[Heidi G]

Hi Joseline!

I know this is extremely hard. The fear you have about your reactions is stuff inside of yourself that is good for you to face. Truth is, you want him back so HE fixes your pain instead of YOU fixing your pain. That is not a healthy way to be in a relationship. The moment you depend on someone else to fix you, make you feel complete, happy or whole….the more you will be so hurt and let down when they act or make decisions that are not what you need. That’s love though. It is unpredictable, it hurts, it brings out the worst in people AND it is beautiful and wonderful and so amazingly powerful. Love activates BOTH sides. This is the time right now, to figure out how to be okay, find your center, find your value, find your worth WITHOUT him being your source. YOU need to be your own source….that’s when relationship and love is so much more healthy!

Here is a video by Will Smith that talks about that in a wonderful way:

Will Smith On Responsibility

Meet your new life coach – Will Smith.

Posted by A Plus on Saturday, February 3, 2018

Because you want him back soooo badly because you want to be out of pain and keep loving him, you will suffer greatly during this process and may even push him further away. What if you could find peace inside yourself on your own??? That way, your interactions with him will be so much more healthy, he won’t feel the pressure and you will be okay with supporting him with what he needs. If you are afraid of shutting off…then face that fear. FACE YOUR FEARS in this and you will find your own power to handle this situation with much less discomfort. That’s what you need to focus on the most right now….you! and learning to love yourself on your own without needing him to do it for you. It is the hardest path to take. It’s easy to get someone back and then feel better….problem is, the deep core issues never go away…they will show up and wreak havoc on your relationship in various different ways. This is a wonderful growing season for you!

While you are working on yourself, you can still stay connected with him. Again, focus on the friendship and FOCUS on what he IS giving you instead of what he isn’t giving you. Many ladies here would die just to have their guy keep in contact with him! So you have a lot more going for you than you think! You are talking daily and he is initiating quite a bit. Find your gratitude in that and appreciate that!!!

I would not text him. For right now, just keep responding to whatever you guys are talking about. Again, keep things light, easy, fun and be wonderfully responsive as he initiates. He NEEDS to feel in control of the pace of things.

Do you think you can do that???

I think Kanya’s suggestion was such a great idea. Keep yourself busy! Go have some fun! Go find out who you are SEPARATE than him. It is one of the healthiest things you could do for BOTH of you. It will make you a much better partner and he will be attracted to that!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

HI Stefanie!

I can understand the dynamic a little more now that you posted the conversation where he got angry with you. Your interaction was very much ego against ego and it was great to read! It’s actually quite the common way people argue. No one actually listens and all they end up doing is defending, so it’s this vicious cycle of hurt feelings. I want to invite you to think about something that is sooooo hard to do, yet extremely powerful. I have worked with this in myself quite a bit….The way you guys were arguing was with this spirit “my need to be right is more important than my need to connect with my partner.” If you shift it to, “My need to connect with my partner is more important than my need to be right,” you guys will argue with each other with so much more kindness and respect!!!

I know you said that was the only time blew up on you, but he sure said a lot that was very revealing with how he was experiencing you, which is so great! It helps you understand some of his deeper feelings.

I know you didn’t really ask for that advice and I have no doubt you have looked back at that conversation and had some thoughts about it. Not sure if what I suggested is different than what you already were aware of…

Whenever in conflict, I like to follow these guidelines for resolution.
1. Validate
2. Get curious and ask questions for deeper understanding of their feelings
3. Validate again
4. THEN problem solve

If you can follow those guidelines, many times the guy will follow your example and you will get your needs met as well and the fight instead is a discussion. Another guideline I like to follow is not to try to resolve something if my reaction is just so high that I don’t feel I will be a very good listener or problem solver. When someone gets triggered into those high emotions, your brain enters into the lower preceptory part of the brain which means that your higher functioning, problem solving skills are unavailable to you, as long as you are in that low vibration, high emotion state. So once I calm down and can activate my intelligent senses, I then approach the situation.

Just some thoughts! Thanks again for sharing!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Ha! I wish I had a horse too! Instead, I volunteer at a place with horses sometimes…lol. Second best thing… I am glad you have animals…my dog has been KEY in helping me keep that heart of mine active in the feeling love every single day…but you are already set in that department!

Make sure you respond 1 more time to this thread…If Kanya sees that I am the last one to answer, she most likely will not look and respond to ones that have not been responded to. So I won’t write again, so she will see that you need to be responded to.

