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Crap! I’m so sorry! You must be so nervous heading over there! Who knows…maybe if you are honest with him about how you really feel, he will respond. I wish you the best in your conversation with him!!! I think it’s really time for some honesty and see where that takes you.
Please keep us updated!!! We would love to hear how everything turns out from this trip!
Heidi
Hi Trudi!
First, this relationship is about both of you. You were hurt and you were trying to figure out how to get through it. Of course you didn’t trust his overtures! After having an affair, it would be hard to receive something like that. Trust takes time to build back up. It takes time to re-shape and re-configure interactions. He wasn’t getting his emotional needs met, but that is the lesson for him as well. HE is the one responsible for that. He was the one denying his own needs, not listening to them and taking care of himself…therefore creating the perfect platform for an affair to show up.
Moving forward….what if you guys committed to playing a game together instead of tv. There are some great board games, card games etc. that if you played for 1 hour first, before turning on the tv…that can create some amazing bonding! Or what if you guys committed to 30 minutes of talking before the tv. You can google “first date questions” and you will be surprised what INCREDIBLE questions come up….questions you wouldn’t even think of! Create a list of 50 questions and then you can go through those questions each night. Point being…if you are guys are heading back into the same patterns, you can change that in 1 night…make that 30 to 60 minutes of times together light, fun and a time to get to know each other in ways you never have before.
Do you think he would respond to that? How does that make you feel?
Heidi
HI Sarah!
How are you doing?? Are you healing? Feeling any better?
You are feeling despondent….of course….you are confused. One of the best ways to get clear and regain control in your life, is to set some boundaries that work for you. I like Kanya’s idea a lot. What if you just said to him, “I miss you so much. Losing you has helped me realize how much work I have to be a better partner again. So in honor of that, I am going to take 1 month and really focus on myself, healing and how to tap into more of my potential. I won’t be as responsive, but know that it’s not for a bad reason. It’s for a really good reason.”
If you spend a month where you really commit to your healing, clearing your head, getting more emotionally stabilized….then you guys can re-connect and see how things go from there.
Finding a good match is really dependent on you. Like attracts like….imagine if we all walked around and had a certain radio frequency we lived in. Let’s say you are 100.7 FM. The people you will be attracted to and vice versa, will live somewhere around the same frequency as you. So if you keep finding that the guys you are connecting with are not what you need, you might want to consider really looking inside of yourself and maybe changing the radio frequency you are living in. I can speak, from first hand experience, that the more baggage I got rid of, the better the guys got. It’s crazy! I didn’t even have to do anything different. Healthier, smarter, more connective men naturally showed up and were interested. The crop of gents to pick from was sooo much better once I let go of some past junk that was holding me back from being my best self. It’s like the list Kanya talked to you about. You have to be what you want to attract. So my question is….do you see anything that you are missing inside of yourself that would prevent a healthier guy coming towards you?
Does this make sense?
heidi
HI Adrianne!
I’m so sorry! You must be in shock and hurting quite a bit. Do you have any idea what happened? Did you sense that he was unhappy on any level? Did he say anything to you at all to give you a clue as to why he was deciding this? How long were you together?
You can send a text anytime. If you are wanting your stuff back, there is no harm in asking for it whenever you want.
Heidi
Hi Mara!
Good for you for not only taking some time to be alone, but also now, taking a big risk again. It is not easy, especially when you don’t feel very strong in your communication skills or asking for what you need. I want to encourage you to keep watching those movies where the female is a strong character. Movies can be really powerful as they can portray exactly what we need to be in our own lives. If we don’t have real life role models, at least we can see it on the screen and watch everything play out. Have you ever seen “The Holiday?” I’m sure you have if you love romantic movies.
Communication absolutely does get easier. Like any skill, there is a learning curve, so it’s very difficult at first, but then you find your voice in all of it and all of a sudden something that was so hard before is much easier.
