wonder whether it truly is someone’s belief or if they hid behind it. Again…the longer he spends “controlling” his sexuality, the harder it will be to undo that habit. Not that it isn’t possible, but it usually is not something that can switch on and off. Our sexual parts are like muscles and need to be worked in order to function well.
It sounds like you really have some thinking to do. I’m glad you were able to talk to him about it. If he is not willing to budge, then that means you have to compromise. It’s a very tough decision you have to make, especially when the other areas of your relationship are pretty great. I am also super happy to hear that you still create a life outside of him, despite his requests to not go. You are staying well connected to yourself throughout this process.
The hard part about this, is you don’t know when there is an ending. If he said, “let’s get married in 1 year” I’m sure you could find a way to endure abstinence until then. But there is no ending, so it makes it very difficult for the psyche to give something up without knowing further details.
I wish there were a magical answer. Either way you decide, you will just continue to gather more information to either continue on that path or decide to jump over to the other path. You are never stuck, no matter the path you choose.
We would love to hear more from you about what you are thinking and feeling about this if you want to share.
Good to hear from you!
Heidi
Hello Urietha!
Thank you for the update! It’s so interesting to me how religion can play such a strong role in governing someone’s life. It sounds like he has strong opinions about sex. He believes it is a sin to masturbate, yet he has seen you do it several times. Does this not bother him? Maybe he only comments on it and leaves it at that? I sometimes wonder whether it truly is someone’s belief or if they hid behind it. Again…the longer he spends “controlling” his sexuality, the harder it will be to undo that habit. Not that it isn’t possible, but it usually is not something that can switch on and off. Our sexual parts are like muscles and need to be worked in order to function well.
It sounds like you really have some thinking to do. I’m glad you were able to talk to him about it. If he is not willing to budge, then that means you have to compromise. It’s a very tough decision you have to make, especially when the other areas of your relationship are pretty great. I am also super happy to hear that you still create a life outside of him, despite his requests to not go. You are staying well connected to yourself throughout this process.
The hard part about this, is you don’t know when there is an ending. If he said, “let’s get married in 1 year” I’m sure you could find a way to endure abstinence until then. But there is no ending, so it makes it very difficult for the psyche to give something up without knowing further details.
I wish there were a magical answer. Either way you decide, you will just continue to gather more information to either continue on that path or decide to jump over to the other path. You are never stuck, no matter the path you choose.
We would love to hear more from you about what you are thinking and feeling about this if you want to share.
Good to hear from you!
Heidi
Hi Ingrid!
Great information! Thank you!
I think it’s pretty wonderful that you guys were able to go on a hike and just talk and be like old friends again. The more experiences you have like that, the more the odds can be in your favor. Good for you for learning and practicing those techniques. And good for you for not pressuring him about the relationship.
You have 1 HUGE advantage over this other woman and that is, that you have a lot of memories with him. I’m curious….do you know what caused the spark to start to fade and be replaced by resentment? I’m thinking that those aspects may need some time to heal and that you have a plan as to how make sure that doesn’t happen again.
In your conversations with him, have you ever apologized for your limitations and blaming him in your mind? Something like, “I am learning so much about relationships right now because of our breakup. I really realized how i did …….. and how much that can cause damage. I am so sorry. I know I cannot change what happened, but I am waking up and know now. I just wanted to say that to you. I’m sorry I treated you that way.”
As to whether you spend more time or less time with him before Christmas…do you have a choice? I mean…is he willing to spend that time with you? If he is ready and willing, then I say go for it. Focus on the friendship, focus on creating a better bond and focus on the skills you are learning from the book. No need to talk about the relationship at all…unless he brings it up. It may take some time, but if you have patience and just let him go through this, it may bring him back sooner than later. In order for him to come back, he needs to know things will be different, so your job is to help him see you as a different person that will help create a much better environment for your relationship with him to flourish.
