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Hi Hannah!
What WONDERFUL realizations you have had about yourself! Thank you for sharing them! I’m so glad you understand the importance of these concepts and I’m excited for you to try them out and see what happens! It’s a quick and easy fix once you understand how to implement them and why they are important.
he really is concerned about his job. He asked a valid question though. Do you feel okay dating a guy who is un-employed?? That’s an important question to really consider as that actually may happen.
When is your date? What are you guys doing??
Keep us updated please!!!
Heidi
Hi Sylvia,
I’m a little confused. Are you saying that he is no longer talking with you? Is his mother there? Does he live with her or is she visiting?
How long have you guys been dating?
Lastly, I want to encourage you to take a step back for a minute. Just because you do everything “right” doesn’t guarantee things will work out. It’s just the nature of the relationships and dating….VERY UNPREDICTABLE….especially in the beginning. There are many, many factors involved in the success and failure of a relationship. Doing everything “right” just means you can add to the success, but it’s really just a small piece to the equation. If he all of a sudden isn’t responding for some reason, it’s on HIM, not you. It’s HIS choice to behave this way. Even if you did something “wrong” it still is a grown up thing to do to talk about it, instead of completely disconnecting…AND…it’s okay if you mess up! It’s inevitable and if someone you are dating doesn’t have that kind of tolerance for normal human mistakes, then your relationship would never work anyways.
So…no matter what has happened and the reasons for it, you are doing the very best you know how and that is enough.
Answer the questions above and then we can experiment with different things to try and see if he will connect again.
Heidi
Hi Keia,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. It does sound like you need some deeper, more personal work and your that is what your therapist is definitely for. We wish you the very best on your journey and self discovery. It can be painful sometimes, but well worth the end result!!!
If you continue to stay connected here, we would definitely love to hear any updates you are willing to share!
heidi
Hi Mekisha!
WELCOME!!! Thank you for sharing your struggles and for your honesty. There is NOTHING to be embarrassed about. You are asking some wonderful and very powerful questions!!!
I have a lot to say about your questions as there are many, many layers to this particular type of topic. So stay with us as we walk you through this. It’s going to take some time.
I just want to start you with inviting you to explore whether or not it is a “core” value for either of you…to function how you do…and to what extent.
Let’s break this down. Dependent personalities are the people that “meet the needs of others at the expense of themselves.” Narcissistic, being the opposite, is “meeting the needs of themselves at the expense of others.” Now….BOTH characteristics are important to have and function wonderfully in a relationship as long as they stay within a range. If someone becomes more narcissistic or dependent and go out of range to where it is becoming dysfunctional, then that’s when things need to be looked at.
You guys can really complement each other with your differences as long as BOTH of you are willing to look at your choices honestly. So people who tend to be out of range with either characteristic, it is a function of woundedness that is driving it. So your heart and need to help people could definitely be coming from a place of some of your baggage from your past and same for him too. You BOTH are being triggered by each other’s choices. You guys are definitely fundamentally different, which is okay! It’s just that now, you both are sooooo far apart that it is causing major disconnect.
So let’s just look at your side of things for a moment. Whenever I deal with people who tends towards behaving dependently (meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself), I really look at, to what degree? So the first thing I want you to do is to look at your daily life. How much of it is spent caring about/for others and how much is spent caring about/for yourself? Do you say yes more often than no? Do you say yes many times even though you really want to say no? Here is a VERY IMPORTANT thing to REALLY look at, so take some time and notice how you are feeling when you help others: Why do you help them? Here are 2 MAIN reasons why dependent type of people helps others
1. You are so uncomfortable with pain and discomfort – whether your own or someone else’s. Let me explain a bit. It means that you would be VERY uncomfortable with disappointing someone else. You have little to no tolerance letting someone down/disappointing them or letting someone struggle. You would have a very high need to rescue whomever you are helping, from their pain and challenges in life. You can’t stand that feeling, so you spend your life rescuing (helping) others from their challenges, at the expense of yourself and your husband. It makes you feel better. It makes you feel like you are ending someone’s “pain and discomfort” and that makes you feel good! Does this feel accurate for you at all on any level?
