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Hi Giselle!
This is really hard what you are doing. It hurts. You want him to choose you and he is not doing that….so it’s time to choose yourself.
Here is something simple you could say. “You know….I learned something new about myself and it includes you, so I want to share with you. I learned that it hurt when you told me you were in a new relationship. I learned that I really can’t look at you as just a friend. Truth be told, I want to be her….and I’m not. It hurts, but I will be okay. This also means that I need to shift how we interact. I’m not ready to be friends yet. I need some time to deal with my feelings and create some closure. I want to honor your choice with this other woman, so that means the best way I can do that is to stay away and take care of myself. I also want to ask you to not come on the trip. I don’t know how to be “just friends” with you. I have too many feelings and it just hurts. As I am honoring your choice, I request that you respect that I need some time away from you so I can move on and heal.”
How does that make you feel? The goal here is, not to blame him, be angry at him….but to just take responsibility for how you feel and create a clear boundary that will help you heal. You keep the conversation about how you feel and what you need in light of his choice.
Heidi
Holy smokes!!! Wow! Look at you!!!! You are taking back all of your power and creating the life you really want and need in order to thrive. Well done! That is sooooo hard to do!!! It sounds like you are handling everything really well. You are allowing the tears and hurt to be there and you are allowing yourself to grieve. Something like this is a roller coaster ride. Some days are amazing, some days completely suck and some are in between. As you do more and more healing, you will have more and more up days and less down days. hang in there!!! We are here for you, even if you want to just write in and vent and talk about what a crappy day you are having.
You are worth fighting for and I am immensely proud of you. You have many gifts ahead of you. Stay the course and keep your sights on yourself and learning to love yourself more and more.
Keep us updated please!
p.s. thank you for the compliment and calling me amazing! it always feels really wonderful to have someone think that about me.
Heidi
Hi Sietske,
It sounds like you have a wonderful connection with him!
Yes, it’s okay to contact him again for now. I would not initiate meeting up, but you could make a really small effort and see what he does with that. For example, you could say something like, “I saw this movie the other day that totally reminded me of what we talked about. You should check it out!”
If you say something to the effect of you saw something or heard something that reminded you of him, it’s sweet, simple and lets him know you thought about him. And it’s something that doesn’t really force a conversation…meaning, if you text and say, “how are you?” it creates a conversation and you initiating that conversation. If you say something like, “Hey, I saw this and thought of you….” and leave it at that, it allows for the space for the guy to initiate further conversation with you if he wants.
Does this make sense? I know the old fashioned thinking as I have that tendency as well. So a good compromise is just saying a statement like that and then let it be. He will have to initiate and create conversation so it still leaves the ball in his court to make some effort.
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Andrea!
Thank you sooooo much for your honesty! It helps me be a better guide. Trying to offer someone advice online, knowing such limited details and having such limited interaction is hard. I find it to be the most difficult part of this process. There are sooooo many dynamics and things to consider for each situation, but I cannot go into ALL of them, because it’s just too much information. So what I try to do is find the most important aspect that I see and coach from there….and sometimes it gets confusing on the receiving end because it is not the entire picture. So you telling us this is good information for me…it helps me learn how to say things differently, figure out if what I am saying is coming across different that what I mean etc.
So I will make an attempt at explaining what I mean further and see how this goes and I trust you will write back with your wonderful questions and thoughts again!
In working with the general concept of acceptance, it does not necessarily mean there cannot be change and growth. The most powerful change and growth actually comes from a place of acceptance. When you take on the spirit that what is happening in the moment is not okay and you want to change it, it creates a struggle. That struggle also creates a very limited perspective. A really simple example is this….if you were to go on a hike and your only thought is to get to the peak of the mountain, you would not see the beauty along the way. You might see some things briefly, but you truly would see nothing for all that it can offer you. It goes with that saying, “life is a journey, not a destination.” That’s what I meant to portray to you. If all you focus on is getting him back, then you end up missing some of the gifts that could be there for you during the journey. When anyone becomes so focused on not being able to be truly and completely happy unless they have what they want or think they need…then they miss out on life. If someone was 200lbs overweight…they have to work on accepting that they are 200lbs overweight and still be able to find joy in their life. Does that mean that they also cannot work on changing their diet and exercise? Absolutely not! If they can accept what is, in the moment (they are overweight) AND work towards becoming healthier, THEN the process becomes so much more powerful! The part where it can be ineffective though….is if that person was driven by looking a certain way. If they keep thinking, “I am going to eat healthy until I am only 130 lbs and a size 6” then again, they miss the journey. The healthy perspective would be, “I am going to connect to my body and listen to the symptoms it has to tell me. I am going to love my body and care for my body in a way that is respectful, honoring and caring. Whatever my body ends up looking like, on any given day, is okay.” That way, happiness is not based on something external changing….it based on an internal process. So this is where I am saying for you, the perspective of, “I am not with the person I love for right now. I am okay and loveable whether or not he chooses me. I am going to still continue to learn how to be a better partner because that is the kind of person I want to be. If he comes back and wants to fight for me, then great. If not, I will be okay.”
