Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Megan!
I’m a little confused, so I just want to clear this up. You said that he broke up with you when he got back from vacation with his son. Then you said that you were at his house when he got home. When you said he was talking about future holidays and a future vacation with you, was that at a different time or was it when you were at his house when he got home?
It sounds like he is really struggling with something. What did he say / do when he saw you at his house? Did you guys talk about the breakup at all in further detail? Has he complained at all about things that were happening in the relationship that didn’t feel good for him? Did he initiate any of his own texting when he was on vacation or are you always the one initiating communication with him?
For right now, just be patient and give him some space. Let him feel your absence for a little bit of time. It doesn’t mean you are going anywhere….it just means you are waiting and letting him have a bit of time to feel his life without you in it and maybe figure some stuff out. And then during that time, we can help you come up with a good strategy to help you through this and how to re-connect with him.
Providing as much detail as possible is really helpful for us!!!
HeidiHi Sandra!
It definitely looks like there is a pattern being established that his happening somewhere around the 2 year mark. It really is crazy how many patterns we have in our lives that can show up every month, every year, every 10 years, but we don’t even know it!
It sounds like your list really scared him. He is being honest with you and letting you know he cannot offer you what you want from that list. So what to do next is really up to you. You can decide and agree that who he is, is not able to meet all of your needs…especially falling deeply in love and getting married and creating a life together. He might end up being a really difficult partner for you. If he is not very good at change….he really may be best suited for dating. Getting married and loving someone means A LOT of change! It sounds like he just has a lot of low self esteem. He needs to keep things the way they are, he is disappearing on you when things get tough for him and I’m sure that list just activated a lot of low self esteem as he would have to make a lot of changes to accommodate you. I’d be interested what his list would be. I wonder if he would ever want to get married again. If you decide that he is not a long term person for you, then you can write a letter or leave a voicemail or something saying something like this: “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I miss you terribly and it’s been hard for me. I’ve decided to really honor your wishes and truly let you go. I understand that you feel you cannot offer me what I want / need and it’s time for me to truly listen to you and accept that. So I’m going to let this go and disappear for awhile as well. I need some time to adjust and heal. Thank you for the time you did give me. It really was wonderful getting to love you. Take care.”
Your other option is to stay and keep fighting for him. The first, and most important part of that, is you accepting him for who he is. You would need to be okay with the possibility that he will never change his mind and he will not get married again. You need to accept that he may disappear sometimes when things get tough. If those are things you feel you are okay with, then you can contact him and have a conversation. You could say something like, “Listen….I’ve done a lot of thinking. I miss you and that’s all I know. If getting married is something you never want to do, I can accept that. The most important thing for me is that we keep growing and getting closer and having fun together. I want to do that with you and no one else. So how about we just let it go….you can forget about my list, as I am willing to as well. And we can just re-start and go have some fun together. Are you willing to do that with me?”
How do these options feel for you?
heidi
Hi Brittany!!
This is great news! I’m glad to hear that he called and initiated contact with you! How do you feel about him now? Did you happen to ask him if everything was okay on his end?
Heidi
Hi Darlene!
Super confusing what is going on! I just have some questions and thoughts. How long have you been dating? When it started out, you said he led you into an intense relationship. What do you mean by that? Did you guys communicate daily and connected on a deep level? What would you say is your “normal” pattern of communication? Are you guys living in the same city?
Is there anything about your relationship that he complained about? Do you know if this is a normal pattern for him? Meaning….does he have a tendency to cut off and pull away when he is struggling with something?
Do you have any idea what caused him to go cold and disconnect? It seems like it happened overnight and nothing really happened, but SOMETHING happened for him. Did you guys ever talk about that and what is going on for him? I”m wondering if he got scared…especially after an intense night of intimacy…maybe he felt things he doesn’t feel ready for.Just for now…stick to your guns and do not initiate. Talk with us a bit more and hopefully we can get more details as to how to handle this.
Heidi
Hi Aubrey!
Thanks for more details! What a bummer for him! To have 2 marriages fail because the ladies did not have integrity…that’s super hard!!! I would not be surprised if his defenses are up and doesn’t really realize it. It would be extremely difficult for someone to allow their heart to fall in love again with that kind of history. His psyche will stop his heart from bonding in a really deep way…that is, if he has never worked on healing all of the hurt. Do you know if he ever got some help about all of it? Did he ever figure out why all of it happened or what the common denominators were?? If not, he would not trust himself, nor women…therefore he will not really fall in love again (this is from a subconscious space). I have seen that happen many times in a relationship. A person reaches a point where they are blocked and just can’t go further and they don’t understand it or know why. It takes a bit of digging, but eventually we get to that place and help create freedom from the lies (very deep down) that are holding them back from moving forward.
