[Heidi G]

Hi Asja!

This question is a tough one. I hate to stereotype, but from personal experience as well as people I have coached, musicians tend to be very unpredicatble. It really is a different type of life and mindset…AND they typically have ladies ALWAYS willing to service their needs….and that is just fine for them. Do you think this guy falls into that “type” at all? That type is usually very non committal and don’t tend to put much effort into a relationship. If they connect too much with someone from home, they then do not have the freedom on the road to be and do as they please….and if they have tried, many of them have very jealous girlfriends….so many of them just don’t get into relationships.

Who knows what he is doing. I would suggest to continue dating, so you don’t put much effort or thought into a guy who only feels inspired to talk to you every few weeks. Besides, he may sense your lack of attention towards him and it may activate his need to chase you. If he doesn’t chase you on any level, then does the “why” even matter really? You have only seen him a few times…and ou are still technically married. This fact, in and of itself, may make him not take you too seriously…that is, if you told him that.

So wha exactly do you want with this guy? If you are still married, I’m not sure what you want. I’m more curious what is stopping you from ending your relationhip, so you are free and clear to create what you desire.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Hannah!

Well done on all of your research and learning everything you could! It’s great! Glad we get to be a part of your process!

It’s a great question you are asking and one that only time will eventually reveal.

The challeng here is….he is getting all of his needs met and you are not. You are wanting more connection…naturally. Seeing each other every month and 1/2 for a weekend makes it extremely difficult to grow a relationship when there is no communication in between that time. It sounds like he is responsive when you text him and initiate though, so that’s a good sign.

It’s sad that he is giving the excuse that he just can’t commit. If he is THAT afraid, then he really might have some deeper issues he need to face…or….it’s a line he uses with all the ladies in order to keep them at a distance.

You have 2 options here. You can decide that it’s worth all the work in order to figure this guy out (and that’s going to take some time) or you can decide that would rather date a guy who is not letting his fear control him so much. I personally prefer to date a guy who doen’t have anything stopping him from moving forward with me. Relationships and dating are hard enough without dealing with the fear of committment. Most of the time, the people I have coached through this, end up on this loooooong journey with the person, just trying to establish trust and safety. It’s your journey though and you ge to take it however you want. Whatever he is afraid of (or if he is playing games) bottom line is, you need more connection in order for you to feel safe to continue with him.

So if I am getting this right, he essentially said no? He is no willing to see you more than 1.5 months apart? Is he willing to communicate more possibly? Was he willing to compromise at all on the design of how you guys interact?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Hannah,

I am wond3ring if this is also his horrible habit. You may turn everything around to be about you, but does he also have the habit of not talking and sharing very much? I imagine so….so understand that he is part of this design as well. I am saying this because as much as you may change this habit of yours, I wonder if it will change his habit of not sharing with you. Let’s see and experiment!!!

Okay…so this is the formula I like to teach people when someone is sharing their troubles.
1. Validate
2. Get curious
3. Validate again
4 Problem solve

Basically, people just need to be listened to and one of the best ways of listening is to validate how they feel with statements like, “Wow…I can really see that you are hurting and struggling.” Then you get curious by asking them questions about their experience. This makes the person feel like they are center stage and that you are interested in their problem. So you ask questions like, “I see this is really hurting you. What would you say hurts the most out of the whole situation? What do you wish happened instead?” Asking deeper questions about their feelings is a GREAT way for the person to feel really listened to AND it helps them process more of their feelings. Then you can keep validating how they feel. THEN, you can help problem solve, many times by asking questions as well. “Do you think that if you mentioned this to them that they would respond well to it?”

Does this make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Tina,

First thing is first. Have you talked to your boyfriend yet? Have you decided to end that relationship for sure?

I think that is the first place to start. I think, at the very least, it would help your amazing guy trust that you are actually free. As long as you are still in a relationship, I imagine he will keep those walls up pretty high…as he should. It’s important for you to be very clear as to what you want. If you try to re-connect and give your heart to your amazing guy, all the while still have a boyfriend, that really splits your energy. You can’t have both, so what at you willing to do?

