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Hi Purnima!
What an interesting situation. I am curious…what all of a sudden happen that caused you to shift? The way you explained everything didn’t sound very one sided. It sounded like he was responding to you. What happened?
Heidi
Hi Monica,
It sounds like neither of you are in a really good place right now. I think your approach is best for right now. If you keep things light, focus on what IS working and on the positive aspects that do exist and just relax. Let things develop very slowly as you figure out your life and he figures out his. The more time you guys take by just dating and slowly getting to know each other while you still have separate lives….it just may be the healthiest thing to do if you are going to ever make it long term. The more you try to define the “relationship” the more he will want to resist.
Maybe read “What Men Secretly Want” and “Secret Obsession Compliments.” You can begin to implement a lot of that advice, just to practice and see what happens.
Out of curiosity….when you didn’t talk to him for 2 weeks and you pulled your energy back, what did he respond like? Did he show that he missed you or wanted to connect at all? or was it just radio silence for 2 weeks until you contacted him again?
Heidi
Maybe we can help you with him? Why do you think he is not ready to commit to you? What makes your relationship complicated?
Hi Monica!
This is a GREAT question! We are so glad you are here.
My inclination is to agree with your insticts. Being that your relationship is not quite established yet and he is not ready to fully commit, buying a watch for him can create a funny reaction for him, especially since it may make him feel “less than” vs. empowered. You can get really creative and maybe create a memory with him vs. a gift. Or do a few smaller gifts that don’t have a big price tag on them. That would be more appropriate for the stage you guys are at. And maybe even let him know you got a few small, fun things for him. That way it may releive him of any pressure, thinking he would have to compete with you.
You can say something like, “Xmas is coming up and I just want to talk about how we spend it together and what feels comfortable. Maybe we can wake up and make our favorite breakfast. Then I have a few small stocking stuffers I want to give you. Then what might be fun is find somewhere we can go volunteer. Maybe we can help feed families, maybe we can go get a ton of blankets and pass them out, maybe we can go walk some dogs at a shelter. It would feel good to go with you and spend the day helping others. What do you think?”
This way, the focus is on creating some memories together and maybe even a tradition.
Does this idea feel good for you?
Lastly, I wonder if he would be willing to find someone help him through this time. It is a very difficult time and something that is best handled with help….from expert eyes. A coach could help give him some objectivity and help him manuever this time in his life much better.
Sorry for all the broen up resopnses…my computer had a mind of it’s own today.
How do you feel about all of this? I know that what I am suggesting is VERY hard to imagine or even execute.
Heidi
The idea is…when he feels that you are okay, it gives him the space to not have to worry about you, fix you or make you feel better all the time.
So I still stand by the concept of letting him be who he needs to be right now and keep things light and easy right now. Go on dates and focus on re-connecting and developing your friendship. Create memories with him.
And it wouldn’t be a bad thing to even let him know your intent. You can say something like, “Listen…I get you are confused and maybe feel lost right now. It’s okay. It’s hard for me, but you know what? It’s giving me an opportunity to work on myself as well. I could work on loving myself better. I could work on dealing with my emotional reactions better. So as you take this time to figure out who you are, I am going to do the same. So I want to take the pressure off. I am going to just change my focus. Instead of constantly figuring out what I can do to get you to choose me, I am going to focus on just developing my frienship with you. If you choose me or not choose me, I will be okay. I am worth choosing and fighting for and until you realize that….or not realize that….let’s just work on creating memories together and becoming better friends. Now of course this does not mean I won’t want you in my bed or I won’t want to have passionate kisses for you…because I do have that desire…but I can put that on the back burner and make other things more important for right now. So how do you feel about that approach? Maybe we try it for 3 or 4 weeks and see what happens?”