How does he talk about his past relationships? Does he seem okay about both of them and has forgiven them? Or does he come across as guarded, resentful, hurt etc.? Does he have a pattern at all of holding onto past things that have hurt him? Or is he pretty forgiving and lets things go? Does he share his feelings about those kinds of things with you pretty easily? How do you think he would take it if you suggested to see a Life Coach or therapist or something of that nature.
You could say something like…”You know….you and I have a great thing going. You love me, but something is stopping you from moving forward with me. Maybe it is 100% because you just don’t feel like we can get to that depth…or maybe there is something blocking you from moving forward….maybe stuff still left over from your past experiences that is buried really deep and not on the surface. I am willing to let you go if that is really what you want right now, but what if we just took a break instead, for a season, and maybe you could see a Relationship Coach or a therapist or someone who knows how to help you understand what is happening. At the very least, you will most likely learn a lot and at the very most, you do discover there was some crap buried super deep preventing you from connecting with me on that level. Would you be willing to at least give that a shot before completely ending things with us?”
It sounds like you guys have such a wonderful relationship! I would really hate to see him walk away without trying something to see what is blocking him. If it is his fear that is stopping him, he will keep running into the same trouble over and over, since the challenge is within him.
I am not exactly clear as to the specific design you guys have set up. Are you guys still talking to each other? Is he reaching out at all? Are you reaching out and he is receptive or has he become really distant?
Heidi
Hi Scarlet!
Thank you for sharing your story and giving us some good details! I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your guy is pretty confused. Getting together with you only 5 months after breaking up with a woman for 6 years…I don’t know anyone who could heal in that amount of time. I know you guys talked a lot, but reality is….it’s just talking. He can tell you all kinds of things, but you actually don’t know a person until you see the action behind those words…and that just takes some time being around each other.
It sounds like you are not willing to let him go. I know he says he loves the way you treat him, but that just isn’t enough. If his heart is still really connected to the chaos of his life with his “x” then that is what you are battling against. He may really enjoy and be comfortable in that kind of mess. Hoarders feel safe and secure in “mess.” It’s called the “womb” effect. The womb was the last place we were all super safe and snug and surrounded. People who don’t feel very safe, will turn towards hoarding and create their own “womb” so to speak in their environment. They are EXTREMELY uncomfortable in peace, clean, easy ways of life. It sounds like he may not be ready to be treated really well. He is split…he has one part of him really bonded to his “x” and another part really bonded to you….and it sounds like he just wants both of you, but reality is, he needs to chose. I guarantee if he were to go back to his “x” the same exact things would happen. It might be good for awhile and then the arguing would show up again, he would become unhappy and he would miss you like crazy. So the problem here is really about HIS unhappiness. It sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can. How is your communication? Does he ever complain about anything specific in the relationship?
What is the current status of your relationship? Has he made any decisions? I’m not sure I understand where you guys are at right now and what decisions have been made…
Heidi
Hi Brittany!
There is definitely some need to find out what is going on for him. Have you guys ever met in person? How long has it been an LDR. Have you asked him directly, why his pattern is changing? You could say something like, “I really miss hearing from you everyday. I know something has changed and I don’t know why. It would be really helpful if you shared with me what is going on for you. Would you be willing?”
Do you know if work has gotten more stressful for him at all? Do you guys have a plan as to how to come together at some point?
More details will be really helpful!
heidi
Hi Aubrey!
Wow…this is tough!!! I just have a few questions….how long was he divorced before he got involved with you? Do you know why he got divorced both times? I am wondering if he has a fear, emotional block about really falling in love. I wonder if he doesn’t trust himself to pick a good woman. I wonder if he is sabotaging or…maybe he really doesn’t feel that deeply for you….he may not be capable of that actually. Who knows…he is the only one that could have any answers to this. If you notice any patterns about him, that could give you some clues about what is really going on inside him.
How was the quality of your relationship? Did you guys argue a lot or was it peaceful and easy most of the time? How was your communication with each other? Looking back, can you tell that he may not have been fully invested in the relationship? Did he ever complain about anything specific in regards to the relationship?
More details will help us greatly!!!
Hi Sandra!
I am so sorry to hear this! It hurts the heart quite a bit to connect every single day, then all of a sudden have that person pulling back and not wanting the same things as you are.
I just have a few questions. Is he healthy? Meaning, are you aware of any diseases or anything that might cause him to pull away and put some walls up? You talked about what you wanted for your future….did you guys ever talk about what he wanted and imagined for his future? Do you know if he had some big challenges in his past around relationships / love that would cause him to never want to marry again? Where exactly do you guys stand right now? Are you chatting every once in awhile? Is he initiating contact at all, or are you the only one doing that?
Thanks Sandra!!
Hi Asyegul!