It’s great that he is responding every once in awhile. Are you sure he is not in a relationship? I wonder if he has some “crap” he is dealing with at home..work, financial stress, family stress etc. That could be contributing to his lack of communication.

In the meantime, I suggest just taking it easy. Keep it light and really re-inforce the friendship. You can activate his hero instinct. Is there anything you could ask him for help with?

If you guys do get together…is there a way to live in the same place? I am also wondering if the distance is a big hindrance for him for some reason.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Natalia,

This is a great question you are asking. It really is up to you. Each person is very different with how they handle a guy they are not attracted to. What I tend to coach people towards is to be authentic. The guy deserves to have your honesty. And being friends is typically not something most guys are looking for. They want romance. But you can always just be honest and let them decide how they want to proceed with you.

It’s funny how you have all these reasons as to why these 2 guys are not attractive to you. I have dated sooo much in my life and probably 95% of the time, I had excuses too….beyond all the excuses, the truth is, you are just not inspired to move forward with them. You can list the reason why, but reality is, there could be another guy that somehow you are inspired by and he has those same qualities that were unattractive in someone else. I no longer bother going into the “why” of not being attracted to a guy…I just leave it at that…I’m not attracted and that’s it…that simple. I also like to encourage people that you just aren’t sure, give it some time. The more you hang out with someone, the more information you will gather and THEN you can make a more clear decision as to how to move forward with him.

So it’s up to you! You can be totally honest…I like to say this: “Thank you for honoring me with your time and interest. I need to tell you that I just do not feel the way I want to feel with a guy. Nothing personal….it’s just not there for me.”

What do you think about that?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Tina,

Wow….so if I get this right, he has left a few times, to go to other women and then keeps returning? Can you share a bit more?

Is he wanting to work on your marriage? What kinds of things have you tried before to work out your challenges?

Of course you keep getting wounded….it hurts like crazy, even just once! And here you are having to go through this a few times! And yes…enough is enough! There is a boundary that needs to be created for your own health. Where are you both at right now exactly? Are you guys talking? Has divorce been thrown out as an option?

Man I’m so sorry….this is really tough what you are going through!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Stefanie,

All of this stuff is a completely different language to me! lol…no clue what any of it means…a totally different world than mine…

I definitely sense your frustration. It sounds like you already were honest with him….I’m curious how he responded. Maybe next time, put a little dazzle in it. You definitely could use this as a way to activate his hero instinct!

Like, seriously, NONE of this even remotely makes sense to me.
As far as I’m concerned – This statement here may come across as complete frustration to him and that your opinion of the game is on the VERY low end. Is this how you want him to feel? Maybe another way to say it: “I really had trouble trying to figure all of this out. It amazes me that you created this! I’m kinda thinkin that either I am really lame, or you are more brilliant than I realized….lol. I definitely reached very high levels of frustration, so all I have left to say is…please help! I need you!” Just a thought.

Keep us updated!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

It’s actually not a common thing for a man to feel when his ability to make money has been taken away.

Like I said earlier…the core of man’s self esteem is his ability to produce. It is SOOOOOOO powerful for them. Just like our core of self esteem is about connection and relationship. And that is why YOU could totally stay connected and be filled by relationship with him and not have a job…and be okay. That is why he cannot. I have seen it over and over and over again. It’s one of the most spectacular ways that men and women are built differently.

He will not feel worthy of your love until he gets his shit together and can start producing money. It is just something he has to do. And I guarantee, he doesn’t have any awareness of the depths of what he is facing and why. All he knows is that the amount of low self esteem he is feeling is BIG enough to cause him to take action to break up with you. It’s happened to me a handful of times. I would be dating a guy and it was going sooooo well…then bam! Something happened with their job and they became completely unavailable and would pull back so quickly. I always just had to let them go, because they had to take the journey back to finding themselves again…without me going on…as it is very painful on the receiving end. I have worked with couples where the husband got laid off….give it enough time and the husband starts to plunge into depression and all kinds of problems start to arise.