Have a wonderful day!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

This is a totally random question…do you have a pet? a dog or a cat or horse or something?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Crystal,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I felt really bad that I couldn’t help you, but it’s also a good practice for me to feel that I can’t help everyone and learn to be okay with it. I don’t like it at all, but it’s a good dose of reality! lol! So again, I truly appreciate your honesty.

You and I have a similar disposition from what it sounds like. We all have different ways we cope in life. Mine is to immediately pull away if I sense any little thing or any amount of rejection that could be heading my way. My initial response is very “heady” and black and white. I say “If this…then that” turning the situation into a very logical thing instead of a heart thing. That is an area I have had to work with a lot in myself. I understand why I do that and I have had to work on a lot of forgiveness from the past crap in my life.

No one wants to get blindsided. It hurts and feels so awful. What has changed for me over the years, as I’ve healed the deeper wounds in my heart, is that I am able to handle that much better. What I mean is that I used to constantly ask questions, challenge, gather information, test the situation so that I could have as much information as possible so I wouldn’t get hurt….and if I did get hurt, I at least saw it coming and wasn’t surprised or fooled. The advantage to that approach is that I became VERY smart at reading situations, signals etc. and to be honest, I avoided lots of disasters and developed a pretty incredible skillset. That being said, what drove me to be that way was fear….and when fear is the driver behind any of our actions, it pollutes our perspective and how we see things. As we work with whatever we are afraid of, it’s not necessarily that our approach changes technically, but the spirit behind it changes. For example, when I was younger, I would ask a guy, “If you could create your perfect morning, you could be anywhere in the world, do anything you want, be with anyone you wish for….how would you design it?” That question is VERY revealing about a person. Before when I asked that, it had more of the spirit of gathering information so I could see whether or not I was going to continue dating that guy. Now….when I ask that question, yes I am gathering information, but funny enough, I would say that is only about 10% of my interest….and the rest is just pure curiosity!!! When I started noticing these changes in myself, I realized that the difference was that I felt more safe and trust inside myself.

When someone taught me about “trust” they reframed it in a way for me that made so much more sense. She said, “trust is not about the other person. People will always let you down, hurt you, disappoint you. So trusting someone else to NOT hurt you is not realistic. The trust needs to be inside of yourself.” Meaning, I need to learn to trust myself that not matter what shows up in my life, I will be okay. And that is the SKILLSET of resilience…a quality we all must have in life. Reality is, even if this guy does work, even if you both fall madly in love and spend the rest of your lives together, HE WILL HURT YOU!! HE WILL BLINDSIDE YOU! And it’s going to hurt like crazy!!! Having trust that you have the strength, love in yourself and a skillset to handle those moments….means that your fear takes a back seat and your trust is in the driver seat….and when that happens, you make better decisions, those moments in life are less scary and you just feel more peace.

I know this is not direct advice about you and your guy. Love and relationships are a HUGE risk and super scary. There is no way around that. If you have never been loved before, of course you are going to do everything can to not have to feel the rejection. I want to encourage you to find and connect to your own self worth. You are worth loving Crystal. You are worth getting to know. You are worth laughing with, you are worth risking with, your life is worth witnessing….and not because of anything you are or not, or do or don’t do…but just because you are! So when you can really connect to that truth and make that solid, whether a man chooses to take that path with you or not, you know you are going to be okay and can handle whatever shows up….and that feeling is sooooo wonderful. It has totally changed how I date and experience myself around men….and I love it!!! Build that trust in yourself and watch how it changes everything for you.

I have no idea if any of this will resonate with you or not. Even if not, know that you have a kindred spirit on the other end and I am rooting for you!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Joseline!

This is good information! I still stand by my original advice. When someone is fearful, the best way to pull them out of the fear is to create a safe space for them.

He felt things were going too fast. So that is where you need to help him feel better by slowing things down. I know it hurts because you feel like you are going to lose him, but it may actually help things along a lot faster if you take the pressure off. You guys still have sooooooo much to learn about each other! What if you just spent this “phase” getting to know each other better. If he doesn’t feel ANY pressure from you, then you can bond in deeper ways. So asking him fun, light questions…and just having easy conversations. Even if you do this for a week or 2, you might find that he shifts some. It’s great that he still loves you…you just need to give that some breathing room. Imagine if you were TERRIFIED of heights and someone wanted you to jump off a cliff. It FREEZES you! That’s kind of what he is going through right now. But what if instead, they took you to the cliff, set out some lawn chairs, brought some snacks and you guys just hung out at the top of the cliff, near the center and not at the edge…you would slowly get more and more comfortable being there….then you may end up having a little more courage to get closer to the edge. That’s probably the pace you need to offer him right now. It doesn’t mean that you stop loving each other….it just means that you are taking a different approach at the moment because he is sooooo scared that he ran. You are taking the approach to let him be scared and work through that, while you are just being patient and still connecting and getting to know him in other ways you have never done before.