Hi Natalee,
I understand your need to want to understand him on a deeper level. Why do men feel lost? Being lost is a human thing, not just for men. When someone feels “lost” there is usually something very deep inside of them that needs to be dealt with. My best guess, according to the information you are giving me, is that there is something much deeper happening here for him. This is about something much more than him needing to decide between you and another woman. That’s the surface issue. There is something much deeper and uncomfortable happening in his spirit. This is a place inside a person you cannot touch with words, because it is very personal. Many times, when I have worked with a person feeling lost, they don’t even know why, they can’t quite explain what is happening….it’s just this uncomfortable feeling they have deep inside and usually something messy is also happening in their life without resolution. Someone who is not well versed to understand what this feeling is, how to handle it, how to embrace it etc….well, life gets really difficult. It feels cloudy, it feels uncomfortable and unstable.
You are trying to understand him and help him through your words and actions and using logic to reason with him about this other woman. You are trying to decifer his reactions to you as to whether they are good or bad. I would encourage you to stop focusing so much on him. This will only create a ton more pressure on him which will cause his cloudiness to increase dramatically. It’s an awful feeling to hear “I love you” and not be able to say it back. It’s an awful feeling to hear “I miss you in my bed” and not be able to feel the same in return. If he is feeling lost, add on top of that the pressure to try to make you feel happy, make the other woman happy and figure out who he is in the middle of all of this. I’m not justifying his choices….I guess I am just wanting to maybe add another perspective about what he might be going through and maybe a better approach. I don’t know….you will have to give it a shot and see what happens.
So if he is feeling the way I am guessing he is feeling, the best thing you can do for him is to live your own life. When he sees that you are okay with him being in a “lost” place and needing him to be any different than that….it will help him relax a little and possibly feel resolved sooner than later. Anytime he has to re-assure you, reject you, comfort you when you challenge him about the other woman….it puts him in the mode of having to manage you vs. really being with you and getting to be himself. So what you can maybe try is figure out how to be there for him without needing anything from him. So in a way, you are creating distance, but not leaving him so to speak. For example, it would mean saying “I love you” without needing him to say it back. It would mean saying, “My bed is open for you whenever you are ready. But I am okay where you are right now as well. You don’t need to respond….I just want you to know…that’s all.” It’s means no longer talking about the other woman. I know you want him to disconnect from her, but you need to let that go. They work together and as long as that is true, she will always be a part of his life. You will have to really work on not comparing yourself to her. Your husband is not a contest to win. The moment you compete against another woman, the moment you lose sight of your own value. If you truly new that you were worth a gazillion dollars and any person who gets to have you in their life is blessed….then she would not matter. Your husband’s choice would not matter. Because truth be told….whether your husband chooses you or not, it doesn not make you more or less valuable or worth loving. You are worth loving and fighting for, just because you are. Whether your husband sees that or feels that doesn’t change that fact. Whenever you compete against another woman, you are losing sight of that fact.
So that’s why I really want you to connect to yourself and find your value, SEPARATE from your husband’s choice. Funny thing is….sooooo many times I have coached people into that place….where I have them focus on self love vs. trying to earn love from their partner….and when they finally get it and start to take care of themselves and start to choose themselves and let the idea of their partner’s choice be whatever it is and find peace in it…..their partner feels that shift and are greatly attracted to it. It’s the principle of “You can only love another as much as you love yourself.” The more self love and care, the more attractive you become to someone who respects that and honors that.
So maybe work on not trying to figure him out anymore. If you start to view yourself and feel yourself as the most valuable person in his life (despite his lack of connection with you), then he may align with you, sooner than later. But knowing and feeling that is a very quiet choice. It’s a personal, inside process for you only….not something to be said to him. He will feel it from you because you will start to treat yourself differently. You will find your power in the middle of this versus feeling desparate. You will find peace in this vs. feeling chaotic and powerless.
Hi Latisha!
Well, you can turn that situation into a compliment and an apology.
Here is maybe a way you could say it….”I was reading this book about relationships and it talked about how important it is to listen and how to listen. It really brought to light AGAIN about my challenge of interrupting you or talking over you. Again, I am so sorry. I really want to get better at that. One thing I am going to be more aware of is waiting until you feel heard and validated before I head into how I feel. So I want to practice listening, then repeating what you say so I make sure that I am hearing what you need me to hear. THEN I can add in my side of things. I will be far from great at this, as it takes practice, but just know I want to practice. But I do have to say that I respect you a lot for protecting yourself and walking away when I am not being a good listener. You still may need to do that sometimes…it’s always a good wake up call for me when you do that.”
