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Hi Uzoma!
I’m so glad you both are re-connecting again and working through this together. There are more sticky spots coming up, but every relationship has those. The VERY BEST way to prepare for those is to understand his immediate response will probably be to put a wall up and disconnect even though it is not what he really wants. So having patience when he does this is important. It can help build trust between the 2 of you.
Of course baggage is going to affect the relationship. You BOTH bring baggage to this experience and that’s okay! It’s a matter of working through it in a healthy way. The more you guys can talk about it, not blame each other, have compassion for the wounds….it’s workable. And in between when arguments show up, it’s important to put money in the “soul” bank. Meaning, you are appreciating each other, you are bonding, you are supportive of each other….so when something hard does show up, you both have a solid foundation of love and connection to support you guys.
Thank you for the update! Please keep letting us know how you guys are doing. And we definitely are interested in what happens with his ex. If you need to come back here and vent, that’s okay! We are here for you! It sounds like you have a connection worth fighting for, so use us as a support system!
Heidi
Hi Uzoma,
Wow! A lot has really happened.
I’m going to try to keep it very simple for you. He is split. He has one part of him wanting a healthy and loving relationship with you and another part of him who is trying to master something through his ex. For example, I have seen kids totally reject the mom who was always there for them all the while they chase after the dad who was never there. It’s way too complicated to explain the depths of what is happening, but essentially the person who does the rejecting ends up activating a lot of low self esteem in their victim. That low self esteem then strives to get their acceptance because if they finally accept them and not reject them….THEN they are worth it….THEN they are worth loving and fighting for. So essentially, your guy’s self esteem is partly wrapped up in his ex. If she finally is giving him attention and what he always wanted, then he will be drawn back to her. He is still not resolved or moved on from her AND he really cares about you too. Therefore….he is split.
This is where you have a tough decision to make. If he is not willing to really let go of his ex, then that means you either accept that and let it be, or you set a boundary.
Maybe before you do that, have you guys ever talked about it calmly? Have you ever asked him how he is REALLY feeling about BOTH of you and how it makes him feel to connect with BOTH of you at the same time? It might be an interesting, open conversation where there could be some resolution somehow. If you go into it with the mindset of curiosity….calm, interested in how he is feeling, creating a safe space for him to be honest with you…..maybe you will get more information to help you know what you feel comfortable doing next.
You could say something like, “I missed you terribly. My life is better with you in it and I want to keep going in that direction, but there is something that is stopping me and I need your help. I need, more than anything right now, for you to be totally and completely honest with me….and with that honesty, I am really interested in finding a solution somehow that works for both of us. What do you think is really going on that you need to talk to your ex. Do you not feel full and complete with just me in your life? Even if you don’t have romantic feelings for her, it just seems there is something unresolved. Reality is, it’s uncomfortable for me and yet at the same time, I don’t want to stop you from resolving whatever you need to with her. It will help me if you can explain a little more so maybe I can understand better and find more patience….I don’t know. Are you willing to work through this with me?”
Maybe go out to dinner and feel fabulous too. It helps to be in a romantic setting and in public so it keeps BOTH of you on your best behavior when talking about something like this.
How does this idea strike you?
Heidi
Hi Purnima!
Thank you for the update. You sound very grounded and about as peaceful as you can be as you slowly start to let go of someone. Of course you are going to miss him! But like you are saying, you are getting used to the no contact and embracing the idea of not prostrating yourself to him. He will never have respect for you because someone who does that does not have much respect for themselves. When you treat yourself with love and respect, you will naturally attract people that treat you in the exact same way.
What an interesting story about your “date!” It sounds like a good idea for you and you seem to be in a very good mindset. It’s a very neutral mindset that is accepting of whatever ends up happening. Doesn’t it feel wonderful????
PLEASE let us know how it goes!!!!
I wish for many blessings to come your way through this season!!!