I am so sorry Joseline. Sleep away! It’s wonderful isn’t it? You don’t have to hurt. You just keep fighting for yourself 1 second at a time. Before you know it, you will find yourself laughing again at something. Maybe think about volunteering at an animal shelter, or go visit some puppies or kitties….animals can be EXTREMLY helpful in the healing process.

This is not your fault. He must figure this out by himself. It will actually make him stronger to do so. Unfortunately, he is losing a great love in the meantime…sometimes people need to lose the love so they can find themselves. I’m just so sorry!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Karla!

Well done! I think it is ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT skills to have…asking for objectivity. You are super smart by making that priority as we ALL misread things sooooo many times. So good job!

If you have any other questions, or just want to keep us updated, we would love to hear more from you!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Yes! I think it’s great you can tell him, or anyone else, to sod off! It’s YOUR process! I might feel differently about someone who was less aware of themselves…. but you are wonderfully emotionally intelligent, you look at the core issues, you are willing to learn, you reach out for help, you are VERY active in your growth and your path. So personally, if you were my friend, I would grab some popcorn and just sit back and relax and watch the show…because I trust your process. You are connected to the truth of the situation…and even the dysfunctions that exist. You are working with them and that….more than anything….is what is wonderful about the whole thing.

Well done Stefanie!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Tina!

Wow! What a story!!! So interesting!!!! and challenging.

Just a quick question….do you know why your awesome guy has pulled away again? You said you had a wonderful reunion and that he expressed how he felt. What happened?

As far as breaking up with your current boyfriend, there is NO POSSIBLE way to not destroy him. He is just going to hurt. He is so in love with you that breaking up with him is just going to hurt. If he is destroyed in the process, that is on him….not you. The ONLY thing you are responsible for is to be authentic and true to your self. And if that means that you want to break up with him, then he deserves that honesty. The longer you wait, the more time he loses to deal with the hurt and move on in his life. Let him go and find someone who feels as passionate for him as he feels for them. He deserves that!

I do question his reaction to you admitting your heart belongs to someone else. There is something a bit off that would cause him to fall in love with you more vs. pulling back a bit and really looking at the truth of the situation. Either he has some fantasies or something different going on that makes him excited about his lady being with another man, or….I don’t know. His response is something I would want to explore to find out what’s going on inside of his psyche to respond in that way.

So let us know what happened that caused him to disconnect and we can better guide you from there.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Natalie!

Thank you for writing in and sharing your heart troubles with us. I can feel your hurt and desperate need to change the situation. I’m glad you are asking or an outside opinion and deciding to educate yourself a little more.

I know you have a strong feeling towards him and he is all you can think about and that you believe he is your “person.” The danger in that type of thinking is that much of it is fantasy. You have been on 5 dates and that is not near enough time to know someone enough to find out if you are safe with them, whether they treat you well under stress, whether they handle life in similar ways as you do. It sounds like you gave your complete heart to him….when he didn’t really earn it. I have had VERY strong feelings for someone before too….right from the very beginning. However, as strong as those feelings were, as much as there was potential for us to become a wonderful couple, I held back A LOT so I could get to know how we functioned together. Over time, I discovered things about him that would not work for me in a relationship and I had to let him go. Relationship / love needs time under stress and tension, time built with memories, time to build a friendship. And it sounds like, from what you said his reaction was, that you didn’t really allow any space for development….it sounds like you might have jumped in head first into the deep end.

He said you needed to see someone for help. What happened within the 5 dates that would make him feel that way about you?

