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Hi Maria!
Thank you for writing in. Would you mind sharing a little more detail?
Who broke up originally? When he mentioned wanting to get back together a few different times, what stopped you from joining him in that idea? What was the cause for breaking up?
I’m sure he is sick of feeling the way he does. If he mentioned wanting to get back together and you didn’t agree, he can only do so much. He may be sick of feeling jealous and hurt that he can’t be with you. He may be sick of the games you guys are playing with each other. This is my best guess at least. Good for him for wanting to fight for some peace in his life and have closure. I know this hurts you, but sabotaging each other is not kind to each other and creates a lot of hurt and unhealthy patterns between you guys. It’s important that stops completely and that you BOTH authentically deal with what you are feeling vs. trying to ruin the other’s relationship.
Give it a little time. What’s the most important thing right now is that you get VERY clear about what you want. If you want to be with him, have you told him that? If yes, what did he say? The second most important thing is to make sure that whatever caused you guys to break up in the first place, is being worked on….otherwise, you both will end up right back where you are now. Do you have an action plan of how you can improve your interactions with him and how you can be a better partner in the areas that need improvement from your end?
This really may be salvageable! It sounds like you both still have strong feelings with each other. It sounds like he may just be trying to break the unhealthy cycle you both were in and that is a good thing. Now there can be a way to interact with each other in a healthier, more kind and respectful way! Might I suggest reading the “Relationship Rewrite Method?” That might be a good place for you to start. There are some great skills in that book that you can start to implement once you guys are talking again.
For now, just give him some space. Let him cool down, let him feel that you respect his need for space and spend some time getting to know yourself better so you can interact with him better.
Let us know your thoughts!
Heidi
Brenda!
Oh my goodness! OF COURSE what you are going through is sooooo normal! It’s a completely up and down and sideways process trying to break patterns that are that strong! You also had a marriage of 25 years. Even though it is ending this way, it’s 25 years of being bonded and connected to someone. Breaking away from that it incredibly difficult, especially when he keeps trying to pull you back in and trigger that wonderful heart of yours into rescuing him, because he is not ready to rescue himself. This is particularly difficult for someone who has your type of heart. You LOOOOVE to rescue and it is incredibly hard for you to see someone hurting….so walking away like you are is even MORE difficult than it would be with someone who doesn’t struggle with that particular pattern.
I don’t understand your mom. She gives you a book to help you understand co-dependence, but then tells you not to get a divorce because you are going into menopause??? She is advising you to stay IN your pattern of co-dependence. Something is off here.
Regardless of menopause or hormones or being on the rollercoaster ride…..YOU HAVE PLENTY OF EVIDENCE THAT HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC and does not want to change that. So you are left with nothing to work with here. If you stay, you will be right back living in your pattern…of which you of course can do! No one can tell you when you are done.
Out of curiosity…let’s say your doctor’s visit does confirm you are heading into menopause or that you are ARE off on your hormones. Do you feel that information would change how you are feeling about getting a divorce or how you feel about his drinking and not wanting to get better?
A wellness visit IS a good idea, however I doubt any information you receive will change how much you are feeling right now. It is completely normal to be solid and feeling great about your decision then breaking down and crying….then recovering more and feeling better etc….you know when you are healing more when the cycle becomes less and less….so maybe now you are crying 3-4 times a week, but in a few months, you may be crying once a week or even 2x a month. It’s just going to take some time. I again advise you to be cautious of what your mom tells you. Her reasoning for not getting a divorce sounds like it could be an issue she has personally and is projecting it onto you….not that she would be aware of that though. I’m glad you are checking in here with us, so we can offer a different perspective.
Keep fighting for yourself! Keep setting boundaries again and again and again until they stick. Don’t you dare give up on yourself! You are like a baby learning how to walk!!! You have never done this before and you want to be able to walk right out of the gate??? No way! You will take a few steps and fall and get back up and do that again until your muscles get stronger and stronger…until you get more comfortable taking a few more steps….all that matters is that you get back up and go again….and be kind to yourself along the way!!! Know that you will experience a gazillion different emotions right now and that’s normal and okay!!! You are doing a great job and you are heading in a direction where you are finally making yourself matter for once….how wonderful that is!!!!