Heidi
Hi Lauren,
I want to be more clear…I didn’t mean that you give him space….I meant that it’s good to give him time. There is a big difference. Giving time means that you are still really involved but putting your needs for “something more” from him on the backburner for now. Focusing on the present moment and appreciating what he IS giving you and having that satisfy you, is what will make him feel like you are giving him the time that he is asking for. Does that make sense?
So you want to say something to the affect of “things seemed to have changed….” What I am curious about is how did it come about that he said to you that he needed “time?” What were you guys talking about at the time that inspired him to say that to you?
If a guy has said that….he is letting you know he is not ready for anything really serious….and asking him the “things seemed to have changed….” question is a more serious type of question and maybe not the best thing to ask him right now….that’s why I am wondering what you were talking about when he said that to you.
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
Thank you for all your feedback! It kind of changes all the advice I gave….lol!
In regards to your question, yes it can be THAT addictive BUT just like anything of that nature, there is a spectrum. It can be addictive on many different levels just like drugs or alcohol. So if he were addicted, you would be dealing with someone as if they were in remission so to speak and there would need to be a full blown plan of how to support them and help them heal.
So the answer you need is more from him. I don’t know his reasons for choosing to participate in that. The hard part is, it sounds like it was also a community of friends and giving up that lifestyle means not being likeminded with those people anymore. There is going to be a lot of loss he will be dealing with as he experiences a different design with you. After he adjusts to a different type of lifestyle, he may end up really liking himself and how he feels with you and then not really missing the swinging….it still all goes back to the “why”. Why did he get involved in that? There may be some deep wounds that drove him in that direction or maybe he was just curious one day and somehow got deeper and deeper into it. If his choices were driven by deep wounds and he never really resolved them….then I would say to be cautious as those wounds will manifest ALWAYS in some form or another until he deals with them….and so the swinging thing may end up showing up again.
I know this wasn’t a direct answer, but maybe a path for you explore? Let me know!
Heidi
Hi Miss P,
Wow….he turned the tables on you eh? Pretty tricky of him! That is unfortunate because he is not really showing you that he is interested in participating in a design that you BOTH get your needs met. It sounds like he is only interested in YOU making HIM feel comfortable instead of him taking responsibility for himself.
Of course he is fearful. Maybe jealous, but definitely fearful. The more someone tries to control, the more they are fearful. If there were no fear, then control would not need to exist. He is afraid of being hurt in some way or another. Fear activate control so that the person doesn’t have to feel hurt or pain. He did a very narcissistic type of thing by blaming you instead of really listening to what you were saying. Are you sure you want to participate in this?
Is he really worth fighting for? He is showing you that he is not willing to take responsibility for his feelings and he expects YOU to change so he can feel better in his life. This type of mindset leaks out everywhere and the longer it goes on, the more you will disappear in the relationship because he won’t validate YOUR experience. Just something to think about.
There is no arguing with someone who has that mindset. The most you can do is manage the situation. You just simply say, “I hear you and how you feel. Never the less, I am still going to have my social life. If this is something you are not willing to deal with, then you have a choice to make.”
I would also be VERY careful with the information you do give him. Requiring that you tell him where you are and when you’ll be home puts him in the role of being like your father. He is wanting that information so he can control the situation as much as possible. He is not wanting that information for your safety….fear is driving him. It would not surprise me if this escalated over the years to where he ends up showing up where you are and at the very least, have continued arguments about all of this….because it isn’t over. He will still fight you about it. You can let him know things like, “I’m going out with my friends tonight. Not sure what we are doing yet, but I promise I will text you when I get home so you know I’m safe.” or “I’m heading out to the Tavern tonight to meet some friends. I’ll text you when I get home.” DO NOT give him the time you will be home. You never know how the night will unfold and he may get super upset if you don’t make it home by the time you said AND it puts pressure on you as if you have a curphew….go live your life and just let him know when you arrive home.
How does all of this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Lauren,
It sounds like you know what works well for him. If he still feels like he hasn’t quite “made it” yet, that can be a HUGE distraction for a guy. Unfortunately, if he has had very little validation in his life, he may never feel like he has “made it” and will constantly be in pursuit of something more.
