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Hi Cristina!
Well done with your communication and your letting him know how you felt! I know that was not easy! And he did give a pretty great apology. I get why you would doubt him. It was disrespectful what he did. I’m glad he validated and recognized that!
Have you guys talked about the “status” of your relationship? If you are just getting to know each other still, then him connecting with other women is normal…unfortunately it is going to bring up a lot of your fears and I get that. Maybe it’s good time to really look at those and face them! If not now, then when? It’s great timing! Your fears will never go away unless you deal with them. They will ALWAYS get in the way, one way or the other. I understand that you don’t want to feel insecure, but it you want to grow and feel more solid in yourself and have less fear, this is a great path you are on!
For now, it’s great that you have your flags up! I’m not so sure it’s time to jet yet, but that is really up to you It takes time to build trust and safety with each other. He introduced you to his kids which is a pretty big gesture! Keep giving him time to build with you. Even if he is on a date or connecting with other ladies, it sounds like he is building trust with YOU. So for now….as you keep gathering information, work on facing your insecurities. It will help you be more peaceful about the pace you and him are on. He may have a hard time committing right now, but as long as you are honest and confront him in the way that you did, I think it will help bring you 2 closer together. I still recommend to keep watching him though. The flags should still be up at this point, but you don’t have enough information to disconnect yet. So gather more info to help you know which way feels best for you.
And btw….make sure you appreciate him for his really nice apology and response. You can say something like, “It was really uncomfortable for me to be honest about how I felt. It’s scary because I don’t know you well enough to know how you would react. I am impressed. It actually helped me feel more SAFE (Key word!) with you….like it’s okay to be honest and you can handle that. So thank you for validating me.” Saying something to that extent will not only set you apart from the other ladies, but also put some serious dollars in his “soul” bank!
Does all this help or at least give you some ideas?
Heidi
Hi Elizabeth!
What a crazy and interesting story!!! Wow!
It sounds like it could definitely be savable. he just sounds overwhelmed. It doesn’t sound like there is any lack of attraction or difficult issues between the two of you…it’s just long distance and that is so hard! He is trying to finish up school and that is a HUGE deal, as I’m sure you are aware. Are you willing to do the friendship kind of thing for 8 or 9 months? You can keep flirting, sending sexy pics etc, but it’s not different than someone leaving to go overseas. Couples have to do without each other for months, or even years….how do they make it work?
What if you say something like this, “Listen…you are under a lot of pressure. You have 8 months to go and you need to focus. You and I are good together. I don’t want to feel my life without you in it. You are worth supporting and working through this with. You add so much value to my life and I want to add more to yours. So how about instead of cutting this off completely, we just take a break for 8 months. What if we just focused on becoming better friends and getting to know each other more, but no more visits. Maybe we just talk once or twice a week? I don’t know. I don’t want to lose you because you feel pressured. I’m okay and can handle not being able to see you. I can support you and take a back seat for awhile while you accomplish this. Is there any scenario in which you can feel comfortable and not pressured…with me still in your life?”
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Kjersti,
It sounds like there is still some hope….you guys are staying connected and treating each other with respect, so that is a good sign!
Do you have any clues as to his current situation and why he might be pulling back after having sex with you? Are you still being intimate?
I am so sorry that you had to deal with losing your husband. That is an extremely difficult situation and trying to get back out there is so hard to do. I commend you for risking and taking new steps in your life. It’s gonna be a bit tricky for awhile. The dating world has changed quite a bit the past 10 years or so.
If you could share more details, that would be great! Are you wanting to be serious with him? How long have you known him? How did you meet?
Heidi
Hi Sharon!
The answer to that is that it all depends on how he interacts with them. I am a FIRM believe that men and women can be friends, but only up to a certain point. There is a line, that once they cross it, they are heading into different territory. I know this very well as I was that girl who had a TON of guy friends. I grew up with boys, had 5 boys as my neighbors growing up….I was that girl who was “one of the guys” so I understand the dynamics very well.