2. It defines who you are. It is at your very core nature to help and care for people. You have a GIANT heart. It’s a beautiful thing AND it can also harm you. You grew up stepping into the role of caretaker somehow. You grew up too early and didn’t really get to have a normal kid’s life and it ended up defining your purpose and value. It is so engrained in you that you don’t know who you are unless you are helping someone. I call it the “winning formula.” For me personally, I am a natural born teacher. I LOOOOOVE teaching and have a TON of information to pass onto people. When I was younger, especially in the dating world, it was what caught all the guy’s attention. I was a good teacher AND I had a lot of information to share. I would always hear, “I’ve never met anyone like you before.” My teaching and knowledge / passion for learning the deeper side of life, is what “made me valuable.” I REALLY noticed it when one of my ex boyfriends connected with me again after 10 years and he was a completely different person. He was soooo smart and knew everything I had already known and had a different perspective as well. It was WONDERFUL!!! I do remember however, that after talking with him on the phone a few times, I asked myself, “What value can you bring to HIS life?” I felt like I had NOTHING to teach him, therefore I wasn’t going to be interesting or hold his attention. FASCINATING!!!! and major wake up call! Ever since that moment, I began to work on that belief. Remember…our greatest strengths are also our greatest weaknesses. And that’s what sounds like has happened for the both of you. Your great strength of a caring heart has turned into a weakness and his great strength of caring for himself, money management and having a strong practical side, has turned into a weakness as well….and so now you guys are at a point of breaking.
So I’m going to stop there and let you mull this over a bit. Let me know what resonates with you, what doesn’t and any of your thoughts about this and then we can go from there!!!
I cannot guarantee that this is fixable. It is going to take BOTH of you working on the dysfunction as BOTH of you are contributing. All YOU can do, is begin to connect to yourself and work towards balance (not change your caring heart, but learn to be more discerning) and hopefully he will join you in that journey.
Heidi
Hi Hannah!
Thanks for joining us and sharing your story!!! It definitely is beyond frustrating to have a connection with someone and then have them pull away.
There is something that is important for you to understand first, before we move forward. Men, at their VERY CORE, get a lot of self-esteem from their abilities to “produce.” I have found this over and over and over again…if a guy doesn’t have his job squared away, or has the ability to “provide” for his ideal family, they are TERRIBLE at relationship….especially if it’s a new relationship. 100% of my personal experiences have been exactly that…I meet the guy…strong connection…job life / money life is a mess…they disconnect and go into “work” mode. They became entirely unavailable….not to their friends though…that’s a completely different category. They don’t “need” to be anything with their friends. They can relax and just be themselves. They don’t have to “provide” for their friends…they have to “provide” for the girl. I am even wondering if he has enough money to take you on a date. Do you know?
With all of that being said….him pulling away was NOT YOUR FAULT! You stated your needs, rightly so. Even though it may not have been done in the “perfect” way, it’s okay! I’m not sure he would have the tolerance to feel like he is disappointing you….no matter how you said it. And if what you said was a trigger from his last relationship….you are getting a BIG window into the patterns this guy has.
How long ago was his last relationship? Do you know why they broke up? How long were they together? I definitely would like to just caution you. I know everything felt great in the beginning, but you are getting some insight into who he is when he is stressed. He will ALWAYS have work stress show up for the rest of his life. You are getting a front seat view as to what he does when work stress shows up. He is not going to change. Are you willing to have this same exact conversation 10 years from now? Or are you willing to let this go, accept him for who he is and let go of your need to connect?Of course you would do sexting with him. You are starving for connection and you, of course, would also hope something like that would pull him back into connecting with you..you got a dose of connection with him and it would feel soooo wonderful after having barely anything. Who knows if he was using you or not. In all honesty, probably. You guys just met and already you are having troubles. He is barely communicating with you…and then all of a sudden he connects through sexual energy? He has barely invested in this relationship, so his sexting with you would have very little substance / foundation to it. There hasn’t been enough time together to build any of that….so that’s where “lust” is more the common feeling vs. a deeper meaning / connection. Of course he can get porn, but nothing is better than the real thing. He gets to make YOU react vs. being the only player in the game of watching porn. It’s much more powerful to have an exchange. I imagine he hasn’t been very connective afterwards. Is he going back into the same pattern or has be become more responsive?