Keep talking and checking in here!!!
Heidi
Hi Letty!
Man that is frustrating isn’t it??
Usually something has happened when someone has a GIANT reaction to something seemingly small. I know when I have big reactions like that, something got triggered from my past. For example, if someone was cheated on before and then one night their boyfriend didn’t call back when they said they would, it could send that person into a tailspin and a HUGE reaction over something so little.
Do you have any clue what that fight could have triggered in him? Is this his normal pattern or is this something new? Is he completely avoiding you at home as well? Are you guys not seeing each other at all right now?
Heidi
Hi Brenda!!!
Thank you for the update! You are having some wonderful experiences!
Isn’t it an amazing feeling to be friends with a guy and there is no attraction? It’s a pretty cool thing. As I’ve gotten older and more self esteem, I started to have more and more male friends where there was no sexual tension or interest….admittedly uncomfortable at first as I didn’t really trust it, but eventually became my new standard and way of interacting! It’s wonderful and I am so glad you have a new friend to experience that with….AND you get to help him without feeling you need to fix him! You are getting taste of what that feels like and that is one of the best ways to begin to attract more and more experiences like that. People are always really surprised when I tell them that being emotionally healthy is an acquired taste. It takes time getting used to knew patterns and even learning to trust and enjoy those new patterns. You are on your way!
In regards to your CB…I am going to still put a word of caution out there. Right now, you have been going through a roller coaster of a ride. One day you feel strong and connected to yourself and then the next, something happens and you fall back into old patterns….all of which is really normal as you grow. With that being said, your CB is still a vulnerable spot for you because you guys are still creating a friendship and bonding….of which I imagine his wife would not be too happy about. I know that at this moment, you guys are not being sexual, but that is an easy to pattern to instantly fall back into should the right mixture of emotions show up. There may not be any sexual energy, but what you guys are developing can actually be more dangerous….an emotional affair. He is most likely talking with you, developing this wonderful friendship with you and not sharing that part of himself with his wife. He is getting a lot of his needs met with you, therefore making his life and decision to stay with an alcoholic wife much more bearable. He is choosing to get his needs met through other people instead of choosing to fight for himself. I’m not at all saying you should disconnect. I would recommend that, however you are doing sooooo many things to improve yourself it’s wonderful. You are obviously not ready to let your CB go, so for now, I am just wanting you to be VERY conscious of your patterns, knowing they are still there and could possibly pop back up when you are least expecting it. It’s no different than an alcoholic. When they decide to go sober, they remove EVERYTHING that has potential to tempt them. They live that way for a very long time and then eventually, may be able to expand their world. We all have emotional addictions….yours is to save others, help others. I have a quite the list personally! lol. So know that part of yourself will NEVER change as that is ALSO one of the most beautiful parts of who you are!!! So you don’t want to change that part….you just want to make sure you only share that part of yourself with people who are safe for you.
In regards to your mom, my apologies for saying that about her with very little information. I admit that is something I need to work on in this forum when offering advice. I’m glad to hear she has changed her life around and having a wonderful experience now! Everyone deserves that! I wonder why she advised you to go back to an alcoholic….that part is why I said what I said…but of course like anything, that information is just the needle in the haystack! I will improve!
To close this book of mine for today, I want you to know I am beyond proud of you! You are making some very tough choices and I am soooo happy that you are finding and experiencing freedom. Remember this! Remember what is possible, because other times will show up that are the opposite side of freedom and it’s moments like what you are having now, that help remind you of what is possible and that you CAN create that! What a resilient person you are. You kick some serious a#$% Brenda!
Heidi
Hi Bette!
What interesting information you have shared! No wonder! You grew up with a mom as a role model and you have taken what she taught you and followed her footsteps!
