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Hi Julie!
This is great news!!! How are you feeling about it?
My sense is, still give him space. I would still wait and let HIM initiate the pace of connection. Let him be the guide for right now until some trust is built back up and until he can show some consistency and solidarity.
Just for future reference…How would you feel if 2 days after breaking up, your guy said, “I am doing great.” I know that would kind of hurt my feelings and make me think: Maybe I wasn’t that important to them. If they are doing so great without me, then maybe it’s better to stay that way.
Another way to say it would be “I accept your decision about our relationship. It was horribly painful at first and I had a lot of tears, but I really worked myself into the point of honoring and respecting your choice. So for now, I am doing okay. I still love you like crazy, but I am in a place of acceptance.”
Do you feel the difference?
What do you think about all of this? What is the current status? Has he contacted you again? What does he mean he wants a clean slate? Is he asking to come back?
Heidi
Hi Tiara!
Welcome! You ask a really good question!!! One thing I had to realize a lot as I was learning and growing and dating the “wrong” guys…was that those “wrong” guys were actually just was I needed. Many times we need to learn through pain and discomfort. Many times we learn by being around a certain kind of person that will ignite a fire inside of us to fight for more. It’s a strange human condition I think. Why do we need to learn through pain??? I don’t know the answer to that, but I what I do know is that pain is a great motivator!!! So instead of calling someone “right” or “wrong,” (those are judgment words) I call them “more effective or less effective. Even the “wrong” person is still effective for us….maybe not the MOST effective possible, but even if they bring an incredible amount of pain and chaos into our lives, isn’t that still effective for growth?? What do you think?
I’m glad you are able to forgive the woman who stole from you. She needs that from you! Are you still dating?
Heidi
Hi Stephanie,
I understand you are confused. Anyone would be as he shutting you out of his world, so you are left to wondering what the heck is going on. This is definitely HIS limitation, not yours.
I said awhile back that I am wondering if he is carrying a BIG secret that no one knows about and that is what is really causing such a big reaction and such low self esteem and depression. One thought I had at that time that maybe he cheated. My guess is, if he cheated, it was something that just happened vs. him falling in love with another girl and starting a relationship. Who knows…what I do know is that SOMETHING is really eating away at his spirit and you have no idea what it is….only he does. So I suggest to stop trying to “figure this out” because you can’t. And frankly, it’s not really your job to. It’s his job.
So let’s look at what happened on July 3rd. Everything was great until he got back to the house and went into the room. He obviously got triggered again and began to sink. VERY NORMAL for someone carrying a million pounds on their shoulders. They can have good moments, but they always return to the heaviness of their life until they finally face it. You did the best you could in trying to handle all of it Stephanie. This is an incredibly difficult situation and it is quite normal for you to have some bigger reactions as well. Your whole world has changed! So be kind to yourself. You are doing the very best you can. You are here, talking to us and learning how to better support him and learning some new skills. Well done!!!!
What I suggest for you, as far as moving forward, is to just accept the present moment. No one knows what will happen…even tomorrow. You obviously are not willing to give up yet, so you get to stay and fight…and that’s okay! So that means NO MORE EXPECTATIONS!!! That is what really got you into trouble on July 3rd. You were hoping he would stay the night. Your disappointment would trigger him into feeling all of his low self esteem and how he is letting everyone down. So for now….expect NOTHING from him. You live your life the best way you know how. You have fun with him, you listen when you can, but no more expecting hugs and kisses or for him to stay the night. It’s not going to happen right now. He will offer that when and if he is ready. Until then, keep yourself grounded in the truth that he is completely unavailable for you right now. The guy you knew before is not there anymore. He is who he is RIGHT NOW…which is depressed, emotional and unpredictable. That’s about all you can count on at the moment. So I think it’s a great thing for you to just back off. No more texting, no more I love you’s and just see what happens. Try it for week. Give him a ton of space and let HIM create all the situations and be the leader. Just see what happens.
And you are correct. What you said about the dishes IS NOT the reason you are in this situation today. Again…he has been carrying around a million pounds and what you said that day may have just tipped the scales. That is HIS choice to carry that much weight and it is NOT YOUR FAULT that he chooses to live his life that way. He is paying the price for his choice to do that now. He is so miserable, but apparently not in enough pain that he is willing to do anything about it. It’s unfortunate.
