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Hi Karla!
Yes! He still has some type of interest or he wouldn’t be contacting you so much. He is definitely putting forth the efforts to stay connected. He is thinking about you at odd hours of the night and seems to be really aware of you. Now…whether or not that translates into him wanting a relationship with you again…I don’t know. He may….but may be too gunshy for now, being that you already broke things off. Who knows! What you do know is that he IS responsive and that is a good sign!
How do you feel about flirting a little? Not sure what your relationship was like before, but in general, a man will not make advances if he doesn’t get some signal from the lady…as he does not want to be rejected. So flirting with him, may make him feel more comfortable easing back into the thought of being with you.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Rannveig!
I totally get it! You are asking some great questions and have some wonderful awareness about yourself!
In regards to getting out of the reddit “refreshing” button, it’s crucial for you to busy yourself somehow. You ARE sabotaging. Anyone who takes up that much of your thoughts and your time, has power over you that you need to take back. You have given him so much of your time, your energy, your attention that he is the one defining how you feel at any given moment. If he responds, you are happy…if he doesn’t respond, you are not happy. HE IS YOUR ENTIRE LIFE at the moment. That is a very dangerous place to be, because you don’t know who you are without him. It may be the main reason he is disconnecting, as he may feel a responsibility for you that he cannot handle…and should not handle.
You are also not responsible for him. His fear of getting “stuck” is a healthy one actually. If he completely lost himself when you were around, that is HIS challenge to face. He has to figure out how find his own balance in the midst of a blossoming relationship. If he can’t do that, then he is making a good decision to step away and get his life in order. It is not YOUR job to hold him accountable to that. Of course you can help and support, but ultimately he needs to be able to do that for himself.
So first thing is first….what is stopping you from creating your life, outside of him? What is stopping you from working, learning, having fun? Anyone in your situation would be addicted to reddit! You have nothing else happening, so of course his responses become everything to you! He is all you have to look forward to in your day. So what can you do to change that? What else can you do that makes you laugh, have fun, socialize, grow and learn?
Last question….you said that you offered to move to Japan but realized it was not possible considering your “mental health.” What do you mean by that?
Heidi
Hi Stefanie!
Thank you for all of the wonderful, detailed information! It helps tremendously! You have some great questions! You really have been through a lot with this guy. It sounds like you are emotionally connecting extremely well, yet don’t have that romantic type of relationship….which can be VERY confusing, especially for the ladies.
The messages you copied here are interesting. The first thing I want to encourage you to do is to NOT talk about very important or sensitive topics over texting. So many messages can very EASILY be mis-understood. In your messages, for example, from the VERY beginning, he knew exactly what you were asking and he was giving you an answer without directly saying it. He was quite smart about it actually. He was trying to say that he was not interested in you that way, without really saying it….until you pushed him further (well done by the way) to just answer the question DIRECTLY. It’s a tough conversation to have over text because there are so many emotions and feelings that cannot be expressed in a text. So in the future, work towards having the deeper conversations over the phone and avoid the texting!!!
Now….getting to your dilemma. You are not actually in as much of a dilemma than you think. Some of what you are saying will happen, may not even happen and can easily be controlled. The key here is YOU. This is more about you and much less about him. If you judge yourself and how you felt and present your story with an emotional charge behind it, he will react and most likely have the kind of response you want to avoid. If you present the information as light and as a phase in your life where your fears really got the best of you….then he will not feel obligated to you for anything because you will have already worked through all of it. If you feel resolved, at peace and moving forward with your life, then your story needs to match that feeling and not be full of heavy emotional content. And listen, you DO NOT owe him anything! You guys are not a couple. You may be friends, but that friendship will always be limited. There are PLENTY of things you do not need to tell him. You say that if you don’t say something, it will be dishonest. It won’t be dishonest! Just because you are friends, does not mean you pour your heart out to him and tell him all the depths of who you are. That space…that very SACRED space….where you hold the most tender, beautiful, vulnerable parts of who you are….that needs to be shared ONLY with those people who have earned the right to be in that space with you. He has not. If you guys were a couple and growing together as a COUPLE, then that is different. The reality is, he is not interested in that right now, so sharing your deepest, darkest emotions with him can cause a lot of trouble…mostly for you….that is a side you share with someone who is intimate with you, not just a friend (who is male) and whom you have never even met in person. He has not earned the right to know that very sacred part of who you are. Protect that side of yourself longer.