So here are a few things I want to invite you to think about:
1. No more going to help your ex with chores etc. He is a grown man and can take care of himself. You going over and playing “mommy” and taking care of the chores in a house you don’t even live in…
2. You are responding to your CB telling him what he needs to be doing…again playing the “mommy” role.
3. You are asking for advice from your mother who is just as wounded as you are and who has clearly not evolved from her pattern of thinking that got her into an alcoholic marriage then an abusive relationship. She is NOT the person you need to be asking advice from or sharing your relationship troubles with. You are already further down the path of health than she is.So here your pattern is showing up again….meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself. You ARE Velcro. And truth is…you like it. Its’ your identity. You don’t know who you are if you are not fixing or helping or saving somebody. So that makes you Velcro for the troubled souls of this world. Think about this…what if you came across a man who didn’t need you to fix anything for him? What if you came across a man who was so emotionally healthy that he actually didn’t “need” you….he wanted you, but didn’t “need” you? Let me tell ya now…you would HATE it! You would know how to be around someone like that because what you have completely defined your worth by (being the helper, rescuer, mom) wouldn’t be necessary. It’s the story you have created to define your value. You NEED to find someone messed up in some for or another so you have something to help fix…and then that makes you valuable to them. Make sense??
No judgement here! We all do this in some form or another! I personally do it with my emotional intelligence. I have a belief that I am valuable to a man because I can help him through his emotional confusion, hardship etc. So I used to have a pattern where I attracted men who were less emotionally intelligent than me, then I would “amaze” them and they would find me valuable….I was the “teacher” and that was my identity and my value to a man. I had that epiphany about myself about a decade ago when I crossed paths with an ex boyfriend. He had, in the 10 years since I last saw him, done an INCREDIBLE amount of growing and healing. Our conversations were amazing! We talked the same language, we knew the same deep levels of healing that existed and I would say, we were probably about equal in our abilities to help, educate, advise and teach people about the inner workings of life. After a few conversations with him, I had this VERY STRANGE thought for the first time…”I have nothing to teach him really. He already knows what I know. What could I possibly have to offer him that would make me interesting to him?” What a moment I had with myself! A gazillion lights went off! I knew I had the pattern of finding those guys who knew less than me because it made me feel valuable, but I didn’t quite know it to this level. He had activated this very deep low self esteem in me and it was amazing! Ever since that realization, I worked on my self esteem connected to my drive to teach people and have grown so much stronger. Today….I am much more peaceful! I no longer have the drive to teach…not that I don’t teach the guys I date, but it comes from an authentic place vs. trying to prove my value. I also look for them to teach me as well!
So….your path is hard….it is uncomfortable!!! What if you started to ask yourself, “What is my motivation behind what I am about to say or do?” For example, your CB contacted you while he was out with his wife. The very best thing you could have done in that moment is to ignore him and leave him feeling the emptiness of the moment. His feeling empty is what made him reach out to you in the first place. You responding, gave him his “fix” even if it was just a moment. He got you to respond and that’s all he needed. Your motivation for responding also was you getting your fix of connecting with him as well and your response was in line with your need to help and save someone. So your goal from now on, is to turn all of that attention on yourself. If your motivation to do something for someone else is about “them” then DON”T DO IT! You have been in this pattern for so long that it’s second nature. So it’s time for you to start to wake up to your habit of rescuing and start to rescue yourself. If you don’t want to be Velcro anymore, then that means replacing your velcro affect on men to being velcro for yourself….and then when you get comfortable being that for yourself, you have healthy boundaries, you are comfortable no longer rescuing people….THEN you will notice how the kind of man you are attracted to is completely different!!!
Does all of this makes sense? I said a lot, hopefully in a clear way (although I trust you will let me know if not) and there is sooo much more I want to say, but this is good for now.
Have you tried the left/right handwriting yet??
Heidi
Hi Karla!
Yes! He still has some type of interest or he wouldn’t be contacting you so much. He is definitely putting forth the efforts to stay connected. He is thinking about you at odd hours of the night and seems to be really aware of you. Now…whether or not that translates into him wanting a relationship with you again…I don’t know. He may….but may be too gunshy for now, being that you already broke things off. Who knows! What you do know is that he IS responsive and that is a good sign!
How do you feel about flirting a little? Not sure what your relationship was like before, but in general, a man will not make advances if he doesn’t get some signal from the lady…as he does not want to be rejected. So flirting with him, may make him feel more comfortable easing back into the thought of being with you.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Rannveig!
I totally get it! You are asking some great questions and have some wonderful awareness about yourself!