In regards to him asking “what if we end up back here again, having this conversation down the road?” There is something you need to connect to Stephanie. It’s VERY possible you will end up back here again with him. He is someone who doesn’t communicate, therefore, truth be told, you don’t know him very well. You can only know someone as much as what they are willing to share and he doesn’t share is REAL thought and feelings with you. He has a whole internal world / conversation happening that you have no clue about. So he is actually being more realistic about your relationship that you are. You cannot promise forever to anyone. It is not a promise that you or anyone else on the face of this earth can make. People change, life happens and that means promises are broken all of the time. The truth is, he does not handle confrontation or his feelings in a healthy way. Even if you were to get back together, you most likely would end up right back here again….maybe 10 years down the road or 20. THIS IS WHO HE IS! He doesn’t talk, she doesn’t share and he tries to bury all of his hurt feelings until his tank starts overflowing that he can’t contain it anymore. That’s where you are at with him right now and that’s why it is overwhelming. It’s important for you to really see him for who he is. No matter what you say or do, it will not change him and how he chooses to live his life. If you don’t want to end up back here again, then HE needs to be willing to learn a new skillset and get some help so that you guys can handle challenges TOGETHER. You keep taking so much responsibility for why things are the way they are. Of course you contributed, but his choice to bury his feelings for years is HIS choice. Now he needs to face himself and hopefully start to make new choices.
What do you think about what I said about him getting some help with a psychiatrist? What do you think about me mentioning that he probably has suicidal thoughts? What do you think about YOU getting some help??? A therapist or a coach to guide you through this very intense time. I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Heidi
Hi Kim,
I understand your fear and your question about whether or not you can wait for him to be ready. What I hear from you right now is that you really care for this guy. All you have is this present moment. All you have is right now. The more you spend your energy trying the figure out the future, the more it will disconnect you from what you do have right now. If you feel like you are NOT ready to leave this relationship, then be okay investing in staying. Learn to be okay with his struggles. He is going to have them, maybe forever. It has nothing to do with you! But what those moments are, are windows of opportunity for you to show your support and understanding. That builds trust…that builds friendship….that strengthens the bond. So look at the moments of his struggle as an opportunity to be with someone when they are in pain and offer comfort. Be present with him vs. thinking about the future. You will deal with it, when the time comes. Trust that if there comes a point where you need to talk about more of a commitment, you will handle it at that time and no sooner. For right now, be with him and focus on strengthening the connection.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Julie,
Your whole world is being turned upside down right now. I am so sorry. Seasons like these are INCREDIBLY difficult and “not knowing” the outcome is beyond challenging and uncomfortable. Hang in there! You are doing a great job so far!
I am wondering how old your husband is. 50’s?? There is actually something that changes in the brain for men in their 50’s where the usual walls and barriers of their negative experiences of life get unleashed. It feels like what he may be going through would be a mid-life crisis kind of thing. Has he ever done a triathlon before? Is exercise and important part of his life? Of your life? My guess is, this really has nothing to do with you in particular. I’m sensing it has so much to do with him and all the junk he is carrying on the inside….and what happens when people make super sudden changes, there is usually something that has been buried for a loooong time that begins to come to the surface. The person very rarely connects to what is REALLY happening…the core reason. All they know is that they feel uncomfortable. All they know is that something needs to change. So they look at their current life and they blame it on something in the present and make changes that way.
It was not a mistake that you told him you were not happy with the distance. Distance is very difficult and you have every right to express a desire for a change. I also would not blame this change on a lack of communication. This woman came along and there is a connection between them. That is what is causing this change. He is choosing to respond. That is what is causing this….NOT YOU! Even if you contributed to his desire to separate, you are just human and you need a partner to talk to you about things and work WITH you vs. leave. You are doing the very best you know how. Yes…there are some things you could have done different, but that is what life is all about. We all could say that every situation. That’s how we learn. So be kind to yourself through this.
The other possibility is that he just didn’t feel the way he really wanted to feel with you. This woman that I know was with her guy for 9 years. They loved each other dearly and I really liked their relationship (from what I could see). Then an ex boyfriend contacted her over email and they started talking. There was a part of her that got activated. This part that “woke up” made her realize how she didn’t feel about her current guy. She LOVED and RESPECTED her guy very deeply, but she realized she was missing something all those years. She is not moving forward with the ex boyfriend at all, but talking to him a handful of times made her realize that she just didn’t feel how she wanted to feel. She up and left and it all happened within 2 days. He was shell shocked and completely didn’t see this coming. He has been working with his coach for a handful of sessions and now is feeling much better about the whole situation.