If he has a lot of female friends, I am wondering if he ever dated any of them. If he is just being casual with them and not having deep, intimate conversations with them…then of course! That can work out just fine.
The main question here is….if you are the jealous type, it just might be too much for you to handle….and you need to honor that about yourself. If you are the jealous type and you pick a guy who is constantly surrounded by the ladies…that’s like being afraid of heights and forcing yourself to climb up to the top of the Eiffel tower and look down! It’s a lot for the psyche to handle and may be too much all at once. Be kind to yourself and really honor what works for you.
I think the answer you gave was great! You didn’t know if you would be okay with it. You can either disconnect now because you know yourself well enough that it just might be too much for you….OR….you can keep spending time with him and just observe, gather information, meet some of his friends and watch how they interact and just build trust….or not. You might just need to gather more information about him and these ladies first before really deciding.
How does that approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Stefanie!
It sounds like you are comfortable in your decision and are being very present with the situation. Well done! You have made a choice and not matter what happens, your choice is to grow from it. Super good job!
I would like to make a suggestion about the text you listed above. From reading it, it has a flavor of condemnation, even though you said it was just an observation. If it were merely an observation, you would not be ending the sentence with you saying that you were considering “things.” I’m not sure what that meant and it could be out of context, but from that message alone, it doesn’t have a good feeling about it.
Might I suggest a different way to say it? The goal is to teach him what you need. People predominately get to know each other in 1 of 2 ways….1. asking questions 2. observing. People like us ask a ton of questions!!! I observe a lot as well, but questions is my instant go-to. Your guy might be more an observing guy…where he really just gets to know you from having experiences with you. And being that this is a long distance relationship, he may not have the best skillset or inclination or much of a know how on asking questions. So teach him and inspire him in little, simple ways. Why not ask him this question and see what he says about himself?
So another way you could have said your feelings is this, “you know…I’m curious about something. You have never really asked me about my ambitions and goals in life and that’s a pretty standard thing to ask someone you are trying to get to know. I don’t think at all that it is a lack of curiosity on your part. I am actually wondering how you instinctually like to get to know someone new. If you were in person and met a girl, do you tend to ask a lot of questions or do you like to just observe and trust that information about her will be revealed in time when it’s supposed to?”
It’s funny talking about this because just last week I went to a basketball game with a friend who I hadn’t seen in awhile. I knew I always felt kind of empty every time we parted ways from a social thing we did together. But this time, I REALLY observed. Not once did she ask me a single question. I asked her all kinds of questions! I then experimented and just talked about myself without her asking me a question. She listened pretty well and seemed interested, but I noticed the pattern that she was interested only a little…and found ways to take what I was saying about myself and identifying with it…and before I knew it…we were back talking about her again. hahahaha! Not to say that is happening with you….my point is just that people truly get to know each other in different ways….the only ways she will ever know who I am, is if I talk about my life without her inquiring.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Crystal,
Confusing right??? The beginning of relationships is sooooo tricky and can be really fragile! Give him some space. The hero instinct worked great and that is a good sign. You are also thanking him quite a bit and making yourself extremely available and making a lot of effort to connect. This can be overwhelming for a guy who is so stoic and emotionally not very available.
That is something that I want you to really pay attention to about him. It is VERY unlikely for a person to live in the stoic, non emotional side of themselves for 8-10 hours a day and then all of a sudden turn it off and be connective and soft. Emotions of those extremes do not work like a light switch…ESPECIALLY for a man. So I just want you to be aware of what you are getting into. He deserves to be accepted just as he is. If you have ANY thoughts like, “Maybe he will change”….anything of that nature….STOP!! Either disconnect or really really accept him for who he is. If you keep trying to pull things from him, pull more communication, or more affection, or more feeling from him…it can cause him to shut down even more. With someone like that, you will probably get more out of him the less you try to get something emotional from him. Are you okay with that? From what it sounds like, the kind of person you are might need a man who is much more emotionally available. Just something to think about.
