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Hi Sarah!
Soooo great to hear from you!!! It sounds like you are re-connecting to yourself a bit more than before. What are you doing to help yourself feel happier and take care of yourself? I love hearing all the ideas people have!
It’s interesting that he is becoming more engaging. What do you think changed? Are you guys talking a lot more now? Do you feel he is responding to you romantically or just being nice?
This event sounds like so much fun! Do you get to dress up and feel beautiful for the event? I’m so glad he said yes! Will you get to see him before then?
Heidi
Hi Candy,
I’m a little confused. Do you think there is the possibility of him cheating on you over the weekends?
Of course you are scared. If you were not scared, you would not be human, or you are very blocked off from emotions. Who knows why he has a sudden change of heart.
Could it not be possible that you helped him handle some important business transactions, therefore earning some trust? Maybe he finally feels he has everything in order in the way he wanted and now is ready to move forward with you. Have you ever asked him directly?
It sounds like you guys have a great connection! Do you feel comfortable moving in with him? You both have never lived in the same space, so that’s a bit risky moving in together when you don’t know each other in that way. Would you maybe feel more comfortable if he got a place nearby? Maybe he can just sign a 3 to 6 month lease and just spend that time getting to know each other’s daily habits, friends etc. Trust needs to be built in that way as well. You already know you get along great, no it’s time to see how you both interact REALLY seeing each other every single day and developing a relationship from that perspective.
It’s a good question you have. Why all of a sudden a change of heart? Why doesn’t he talk with you on weekends? Only he knows the answers to that, so he might be the best person to ask about that.
Embrace your fear and have some compassion for questions. You SHOULD be questioning! ALWAYS!!! Never stop being curious or noticing changes in patterns or being curious about who he is. That is what will keep you awake and connected to the moment vs. thinking that everyday is the same.
I’m not sure if this helps….we would love your feedback.
Heidi
HI Mitzi,
I answered your post in the other category….if you could provide more details, it would help!
Thanks! Heidi
Hi Mitzi,
Would you be willing to offer more details? Is it okay for you to date your boss? Some companies do not allow something like that. Are you guys dating or just having sex? What is the extent of your relationship at this point? How long have you guys been hooking up now? Is he married or already in a relationship? Can you offer more details as to how his behavior is changing? He was connective for awhile and then started to become distant? Or has he been more standoffish since you guys hooked up?
Heidi
Hi Rannveig!
You can obviously do whatever you feel you need to do. I would encourage you not to send it though. Valentines day typically is meant for “couples” and it may be a good day for him the feel the absence of you. He will be thinking of you on this day. Not contacting him will give him the space to feel the full weight of his decision. AND….it’s important for you to honor his choice for right now. I know very well how extremely difficult it is to stay away from someone you feel so deeply connected with. It’s gravely important for you to follow through on your commitment. If you keep contacting him, it’s not aligning with the decision that has been made. Sending something like that (an inside joke and quite personal for the both of you) is not honoring the agreement.
You can always make it, and maybe a month down the road, after the 30 days of not talking, you can decide to give it to him….maybe you can give it to him as a departing gift.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. It’s terribly painful to heal from heartache. It’s really important for you right now to take care of yourself. Make sure you nurture yourself really well! Go hang out with puppies, go watch light, funny movies, go volunteer somewhere where you can help others….it will help heal your broken heart. He is going away for a long time which will help create some closure for your heart. He needs to go experience this new adventure of his without being attached to someone very far away. Like Kanya and James are saying…he needs to grow up on a different level. He needs to have freedom to experience and be whatever he needs to be without having someone to think about that is millions of miles away.
As painful as this is right now, you will heal. Give it some time. It’s only been a week. You will most likely feel very different in a month….where it’s easier to go through your day without the heartache.
Take really good care of yourself right now as you let him go.
Heidi
Hi Trista,
Okay…this makes sense…he probably (my best educated guess) does not ever want to fall in love or give his heart to another woman again. He doesn’t trust. He will want to love and bond, but not really. He will always have a wall up that will not allow him to go any deeper, because that is where he got hurt and he probably will not go there again….maybe at some point his therapist will challenge him to go there.
So you have a choice to make. He is who he is, so you need to either accept him for exactly what he is and keep improving in the little ways you can. It sounds like he is responding on some level. Small improvements can help build trust, but truth be told, if he never works on forgiving those ladies for those deep hurts, the odds of you getting all the way in with him are slim to none….but it’s not to say you can’t get close to that. He may give you enough to make you feel happy and that’s okay too. If you don’t want to put that much work in and if you are not okay only living with parts of him, then it may be time for you to create a different experience with someone else. Either way, accepting him for who he is, is what is most important. That acceptance means you stay and keep working on things or you go.