I don’t know what is going on with this guy and I’m not even sure he would know. What I want you to really think about is maybe giving him the space to figure this out. I know you would take him back right away, but truth is, he is VERY confused and were he to come right back to you, nothing would get resolved inside of him. There is something he needs to deal with inside of him, SEPARATE than you and him together….FIRST and FOREMOST! I wonder if he would be willing to work with someone through this…get an objective opinion, help him connect to what he is really feeling and what is happening. If he doesn’t go down that road, whatever is being stirred up now can just get buried and then he will go through this again in some fashion or another. Are you willing to get some help as well??? This is a MAJOR even happening in your life and shocking! It can help a TON to have someone to talk through, give objective opinions and guide you through this messy situation.
I know you feel alone. You are right now. You don’t have your best friend there, right next to you, to help you through something even more difficult. I am so sorry about your father. There are a lot of people you can reach out to in order to get some help. I would hate for you to tell your guy, then have him be less than responsive in helping you. It’s just more rejection you would have to deal with.
I also agree with Kanya, that whatever this new woman is for him, I highly doubt it will last. They have to figure that out though. The more you give them space to do that, the better. In the meantime, it’s crucial that you really up the self-love. What kinds of things can you do to take care of yourself right now? DO ALL OF THEM ALL THE TIME! Connect a lot with friends right now. Connect with family more, if you can. Your poor spirit needs some nurture and that needs to be your main focus right now.
Heidi
Hi Stephanie,
I want to really coach you through this and help you understand the gravity of your situation. Remember how I said the more “light” you are compared to his “dark” the more it will repel him? I want to talk about this again and show you a different way to be with / around him. So when he mentions a problem or challenge or feelings he is having, I want to invite you to really BE with him in those feelings. You keep saying that you love him and will always be by his side….you are trying to “solve” his pain by saying things like that because YOU are struggling watching him hurt. So if you can just “fix” how he is feeling by your love and support, it will help him not feel bad. Again..he is DEPRESSED!!! The more you say I love you, the more it will make him feel how much he doesn’t feel. HE CANNOT RECEIVE IT right now….he is so shut down and he can’t connect to his love for you. It doesn’t mean it’s not there….it just means that other things are occupying his heart right now. So when he says something about how he is feeling, you want to have your FRIEND hat on. As a friend, you are not concerned with whether or not he loves you. You are just focused on being a good listener. These are the steps you want to MASTER in order to be a good friend.
1. LISTEN AND ASK QUESTIONS: Listening is the VERY VERY VERY first thing you want to do. NO PROBLEM SOLVING ALLOWED!!! DO NOT OFFER OPINIONS OR ADVICE in this step. Just listen. Get curious about EVERYTHING he says. That means asking him a lot of questions! So for example, when he asked you “would you be civil if we ended up splitting up?” The very first thing I would do is NOT REACT!!! Keep calm and get curious about that question and understand where that question is coming from. That question was a beautiful window into some thoughts he is having….and he is having them enough that he is asking you about it. So a good response would be, “Wow….you know that is an interesting question…and you know what…that’s actually a really good question to ask. I actually don’t know. In this moment, I would like to think that I would be very civil. I would like to think that I am the kind of person that is able to be kind even though I am hurting. But to be honest, I really wouldn’t know until I was in the moment. What I do know is that I love you with every cell in my being and to lose you, would mean I would go through a lot of pain. I do know that people can get very mean when they are hurting enough. So to be honest, I really would like to be civil, but I also know that I may be hurting so much that I don’t know what I would be like. What do you think you would be like? You obviously have been thinking about this a lot and that’s okay. I imagine that can’t feel good for you to be thinking that way. Maybe you have these thoughts because you think it’s the best way to not hurt us anymore. Is that what you are feeling?” This is actually THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU COULD EVER DO FOR HIM!
2. Step 2 is to VALIDATE: Again….NO PROBLEM SOLVING with your I love you’s and I’ll always be there for you. Those things are good to say at other times, but just for right now, this is more important for him. He has NO ONE TO TALK to, so YOU NEED TO GET HIM TALKING TO YOU!!!! So when he talks about how painful the house is, after listening first and asking him more questions about it, like “give me examples of what hurts for you to see. What does it make you feel like? Sad? Depressed? How long have you felt this way? Does it make your mood worse after you leave here?” Then you head into validation: Ya…I can see how all of this stuff can trigger you like that. I know how hard breaking off the wedding was for you. Seeing all of what we “used” to be is hard for me sometimes too. It’s a lot to take in. When you say, “all of it is just stuff and let’s just get a new place etc.” you instantly went into problem solving mode and that’s actually NOT what he needs right now. His head is barely above the water so he needs support and validation FIRST…..THEN you head into problem solving.