So what I want to encourage you to do….is to give this more time and not put a lot of thought into this conversation you are supposed to have with him. Not yet anyways. What if you just kept everything really light. It sounds like you guys have had a rough patch and need some time to rebuild. So in rebuilding….focus on what IS working and don’t worry so much about what isn’t working. If he were interested in something romantic with you, I would be giving you different guidance, but he was clear he does not want a relationship. Not to say that couldn’t change though. The odds will be much more in your favor NOT to scare him away with your intense story of the past year, if you focus on continued friendship and having fun, laughing etc. If you do head into the topic of this past year and answering his questions, it is sooooo easy to say, “You know…getting to know you has been a very interesting journey for me. I think you are so incredible and I LOVE how I get to feel when we interact. That being said, it’s been so fascinating watching myself get scared and all kinds of triggers coming up because of crap that happened in my past….and that’s part of why I started reacting the way I did. I have been learning so much about myself and it’s been amazing! I still have more work to do, but that’s okay. What’s important to me is that I face my fears. As much as you are a wonderful friend in my life, I have also developed feelings for you and that’s the main component that I have really worked through. I have really come to terms with that fact that I am going to love and love very deeply. And as much as that scares the shit out of me, I will be okay. It would be wonderful if you and I got to take that journey, but I also have reached a really wonderful place where it could be possible with someone else instead…and that’s okay! So all of this craziness you have been feeling from me…well, it was just my baggage….I was being triggered and afraid of hurting…but it has all brought me to this wonderful place of acceptance of what is happening right now…being grateful for what I do have instead of looking at what I don’t have….and feeling much more peaceful. Does all of that make sense?”
He WILL NOT feel obligated to you for anything if you take responsibility for all that you felt and keep a light spin on it and that YOU got it covered…YOU are the one taking care of yourself and you don’t need his help….YOU are the one responsible for your emotions and your process and YOU are the one responsible for your own healing and resolutions. He will feel at peace if you feel at peace. Does this make sense?
If anything….a man who hears a woman take responsibility for her emotions and not blame him or need him to “fix” her….that will build a TON of trust and respect from his side. It can strengthen the friendship. It can inspire him to feel a little more safe with you…which eventually leads to him possibly wanting a visit.
I would not mention a visit yet. I want to invite you to work towards feeling at peace about this “dilemma” you feel, get through the conversation and let some time pass and see if he initiates that visit.
What are your thoughts on all of this?
Heidi
Hi Rannveig!
Wow…you are going through quite a bit. I am so sorry! Relationships are so hard because they are risky and especially during the beginning, very unstable and unpredictable….especially at the age you both are at.
This is a tough one. All the cards are stacked against you…especially the distance. Trying to start a long distance relationship out of thin air is so incredibly hard.
I want to encourage you to really listen to what he is saying. If he is being honest with you about all of this, then it’s important for you to trust his process and that he knows himself better than you know him…and if he is saying he is not ready….then he is not ready. There is sooooo much you don’t know about him. Him wanting to protect you from him…there might be reasons beyond what you understand.
I know this is not at all what you want to hear. But it is sooooo important to LISTEN to someone when they are telling you who they are. You are trying to change his mind and talk him into doing something he is not ready for and that can only end in even more heartache. He is setting a boundary…if you love him AND love yourself as well…you will listen to him and accept what he is saying.
What you CAN do though….is stay friends. If you stay in contact with him every once in awhile and develop a great friendship, then who knows where it will lead! It’s important to develop a friendship anyways right? That just might be the secret. You don’t want to pressure him to do something he isn’t ready for, but you CAN still get to know each other. I know it isn’t what you want, but it’s probably the best bet you have at this point. The thing is, there is nothing wrong with your relationship, so us guiding you with how to fix things, change things etc….isn’t needed. Distance is stacked against you and the guy just doesn’t want to be in a relationship….have you ever asked him about what is stopping him? I’m curious. That may give us a little more information as to how to guide you a bit better. But for now…can you find appreciation for what he CAN give you instead of what he can’t give you? That, in and of itself, builds a lot of trust. If he sees and feels that you honor his choices and don’t push or try to change him (which is most men’s biggest complaints) you will earn trust with him and that is so important.
