[Heidi G]

Okay! This makes a lot more sense now. Thank you for explaining further.
So my next question is, if you are okay with something casual, I’m not sure what your need for advice is.
You are doing such a great job at supporting him and letting him do his life the way he needs to, without really bugging him for more time or connection.

You are getting a sense of his pattern. He tends to not connect for awhile, but is still responsive when you lightly show you are still there. My guess is, he is not taking this very seriously either, so when he gets around to it, he will connect.

If casual is what you want, then that is exactly what he is giving you. Maybe you are wanting a different design of “casual?”

I still am not clear what you want different from him. You want casual and that is what he is giving you. So what do you want differently from him than what he is offering you?

And fyi, your english is amazing!!!! So keep trying to explain…I just want to make sure I am on the same page as you before offering guidance.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Frances,

The first thing I want you to get really connected to, is that you are human. You only were the doing the best you knew how….and maybe did some things that made him want to push away from you, but it still was your best. You can only do better when you learn more…and that is what you are already doing, so be VERY nice to yourself! We all have limitations and things we can improve upon.

Because we are human, we need someone else’s ability to accept and even love that side of us. That’s what a relationship is. It is an acceptance of ALL that a person is, not just their best parts. It doesn’t sound like this guy has that capacity. Do you think he is spending all this time away from you, wondering how he could be a better partner for someone? I doubt it. Here you are trying to “fix” everything, all the while he is off with another lady. Just something to think about….whenever I am coaching someone on finding their match, a top priority is findin someone who approaches life in the same way they do….otherwise, the relationship can get very difficult. This guy seems to approach it differently than you. It doesn’t mean that it can’t work…it just means it’s important to look at the TRUTH of who he is when things get difficult. He has chosen to not be honest with you, disconnect and run away vs. having an honest conversation with you about what he really feels about you.

From what you are telling me, it doesn’t sound like he is interested in something deep and connective with you. If he didn’t like hearing that you missed him or loved him, after 2 years of dating (did I understand that right?) than I am wondering what he is doing with you. It doesn’t sound like he is very clear on what you mean to him. Would you agree?

You have every right to ask where the relationship is going. Your needs matter. So do his….it’s just a matter of having a good conversation about where things are going and if he could not offer that to you, then I question his ability to commit to anything at this point in time. He may still be needing to play around and date and not get serious about anyody……or there is the oher side as well….you just may not be his match in that way that inspires him to take things to the next level. I don’t know. He is the only one that can answer that. For right now, he is showing you that he is not interested and that just hurts. Again, you keep saying you want him back, but it doesn’t sound like you ever really had him in the first place, fully and completely. Am I understanding correctly?

So with all of that being said….the most important thing for you to do is to love yourself. You live and learn right? If you were coming across as needy to him, then now is the time for you to dive into that part of yourself and do some healing. Neediness really comes out when you do not know how to feel happy without that other person. You need them to connect with you, you need them to love you, you need them to make you happy, you need them to “complete” you. It’s like a piece of swiss cheese….all those holes that are there are the spaces that you are wanting HIM to fill for you, instead of you filling them yourself. When a guy senses this, it can cause him to keep distance as that is a BIG responsiblity. I’m not sure if you agree that you were needy. His perspective of you does not necessarily mean it’s true. So that is for you to really look at. If you agree, then spend your time devleoping your self esteem and learning about how to connect deeply and lovingly to yourself. If you disagree, then you can choose to ignore what his experience was.

I cannot tell you what to do. This is your path. What is most important is that you get very clear about who he is…ALL of him. Do you feel that he is someone that can offer the same level of love you have for him? Is he someone, that when things get super hard, that you feel you can rely on in a second? Is he someone you feel safe with your deepest vulnerabilities? If no, then you have a choice to make. If yes, then give him the space to experience this other girl. I would occassionally check in with him, but for the most part, keep your distance. He needs to fully experience this other girl. He needs to make his own choice to disconnect from her if it comes to that. So unfortunately, if you want to fight for him, it’s going to hurt. The more you “miss him” or “love him” the more it will most likely push him more into her. He needs to feel your strength and your self esteem. He needs to know that you will be strong and okay, even if he doesn’t choose you. This type of strength and self esteem is very attractive to a man. The stronger you feel to him, the better chance at catching his attention. He needs to feel the chase…he needs to feel like it’s difficult to catch his prey. So this is where doing some soul searching on your end, can really help. Fill those holes in the swiss cheese YOURESELF. Find those spots where you don’t love yourself very well and love them better. This will create an internal strength that men love!!! They don’t know they love it usually, but they do….lol

