Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi NH,
I’m so sorry for what you are going through! You have a lot of history together and it’s so hurtful to have your partner cheat and throw everything away. I don’t know the details of your situation and why you think he is cheating. Has he expressed that he is unhappy with you at all? Has he cheated before? What is he saying to you now? Is he saying he doesn’t want to be with you anymore or does he say there still might be a chance?
I highly recommend reading the relationship rewrite method even if it’s just to learn. Whether or not you apply the principles, it is ALWAYS helpful to understand how you could have been a better partner! It is useful for future relationships, whether with your current guy or a new one.
I don’t know if you have a chance, but you sound split. One part of you wants to give up and the other part wants to fight for him. As long as you are split like that, you will not be successful either way. The first thing you need to decide for yourself is which path you really want to invest in…that way you focus ALL of your energy on whichever path you decide instead of just part of your energy. You can always change your mind as well. If you decide to fight for him 100% then decide in a month or so that it’s just not worth it, then you change you mind…and vice versa.
How do you decide that? If you want to fight for him, it’s going to take a lot of time and patience with a very unpredictable outcome. There is no guarantee you can get him back….plus you have another woman in the picture that he claims to love. If you want him back, it’s first about understanding why this is happening in the first place. How can you become a better partner and how can he become a better partner. Getting him back will not work unless HE IS WILLING TO WORK ON IMPROVING THINGS TOO!!! If he is not willing and you are doing ALL of the work, then it might be time to let him go. No relationship will last in a happy way if only 1 person is doing all of the work to improve themselves and the relationship.
If you feel like it’s time to move on, then you need to really dedicate yourself to that path and work on healing from all the hurt. It’s hard at first, but eventually you will adjust and maybe even feel better without him.
What do you think about what I’ve said?
Heidi
Hi Erica!
I can definitely see why you are confused! I wouldn’t interpret his actions as “not interested.” It could be that he is HORRIBLE at texting, maybe he is seeing other people as well, maybe he is just not good at communicating. Here is what you need to look at first and foremost. PATTERNS. One time means nothing really, 2x means a weak pattern, 3x means a strong pattern. He is showing you a strong pattern by now that he is not consistent with communication…no matter how many times he apologizes. The reason doesn’t really matter….at this very point….it is who he is. Is this something you are willing to accept about him? If it is, then it means just letting it be what it is. Getting hurt feelings every time it happens means that you will be hurting quite a bit. If you can let it go and be at peace that this is who he is…then great!!! If not, you need to honor yourself that you need something different than what he offers and honor him by accepting for who he is and not try to change him.
In my book…healthy, authentic, consistent communication is one of the TOP requirements I have. Poor communication is one of the top 1 or 2 reason that people get divorced, so this area of the relationship is important!!!
I would not initiate. Let him make the effort. If your interactions always fall into the pattern where he disappears and you are the one who initiates the contact again, he will learn that is okay. So wait….let him feel the absence of you and let him work for you. He has to EARN your time and trust….in order to do that, he needs to make effort to keep you in his life.
Or….next time you see him, you could keep it light and simple and say something like, “I notice you disappear a lot and for quite a few days in a row. This is hard for me because in one moment you are telling me you want to jump my bones, then the next moment you are gone. I need some help to deal with this red light / green like kind of thing because I’m the type to connect more frequently. Can you help me understand what is happening?”
Maybe after gathering more information, you will have a better understanding. I always like to talk about things first so the guy is aware of how he is affecting me. Then I let it go and watch. Does he shift his behavior at all or does he just fall back into the same exact pattern? That gives me information as to whether or not he is really interested in caring about my experience. His words need to align with his actions.
So for now, wait until he contacts you, then when he does, maybe have a little chat and see what he does? Then you can decide from there whether it’s worth fighting for or not? It depends on what you feel comfortable doing.
Let us know your thoughts
Heidi
In this next phase where you are taking better care of yourself, feel free to use us as a resource. Kanya and I have a TON of ideas of books to read or people to follow that offer wonderful guidance!
Heidi
Hi Lori!