At the same time, NOT spending time with him can also work. “absence makes the heart grow fonder” right? If you are around a lot, he essentially is not experiencing what life is like without you. He won’t miss you, he won’t need to make much effort to connect all the while going away to a new woman. He gets his needs met with the deep connection he has with you then leaves to get the excitement of a new relationship. It’s kind of a pretty wonderful combo. So if you are less available NOT meeting those needs for a deep connection and friendship, then he will feel an absence and an emptiness…which many times can be a really great wake up call.
Whatever you choose to do…patience is the key. I think that no matter what you decide won’t matter. You have 9 years together so that is A LOT of history in your favor. You have more time when he comes back to continue working on this. I think it’s more about what you feel comfortable doing. If you pay attention to his signals and use your intuition and trust that part of yourself, you will know what the next step needs to be. And that may even change from day to day, so being fluid and flexible is good thing!
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Minh! Holy smokes! What a COMPLETE shocker!!! I am so sorry to hear that B is making that kind of choice. I know it doesn’t make sense logically, but matters of heart are rarely logical and many times don’t make sense. The heart contains both the capacity to love deeply as well as hold onto wounds from the past that have created an incredible amount of hurt. The part of his heart behaving like this….is the part that is wounded. Who knows is he is really connected to that part of himself, but essentially, it is driving him to make some unhealthy choices.
The gift you can take from this, is to remember 2 main things of which you pointed out. That uneasy feeling….is VERY real! Whenever you feel that…don’t ignore it! At least give it enough credibility to explore and find out the truth. Sometimes it may be nothing and sometimes…like you just learned…it means a heck of a lot! Your intuition should always be a part of your relationships. Have you read the “Feminine Intuition” portion of the books? It talks all about that! The other aspect is that even though the illusion was an illusion, you got to momentarily feel what you want to feel like. It’s a wonderful guide to let you know what is possible!
I’m curious…how did you find out that he was married?
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
This is WONDERFUL news!!! It sounds like you played this out really well. Your interaction was really healthy and fun…yes? What do you think helped the most to make that happen? It is really important for you to understand what shifted in YOU to bring out this side in him. You got what you needed from him and it sounds like he got what he needed from you. Do you know what that was for each of you?
We are soooo glad you trusted all of us to help you through this and that you got some good results so far!
Please keep us updated as to what transpires in your next meeting. You are doing such a wonderful job! You made my day!
Heidi
HI Purnima!
Wow! It sounds like you dodged a bullet! He is quite easily reactive from what it sounds like. My guess is, he got jealous when he saw another guy making you laugh and enjoy yourself. It activated a lot of his low self esteem and feeling bad about himself so he decided to throw a tantrum. When you asked him why he came if he didn’t want to be there…that type of question can put someone more on the defensive. You could say something like, “It seems like you are having a hard time right now. Is there anything I can do to help or would you like me to just leave you be?” That type of question is validating and can help soothe the emotional fire….sometimes. Bottom line though….you really handled the ending very gracefully and he sure is missing out on some happiness he could have had with you. He obviously is not ready to be happy and that’s okay.
How to behave now? It’s just going to take some time. You just be yourself and trust your intuition in the moment. If you have let this go and hold no grudge to him, then he won’t feel any angst from you which is the most important part. You being your happy, normal self is what is going to help things go back to normal OVER TIME. Each situation will be different, but using your gut to guide you as to whether to talk to him or not or even what to talk about….trust yourself. If he is miserable like he says….my guess is, when he sees you happy and not affected by the “break up” so to speak, it may cause him to hurt even more and maybe even snarky towards you. He will interpret your happiness as you not caring very much about him. This is not your job to fix, if he does treat you that way. Your job is to just stay grounded and centered in who you are and let him figure out his own pain. The more you try to fix any hurt he has, the more it will affect you in a draining type of way. So it’s just about you being you, caring and connective and also protecting your happiness if he starts to use that against you in some passive aggressive ways. Who knows…he might end up being totally cool about it.
Will you update us and let us know what ends up happening?
Heidi