For people who are not the best at communication, I like to have them just start with learning how to ask questions. If you were a reporter and needed to write a story about a certain issue, then you need to ask questions! No question is a dumb question. All questions are good because the answers can take you down some type of path that has an answer for you. So if you have a need that you need to ask for from him, you could say, “Do you mind if I ask a question? I’m scared because I am not very good at this at all, but I just wanted to know how it would make you feel if I requested for you to turn off your phone while we are at dinner together?” He may say, “I really don’t like that idea.” Now is where you can really begin to ask some good questions….having the “reporter” mindset helps you focus on learning about who he is and why he thinks/feels the way he does. Your response, “Really? That is not what I expected to hear. I really am curious….how come you don’t like that idea?” “I have so much work and I need to be available for my job during this project so I keep things on track. If I don’t, I end up going to work with a big mess to fix. I need to be available all of the time right now.” “Ooooh! I see….and that makes complete sense. I don’t blame you at all. I miss you and want just a little time for us to be together…just us…without the phone. I understand you have work right now though. What do you think about setting the timer for 20 minutes and during that time, we can eat and catch up. After the 20 minutes, you can respond to whatever you need to. Does that feel possible for you right now?”
Does this make sense? It’s always really, really helpful to start sentences by saying, “How would you feel if…..” instead of saying “I need you to put your phone away during dinner.” The goal with communication, especially when asking for your needs, is make the person feel part of the process and even inspired to meet your needs vs. being told what to do. So I have found it really helpful to just ask them how they feel about my need…then it can turn into a really good conversation where we learn about each other. He is not on the defensive, I am not on the attack. That’s in a perfect world though. Many times it does not go that smooth, but that is the ultimate goal. Another thing that is crucial about communicating your needs, is to get VERY clear about what you need before asking for it. Men need help and direction. If you were to say, “I need to feel more connected to you” then he does not have a clue what the heck that means. So you want to say, “I really want to feel more connected to you. Here are some things you could do that I LOVE! You could put your phone away at dinner, you could turn off the tv when getting into bed, you could tell me you love me when leaving for work, you could text me small messages throughout the day like you used to….etc.” So when asking for a need, BE SPECIFIC! Men need concrete examples so they can then feel empowered to be your hero!
Does this make sense?? It’s a lot, but good for you for starting down that path. It’s scary!!!
Maybe you guys could also create one night a week where you dedicate 30 minutes to where you tell each other something that is hard to say. It doesn’t necessarily have to be struggles you are having with each other. You could make it a time where you tell each other things you like about each other, or learned about each other, or notice something about yourself….even just sitting down and creating a space where you get to be afraid together and practice that wonderful skill of communication. It is always the top 1 or 2 reasons for divorce, so if neither of you are good at it…you guys are gonna have to fight harder to keep each other around.
Heidi
Hi Mara!
It sounds like you have a wonderful connection with him. I want to validate how hard it is to work with someone who is depressed and guilt ridden and has abuse in their background. I’m glad to hear he is getting help. Many times women fall for a man like that because he needs a lot of love. It’s hard though because as much as he wants to be loved, he has another part of him who will ruin it and cause a lot of hurt (I’m glad he is aware of this about himself). Essentially, he is split and as long as those 2 sides to him exist, it’s a tough road of ups and downs, connection and then hurt….round and round you go with him! His problems are deep and there is a long road of healing. i’m glad to hear he is getting help. What is he doing? Is he on medication? Have you noticed any changes since he started getting help?
Can you offer more details about your situation? Are you just dating, have you broken up completely or still friends?
Heidi
Hi Giselle!
This is really hard what you are doing. It hurts. You want him to choose you and he is not doing that….so it’s time to choose yourself.
Here is something simple you could say. “You know….I learned something new about myself and it includes you, so I want to share with you. I learned that it hurt when you told me you were in a new relationship. I learned that I really can’t look at you as just a friend. Truth be told, I want to be her….and I’m not. It hurts, but I will be okay. This also means that I need to shift how we interact. I’m not ready to be friends yet. I need some time to deal with my feelings and create some closure. I want to honor your choice with this other woman, so that means the best way I can do that is to stay away and take care of myself. I also want to ask you to not come on the trip. I don’t know how to be “just friends” with you. I have too many feelings and it just hurts. As I am honoring your choice, I request that you respect that I need some time away from you so I can move on and heal.”