How wonderful! I am so glad to hear you have come into this space. Making yourself valuable is the most important thing you could do regardless of what happens. When you are happy inside, when you care about yourself and take care of yourself, the people around you that are worth keeping close, will fall in line with you. If they don’t, then that is important information for you to know about them.
I am reaaallllyyyy proud of you! Well done!
Heidi
Hi Gael,
I know!!! It would be much easier to understand how and why someone thinks the way they do! Only time will tell if he really meant it. From the sounds of it though, he is suuuuper busy and will most likely respond when he has a chance. If he does not respond, then you will have some information about him that is important for you to know.
I hope it works out!!!
Heidi
Hi Marguirite!
I am so sorry! I imagine this is very shocking for you and mostly confusing. Of course you are heartsick!
Can you send more details? Has he ever mentioned not being happy? Has he talked about anything that he needs from you? How did you find out about this other woman? Does he has a pattern of cheating? Do you know anything about this other woman?
It’s really hard to give you advice when there is no challenge to identify. The first thing I tell everyone though, is to find yourself and get grounded. When someone becomes “desperate” to get their person back, they don’t have a clear mind. Their mind and heart is so full of hurt they are willing to do anything to make it all go away. What is important is to do the best you can to take care of YOURSELF first. If your whole identity and happiness is wrapped up in this one person, this is a really good time to rip the bandaid off and start to find out you will be okay, even if he doesn’t return. How many times should you start over in your life? As many times as you need to! Age does not matter. Life is going to happen and hurt at 16 and at 90. The point is to never give up working for your happiness. 66 is still pretty young. Of course you can start over. You started over just a year and half ago from having a very horrible and traumatic experience. You can do it again if need be!
If he does return, then I think the most important thing to do is to understand him, listen to him and see how he is REALLY feeling. If he is off with another woman, then he either is unhappy with you or he does not really have the ability nor desire to commit to one person for a long time.
I just want you to be cautious at the moment. Even if there were a magical phrase to catch his attention again, it does not change that he is cheating which signifies a much deeper issue. So it’s important for you to try to get to the core issue of what is happening and then go from there.
Does this make sense??
Heidi
Hi Gael!
You were not wrong to walk away. You were honoring what you needed in the moment and doing the best you could. You were hurt. Truth be told, it’s impossible to be friends when you have those strong feelings. You needed some time, so in the future, you could say something like, “I have to be honest and decline your offer of friendship for the moment. I need some time to adjust my thinking and let go of these feelings I have for you. Once I do that, if I feel I can offer you friendship, I will definitely contact you. Does that feel okay for you?”
Now, you can say something like, “I have really enjoyed getting to know you. You are funny, we have good conversations, I like how I feel when I am around you. Yes, I want more however, I understand and honor you are not in that space at the moment. It took me a bit of time to adjust my thinking and feelings. Now that I have, I would like to take you up on your offer of friendship. I could use a good friend in my life. If you are still open to the idea, let me know. If not, I understand and wish you the very best in your life!”
How does that feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Gael,
Thank you for joining us and letting us know about your situation. It’s a tough one for sure. I am glad you are honoring who you are by admitting that being friends would hurt too much for you right now. I still have some hope though. It sounds like you guys had an incredible connection! But what is happening is that your speeds differ at the moment. You are ready for something deep and connective while he is trying to figure out his life with this new job transition.
What I like to tell people that are moving at different speeds is to work with themselves first. You have a need and expectation. Can you work with some of those emotions you are having? He sounds wonderful, but does not have much time to offer you. What if you took the perspective of…”He seems like a great guy to get to know. I WANT to develop a friendship first and really get to know him as my friend BEFORE I really let him into my heart.”
If I told you that in 6 years you and him would be married and have an incredible life together, would you feel the need to have more time with him NOW or disconnect because he wants to just be friends??? My guess is, if you new you were going to end up together anyways, you would be totally okay with taking your time and appreciating what he CAN give you vs. what he can’t give you right now. That is why I am encouraging you to maybe work on your expectations and needs. Is there a way for you to be totally happy and content with a friendship with him? ABSOLUTELY!!!! You just have to work on letting go of the hurt and rejection and re-adjusting your expectations to meet him where he is at right now. And as you develop a friendship with him, you still keep your options open as well and still live your life. I personally feel the very best relationships occur after a really strong friendship has been built.