In regards to getting out of the reddit “refreshing” button, it’s crucial for you to busy yourself somehow. You ARE sabotaging. Anyone who takes up that much of your thoughts and your time, has power over you that you need to take back. You have given him so much of your time, your energy, your attention that he is the one defining how you feel at any given moment. If he responds, you are happy…if he doesn’t respond, you are not happy. HE IS YOUR ENTIRE LIFE at the moment. That is a very dangerous place to be, because you don’t know who you are without him. It may be the main reason he is disconnecting, as he may feel a responsibility for you that he cannot handle…and should not handle.
You are also not responsible for him. His fear of getting “stuck” is a healthy one actually. If he completely lost himself when you were around, that is HIS challenge to face. He has to figure out how find his own balance in the midst of a blossoming relationship. If he can’t do that, then he is making a good decision to step away and get his life in order. It is not YOUR job to hold him accountable to that. Of course you can help and support, but ultimately he needs to be able to do that for himself.
So first thing is first….what is stopping you from creating your life, outside of him? What is stopping you from working, learning, having fun? Anyone in your situation would be addicted to reddit! You have nothing else happening, so of course his responses become everything to you! He is all you have to look forward to in your day. So what can you do to change that? What else can you do that makes you laugh, have fun, socialize, grow and learn?
Last question….you said that you offered to move to Japan but realized it was not possible considering your “mental health.” What do you mean by that?
Heidi
Hi Stefanie!
Thank you for all of the wonderful, detailed information! It helps tremendously! You have some great questions! You really have been through a lot with this guy. It sounds like you are emotionally connecting extremely well, yet don’t have that romantic type of relationship….which can be VERY confusing, especially for the ladies.
The messages you copied here are interesting. The first thing I want to encourage you to do is to NOT talk about very important or sensitive topics over texting. So many messages can very EASILY be mis-understood. In your messages, for example, from the VERY beginning, he knew exactly what you were asking and he was giving you an answer without directly saying it. He was quite smart about it actually. He was trying to say that he was not interested in you that way, without really saying it….until you pushed him further (well done by the way) to just answer the question DIRECTLY. It’s a tough conversation to have over text because there are so many emotions and feelings that cannot be expressed in a text. So in the future, work towards having the deeper conversations over the phone and avoid the texting!!!
Now….getting to your dilemma. You are not actually in as much of a dilemma than you think. Some of what you are saying will happen, may not even happen and can easily be controlled. The key here is YOU. This is more about you and much less about him. If you judge yourself and how you felt and present your story with an emotional charge behind it, he will react and most likely have the kind of response you want to avoid. If you present the information as light and as a phase in your life where your fears really got the best of you….then he will not feel obligated to you for anything because you will have already worked through all of it. If you feel resolved, at peace and moving forward with your life, then your story needs to match that feeling and not be full of heavy emotional content. And listen, you DO NOT owe him anything! You guys are not a couple. You may be friends, but that friendship will always be limited. There are PLENTY of things you do not need to tell him. You say that if you don’t say something, it will be dishonest. It won’t be dishonest! Just because you are friends, does not mean you pour your heart out to him and tell him all the depths of who you are. That space…that very SACRED space….where you hold the most tender, beautiful, vulnerable parts of who you are….that needs to be shared ONLY with those people who have earned the right to be in that space with you. He has not. If you guys were a couple and growing together as a COUPLE, then that is different. The reality is, he is not interested in that right now, so sharing your deepest, darkest emotions with him can cause a lot of trouble…mostly for you….that is a side you share with someone who is intimate with you, not just a friend (who is male) and whom you have never even met in person. He has not earned the right to know that very sacred part of who you are. Protect that side of yourself longer.