How does that make you feel? The goal here is, not to blame him, be angry at him….but to just take responsibility for how you feel and create a clear boundary that will help you heal. You keep the conversation about how you feel and what you need in light of his choice.
Heidi
Holy smokes!!! Wow! Look at you!!!! You are taking back all of your power and creating the life you really want and need in order to thrive. Well done! That is sooooo hard to do!!! It sounds like you are handling everything really well. You are allowing the tears and hurt to be there and you are allowing yourself to grieve. Something like this is a roller coaster ride. Some days are amazing, some days completely suck and some are in between. As you do more and more healing, you will have more and more up days and less down days. hang in there!!! We are here for you, even if you want to just write in and vent and talk about what a crappy day you are having.
You are worth fighting for and I am immensely proud of you. You have many gifts ahead of you. Stay the course and keep your sights on yourself and learning to love yourself more and more.
Keep us updated please!
p.s. thank you for the compliment and calling me amazing! it always feels really wonderful to have someone think that about me.
Heidi
Hi Sietske,
It sounds like you have a wonderful connection with him!
Yes, it’s okay to contact him again for now. I would not initiate meeting up, but you could make a really small effort and see what he does with that. For example, you could say something like, “I saw this movie the other day that totally reminded me of what we talked about. You should check it out!”
If you say something to the effect of you saw something or heard something that reminded you of him, it’s sweet, simple and lets him know you thought about him. And it’s something that doesn’t really force a conversation…meaning, if you text and say, “how are you?” it creates a conversation and you initiating that conversation. If you say something like, “Hey, I saw this and thought of you….” and leave it at that, it allows for the space for the guy to initiate further conversation with you if he wants.
Does this make sense? I know the old fashioned thinking as I have that tendency as well. So a good compromise is just saying a statement like that and then let it be. He will have to initiate and create conversation so it still leaves the ball in his court to make some effort.
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Andrea!
Thank you sooooo much for your honesty! It helps me be a better guide. Trying to offer someone advice online, knowing such limited details and having such limited interaction is hard. I find it to be the most difficult part of this process. There are sooooo many dynamics and things to consider for each situation, but I cannot go into ALL of them, because it’s just too much information. So what I try to do is find the most important aspect that I see and coach from there….and sometimes it gets confusing on the receiving end because it is not the entire picture. So you telling us this is good information for me…it helps me learn how to say things differently, figure out if what I am saying is coming across different that what I mean etc.
So I will make an attempt at explaining what I mean further and see how this goes and I trust you will write back with your wonderful questions and thoughts again!
In working with the general concept of acceptance, it does not necessarily mean there cannot be change and growth. The most powerful change and growth actually comes from a place of acceptance. When you take on the spirit that what is happening in the moment is not okay and you want to change it, it creates a struggle. That struggle also creates a very limited perspective. A really simple example is this….if you were to go on a hike and your only thought is to get to the peak of the mountain, you would not see the beauty along the way. You might see some things briefly, but you truly would see nothing for all that it can offer you. It goes with that saying, “life is a journey, not a destination.” That’s what I meant to portray to you. If all you focus on is getting him back, then you end up missing some of the gifts that could be there for you during the journey. When anyone becomes so focused on not being able to be truly and completely happy unless they have what they want or think they need…then they miss out on life. If someone was 200lbs overweight…they have to work on accepting that they are 200lbs overweight and still be able to find joy in their life. Does that mean that they also cannot work on changing their diet and exercise? Absolutely not! If they can accept what is, in the moment (they are overweight) AND work towards becoming healthier, THEN the process becomes so much more powerful! The part where it can be ineffective though….is if that person was driven by looking a certain way. If they keep thinking, “I am going to eat healthy until I am only 130 lbs and a size 6” then again, they miss the journey. The healthy perspective would be, “I am going to connect to my body and listen to the symptoms it has to tell me. I am going to love my body and care for my body in a way that is respectful, honoring and caring. Whatever my body ends up looking like, on any given day, is okay.” That way, happiness is not based on something external changing….it based on an internal process. So this is where I am saying for you, the perspective of, “I am not with the person I love for right now. I am okay and loveable whether or not he chooses me. I am going to still continue to learn how to be a better partner because that is the kind of person I want to be. If he comes back and wants to fight for me, then great. If not, I will be okay.”
