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Peggy!!! You seriously crack me up! I love your attitude, I love your humor, I love your honesty!!! You really are just being yourself and really connecting to the wonderfulness that you are and it’s leaking our of your pores!!!
I sure hope you get to make love to your guy before your hip surgery!!! If not, that’s okay too….it will all happen in time and exactly when it’s supposed to happen. I’m so sorry about your hip! 5 surgeries is a lot!!! What happened???
Heidi
Hi Trina,
I am so so sorry about your childhood. It sounds like your mother never fully loved and accepted you JUST AS YOU ARE and of course that can create a lot of anxiety and depression!!! I am soooo happy to hear you are getting help!
I want to invite you to think about something. Many times, we tend to be attracted to and love someone who is similar to our parents because we are trying to feel better about how our parents mistreated us. We can think, “If I finally can make him happy, then I FINALLY am loveable.” For example, my father was a pretty yucky father. When I started dating and falling in love, I picked guys who treated me EXACTLY like my father. I was used to it and that is all I believed I deserved. As I grew old and realized what I was doing, I started to heal my broken heart caused by my father. Now….the kind of guys I date and the relationships I have are very healthy and I am treated very well! I finally believe that I deserve to be loved and accepted just as I am.
Do you see how the guy you are choosing to love treats you like your mother treats you? He is telling you everything that is wrong with you and he is telling you that YOU are the problem and that YOU need to change. Does that sound familiar? Does that feel familiar?
What I suggest for right now is to really work with your therapist to begin to heal your broken heart caused by your parents. It will help lessen the anxiety and depression.
AS far as your next conversation, I would recommend saying something like this, “I see that you are right about a lot of things that I could improve about myself. You are right that I need to fix some things. So I finally am doing it. I am seeing a therapist and I am very determined to start to feel better about myself and to make my dreams happen. It is going to take some time and I am okay with that.” Basically, you are just letting him know that you hear what he is saying and that you appreciate his honesty. You are going to take ACTION by seeing your therapist so that you can begin to feel better about yourself. Then see what he says! I do not suggest activating his hero instinct. There are dynamics about this situation right now that I am not seeing it be an effective tool to use at the moment. The thing is, he doesn’t need to feel like a hero with you. He needs to feel like he respects you. Have you read about the respect principle in this material??? I think that will help you more than anything!
He still has a lot of growing to do as well. The challenge is, he may continue to blame you for the problems, even as you begin to feel better about yourself and your life. When someone blames another, it’s because they don’t want to look at themselves. So ultimately, I do agree with Kanya when she talked about him not having qualities that can sustain a healthy relationship.
However, this is your path, your life, your design of how you want to feel each day. It doesn’t sound like you are willing quite yet to let him go….maybe you never want to do that and that’s okay! There is always something to learn about through our choices.
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Reka!
So glad you are joining us! You definitely do have a difficult situation and many complicated layers. I understand the power it has when you wake up to feelings you haven’t felt in soooo long! Of course you feel like a teenager!!! It’s quite normal.
I just have a few questions:
1. How long have you been dating now?
2. What do you imagine happening with this guy? Let’s say you do continue to move forward. Do you imagine getting your own place and moving out with your daughter? If so, do you imagine doing that alone or moving into a place with this new guy?
3. Do you plan on getting a divorce, even if it doesn’t work out with this guy?
4. What is his status? He says he is getting a divorce, but do you really know that? Where is he at in the divorce process? Are they still living together and that’s why you guys have to sneak around? Do you know why they are getting divorced? How long has he been married?
5. How do you think your husband will react when / if he finds out?As far as wanting to know him deeper, that will come in time. It comes from spending time together and creating memories together. I know you want to bond deeper and deeper and grow these feelings that you have for him and have his feelings grow for you. I just want to slow you down a bit. You guys don’t have that luxury to just keep bonding and bonding like you would if you were in a normal dating situation. There are major consequences you guys have ahead of you if keep getting closer and closer. I know how much that sucks. I know you just want the freedom to be with other and get to know each other WITHOUT the guilt.
I really want to encourage you to get very clear about what you want and need. Guilt is a very powerful and destructive emotion. How do you feel about making a plan that puts you back into alignment with your integrity? A relationship that has guilt and shame built into it’s foundation is bound for struggle and BIG challenge. I know you guys are in the honeymoon phase right now and it feels so wonderful! I would love for you both to be able to continue that process, but in a way that is uplifting for both of you, vs. being something you have to hide.