At this point, if you ever have a chance at getting him back, you let him have his space and leave him alone. You respect his boundary. THEN….you start working on yourself. Do you have anxiety / depression challenges? If you do, it might be a good idea to work with a specialist so you can find your bearings! At the same time, I too have been told I was many different things that I didn’t necessarily agree with. After talking about those things with my coach and asked for accountability, clarity, her thoughts….I found my own resolution and decided NOT to agree with what was said. So I’m not sure if you agree or disagree with his perception. Either way…that’s a pretty strong impression he has of you from such a short amount of time knowing you.

What do you think about his impression? How do you feel about giving him space for right now and working on what is going on in your actions that is causing and impression like that?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Stefanie!

Thanks for your response! There are some things I didn’t communicate very well, so let me explain a little further. I’ll address the teaching thing first and the “you” type of communication vs. “I.” You are right in asking, how is he supposed to learn about me if I don’t teach him? Yes…there is still teaching that needs to occur in a relationship for sure. The difference is, you want to teach him about YOU instead of teaching him about HIMSELF. It has a very different vibe to it.

Here is an example: In this statement, you are making statement that are defining who he is. Anytime you start a statement with “you are this or that…” that’s a pretty common way to activate someone’s defenses as well as communicating to him that you know him better than he even knows himself.

“I don’t know if it’s because you are hurt, angry, afraid I’m going to rake you over the coals, or something else entirely, but you have a pattern of not taking responsibility for inconsiderate and hurtful things that you do. You have a pattern of getting defensive and turning it back on me. Maybe you truly just don’t see it.”

So another way to say the same exact thing that might open him up a bit more and feel less attacked, would be:

“I am wondering something about you and I need your help teaching me about what is happening inside of you. I am picking up on a pattern where when I tell you something that you have done that has been hurtful for me, it feels like you get defensive. Am I saying it in a way that makes you feel defensive, or maybe it’s just really hard for you to learn that I am feeling hurt by something you said or did. I know I get defensive sometimes when I find out I’ve hurt someone. I want to understand you better and want you to teach me about what is going on inside of you. I want to be able to express my hurt feelings in a way that maybe can activate your empathy and your heart vs. activating your need to defend yourself.”

See the difference? HE teaches you about himself vs. you teaching him about himself. This is even where your wonderful ability and love of diving deep can come in handy. Many times as I am taking someone deeper in themselves, I know the answers about themselves before they do…HOWEVER, I don’t know the details of why those are the answers. So that’s where my line of questioning and curiosity comes in. You can ask him questions about things you see and slowly take him deeper and deeper and let him uncover the details as to the “why” behind his reactions. You would be a great guide for him in that way. Men have a trickier time navigating those areas of the heart, which is where woman can be instrumental in creating change and growth for them. Many times, as you ask him the questions that connect him to his deeper self, he might start doing it himself because he is learning the kinds of questions to ask himself.

In regards to comparing you to my college boyfriend, I didn’t at all mean to compare the actual amount of fighting and discord to your situation. I was more comparing myself to you and the comfortableness with the “push/pull” dynamic in the relationship. I see now, that it did not come across that way, so I definitely could have said that better.

In regards to your friend who tore you apart for your choice because he would rather have you for himself….ha! he sure pulled out every possible angle to get you to “grow up” so to speak and find a REAL man! He sure is hurting. Most of what he said has grains of truth in it, but true or not, this younger guy is part of your journey and that is your choice….and you are the type of person that takes every advantage of growth no matter the situation you are in….so in essence, your “friend” is not trusting you to handle your process as you see fit. He too was telling you how you are vs. being curious about the deeper things that were driving you towards taking this path with a younger gent….he is not seeing you for who you really are….of course because he wants you and doesn’t want to be your friend.

So back to your question…let him guide you to inner self. When he hurts you, you teach him about YOU vs. telling him what he is doing wrong. So again, the statement “When you do this…..it causes me to feel like this.” That is a teaching statement about YOUR reaction to a choice he is making.

Hopefully this makes more sense. Does this help???

Heidi

[Heidi G]

HI Joseline,

I know how confusing this is. There is a point when closure is really needed and it’s time to get off the rollercoaster. It sounds like you are at that point.