A good way to create compliments is to let them happen naturally vs. forcing them. And the way it happens naturally is if you all of a sudden read something, hear something, remember something about him and then you find yourself smiling as you are thinking about him…you just tell him. For example….”I was out shopping and saw the ugliest xmas sweater on the face of the planet! I just started laughing because it reminded me of you and how sweet and wonderful you are to wear those sweaters your mom gives you during xmas. You are so sweet to do that and it just makes me smile!”
Or….”I was spending some time writing down everything I am grateful for. And I wanted to share with you the first thing that came to mind. I am grateful that you are the kind of man that has the strength to be very authentic. I never have to worry about what you are really thinking or feeling. You are a good role model for me.”
Does this make sense? The idea behind compliments is not to say them just to say them. Offer him a compliment when you think about it and then tell the story of how that compliment came to your mind. That way the person can appreciate how you thought about them and why you thought about them.
Does that make sense?
Heidi
Hi Latisha,
I’m so glad to hear he is responding more!!! Yay!!!
This is a great question you are asking….I personally feel that apologies are so much more powerful when they are specific. It lets the person on the receiving end know that you are thinking the same thing as them. It lets them know EXACTLY what you are sorry for. You can say something like, “I want to apologize. I have really thought about this and I am realizing how I have been quite dis-respectful towards you many times and that makes me sad. The first moment that comes to mind is when I said………………..I am working on it. I want to be better at it because I do not want you to feel that way. So do me a favor and the next time you are starting to see this side of me rear it’s ugly head, will you just do the time out signal. That way I will know that I am heading down a slippery slope and that I need to stop. If I don’t stop, feel free to protect yourself and walk away and say to me that we will talk about it later when i am more cooled down. What do you think about that plan?”
This way, you are being specific and a little general…AND more importantly, you are implementing an ACTION / PLAN to let him know that your apology is more than just words.
How do you feel about this approach?
Heidi
Hi Natalee,
Thank you for writing in and sharing all of this with us. I can feel your heartache and am so impressed with the amount of effort you have put forth.
I’m curious….has he done anything specific to work on the relationship as well? What have you specifically done so far to improve the relationship?
Here is the thing. I have a bit of a concern in that you are so focused on getting him back and that is all that matters. What about the “why” behind what happened? If that never gets dealt with, then you both will end up in the same place as you are now. It sounds like you are doing everything you know how, but you haven’t mentioned what he is doing as well.
Of course you are in turmoil. You are trying to win your husband back and he is connecting with you quite a bit AND he is connecting with another woman at the same time. Any woman would be in turmoil waiting for her man to decide what he wants. It sounds like he is quite split. The challenge is, she is wonderful and amazing and there is a strong connection BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOT LIVED WITH EACH OTHER YET! So for right now, she is a fantasy. I’m sure he is building the idea of her in his mind to be easier than you. You and him have 22 years together. They have nothing together, so she has a completely clean slate working for her. It’s sad, because he is doing “the grass is greener on the other side” kind of thinking and it’s not realistic. But again, people can tell him a gazillion times, but most times a person needs to go through the experience to believe it….or else they just end up wondering.
It’s a good idea to keep accessing his hero instinct…do you ever flirt with him? How is your sexual energy with him…meaning, do you put out the vibes that you want him? Do you guys go on dates at all? I would recommend to start to create memories together….create outings where you get to bond. Put a big emphasis on developing your friendship again. There is no more powerful feeling than being next to someone you feel known by and where you really get to be yourself. That is the advantage you have. You have a lot of memories with him, you know him in a way that she does not….so create some dates where you guys can reminisce maybe. Is there a nearby hotel that has a fireplace? You could sip on some wine or hot chocolate and just talk. Keep it light, agree to NOT talk about any of the challenges….make your sole purpose about bonding and getting to know each other again. Maybe you could look up online some good date questions. That way you would be asking each other questions that you never have before and have it be really fun….something like, “If you could go back to any time period, when would you go and why?”