Even if it doesn’t workout with this guy long term, I would still love to see you create a life for yourself that is nourishing and energizing vs. destructive and draining. What is stopping you from creating a different design for yourself?
Heidi
Hi Evelyn,
Of course he doesn’t have any energy. Living in a situation like that can really drain someone from their life force. He can work but coming home and sleeping is also a safe way to not have to be criticized and beaten down by someone. He is so unhappy, so sleeping is a good escape. It is his system that is trying to survive his choice.
In response to what he is saying, you can just agree with him and validate him. Tell him that you miss him too. Tell him what you miss most about him and just leave it at that. He has to get into enough pain to start to fight for himself and make a different choice. Don’t try to rescue him from his choices. Just be there and listen and validate and that’s it. That’s what it means to be a good friend to him….being a good listener!
Does that make sense?
I want to agree with Kanya also, that it would be best to never mention the other woman for right now. He really could get defensive and that is the last thing you want to activate in him. So like she suggested, just keep your conversations about you and him and NOT HER!!!
Heidi
Hi Adeline!
I’m hearing that you are really committed to making this work, no matter what. I understand that you can see yourself happy in 10 years.
So my next question is, what is stopping you from being happy right now with him?
I’m wondering if you believe that if YOU change and if YOU do some things differently, then the relationship will be better. Is that your thinking?
Heidi
Oh Peggy!!!
Wowowowow! What a super wonderful update! I am just smiling so big, I am so happy for you! It sounds like you guys are just going with the flow about everything. It’s so wonderful you are not pressuring him to be any different than he is and you are letting him chase you a bit, with BIG rewards!!! You got it down!!! Well done!!! You guys are definitely having a wonderful start and creating a very good foundation.
Keep us updated! We LOVE hearing all the good stuff that happens!!!
Heidi
Hi Alisha!
Thank you for sharing your story! I’m so glad you are finding yourself again. In more time, you will be even stronger and heal more. I’m glad you got to feel appreciated again. It feels so wonderful to get that from someone, especially when coming out of feeling starved and unwanted.
Little baby steps. I’m glad you are not looking for anything serious. Just be cautious. I recommend for people not to really date until they are resolved with their past relationships. One way I have people test if they are ready, is by imagining that person kissing someone else, or imagine running into them again….what kinds of feelings come up? If you feel indifferent….like it doesn’t matter either way….there really are not emotions other than peace about all of it, then you are good to go. Use that as your framework as you move forward!
Heidi
Hello Adeline!
Thank you for writing in! I can see your dilemma and the challenges you face. It sounds like you both have some really difficult feelings about each other. It sounds like you BOTH are wanting each other to be different. He wants you to be more the way he is and you want him to be more the way you are.
So I am just going to start with this one question.
If he NEVER changes and stays EXACTLY the same as he is right now, can you see yourself being happy with him 10 years from now?
Heidi
Yes….lots of learning!
That is why self love is so important. He could not receive your help and support because he has so much low self esteem, he is not able to receive it…you are smart to let him be in that space and let him figure it out on his own.
You are smart to love yourself enough to set some new boundaries and standards as to how you are treated! it is a process but a path worth taking a journey on.
Goodness into your heart healing as you move forward.
Heidi
OOOOHHHHH MMMMYYYYYYY GOODNESS!!!!
I got tears in my eyes reading this! Elena….there are no words to describe what happened for you. That kind of energetic shift cannot be described. It can only be felt! It is soooooo powerful!!!! I know exactly how you feel and it just is sooooo so blissful and just….completely comforting and peaceful! I am so proud of you!!!! You reached that place because you were finally ready. He sure is missing out on you!!!Now….let’s see if it holds! I just want to warn you that it’s still very possible to head back into old patterns. You just now developed a brand new connection with yourself and in the beginning, it can be fragile. So do everything you can to support it, nourish it and keep making it stronger and stronger. If you fall back into old patterns again (which I have done many many times) you will find yourself much quicker again and you keep noting and learning what your triggers are that pull you off your center. Does that make sense???
And by the way….all those thoughts you had over a fireplace and port….OF COURSE you would have those thoughts!!!! ANY woman would have those thoughts!!!! He was very purposefully priming you for sex later. He knows exactly what he is doing. He knows what to say, he knows how to act, he knows how to pull at your heart strings!!! He is a smart guy and he knows you and what works with you! So in future, I would recommend to no longer hang out with him in a romantic setting like that. My guess is, being you rejected him for the very first time, he is going to feel he is losing you and losing his power with you. He will either do 1 of 2 things. He will pour it on thick and do what he can to get you back or he will pull away. Either way, something will change as you have changed and are going to experience him differently now…and now he knows it. You have to keep me updated!!! This is such a great story you are sharing with us!