So for you…I am saying, accept that for today, he has made his choice. If you are only doing all of this work just to get him back, you are approaching this like the person on the hike. Getting to the mountain peak is all that matters….and then you miss the journey along the way. Because reality is, nothing is a guarantee….you could learn all the skills you want, change your behavior the best the you know how and do everything under the sun perfectly and exactly as it is supposed to be….and it still does not guarantee he will come back. So then what? You went to all of that effort and still did not get what you wanted. Whereas….if you go through all of this effort so you can learn how to be a better person, a better partner etc. and learn how to be okay whether or not he comes back….THEN you are on a winning path where you won’t feel so empty if you don’t get what you want. Acceptance that the relationship is over for today AND still implementing all that you are learning needs to be for the sole reason that you want to be a better partner. That is the hardest part about this whole thing! Learning to be okay and comfortable in the unknown. It is one of the skills I really teach people to work through because you will need that skill for the rest of your life! How can you find peace and acceptance for what is happening RIGHT NOW? If you want things to be different, then it’s about making changes in yourself because you want to be more of your potential…not because you want to change something outside of yourself. That is about controlling your life vs. accepting. And that’s where it gets confusing. Acceptance does not mean you don’t make changes. Acceptance means you find peace with what is….it doesn’t mean giving up. Acceptance means going with the flow but it doesn’t mean you can’t influence where the flow is going. I accept that for right now, I am single and I have a wonderful peace about that. Does the mean that I don’t keep my heart and eyes open for a man to come along and change that? Nope. I am always working on myself to improve my presence, my emotional health, my physical health, my teaching abilities etc….but not so I can get a man one day…purely because I am here, living each day the best possible way that I can. Whatever shows up along the way, is what shows up. I have no other control than that. I will not invest my energy in doing something specific to make sure I bring a man into my life…and believe me, I have tried that. I found that it stole my joy and peace. I found that when it wasn’t working, it was frustrated and kept thinking “what is wrong with me?” There was nothing “wrong.” It was that my focus was not on enjoying life TODAY, because that’s all we have anyways. When I just started focusing on becoming more loving, accepting and peaceful with what shows up in my life, I found freedom. Struggle with what was happening (even though sometimes it brought hurt) was much less as I found the struggle had gifts for me.
Is this making any more sense?
No one can tell you what to do here Andrea. This is your process. We cannot tell you to give up or keep moving forward. What we can do is give you ideas of how to influence the outcome. But what I also want to encourage for you, is to work towards finding peace and happiness with what is happening right now as well. If you feel like you will only be happy if he comes back, then that’s where you are putting your happiness in the hands that don’t need to be holding it. Your happiness belongs in your hands and you have control over that…and that’s about all you really have control over.
As far as what he said to you about how you communicated to him the past, be kind to yourself. You are human. All we can ever do is be who we are until something shows us that it does not work anymore. We all have times where we have to wake up to ourselves and it’s awfully painful to know the damage we have caused. So love yourself and forgive yourself. I’m glad he had the strength to tell you, so now your awareness empowers you to improve that part of yourself.
It IS hard. It hurts, you feel powerless, you feel lost and confused. There is NOTHING easy about that. What if you could free yourself from those emotions even if he doesn’t come back? What if that was your goal? THEN….if he does come back, you will be a much better partner and be able to offer him a much more healthy relationship and most likely, will support a relationship that lasts a loooong time!!!