I completely and totally understand your need to fix. Even though I know better, I still do that sometimes. It really is because I am the one uncomfortable with how the person is feeling, so if I can just “fix” it, then we all get to be okay again. Sometimes it’s okay to do that…but in your particular case, this approach won’t work with someone who is that depressed. You want to be his best friend. You want to create a safe space for him to open up and completely and be honest and have you listen and validate what he is feeling. You will be AMAZED at how much closer than can bring someone. It’s very, very powerful! In your listening and validating, you will get A LOT more information about what is really going on for him. I have no doubt that whatever is inside of him, has nothing to do with you guys becoming distant the past few months. That is just the trigger. It is NOT the reason for all of his feelings. I’m going to burst your bubble, but even if you had stayed connected through the process, or even if you weren’t planning the wedding, whatever is happening for him right now would have eventually shown up, one way or the other. His tank is completely full and he is bursting!!! Again, this is the consequence of him staying silent, keeping all his feelings inside for many, many years! He has never dealt with anything in his life, so planning the wedding was just the icing on the cake. If it wasn’t planning the wedding, it would have been something else…maybe 5 years down the road, maybe a few months post wedding. Who knows! I am saying this because he is having a HUUUUUGE reaction…major, major depression. This level of depression is telling me that he has A LOT going on inside his head and it’s been there A LONG time. Yes…disappointing you is in there, but so is his sister’s death and a gazillion other things he buried. I have no doubt he still loves you…it’s just buried underneath all of the pain and depression. Depressed people live in a very gray world. They don’t feel anything except heavy. They can’t feel love. When he is seeing you be playful with your kids, he is not thinking, what a beautiful site…he is feeling the loss of himself. He is feeling what a bad person he is that he can’t join you guys. He is watching you laugh and very aware that he can’t laugh right now. So instead of it being a happy moment for him, it would just cause him to feel more depressed because he can’t be that. When you asked him to go have some fun and just let loose, again…it would remind him that he can’t. He is just not able to do that right now and so now…here is again disappointing you because he can’t just go be happy and let go. True clinical depression, means their brain chemistry has changed. What happens is..someone will be depressed for awhile and then once they are depressed long enough, the brain chemistry will change. It’s at that point, when the brain chemistry has changed, that they REALLY need some help. They need some medicine because they are too far gone in their brains. It’s definitely something that can be changed over time, so medicine can be a wonderful help until they can get back on their feet. I have no idea if he is at this point or not, but seeing a psychiatrist might be one of the best things he can do at the moment.
Lastly, I do want to mention something. It is very possible he is having suicidal thoughts. Don’t be afraid of this though. It’s a normal thing for people who are this depressed. It doesn’t mean they will follow through with it, it just means they are wanting out of pain and are feeling very hopeless about getting out of pain. That’s why I am really wanting you to get curious and listen to him. I personally would just ask him straight up. DOn’t be afraid of the answer though. I would say something like, “You know, I can see how much you are struggling. I can see how much pain you are in and how many tears you have inside. I don’t understand all of it and that’s okay. I do know though, that if I were in that much pain all of the time, I would want to stop feeling it. I might even want to just leave this earth. Do you feel that way at all?” Again…create a space for him to be honest and open, so just listening and asking questions, WITHOUT fear, will help him. What you also want to get an idea about is how much of a plan he might already have. So you can even talk about, “I think if I were to leave this earth, I would probably pick using a gun. It would be fast and easy. Do you know how you would do it?” The more detail he has about how he would do it, the more he has thought about it. So find a way to get into conversation about this with him. The sooner you can get him talking and opening up, the less he will sink. He is carrying a million pounds around right now ALL BY HIMSELF! Maybe if he can unload some of it by talking with you, it can help. After talking about it, go look for a psychiatrist. Maybe a week later or so, give him the contact information…give him a few people to choose from and keep him talking!