I think if you just open the conversation again and keep things light and easy, that will give him the space to work through stuff, all the while you are building friendship with him. The more he feels your patience, the odds are, the more he will want to give you at some point. If the timing isn’t right for now, then focus your attentions elsewhere in the dating world…. but you can still keep connection with him but with very little expectation. Then at some point, when he is ready, the timing could work out just right and you both can fully experience each other again!
It’s time to move on, but it doesn’t mean you have to let him go completely….it just means you give him what he needs…which is time…and if that means you want to wait this out, then that is your choice….just keep building that friendship! If you want to go out dating and still continue having experiences for yourself, then do that! It really is up to you and how YOU want to handle this. He is clear that he needs some time, so now you get to decide what works for you now.
Does this makes sense?
Heidi
Hi Monica,
This is a good question and can be a bit tricky. I think it really depends on the situation and both people. Personally, I tend to be very blunt and honest. It’s my personality so I would have been honest like you, but maybe in a little different way. Whenever you communicate your feelings, using the word “you” is like pointing a finger at someone and can tend to make someone feel defensive. So a different approach could be, “well, I had a very busy week and it felt like you were more silent than normal, so I ended up just deciding to give you some space and trusted that you would surface again when you were ready. Would you like me to do something different next time?”
And you know enough about him now to know that he has a pattern of going silent, so being sick is not a real reason. Being sick doesn’t mean he cannot communicate with you. If anything, being a good partner means you tell your person these things. You are letting the person you care about, know you are not doing well and will be out of commission for a bit. That is what is respectful. But it’s interesting that he asked why YOU were silent. It sounds like he is so used to you making efforts that he doesn’t really have to. And when you didn’t make that effort, he missed you. That is a great sign! Maybe try that more often. It’s good for him to feel like he misses you and notices you are not present. That can inspire him to want to reach out as well!
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
What a fascinating situation. There are soooo many layers and potential answers that I could give you. I just want to give you 1 bottom line answer before I give any opinions. The answer….there is no 1 right or wrong answer….you have a path ahead of you. No matter the path you take, you will be okay. Either path is full of hurt AND love….so whether you choose to keep him in your life or not, trust that you will know what is okay for you in the moment.
You are definitely entering into a more risky type of situation, however not an impossible one. I HAVE known couples who were absolutely happy with an open relationship. There IS evidence that something like that can work for a period of time….just like anything…it works until it doesn’t
1. swinging is definitely more popular than it used to be. There is A LOT of push against marriage more and more because the divorce rate is over 50% these days and people are waiting longer and longer to get married and many people don’t even want to get married as they feel it is a pointless endeavor. Also…I strongly believe that technology has influenced so much of our state of mind these days. Because we all can have answers as quick as a touch of a button, our ability to have impulse control has gone waaaay down. People want what they want NOW and most of the time they get it. Therefore….a person’s needs might come up and they want to deal with it quickly and easily so they do….it happens many many times in a day….which can lead to larger appetites for things in life….which ultimately means (getting to my point now) people are EASILY bored….so they are looking for more and more things to shock, entertain and stimulate. Look at the movies these days. Compare a horror movie today to a horror movie even 10 years ago. I could talk about this forever, so I’ll stop. I think you get my point!
2. Expectations can be a VERY tricky kind of thing. When you start to place rules on the relationship and how it is “supposed” to function, that can actually be the point where everything can make a turn for the worst. Here is a simple example. I had a boyfriend awhile back who had never been faithful to a single woman in his life. I entered into the relationship with the intent that I am just going to have fun and see where it goes. As it turns out….I was the very first woman he never cheated on. He was very used to the ladies trying to control him. They always put rules on him and would easily get jealous (he was very attractive so he got a ton of attention). This caused him to want to break out and rebel…so he did and he would cheat..until he came across me…I will never forget the very first time he said to me….”Hey, I’m going out to the club dancing (he looked amazing), I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” I said, “Man, you look hot! You enjoy yourself. I will talk to you tomorrow.” I gave him a SUPER amazing kiss good night. Then a funny thing happened….he showed up at my place around 330am. He came straight to my house after dancing and snuggled right up. He did this every single time he went out dancing. We have stayed friends for a super long time now and many times has said to me….it felt amazing to be faithful to a woman and WANT to stay faithful. The trick? I didn’t put rules on him that made him want to break free. We did agree to a few boundaries that made us BOTH feel very comfortable, but it was a conversation that came from respect and honor for both of our needs.