What are you thoughts??
Heidi
Hi Letty,
Wow….my heart goes out to you….you have a tough situation here.
First, it sounds like he is a traditional type of guy where he believes that he is the head of the family and what he says goes…and whether you agree or not, it is your job, as his wife, to still do what he says and wants. Is this a design you agree with?
Second, out of that list, it all boils down to one thing. He doesn’t feel important enough. If he were important and valuable enough, you would never have done something like this. This core issue started waaaaaay before you came along. It’s funny how he is pointing the finger at you, all the while he is breaking every single thing on that list by not talking to you and disengaging. He is not being loving, a good companion, he is breaking trust and he is certainly not being respectful. He is being revengeful on all accounts. If he has cheated on you, then some of what he is so hurt about is being projected onto you. Many times, people with a guilty conscious manage it by pointing the finger onto someone else all that they are feeling and being….hence a big reaction being fueled by their own thoughts of themselves….not to say that he is conscious of this. He is very solid in believing that YOU are the sole person responsible for all of his hurt and he is going to make you pay. This type of thinking is incredibly difficult to deal with unless you completely go in “submit” mode and start to worship them and build them back up. That being said, they will typically punish you all along the way and feel justified in doing so.
So if you are sure he cheated you….what has stopped you from confronting him about it? What has caused you to stay with a man who does not have any integrity? Maybe it is possible that he has another woman at the moment, so this big reaction could be the lead-in to wanting a divorce. Who knows…those are valid thoughts, but really….none of that matters. What matters is you. YOU have to decide what kind of design you want for your relationship. He is the kind of guy who does not forgive and is revengeful in his actions towards you by pulling away and disconnecting and then making you apologize for everything to be okay. I imagine this is exhausting for you, as you don’t seem to have a place in the whole thing….it appears that everything is about him….so I am wondering if he has really strong tendencies towards narcissism. If he does….you are in a losing battle. You are there to primarily serve him and that’s about it….and you, of course, can keep doing that. But that means all kinds of resentment and anger gets buried because you wouldn’t be able to talk to him about YOUR feelings and how he has caused you hurt. I’m rambling and have a gazillion things I want to say, but I don’t have enough information.
So you have 2 choices at this point….validate his list and agree with everything he has said. That will probably bring him out of his funk quicker than ever, unless he is wanting to head towards a divorce. He may keep that wall up, as this is a good “excuse.” OR you can start to be honest with yourself and create a different design in the relationship. Do you have a coach or a therapist that could walk you through this process? It would mean that you need to be willing to let him go should it come to that. Have you asked if he would be willing to get help with you? Maybe you guys could try couples counseling.
I have said so many things….what are your thoughts? How did that conversation go in response to his list?
Heidi
Hi Brenda!
So good to hear from you!
First of all, you are NOT stupid! I know how you feel though. I have thought that many times about my choices as well, but in the moment, you were getting many of your needs met and it feels so amazing and takes us easily into fantasy land. SOOOOOOO many women do that!!! So you are actually quite normal. Men just operate differently…thank goodness!
Again, your emotions are all over the place because you came to this earth feeling deeply. It is part of your essence….and that means that when you feel something, it most likely is much more intense than other people. Who knows….you may even be an empath. I just don’t want you to think nor believe that those “all over the place” emotions is a bad thing. I know you are heading to the doctor and my guess is, they may want to prescribe some meds. I would suggest to ALSO go see a therapist or someone who knows how to teach you a skillset of how to handle all those emotion and work towards healing. I would be sad if you were to start taking meds and that’s where you stopped. It would be extremely beneficial to have a professionals voice to give you good perspective and help you heal.
Will you keep us updated as to what the doctor recommended?
Heidi
I want to add one more thing…
Yes his pattern is changing. Maybe he is getting back together with his ex…who knows. With that being said, I personally would also have my caution flags up. You are not overthinking…you are noticing a change in his pattern, so until you have the full understanding of why that has changed, stay alert and cautious. No need to talk to him about it just yet…just watch and observe and look for signs of anything else. There may be appoint in which you have that discussion, but not quite yet. Just watch and observe and keep gathering more information.
Maybe ask him more questions about how is work is going….or has everything resolved with his ex since he left on that trip…or how he is doing with his kids….
Those types of questions can give you more insight into what is happening on his inner world.
Heidi
Hi Cristina!