It’s time that he initiates with you. Give him space and let him chase you. Let him feel the absence of you and let him feel that feeling inside that he misses connecting with you. It should activate the hunter side of him. So make him work harder for you. Don’t forget….you are not the only one who needs to earn trust, respect and friendship….he has to earn that from you too!!!
And lastly, I want you to stay connected to yourself. You mentioned in the end “I know me and I could really screw this up.” I don’t know a person alive who doesn’t do that. It’s okay! We all do it in many forms and fashions. The reality is….it always takes 2 people to mess things up or make them right. So be more kind and compassionate towards yourself!
Lastly, is there any possibility that he is online or something? Did you guys have a monogamous relationship agreement? Do you have any inkling that he might still be dating?
Heidi
Hi!
Thank you for writing in and giving us some great detail.
There are a couple of things I want you to just think about.
1. Why did you break up? I know it’s because you want something more serious and head down that path. You know what you want and you I imagine you are pretty successful at getting that. I want you to think a little deeper though. But think about this concept first. Whenever we get hurt by someone else, it’s actually more OUR own issue vs. being the other person’s fault. I know it doesn’t feel that way, but let me explain a bit. If we were REALLY completely and truly connected to the truth that we are loveable, worth fighting for, valuable….just because and not for anything we have earned, done or been in life…then we wouldn’t really have the hurt feelings. It would be like me coming up to you and telling you that the sky is green….you know it’s blue and no matter how much I tell you it’s green…you know it’s blue and I can’t tell you otherwise. The hurt feelings is a way of our psyche letting us know where the holes are in our belief about ourselves. So he started to respond less and less, you started to feel more rejected and of course your natural reaction is to pull away and not deal with it. That definitely is one way to face this and not a bad way to approach this. Another way could be you dealing with your feelings of rejection on your own. Him becoming more distant exposed a “fault” line in your self esteem, so that makes it a great opportunity to discover that fault line, what’s in it and what’s the source of the hurt??? Taking that journey INSIDE could really help you find more patience, understanding and peace about the situation. I am guessing you made your decision out of feeling defensive and protective of your heart. You would rather reject him instead of him rejecting you. Whenever you make a decision out of lower vibrations, it’s not a clear choice. You want to make that type of decision because it feels RIGHT for you and you are coming from a space of forgiveness, peace and clarity.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t have made that choice….you may still come to the same conclusion, but I’d rather you take the journey inside and do some soul searching and find your triggers…work with them, forgive, heal and THEN make your decision.
As far as he goes…my guess is, he is terrified to get too close, he doesn’t feel worthy enough for you, maybe because you are much more successful financially than him and maybe there are some things he has not told you about himself yet. This is the first time you have been around him during this phase of training he went through….he really may have just needed to focus and that is the kind of guy he is…he may have been sabotaging…who knows….you haven’t seen this side to him before.
What he is being honest about is that he is not ready….so can you be okay with that? It doesn’t sound like he isn’t interested. It sounds like there just needs to be more time spent together and getting to know each other more. He is coming out of something totally heartbreaking AND he is from a different culture….do you understand the differences between your cultures really well? Anyways….would you be willing to let go of the idea of needing a commitment and a serious relationship at the moment. Maybe give it 6 more months and see what happens. He might be able to join you in that space by then. It’s a good thing to take things slow. Men tend to have a much slower time clock than us ladies and it’s important that we have patience. Support them, build an incredible friendship, appreciate what they ARE offering us, not what they aren’t and value the slowness of getting to know each other.
What do you think about all of this?
Heidi
Hi Candy!
What a wonderful fear you have! It’s great! Because it just means that you care and you are recognizing that you have something quite valuable and you don’t want to lose it!
