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Hi Cecelia!
Oh my! You have been through an incredible amount! It sounds like you are quite resilient though. I am so sorry he had left you like this. You must feel so confused and very hurt!
I am wondering what happened. I am wondering if the doctor told him something he is not sharing with you. Maybe he has a terminal illness or something and pushing you away is his way of trying to protect you. For him to all of a sudden disconnect really makes me think SOMETHING has happened.
Do you have any idea of why he was not very affectionate? Was he ever complaining of feeling sick or not well? Why did he go to the doctor? Has he been pretty open and honest with you throughout your marriage or did you have to always pull things from him to get him to talk?
Let us know more details….it will help us guide you a little better.
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
I’m so glad you are back home and recovering well. I am glad you have found resolution and feel good about closing the door to this past relationship.
I actually do know a lot of men who care and read books and do a lot of self growth. It’s easier for women as we were really built for relationship. It is much more natural for us to want to grow and nourish our relationships. That being said….we all come to the table with issues and limitations. What I always coach people on is this….when you are looking for a long term partner, THE MOST IMPORTANT thing to look at is how they handle stress. Do they treat you with respect and grace even when they are hurting? Do they treat themselves and others the same way? You have to see the VERY WORST of someone before you can ever really know if they are okay to be on the inside walls of your heart. Sometimes this takes a bit of time, but it is crucial. I will not give my heart away completely until I see the worst sides of them and know that I am safe with them in that space. And vice versa….I expect the same actions from myself when I am in my worst. So you saw what he does when he is under stress. He disconnects and that is important for you to know about him.
Now it’s important that you forgive him for how he has hurt you so that you don’t carry that hurt into your next experiences. And it’s also a good idea to look at yourself and where your limitations also contributed to the situation…that way you can also become a better partner in the future.As far as this new guy….take it super slow. You are saying you want his attention 100% but you haven’t even met him yet to know that you want his attention. No need to tap into hero instincts. When first meeting someone, it’s like a job interview. You are just seeing if you want to have a second date and he is seeing the same about you. No techniques needed yet. Just have some fun and keep it very light and playful with him!
Let us know how that goes!!!
Heidi
Hi Andrea!
Your instincts are spot on. Whether or not he received the messages does not matter anymore. That happened in the past and now you have the present moment to deal with. Backing off a bit will give him some breathing room and allow him to miss you. It’s wonderful that he called just to check in on you! That is a great sign that how you are approaching things now, is working.
Just like Kanya said, if you focus on improving your own skills in a relationship, focus on working to control your anger better and allow him to have the space he needs…you may end up exactly where you want with him, only in a healthier way than when things ended. He needs to feel like you support him, even if that support means giving him space…and he needs to feel safe to come back to you without a lot of drama. If you can work through a lot of your hurt feelings and anger NOW, on your own, then when and if you do talk about those things that caused hurt, you will be so much more peaceful in your communication… which will help him want to connect with you more.
As far as guarding your heart a bit….that is smart as well. It’s important to be cautious. He has hurt you quite a bit and it sounds like you don’t fully understand why yet. With how everything happened, there was a trust that was broken and needs to be rebuilt….that takes some time and patience and most importantly….forgiveness. When you can let go of the hurt and forgive (not forget) his choices, you will have a clearer mind as to how you want to handle the situation and what feels good for you. You don’t feel safe yet with him and that’s okay. It’s going to take some time to heal and to see how things go.
You are doing a great job Andrea!!!!
Heidi
Hi Tamara!
I am so sorry to hear this! Would you mind sharing more details? If I understand correctly, he recently divorced then re-connected with you and then all of a sudden said he needed space and disconnected?
If he is recently divorced, this may be the main reason for his decision. It’s usually recommended for people getting divorced to spend some time alone and heal from the breakup. How long was he divorced before connecting with you? Did he ever communicate that he wasn’t happy with you at all? Is this a complete shock to you or maybe part of you knew this might happen?
Are you guys currently on speaking terms? If yes, how? Through texting, email, phone, do you ever see each other?
Heidi
Hi Liela,
Thanks for your great question! I’m sorry that phrase did not work for you!
This approach works more often than not however, because every situation is different, it does not always work. For example, if a guy felt his lady was very needy and suffocating during the relationship and always asking for him to take care of her, asking for help AGAIN would most likely not inspire the guy to reconnect. It all depends on the mindset of the guy, the kind of guy he is (personality) and the reasons why he has disconnected.
What happened with your situation. If you provide more details, we may be able to help with a different approach that could be more suited to your specific situation.
Heidi
Hi Cristina!
Thank you for writing back in. It helps me know how I can communicate better and make sure I am more clear when I explain things! I loved all of what you said. Your honesty was wonderful and brave…your vulnerability is so human! Thank you for sharing!