I know you want everything to be back the way it was, but all of that is gone now. It has changed because he has changed. And this will happen sooooo many times in relationships! The relationships that end up making it are the ones where the people are flexible, patient and understanding…and even learning how to be okay for periods of time while one person works through a fear about something.

I feel like you guys could really work through this. Find your nurturing, patient side and find ways to support him through his fear. If things were moving too fast for him, then slow it down. It doesn’t sound like he is saying he wants to say goodbye forever, it just sounds like he has some things to figure out and he needs some time to do that.

I know you think you can grow cold if you don’t see him, but that where you can work on yourself. People in the military do it all the time! They find ways to be patient. They accept the situation and then get creative on how to meet each other’s needs. So for right now, focus on just being good friends for the next week. Help build trust with him by staying light, not talking about the relationship and what you want….just a week. Do you think you could do that?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Crystal,

I’m sorry you felt my advice was generic as it did not feel that way at all while I was writing it…so that bums me out it came across that way! I appreciate your honesty and I take it to heart as I am always learning how to help people better. I went back and re-read everything again and as well as my response. I’m not fully seeing your viewpoint and that’s okay. I could improve on how I said everything so it was more effective, but I feel good about the concepts I offered. But that’s where Kanya is a better fit for you and I get that. She is pretty wonderful! I just wanted you to know that I heard you and appreciate your boldness. That’s a good thing to have! Good luck with everything!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Kristine,

Oh wow! I am so sorry you are having to go through this! Of course you are devastate and want to fix everything with him.

Would you mind sharing more details? What happened that is causing him to disconnect? Is this a normal pattern for you guys? You have been together a very long time, so I’m curious if this is a new thing or have you guys broken before? you guys were not living together….I’m curious, that after 9 years, why not?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Stefanie!

What a great update! Thank you!

You are correct in your thinking…DO NOT MENTION ANYTHING about it! So what if he is ambivalent…you are too! One day you are really connected and wanting to fight for him and the next, you are thinking about letting him go. You guys have a lot of push / pull going on and that’s okay! Sometimes it really helps to stop that push/pull by NOT questioning or analyzing every little piece of it. With this particular aspect, leave it alone and just let him give you the gift. Don’t try to figure out all the underworkings of it….as it will ruin your ability to fully receive what he has to offer.

I think it’s a GREAT idea to connect for a few hours and let him send you whatever he has for you and then you delete him again until your tests are over. When someone has a gift, they DON”T want to wait to give it! Making him wait a few weeks to give it to you can cause the energy and excitement for him to fade. So I think your idea is a perfect compromise!

How do you feel about that?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Jaynella,

I am so sorry for the hurt and loss you are having to deal with right now. Would you mind sharing more details? You were together 10 years then got separated and all of a sudden he has disconnected and has a new girlfriend. IS that correct?

Are you guys far away from each other? How do you know he is with another woman if he isn’t talking to you? What kinds of things has he said to you about breaking up? Was there a complaint that he had? Is this a normal pattern for him to disconnect with you when he is upset?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Crystal!

It’s interesting reading about the progression of your situation. It sounds like you are really learning a lot and seeing different results.

I want to encourage you to be a bit more flexible in this process….meaning “He likes me or he doesn’t.” I wish everything were that black and white…and sometimes it absolutely can be. It doesn’t feel so simple with your situation. For example, when he reached out asking “favorite commercial” your feelings of annoyance and your thinking that he is disinterested is not at all how I would interpret that. I would interpret that as that he IS interested. He is reaching out and connecting with you. You guys needs to build a friendship right? And it’s those kinds of questions anyways, that are BEST for texting. They are serious, they are light, fun and a great way to get to know someone a little better. He is making and effort and that in and of itself is letting you know there is SOMETHING there for him to reach out to you.

The other side to this, is the when you start to act more platonic with him, it’s natural for a guy to pull away. A guy needs encouragement and signals to put himself out there a bit more. So although you are not chasing him, which is great, it’s also important to continue to flirt with him and keep putting out the energy that you are interested and you will say yes when he asks. A guy wants to know that if he is going to put himself out there and risk with a lady, the odds are in his favor…and that’s where we have to send the signals to encourage that from him.