So for you…I am saying, accept that for today, he has made his choice. If you are only doing all of this work just to get him back, you are approaching this like the person on the hike. Getting to the mountain peak is all that matters….and then you miss the journey along the way. Because reality is, nothing is a guarantee….you could learn all the skills you want, change your behavior the best the you know how and do everything under the sun perfectly and exactly as it is supposed to be….and it still does not guarantee he will come back. So then what? You went to all of that effort and still did not get what you wanted. Whereas….if you go through all of this effort so you can learn how to be a better person, a better partner etc. and learn how to be okay whether or not he comes back….THEN you are on a winning path where you won’t feel so empty if you don’t get what you want. Acceptance that the relationship is over for today AND still implementing all that you are learning needs to be for the sole reason that you want to be a better partner. That is the hardest part about this whole thing! Learning to be okay and comfortable in the unknown. It is one of the skills I really teach people to work through because you will need that skill for the rest of your life! How can you find peace and acceptance for what is happening RIGHT NOW? If you want things to be different, then it’s about making changes in yourself because you want to be more of your potential…not because you want to change something outside of yourself. That is about controlling your life vs. accepting. And that’s where it gets confusing. Acceptance does not mean you don’t make changes. Acceptance means you find peace with what is….it doesn’t mean giving up. Acceptance means going with the flow but it doesn’t mean you can’t influence where the flow is going. I accept that for right now, I am single and I have a wonderful peace about that. Does the mean that I don’t keep my heart and eyes open for a man to come along and change that? Nope. I am always working on myself to improve my presence, my emotional health, my physical health, my teaching abilities etc….but not so I can get a man one day…purely because I am here, living each day the best possible way that I can. Whatever shows up along the way, is what shows up. I have no other control than that. I will not invest my energy in doing something specific to make sure I bring a man into my life…and believe me, I have tried that. I found that it stole my joy and peace. I found that when it wasn’t working, it was frustrated and kept thinking “what is wrong with me?” There was nothing “wrong.” It was that my focus was not on enjoying life TODAY, because that’s all we have anyways. When I just started focusing on becoming more loving, accepting and peaceful with what shows up in my life, I found freedom. Struggle with what was happening (even though sometimes it brought hurt) was much less as I found the struggle had gifts for me.
Is this making any more sense?
No one can tell you what to do here Andrea. This is your process. We cannot tell you to give up or keep moving forward. What we can do is give you ideas of how to influence the outcome. But what I also want to encourage for you, is to work towards finding peace and happiness with what is happening right now as well. If you feel like you will only be happy if he comes back, then that’s where you are putting your happiness in the hands that don’t need to be holding it. Your happiness belongs in your hands and you have control over that…and that’s about all you really have control over.
As far as what he said to you about how you communicated to him the past, be kind to yourself. You are human. All we can ever do is be who we are until something shows us that it does not work anymore. We all have times where we have to wake up to ourselves and it’s awfully painful to know the damage we have caused. So love yourself and forgive yourself. I’m glad he had the strength to tell you, so now your awareness empowers you to improve that part of yourself.
It IS hard. It hurts, you feel powerless, you feel lost and confused. There is NOTHING easy about that. What if you could free yourself from those emotions even if he doesn’t come back? What if that was your goal? THEN….if he does come back, you will be a much better partner and be able to offer him a much more healthy relationship and most likely, will support a relationship that lasts a loooong time!!!
Hopefully this is more clear what I am saying….I would love your feedback and honesty!!!