Hopefully this is more clear what I am saying….I would love your feedback and honesty!!!
Heidi
Hi Bette,
What I meant about having a longstanding pattern is that for a few years now, you have been very unhappy and kept waiting for him to change….which then led into you deciding to get a divorce but still offering booty calls. My guess is, this has been a pattern in your life many times, probably even since you were a child. This type of pattern is a coping pattern. It’s how we end up dealing with our lives and the challenges and often times is developed from childhood. This type of pattern is co-dependent…which means “meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself.” This is not a bad thing actually….it’s an important quality to have in a relationship….it’s just when it gets out of balance that it becomes toxic and harmful. I know for me, I tend towards narcissism in certain areas of my life and dependence in other areas. I will always be this way and those are the patterns that show up when I am in survival mode. My goal is to not necessarily change those qualities of my coping mechanism….I look at them as symptoms. So if I am being more narcissistic, then it just tells me that I am starting to head into scarcity mode and it’s time to start to take care of my emotional health. Can you look back at your life and recognize this pattern of yours? Is it your initial reaction to want to make everyone happy? Is it hard for you to disappoint people and not give them what they need? I mentioned this about you because some of the language you have used to describe your situation has the flavor of co-dependence. What do you think?
You are starting to write from a stronger place. It’s wonderful to read! You are becoming much more clear about what you want and need! I should have been more clear about no communication with your ex. I mean, no more communication about relationship stuff. If he brings it up, I’m suggesting not to even discuss it or have a response. Your response can be, this is not up for discussion and move onto the topics that need to be addressed about houses, animals, finances etc. If he continues to bring it up, you can always say, I’m going to get off the phone now. I will call back later to discuss the finances.
As far as your friend goes…it sounds like for now, it you are not interested in disconnecting and that the relationship is appropriate. I still feel that there is potential for some not good things. A married man is creating a friendship with an available woman whom there was a romantic connection with. But hey….I could totally be wrong! Maybe it will turn out to be okay in the long run. Maybe it won’t….if it ends up being something of a challenge, knowing your spirit and your wonderful desire to know the truth and face things….I have full confidence you will deal with it!!! So all in all….this is completely your design and this is how you get to know yourself and your limitations and your limitlessness!
Thoughts???
Heidi
Hi Andrea!
You are asking a lot of very important questions…and some hard questions as well. No one can predict what will happen. There is NOTHING that exists that works 100% of the time. Each person has their own unique situation and so many variables, so as much as these programs work, sometimes they don’t. It just all depends on what is really going on between the couple.
First and foremost, I want to encourage you again to spend your time and money on helping YOURSELF. The more you heal, forgive and work on your own limitations, the more clear you will be anyways. Yes, learning skills to be a better partner is always helpful. But if all you focus on is getting him back, you end up missing many things along that way that may be important for you. It’s like having tunnel vision and that can be very limiting and misleading.
It sounds like every time you bring up anything about the relationship, “i.e. I miss my best friend” it causes him to pull back. Asking him to stay in your son’s life is a pretty big request. It’s not really healthy for you nor your son….being involved in a kid’s life is a lifetime commitment and there is no way he could commit to something like that. That is the hardest part about dating. Your kids get affected as well.
This is really your choice as to what to do. If you want to continue investing all of your energy into trying to get him back, then that means you will have to deal with a lot of rejection and uncertainty for awhile. If you want closure, then it’s time to move on and close the door. If you stay, it’s like having and open wound that you will just have to deal with the pain that comes along with that. If you decide to honor his choice, then that’s allowing the wound to heal. Yes, it hurts but time will heal. It does get better. Part of your hurt that you are feeling now is the constant uncertainty. There is no closure so this open wound just stays open and raw and painful. You have to decide what is best FOR YOU considering the circumstances. Today, he is not coming back….and that is all you have. If you live in the moment, then you make decisions according to the information you have TODAY. It’s not to say that he won’t come back at some point. He could. I have seen that happen as well, but I always advise people to deal what is happening NOW….not what could be, as anything could happen.
What are your thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Tracey!
I can see why you are completely confused! He is saying one thing and doing another.
I just have a few questions….