I’ve said quite a few different things. How does all of it hit you? THoughts?
Heidi
Hi Diane,
Of course this is sooooo hard! You are in love and the man you love is not reciprocating and it feels like he is throwing away the relationship. From the way I see it, he is choosing himself over you….which is important. He is not relationship ready and he needs some time to get his head on straight. Unfortunately, it has not been a very graceful process which just makes all of this much more hurtful.
Instead of thinking of it as you “abandoning” him, maybe think of it as you “choosing yourself over him.” Choosing yourself over someone else when there is a lot of hurtful things happening, is a HEALTHY thing. You are loving yourself. The moment you choose him over yourself, you are “abandoning” yourself! The moment you abandon yourself, that’s the moment you have lost yourself and made the other person more important. When you love someone, you don’t take yourself out of the equation. Love means you love him AND yourself. If you cannot do both, then that is not a good sign….and that’s where you are at right now. Loving him and holding onto the idea of a relationship with him means you have to abandon yourself. That will never last long term.
So choosing yourself right now is a HEALTHY choice. Should he come back around at some point, you can deal with it at that time. For right now, deal with the present. Thinking about the future is what gets people in trouble. Stay present and deal with the information you have RIGHT NOW.
I understand that it’s confusing that someone can love you and keep you at a distance at the very time. When people are split like that…meaning they have 2 different feelings about someone, that is always a sign of something much deeper going on. I know you are trying to make sense of all of this. Give yourself some rest. Have compassion for yourself. Instead of trying to figure him out, focus your attention on yourself. You have been in scarcity and the only one who can start to fill you back up is YOU! It’s time to say goodbye to him and hello to yourself. You deserve to be loved and cared for Diane and that responsibility rests on you.
So what kinds of things can you do right now that are loving for yourself? What kinds of things can you do that fill up your soul bank??
I want to finish by saying well done. You have reached out for help here. We can only offer guidance and the rest is up to you. You are taking what we are saying and absorbing it and putting it into practice. There is NOTHING easy about that! I am very, very proud of your choices and how you are handling all of this. Keep going. You are not quite out of the woods yet, but you will be….one step at a time. You can do this!!!
Heidi
Great Danielle! It sounds like a good plan for the moment. Right now, that’s what we need to stay focused on…the present moment and day to day vs. guessing the future.
As far as not talking about the relationship, it’s VERY important to really hear what he is saying. He is getting help and has someone to help him work through this. Your job is just to be his friend. If he is asking you to NOT talk about the relationship and you are anyways, it’s not respectful of his boundaries at the moment. The more you respect his boundaries, the more he will feel safe with you. Every time you ignore what he is asking, it verifies some of the struggles he may be feeling. Trust is VERY important in a relationship, so he needs to TRUST that you will respect his boundaries. He needs to TRUST that you can be okay without him. The more you push, the more he will feel your desperation and that is a quality that is NOT attractive to men. Being desperate comes across as being helpless and that is NOT WHAT YOU ARE!
So do another experiment the next time you see him. DO NOT say I love you, DO NOT talk about the relationship, DO NOT bring up the other girl. I know I have told you this before, but I really want you to commit to that just for the next visit. You will have 1 week of no contact and then 1 visit with him where you don’t talk about any relationship stuff. He may ask what is wrong….if he does, you respond by saying, “I really heard you. You don’t want to feel pressure from me and I haven’t been very respectful of that and I need to be….so I’m giving you space like you have requested.”
What do you think about this plan??? Hang in there! Remember…just one day at a time…that’s all you need to focus on right now!
Heidi
Hi Danielle,
I’m glad you are grasping onto the concept of being in the driver’s seat. I know how hard this is for you. Your patience is putting money into the relationship bank. The less you are patient and the more you push, it’s like withdrawing money from the relationship bank. I think it is a really good idea to give him some space. He is setting boundaries and letting you know what he needs, so it’s important that you honor that.