In the midst of all of this…I want to encourage you to stay connected to yourself. It really sounds like all that matters is getting him back, even at the expense of your happiness and that is not healthy for you, nor for him or your kids. What can you do to take care of yourself during this time as well? You matter here, even more than him. You are the one responsible for your balance in life and it sounds like you have lost that in attempts to get him back.
Let us know your thoughts on all of this!
Heidi
Hi Sonia,
I thought of you when I was watching this video today. YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE AND CONNECTION!
Oh! I forgot to mention….it has to be one of the top books I have read by Dr. Gottman “A Man’s Guide to Women” Everything he teaches is research based. It was such a valuable book, even for me to read….his research has shown that a man is the one who will make or break the relationship. That is how valuable a man is in a relationship. If he fails in certain tasks, the relationship is guaranteed to break. A woman can fail and have more leniency. I am not putting it as delicately as Dr. Gottman, but I loved that book because he was very clear about what a man can DO to have a happy woman on his hands. You BOTH should read it. It’s short and a very easy read and gives you both some very practical tools you can immediately begin to implement. Of course, it is just the beginning of your journey, but it’s a very easy place to start.
https://www.amazon.com/Mans-Guide-Women-Scientifically-Secrets/dp/1623361842
Heidi
Hi Barbara,
You both have been through quite a lot together. I’m soooo glad to hear that you both are willing to work on improving your relationship.
I just have a few questions first.
1. He recommended this program for you. What is HE doing to learn about you? Is there a program he is going through?
2. He has broken your trust in a BIG way…2 different times. First by cheating and second by packing up and leaving and texting you to let you know. Reality is, he is not very good at being honest and authentic with you if you were taken by surprise on both occasions. OR…maybe you are not a very good listener. I don’t know….I do know that it seems that BIG gestures is how he ends up communicating with you maybe as a final attempt or maybe even as the first attempt. So my question is, how do you feel the communication is between the both of you?I also want to mention that forgiveness and forgetting are not the same thing. You are NOT supposed to forget. You ARE supposed to forgive though. So far, in the past 2 years, he has broken your trust. That means it is going to take some time for him to build that trust again. And the way that trust is built is by him showing you that he is handling his feelings differently than before. He is asking for his needs to be met, he is being authentic with you, he is working through the hurt he feels etc…..otherwise, it will build up again and he will most likely either cheat or leave or do something to that affect again. He obviously has no skillset to handle what he is feeling….so he needs to develop that skillset….at least that is HIS side of the equation. Obviously you have your side of the equation. So it is quite unrealistic for him to want you to forget about the past and move on. You can move on, but with caution. For him to think that he can just earn your heart back after making those kinds of decisions….well I would like to see what he would say about that if that the tables were turned.
One of my very favorite teachers for couples is Dr. John Gottman http://www.gottman.com He has an INCREDIBLE amount of very valuable information for couples. He is one of the leading researchers on marriage and what makes it last, how to repair it, what components are involved in healthy relationships etc. He has workshops, online programs, retreats etc. That may be a good path for both you and your husband to venture down. I think it would serve your needs really well.
This program is actually very good at helping a woman understand a lot of the core aspects of a man and how they function. It’s a great place to start. I would recommend starting with the “Relationship Rewrite”. There are some great ideas you can begin to implement immediately.
After this program, I would look for a program for you BOTH to go through together….that way you are learning the same language, same concept and have the same goals set forth. From what you are saying, you both have a strong connection and that is so wonderful. It’s just gotten messy and you need some help on how to work through all of it. You both needs some new skillsets, new ways to relate to each other, new ways to ask for your needs etc. That’s where I think Dr. Gottman would be great! If you don’t feel like you respond to his teachings, there are many others out there we can recommend. Just let us know.
I am proud of you and him for choosing to fight for more with each other. On the other end of this…if you both endure….the love you have and share will be magnified 10 fold!
Let us know your thoughts on what I have said.
Heidi
Hi Sonia,
I can totally see your confusion. There is nothing more difficult than being around someone who is very unclear. I want to make sure you are clear as well.