So what I want to encourage you to do….is to give this more time and not put a lot of thought into this conversation you are supposed to have with him. Not yet anyways. What if you just kept everything really light. It sounds like you guys have had a rough patch and need some time to rebuild. So in rebuilding….focus on what IS working and don’t worry so much about what isn’t working. If he were interested in something romantic with you, I would be giving you different guidance, but he was clear he does not want a relationship. Not to say that couldn’t change though. The odds will be much more in your favor NOT to scare him away with your intense story of the past year, if you focus on continued friendship and having fun, laughing etc. If you do head into the topic of this past year and answering his questions, it is sooooo easy to say, “You know…getting to know you has been a very interesting journey for me. I think you are so incredible and I LOVE how I get to feel when we interact. That being said, it’s been so fascinating watching myself get scared and all kinds of triggers coming up because of crap that happened in my past….and that’s part of why I started reacting the way I did. I have been learning so much about myself and it’s been amazing! I still have more work to do, but that’s okay. What’s important to me is that I face my fears. As much as you are a wonderful friend in my life, I have also developed feelings for you and that’s the main component that I have really worked through. I have really come to terms with that fact that I am going to love and love very deeply. And as much as that scares the shit out of me, I will be okay. It would be wonderful if you and I got to take that journey, but I also have reached a really wonderful place where it could be possible with someone else instead…and that’s okay! So all of this craziness you have been feeling from me…well, it was just my baggage….I was being triggered and afraid of hurting…but it has all brought me to this wonderful place of acceptance of what is happening right now…being grateful for what I do have instead of looking at what I don’t have….and feeling much more peaceful. Does all of that make sense?”
He WILL NOT feel obligated to you for anything if you take responsibility for all that you felt and keep a light spin on it and that YOU got it covered…YOU are the one taking care of yourself and you don’t need his help….YOU are the one responsible for your emotions and your process and YOU are the one responsible for your own healing and resolutions. He will feel at peace if you feel at peace. Does this make sense?
If anything….a man who hears a woman take responsibility for her emotions and not blame him or need him to “fix” her….that will build a TON of trust and respect from his side. It can strengthen the friendship. It can inspire him to feel a little more safe with you…which eventually leads to him possibly wanting a visit.
I would not mention a visit yet. I want to invite you to work towards feeling at peace about this “dilemma” you feel, get through the conversation and let some time pass and see if he initiates that visit.
What are your thoughts on all of this?
Heidi
Hi Rannveig!
Wow…you are going through quite a bit. I am so sorry! Relationships are so hard because they are risky and especially during the beginning, very unstable and unpredictable….especially at the age you both are at.
This is a tough one. All the cards are stacked against you…especially the distance. Trying to start a long distance relationship out of thin air is so incredibly hard.
I want to encourage you to really listen to what he is saying. If he is being honest with you about all of this, then it’s important for you to trust his process and that he knows himself better than you know him…and if he is saying he is not ready….then he is not ready. There is sooooo much you don’t know about him. Him wanting to protect you from him…there might be reasons beyond what you understand.
I know this is not at all what you want to hear. But it is sooooo important to LISTEN to someone when they are telling you who they are. You are trying to change his mind and talk him into doing something he is not ready for and that can only end in even more heartache. He is setting a boundary…if you love him AND love yourself as well…you will listen to him and accept what he is saying.
What you CAN do though….is stay friends. If you stay in contact with him every once in awhile and develop a great friendship, then who knows where it will lead! It’s important to develop a friendship anyways right? That just might be the secret. You don’t want to pressure him to do something he isn’t ready for, but you CAN still get to know each other. I know it isn’t what you want, but it’s probably the best bet you have at this point. The thing is, there is nothing wrong with your relationship, so us guiding you with how to fix things, change things etc….isn’t needed. Distance is stacked against you and the guy just doesn’t want to be in a relationship….have you ever asked him about what is stopping him? I’m curious. That may give us a little more information as to how to guide you a bit better. But for now…can you find appreciation for what he CAN give you instead of what he can’t give you? That, in and of itself, builds a lot of trust. If he sees and feels that you honor his choices and don’t push or try to change him (which is most men’s biggest complaints) you will earn trust with him and that is so important.
In order for you to get through this, it’s important that you really, really take care of yourself right now. Movies, books, baths, laughter, going to the pound maybe and playing with animals, volunteering somewhere….you have got to fight for your emotional health right now and not let the depression and anxiety swallow you and steal your life away!!! Yes, you are going to hurt for awhile AND you can heal as well. If you are going to accept him for who he is right now, that means you have to let go of the story you have created around you and him and make a new one that matches him for where he is at right now. Who knows…maybe it will only be temporary, but for today….accepting him for who he is, is what is important…and that means you have to grieve the loss of him and the dream you built around him.