What do you think? This is a place to start, but by no means the whole process. Let’s just start somewhere and we can continue from there.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Tessa,

Holy smokes he has a lot going on! Struggling financially, taking care of mom and sister, lost his baby and wife….that’s an incredible amount of stress! I’m surprised you have even gotten from him what you have.

The reality of this kind of guy is that he is in survival mode. I’m sure you are getting all that he has. When a guy is overwhelmed in all areas of his life….they are not very available to start a new relationship….let alone take it to a serious level.

I wouldn’ take any of it personal….his distance. The very best you can do is to just support him the best you know how. The challenge with a guy in his situation, is that he will have little to no tolerance for your needs. If you have anything you need from him or ask him for that is different, it will feel like you are adding 100lbs to his already 10000 lbs he is carrying. So in a way, you are in a relationship where you really are there for him and he is not very much there for you. It is what it is for right now. It’s going to be a lot of work for you and may take years before he ever opens up to you….considering his traumas. Is that something you are prepared for? What if it took 3 more years before he really opened up to you….or 5 years?
T

The mistake many people make is they keep believing “if i just wait, they will come around. If i just keep being that amazing support (at the expense of themselves) for him, eventually he will open up. That is living your life for the “hope” of the future instead of what reality is RIGHT NOW.

I think you are doing a great job supporting him and giving him space to do and be as he needs. I imagine it’s probably the only way he is still around.

Are you sure you want to keep going through all this work? Would you consider still dating?
Heidi

[Heidi G]

Okay….this makes a little more sense. So you guys have been in a serious relaitonship for 2 year now. Then he started cheating on you? Or did he break up and then start seeing this other lady?

Is there anything you are aware of that would cause him to disconnect from you? You are saying that everything was wonderful and you guys were happy. Do you feel he has the same perspective? Have you ever talked to him about it? Is cheating a pattern of his? Has he ever done that before?

When you asked for more from him, were you asking for mariage? Is that what scared him away?

If you want him back, this is going to take some time. As long as the other lady has his attention, it might be waiting until that fizzles out, if it does. If he does come over and paint, maybe you can just have a good conversation. Don’t talk about the other girl, but insteaed inquire about his experience. Is it REALLY the pressure from you that caused him to disconnect? I imagine you would have backed off if he really asked you to. So I am wondering if something else is happening for him.

You can say something like, “I want to learn more about you. I don’t quite understand what has happened and how we ended up here. I truly am interested in learning how I could have been better for you and what your experience was with me. I really want to know. I understand you are with someone else and I need to accept that. Can you still honor me by helping me learn what my part was in this, that really drove you away?”

If you pose your question with curiosity and just keep the subject on you and him, NOT THE OTHER GIRL, then he may be willing to open up a little more….which hopefully will give you more information about what you are up against.

Is this his pattern by the way? When things got difficult, is he the type to run away and not really talk about things?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

HI Frances,

I’m a little confused. You guys never dated right? You keep saying you want him back, but it sounds like you guys were only friends for all of that time….yes?

How old is he? He is still living at him and you are on your own and already married then divorced. Is there a big age difference?

Has he ever expressed romantic interest towards you? Or has he always just kept the boundary as friends?

I’m so sorry about your ex husband. There is nothing more horrible and shocking than that!!!
I”m glad he was there to help you heal!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Tessa,
Welcome! So glad you are hear asking for some ideas.
I just have a few questions.

Has he expressed interest in a relationship? Is that what you are wanting with him? Something more serious or just light and fun? What kinds of things have you done that makes you think you are pushing him away? What is his response? Does he tend to just disappear and talk less with you?

More details are helpful.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Joseline,

I’m sorry this is not going in the way you want.

