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Okay great! It doesn’t sound like he is holding a grudge or anything against you. He sounds very accepting. What now? Did you guy set up a time to talk yet?
If not, that’s okay. Just keep being connective here and there and a good friend. Keeping connected will help him feel his life WITH you in it. Sending occasional compliments, sending funny videos, sending anything about inside jokes you guys have…keeping it light and friendly with now pressure will help build trust back up again. Hopefully he will at some point want to talk further about what you went through and he will open up and be honest about his own feelings about it all.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi!
Can you offer a little more detail? It sounds like you are broken up. Can you share the reason? How long were you together before breaking up? How is the current relationship going? Are you both friendly and in contact every day or just every once in awhile? Who is initiating the connection mostly?
You can always bring up memories. Something like, “Remember when you did…..It made me laugh so hard. You were always good at doing that for me…” Or something like, “It is so hard to find a guy that does….or says….I’m realizing how much I appreciate that aspect about you. I never really realized it recently.”
Does this give you some ideas?
Heidi
Hi Alisha,
Of course you want to know he is okay! You love him and you have a strong connection with him. What I like to do is when I need to let someone go, I imagine a bright, beautiful light surrounding them that is full of comfort, goodness and love. It always brings me comfort to do that. It doesn’t make the pain go away, but it helps.
Your day is changing. In the beginning is absolutely the worst because what makes your day feel normal is no longer there. It is incredibly hard. That will change over time. Keep breathing….one breathe at a time sometimes. Cry as much as you need to. Write in a journal, talk into a recorder and get all your feelings out. Are you exercising at all??? That helps a ton!!!
Hi Kerry,
One of the best ways to get him to meet with you is to NOT pressure him. If he feels that the conversation will be about getting back together, then he will most likely want to run the other way at this point. He needs to feel space and respect from you for his choice.
Here would be a way to say something like that, “Listen…I still love you. I admit that. I don’t want to talk to you to pressure you to get back together. We had 15 years together and that means you knew me better than anyone. I ended up going through some things that changed all of our dynamics. I have learned a lot about myself since our separation, so I feel like I would like to share with you what happened and to maybe give you some clarity. That’s all. In an ideal world, you would forgive me and we would be back together in a split second, but I respect your choice and, of course, your need for space. I just want to share with you what happened and maybe it can help heal some of the hurt I caused. That is my hope.”
Does this make sense? What do you think?
Heidi
I was just remembering a situation in my younger years where I chose to stay in a relationship that I KNEW VERY CLEARLY was going to end and that it was going to hurt very badly. I chose it anyways, despite all the red flags and warnings people gave me. And you know the biggest gift it gave me??? It hurt sooooo badly that I decided I never wanted to choose something like that again. I needed to have such an intense hurt so that my future choices would be better and that I would NOT ignore all the warning flags anymore.
I’m telling you this because even if you do choose to stay and fight for him…it’s okay. There is always something to learn and grow from no matter what path you take!
Does that make sense?
Heidi
Hi Jessica!
Well done on expressing how you felt!!! It’s important to always use your voice and give your feelings a way to be heard.
I still would go the other way. He has so many red flags. But it still is up to you. You can keep trying and see what happens. I have no doubt that you will learn soon enough that he is not someone you can trust, nor count on to work WITH you through any challenges that show up. Maybe you need to find that out for yourself? Maybe you need more experiences with him to convince you that he is not the kind of guy you build a long term relationship with??
You can either cut it off now and let your heal. Close the door and keep reminding yourself that you deserve a guy that will respect and honor you more. OR…you can keep trying and find that out down the road. I cannot tell you what to do. I can tell you though, no matter your choice, you will be okay. You will figure out to handle your heartbreak either now or later. You are strong enough and resilient enough to know how to get through tough situations…yes??? So you decide the path you would like to take!
Thoughts??