I’m just going to leave it at that for the moment. I want to invite you to consider the type of relationship you really want to build with him. It sounds like you really want to build trust and emotional safety and respect. If you want him to trust you and feel safe to be his FULL AUTHENTIC self, then how can he show you that when there are rules as to who he is allowed to socialize with? Maybe consider the idea of letting him come to those conclusions himself out of respect for you, him and the other people vs. having an expectation he has to abide by, by not sending birthday messages or having dinner alone with ex partners. If you really look at this on a deeper level, you are dealing with a lot of fear of risking with him. You are wanting to feel safer about your experience with him, of course, so you set boundaries that will make you feel safe enough to continue forward. So this more about YOU feeling safe inside of yourself. If you felt totally grounded in your value, how amazing you are and that you are the world’s best catch and he is crazy lucky to have you….it wouldn’t matter what he did or who he sent birthday messages to. When I had that boyfriend, I honestly did not have a care in the world what he was doing on that dance floor. I figured he was probably all in the ladies’ business and flirting like crazy. His actions though, had NOTHING to do with me. His choice to behave like that was all about his own needs deep inside that he needed to confront and face when he was ready….and eventually he became VERY ready to face all of that and we became even closer.
My point in all of this….is that his lifestyle was what it was because of many things I’m sure. If he worked through any traumas or emotional challenges that contributed to that lifestyle and now feels really ready to do monogamy, then the odds are in your favor, but if he hasn’t worked through that stuff, then it is likely he will crave that type of lifestyle again or bring some of the kinky kind of things to your bedroom. Either way…whatever he chooses is not a reflection of you. It is HIS journey and for him to face and the more you can let him do that with freedom, the easier it will be for him to open up to you and be who he really is.
I know I did not answer all of your questions….I just wanted to offer some things for you to think about and respond to. I would love to hear your thoughts about what I’ve said. I look forward to hearing more from you so we can continue this conversation!
Heidi
Hi Agnes,
Wow! How completely shocking! I am so sorry to hear this. One minute you are planning your lives together and the next minute, he is re-connecting with his ex and causing a lot of discomfort for you…and now he is choosing to disconnect. I know none of it makes any sense. My best guess from his reaction, is that he is not over his ex. How long were they broken up before you and him got together?
Here is the things…she slept with his brother. That is a SUPER DOUBLE WHAMMY! That’s major betrayal and if he never forgave her or his brother, that anger and hurt would keep him VERY bonded to her….and it makes their relationship very layered and dynamic. If she started apologizing and softening those walls, that is going to be a HUGE relief for him and pull him back into her pretty easily. I’m sure he is completely torn at the moment. On one hand, I’m sure he still loves her and wants his family together….and on the other hand, he bonded with you and started creating a life with you even though he wasn’t resolved about his past with her.
So I have no doubt he is super confused!
I first want to ask you this question….being that he is not over his ex girlfriend and still has some things to resolve with her, are you sure you want him back under those conditions? He obviously is not willing to give up talking to her, so will you accept him in your life even though you will have to share his attention? It doesn’t sound like he is ready to fully commit to you and close the door on his ex. That is his own issue that he needs to work out on his own. You can do everything in the world to try to get his attention back to you….and even if his attention comes back to you, that will NOT change the underlying issue that he still has a connection with his ex that is unresolved….so that means he is not really fully emotionally available for you.
If all of that is okay for you and you still want to keep trying to get his attention, let us know. There are some things that might help. But for now, really think about what you want and whether he will be able to offer it to you. It does not matter what happened in the past 6 months. It is not who he is in the present moment. So you have to really look at who he is today and decide from that space.