Again, your focus has entirely been on “fixing” yourself so he will return home. This is not all your fault. He is making choices as well because of what is going on inside of him….completely separate than you. So you can do all you wan to try to show him how different you are, but that is only PART of the equation here. He is doing a good thing to not make any sudden changes right now and talking to his therapist first. It’s important that whatever he decides, he needs to feel like he is making that decision in a smart, clear way instead of giving into the pressure you are putting on him. So go 1 day at a time. I would suggest to go for 1 week of not pressuring him, not contacting him and letting him feel his life without you in it. See what happens!
As far as all his mixed messages and what he is saying….he is so confused right now, so trying to decipher what all of it means is pointless. He will say and do 1 thing that may be true for him in the moment, and then the next moment it will be different. It’s very confusing because he is confused. Maybe consider not reading into all of it so much??? He is hot and cold at any given moment which makes him unpredictable and unstable. Until he gets his feet under him, until he figures himself out more, until he does more work with his therapist to create a clear picture of what he wants….let all of what he says go! Once he starts showing up in a consistent way, where his actions and his words match and where he shows up more and more in the same exact way….THEN you can listen to what he is saying. You will have gray hair in a month trying to figure this guy out. It’s not your job. He is getting the help he needs. Let HIM figure this out and again, you focus on yourself.
I know this is hard for you, because you want to fix everything. The gift in this for you, is learning to keep your hands out of HIS mess and having some patience and facing your fears. This is a very important skillset to learn if you are going to be a better partner for him!
Thoughts???
Heidi
Thank you for sharing Peggy! Being hopeless is very common these days when it comes to finding the kind of love someone really wants. I thinks that’s why so many people end up settling. There is a lack of patience, tolerance and the ability to be alone during the journey. Your story is so wonderful!!! I hope many of the ladies on here read about it!!!
How are things going???
Heidi
Hi Peggy!
Hahaha! What a fun first date!!! Goodness! A bit of a rocky start, but those sometimes turn out the best!
I am sooooo so glad you are here to share all of this with us. I have found that people who have climbed out of the pit of hopelessness and suicide can actually turn out to be the happiest people ever because of what they had to face. You were in such darkness, that you now have an appreciation for the light that will be much deeper than most because of what you have done to get there. Well done! I am so excited for you and all of the possibilities ahead. The world is a better place because you stayed in it!! We need more warriors like you!
Heidi
Hi Kim!
That’s wonderful that he sent you some pics. I know it’s hard to feel less connective with your guy. Each person is so different with communication on vacations. You are getting to know what he is like right now in a new way. Stay in curiosity mode vs. making up a story about what is happening or could happen.
It sounds like he has quite a bit of low self esteem about himself. May I suggest to say something different that could be more powerful for him? Instead of saying, you are pleased and satisfied etc. you can validate what he is feeling. A best friend is someone who sees and acknowledges all of your faults and still chooses you. So maybe say in response like, “Yes…you are high maintenance. I know that I will have to be on your ass like glue trying to get you to eat healthy and exercise. I know that you are lazy sometimes. I know that you are freaked out about sexual performance. I see all of that. And I know more and more things will show up as I get to know you better. There is nothing that I see that makes me want to move away from you. You are human and just have limitations like the rest of us. What makes me stick around is how you make me laugh, how romantic you are, how honest you are and every time I see you smile I get butterflies. I’m happy with you….ALL of you!” And I would also suggest to stay away from saying anything like “I will never leave you or I”m not going anywhere.” Those kinds of things you cannot promise. Life happens, things shift and he, more than anyone knows that in a split second, you could be gone….even if it is death….even if it is something you have no control over. So try to say things that you know you can follow through on. When he is sharing his fears like that, he is talking about the future. Bring him out of the future and into the present moment by reminding him, “I am here now and that is all we have. Right now, I choose you. Right now, I love being around you. Right now, I am happy with you.” People who have had loss due to death, especially unexpected ones, there is a very strong fear of the future, knowing they could lose someone again. Does this make sense???