What does he think a “relationship” is? He is behaving like he is in a committed relationship with you. All his actions are in alignment with that, so what does he think or believe will happen if he says he is committed to you? What EXACTLY is holding him back? What EXACTLY does he believe he cannot offer to you?
Why is he not legally divorced? How long ago did they break up? How long were they married? Do you know why she cheated on him? Is he planning on getting a divorce? When?
I’m wondering if he doesn’t want to commit because he hasn’t even cut the ties from his wife. I want to really warn you to slow this down. He is not even legally available. He still has a wife. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t live with her or isn’t in relationship with her. Something is stopping him from moving on completely in his life and that means some serious red flags! I can’t tell you how many times people end up going through some emotional turmoil once divorce proceedings begin. It’s a big loss….a loss of a dream and there is a lot of emotional baggage that comes along with that….even if it is years later!
I know you are falling for him and it’s near impossible to cut that off. You are heading down a pretty rocky path though. He is not being very kind to you actually…he is romancing you like crazy, connecting with you and developing a wonderful friendship with you…occasionally kissing you…..all the while telling you that he is not willing to be in a relationship with you. Whether he is conscious of this or not….he is playing with your HEART!!!! There is NO WAY you can guard against being treated like that! Of course you are falling for him! Any woman would!!!! If he cannot be in a relationship, what is he doing dating??? What is he doing pulling you emotionally deeper and deeper towards him KNOWING that you are falling for him! And then….when you tell him that you are falling for him, he turns up the heat by being more and more connective with you. OF COURSE THE LINES ARE BLURRED!!!! He is being irresponsible and not REALLY caring about how he is affecting you. He is getting ALL of his needs met with you but not willing to meet YOUR needs. I know he treats you super well and makes you feel amazing and is meeting your needs, but he is not honoring what your heart is going through and the consequences of that. If he really cared about you….he would also care that he is causing you to fall in love with him and he cannot offer that in return….which means he is not caring how much he is ultimately hurting you.
Being that he is not going to change….you are the one responsible for protecting your heart. If you choose to move forward with this, then you are falling in love with a man who is no available and that is a REALLY tough road. I get it’s super wonderful right now, but you are falling in love and now you are heading into danger zone. I also know that the idea of letting him go will crush your heart too. This is what I would advise though….he is not available for you….at least not right now….at least as long as he is still married….he needs to cut ties and work through the loss of his family unit and all the emotions that come along with that….THEN he can start to date and consider a relationship again. It’s up to you though. Either path…choosing to stay or choosing to go….is up to you. If you choose to stay….understand there are no blurred lines here. Something is stopping him from moving forward and it is what it is….you need to accept that. His actions and his words are not in alignment and that is just going to be how it is. If you accept that, then there is no confusion. If he ever decides to be honest and share with you “why” he is behaving in this way….then maybe you will get more clarity and find more peace in your decision.
If you are not willing to let him go…then maybe consider starting to date others and start to put boundaries up. No stopping by…only seeing each other every once in awhile and cut down on how much you communicate. If you really slow this down, it may help you gather more perspective about what is happening. Dating may also help divert and distract you to help you slow this down.
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi!
Well….he is interested enough to have responded and said good morning. It’s such a new encounter which makes the connection pretty fragile. He could be interested today, but something changes by next week! That’s even true for you!!
Whenever getting to know someone…it’s a day to day kind of thing….until you build up some time and experience together to establish patterns and confidence in each other.
So for today…he responded which is enough for you to go on that he is interested to at least interact with you. I wish I could give you more of a solid yes or no….you, nor I, have no clue what is going on in his life, what he is like and what will happen. That is always the risk and adventure in getting to know someone.
Heidi
Hi Giselle!
I can see why you are confused! I would be uncomfortable as well. Just a few questions….during this past year, were you just friends or were you being intimate at all? When he told you about this new relationship….what did you say? Were you honest about how it made you feel? If yes, what did he say and how was it resolved? If no, what is stopping you from being honest?
Heidi
hahaha! you are quite delightful Brenda!!!
You have a VERY normal fear and it’s okay. For now, focusing on yourself is what is important for you. Don’t worry about the men. If they hit on you, you can just smile and say something like, “wow….you really flatter me and just made my day and I thank you for the courage to ask me out. Right now, I am just focusing on rebuilding my life after a tough relationship. But again, thank you!”
