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Hi Brenda!
So good to hear from you!
First of all, you are NOT stupid! I know how you feel though. I have thought that many times about my choices as well, but in the moment, you were getting many of your needs met and it feels so amazing and takes us easily into fantasy land. SOOOOOOO many women do that!!! So you are actually quite normal. Men just operate differently…thank goodness!
Again, your emotions are all over the place because you came to this earth feeling deeply. It is part of your essence….and that means that when you feel something, it most likely is much more intense than other people. Who knows….you may even be an empath. I just don’t want you to think nor believe that those “all over the place” emotions is a bad thing. I know you are heading to the doctor and my guess is, they may want to prescribe some meds. I would suggest to ALSO go see a therapist or someone who knows how to teach you a skillset of how to handle all those emotion and work towards healing. I would be sad if you were to start taking meds and that’s where you stopped. It would be extremely beneficial to have a professionals voice to give you good perspective and help you heal.
Will you keep us updated as to what the doctor recommended?
Heidi
I want to add one more thing…
Yes his pattern is changing. Maybe he is getting back together with his ex…who knows. With that being said, I personally would also have my caution flags up. You are not overthinking…you are noticing a change in his pattern, so until you have the full understanding of why that has changed, stay alert and cautious. No need to talk to him about it just yet…just watch and observe and look for signs of anything else. There may be appoint in which you have that discussion, but not quite yet. Just watch and observe and keep gathering more information.
Maybe ask him more questions about how is work is going….or has everything resolved with his ex since he left on that trip…or how he is doing with his kids….
Those types of questions can give you more insight into what is happening on his inner world.
Heidi
Hi Cristina!
Wow…you really fell for this guy. So I’m curious…him having children does not matter anymore to you?
I want to re-inforce what Kanya is saying. Slow this down. It’s been a month and you are wanting him to commit to you. The beginning of a relationship is ALWAYS an up and down, very unstable process. Feelings ebb and flow like crazy! You guys need more time to stabilize and find what is normal for both of you. Texting and communicating as much as you were is A LOT. No one can keep that up…well women like to, but I have yet to find a healthy gentleman who responds that much and that quickly. He may be backing off because he is going through a lot with his ex and with his work. Who knows! For now, I would encourage you to take it easy if you don’t want to scare him away.
You have activated his hero instinct already, so I suggest to now activate his need to chase. Maybe it’s time you pull back the reigns a bit. Text less, use less “babe” and endearing terms and make him work for your attention a bit. If you are so easily available and responsive, he may lose interest. Especially in the beginning, it’s important to activate this side to a man. Make him feel like he has to earn you. Right now, you are so concerned about keeping his attention that you are forgetting he needs to EARN your attention. Are you so easily willing to give your heart to a guy that you barely know?? He needs to prove to you that he can hold your heart with care, with consistency, with commitment, with interest. You guys are not at that place yet.
For now, I suggest to pull back the reigns of your heart and make him work for it! You are worth the fight….now you need to teach him that!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Giselle,
You have made a decision! As much as it hurts, how do you feel? Do you feel a bit more peaceful and resolved?
Yes, I would suggest to communicate your choice with him. You can say something like this:
“Hey…I have made a decision. It is not healthy for me to fall for a guy who is not interested in taking that journey with me. I need some space and time to heal and close my heart off to that idea. I’m not angry with you…I am hurt, but that hurt is for me to deal with on my own. While I am hurting and healing, I just cannot be friends with you at the same time. When I have reached a place of healing and can honestly offer you a true and honest friendship, I’m sure we can be friends again and start fresh! You are such a wonderful person and I love how I got to feel when we were together. At the very least, my standards have been raised now. You taught me what was possible and I will always appreciate that. I truly wish you the best with your lady. For now, I kindly request for you to let go of me as well….of our friendship. If and when I feel good about being friends again, I promise I will reach out and we can go from there! Take care.”
How does that make you feel?
If he is not able to honor your request and keeps contacting you….you can always block him so you don’t receive the messages anymore. As long as you keep getting messages, you will not be able to move on. He will still be a part of your daily life and that is something that needs to change. You need to feel your life, your day without his energy in it now. My heart goes out to you. I know how hard this is. You can do it!
Heidi
Hi Naomi!
You are going through quite a bit right now. I just have a few questions.