I know I just unloaded a TON of information on you. I hopefully did not scare you too much. I don’t want to do that, but I also want you to be aware of the magnitude of what you are dealing with. Forget about whether or not he still loves you. Forget about your relationship right now. Focus entirely on HIM and getting his head above water, because he is slowly sinking and he isn’t reaching out for help. You seem to be the only one he stays connected to and whom he gives little bits of information to. For right now, it’s all about him and not you. For right now, help him get back onto his feet and once he recovers, THEN you guys can work on healing your relationship.
My heart just goes out to you! I want to help you through this and I hope that what I am saying is giving you some new skills that will work for him. Please stay in touch…even if it’s every day! WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!! SO even if you just vent, be sad, be angry…whatever, this is a safe place for you to come and be heard and helped. Allow yourself to have some support because you can’t do this alone. Your kids need you, your guy needs you AND you cannot be there for anybody if you are not taking care of yourself. So it’s time for you to start fighting for yourself! You won’t be able to help anyone from a hospital bed!!!! So keep being playful, keep connecting with your children, go have some fun whenever you can. This is a very intense time and you need to give yourself some breaks from it all, so you can keep handling the intensity!
Heidi
Hi Danielle!
GREAT PLANS!!! I love your willingness to focus on helping him through this time as well as helping yourself. You are doing such a wonderful job! Go enjoy that party and go have some good times, as friends. He will definitely feel the difference in the you, whether he mentions it or not.
If he does contact you and ask why you are not contacting him, just keep it super simple. 1 to 2 sentences at the most. “You asked me not to pressure you. So I’m finally listening and want to honor your requests.”
If he doesn’t contact you, don’t worry! You have a GREAT weekend planned together and you guys are going to have a good time together!!!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Great to hear from you!!! I’m sorry nothing has changed for you quite yet.
To be honest, a person’s upper limit is really up to them to take care of. If he has an inherent mis-trust with women, that will ALWAYS be there, no matter what you do or say. HE has to work on that mis-trust himself. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink…and that really applies here. You can be wonderful and do everything you possibly can, but when it comes down to it, he has to be willing to face his fears and forgive his ex wife and forgive himself. If he is not willing to take that journey, then he will NOT be available for any woman. I imagine it probably would be easier if you guys lived in the same town. Being so far apart, it can definitely add to his inability to trust ANYONE. I’m glad he at least recognizes his fear. Many people don’t even get that far, so it’s a good start for him.
Many times, what can inspire someone to face their fears and low self esteem is a strong connection with someone. That connection (well actually the loss of that connection due to not facing the original fear) can actually put them in a lot of pain and fear, that ends up being BIGGER than the fear to deal with their demons. It sounds like you guys had that kind of connection, but the distance really killed it. Does this make sense at all?
I just want to ask, as it is a possibility….do you have any inkling that he might be dating someone there?
As far as the Secret Obsession techniques working in your situation, nothing can work if the person on the other end won’t communicate with you. All of these techniques have potential to shift situations around, but BOTH people have to be connected and open and talking to each other.
How long has it been since you guys communicated now?
Heidi
Hi Hannah!
What WONDERFUL realizations you have had about yourself! Thank you for sharing them! I’m so glad you understand the importance of these concepts and I’m excited for you to try them out and see what happens! It’s a quick and easy fix once you understand how to implement them and why they are important.
he really is concerned about his job. He asked a valid question though. Do you feel okay dating a guy who is un-employed?? That’s an important question to really consider as that actually may happen.
When is your date? What are you guys doing??
Keep us updated please!!!
Heidi
Hi Sylvia,
I’m a little confused. Are you saying that he is no longer talking with you? Is his mother there? Does he live with her or is she visiting?
How long have you guys been dating?
Lastly, I want to encourage you to take a step back for a minute. Just because you do everything “right” doesn’t guarantee things will work out. It’s just the nature of the relationships and dating….VERY UNPREDICTABLE….especially in the beginning. There are many, many factors involved in the success and failure of a relationship. Doing everything “right” just means you can add to the success, but it’s really just a small piece to the equation. If he all of a sudden isn’t responding for some reason, it’s on HIM, not you. It’s HIS choice to behave this way. Even if you did something “wrong” it still is a grown up thing to do to talk about it, instead of completely disconnecting…AND…it’s okay if you mess up! It’s inevitable and if someone you are dating doesn’t have that kind of tolerance for normal human mistakes, then your relationship would never work anyways.
So…no matter what has happened and the reasons for it, you are doing the very best you know how and that is enough.
Answer the questions above and then we can experiment with different things to try and see if he will connect again.