One of the hardest things abou loving someone, is loving them enough to let them go through their process. He NEEDS to find himself and he cannot do that WITH you. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own low self esteem. Are you not interested in him growing and finding himself? Do you not care that he faces himself and figures out how to feel like a man for himself? Do you not trust that HIS process is a very important thing for him?

I know it hurts not to have him, but even if he did stay, you would have an incomplete man and you guys would have all kinds of problems show up. You were only together fo 5 months and that is very little time to see the worst in someone. I guarantee you guys were heading or a rough road, despite how much you love each other. Right now, all you are concerned about is how you are feeling. You are hurting and you want him to sacrifice himself so you can be happy, even if it is not good for him. Relationships are about compromise and acceptance. Love is about patience and understanding how important growth is for someone. Does this not interest you?

I still think there could be a chance at some point….just not right now. I think that if you can find your patience and care or his process and develop a good friendship and get to know each other better during this time, it’s still very possible he will feel ready at some point…once he has figured everything out.

It sounds like that is something you don’t want to wait for though. I get it. You have to choose your path as well.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Karla,
What a wonderful exchange you guys had! That was sweet and thoughtful. Hope for the future? Who knows. What you do know is that he is responsive as your friend and many times, that is the BEST way to grow a romantic relationship.

Have you ever tried flirting with him? Has he ever flirted with you? Or hinted at anything sexual or romantic or anything of that nature?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Asja!

This question is a tough one. I hate to stereotype, but from personal experience as well as people I have coached, musicians tend to be very unpredicatble. It really is a different type of life and mindset…AND they typically have ladies ALWAYS willing to service their needs….and that is just fine for them. Do you think this guy falls into that “type” at all? That type is usually very non committal and don’t tend to put much effort into a relationship. If they connect too much with someone from home, they then do not have the freedom on the road to be and do as they please….and if they have tried, many of them have very jealous girlfriends….so many of them just don’t get into relationships.

Who knows what he is doing. I would suggest to continue dating, so you don’t put much effort or thought into a guy who only feels inspired to talk to you every few weeks. Besides, he may sense your lack of attention towards him and it may activate his need to chase you. If he doesn’t chase you on any level, then does the “why” even matter really? You have only seen him a few times…and ou are still technically married. This fact, in and of itself, may make him not take you too seriously…that is, if you told him that.

So wha exactly do you want with this guy? If you are still married, I’m not sure what you want. I’m more curious what is stopping you from ending your relationhip, so you are free and clear to create what you desire.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Hannah!

Well done on all of your research and learning everything you could! It’s great! Glad we get to be a part of your process!

It’s a great question you are asking and one that only time will eventually reveal.

The challeng here is….he is getting all of his needs met and you are not. You are wanting more connection…naturally. Seeing each other every month and 1/2 for a weekend makes it extremely difficult to grow a relationship when there is no communication in between that time. It sounds like he is responsive when you text him and initiate though, so that’s a good sign.

It’s sad that he is giving the excuse that he just can’t commit. If he is THAT afraid, then he really might have some deeper issues he need to face…or….it’s a line he uses with all the ladies in order to keep them at a distance.

You have 2 options here. You can decide that it’s worth all the work in order to figure this guy out (and that’s going to take some time) or you can decide that would rather date a guy who is not letting his fear control him so much. I personally prefer to date a guy who doen’t have anything stopping him from moving forward with me. Relationships and dating are hard enough without dealing with the fear of committment. Most of the time, the people I have coached through this, end up on this loooooong journey with the person, just trying to establish trust and safety. It’s your journey though and you ge to take it however you want. Whatever he is afraid of (or if he is playing games) bottom line is, you need more connection in order for you to feel safe to continue with him.

So if I am getting this right, he essentially said no? He is no willing to see you more than 1.5 months apart? Is he willing to communicate more possibly? Was he willing to compromise at all on the design of how you guys interact?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Hannah,

I am wond3ring if this is also his horrible habit. You may turn everything around to be about you, but does he also have the habit of not talking and sharing very much? I imagine so….so understand that he is part of this design as well. I am saying this because as much as you may change this habit of yours, I wonder if it will change his habit of not sharing with you. Let’s see and experiment!!!