1. You are married, yet you are here asking how to get this other man’s attention and wanting to “start over” with him. YOU are not available to have a relationship with him, so what exactly is your plan? If you did get this guy’s attention, are you saying you would get a divorce?
2. You must not be very happy with your husband or something is missing maybe that is inspiring you to want to look elsewhere maybe? What is stopping you from either improving your marriage or deciding to end it?
3. I will be very blunt here. My educated case from the information you have provided, this guy you are chasing is not that into you. It sounds like he may enjoy the sex, but he is disappearing and becoming non responsive when you are telling him that you love him and want to be with him. He most likely is not taking you seriously as you are married. It may even be why he felt safe to have sex with you….he didn’t have to worry about you wanting a commitment from him since you are already married, but I’m guessing he is learning quickly that you fell hard and fast for him and that is not what he wants.
Your concern of whether or not you can get this guy’s attention or not is not the biggest issue here. What you need to face inside yourself is that you breaking your word….and with a guy who is not even interested in getting to know you and only really interested in having sex….So if you really want to feel better, I want to encourage you to face whatever it is that you are running from. What are you afraid of? What are you avoiding? What are you needing from this guy that you are not able to get from yourself or your husband? If you face those answers and start to work with yourself (i recommend a coach or therapist or someone who can help you be objective and hold you accountable to your growth), you will feel soooo much better! You will be creating ways to get your needs met that are in integrity and that are healthy for you. Even if you never get caught, the cost of holding in secrets…the cost of breaking your word…it very slowly wears you down. It’s toxic and maybe it won’t be until 15 more years, but you start to lose parts of yourself….holding in secrets and breaking your word can be like a cancer to the soul. It slowly breaks you down…only little bits at time that you don’t even notice….but then one day, you may have a wake up call and look back and realize how much of yourself you have lost because of your choice. You still get to make this choice of course. We all have knowingly made choices that were not in our integrity and we end up paying the price for that. So if you still are going to move forward with this, I want to encourage you to still look at those questions and work towards finding healthier ways to get your needs met. And finally, this guy you are cheating with…I suggest you run in the other direction. I know you feel like you love him…but that love you feel is so limited and he sure as heck is not showing any sign, whatsoever, that he is interested in going down that path with you.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this! Please keep us updated!!!
Heidi
Hi Letty!
I’m wondering if he has responded yet to your apology that you recently sent.
I wouldn’t categorize his response as being a “male” thing….it’s a human thing. I know women who do the same exact thing. And yes…he is over-reacting for sure. Whenever someone has THAT BIG of a reaction, there is something underlying, deep and intense that is fueling the fire…and you just happen to be the current target. The anger, hurt and resentment towards you doesn’t belong on you, but instead on whatever the core trauma / hurt is. He may or may not be aware of what the core issue is. Do you have any idea?
There is not much you can do when someone is in that much anger and in revenge mode. It sounds like you have really tried, but there is point at which you have to start to protect yourself from continually feeling that rejection and anger coming at you. Has he ever behaved like this before? Is there anything else in his life recently that has also hurt him that you are aware of? You’ve been married for so long, I imagine this pattern has shown up before, even if it was less intense. Does he have the pattern of not forgiving easily? Does he tend to hold onto grudges?
You can stop the cycle, but you have to be willing to disconnect. You can set a boundary. You can say something like, “I have tried everything I know how to make this better between you and I. I don’t know what else to do….I need your help. I need you to tell me what you need from me to help you heal from the hurt I caused. If you are not willing to talk through this with me, you of course have that right. It also means that I am going to disconnect and stop working towards a resolution. The ball is in your court now. I want us to heal, but for that to happen, you have to want that as well. Until you do, I am going to take care of myself and hope that sooner than later, you find that part of yourself that is willing to forgive. You will no longer hear from me, but I will be waiting to hear from you. I love you.”
In the meantime, being that he is really hurting you, it’s important that you start to work on forgiving him for this choice he is making to hurt you. When you do connect, you want to make sure you don’t have any feelings for resentment and anger towards him. Not that you can’t talk about it, but you want to be as clear as possible from those toxic emotions that cloud conversations.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Giselle,
What a confusing trip! All kinds of mixed messages and not a whole of healthy communication! He was sending all kinds of mixed signals (especially now that he is with another woman). This is hard and I understand your confusion about what you want to do.
Maybe if I offer the 2 choices in a very blunt way, it can create clarity for you.