I first want to address the online dating. I didn’t mean to come across as saying NOT to do it. It’s a GREAT way to get to know people, practice certain skills and maybe find your “someone.” I just meant that it’s very important to really watch yourself while dating. It’s very easy to get swept away and easy to create a fantasy about someone. That is why I recommend to online date locally and to meet much sooner than later. The longer you spend connecting with someone through technology, the more it’s very natural to create a certain idea about who that person is…and many times it is not even accurate. So it’s best to connect for just a bit and then meet up for tea or coffee and THEN decide if you want to move forward. It has been the best formula I have found through personal experience as well as with all the people I coach through this. I know many people may disagree with this approach. I honestly think it just depends on the person. I personally have a tendency to fall into that fantasy pattern easily, so in order to keep myself in check, I would meet for drinks very quickly. I know some people who DO NOT fall into that fantasy trap and can communicate online for awhile and be fine with it. So how you go about your dating approach is really up to you.
Here are other ways to meet people: http://www.eventsandadventures.com and look up some meetup groups that do things you are interested in. http://www.meetup.com Neither website is for dating but instead is about meeting up to do activities with other people. Event and adventures requires that you are single though…so it CAN turn into something where you meet someone if that’s what you want.
I’ve also had that conversation with myself, thinking it’s my fault because I have also had several guys ghost on me in the past. But you know what I always come back to? I am being myself and I like myself. If that person is not inspired by who I am….then that’s okay. He is not a match for me. It’s VERY easy to lose site of our value when someone disappears on us. I always tell people to spend about a day thinking about what maybe you could do different. If there are some things you could work on to improve the dating experience, then great! If there is nothing that pops out or is evident, all you can do is continue to move forward doing the best you know how….and that’s it! Leave it at that….no mulling it over and feeling bad about it longer than a day. If it starts to carry over into several days, that’s letting you know you are giving that guy a lot of power in your life that he does not deserve! and that’s where you need to take back your power! The last thing I want to say about this is that ghosting is sooooo common. It’s so sad. It is the number 1 problem I help people through (both men and women) when online dating. There are a million reasons why people disappear and most of the time, it has nothing to do with the other person…it has something to do with the person’s life who is disappearing. Either way…it doesn’t really matter. When you get ghosted, it brings about low self esteem and that is what you have to work through….loving and choosing yourself in the face of someone else not choosing you. It’s soooo hard but a skill you will need for the rest of your life!
It’s natural to hurt like you are….you really cared and connected with him…and you want to feel better about all of it of course. This is where I tend to get a little tough with people who spend a lot of time on these situations. The reality is, for right now you do not know what happened because he won’t answer you. So THAT is your answer…..the only answer that really matters and the only answer you need for right now…is that he is not interested. The what and why and how behind it does not matter. I know you want to make it matter, but you don’t have that option with him. He is radio silent for now. Maybe at some point he won’t be, but for now you won’t have answers. So it’s important for you to let go and move on without those answers. It’s soooo important to love yourself and connect to yourself in order to do this. It’s important for you to be able to forgive and let go instead of spending all of your energy trying to understand something you just won’t understand. You could play all the guessing games you want as to why he unfriended you on snapchat but nothing else. But that’s all it is…a GUESS…and then your emotions get all wrapped up in that GUESS and the story you create around everything….and that is what is not healthy for you. It’s time to close the door and not longer spend your energy on figuring HIM out and instead figure yourself out. Let him go so you can move on but you have to let him go knowing you may never get the answers you want. Maybe at some point he will contact you again…who knows! All you have to deal with is what you know RIGHT NOW and right now…he is not available.
Now….after you work on connecting back to yourself and your value and amazingness….THEN you can decide if and what you want to do about the situation. The challenge most people run into is this…they are hurting and they want the OTHER person to fix the hurt by changing or doing something different. You want HIM to make you feel better. As long as you are giving him all that power in your life, the feelings and situation are clouded and not clear. So if you work on yourself and work through this by helping the hurt to go away WITHOUT him….then you will have a much more clear perspective and can make a decision from that space.
Does all of this make sense?
We would love to hear from you again!
Hi Sarah!
Thank you for the update! You sound very grounded and much more clear about your path with him. I am happy to see that you are giving this relationship some time and letting it unfold how it does. You are handling this really well! If there is anything else we can help with, let us know!
Heidi
Hi Trisha!
Oh man….I am so sorry to hear this! It hurts so much to have that kind of physical and emotional connection and then to have someone ghost you.
I would like to invite you to think about something first before you decide to try to regain his interest. If he is already ghosting you now, when everything was great, there is something off (maybe he has a girlfriend) or maybe he found someone else more suitable for him or maybe he is just out for getting sex and that’s it. Maybe he is in a hospital bed somewhere….who knows. Any of the first scenarios, are you sure you want to regain his interest? You want to try to get a guy back who totally ghosted you? You have known him for such a short period of time and he is already doing this….even if you do regain his interest, whatever caused him to ghost in the first place is still going to be there. He is obviously not on the same page as you and it is not your fault. What’s important is that you that you find someone who is totally interested in getting to know you and has nothing standing in his way. There is something stopping this guy. Whether it’s him being a player or not, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you have a standard as to how you are treated. If you try to get his attention back, it will only tell him there are NO CONSEQUENCES to his ghosting you. You are teaching him that it’s okay for him to have sex with you and connect with you and then bail….you will still be available for him. Is this what you want him to see about you?