Here is why I want you to only think about yourself right now. You have a long standing pattern of sacrificing yourself for a man. That pattern does not go away overnight. Taking a goooood amount of time to see who you are without any man to take care of, worry about etc. will bring up all kinds of issue, insecurities and fears. If you never face those fears, you will only choose another guy that pulls that ineffective side out of you and that is not what you want. You want to spend some time healing and working on the issues that caused you to get connected to an alcoholic in the first place and the part of you that stayed for as long as you did. Develop a brand new self esteem centered around you loving and caring for your heart and most of all….PROTECTING it! That is going to be a skill for you! If you went out dating right now, you would easily fall into some of those same patterns again. Maybe considering not dating for a good year. See if you can stay disconnected completely from your ex and your chat friend. No communication! Your ex husband has a LOOOOONG road ahead of him. Even if he did clean up, he needs to stay single for a very long time before he would be healthy enough for a relationship, so you staying connected to him will not serve you in any way other than keeping you in a pattern of staying connected to a man who is trying to fight for you. He gives you a good self esteem boost because he is fighting for you! But it’s not a healthy, nor stable type of self esteem he is giving you.
So spend some time alone and make this a season where you date yourself. You get to know who you are completely separate of any man and their attentions….who are you if you don’t have to take care of someone??? Go find out! You can read books, do weekend workshops and start to find people who are likeminded and on the same path as you. There are usually women’s groups where a coach or therapist guides them through a process. That may be a great way to have accountability and develop friendships….because if you really choose to face this….you will want some help and need some good friends. It won’t be a comfortable path at first, but if you can stay the course, the strength you will develop will be long lasting and will put a beautiful smile on your face that is different than you ever have felt before! THEN….when you have more confidence and have an internal self esteem….THEN you go out and date. You will find that you will attract a completely different kind of man many times. When you become stronger, you will attract a stronger man. Someone like your ex husband will not even make you take a second look….you will have grown past that level.
Does this make sense? How do you feel about this?
Heidi
Hi Trudi!
You are feeling what all of us would feel. It’s the hardest part to get your heart to forgive!
I usually go about it a few different ways until I get the result that I want.
First thing is first though….you have to make that choice that you are going to choose forgiveness no matter what and you will work on it until you have reached that point. If that is something you feel you will not decide at the moment, that is totally your choice…and I get it as I have made that choice sometimes. I just want you to remember there are consequences for that choice…it will keep you from connecting more, it is toxic to your body physically and your ability to be happy will always be limited.
1. One thing I work on is really connecting into the woundedness of the person who made the decision that hurt me. It helps me connect into their humanness and have compassion and reminds me of times I have caused great harm to someone. Bottom line is, it’s not personal. He made that decision because he was hurting and not getting his needs met (which is his responsibility, not yours) and reality is, he most likely would have made that same exact decision even if he married someone else. His choice is his choice and has nothing to do with you, it has to do with him. And maybe….just maybe….this is the best thing that could have ever happened. Maybe, if you both keep choosing to grow and forgive, you guys will become closer than ever. At the very least, it was a wake up call for both of you and as much as those hurt, they can be blessings at the same time.
2. The story you are choosing to hold onto is this one little piece “but he cheated.” What if you told yourself THE WHOLE STORY vs. holding onto that 1 little piece. The whole story goes past the cheating where you both are growing more now, are becoming better partners to each other and evolving your love into something more and different. You just had an incredibly romantic vacation with him! So instead of saying, “But he cheated” you say “he cheated AND….now we are growing closer, learning how to be better partners and working towards a marriage that is more healthy.” It is your resentment that wants to only say “he cheated” If you told the entire story to yourself, it would be hard to hold onto that resentment because following the pain, there has been many gifts.
3. Lastly, this is a “prayer” so to speak that I always use for forgiveness and works really well. I say it and say it until I get the results I am looking for…which is freedom from my hurt. This is how you could say it:
I choose to forgive my husband for not being the kind of husband I needed him to be which was…..loyal, honest, paying attention to his needs, taking care of himself, loving, authentic etc. I choose to forgive him for what he did and did not do, said or didn’t say, was and wasn’t, is and isn’t.
I choose to forgive myself for not being able to get my needs met which were….being unconditionally loved, being respected, honored, cared about, paid attention to etc.