I am so so sorry you are going through this! Something like this really hurts! For now, I suggest to stay away. Let him calm down and let him feel the absence of you in his life. Work on yourself and getting a very clear mindset. You will talk again and you want to make sure it doesn’t turn into an argument as that is what gave him the feeling to disconnect.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Camille!
What a great question! How wonderful that he was able to move to where you are so you guys can build a relationship. That is a HUGE deal.
I’m glad you are acknowledging the struggle he is having about money. Until his business really gets going, it just may be a bit stressful. I first want to give you an analogy that may help you understand your role for him a bit better. He is in tornado mode right now….not very grounded, probably moving in a scatter direction and he is most likely feeling very chaotic inside….like a tornado. You need to be the ground. You can be that 1 constant in his life. You can help keep him grounded while he is messy. So that means staying calm, stable and not getting into arguments with him about money.
The first place I would have you start is working on a better way to “argue” so to speak. Is there a way you can think of that can keep the subject more at a conversation level vs. getting more intense into an argument mode?
I also would recommend activating his “hero” instinct. Not having enough money will activate a man’s low self esteem quite a bit and feeling of powerlessness. By asking for his help with things here and there…it can help him feel like he can do SOMETHING to help you….which is important for him to feel at the moment. Do you have any ideas of things you can ask him to help you with?
Compliments are also a great thing every once in awhile. Things like, “My life is better with you in it. I laugh more, I feel myself more open than I ever have been and I am just more happy with you around.” or “I know you are in a re-building phase right now and that is just plain difficult. I have every confidence in you that you will make everything happen just as you need it to. And that feels really good for me to say. I really like that I can feel respect for my guy. I am realizing that is actually really important for me.”
Of course you do not want to bombard him with compliments or asking for help. It can overwhelm him or he may even feel like you are trying too hard. So let it happen organically….when you are inspired and really feel it vs. forcing it.
Lastly, there is no harm at all in asking him directly, “Is there anything I can do right now to make your life easier?” “What can I do right now to help. I can feel your tension about money and business. How about a foot rub with a glass of wine? or how about I make you your favorite dinner”
Another idea, of which I won’t go into much detail, but men who are feeling like he does, can really find their power, their manhood through sex. So maybe you can create some really fun scenarios that really help him activate that carnal, male instinct of his.
Hopefully this gives you some good ideas of where to start!
Heidi
Hi Darci!
I am so glad you are taking this slow and really going to take the time to work on yourself and giving him space to do what he needs to do! There is nothing easy about that path, yet it full of more gifts for you than you even realize. I truly hope this ends up how you really want. If it doesn’t, keep us in the loop so we can help you through it should you decide it is time to let it go.
It sounds like you are in a really good mindset at the moment. As you start to go through the Relationship Rewrite method, let us know your thoughts, what you are learning, any questions etc.
Thank you for trusting us with your challenges!
Heidi
A good book to start with is the “relationship rewrite method” Do you have that one from this program? It can help you understand quite a bit about the skills needed to re-design a relationship that did not work the first time around. I also really like Dr. John Gottman. http://www.gottman.com He is a top person in the relationship world that has some WONDERFUL blogs that offer tips of how to heal relationships. Maybe if your guy comes back, you both can go through a weekend workshop together and learn how to relate to each other differently. Brene Brown is also another great person who offers some wonderful truths for healing. She has a TON of videos on you tube that are fabulous!!!
Hope this gives you some ideas!
Heidi
Hi Darci!
I thought your name seemed familiar! I remember your story.
Have you had any contact at all with him? It may take a lot of time. Since his pattern is to shut off when things get stressful, those walls are usually pretty tough to break through. Even if you did get him back, he will always be like this unless he eventually decides to work on the hurt he is holding onto for dear life.
All you can really do is continue to work on yourself and improving the part of you that contributed to the stress in the relationship. If he does come back, your relationship needs to be different than it was before. Is there anything you can do to on your end to help make that happen?