He is just very split right and now and it probably has mostly to do with him….and not you. His deciding to leave has nothing to do with him not loving you. It’s why he is still connecting, because he also is having a hard time letting you go. So 1 side of him really loves you and connects with you and wants you in his life and the other side is afraid of something. Who knows what exactly that is, but it doesn’t really matter. Both side battle to be in the driver’s seat. Side 1 was in the driver’s seat for 5 months….now side 2 took over and broke up…but side 1 is still connecting with you and side 1 is still trying to fight, on some level, to keep you in his life. Side 1 is who wants you to promise to meet with him when he is ready. Side 2 however, is still in control as he still not choosing to come back.

It’s madness being on the other end of this!!! It’s confusing and you don’t really know what to believe. I tell people to believe ALL of it, because all of it is true for the person. Fear and love can exist in the same exact space. Love and hate can exist in the same space.

I think it’s a wise decision for you to choose to disconnect for now and let yourself have a break. The rollercoaster is so painful and as long as you are on it, it’s just going to keep hurting. Getting off the rollercoaster would be the most kind and loving thing you can do for yourself. It’s one of the hardest decisions EVER and hurts so badly however, you will be on the path towards healing. As long as you are on the rollercoaster, there is no way of healing completely.

So this is what I suggest: You can send him a message and say something like this:

“I love you. It hurts so bad to love you right now because it is a love that, for right now, that does not have the space to grow and expand and be fed. I am ready to accept that now. I have no doubt that you love me in return. I know that you deeply care. I also know that you are making this decision for yourself and that, for whatever reason, is something you must go through without me and I will honor that. This means that I need to disconnect completely and go take care of myself and let my heart heal. This means that I need you to no longer contact me. Please care for me enough to let me heal and let you go. Who knows what the future will hold, but that doesn’t really matter right now. What matters is that I start to come to terms that my life is without you now and it’s time for me to move on. I truly wish for you to work through everything you need right now and get everything you are searching for. It was a wonderful adventure with you and I will always be grateful. Take care.”

How does something like that make you feel??

I am so sorry joseline. It’s going to be a tough season for a bit. time will heal. It’s very important right now, that you really love and care for yourself. It’s really important that you see friends, go do fun activities, really nourish your soul as you heal.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Joseline,

I want to REALLY encourage you to not take that route…at least not yet. You are angry and hurt and you want to FORCE your way into seeing him. You are breaking a boundary of his and this most likely will cause his walls to go waaaaaay up. You don’t need to see him to have closure. I know it feels that way, but it’s just simply not true. Many people are able to have closure and heal without needing to see the person. Sometimes a parent dies without the kid being able to have closure, or sometimes someone just moves away and the people left behind don’t have closure face to face, so they have to figure out a way to heal all on their own.

I want to really encourage you to think about the kind of response you want from. You want him open and able to hear you, yes? Do you really think that is the kind of response you get by catching him off guard, in his space, without having invited you over???? I know if someone did that to me, there is no possible way we would have a conversation when they just crossed a clear boundary I created. It’s disrespectful and all that person is thinking about is themselves and not me as well.

So I encourage you to take a breath. DO NOT GO OVER there tomorrow and lets work on a better way to approach this. You have time! There is no rush here. If you go over tomorrow, you will be full of steam and anger and not thinking clearly. Your emotions will be running wild and all that is likely to happen is you vomiting all your hurt feelings onto him.

At the very least, if you decide to go tomorrow regardless, then I suggest you go with a calm mind, calm spirit and be kind and respectful towards him. That is your best bet! No fighting, no yelling, just talking….if he lets you in. If he doesn’t let you in, then be respectful and leave without being mean or hurtful towards him.

If you somehow find the strength to NOT go, let’s talk about this more! Let’s talk about a different way to get your needs met that doesn’t cross any boundaries. Let’s talk about ways you can create closure for yourself.

What do you think?

Heidi

• This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Heidi G.

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