1. Stay friends: if this is your choice, you are going to keep hurting, because he isn’t choosing you…he is choosing someone else. If you were take some time apart and allow yourself to heal, you could come back and just be friends if you wanted. But reality is, you want him and have very strong feelings for him, so staying friends is only going to keep hurting.
2. Disconnect: if you choose this path, you will be able to heal and create some closure and peace in your life. You won’t be dealing with confusion and rejection, because there won’t be any. You will just have 1 thing to focus on and although it hurts, letting him go means there is freedom on the other end of healing. And then you become available for someone who fights for you and can’t imagine his day going by without connecting with you.
Either path, there is pain. It just depends on what type of pain you want to deal with. It’s important to stay connected to what is happening NOW vs. what could happen. For today, he has made his choice. The reasons don’t really matter. Whether you were not a good enough chase or made him uncomfortable, he has his own issues as well and that is clearly evident. The point being, the mixture of BOTH of you, for right now, is not something that supports ease, flow and a growing relationship. It’s nobody’s fault….it just is how it is playing out for now. So you need to make a decision from that space. Take what he has told you and learn from it so you can become a better, more effective partner for someone and you keep learning and growing so that whether he comes back around or someone else comes along, you are stronger, more equipped, have better skills and more self esteem to be a better partner.
This is an incredibly hard decision. If you wait around, hoping he will change his mind, that is totally your choice of which you can change anytime you want. If you disconnect and start to heal, you can change your mind about that as well. You are not stuck either way, but what you DO need to do is make a decision and live with that decision for a bit….your spirit needs some type of direction and closure by making a choice.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
I am so sorry! That is completely confusing to have a man care and send all kinds of signals that he really is connected to you, then not. It’s hard…and now you are seeing him respond to another woman.
Have you ever had a conversation with him DIRECTLY about this? I am wondering why you are holding on to a guy that is inconsistent….has he given you hope or are you hoping he will change? Does he know you are hurting? Do you have any idea as to why he won’t commit or communicate with you? Does he have a pattern of this in his life or has he committed before?
Heidi
Oops…pressed send too soon…
I am also wondering how you feel about having an affair? How does it make you feel to be investing in a guy who is not available for you? Is this a pattern of yours or is this the first time?
Hi Nathalie!
Just a few questions….your “new” guy is married, so what does that mean exactly about you? Are you having an affair with him? You are asking if you can win him over, but I’m not sure what that means to you…are you wanting him to get a divorce? Out of curiosity, is this the first time he is having an affair? Is he unhappy?
Heidi
Hi Rannveig!
You are going through a lot and I’m so sorry. When a guy comes along and is able to put a wonderful smile on your face and make you feel things that are amazing….he becomes your entire world! I get why you want him back so badly….the biggest gift he has given you is to let you know what is possible! He has shown you that you have all that you need inside of yourself to feel that way! If you believe that he (or any other person for that matter) is the way to happiness, then you will be miserable for a long time. When YOU are the source of your happiness, life is soooo much easier….because reality is, even the love of your life will hurt you because he is human. What would happen if he was your source of happiness in life, then he hurt you by disappointing you or saying something mean or something??? You would fall apart…because he was your source….if YOU are your own source, when struggles show up, you can handle them….you won’t fall apart!
Your source is gone for now…he is no longer in relationship with you…so you have a choice right now. You can keep hoping he will come back and stay in your misery…or you fight like crazy to start finding and connecting to that wonderful, beautiful part of yourself that carries your joy, your smile, your laughter. It sounds like you have been on that path…even you being here on this forum is you reaching out for help! Good job! Keep going! You keep fighting for yourself and your happiness until you find it…because once you find that part of yourself, you will feel stronger than you have ever felt before! And it’s ALL YOUR OWN! You will own your own happiness vs. borrowing it from someone else.You tube has a TON of videos…I love watching Brene Brown, Dr. Joe Dispenza (HUGE meditation teacher and teaching how to manifest the life you want), Tony Robbins, Oprah Winfrey, Marianne Williamson….watch 10 videos a day if you have. What can help a lot is hearing someone else’s voice instead of your own. Your voice is sooooo strong and the low self esteem is consuming. So get some positive voices in your head as well to help combat the darker side of yourself. Watch movies where someone breaks up and recovers…”Under the Tuscan Sun” or “The Holiday” or watch movies where someone is overcoming the worst…”Men of Honor” or “G.I. Jane”….turn on some music and dance your feelings. If you are feeling depressed, find a song that makes you feel depressed and dance to it! Don’t just dance for your own depression but for all the depression that exists in that moment! Take a dozen eggs and draw a picture of anyone who has hurt you…then hang it up somewhere and throw your eggs at it. The idea is….TRANSFORM your emotions. As long as they stay stuck and not moving, there is not growth or change. DOING something with those emotions creates movement and that is a skill you will need for the rest of your life. Now is the time to learn them!!! This is the perfect time for you to figure out how develop your ability to be resilient, because you will be hurt many more times in your life. I’d hate to see you lose yourself each time that happens! I’d love for you to know that you can handle anything that comes your way because you developed the skills to deal with disappointment, abandonment, heartbreak etc.