Wow…you really fell for this guy. So I’m curious…him having children does not matter anymore to you?
I want to re-inforce what Kanya is saying. Slow this down. It’s been a month and you are wanting him to commit to you. The beginning of a relationship is ALWAYS an up and down, very unstable process. Feelings ebb and flow like crazy! You guys need more time to stabilize and find what is normal for both of you. Texting and communicating as much as you were is A LOT. No one can keep that up…well women like to, but I have yet to find a healthy gentleman who responds that much and that quickly. He may be backing off because he is going through a lot with his ex and with his work. Who knows! For now, I would encourage you to take it easy if you don’t want to scare him away.
You have activated his hero instinct already, so I suggest to now activate his need to chase. Maybe it’s time you pull back the reigns a bit. Text less, use less “babe” and endearing terms and make him work for your attention a bit. If you are so easily available and responsive, he may lose interest. Especially in the beginning, it’s important to activate this side to a man. Make him feel like he has to earn you. Right now, you are so concerned about keeping his attention that you are forgetting he needs to EARN your attention. Are you so easily willing to give your heart to a guy that you barely know?? He needs to prove to you that he can hold your heart with care, with consistency, with commitment, with interest. You guys are not at that place yet.
For now, I suggest to pull back the reigns of your heart and make him work for it! You are worth the fight….now you need to teach him that!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Giselle,
You have made a decision! As much as it hurts, how do you feel? Do you feel a bit more peaceful and resolved?
Yes, I would suggest to communicate your choice with him. You can say something like this:
“Hey…I have made a decision. It is not healthy for me to fall for a guy who is not interested in taking that journey with me. I need some space and time to heal and close my heart off to that idea. I’m not angry with you…I am hurt, but that hurt is for me to deal with on my own. While I am hurting and healing, I just cannot be friends with you at the same time. When I have reached a place of healing and can honestly offer you a true and honest friendship, I’m sure we can be friends again and start fresh! You are such a wonderful person and I love how I got to feel when we were together. At the very least, my standards have been raised now. You taught me what was possible and I will always appreciate that. I truly wish you the best with your lady. For now, I kindly request for you to let go of me as well….of our friendship. If and when I feel good about being friends again, I promise I will reach out and we can go from there! Take care.”
How does that make you feel?
If he is not able to honor your request and keeps contacting you….you can always block him so you don’t receive the messages anymore. As long as you keep getting messages, you will not be able to move on. He will still be a part of your daily life and that is something that needs to change. You need to feel your life, your day without his energy in it now. My heart goes out to you. I know how hard this is. You can do it!
Heidi
Hi Naomi!
You are going through quite a bit right now. I just have a few questions.
1. You are married, yet you are here asking how to get this other man’s attention and wanting to “start over” with him. YOU are not available to have a relationship with him, so what exactly is your plan? If you did get this guy’s attention, are you saying you would get a divorce?
2. You must not be very happy with your husband or something is missing maybe that is inspiring you to want to look elsewhere maybe? What is stopping you from either improving your marriage or deciding to end it?
3. I will be very blunt here. My educated case from the information you have provided, this guy you are chasing is not that into you. It sounds like he may enjoy the sex, but he is disappearing and becoming non responsive when you are telling him that you love him and want to be with him. He most likely is not taking you seriously as you are married. It may even be why he felt safe to have sex with you….he didn’t have to worry about you wanting a commitment from him since you are already married, but I’m guessing he is learning quickly that you fell hard and fast for him and that is not what he wants.
Your concern of whether or not you can get this guy’s attention or not is not the biggest issue here. What you need to face inside yourself is that you breaking your word….and with a guy who is not even interested in getting to know you and only really interested in having sex….So if you really want to feel better, I want to encourage you to face whatever it is that you are running from. What are you afraid of? What are you avoiding? What are you needing from this guy that you are not able to get from yourself or your husband? If you face those answers and start to work with yourself (i recommend a coach or therapist or someone who can help you be objective and hold you accountable to your growth), you will feel soooo much better! You will be creating ways to get your needs met that are in integrity and that are healthy for you. Even if you never get caught, the cost of holding in secrets…the cost of breaking your word…it very slowly wears you down. It’s toxic and maybe it won’t be until 15 more years, but you start to lose parts of yourself….holding in secrets and breaking your word can be like a cancer to the soul. It slowly breaks you down…only little bits at time that you don’t even notice….but then one day, you may have a wake up call and look back and realize how much of yourself you have lost because of your choice. You still get to make this choice of course. We all have knowingly made choices that were not in our integrity and we end up paying the price for that. So if you still are going to move forward with this, I want to encourage you to still look at those questions and work towards finding healthier ways to get your needs met. And finally, this guy you are cheating with…I suggest you run in the other direction. I know you feel like you love him…but that love you feel is so limited and he sure as heck is not showing any sign, whatsoever, that he is interested in going down that path with you.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this! Please keep us updated!!!