As far as him calling her his wife…it sounds like he still has come stuck emotions about that experience. Do you know if he ever got any professional help for grieving?? He still needs to honor her and what she meant to him. That doesn’t mean he can’t honor you, but there definitely would be a part of him that is going to struggle moving forward or getting close to someone else, as he will have the fear of “replacing” her. Hopefully he will face that fear instead of run from it. Love is like a tree. It has many branches that grow and die off over a lifetime. His wife died, but he still trying to keep that branch alive in his heart. He has a new budding branch that represents you and most likely in his mind, will compete with the branch representing his wife. I imagine you scare him on some level…and may not even realize it….or maybe he does. Either way…this guy is gonna go slow and you will need quite a bit of patience with him. Even though his wife died 8 years ago, she is still very much alive in his heart.
Does this all help a little?
Heidi
Hi Danielle!!
Let’s talk about your fear for a second. First, if you understand that fear stands for: False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear = many lies. Fear cannot exist without lies that we give authority to. Fear can be only as powerful as we let it be. If fear is in the driver’s seat, it clouds our thinking, our decision making, it contributes to anxiety, it creates this “What if” story that is horrible! You are letting it control all of your thinking and that DEFINITELY influences the situation!!!
I’d like to invite you to face that fear. I’m not saying that your fear will go away, as we all have fears. It’s more about putting fear in the back seat and YOU being in the driver’s seat controlling your story. So for example, your fear is the driver’s seat is “I’m not going to be okay if he doesn’t come back to me. I am going to hurt and fall apart and I don’t know what I will do if I lose the love of my life.” And a story like that will keep replaying over and over and over again!!!
So it’s time to create a different story, where YOU are in the driver’s seat and you are taking control of your life. So you being in the driver’s seat, you would say, “If he doesn’t come back, I will hurt AND I will be okay. I am more than my fear of losing him. I will have life after him, if he decides not to come home.” Do you see the difference???
When fear is in the driver’s seat, you stay at very low energy levels. When YOU get into the driver’s seat, your energy levels come up, you will feel more peaceful and confident and the situation isn’t as scary. You will be much more comfortable inside of yourself. I sometimes have had to say certain phrases hundreds of times because it was a HUGE fear I was dealing with. Every time that fear comes up, you put it in the back seat and repeat over and over again, THE TRUTH! You will be okay, no matter what happens. If you don’t that about yourself, then it’s time to start connecting to that inner strength.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Oh man Evelyn!
This is quite messy! She sounds like an extremely difficult person and obviously quite manipulative on many, many levels. It doesn’t sound like he knows his own power with her. Meaning, she is such a strong personality and knows how to activate his low self esteem, the guilt, the shame and how to play on his good-hearted nature.
The thing is Evelyn, he is not a victim of her. He is CHOOSING to participate. He obviously has a TON of baggage he is carrying around and part of that baggage is her. He invited her into his life and is still continuing to do so, so if you guys don’t end up working out, IT IS HIS CHOICE AND NOT HERS! She does not have the power to ruin anything unless someone lets her. You are not competing against her. Your guy is unresolved and all that low self esteem is just keeping him connected to her. The shame and guilt must be really big for him to stay around and try to “make things right.”
Again, your situation is VERY dynamic and much more than just simply saying something or activating his hero instinct. You are dealing with someone who is CHOOSING and abusive relationship. He has some major low self esteem that would keep him involved in a situation like that. Again, this woman cannot ruin your relationship. Only he can. The more angry you become about her, the less you are missing out on the REAL issues here.
FOCUS ON HIM! Do not give her ANY of your energy. Focus on building him up. Focus on being his best friend. Focus on you being the light he connect into to remind him and give him contrast to the dark. He is struggling right now and has really lost himself. Sometimes that is what people need to go through in order to find themselves and become stronger. This may be really important for him so he can finally leave her far behind, once and for all. This is something he needs to go through!!!! I am so sorry it is at the expense of you. That hurts and there is no way around that. It’s not about you though. You are enough and have been really wonderful to him. He needs that!!!
Does this make sense??