Oh wowowow! I am elated for you guys!!! This is soooo exciting!!! Good for you for doing the work and talking with him about it!! Good for him for listening and opening up in return…slowly but surely. Remember this process as you guys will hit bumpy roads again. Men respond REALLY REALLY well when the finger isn’t pointed at them. All people do actually. If you go into hurt feelings and claiming them as your own vs. blaming and shaming…your odds of resolution in a healthy, peaceful way are suuuper high! And it will just bring you guys closer and closer together. Just like this last time did.
Your age difference and income different will most likely show up down the road. Reality is, if it weren’t that, it would be something else. Each couple comes with a set of issues the will have to face with each other. The goal here is, is to be able to face them together in a respectful, honoring way.
So for right now, let it go. You will deal with those aspects when they show up. For now, everything is going so well and working wonderfully, so focus ALL of your attention on that and keep building on that!!
Thank you sooo much for your updates!!! Please keep us posted!!!
Heidi
Hi Maria,
It does sound very confusing! I am curious…did you think of him in a romantic way AT ALL before that dinner where he expressed his interest in you? How recent is his divorce?
There is this thing that can happen. It’s a thing where a person can have strong feelings for someone and be attracted to them, simply because they are being chosen. I am wondering if that is what has happened with you. Anytime I find myself attracted to a guy, I am ALWAYS asking myself “why?” There have been little phases in my life where I have found myself being attracted to a certain guy all of a sudden, just because he was giving me attention and pursuing me!! And that attraction feels VERY real. I have noticed this enough times in my life, so I am able to catch it by now and it usually shows up when I am really out of balance in getting my needs met.
You have not been out there dating in a loooong time and it’s going to feel super super wonderful to be fought for and chosen. You went from business partner to all of a sudden a super intense relationship and now it has fizzled out. For someone coming from your space, of course you would respond to him….how reall is your attraction??? That is something that only time can tell. He has activated 2 primary, core things that are easily activated in a woman….being fought for and then pulling away. Both things cause a woman to say yes and want to respond….even if she isn’t crazy about the guy. If a guy knows how to activate those 2 things in a woman properly, he will hook most women. I’ve even been hooked KNOWING EXACTLY what was going on!!! It’s just our nature and how we work and what we respond to!!!
So my guess is, you are wanting him back more because you are missing being fought for. That emptiness and feeling of rejection will make you want him back. I know you also have genuine feelings for him too that are mixed in there, but those are nominal as you barely know each other.
He has been very inconsistent and not a man of his word. Just from the little that you have explained, it sounds like he is really good at getting what he wants. There is this type of guy who lays it on super thick (romance, feelings etc.) and then hooks the woman….and then he will start to not follow through as much. He will go still live his life and do what he wants, but give her enough to keep her connected…without really investing as much as he did in the beginning…..but then the lady keeps responding because she feels him less connective and there begins this cycle. Some guys do this very purposefully and some do it from an unconscious space. Who knows what your guy is doing….that’s why I was wondering how long he has been divorced for. That can influence his level of over excitement with his new found freedom.
You need to switch it to where he is chasing you again. If he knows you will respond to him, regardless of his lack of word and inconsistency, you are teaching him that’s okay with you. So I would suggest pulling back your energy and letting him initiate. Let him do ALL the initiating just for a bit…maybe a few weeks and see what happens! You need to find out how serious this guy is about you by watching his ACTIONS and not his words. Both matter, of course, but for right now, his actions are going to be more important than his words.
Do you feel you can back off a bit and see what he does with that? What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Claudia,
It sounds like a bunch of excuses to me. I would suggest to no longer contact him. If he wants to see you, let him make the effort. I suggest you really let go of the idea of this guy. He is not responding in a way that makes you feel connected and valued….and you deserve NOTHING LESS than that!!!
I still am very suspicious of this guy being single….and if he is single…there is something going on. For him to make all that effort in the beginning and then totally pull back…something is getting in the way…and it’s not you!
Heidi
Hi Korina,
It’s a very, very difficult thing to have such strong, very real feelings for someone and at the same time, know they are not healthy for us. It is such an incredible battle between mind and heart!!! Many people really get swept up in the feelings and so many times I try to ground them in the reality of the person, as “feelings” are just not enough to create a healthy relationship.
Any man who is controlling on that level is a good person to stay away from. I know it hurts and I know you want to see him. Imagine though…what your life would be like with him. If you were to go live with him, you would be trapped. You wouldn’t be able to have your freedoms in life, as he would most likely be so controlling that you would end up more scared and unhappy. All those wonderful feelings you have for him now, would disappear and be replaced by being in another really terrible situation for yourself.
Instead of taking your “mom’s” advice, take your own!!! Take your own power and voice and listen to that!!! You know there are some big, red flags here! So if you give that voice of yours some value, then you will be honoring what your gut / intuition is telling you about him. It is in the best interest of your very sacred, very precious heart…to NOT hand it over to someone who is controlling and domineering. Your heart deserves to be nurtured and cared for and that has to start with YOU PROTECTING IT!!! Can you connect to that idea at all??
Heidi