Since he has dealt with abandonment from his father and almost lost his sister then almost lost you and he lost his child….that is A LOT of loss. He will (on a subconscious level) probably pair love with loss. So to love means he has to risk losing….so not loving is easier. The problem is, he WANTS to love as well….so those split sides of him will keep having this battle….and whatever side of him wins at the moment is the side that is deciding the design of his life. Right now, his fear is in the driver’s seat. Although you were part of the challenge in the relationship….how he is handling it and his choices have NOTHING to do with you. He is functioning from a lot of hurt and fear that existed way before you came along.
If you want him back, keep in mind that you want to help him feel safe with you again. Maybe you can reach out for Christmas and get him a small gift and card letting him know you are thinking about him. You could say something like, “I know we are not together anymore. I am doing the best I can to adapt to that, but it doesn’t change that I still miss your smile and the laughter we used to have together. Here is something small I found that made me think of you. I truly wish you the deepest happiness.” Find a way to get to him without seeing him.
Then maybe in another month you could send him a letter to the affect, “I decided to try to work on healing some of the hurt I am feeling from the loss of our baby and the loss of you in my life. I started reading this book and I have learned a lot about myself. I realized how much my reactions created a lot of stress in our lives. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to let go of all that hurt and be a different person. So I am starting by writing you this letter to apologize. I was not the best person to you sometimes and that makes me really sad. I can understand why you needed to just not argue with me anymore. It helped wake me up and bring me to this very moment of healing…which feels really good. I’m always sending you a lot of good thoughts. Take care”
Obviously if you were to write that kind of letter, you actually are learning and healing. The more you accept the situation and stop fighting what is happening, the more likely he will come back to you. Kind of like martial arts. There is a certain practice where they train you to go with the force and not fight it. So as someone is generating power to hit you, instead of stopping that momentum, you go with the flow and use that power and force to help generate your own power and force. So instead of blocking that hit, you might move out of the way and then put and arm up to join the arm of your opponent and push them further in the direction they are hitting and cause them fall. Does this make any sense? lol! It’s a simple principle…the more you find gratitude and happiness in the present moment, the more you will attract to you what you really want. When you spend your time trying to change everything, you miss the lessons that are here for you now, you miss the beauty that does exist and you end up attracting more struggle to you. So that is why I am inviting you to start to work on yourself. Love yourself as much as you love him! Start to heal the parts of you that have had to deal with GREAT loss. When you do that, it will role model for him what he needs to do. And you might be surprised what ends up showing up for you.
We would love to hear your thoughts on how all of this makes you feel!
Heidi
Hi Darci!
What you are going through is so confusing and definitely difficult. To have such strong feelings and then all of a sudden not being together anymore….it’s shocking and it doesn’t make any sense.
Each person is so different. Yes…he can absolutely pretend. Anyone can. The first thought that comes to mind is a guy who has a lot of emptiness inside. In order to fill that emptiness, he uses a woman to make him feel better. He can bond and go deep with a woman all with the goal of getting her to fall in love with him. The more the woman falls for him, the more it validates who he is. Then when things get more serious and the woman is asking for more, he bails. I’m not at all saying this is his game and if it were, that we would be conscious of this. To be honest, I used to be like that. The more I could get a guy to fall for me, the better I felt. I would definitely have feelings for the guy, but never to the extent that they felt for me and I usually would reach a point where I just couldn’t do it anymore. And every single time, they were shocked and didn’t understand. I had so much low self esteem and A LOT of woundedness around male energy. It took a lot of healing to change that harmful pattern.
That is my best guess. For someone to disconnect when everything is going great…either something happened that you are not aware of or there is dysfunction happening.
What is most important for YOU….is to not blame yourself.. It is our very nature, as women, to try to figure out what we did to cause disconnection. Maybe you can find a reason and maybe you can’t. Either way….it doesn’t really matter. If he decided to leave without giving you a chance, without letting you know what was happening for him, then there is just not much you can do except honor his choice and move on.
Out of curiosity….did he just ghost or did he at least communicate to you that he was moving on? If he did say something to you, did he give you a reason?
Heidi