Heidi
HI Evelyn,
I am so sorry! This is such a horrible feeling for you. It sounds like they both still have some things to work through first. AS long as she is in the picture and he is not completely resolved about leaving her and the kids, you will always be in limbo. This is not an issue about you. This is an issue about HIM and creating closure.
I know you want him to fight for you. This situation is not about you “doing” something to catch his attention. This is a situation where HE really needs to deal with his feelings inside about failing as a father and as a partner. Sometimes that feeling of failure is SO INTENSE that they keep trying to NOT feel that failure by making something work, even though they are miserable. Maybe this is what he is doing. No matter his reasons, he needs to come back to you by his own choice and not because of anything you have said or done. If he comes back to you again, still un-resolved, there is a risk of him leaving again.
For right now, he needs to figure this out. He needs to be miserable enough to say goodbye to that “family” unit and really create an ending that he feels solid about. Right now, it doesn’t sound like that is true.
For right now, it’s important for you to take really good care of yourself. Your heart is broken and needs to be cared about, and you are the only one who can do that. Do you have a good support system? Friends to talk with?
Are you guys still communicating at all? Texting, talking? Or is communication completely cut off? If you guys are still talking, it would be a really good time to focus on developing your friendship together.
Heidi
Hi Stephanie,
He definitely is in a dark place right now. I am wondering what he thinks he has done that is so horrible. I am wondering if he is keeping something from you and everybody….something he isn’t telling anyone….it could be something he did in college or as a kid…I know you are only telling me part of the story, but the little you are telling me feels very much like he is punishing himself….do you know what for???
He needs help. Do you think he would be willing to see a professional? He needs it ASAP!!! He is feeling very hopeless right now and heading / living in a deep, dark hole. Canceling the wedding has NOTHING to do with you in particular….it has to do with whatever story he has going on inside his head.
You are saying some amazing things to him, BUT….they are things he is not able to absorb, therefore he won’t hear it. You know how when you first wake up in the morning, if you turn the lights on right away, it hurts the eyes? It’s too much light when your eyes have just spent 8 hours in darkness. That’s what your positivity is like for him. He feels so much darkness that your light would be something he would try to avoid or absorb. You saying all those AMAZING things to him is SOOOOOOOO far away from what he feels about himself. You also want to avoid saying things like, “don’t feel……” A person cannot help how they feel. So telling him not to feel guilty is telling him he shouldn’t be feeling how he is….when that isn’t true. He needs to feel what he is feeling if he is ever going to face what he has been avoiding for so long. So join him in his journey vs. trying to pull him out of it. The more you try to pull him out of that hole, the more you will create distance from him. You will get much further by JOINING him vs. trying to fix him.
So the best way to support him is to get closer to his level….a level that he can actually hear you and absorb what you are saying. So for example….If he were to say to me, “I don’t have faith in anything anymore and maybe evil is what needs to prevail because good hasn’t worked in so long.” I would say something to the affect of, “I know. You are going through a very dark time. I have no clue what you feel like, but I can only imagine that you must feel very alone. I get feeling hopeless. I have had many moments where I was faithless….and then somehow I was still breathing. Somehow, I found my way back. Somehow, even though evil prevails sometimes, the light still came back. I can’t fix whatever you are feeling. I can just stand next to you and love you, even though you think you don’t deserve it. And you’re right…you don’t deserve it. You have caused a lot of hurt, but you know what? I’m okay. I have hurt you and many people in my life as well. We all have a mile long list of horrible things we have done to cause pain in this world. I love you anyways. I do see your limitations. I see your depression. I see your hopelessness. I see the dark battle you are having right now. I love you anyways….” Does this context make sense??? You want to VALIDATE what he is feeling vs. telling him not to feel what he is feelings. You want to get really curious!!! GET HIM TALING to you. Ask him questions like, “what do you mean evil should prevail? That’s an interesting thought. I’ve thought that sometimes too. So if evil prevailed, what do you think your life would look like?”
I’ll stop there and let you digest all of this. PLEASE KEEP EATING!!! I understand it’s difficult. You are no different than him right now. You are BOTH battling an incredible amount of stress and crisis. You want him to fight for himself…well you need to fight for yourself too!!!!
Heidi