In order for you to get through this, it’s important that you really, really take care of yourself right now. Movies, books, baths, laughter, going to the pound maybe and playing with animals, volunteering somewhere….you have got to fight for your emotional health right now and not let the depression and anxiety swallow you and steal your life away!!! Yes, you are going to hurt for awhile AND you can heal as well. If you are going to accept him for who he is right now, that means you have to let go of the story you have created around you and him and make a new one that matches him for where he is at right now. Who knows…maybe it will only be temporary, but for today….accepting him for who he is, is what is important…and that means you have to grieve the loss of him and the dream you built around him.
I’m so sorry! I know the heartache you feel all too well. I also know that healing will show up over time and the hurt will diminish.
Let us know more of your thoughts….
Heidi
Hi! Thank you for writing in and letting us get to know you a little. It sounds like you are on a wonderful path! Toxic marriages can really ruin a person’s self esteem. It takes time, education, patience and mostly, just honoring the mindset you are in….so you can heal. You are already doing a wonderful job! What you are reading has wonderful information in it and will help you in the future. I’m glad you are learning how you can be a better partner and how you contributed to a toxic marriage. Now is a time to rebuild your self esteem, to learn, to forgive and heal. You will know when you are ready to date again….for now, focus on yourself! Give yourself a good amount of time (maybe 6 months to a year) and spend this time learning about yourself and love and relationships. If you really work on healing all the hurt, it will help you attract a much more healthy experience next time!
Keep us updated on your journey! If you have any questions, please ask. We are here to help!
Heidi
Hi Brenda!
You are so much fun! In the middle of all your disaster, you still have a spirit that is so beautiful! You completely own your limitations and that is the very first part towards growth. DO NOT FRET!!! You are just like the rest of us!!! I can’t tell you how many times I have knowingly fallen off my path. This may help you understand….Here is a VERY short book that perfectly describes our human levels of learning and growing.
The “street” is our path. The “hole” is where our limitations, low self esteem, hurts / woundedness lives. The hole is where we end up when we make choices from the source of our low self esteem, hurts, fear etc.
Chapter 1: You are walking down the street and fall in the hole
Chapter 2: You are walking down the street, see the hole and fall in anyways
Chapter 3.: You are walking down the street, see the hold and walk around it
Chapter 4: You are walking down the street, then cross the street to avoid the hold completely
Chapter 5: You don’t walk down the streetRight now, you are at chapter 2. That is THE MOST difficult phase to get past! People tend to hand out at that chapter for a loooong time because it’s the phase where we really have to face our limitations, fears and hurts and release them, if we are going to graduate to the next phase. It’s the only way. And that is a path most people are either not really willing to do, or because there are some GIANT hurts hanging out there…it just takes awhile to really let them go. So…be kind to yourself. I figured this would happen and it’s very possible it will happen again. And that’s okay!!! What matters is you are waking up to yourself on a whole new level now and you are fighting for yourself. You ARE creating movement in the direction that is best for you….it’s just not easy and you will falter many times!
I’m gonna say this in a very basic way, but there is nothing basic or simple about it. You keep people in your life that hurt you, because you do not love yourself very much. You are wanting others to love you in order to make up for the emptiness inside where your love should exist for yourself. People who have a strong self love, have boundaries and standards as to how they are treated and it’s solid….they have little to no tolerance for being treated any less than with respect, kindness and honesty….because they value their own hearts as if it’s worth a million bucks!!! If you truly and completely believed your heart was worth a million dollars, would you hand it over to your CB? Would you hand it over to an alcoholic? Nope…because those people treat it like it’s worth $100.
Cigarettes typically represent a lot of anger that is buried deep inside. If you started when you were 20, I imagine your childhood is where that anger started. If you want to get rid of the ciggys permanently, then that is a good place to start exploring.