Heidi
Hi Lisbeth,
He is really lucky to have you in his life! It sounds like you guys are back to where you were before having sex. It sounds like he is interested. But again…he might be really scared. There is something really stopping him from moving forward with you and maybe he doesn’t even know what it is….all he knows is that something is stopping him.
I think your plan is GREAT! Flirty, looking good, smelling good, appreciating him, being honest with him, becoming closer friends….it’s a wonderful recipe for success.
I cannot tell you how long to wait, as everyone is different. What I can recommend is to just pay attention to how you are feeling. There will be a point where you will start to have less patience. You will start to crave more from him. It’s when those feelings start to show up that you need to pay attention to them and honor how you are feeling. When they do show up, you can either talk to him about it or you can just quietly move on and start dating and close the door in your mind and your heart. You will know what you want to do when the time is right. That time is not right now though. You guys are in a great place and you both are responding really well to each other, so that’s great!
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Kerry!
I am so sorry you had to go through this, but it sounds like it was necessary in order for you to connect to parts of yourself that were blocked off. It’s very difficult to know / understand what’s happening or even how to respond to it. Be kind to yourself. You did the very best that you could.
What is your current status with him? Are you guys talking at all? Was he willing to talk with you when you reached out to him?
Heidi
Hi Jessica!
I understand your confusion. Anybody would be confused when someone claims all kinds of feelings and then all of a sudden disappears. It’s very hurtful!!!
I am wondering what your ages are?
I am inclined to agree with your friend. The first MAJOR RED FLAG was him claiming to “love” you after a week. That is impossible. Love takes TIME to build. Trust, authenticity, sharing of each other’s stories etc. all contribute to what love really is and there is no way to accomplish all of that in a week. So whenever someone claims something like that so quickly, I immediately am lead to believe they are quite the “sweet talker.” The guy knows how to get a woman connected very quickly to him and has all kind of tricks up his sleeve. If he is doing it with you, the odds of him doing with other ladies is probable. His other tactic is to control. For him to accuse you of “monitoring” him is a way that keeps women in line. I have seen guys do this MANY times where they get the woman hooked and anytime she questions him, he has a big reaction and tells her to back off and even threatens to leave. The woman ends up feeling bad about it and she learns that she needs to not question him or he will have a big reaction and she doesn’t want to lose him. This tactic allows for the guy to set up relationships where he is never questioned and has the woman wrapped around his finger…responding whenever he wants and giving him space whenever he wants.
I would highly suggest to move on. I know you don’t want to have a heartbreak. It’s an awful feeling. I would rather you have the heartbreak now, than to get more and more invested with him and have your heart hurt later. I know he is being VERY responsive again, but he is someone I would definitely recommend to stay very far away from!! He has DRAMA and HEARTACHE written all over him. I would not invite him to come meet you. I would not contact him any further. I would just stay silent. Block his messages and don’t connect with him any further.
I really want to encourage you that when dating online and getting to know someone over technology, it’s CRUCIAL you go VERY VERY SLOW!!! You have no clue who that person is until you meet them in person, see what they are like in their lives and vice versa. The challenge with dating over technology is that both people end up creating a wonderful story about each other, but it’s a fantasy. You are creating this wonderful idea about who you think he is and making it a real story. You have no clue who this guy is and he has no clue who you are IN PERSON and that is so important to have those experiences with someone before diving deep into a relationship.
I am so sorry. I know this is not what you want to hear. You still can obviously make your own choice and choose to re-connect. I wish that getting back together with him could relieve your heartache, but what this guy has already done just indicates that you have a lot more heartache ahead of you. Unfortunately, with being so far apart, there is no way to “prove” he is actually cheating. Even if he weren’t cheating, he still is someone I would recommend to stay away from. He most likely is playing mind games and that is something you definitely don’t want to participate in.
How does all of this make you feel? THoughts?
Heidi
Focusing on Jeremy is a good idea! It’s great that he is opening up to you and sharing with you what he is doing! He needs that positive connection and to have someone actually interested in who he is. You are definitely heading in the right direction. Keep being patient. He will most likely have a lot of guilt about leaving you and even for deciding to go back to this abusive woman. So the more you can show him you are still there, you are not angry with him and that you can be a good friend for him, the more trust he will have. Keep holding a good vision of him. Talk to his higher self.