Heidi
Hi Keia,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. It does sound like you need some deeper, more personal work and your that is what your therapist is definitely for. We wish you the very best on your journey and self discovery. It can be painful sometimes, but well worth the end result!!!
If you continue to stay connected here, we would definitely love to hear any updates you are willing to share!
heidi
Hi Mekisha!
WELCOME!!! Thank you for sharing your struggles and for your honesty. There is NOTHING to be embarrassed about. You are asking some wonderful and very powerful questions!!!
I have a lot to say about your questions as there are many, many layers to this particular type of topic. So stay with us as we walk you through this. It’s going to take some time.
I just want to start you with inviting you to explore whether or not it is a “core” value for either of you…to function how you do…and to what extent.
Let’s break this down. Dependent personalities are the people that “meet the needs of others at the expense of themselves.” Narcissistic, being the opposite, is “meeting the needs of themselves at the expense of others.” Now….BOTH characteristics are important to have and function wonderfully in a relationship as long as they stay within a range. If someone becomes more narcissistic or dependent and go out of range to where it is becoming dysfunctional, then that’s when things need to be looked at.
You guys can really complement each other with your differences as long as BOTH of you are willing to look at your choices honestly. So people who tend to be out of range with either characteristic, it is a function of woundedness that is driving it. So your heart and need to help people could definitely be coming from a place of some of your baggage from your past and same for him too. You BOTH are being triggered by each other’s choices. You guys are definitely fundamentally different, which is okay! It’s just that now, you both are sooooo far apart that it is causing major disconnect.
So let’s just look at your side of things for a moment. Whenever I deal with people who tends towards behaving dependently (meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself), I really look at, to what degree? So the first thing I want you to do is to look at your daily life. How much of it is spent caring about/for others and how much is spent caring about/for yourself? Do you say yes more often than no? Do you say yes many times even though you really want to say no? Here is a VERY IMPORTANT thing to REALLY look at, so take some time and notice how you are feeling when you help others: Why do you help them? Here are 2 MAIN reasons why dependent type of people helps others
1. You are so uncomfortable with pain and discomfort – whether your own or someone else’s. Let me explain a bit. It means that you would be VERY uncomfortable with disappointing someone else. You have little to no tolerance letting someone down/disappointing them or letting someone struggle. You would have a very high need to rescue whomever you are helping, from their pain and challenges in life. You can’t stand that feeling, so you spend your life rescuing (helping) others from their challenges, at the expense of yourself and your husband. It makes you feel better. It makes you feel like you are ending someone’s “pain and discomfort” and that makes you feel good! Does this feel accurate for you at all on any level?
2. It defines who you are. It is at your very core nature to help and care for people. You have a GIANT heart. It’s a beautiful thing AND it can also harm you. You grew up stepping into the role of caretaker somehow. You grew up too early and didn’t really get to have a normal kid’s life and it ended up defining your purpose and value. It is so engrained in you that you don’t know who you are unless you are helping someone. I call it the “winning formula.” For me personally, I am a natural born teacher. I LOOOOOVE teaching and have a TON of information to pass onto people. When I was younger, especially in the dating world, it was what caught all the guy’s attention. I was a good teacher AND I had a lot of information to share. I would always hear, “I’ve never met anyone like you before.” My teaching and knowledge / passion for learning the deeper side of life, is what “made me valuable.” I REALLY noticed it when one of my ex boyfriends connected with me again after 10 years and he was a completely different person. He was soooo smart and knew everything I had already known and had a different perspective as well. It was WONDERFUL!!! I do remember however, that after talking with him on the phone a few times, I asked myself, “What value can you bring to HIS life?” I felt like I had NOTHING to teach him, therefore I wasn’t going to be interesting or hold his attention. FASCINATING!!!! and major wake up call! Ever since that moment, I began to work on that belief. Remember…our greatest strengths are also our greatest weaknesses. And that’s what sounds like has happened for the both of you. Your great strength of a caring heart has turned into a weakness and his great strength of caring for himself, money management and having a strong practical side, has turned into a weakness as well….and so now you guys are at a point of breaking.
So I’m going to stop there and let you mull this over a bit. Let me know what resonates with you, what doesn’t and any of your thoughts about this and then we can go from there!!!
I cannot guarantee that this is fixable. It is going to take BOTH of you working on the dysfunction as BOTH of you are contributing. All YOU can do, is begin to connect to yourself and work towards balance (not change your caring heart, but learn to be more discerning) and hopefully he will join you in that journey.
Heidi