So why not experiment a bit and get a little flirty and see what happens. It may take a few times, but you may find that it shifts his response to you to be more flirty in return and start the fire again between you guys.

What do you think?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Lynn!

I am so sorry about your mom. I believe that losing someone is one of the hardest things to go through. I am so glad you are feeling good again for right now and I have no doubt it is helping your spirit heal. Please keep us updated and let us know any other questions you have. We want to know!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Joseline!

I am so sorry! I know how shocking, devastating and hurtful this is!!!

My best guess is, he is ashamed and REALLY struggling with feeling like a man because he cannot provide for you….it goes against his machismo to have the woman provide. He could be terrified to be in love or even be loved if he is not able to provide for his lady and that feels like disaster for a man! That is a man’s CORE place that he gets his self esteem from….his ability to produce. It’s just how they are wired…there is not right or wrong about it….it just is. I know that any guy I have ever dated that was not secure in his job or what he was doing in his life…dating him was disaster! They can’t focus, they are not very available emotionally, they are constantly stressed and they just can’t think about the relationship. I know you feel that everything was going brilliantly. I am guessing though, that underneath everything, he was hiding his challenges and not wanting you to know about them. Then when you mentioned that study….my best guess is, it probably triggered all that stuff he’s been holding in and his low self esteem that is very present in his mind.

Also understand that even though you lived together so quickly and spent all that time together, the relationship is still very new. 5 months is not that long to know someone, so there may be some underlying issues he has never shared with you….or maybe didn’t want to stress you out about, so he hid that part of himself from you.

Those are my best educated guesses from what you have told me. For now, it’s important that you take a deep breathe and slow things down for a bit. Give him the space he needs. I’m glad to hear you guys are still talking…that’s a good sign!

I want you to focus on just keeping things light. The more you ask for him to come back or challenge him, the more he most likely will build more walls. The sooner you accept his choice and act like you accept it, then it will help build trust….you can really work on continuing to build your friendship. Give it time…when you keep bonding as friends, it’s a great way to continue getting to know each other without all the pressure he might have felt. I know how difficult this will be. You can occasionally ask him for help to activate his her instinct and you can throw in compliments here and there, letting him know the things you appreciated about him. My guess is, once he feels like his life is in order, his spirit will open back up again. Make it a rule to stay away from the “love” topic. He needs to be the one to say it first….when he is ready….that way, it will be him that is choosing to take things to the next level because he is ready for it and being the leader in the relationship….you just follow his lead and match him where he is at. It helps a man to feel like he is the caretaker in his own way.

What do you think?

heidi

[Heidi G]

HI Mitzi,

Lol! You sound super happy and that is so wonderful! I’m glad you are getting to have this experience with him!!!

I want to encourage you to take this slow. He is your boss and that is a VERY TRICKY road to travel down with someone. For now, I would recommend to focus on developing the friendship, really watch him and his patterns and make sure that this guy is worth giving your heart to. You don’t know him very well….you don’t know the intimate details of his personal life, what he’s like when he is angry and hurt by you, what he is like around friends etc. I know it’s wonderful with him AND it’s important not to lose yourself with this guy until you know that your heart is safe in his hands…..the first thing to look for is patterning. he distanced for a bit and then re-connected…so you want some time to make sure he can sustain that connection.

The best way to keep this guy’s attention is to play hard to get. You want to flirt and be available AND you want to make sure you are not so available that he can have you whenever he wants. He needs to hear you say “no” to him (even though it will be extremely difficult to do) but the result of you “no” can definitely trigger his need to chase you. If he feels that he doesn’t really have to “earn” you and that you are wrapped around his finger….it’s one of the fastest ways to lose his respect and attention. He may eventually end up losing interest. So keep all those amazing feelings inside yourself and protect them…..spend more and more time together and see how he responds to that….let him initiate MOST of what you guys do. Let him be in the driver’s seat. Then….after some time, when and if your relationship goes deeper, THEN you can start to share your feelings more and more. For now, keep is light and fun and easy as if you had 10 other guys waiting for you.

Does this make sense?? I’m excited for you!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Alice,

I am so sorry you are going through this! It doesn’t feel good at all, to be belittled and criticized. Is this normal for him to talk to you this way?

What’s your history? How long have you been together with him? Were you in a committed relationship or just dating? How long has it been since he distanced himself? Do you have any idea why he might be distancing? More details can help us guide you better as to your current situation.

Heidi

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