Let me tell you something though…you ARE going to sabotage…and so will he. It happens in every single relationship, in one form or another. It happens when you are start to fall in love….and many times the sabotage is coming from such an unconscious place that the person doesn’t even know it’s happening!
So the first step is awareness…of which you have. You recognize that you could ruin this relationship….for fear of getting hurt. You are wondering about his pattern of pulling back then leaping forward and whether or not it’s because of you or him….who knows! It could be both….and it’s okay! It may be his way of sabotaging.
First thing I want you to start to pay attention to is your need to ask questions. I, like you, get accused of asking too many questions ALL THE TIME!!! haha! It’s a gift and curse…all at the same time. I am endlessly curious and constantly analyzing which is such a wonderful gift and ability I have, but like any of our best qualities, they are also our worst. So…it’s not something that will ever change about me and not something I want to change. I want to be in relationship with it more….and this is where you can start that process….start to look at the REASON for which you are asking your questions….it will be from 1 of 2 categories…1. you are asking because you are trying to gather information to help you control the situation better (i.e. so you don’t get hurt) or 2. you are curious.
When I was younger, I predominately asked questions from mostly #1 reason sprinkled with #2 reason. As I got older and really worked on a lot of my fears, the reasons naturally swapped places. I would ask the same exact questions because I was mostly curious, sprinkled with a little bit of a need to gather information. It was amazing how I felt! I felt like whether this guy chose me or not, or whether things worked out, I was going to be okay….and when you REALLY know that about yourself, there is a freedom to just enjoy what is right in front of you and ask any question you want because you are curious, not because you are afraid. Does this make sense?
I’m going to quickly touch on the subject of your fear of sabotaging….we need to continue this conversation, but I want you to think about things first for a bit and keep writing us back. If you know you are going to sabotage, you can pay attention to what EXACTLY you begin to do to sabotage. Once you recognize, you can immediately address it….address your fear. And many times what helps is even talking about it with your partner. It’s a great thing to say, “I love you and I want to move in with you….AND I am so scared. I am so scared I will sabotage the relationship, I am so scared you will really see me and change your mind about me, I am so scared I will disappoint you and I am scared I will keep asking all my questions and drive you nuts! I don’t need you to fix any of that for me. I don’t need you to tell me not to feel that way….I just need you to tell me that even when I sabotage, or ask too many questions, or learn things about me that bug you….that you are interested in working through those with me. That you are interested in being honest and kind with me as we travel this new path.”
Does that make sense? When you love and accept your limitations and work with the fears that driving those AND you have a partner that does the same, there is an acceptance of each other that happens very naturally and bonding can actually happen because of it.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Stefanie! I’m sorry it’s taken so long to get back to you. I just now saw your message. It got buried and I totally missed it! My apologies!
To answer your question about my last relationship…I knew it wouldn’t work out because of our age differences. He was still so young and needed to go grow up. He needed to make something of himself. I could tell, more and more, as time went on, although I was not his “mother” I was turning more and more into his teacher so to speak. He was so curious about life and I had so much more information than he did. When he decided to end it, it was because “He couldn’t tell the difference between what he thought himself and what I thought.” It was such a wise observation and one I was watching unfold the closer we became. Not a healthy dynamic…but kind of an inevitable one considering the different phases of life we were in.