Your CB friend is male, safe and you both have an honesty with each other that most likely would not exist if you were face to face. Technology is pretty amazing that way. People can be honest and open about thoughts and feelings all the while feel safety behind not being seen. The consequences to vulnerability is a lot less. And because you cannot see each other, there is a fantasy that develops on both ends. Our minds are very creative! Have you ever read a book that you thought was amazing, then saw the movie and it was completely disappointing??? That happens to most people because our imaginations make up the incredible story that could never in a million years be matched by a movie.
I love that you meditated! It sounds like it had a wonderful affect on you. Keep doing it! It also helps to have some accountability and people to talk to. Is there a women’s group you could join? Or maybe a hire a therapist or coach? It would accelerate you hopping out of chapter 2 and make a speedy approach to chapter 5.
All that matters right now is that you keep fighting. If you fall back into those patterns, it’s normal. You get back up again and keep working on strengthening your “no”. In the meantime, start connecting to that part of yourself that is so wounded that she is connecting to people for love where love does not exist. That part of you needs to look to YOU for that love and no one else. It’s time for you to be a good mom for yourself. You have that little girl that is so starved for love and attention and she needs you.
Here is one exercise that you may find really powerful. Go to the store and get some paper of any kind. Find some GIANT crayons or markers. Sit down with all of it and have a conversation with her. The hand that you write with is you (the adult/parent) and the other hand is her. Start asking her questions. You write your question with your dominant hand, then you answer with your non dominant hand. They call this “left / right handwriting.” Experts found this accessed a very interesting part of the emotional system and surprisingly, when you write with your non dominant hand, you FEEL like a child. So you could say, “Hi. I am so sorry you are hurting so much. I know you are wanting to be loved and paid attention to. I am here right now and I want to talk to you. Tell me how you are feeling.” Then you answer with your other hand. What is most important is that your adult side DOES NOT fix anything of how your little girl is feeling. All you are doing is validating and listening. Asking her what she needs to hear from you, asking her how you can make her feel more safe. I know ever time I have done this exercise, I am surprised at what comes out.
Give it a whirl and see what happens!
You are doing a great job Bette! Keep that warrior maiden spirit alive in you and I promise you will shift and transform to the next level. You don’t stop until you get there!
I’m also excited for tap dancing!!! It’s such a great idea!
Keep it coming lady! We are here to help!!!!
Heidi
Crap! I’m so sorry! You must be so nervous heading over there! Who knows…maybe if you are honest with him about how you really feel, he will respond. I wish you the best in your conversation with him!!! I think it’s really time for some honesty and see where that takes you.
Please keep us updated!!! We would love to hear how everything turns out from this trip!
Heidi
Hi Trudi!
First, this relationship is about both of you. You were hurt and you were trying to figure out how to get through it. Of course you didn’t trust his overtures! After having an affair, it would be hard to receive something like that. Trust takes time to build back up. It takes time to re-shape and re-configure interactions. He wasn’t getting his emotional needs met, but that is the lesson for him as well. HE is the one responsible for that. He was the one denying his own needs, not listening to them and taking care of himself…therefore creating the perfect platform for an affair to show up.
Moving forward….what if you guys committed to playing a game together instead of tv. There are some great board games, card games etc. that if you played for 1 hour first, before turning on the tv…that can create some amazing bonding! Or what if you guys committed to 30 minutes of talking before the tv. You can google “first date questions” and you will be surprised what INCREDIBLE questions come up….questions you wouldn’t even think of! Create a list of 50 questions and then you can go through those questions each night. Point being…if you are guys are heading back into the same patterns, you can change that in 1 night…make that 30 to 60 minutes of times together light, fun and a time to get to know each other in ways you never have before.
Do you think he would respond to that? How does that make you feel?
Heidi
HI Sarah!
How are you doing?? Are you healing? Feeling any better?
You are feeling despondent….of course….you are confused. One of the best ways to get clear and regain control in your life, is to set some boundaries that work for you. I like Kanya’s idea a lot. What if you just said to him, “I miss you so much. Losing you has helped me realize how much work I have to be a better partner again. So in honor of that, I am going to take 1 month and really focus on myself, healing and how to tap into more of my potential. I won’t be as responsive, but know that it’s not for a bad reason. It’s for a really good reason.”