I’m so sorry! I know the heartache you feel all too well. I also know that healing will show up over time and the hurt will diminish.
Let us know more of your thoughts….
Heidi
Hi! Thank you for writing in and letting us get to know you a little. It sounds like you are on a wonderful path! Toxic marriages can really ruin a person’s self esteem. It takes time, education, patience and mostly, just honoring the mindset you are in….so you can heal. You are already doing a wonderful job! What you are reading has wonderful information in it and will help you in the future. I’m glad you are learning how you can be a better partner and how you contributed to a toxic marriage. Now is a time to rebuild your self esteem, to learn, to forgive and heal. You will know when you are ready to date again….for now, focus on yourself! Give yourself a good amount of time (maybe 6 months to a year) and spend this time learning about yourself and love and relationships. If you really work on healing all the hurt, it will help you attract a much more healthy experience next time!
Keep us updated on your journey! If you have any questions, please ask. We are here to help!
Heidi
Hi Brenda!
You are so much fun! In the middle of all your disaster, you still have a spirit that is so beautiful! You completely own your limitations and that is the very first part towards growth. DO NOT FRET!!! You are just like the rest of us!!! I can’t tell you how many times I have knowingly fallen off my path. This may help you understand….Here is a VERY short book that perfectly describes our human levels of learning and growing.
The “street” is our path. The “hole” is where our limitations, low self esteem, hurts / woundedness lives. The hole is where we end up when we make choices from the source of our low self esteem, hurts, fear etc.
Chapter 1: You are walking down the street and fall in the hole
Chapter 2: You are walking down the street, see the hole and fall in anyways
Chapter 3.: You are walking down the street, see the hold and walk around it
Chapter 4: You are walking down the street, then cross the street to avoid the hold completely
Chapter 5: You don’t walk down the streetRight now, you are at chapter 2. That is THE MOST difficult phase to get past! People tend to hand out at that chapter for a loooong time because it’s the phase where we really have to face our limitations, fears and hurts and release them, if we are going to graduate to the next phase. It’s the only way. And that is a path most people are either not really willing to do, or because there are some GIANT hurts hanging out there…it just takes awhile to really let them go. So…be kind to yourself. I figured this would happen and it’s very possible it will happen again. And that’s okay!!! What matters is you are waking up to yourself on a whole new level now and you are fighting for yourself. You ARE creating movement in the direction that is best for you….it’s just not easy and you will falter many times!
I’m gonna say this in a very basic way, but there is nothing basic or simple about it. You keep people in your life that hurt you, because you do not love yourself very much. You are wanting others to love you in order to make up for the emptiness inside where your love should exist for yourself. People who have a strong self love, have boundaries and standards as to how they are treated and it’s solid….they have little to no tolerance for being treated any less than with respect, kindness and honesty….because they value their own hearts as if it’s worth a million bucks!!! If you truly and completely believed your heart was worth a million dollars, would you hand it over to your CB? Would you hand it over to an alcoholic? Nope…because those people treat it like it’s worth $100.
Cigarettes typically represent a lot of anger that is buried deep inside. If you started when you were 20, I imagine your childhood is where that anger started. If you want to get rid of the ciggys permanently, then that is a good place to start exploring.
Your CB friend is male, safe and you both have an honesty with each other that most likely would not exist if you were face to face. Technology is pretty amazing that way. People can be honest and open about thoughts and feelings all the while feel safety behind not being seen. The consequences to vulnerability is a lot less. And because you cannot see each other, there is a fantasy that develops on both ends. Our minds are very creative! Have you ever read a book that you thought was amazing, then saw the movie and it was completely disappointing??? That happens to most people because our imaginations make up the incredible story that could never in a million years be matched by a movie.
I love that you meditated! It sounds like it had a wonderful affect on you. Keep doing it! It also helps to have some accountability and people to talk to. Is there a women’s group you could join? Or maybe a hire a therapist or coach? It would accelerate you hopping out of chapter 2 and make a speedy approach to chapter 5.
All that matters right now is that you keep fighting. If you fall back into those patterns, it’s normal. You get back up again and keep working on strengthening your “no”. In the meantime, start connecting to that part of yourself that is so wounded that she is connecting to people for love where love does not exist. That part of you needs to look to YOU for that love and no one else. It’s time for you to be a good mom for yourself. You have that little girl that is so starved for love and attention and she needs you.