I want to address the feelings you have about loss. It’s something to really pay attention to, as it feels like that might be more the driving force behind what you are designing with this guy. THE HARDEST THING is to decipher “why” we really like someone. It is a question I always ask myself and I do a lot of soul searching. What happens so many times is that the core reasons driving us to like someone, or even love them, comes from a place of fear and woundedness. Unfortunately, the core of our feelings, whether being from a healthy place or a wounded place….feels exactly the same. Maybe you have already looked at it this way, but if you haven’t, I want to encourage you to spend some time with the thought. You listed a lot of wonderful reasons why you like him / love him. Yet you are having some struggle….the struggle being that he is not initiating as much as you like and nor designing you into his life the way you really want. It’s possible that your fear of loss is in the driver seat of your decision to continue a relationship with a guy who isn’t really available for you…no matter how much fun or how well connected you two are together. Loss is so hard…especially the loss of important people. It is so strange to have a best friend one day then slowly grow apart to never know them again. It is so sad to love so deeply then move on and realize that love doesn’t always last….for 2 people to continue down looong journeys WITH each other….well it can be a rare thing for some people. I know, for me, I barely keep people in my life that come from my past. If I do talk to some, it’s just little bits of exchanges….far from the deep friendships that used to exist. I have know many other people who are still best friends with the people from high school…20+ years in the making….is that by design and choice or that personality? Probably a mixture of both….point being…loss happens and I would be sad to see you be so afraid it that it ends up running your life and keeping you in situations that are well past the expiration date (I am not referring to your current situation – just speaking in general terms). Whenever I am dealing with the fear of loss, what helps a lot is to finish the story. For example, “I am afraid that I will lose this amazing connection with this guy and he will just end up being another person in my life that has moved into the outer circle of acquaintances and maybe mot even matter to each other anymore….AND….I will be okay. I will love again, I will find a new friend again, I will find another man who can make me laugh and bring such joy into my life.” When fear shows up, people usually stop the story at the end of the fear and loop it again and again in their minds. So have the fear, but also make sure you end it with a statement of truth as well. It will help you program your mind to look at BOTH sides of the fear….yes, you are afraid AND you will be okay too. It helps reminds you that you are resilient and you have the ability to recover from loss, pain, hurt etc. So when you make a decision from THAT mindset, your decisions will be much more clear and not driven by fear…but instead a trust in yourself.
What needs to be addressed most is what is inside of you. You keep battling with being drawn to him but not receiving as much attention as you would like. Do you want to spend all of your energy constantly dealing with the “ups and downs?” It costs a lot…mostly because you are dealing with a lot of rejection. If you guys were still having this pattern 1 year, or 2 years from now, how does that make you feel? Good? Not so good?
You much do you want to work at trying to inspire a man to interact with you? How much effort do you want to put forth to get a man to have exchanges with you? I personally would not want to work THAT hard…yes…there are times that it’s necessary, but when it is how I spend my energy all of the time…waiting for him to respond, counting the days he hasn’t and constantly being aware of the connection or lack thereof….it’s just not how I would want to spend my energy. You are in a constant state of flux and uncertainty. You say that you guys probably wouldn’t last if it were too even….that might be something to look at as well? What’s wrong with even? Even means consistency…and with consistency and solidarity, trust is build, safety exists and those are CRUCIAL qualities if you are going to go deeper with someone. As long as the relationship is unpredictable and unstable and you are questioning how much you mean to him….you guys will always be limited.
However, with all of that being said, I understand there is a strong connection and you are not willing to let that go….and you want to make the time apart a healthier version than what it has been…so the only way to do that is within yourself….and that’s where if you really diver DEEP and look at your fear of loss and you work towards deep forgiveness, healing and finding safety inside of yourself….you might find some freedom that allows you to be separate and not connected with him AND be peaceful about it.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
Soooo great to hear from you!!! It sounds like you are re-connecting to yourself a bit more than before. What are you doing to help yourself feel happier and take care of yourself? I love hearing all the ideas people have!
It’s interesting that he is becoming more engaging. What do you think changed? Are you guys talking a lot more now? Do you feel he is responding to you romantically or just being nice?
This event sounds like so much fun! Do you get to dress up and feel beautiful for the event? I’m so glad he said yes! Will you get to see him before then?
Heidi
Hi Candy,
I’m a little confused. Do you think there is the possibility of him cheating on you over the weekends?
Of course you are scared. If you were not scared, you would not be human, or you are very blocked off from emotions. Who knows why he has a sudden change of heart.
Could it not be possible that you helped him handle some important business transactions, therefore earning some trust? Maybe he finally feels he has everything in order in the way he wanted and now is ready to move forward with you. Have you ever asked him directly?