What do you think?
Heidi
Holy smokes Trista! What a confusing situation you are in!
I just have a few questions….let’s forget about the marriage thing, because that doesn’t even matter. You can be together forever and never get married and it can be totally workable! I’ve seen people do it and it’s great!
I’m just confused about the sex thing. So…if he has kissed you and does so occasionally….what leads up to that? Is there chemistry that starts to build or something and then he kisses you? Does HE initiate it? When you guys kiss, do you feel that chemistry from him as well? Does he want to keep kissing you? Sorry to ask this…but does he have any reaction below the belt that lets you know he is turned on??
My very first thought is….i wonder if he doesn’t work very well anymore. Maybe he has erectile dysfunction of some sort??? Maybe whatever the terminal illness was messed with his body in that way. How often does kissing happen? You said you have had direct conversations about this before and he says he is not attracted to you since the baby. Have you asked him what changed?? My second thought is that maybe he has an issue with “moms.” If he does, he probably doesn’t have any awareness of it….it’s probably buried very deep. Can you see any connection between wounds he might have and any sexual issues?
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
Great to hear from you. You know what you feel comfortable with and it’s good that you are honoring that. Each situation is so different and constantly changing and that’s where you can adapt to how you approach the situation.
Of course you are afraid of rejection! We all are…and that’s okay. When you are ready to face your fears, you will. Until then, keep working towards finding yourself again. It makes me sad that whatever has happened over the past few years has stolen away your sunny, laughing self. Find her again! Do not let whatever has happened, have that much power! Keep fighting for your sunshine to return and don’t stop until it does. Do whatever it takes to get back to that beautiful side of yourself!!! That is your nature, your essence, your right to experience life through those sunshine eyes and not the wounded eyes of life!!!
Keep us updated!
Heidi
Stefanie!
What a GORGEOUS writer you are!!! Do you like to write??? Do you do blogs or anything??? Maybe consider that if you haven’t before. Reading what you wrote was beautiful and said in such a unique way….like a lot of the novelists out there.
Anways…back to the subject at hand….you are clear…and that is what matters. Most of the time, I am just spending all of my energy connecting people to the truth and reality of the situation and trying to break them away from the dream and fantasy they have created and holding onto for dear life. Again…you are a lot like me….so many times I knew EXACTLY what I was walking into…knowing I would hurt AND knowing that hurt would inspire healing…as I am that type where I will risk the hurt for other greater outcomes. I HAD an incredibly high pain tolerance and so many times, the feelings I had for a guy far outweighed any hurt I knew I would end up facing on the journey…the younger guy I told you about was exactly that actually. He was the BEST thing that ever happened in my life…the best relationship I have ever had! I knew, from day one, that it would never last…our connection was way too strong to be able to resist though. I got to feel parts of myself that were amazing and beautiful and I got to experience the most amazing relationship….the kind of quality that I had only imagined before I met him. On the same token though….I hurt more than I had ever hurt in a breakup….our breakup was so peaceful and nothing horrible…just a simple understanding that it was just that time that both him and I knew we would have to face. I knew I would end up hurting when we separated, but I had no idea it would hurt that bad. I couldn’t eat for 2 weeks! I sank to a level of depression that I had never felt before. What a season! Still to this very day….8 or 9 years later, I can think of him and instantly get butterflies and a huge smile on my face. I guess I’m telling you all of that to let you know that I understand your choice.