Heidi
Hi Letty!
I’m wondering if he has responded yet to your apology that you recently sent.
I wouldn’t categorize his response as being a “male” thing….it’s a human thing. I know women who do the same exact thing. And yes…he is over-reacting for sure. Whenever someone has THAT BIG of a reaction, there is something underlying, deep and intense that is fueling the fire…and you just happen to be the current target. The anger, hurt and resentment towards you doesn’t belong on you, but instead on whatever the core trauma / hurt is. He may or may not be aware of what the core issue is. Do you have any idea?
There is not much you can do when someone is in that much anger and in revenge mode. It sounds like you have really tried, but there is point at which you have to start to protect yourself from continually feeling that rejection and anger coming at you. Has he ever behaved like this before? Is there anything else in his life recently that has also hurt him that you are aware of? You’ve been married for so long, I imagine this pattern has shown up before, even if it was less intense. Does he have the pattern of not forgiving easily? Does he tend to hold onto grudges?
You can stop the cycle, but you have to be willing to disconnect. You can set a boundary. You can say something like, “I have tried everything I know how to make this better between you and I. I don’t know what else to do….I need your help. I need you to tell me what you need from me to help you heal from the hurt I caused. If you are not willing to talk through this with me, you of course have that right. It also means that I am going to disconnect and stop working towards a resolution. The ball is in your court now. I want us to heal, but for that to happen, you have to want that as well. Until you do, I am going to take care of myself and hope that sooner than later, you find that part of yourself that is willing to forgive. You will no longer hear from me, but I will be waiting to hear from you. I love you.”
In the meantime, being that he is really hurting you, it’s important that you start to work on forgiving him for this choice he is making to hurt you. When you do connect, you want to make sure you don’t have any feelings for resentment and anger towards him. Not that you can’t talk about it, but you want to be as clear as possible from those toxic emotions that cloud conversations.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Giselle,
What a confusing trip! All kinds of mixed messages and not a whole of healthy communication! He was sending all kinds of mixed signals (especially now that he is with another woman). This is hard and I understand your confusion about what you want to do.
Maybe if I offer the 2 choices in a very blunt way, it can create clarity for you.
1. Stay friends: if this is your choice, you are going to keep hurting, because he isn’t choosing you…he is choosing someone else. If you were take some time apart and allow yourself to heal, you could come back and just be friends if you wanted. But reality is, you want him and have very strong feelings for him, so staying friends is only going to keep hurting.
2. Disconnect: if you choose this path, you will be able to heal and create some closure and peace in your life. You won’t be dealing with confusion and rejection, because there won’t be any. You will just have 1 thing to focus on and although it hurts, letting him go means there is freedom on the other end of healing. And then you become available for someone who fights for you and can’t imagine his day going by without connecting with you.
Either path, there is pain. It just depends on what type of pain you want to deal with. It’s important to stay connected to what is happening NOW vs. what could happen. For today, he has made his choice. The reasons don’t really matter. Whether you were not a good enough chase or made him uncomfortable, he has his own issues as well and that is clearly evident. The point being, the mixture of BOTH of you, for right now, is not something that supports ease, flow and a growing relationship. It’s nobody’s fault….it just is how it is playing out for now. So you need to make a decision from that space. Take what he has told you and learn from it so you can become a better, more effective partner for someone and you keep learning and growing so that whether he comes back around or someone else comes along, you are stronger, more equipped, have better skills and more self esteem to be a better partner.
This is an incredibly hard decision. If you wait around, hoping he will change his mind, that is totally your choice of which you can change anytime you want. If you disconnect and start to heal, you can change your mind about that as well. You are not stuck either way, but what you DO need to do is make a decision and live with that decision for a bit….your spirit needs some type of direction and closure by making a choice.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
I am so sorry! That is completely confusing to have a man care and send all kinds of signals that he really is connected to you, then not. It’s hard…and now you are seeing him respond to another woman.
Have you ever had a conversation with him DIRECTLY about this? I am wondering why you are holding on to a guy that is inconsistent….has he given you hope or are you hoping he will change? Does he know you are hurting? Do you have any idea as to why he won’t commit or communicate with you? Does he have a pattern of this in his life or has he committed before?
Heidi