What I mean by that is…he is going to be feeling a lot of low self esteem right now, so you want to talk as if he is in higher self esteem. For example, when he talks about what he is doing with his kids, you can say something like, “You are such a great dad. They are soooo lucky to have you loving them the way you do, especially since their mom is not there for them. Your love of them is so important for them!” That is referencing the BEST parts of who he is and that is what you want to keep reminding him of. I know when I have been in really low self esteem, it has helped tremendously to have someone holding a vision of me that I couldn’t quite connect to. They reminded me of that vision over and over until I could grab onto it myself as I built myself back up. You can hold that vision for him. What I mean by that is again, the vision of his best self. Remind him of how caring he is. Remind him of his beautiful heart. Remind him of the goodness that he is. Remind him of all the wonderful things you love about him. You don’t want to overdose him all at once, because that can be overwhelming. You just want to remind him little bits here and there so it can get into his hearing. It helps, I promise! Even if he doesn’t respond right away to it, it helps!!!
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Elena!!
Well done! Of course your feelings (ego) would have a response to being rejected. Let me give you a definition of what “healthy” is, in my mind. There are 2 aspects to an emotionally healthy person 1. Less baggage (they don’t get BIG triggers very easily – but they definitely will still get triggered 2. Resiliency – someone who has the skillset, knowledge and enough self esteem to handle it when hurt shows up and get back up on their feet.
So you feeling rejected is completely normal! And then…you worked through it and it didn’t ruin your thoughts about yourself for a long time. You felt better the next day! That’s resilience! When I was younger, it used to take a lot of work and time for me to feel “grounded” and connected to myself after being hurt. I worked a lot to get rid of my baggage and now…I still have reactions to rejection BUT I recover soooo much faster. I find myself, love myself and get right back up…not giving the other person enough power to keep me down. I find my own power and truth and that has more authority than someone else’s perspective. That’s what you are doing!!!! So wonderful!!
As far as telling your friend…I get it. I love your honesty! You are not quite indifferent about him yet. Keep working on killing that dream about him in your life romantically. As long as that still lives within your heart somewhere, it will affect your interactions. Once you become indifferent, THEN you can tell him whatever you want and it will be coming from a clear space! One way I test if I have reached indifference is I will imagine seeing the guy kiss a girl, or telling me he has a girlfriend. If my reaction is “Oh wow! That’s amazing!” I know I’m good. If my reaction has even a little tinge of hurt or jealousy, I still have more work to do on letting go of whatever dream I had about him.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Evelyn,
I’m sad to hear about all that has done in her life. She has to be in a lot of pain to be treating people like this. Abuse has different effects on people. It can cause them to turn around and hurt others as well or it can cause people to hide away and never let anyone close. It sounds like she is really using other people to get her power fix. Her need for power is most likely because she didn’t have any growing up. Someone probably never let her have a choice in what was happening.
You think it’s easy for me to say to forgive her. I have CHOSEN forgiveness for people who have done much worse in this life. I have chosen to forgive people who were very evil and have caused and incredible amount of damage. I was challenged in the same exact ways I am challenging you. Bottom line is, your hate will only hurt you and no one else. Anger and hate that lives in the body long enough has been linked to cancer, Alzheimer’s and many other degenerative diseases like arthritis and spine problems. If you don’t want to forgive her because it is a kind thing to do, then be kind to yourself and let go of the hate. There will be consequences that eventually show up because of it. It is a VERY intense emotion. She is the kind of person she is because she has chosen to hold onto hate and not let go. If you choose to hate her, then you are participating in the same exact energy that she is participating in.