Heidi
Hi Bette,
What I meant about having a longstanding pattern is that for a few years now, you have been very unhappy and kept waiting for him to change….which then led into you deciding to get a divorce but still offering booty calls. My guess is, this has been a pattern in your life many times, probably even since you were a child. This type of pattern is a coping pattern. It’s how we end up dealing with our lives and the challenges and often times is developed from childhood. This type of pattern is co-dependent…which means “meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself.” This is not a bad thing actually….it’s an important quality to have in a relationship….it’s just when it gets out of balance that it becomes toxic and harmful. I know for me, I tend towards narcissism in certain areas of my life and dependence in other areas. I will always be this way and those are the patterns that show up when I am in survival mode. My goal is to not necessarily change those qualities of my coping mechanism….I look at them as symptoms. So if I am being more narcissistic, then it just tells me that I am starting to head into scarcity mode and it’s time to start to take care of my emotional health. Can you look back at your life and recognize this pattern of yours? Is it your initial reaction to want to make everyone happy? Is it hard for you to disappoint people and not give them what they need? I mentioned this about you because some of the language you have used to describe your situation has the flavor of co-dependence. What do you think?
You are starting to write from a stronger place. It’s wonderful to read! You are becoming much more clear about what you want and need! I should have been more clear about no communication with your ex. I mean, no more communication about relationship stuff. If he brings it up, I’m suggesting not to even discuss it or have a response. Your response can be, this is not up for discussion and move onto the topics that need to be addressed about houses, animals, finances etc. If he continues to bring it up, you can always say, I’m going to get off the phone now. I will call back later to discuss the finances.
As far as your friend goes…it sounds like for now, it you are not interested in disconnecting and that the relationship is appropriate. I still feel that there is potential for some not good things. A married man is creating a friendship with an available woman whom there was a romantic connection with. But hey….I could totally be wrong! Maybe it will turn out to be okay in the long run. Maybe it won’t….if it ends up being something of a challenge, knowing your spirit and your wonderful desire to know the truth and face things….I have full confidence you will deal with it!!! So all in all….this is completely your design and this is how you get to know yourself and your limitations and your limitlessness!
Thoughts???
Heidi
Hi Andrea!
You are asking a lot of very important questions…and some hard questions as well. No one can predict what will happen. There is NOTHING that exists that works 100% of the time. Each person has their own unique situation and so many variables, so as much as these programs work, sometimes they don’t. It just all depends on what is really going on between the couple.
First and foremost, I want to encourage you again to spend your time and money on helping YOURSELF. The more you heal, forgive and work on your own limitations, the more clear you will be anyways. Yes, learning skills to be a better partner is always helpful. But if all you focus on is getting him back, you end up missing many things along that way that may be important for you. It’s like having tunnel vision and that can be very limiting and misleading.
It sounds like every time you bring up anything about the relationship, “i.e. I miss my best friend” it causes him to pull back. Asking him to stay in your son’s life is a pretty big request. It’s not really healthy for you nor your son….being involved in a kid’s life is a lifetime commitment and there is no way he could commit to something like that. That is the hardest part about dating. Your kids get affected as well.
This is really your choice as to what to do. If you want to continue investing all of your energy into trying to get him back, then that means you will have to deal with a lot of rejection and uncertainty for awhile. If you want closure, then it’s time to move on and close the door. If you stay, it’s like having and open wound that you will just have to deal with the pain that comes along with that. If you decide to honor his choice, then that’s allowing the wound to heal. Yes, it hurts but time will heal. It does get better. Part of your hurt that you are feeling now is the constant uncertainty. There is no closure so this open wound just stays open and raw and painful. You have to decide what is best FOR YOU considering the circumstances. Today, he is not coming back….and that is all you have. If you live in the moment, then you make decisions according to the information you have TODAY. It’s not to say that he won’t come back at some point. He could. I have seen that happen as well, but I always advise people to deal what is happening NOW….not what could be, as anything could happen.
What are your thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Tracey!
I can see why you are completely confused! He is saying one thing and doing another.