Here is one exercise that you may find really powerful. Go to the store and get some paper of any kind. Find some GIANT crayons or markers. Sit down with all of it and have a conversation with her. The hand that you write with is you (the adult/parent) and the other hand is her. Start asking her questions. You write your question with your dominant hand, then you answer with your non dominant hand. They call this “left / right handwriting.” Experts found this accessed a very interesting part of the emotional system and surprisingly, when you write with your non dominant hand, you FEEL like a child. So you could say, “Hi. I am so sorry you are hurting so much. I know you are wanting to be loved and paid attention to. I am here right now and I want to talk to you. Tell me how you are feeling.” Then you answer with your other hand. What is most important is that your adult side DOES NOT fix anything of how your little girl is feeling. All you are doing is validating and listening. Asking her what she needs to hear from you, asking her how you can make her feel more safe. I know ever time I have done this exercise, I am surprised at what comes out.
Give it a whirl and see what happens!
You are doing a great job Bette! Keep that warrior maiden spirit alive in you and I promise you will shift and transform to the next level. You don’t stop until you get there!
I’m also excited for tap dancing!!! It’s such a great idea!
Keep it coming lady! We are here to help!!!!
Heidi
Crap! I’m so sorry! You must be so nervous heading over there! Who knows…maybe if you are honest with him about how you really feel, he will respond. I wish you the best in your conversation with him!!! I think it’s really time for some honesty and see where that takes you.
Please keep us updated!!! We would love to hear how everything turns out from this trip!
Heidi
Hi Trudi!
First, this relationship is about both of you. You were hurt and you were trying to figure out how to get through it. Of course you didn’t trust his overtures! After having an affair, it would be hard to receive something like that. Trust takes time to build back up. It takes time to re-shape and re-configure interactions. He wasn’t getting his emotional needs met, but that is the lesson for him as well. HE is the one responsible for that. He was the one denying his own needs, not listening to them and taking care of himself…therefore creating the perfect platform for an affair to show up.
Moving forward….what if you guys committed to playing a game together instead of tv. There are some great board games, card games etc. that if you played for 1 hour first, before turning on the tv…that can create some amazing bonding! Or what if you guys committed to 30 minutes of talking before the tv. You can google “first date questions” and you will be surprised what INCREDIBLE questions come up….questions you wouldn’t even think of! Create a list of 50 questions and then you can go through those questions each night. Point being…if you are guys are heading back into the same patterns, you can change that in 1 night…make that 30 to 60 minutes of times together light, fun and a time to get to know each other in ways you never have before.
Do you think he would respond to that? How does that make you feel?
Heidi
HI Sarah!
How are you doing?? Are you healing? Feeling any better?
You are feeling despondent….of course….you are confused. One of the best ways to get clear and regain control in your life, is to set some boundaries that work for you. I like Kanya’s idea a lot. What if you just said to him, “I miss you so much. Losing you has helped me realize how much work I have to be a better partner again. So in honor of that, I am going to take 1 month and really focus on myself, healing and how to tap into more of my potential. I won’t be as responsive, but know that it’s not for a bad reason. It’s for a really good reason.”
If you spend a month where you really commit to your healing, clearing your head, getting more emotionally stabilized….then you guys can re-connect and see how things go from there.
Finding a good match is really dependent on you. Like attracts like….imagine if we all walked around and had a certain radio frequency we lived in. Let’s say you are 100.7 FM. The people you will be attracted to and vice versa, will live somewhere around the same frequency as you. So if you keep finding that the guys you are connecting with are not what you need, you might want to consider really looking inside of yourself and maybe changing the radio frequency you are living in. I can speak, from first hand experience, that the more baggage I got rid of, the better the guys got. It’s crazy! I didn’t even have to do anything different. Healthier, smarter, more connective men naturally showed up and were interested. The crop of gents to pick from was sooo much better once I let go of some past junk that was holding me back from being my best self. It’s like the list Kanya talked to you about. You have to be what you want to attract. So my question is….do you see anything that you are missing inside of yourself that would prevent a healthier guy coming towards you?
Does this make sense?
heidi