It sounds like you guys have a great connection! Do you feel comfortable moving in with him? You both have never lived in the same space, so that’s a bit risky moving in together when you don’t know each other in that way. Would you maybe feel more comfortable if he got a place nearby? Maybe he can just sign a 3 to 6 month lease and just spend that time getting to know each other’s daily habits, friends etc. Trust needs to be built in that way as well. You already know you get along great, no it’s time to see how you both interact REALLY seeing each other every single day and developing a relationship from that perspective.
It’s a good question you have. Why all of a sudden a change of heart? Why doesn’t he talk with you on weekends? Only he knows the answers to that, so he might be the best person to ask about that.
Embrace your fear and have some compassion for questions. You SHOULD be questioning! ALWAYS!!! Never stop being curious or noticing changes in patterns or being curious about who he is. That is what will keep you awake and connected to the moment vs. thinking that everyday is the same.
I’m not sure if this helps….we would love your feedback.
Heidi
HI Mitzi,
I answered your post in the other category….if you could provide more details, it would help!
Thanks! Heidi
Hi Mitzi,
Would you be willing to offer more details? Is it okay for you to date your boss? Some companies do not allow something like that. Are you guys dating or just having sex? What is the extent of your relationship at this point? How long have you guys been hooking up now? Is he married or already in a relationship? Can you offer more details as to how his behavior is changing? He was connective for awhile and then started to become distant? Or has he been more standoffish since you guys hooked up?
Heidi
Hi Rannveig!
You can obviously do whatever you feel you need to do. I would encourage you not to send it though. Valentines day typically is meant for “couples” and it may be a good day for him the feel the absence of you. He will be thinking of you on this day. Not contacting him will give him the space to feel the full weight of his decision. AND….it’s important for you to honor his choice for right now. I know very well how extremely difficult it is to stay away from someone you feel so deeply connected with. It’s gravely important for you to follow through on your commitment. If you keep contacting him, it’s not aligning with the decision that has been made. Sending something like that (an inside joke and quite personal for the both of you) is not honoring the agreement.
You can always make it, and maybe a month down the road, after the 30 days of not talking, you can decide to give it to him….maybe you can give it to him as a departing gift.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. It’s terribly painful to heal from heartache. It’s really important for you right now to take care of yourself. Make sure you nurture yourself really well! Go hang out with puppies, go watch light, funny movies, go volunteer somewhere where you can help others….it will help heal your broken heart. He is going away for a long time which will help create some closure for your heart. He needs to go experience this new adventure of his without being attached to someone very far away. Like Kanya and James are saying…he needs to grow up on a different level. He needs to have freedom to experience and be whatever he needs to be without having someone to think about that is millions of miles away.
As painful as this is right now, you will heal. Give it some time. It’s only been a week. You will most likely feel very different in a month….where it’s easier to go through your day without the heartache.
Take really good care of yourself right now as you let him go.
Heidi
Hi Trista,
Okay…this makes sense…he probably (my best educated guess) does not ever want to fall in love or give his heart to another woman again. He doesn’t trust. He will want to love and bond, but not really. He will always have a wall up that will not allow him to go any deeper, because that is where he got hurt and he probably will not go there again….maybe at some point his therapist will challenge him to go there.
So you have a choice to make. He is who he is, so you need to either accept him for exactly what he is and keep improving in the little ways you can. It sounds like he is responding on some level. Small improvements can help build trust, but truth be told, if he never works on forgiving those ladies for those deep hurts, the odds of you getting all the way in with him are slim to none….but it’s not to say you can’t get close to that. He may give you enough to make you feel happy and that’s okay too. If you don’t want to put that much work in and if you are not okay only living with parts of him, then it may be time for you to create a different experience with someone else. Either way, accepting him for who he is, is what is most important. That acceptance means you stay and keep working on things or you go.
What are you thoughts??
Heidi