If you spend a month where you really commit to your healing, clearing your head, getting more emotionally stabilized….then you guys can re-connect and see how things go from there.
Finding a good match is really dependent on you. Like attracts like….imagine if we all walked around and had a certain radio frequency we lived in. Let’s say you are 100.7 FM. The people you will be attracted to and vice versa, will live somewhere around the same frequency as you. So if you keep finding that the guys you are connecting with are not what you need, you might want to consider really looking inside of yourself and maybe changing the radio frequency you are living in. I can speak, from first hand experience, that the more baggage I got rid of, the better the guys got. It’s crazy! I didn’t even have to do anything different. Healthier, smarter, more connective men naturally showed up and were interested. The crop of gents to pick from was sooo much better once I let go of some past junk that was holding me back from being my best self. It’s like the list Kanya talked to you about. You have to be what you want to attract. So my question is….do you see anything that you are missing inside of yourself that would prevent a healthier guy coming towards you?
Does this make sense?
heidi
HI Adrianne!
I’m so sorry! You must be in shock and hurting quite a bit. Do you have any idea what happened? Did you sense that he was unhappy on any level? Did he say anything to you at all to give you a clue as to why he was deciding this? How long were you together?
You can send a text anytime. If you are wanting your stuff back, there is no harm in asking for it whenever you want.
Heidi
Hi Mara!
Good for you for not only taking some time to be alone, but also now, taking a big risk again. It is not easy, especially when you don’t feel very strong in your communication skills or asking for what you need. I want to encourage you to keep watching those movies where the female is a strong character. Movies can be really powerful as they can portray exactly what we need to be in our own lives. If we don’t have real life role models, at least we can see it on the screen and watch everything play out. Have you ever seen “The Holiday?” I’m sure you have if you love romantic movies.
Communication absolutely does get easier. Like any skill, there is a learning curve, so it’s very difficult at first, but then you find your voice in all of it and all of a sudden something that was so hard before is much easier.
For people who are not the best at communication, I like to have them just start with learning how to ask questions. If you were a reporter and needed to write a story about a certain issue, then you need to ask questions! No question is a dumb question. All questions are good because the answers can take you down some type of path that has an answer for you. So if you have a need that you need to ask for from him, you could say, “Do you mind if I ask a question? I’m scared because I am not very good at this at all, but I just wanted to know how it would make you feel if I requested for you to turn off your phone while we are at dinner together?” He may say, “I really don’t like that idea.” Now is where you can really begin to ask some good questions….having the “reporter” mindset helps you focus on learning about who he is and why he thinks/feels the way he does. Your response, “Really? That is not what I expected to hear. I really am curious….how come you don’t like that idea?” “I have so much work and I need to be available for my job during this project so I keep things on track. If I don’t, I end up going to work with a big mess to fix. I need to be available all of the time right now.” “Ooooh! I see….and that makes complete sense. I don’t blame you at all. I miss you and want just a little time for us to be together…just us…without the phone. I understand you have work right now though. What do you think about setting the timer for 20 minutes and during that time, we can eat and catch up. After the 20 minutes, you can respond to whatever you need to. Does that feel possible for you right now?”
Does this make sense? It’s always really, really helpful to start sentences by saying, “How would you feel if…..” instead of saying “I need you to put your phone away during dinner.” The goal with communication, especially when asking for your needs, is make the person feel part of the process and even inspired to meet your needs vs. being told what to do. So I have found it really helpful to just ask them how they feel about my need…then it can turn into a really good conversation where we learn about each other. He is not on the defensive, I am not on the attack. That’s in a perfect world though. Many times it does not go that smooth, but that is the ultimate goal. Another thing that is crucial about communicating your needs, is to get VERY clear about what you need before asking for it. Men need help and direction. If you were to say, “I need to feel more connected to you” then he does not have a clue what the heck that means. So you want to say, “I really want to feel more connected to you. Here are some things you could do that I LOVE! You could put your phone away at dinner, you could turn off the tv when getting into bed, you could tell me you love me when leaving for work, you could text me small messages throughout the day like you used to….etc.” So when asking for a need, BE SPECIFIC! Men need concrete examples so they can then feel empowered to be your hero!