If you do want to regain his interests, I would set a time limit on this. I would hate to see you hanging your hat on this guy for the next month or so when there is little to no response. How long are you willing to work for this guy?
I personally would first find out if he is okay. I would want to make sure that he is still alive and well before heading to the next step. Is there a way you can find this out??
Heidi
Hi Cristina!
Oh man! I am soooo sorry! This is so heartbreaking! I understand why you would be hurting….you create this idea and story in your head about this guy and he turns out to be quite disappointing. The dream you created with him in your life is now gone.
I imagine you are thinking you did something wrong or that maybe your “intimate” moment was not what he really wanted. I want to encourage you to NOT go there. You have no idea what is going on in his life…so to try to figure it out is not the way you want to spend your time. I will tell you that a survey was done where over 50% of people who were on the app dating scene (tinder, bumble etc.) were already in serious relationships. Maybe he got caught! Maybe he is just playing games with the ladies on line and is seeing how much he can get from the girls. Maybe he found someone else close by that he decided to go with. I don’t know….but there are so many possibilities!!! And sadly, you may never know what happened if he decides to completely ghost you.
I am going to say some things you may not like to here right now, but I feel it’s important to remind you. Online dating can be VERY dangerous in the sense that people end up bonding and connecting through technology and offer parts of their hearts and bodies to someone without ever having met them in person. The danger is the fantasy. You already pegged him as someone you could imagine being with for a long time….he was your person….when in reality, you hardly knew him. You had never even met in person to see if you guys meshed well together IN PERSON. So many people get caught up in creating fantasies about people through the online system. It’s easy to do! When I dated online, I learned very quickly that many times the amazing connection I was having through the phone, email, texting etc., did not hold up when meeting in person. So I made it rule for myself that I needed to meet them IN PERSON before I allowed all those bonding hormones to flood my body which then causes the fantasy of the person.
I want you to really think about this for a second before you decide to pursue him further. You said you have standards and people accused you of being too picky….well now that this guy has totally ghosted you and decided to just bail without ever talking to you about it and he is being a complete chicken….is that the kind of guy that fits into your standards??? Part of your standards need to include how someone treats you when something gets hard in their life….how they communicate with you. Regardless of his reasons, what is showing you through his actions is that he needs to disconnect and he definitely not doing it in a very kind way. This is the “perfect” guy you were imagining. This is his humanness. Do you want that in your life?
Man…I am so sorry! It hurts so badly and I understand why you are crying. I want to invite you to work on healing your heart and forgiving him for how he has treated you, forgiving yourself for not being able to get your needs met by him and then decide what you would like to do about this. I know you want him back so you don’t have to hurt anymore, but even if he did come back, whatever caused him to ghost like that is still going to be there.
What do you think??? Share more of your thoughts with us! We are here for you!
Heidi
Hi Gael,
I am so sorry to hear it did not turn out the way you wanted. Kanya said something REALLY important that I want to emphasize, because it is CRUCIAL in dating….YOU LISTENED TO YOUR GUT! I imagine a part of you might be wishing you initially had a different response to him and chose friendship from the get go, but you listened to your gut…then you tried to re-connect and as it turns out so far…he is not responding….so maybe you are being rescued from a situation that would not have turned out really well. The point is….you listened to your gut and that is one of the most important voices to listen to when getting to know someone! I just wanted to emphasize that as you move forward in dating.
I’m glad to hear you are choosing to make yourself important. Many people would make excuses and tolerate being low on the totem pole and that NEVER feels very good. I know the rejection hurts, but it sounds like you will process that and re-create something that matches your needs and standards.
Thank you for letting us be a part of your process!
Heidi
Hi Jen,
What is he good at? What does he tend to help people with in life? What are his interests and hobbies? Those are the areas that you typically want to tap into for the hero instinct. If he is really good with computers, ask him a computer question. If he is really interested in astronomy, ask him questions about that topic and show interest so he ends up teaching you. If he is good at fixing things, then have something for him to fix.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
I just wanted to check in and see where you are at. Have you learned anything new? How are you feeling about the situation?
Heidi
Hi Leila,
Not a stupid question at all. It sort of can activate his hero instinct. It depends on how you ask it. If you are asking him to clarify so you don’t misunderstand what he is saying, then I would say no….it wouldn’t activate his her instinct. If you were asking because you don’t know what the word actually means, then yes, it would activate that instinct some…so if you said, “I have no idea what this word means! Will you help me? Can you explain this me? I feel silly asking, but I want to understand.”
Does this help?
Heidi
HI Sietske!
This is a great question!!!
I first want to ask you….how has the “serious relationship” topic come up? If you have only seen these guys a few times each, talking about a serious relationship already, might be what scares them away. Even thought that is what you want and what they want….it takes time….you don’t really want to commit to one person so soon before you really know them. In the beginning, it’s good to keep the pressure off and just enjoy their company and get to know them. Then, as the relationship develops over time and you know for sure that you like each other (that takes some time as well) THEN you start to talk about something more serious.
Share more details so we can figure out how to guide you a little better.
Heidi