What do you think? Can you work through the hurt first and then find a place to have a new friend in your life?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
Give him a little time. I understand your hurt feelings for sure! However, you don’t know what has happened. Maybe he lost his phone? If he has been around his mother the past 3 days, you never know what she could be pressuring him to do and feel. She could have even hid his phone for all you know. He may be just waiting until he can get away from her. Keeping the peace with her may be more important than sending you a quick text or call.
Just wait and work through your hurt feelings so that when he does contact you, you are not angry at him. Your connection will be much more healthy that way. It’s a general rule of mine to control my emotional reactions until I know the FULL truth. Otherwise, they are just stories we are making up in our minds and that cause us to spin out of control and make decision based on NOTHING. And I would hate to see you get all upset about something that may not even be necessary. He may have a really good reason for not contacting you right now.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Minh!
So the heart is where we feel the extremes of emotion and everything in between. Our heart loves and our heart hurts and it has the ability to feel those opposite emotions at the same exact time. When someone carries hurts from their past around (what we refer to as “baggage”), it influences their ability to love. A part of them will want to love deeply and connect, yet another part of them (the part carrying the baggage) will be completely against it. We all have these sides to us to varying degrees. Whatever side is the biggest and strongest, is the one that eventually wins out….however sometimes, the part that wants to love will find an opportunity for that and will get a chance in the driver’s seat for awhile…but eventually the wounded part (who is being a back seat driver) will not let that part continue down the path of deep connection. So the wounded part will get back into the driver’s seat and create all kinds of chaos so as to prevent getting any closer or deeper to feeling love. The wounded part does not trust love. love = hurt whereas the healthier part that wants to love feels love = deep connection. Someone who is really wounded and has never taken the path of healing, will believe more than anything that love = hurt. It doesn’t mean they won’t love or get married….it just means their experience of love will be quite limited and many times will be quite chaotic.
Does this make more sense??
Heidi
This is a tough one Sarah. Finding that balance is quite tricky. The tricky part is to not fall into the pattern of being the only one that initiates all the time. I want you to really think about yourself in this too. I know you want him back, but I also don’t want you to lose yourself in the process. If you are the only one doing all the work to keep this going…eventually that can become unhealthy for you. just keep yourself in mind while you are going through all of this. It’s not okay for you to be the ONLY one doing all of the work to keep this going. It’s exhausting all the energy you are putting into this with little in return and that’s where you have to be careful. You are so focused on getting him back, it’s very easy to lose yourself, your needs, your attention to your own life. In order to keep YOURSELF healthy, remember to pay attention to yourself too and not spend all your energy trying to figure out the balance of you and him. It will help this whole process go much more smooth!
Not sure if this makes sense or if you are already taking good care of yourself….just thought it would be a good reminder for you!
Heidi
and deal with the hurt that comes with that loss and then rebuild your life in a design that supports what you really want.
If you choose to stay, the danger is in losing parts of yourself more and more over time and will take much longer for you to find yourself again….that’s the risk you are taking by staying….the risk you are taking by leaving is that maybe he would be someone who is willing to change and design a different relationship with you.
Looking at if from those perspectives, does that bring any more clarity for you?
Heidi
Hi Lori,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It’s tough. You are married yet don’t really have a husband who is present and willing to grow and develop a relationship with you.
You are asking a really hard question. No one can tell you what to do, but maybe if I give you some thoughts about what could happen in either direction, it may shine some light for you.
First, no matter what you decide to do, you will be okay. A lot of times, a person will make a decision out of fear…maybe fear of being alone, maybe fear of rejection, maybe fear of failure….so if you can remind yourself that whether you stay or go, you will figure it out and be okay. Each path has different consequences to it, so it really comes down to what path will nourish your soul and help you become the BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF POSSIBLE. When you are your best person…happy, joyful, kind, giving etc….you help the people around you, you create a positive environment around you and you end up really loving life…and that’s a pretty wonderful feeling! This is what most people really are after in their lives….