Now imagine you have a watch on your wrist: Goodness (you can use god or universe or higher power…doesn’t matter really) I hand this watch on him over to you. You hold him accountable and be in charge of the time it takes for him to see his life through eyes of truth so he no longer hurts me, himself or anyone else.
Here is the watch on me. You be in charge of the time it takes for my healing. I choose to see my life through eyes of truth.
Give this a try a handful of times and see if it helps your heart shift some! Because Trudi, your life…your heart…is valuable enough to fight for. That resentment and that story “he cheated” costs you more than it ever will anyone else. Fight for your well being and your happiness! You are worth it!
Heidi
Hi Seitske!
You are asking a great question. I wish I could answer that for you, but no one could ever know. Yes there is a possibility of attraction developing and there also is the possibility of attraction NOT developing. I want to invite you to not view this as possibly wasting your time. Each experience you have with a guy, whether it works out or not, has value for you. You practice communication skills, feel different parts of who you are and learn more and more what you like and what doesn’t work for you.
Your last sentence is all you need to know right now. He is worth spending time with and that is all that matters. I remember my very first love, I had NO attraction towards him whatsoever, but we were good friends for over a year….then one day I had feelings for him….I even remember the exact moment it happened and was completely taken aback as I was not expecting it. One minute I felt normal, then the next moment I felt butterflies for the first time. So strange! I have heard stories like that many times over the years….so to me, anything is possible. What matters for you right now is to focus on friendship and really enjoying yourself and I promise, over time, you will gather more and more information to make a decision when the time is needed.
Keep us updated! I’m curious!
Heidi
Brenda!
I am being completely honest with you when I say that I had some tears in my eyes reading this. You have been through and going through an incredible amount and to get to be a part of your process is an honor for me. The tears were about feeling what a special soul you are, making choices that caused you harm AND then turning around and making a different choice….not just 1 choice, but several choices that are going to start to create some movement towards loving yourself more and more….and my tears are in honor of the incredible strength and courage you have to make these new choices. Even though you feel like a fool for that moment with your friend, you also need to feel the strength and maiden warrior spirit you are!
You will have many ups and downs as you start to take this brand new journey. You are going to make some decisions that will be hurtful and betray your heart, but I want you to know something…those moments are just as important as the moments of taking your wonderful tap dance classes (which is an incredible thing you are doing btw….it sounds wonderful!). Those moments are valuable because it will remind you of who you don’t want to be…those moments expose the weak links in your chain and those moments are sometimes the most powerful because it builds your spirit of resiliency….and being resilient is one of the most important qualities to have in my opinion. Resiliency is what it takes to stand back up after being knocked down over and over and over…it is what allows you to still laugh after loss, fight for your dreams, believe in love again etc. You, Brenda, are being incredibly resilient and it warms my heart beyond any words. You are courageous and because of that…you will impact so many more people in this world because of it! You will be able to spread that lovely, warm and caring heart that is your gift to this world! So when you have those moments of feeling like a fool or making decisions that betray your heart….create a space of love and kindness towards yourself and replace your judgement with acceptance of your humanness.
And for you to be able to take what I said and appreciate it…man Brenda…I took a BIG risk in saying all of it because not many can handle that type of “medicine.” I have incredible respect for you. You have made this day worth all the challenges I am facing. You are a gift! Thank you!
Heidi
Hi Brenda,
You are doing some great work! Little baby steps in a direction that sounds more congruent with what you want and need.
I want to encourage you to take 1 step further with your “friend.” Staying friends on any level can still be dangerous right now. You may just need to find this out yourself, but it’s no different than breaking up with a boyfriend. There is an emotional and sexual connection and you break up and then try to be friends right after. I have not once come across a situation where that actually worked. You have to allow some time to heal from the disconnect…the main reason is this….you stay friends, you have set these boundaries, but then what happens when you are having a hard day, you feel lonely and then there he is….you will want comfort, you will want him to help you through it because he can….sexual energy can EASILY creep back in….if you remember what happened before….where you disconnected and were sure about what needed to happen, then one day, you reconnected and said you missed him. As long as you keep ANY door open with him, you are in the danger zone and so is he.