But of course it’s your choice. She makes it easy to hate, there is no doubt about that. There is nothing easy about choosing to forgive someone who has caused so much hard and damage to people, especially towards someone you love. I understand why you don’t want to let go of the hate. I have felt that many times in my life. It’s a hard choice, but talking from experience, forgiving is well worth the relief from your heart than letting hate reside there.
Keep updating us!!!
Heidi
Hi Miranda,
I’m so sorry you are going through this! I’m glad to hear you are getting your life together though. It is important to be able to be independent in today’s world. It’s a good thing to be able to take care of yourself and you are finally taking those steps! Good job!!!
One thing I have found about people who play a lot of video games, is they have a tendency to lose their relationship skills. The games are a GREAT distraction from life. When someone plays a lot of video games, the games are their relationship. They have a tendency to lose their communication skills, their ability to resolve conflict and depending on the kind of games they play, it can really affect their mood. I have also known a lot of romances that have started up through connecting with other players somewhere else. DO you know if he was playing with other people at all (online)? What kind of game was he involved with?
How long have you guys been broken up now? You guys live quite a bit of distance apart currently. How come?
When you ask for help, it can be something as simple as, “Hey….I need your help with something. Can you call me, just for a minute when you get a chance?” Then when he calls, you can say something like “A friend from school wants to get her kid a video game for his birthday. He is 7 and doesn’t want to get him a game where he is killing a lot of people. Do you have any suggestions for someone that age?
You can ask him something about your car…maybe a good mechanic to go to.A compliment you can also say is this, “Listen…I know you told me a ton of times I need to get my life together. I didn’t really listen. I heard you and knew you were right, but I obviously didn’t do much about it until now. If you breaking up with me was what it took for me to get off my ass to do that, then you did the right thing. I just wanted to thank you. I like having a car and I like going back to school. It’s motivated me to think much bigger in my life. I guess I needed a kick in the ass.”
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Diane,
I think it’s very important to talk to him. The thing is, you are making up this ENTIRE story about what is happening off of assumptions. It’s important for you to gather more information and get some clarity about what is happening. Even if it ends up being true, it’s better that you ask him all of these questions and try for clarity. It can help bring peace….OR….it could be something completely different. Who knows! All I know is that this story you have made up about what is happening, is not true until gather more information.
Call him and if he picks up you can just start the conversation like this, “I have seen your Facebook status and posts and I’m confused. From what I am seeing, it appears you are dating someone else. Before I jump to any conclusions, I wanted to ask you straight up for some clarification. Are you willing to talk to me about this?”
How does that make you feel?
Heidi
HI Alisha,
I am so sorry this is happening for you! It shocking and frustrating and absolutely heartbreaking!
I first want to address you feeling like a failure. I get it. I don’t blame you for feeling that way, as a lot of people would. The truth is, you did the best you could and even if everything was perfect, it most likely still would have happened. He sounds like the kind of guy who just has a hard time being honest and authentic about what he is really feeling WHEN IT IS HAPPENING! You are not a mind reader, therefore it is HIS responsibility to take care of himself. That means communicating to you what is working and what is not working. That means fighting for himself and the relationship. He basically just kept silent and BAM! He hit you with all that he was feeling…but it was too late. He let himself get to that point. There is nothing you could have done about that. You are not a failure. Yes, the relationship has failed at the moment, but you are not a failure.
With a past like his, he most likely will never trust a woman again. He may get close (for him) but he will never really give hi whole heart away. People who have dealt with cheating and abuse like that, don’t recover unless they purposefully seek healing and forgiveness. I’m guessing he never really took that path. It sounds like fear is still a HUGE part of his life. He keeps a part of himself locked away inside that no one knows about until one day…he decides to share his true thoughts. I’m so sorry he has chosen that path. Being in relationship with someone like that is very misleading. You actually only know parts of them…the parts they are willing to share. You never know the other part that exists because they won’t share that part and there is nothing you can do about that. It’s just how he has chosen to survive his life. It’s sad really because he is living in so much fear and not able to fully and completely enjoy his life…especially with you.
Thoughts about all of this?
Heidi