So if you stay and apply techniques and really work towards improving your marriage, you have a tough road ahead of yourself, but maybe no impossible. He is the wild card in this. He may never change or he may not. If he does not change, no matter what YOU do to become a better partner, you will still end up feeling quite alone, rejected and misunderstood. It’s important for BOTH people to grow together, learn the same types of techniques / language etc. if change is going to be effective. If he IS willing to change, then that means you both probably need some help to work through this together….maybe go to a couples retreat, read through books together, work on improving communication etc. The challenge here is, it sounds like he wants to stay in China and doesn’t really plan to come home. He did decide to move there despite how it made you feel, so I imagine he will also choose to stay, so reality is, unless you actually move there or he moves back…I’m not sure the relationship could really work. Maybe you decide to work on this longer to fight for him and just gather more information as to how he responds to you, how you respond to him etc. Then you can decide at that point.
If you decide to leave, then you have the challenges of the separation. It’s a whole new life you have to create. It’s rough in the beginning, but the advantage you have is that you have kind of already been alone for awhile. It sounds like you are really seeing how much you did not like how the marriage operated before. So you could decide you no longer want to be in that type of relationship.
Hi Sarah!
Wow! A lot has happened! I am wondering if his mother is influencing him a lot with how he thinks about you. If she is a jealous woman, any woman coming into the picture would have a challenge. If she is sending a “goodbye” email, he must have been talking to her about you. I don’t know…it’s all speculation of course. Do you feel like she has quite a big influence on him? If his mom is not happy about you in his life, he will be feeling a TON of pressure from her which is maybe part of why he is disconnecting at again right now. You received an email from her right around the same time you felt him disconnect again, yes? Just something to think about.
Have some patience. If you were able to get him to connect again and have some fun with you, then you can do it again. Your best bet is to be as relaxed as possible about everything. Let him pick the date for a meeting. There is no need for you to do anything. Let him take the lead. As long as you both are still connecting, laughing and having fun, then you are heading in the right direction. It takes a lot of time to build up trust and that is what you are doing right now. If you let him go at his speed without adding in pressure at all, then he will be much more inspired to give you what you want. It is not SOLEY your job to maintain this. He has to put some effort in as well…it sounds like he is responding to you, but maybe not the extent that you want. That’s okay. Having patience and accepting what IS happening will bring you the most peace about how things are right now. Your goal is to show him that you have changed, you are easy and fun to connect with and that you support him where he is at right now. If you end up hitting a point where it’s just too much emotional work for you, then we can talk about it then, but for now….don’t give up quite yet.
Hang in there and give him more time and keep doing what you are doing! WAIT UNTIL HE RESPONDS to your text. it’s okay that it’s been 24 hours. That’s not that long actually. He will respond at some point and when he does, be happy and light about it!
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
That’s so interesting! I am going to look him up. There is such a thing as sexual addiction that can play out in that form. There is addiction to risk, there is addiction to drama, there is addiction to entertainment….if you really look at life in general, we are all addicted to many things, but I suppose it would depend on what someone defines as an addiction. Thank you for sharing. I am curious now.
Lastly, I have a feeling that all of your research is coming from a place of fear. Fear you are going to get hurt. I want to encourage you to maybe let this go. The more you research, the more it can get in the way of your ability to just be present with him and who is right now. By researching, you are trying to learn about his PAST and at present, that is not who he is anymore. If you were researching purely out of curiosity, that is different. When fear is involved, it can change the dynamic. So as long as fear of getting hurt is present in your heart and that is what is driving you to research, then I want to invite you to work on your fear. Reality is, ANYBODY is a risk. Reality is, he will hurt you and you will hurt him….falling in love is scary and painful and wonderful all at the same time. I know you want to make a “smart” decision, but the best way you can do that is to not let fear get in the way of how you move forward with him. Just somethings to think about. I may be way off, so just ignore me if I am.
Please keep us updated!!!!
Heidi