Man you seriously just made my day!!!! If I were standing in front of you and you told me what happened, I would be doing stupid cheerleader jumps in the air!!!! hahahaha!
Heidi
Heidi
Hi Stephanie,
I am sending a ton of good vibes your way for finding a new place to live. I think it will be very good for you guys to get a fresh start for sure!
For now, I would keep responding to his texts over the weekend and then have the conversation when he gets back. I think your plan for leaving the house in that condition would feel VERY amazing!!!! It’s actually a pretty brilliant idea. I do want you to think about something though. He is your son’s father. Anything you do to hurt Cory (on purpose) also hurts your son. Cory is in a very low vibration already and leaving the house like that is going to trigger some major feelings of his. He will most likely be resentful, very hurt, feel betrayed….all the things he has done to you. It’s a horrible feeling and as much as I know you want him to feel everything he has put you through, it also will make him a much less effective father and ex to you. It will build more walls between you guys. It doesn’t have to be a horrible 15 years. It can be very peaceful and amenable. I know right now it doesn’t feel like that, of course. It doesn’t really matter actually. Your goal is to be the kind of woman that your son would respect and role model. If he sees his mom being revengeful, that affects him. If he sees his mom being kind and graceful no matter how much she hurts, that affects him. Of course he doesn’t understand what is actually happening, but he feels the energy of all of it. Your choice to forgive instead of cause harm in return is the most important choice you can make from all of this! It is THE HARDEST choice of all. When someone is showing such disrespect, it’s very easy to say they don’t deserve any kindness in return. But kindness in return actually gives the opportunity for the situation to change for the better. If you are unkind in return, it is guaranteed to only get worse. You want to hold your head high and feel good about who you are and BE the kind of person your want your sons to be. You want to be that person who, no matter how badly she hurts, she will choose forgiveness and she will cause no harm (on purpose) because putting someone in pain purposefully, only brings out their worst, which then comes back onto you and your son.
You are going to have to keep interacting with him, so treat him the way you would like to be treated. Don’t start a “war” between you guys by hurting him on purpose. I suggest that when he gets back, you set your boundaries as far as texting goes and that you are looking for a new place to live and you will be taking all of your things with you.
All his letters weren’t a lie. I know it feels like that, but in the moment, they were true for him. A person can change overnight when a trigger hits and they don’t have the skillset to deal with it. That’s what happened with Cory and he is choosing another woman to cover up all the baggage he is carrying around. Believe me, he is in so much pain already. I know he doesn’t show it much as he is walking around like he doesn’t care about his choices. That is typically just a defense mechanism because he feels so bad about it. It’s most likely why he is hanging out at the house now. I have no doubt that he still loves you very much. He knows now though, that he crossed a line and did some serious damage. He is very miserable inside and his world will come crashing down, all by itself, guaranteed, without you helping along the process. He surely missed out on you and he knows that.
The more kind and forgiving you are to him, the more it will hurt him anyways. It will just make him feel more and more guilty about his choices and leaving you. If you leave the house empty, it will just activate his anger towards you. So really, if you want him to hurt, be kind and graceful. There is nothing more powerful than kindness in the face of darkness. I have seen it over and over and over again.What are you thoughts??? I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear, but I wanted to give you another perspective. I know firsthand, where BOTH paths will lead you. The graceful path, by far, will yield the most results for you!
Heidi
Hi Elisabeth,
It sounds like you guys had a wonderful connection! That’s could be something that can be activated again if both people are still willing. You did the best you could. You live and learn. If he is someone who cannot forgive the messiness, he is not someone you want long anyways…no matter how amazing the connection is.
These are important things to see and learn about each other. Seeing how you each handle stress and how you both treat each other is crucial!
How often do you guys text right now? Who initiates it? Is there any flirting at all or is it purely platonic? If you could offer more details as to what your current exchanges are, we can get a better idea of the starting point and where to take it from here. Hopefully he will respond, but there is no guarantee. All we can do is try a bunch of different things and see what he does with it! It’s always possible though!!!
Heidi
Heidi
Hi Stephanie!
You are on the rollercoaster of the ripping away of love. It’s very normal to be okay in one moment and then BAM! Hurt, anger, resentment, sorrow, craving to see them etc. all show up and flood the system. It’s like that in the very beginning. There is a lot to resolve being that he did cheat on you.