Does this make sense?? It’s a lot, but good for you for starting down that path. It’s scary!!!
Maybe you guys could also create one night a week where you dedicate 30 minutes to where you tell each other something that is hard to say. It doesn’t necessarily have to be struggles you are having with each other. You could make it a time where you tell each other things you like about each other, or learned about each other, or notice something about yourself….even just sitting down and creating a space where you get to be afraid together and practice that wonderful skill of communication. It is always the top 1 or 2 reasons for divorce, so if neither of you are good at it…you guys are gonna have to fight harder to keep each other around.
Heidi
Hi Mara!
It sounds like you have a wonderful connection with him. I want to validate how hard it is to work with someone who is depressed and guilt ridden and has abuse in their background. I’m glad to hear he is getting help. Many times women fall for a man like that because he needs a lot of love. It’s hard though because as much as he wants to be loved, he has another part of him who will ruin it and cause a lot of hurt (I’m glad he is aware of this about himself). Essentially, he is split and as long as those 2 sides to him exist, it’s a tough road of ups and downs, connection and then hurt….round and round you go with him! His problems are deep and there is a long road of healing. i’m glad to hear he is getting help. What is he doing? Is he on medication? Have you noticed any changes since he started getting help?
Can you offer more details about your situation? Are you just dating, have you broken up completely or still friends?
Heidi
Hi Giselle!
This is really hard what you are doing. It hurts. You want him to choose you and he is not doing that….so it’s time to choose yourself.
Here is something simple you could say. “You know….I learned something new about myself and it includes you, so I want to share with you. I learned that it hurt when you told me you were in a new relationship. I learned that I really can’t look at you as just a friend. Truth be told, I want to be her….and I’m not. It hurts, but I will be okay. This also means that I need to shift how we interact. I’m not ready to be friends yet. I need some time to deal with my feelings and create some closure. I want to honor your choice with this other woman, so that means the best way I can do that is to stay away and take care of myself. I also want to ask you to not come on the trip. I don’t know how to be “just friends” with you. I have too many feelings and it just hurts. As I am honoring your choice, I request that you respect that I need some time away from you so I can move on and heal.”
How does that make you feel? The goal here is, not to blame him, be angry at him….but to just take responsibility for how you feel and create a clear boundary that will help you heal. You keep the conversation about how you feel and what you need in light of his choice.
Heidi
Holy smokes!!! Wow! Look at you!!!! You are taking back all of your power and creating the life you really want and need in order to thrive. Well done! That is sooooo hard to do!!! It sounds like you are handling everything really well. You are allowing the tears and hurt to be there and you are allowing yourself to grieve. Something like this is a roller coaster ride. Some days are amazing, some days completely suck and some are in between. As you do more and more healing, you will have more and more up days and less down days. hang in there!!! We are here for you, even if you want to just write in and vent and talk about what a crappy day you are having.
You are worth fighting for and I am immensely proud of you. You have many gifts ahead of you. Stay the course and keep your sights on yourself and learning to love yourself more and more.
Keep us updated please!
p.s. thank you for the compliment and calling me amazing! it always feels really wonderful to have someone think that about me.
Heidi
Hi Sietske,
It sounds like you have a wonderful connection with him!
Yes, it’s okay to contact him again for now. I would not initiate meeting up, but you could make a really small effort and see what he does with that. For example, you could say something like, “I saw this movie the other day that totally reminded me of what we talked about. You should check it out!”
If you say something to the effect of you saw something or heard something that reminded you of him, it’s sweet, simple and lets him know you thought about him. And it’s something that doesn’t really force a conversation…meaning, if you text and say, “how are you?” it creates a conversation and you initiating that conversation. If you say something like, “Hey, I saw this and thought of you….” and leave it at that, it allows for the space for the guy to initiate further conversation with you if he wants.
Does this make sense? I know the old fashioned thinking as I have that tendency as well. So a good compromise is just saying a statement like that and then let it be. He will have to initiate and create conversation so it still leaves the ball in his court to make some effort.
Does this help?
Heidi