I just have a few questions….
What does he think a “relationship” is? He is behaving like he is in a committed relationship with you. All his actions are in alignment with that, so what does he think or believe will happen if he says he is committed to you? What EXACTLY is holding him back? What EXACTLY does he believe he cannot offer to you?
Why is he not legally divorced? How long ago did they break up? How long were they married? Do you know why she cheated on him? Is he planning on getting a divorce? When?
I’m wondering if he doesn’t want to commit because he hasn’t even cut the ties from his wife. I want to really warn you to slow this down. He is not even legally available. He still has a wife. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t live with her or isn’t in relationship with her. Something is stopping him from moving on completely in his life and that means some serious red flags! I can’t tell you how many times people end up going through some emotional turmoil once divorce proceedings begin. It’s a big loss….a loss of a dream and there is a lot of emotional baggage that comes along with that….even if it is years later!
I know you are falling for him and it’s near impossible to cut that off. You are heading down a pretty rocky path though. He is not being very kind to you actually…he is romancing you like crazy, connecting with you and developing a wonderful friendship with you…occasionally kissing you…..all the while telling you that he is not willing to be in a relationship with you. Whether he is conscious of this or not….he is playing with your HEART!!!! There is NO WAY you can guard against being treated like that! Of course you are falling for him! Any woman would!!!! If he cannot be in a relationship, what is he doing dating??? What is he doing pulling you emotionally deeper and deeper towards him KNOWING that you are falling for him! And then….when you tell him that you are falling for him, he turns up the heat by being more and more connective with you. OF COURSE THE LINES ARE BLURRED!!!! He is being irresponsible and not REALLY caring about how he is affecting you. He is getting ALL of his needs met with you but not willing to meet YOUR needs. I know he treats you super well and makes you feel amazing and is meeting your needs, but he is not honoring what your heart is going through and the consequences of that. If he really cared about you….he would also care that he is causing you to fall in love with him and he cannot offer that in return….which means he is not caring how much he is ultimately hurting you.
Being that he is not going to change….you are the one responsible for protecting your heart. If you choose to move forward with this, then you are falling in love with a man who is no available and that is a REALLY tough road. I get it’s super wonderful right now, but you are falling in love and now you are heading into danger zone. I also know that the idea of letting him go will crush your heart too. This is what I would advise though….he is not available for you….at least not right now….at least as long as he is still married….he needs to cut ties and work through the loss of his family unit and all the emotions that come along with that….THEN he can start to date and consider a relationship again. It’s up to you though. Either path…choosing to stay or choosing to go….is up to you. If you choose to stay….understand there are no blurred lines here. Something is stopping him from moving forward and it is what it is….you need to accept that. His actions and his words are not in alignment and that is just going to be how it is. If you accept that, then there is no confusion. If he ever decides to be honest and share with you “why” he is behaving in this way….then maybe you will get more clarity and find more peace in your decision.
If you are not willing to let him go…then maybe consider starting to date others and start to put boundaries up. No stopping by…only seeing each other every once in awhile and cut down on how much you communicate. If you really slow this down, it may help you gather more perspective about what is happening. Dating may also help divert and distract you to help you slow this down.
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi!
Well….he is interested enough to have responded and said good morning. It’s such a new encounter which makes the connection pretty fragile. He could be interested today, but something changes by next week! That’s even true for you!!
Whenever getting to know someone…it’s a day to day kind of thing….until you build up some time and experience together to establish patterns and confidence in each other.
So for today…he responded which is enough for you to go on that he is interested to at least interact with you. I wish I could give you more of a solid yes or no….you, nor I, have no clue what is going on in his life, what he is like and what will happen. That is always the risk and adventure in getting to know someone.
Heidi
Hi Giselle!
I can see why you are confused! I would be uncomfortable as well. Just a few questions….during this past year, were you just friends or were you being intimate at all? When he told you about this new relationship….what did you say? Were you honest about how it made you feel? If yes, what did he say and how was it resolved? If no, what is stopping you from being honest?
Heidi