There really is only a part of you that feels safe with him. You say you feel safe with him, yet you are constantly receiving mixed signals….which makes him very unstable…someone you cannot rely on. Reality is, you are joining him on this journey and being unpredictable as well. Because you don’t feel like you have enough confidence, you also are there with him, then reach a point and bail.
My first recommendation is to invite you to just accept him exactly as he is. When a woman believes “If he only…..everything would be okay” that is a VERY dangerous belief.
First, because you are putting everything on HIS shoulders for you to feel better. You believe that if he would just get into alignment and stop this push/pull game, then everything would be okay and that simply is not true. If this issue were to resolve, there would be another issue that shows up, then another, then another….YOU need to be okay first and foremost in accepting him for who he is. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB, NOR RIGHT to push someone into something they are not, nor want to be. So if you want to be with him, know that who he is TODAY is a yes/no kind of guy. So accept that and love him for EXACTLY who he is…..or realize not enough of your needs get met so it’s best to leave him be and find someone who is more likeminded with you.
Second….where are you in this design? You are putting all of the power and design in his hands and not participating. Essentially, you are just going along for the ride without setting boundaries nor asking for what you need.
I would say the most important aspect is for you to find your confidence in this situation. No more taking a back seat and letting him be the yes/no guy without him understanding how it affects you. It’s time for you to say something. It’s time for you to put yourself in the equation and use your voice. What’s the worst that could happen from it? You won’t really lose him because you don’t really have him anyways. Even if that was the worst that happened, you will have stood up for yourself. How else are you supposed to develop confidence unless you risk? It’s impossible! People gain confidence by risking. It has nothing to do with success or failure from that risk, it has more to do with learning to trust YOURSELF that when you will be okay if it all falls apart. That is what is called resilience. If you never trust yourself to handle heartbreak, then you get to stay fragile and afraid and that’s okay too! Not everybody is willing to risk like that. If you want to gain more confidence, then it’s time he got to know that wonderful voice of yours….that deserves to be heard. Besides….he will respect you more for it anyways and may be just what he needs from you to be inspired to get his act together. Do you remember reading about the respect principle?
Here could be a way to open up the conversation (IN PERSON) “Javi….we have been in and out of each other’s lives for a very long time now. And during all of those times, it seems I end up getting really confused…and I have never said anything about it…..until now. Javi….I want to be with you. I think you may want the same thing, but it sometimes feels like you don’t. So I am confused. It feels like some days you connect really well but then I don’t hear from you and then you all of a sudden re-appear. I, of course, am reaching my limit again like the times before. But I have decided that I don’t want to keep repeating patterns with you. I want to create something different. I feel safe with you. You are a good man and I want to know you more. So it’s time to just say what needs to be said. I want to know what you want with me….friends or more?”
How does that make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Ashlie!
You have been through a VERY intense thing. I am so sorry!!!! Wow! My heart goes out to you for facing an incredibly difficult moment….on top of that…..alone. It’s sad that he did not join you during that time. It sounds like you have had to go through this pretty much alone.
For whatever reason, this seems to be triggering him in a big way. He may be in love with you, but whatever he if feeling about the loss of his potential child is BIGGER than the love he feels for you. Have you guys sat down and really talked this out? What he’s feeling, what you’re feeling, how you can support each other? Have you talked to him about why he is pulling away from you? Have you worked on healing yourself and the trauma associated that decision and moment? A loss like that has many, many layers to it. You both may never be the same, and you may end up having difficult moments many more times, but hopefully you both are resilient enough to walk through this together.
It may even be helpful to get a 3rd party involved…even if it’s just for you. There are therapists, coaches, healers etc. that have quite a bit of experience or even specialize in helping people through those moments. If you don’t deal with all the feelings involved, it is one of those things that will haunt you forever. The sooner you forgive, let go and deal with any guilt, shame, hurt etc. the better!
So again, I am asking….have you both sat down and had an honest (maybe several) conversation about all of it? Have you not talked to him about why you feel like you are living in opposite ends of the house? I am wondering if he is not intimate with you because being intimate will remind him of you getting pregnant and everything that followed. It may be too much of a trigger for right now.
Heidi