I also am going to say something that I want you to think about. It may come across as harsh and I don’t mean it that way at all. It’s just coming from a place of a lot of experience and you can take it or leave it….it’s totally up to you. And please know that what I am going to say does not come from any judgment at all. I actually am pretty familiar with this particular pattern so I can understand quite well what you are doing and why….and it’s all okay too!
Do you think it could be possible that you are using your husband’s drinking and “drowning in his sorrows mode” as an excuse to not face one of your biggest fears of being alone? You are having a relationship with a man who cannot offer you a future that you want….maybe you have rationalized in your mind that you are “saving his life” but maybe the truth is, you are more afraid to be alone? And maybe that’s why you chose not to completely disconnect from your friend? I know there are a ton of other fears involved in your decision…but this fear of being alone, my guess is, is one of the biggest.
I want you to be sooooo afraid of losing YOURSELF…because that is what is happening, slowly over time! That is why you became attracted to another man….you are soooo starved! You not wanting to get out there, you not interested in dancing even though you used to love it…those are some pretty strong symptoms of you being in survival mode. As long as you continue to choose to believe that you are the only one who can save your husband, you will never be free for anyone else….so of course you don’t want to get out there. What if you did and you met an amazing person….are you telling me that you would pass up that person who made you feel incredible because you couldn’t stop having booty calls with your ex husband and you couldn’t stop trying to save him because he might head deep into depression?? That would be the choice you would be faced with. What would you do?
I want to leave you with this thought as well. Your heart sounds incredibly amazing. It sounds like you are the kind of person that when you love, you really commit to it and want to feel it fully and completely. Do you know what an amazing gift that is???? That is a characteristic that it not natural for a lot of people. It’s special in my opinion. With that said, it means that you need to protect yourself EVEN MORE than most. Because you care and love deeply, it means that you can also easily get caught up in the exact situation you are in right now….caring so deeply for someone else at the expense of yourself….and that’s where it needs to be protected. You need to learn to love yourself first and THEN you can help others. It means that you have to be very careful who you hand your heart over to. It means that you are more sensitive and need more care and loving kindness. It’s a really wonderful quality you have. I want to encourage you to care about yourself the way you are caring so much about your ex husband. Why does he get all of your attention while you ignore yourself? Are you not valuable enough to love and care for?
Hopefully I gave you some things to think about and mull over. It’s a lot! We would looooove to hear your thoughts and feelings about all of it!
Heidi
Hi Cristina!
What an interesting situation you have found yourself in! It sounds like your reasoning for not wanting to date a guy with kids comes from a place of fear more than anything. Maybe it’s time for you to face that fear! Because reality is…you are not willing to walk away right now. I know you are confused, but if I told you to disconnect now, you are heading down a really bad road….would you do it? My guess is no…so you are making your decision…so stick with it and really choose to invest in this guy until you see fit to do otherwise. Maybe you can look at kids in this way…children bring out a side of you that only a child can do…it’s a special place that is meant only for them….just like an animal can….you will find that if you and this guy continue to grow closer, because you care about him, you will naturally care about the extensions of him….his children. You might find it to be really natural and easy to care for them. Regardless of them being raised with love, you are still going to have moments of difficulty though…especially if there is a special needs child. It’s just the life of having children around. It is going to be hard sometimes….so what….you just embrace your choice and you grow from those challenging moments. Each difficult moment, whether coming from a child or a coworker, can help you grow and learn things about yourself that are wonderful gifts…so the question is….do you want to have those types of experiences? You want children of your own, so this would definitely help teach you some skills you will need as a parent anyways.
Are you willing to let him go right now? If not, then you commit to your choice and stop questioning yourself. You will never get a real true answer about how you feel about all of it until you fully commit and try it on. You are never stuck. If you discover after awhile that it’s just not for you….then you will deal with that moment at that time….fear is a funny thing…it’s all about a future that hasn’t even happened. Stay present with yourself and your choice and trust that for now, the door is open….until it isn’t. If it shuts at some point, trust you will be okay and deal with it at that moment.
Also, I do want to support Kanya’s guidance when she said to keep it slow. I do feel that it’s more important than ever, being that he has children, that you guys really take things slow and feel each other out for awhile before meeting the kids. Have you guys talked about a timeline for that at all? Just curious.
Heidi