Absolutely it’s cheating. People often wonder if porn is cheating, if talking to someone where there is a sexual attraction is cheating, or even hooking up with another person who is the same sex is cheating….it’s interesting all the variations that have shown up over the years, especially now that online options are so available. Everyone defines cheating differently these days. In my opinion, the moment an emotional connection begins and CONTINUES, that is DANGER and the person who is in a relationship needs to immediately address it if they are to stay in integrity. So regardless of whether or not he had “sex” with the woman or not, he was not honest and he chose to walk down a path with another woman when he needed to be talking with you. It all is irrelevant as he has made his choice and you now need to move on. He is not showing up to be the kind of man who you can work through challenges with and that is what you need to know, most of all.
It’s absolutely okay for you to set boundaries for yourself. I would just start by talking about little things that you need. Maybe just start with asking him not to text you morning and night about Keegan. Don’t ask where he is taking Keegan. Leave that one alone for right now. As long as Keegan is safe and showing up at your house okay and unharmed, then it’s okay for right now. So again, start with something small like the texting. Get him used to you setting up some boundaries and you need to get used that for yourself as well.
What do you think about starting with that?
My heart goes out to you Stephanie. Keep loving yourself. Keep choosing to forgive and being graceful. Keep being the role model that your son Keegan needs to have. He needs to have a mom that is loving, no matter how hurt she is. He needs a mom that is kind no matter how hurt she is! You are doing such a great job of that right now. I know it’s hard.
Heidi
Heidi
Hi Kerry,
you are doing a GREAT job at communicating what you are feeling!!! You are being honest, clear, kind and open.
I am wondering if part of him really just wants some time to “play.” If boobs and boats are what he loves to think about, I wonder if he is enjoying those right now, without any restrictions of a relationship. Maybe it’s more about him needing to have “fun” for a bit as opposed to you in particular. If the past few years were really intense for him, then he just might need some time to relax, have some fun, not feel any pressure, not have anyone to think about and just live his life the way he wants to. I guess you could call it a “recovery” time. Despite the love and connection he may feel, he might just need to recover more for right now.
So I would say to wait. You have said what you needed to say. You have let him know you have changed and learned. You have told him you want him back. You have offered several conversations. You have done everything you can possibly do and now it’s up to him to accept the invitation. Until that point, just continue focusing on having fun with him every once in awhile. Keep texting and connecting sometimes and being a good friend.
I might say something like, “Okay. I have done everything I possibly can to fix the areas that caused a lot of chaos with us. So I’m going to let this go and trust that when you are ready to just have a conversation with me, you will let me know. I want to respect your need for space. I’m guessing you just need a break from the intensity and maybe just want to have some fun right now. I’d love to stay in touch sometimes though and still stay friends. Does that feel okay for you?”
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Stephanie!
So the secret he was carrying finally came out. My heart completely sank for you. I am so so sorry! Your entire world is changing and I have to say…even though you are devastated, you are handling it so well! I am really proud of you!!!
It’s okay to set boundaries with him. Maybe what would be best is to organize visits instead of letting things be random. It’s how couples work things out so they can have their work schedules etc. Set up specific visiting times for Keegan to be with his dad. Also let him know that you will not be responding to those texts anymore. You can just say, “Listen. I think it’s time for us to create a new normal for Keegan and for us. Let’s set up specific times that you guys hang out. It will help me organize my schedule and it will get Keegan in a solid place and knowing what to expect. It will help him settle when he knows what days he will be with you. I also am not going to respond everyday to your inquiries about how Keegan is doing. If there is an issue, I promise I will communicate with you. Other than that, there really is no need to ask those questions every day. When he is with me, he is with me. When he is with you, he is with you and I will not be involved. Let’s work together on creating a plan that works for both of us and try it out. Let’s decide how to go about this, give it a try for month and then we can talk about it again after a month and figure out what is working and not working and go from there. Does that feel okay for you?”
Do you feel okay setting some boundaries like that? I know it’s confusing Stephanie, but I really do think he is not willing to let you go completely and that is why he is starting to stay over, he is contacting you more…especially since you found out his secret. He really doesn’t want to live his life without you, but he also isn’t willing to live his life with you either. The thing is, what he wants doesn’t matter. What matters is you setting some very clear boundaries as to what feels okay for you. Now…this is about you creating a design that is healthy for you. He doesn’t know what he wants, so he can’t really help you. You need to create some structure for yourself.
So what kind of design would you like to create with him? What do you need?
Heidi