Okay…so this is the formula I like to teach people when someone is sharing their troubles.
1. Validate
2. Get curious
3. Validate again
4 Problem solve

Basically, people just need to be listened to and one of the best ways of listening is to validate how they feel with statements like, “Wow…I can really see that you are hurting and struggling.” Then you get curious by asking them questions about their experience. This makes the person feel like they are center stage and that you are interested in their problem. So you ask questions like, “I see this is really hurting you. What would you say hurts the most out of the whole situation? What do you wish happened instead?” Asking deeper questions about their feelings is a GREAT way for the person to feel really listened to AND it helps them process more of their feelings. Then you can keep validating how they feel. THEN, you can help problem solve, many times by asking questions as well. “Do you think that if you mentioned this to them that they would respond well to it?”

Does this make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Tina,

First thing is first. Have you talked to your boyfriend yet? Have you decided to end that relationship for sure?

I think that is the first place to start. I think, at the very least, it would help your amazing guy trust that you are actually free. As long as you are still in a relationship, I imagine he will keep those walls up pretty high…as he should. It’s important for you to be very clear as to what you want. If you try to re-connect and give your heart to your amazing guy, all the while still have a boyfriend, that really splits your energy. You can’t have both, so what at you willing to do?

It’s great that he is responding every once in awhile. Are you sure he is not in a relationship? I wonder if he has some “crap” he is dealing with at home..work, financial stress, family stress etc. That could be contributing to his lack of communication.

In the meantime, I suggest just taking it easy. Keep it light and really re-inforce the friendship. You can activate his hero instinct. Is there anything you could ask him for help with?

If you guys do get together…is there a way to live in the same place? I am also wondering if the distance is a big hindrance for him for some reason.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Natalia,

This is a great question you are asking. It really is up to you. Each person is very different with how they handle a guy they are not attracted to. What I tend to coach people towards is to be authentic. The guy deserves to have your honesty. And being friends is typically not something most guys are looking for. They want romance. But you can always just be honest and let them decide how they want to proceed with you.

It’s funny how you have all these reasons as to why these 2 guys are not attractive to you. I have dated sooo much in my life and probably 95% of the time, I had excuses too….beyond all the excuses, the truth is, you are just not inspired to move forward with them. You can list the reason why, but reality is, there could be another guy that somehow you are inspired by and he has those same qualities that were unattractive in someone else. I no longer bother going into the “why” of not being attracted to a guy…I just leave it at that…I’m not attracted and that’s it…that simple. I also like to encourage people that you just aren’t sure, give it some time. The more you hang out with someone, the more information you will gather and THEN you can make a more clear decision as to how to move forward with him.

So it’s up to you! You can be totally honest…I like to say this: “Thank you for honoring me with your time and interest. I need to tell you that I just do not feel the way I want to feel with a guy. Nothing personal….it’s just not there for me.”

What do you think about that?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Tina,

Wow….so if I get this right, he has left a few times, to go to other women and then keeps returning? Can you share a bit more?

Is he wanting to work on your marriage? What kinds of things have you tried before to work out your challenges?

Of course you keep getting wounded….it hurts like crazy, even just once! And here you are having to go through this a few times! And yes…enough is enough! There is a boundary that needs to be created for your own health. Where are you both at right now exactly? Are you guys talking? Has divorce been thrown out as an option?

Man I’m so sorry….this is really tough what you are going through!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Stefanie,

All of this stuff is a completely different language to me! lol…no clue what any of it means…a totally different world than mine…

I definitely sense your frustration. It sounds like you already were honest with him….I’m curious how he responded. Maybe next time, put a little dazzle in it. You definitely could use this as a way to activate his hero instinct!

Like, seriously, NONE of this even remotely makes sense to me.
As far as I’m concerned – This statement here may come across as complete frustration to him and that your opinion of the game is on the VERY low end. Is this how you want him to feel? Maybe another way to say it: “I really had trouble trying to figure all of this out. It amazes me that you created this! I’m kinda thinkin that either I am really lame, or you are more brilliant than I realized….lol. I definitely reached very high levels of frustration, so all I have left to say is…please help! I need you!” Just a thought.

Keep us updated!!!

Heidi

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