I want to add another thought that I have a feeling you may end up experimenting with at some point….there is an INCREDIBLE amount of growth that can be equally powerful when the source is peace and happiness and not pain. Yes…pain inspires growth….but something I didn’t really realize until much later in my life…is how much I believed I could only get the level of growth I wanted when the source was pain. I was fascinated when I notice how extremely uncomfortable and challenging it was when I started reaching new levels of happiness. Sabotage galore!!! hahaha! Interestingly enough, I found it to be just as difficult, if not even more challenging to grow from happiness than from it’s opposite…pain.
I just wanted to throw that out there for you to think about….just to plant a seed so that one day you might be able to recognize it, should it show up for you…which is probable considering your mindset and your desire for growth and healing. What a strong woman you are!
Heidi
Hi Stefanie!
Man…you remind me a lot of myself…especially in my younger years. I too had an incredibly wonderful, intense love for a man 10 years younger and that really caused me to have a lot of split energy. We were incredibly well matched, however the age difference did show up sometimes and was difficult mostly for me…not really him. But I understand the difficulty.
Listen….I know this is sooooo much easier said than done…this is another aspect where you and I are very similar. You are spending an incredible amount of time analyzing and breaking apart every piece of this situation and this guy. People like us have different reasons why we do that. It’s actually an incredibly wonderful skill, is part of our personality and a talent / gift in my opinion. On the other side of it though, we can end up thinking and analyzing soooo much that we end up missing how simple it really is. As I really dug deep into myself and healed more and more of my woundedness, I analyzed less and less. I know for me, it was how I survived my life. I learned at a very young age that if I could analyze the situation, I could have some type of influence over it. Then as I got older, it was all about controlling the situation so I didn’t get hurt. As I worked on healing my past, my present need to analyze changed. Not that I am perfect at it, but generally speaking, I analyze when it’s appropriate. Many times, I just take the situation for what it is and let it be, because I don’t have a need to control being hurt or not. Just something for you to think about. I just want to invite you to take a journey inside yourself and look at that part of you that is analyzing so much that it brings a lot of heaviness to this relationship, especially being so new.
So let me simplify this for you a little bit. You are a very smart woman, so what would you say to your girlfriend in this scenario?
1. He is across the country
2. 10 years younger
3. In the military for 6.5 more years and doesn’t have the freedom to come and go, taking trips to see her and get to know her life and vise versa.
4. It’s a new relationship and he isn’t really investing very much in the way of helping the relationship grow or work.
5. There has already been a lot of arguing and awkwardnessLet’s just stick with those things that you have shared with us. If you look at just those simple things, what advise would you give your friend? I know the old me would have looked at all of that and started down my path of asking “why” about every little thing so I could understand myself, him and the situation etc. Now….if I look at those facts, I would just feel, “this is way too much work for what I want in my life. It’s time to disconnect and let go.” And that’s it. Simple. It doesn’t FEEL simple, but it really is that simple. That’s me though and the phase I am in. You have to make that decision for yourself.
Maybe you can start with this:
1. Make a non-negotiable list. This is a list of characteristics that you MUST have in a man and in the relationship in order for it to work for you. YOU CANNOT SURIVIVE in the relationship without these foundational qualities!!! That’s why it is non-negotiable. For example, I cannot do without romance. If a guy is not romantic, it will NOT work for me. That is a top priority for me, so that is on my list. Here are a few other things on my list: high emotional intelligence, physically active, respected and loved by everyone he is surrounded by….so make your list.
2. Then look at that list and see if your guy is able to offer everything on that list. If there is even 1 aspect that he is does not match, then he is not someone that can have longevity for you. Now with that being said, it doesn’t mean you have to pay attention to that. It all depends on what YOU want. I am in a place of wanting to fall madly in love with someone and take that journey, so EVERY SINGLE ITEM on my list is imperative. 10 years ago, I was still just dating and experimenting, so I didn’t adhere to my list as much.
3. DO NOT get caught up in the thought, “maybe he can change. Maybe he will grow into being a romantic guy.” I’ve done that before. It’s a dangerous thought because all you are doing is imagining his potential and not really seeing and accepting him for who he really is IN THIS MOMENT….and that is so important.
I’ve said a lot and there is a ton more to say, but I’ll leave it at that. Just some stuff to think about. I have no clue if I am spot on or way off for you, but I trust you will share with me your thoughts and help guide me to a clearer picture of how you are feeling! I seriously love and truly appreciate all of your thoughts. Reading everything just made me smile as I saw my own brain!!!
Heidi
