Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Holy smokes! He really is under a lot of time constraints. That’s so sad! It’s not a way to live life at all. Hopefully it really will be a short season of this vs. a long term choice. If it’s a short season, then I suggest a bit of a different approach.
First and foremost, you need to be VERY clear of what you want from him. It’s crucial that you don’t approach this with a “I want more time with you or more connection with you” and leave it at that. Men need CLEAR and CONCISE directions.
I just had an idea pop into my head that may be a good way to meet your needs and even his. Have you ever heard of the app Marco Polo? It’s really wonderful! I admit to being HORRIBLE at keeping in touch with people. I strongly dislike talking on the phone and whenever I text, it’s very abbreviated and with limited information. Then Marco Polo came around. My friend in China introduced it to me and now, we exchange messages about 4 to 5 times a week. It’s like walkie talkie, but you do it as a video. I love it because I can put my phone on the mount in my car and I can just turn on Marco Polo and start talking while I’m driving. Once I’m done talking, then the video message immediately gets sent to him. Then he sends me a message whenever he is ready. It’s so great because I get to see his face, here is tone of voice and we both just babble on about all kinds of stuff. It’s easy, effortless and I can do while in my car since every other minute of my day is booked. I am a crazy busy person, but this works for me. Since he is driving so much, maybe this can be a good way to stay connected! He can listen to your video messages in his car as well!
You can maybe introduce it like this…”Listen…I miss you terribly. You make me feel things that I have never felt before. Because of that, it makes it that much more difficult to have such an amazing and deep connection with you and then go to very little contact. I understand your situation and I accept it. I’m not going anywhere. I was just thinking of ways that we can keep connecting without taking up anymore of your time. So I thought about this app Marco Polo…..”
What about that approach?
Heidi
Hi Lorelle!
Thanks for sharing your story and offering some very good / important detail. It’s always helpful for us!
I totally understand why you are confused and having a hard time. It sounds like there are a lot of dynamics happening here. When he says he is afraid of hurting you, that is saying he doesn’t trust himself. He doesn’t trust that he has follow through and sustainability with a woman and / or he doesn’t want to go through his own feelings of breaking up with you and / or he has very little capability of handling a relationship and the hurt and disappointments he causes in you (which are just normal relationship things).
He set his life up pretty well. He gets to disappear, because of work and he gets to connect when he feels like it and not in recovery mode. So he creates a lot of time for himself (which keeps the distance) and then has some intense intimate time with you (which feels wonderful) and then he goes back to his alone time.
Reality is, how he designs his life and how he manages his stress is not relationship conducive. It works well for something light and easy playful, but for an intense, deep relationship, it will never work. He is not allowing you into his life except when it’s convenient for him. And here you are, having intense, deep connections with him and then immediately back to zero…to hardly any connection at all. Any woman would have a hard time with this.
Have you talked about creating a different design? I think it’s important for you to have your needs acknowledged here. He is getting every the wants and he asks for it and expects it. Why not you? Relationship is about compromise. You can say something like, “It’s difficult for me to go from this wonderful connection to almost nothing and never knowing when you will be available again. I understand your needs and how you respond to your life. The thing is, I can’t sustain this kind of design. I want to grow with you and get to know you. Slowly is fine for me, but maybe we can create a different design of “slow”. Instead of an all or nothing kind of thing, can we arrange date night once a week? Can we arrange a skype call once a week? I need a little encouragement here if you would like me to hang on and keep moving forward with you. What do you think?”
How does a conversation of this nature make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Emily!
NO question is too small or silly. All questions are good to ask because you are learning! Good for you! Your approach to life is about getting different perspectives, trying things out and not trying to figure it out all on your own! Any guy who captures your heart will be very lucky to have a partner who handles her life in that way!
Now about your question. There are no “rules” per se. You have to consider the situation and who he is. What you do know is that he is responsive when you initiate. You also know he is shy. I know many guys who get stuck and have such a hard time starting a conversation but excellent at responding. Maybe this is his deal. Who knows! I think that if you keep doing what you did (which was excellent btw) where you just commented on his post. It then lead into a conversation without you “directly” starting it. It’s a way to let him know you see him, you are paying attention to him and it’s a window for him to connect with you. He may be wondering if you like him. He may not be very well versed about women, so maybe try to throw in some flirting. So let’s say he has a picture of him hiking, you can say “Beautiful! I’m jealous! You look so happy with that gorgeous smile of yours!”
Also, can you organize an event? What if you organized a “game night” or something and you invite him. It would be a great way to get to know him amongst other people as well.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Amy!
I can see why you are confused! Lots of mixed messages from him.
Let’s talk about you for second. Are you wanting a committed relationship or are you okay just keeping things like and enjoying the flirting?
I just want to reflect back to you something…You said you don’t believe he is the type of person that would lie, yet he was flirting with you when he had a GF. He mislead you and his GF. That’s not being fully and completely honest. He was out of his integrity, therefore lying. If he did that with her, he will most likely do it with you or any other lady in the future. If that’s how he wants to handle challenge in a relationship, that a HUGE RED FLAG! If something wasn’t working in his favor, it’s his responsibility to create closure or take care of the situation BEFORE extending his energy out to someone else.
If you also feel he is still hurting from his divorce and this last relationship, wouldn’t you want him to resolve all of that first before stepping forward with him?
He sounds like someone who loves to interact and play with the sexual energy, but there is no substance behind any of it. He is not taking anything further and he admittedly says he doesn’t want anything.
So with all of that said, if this were a friend of yours, how would you advise them to proceed?
Heidi
HI Chymese,
Man, I can see why you would be really hurt. You are watching another woman inspire in him things that you have wanted from him for a long time. Ouch!
Would you consider letting him go? Every person brings out a different side in us. When looking for a partner, we want to see that we can inspire MANY sides in them. It’s obvious that what you are wanting from him, he is not willing to offer. I’m so sorry! The reason doesn’t really matter. It just matters that he is not his best most amazing self when he is with you. That is not your fault! You are not your best self either though. I imagine it’s not your best self to keep sleeping with a guy who is non committed, a bit of an absent father and sleeping with other women. That doesn’t feel good! You are in a constant state of rejection with him. This is why I am inviting you to let this go. It’s not healthy for you! Are you willing to close the door and look at other possibilities? No more sex with him or anything else for that matter. Just deal with him when it comes to your children and that’s it. Let yourself heal and move on. You deserve to experience a man who is completely taken by you! A man who can’t imagine his day without talking to you. A man who has no resistance, whatsoever, to be a part of your life and your kids’ lives! Are you willing to fight for that???
Heidi
Hi Emily,
Isn’t it funny how things happen like that sometimes???
I wouldn’t read too much into the Facebook thing. I do it all the time. I forget to accept friend requests and sometimes, I get so overwhelmed with all the info that I mostly just stay away from Facebook. I am not a common user…lol.
As far as his shyness, remember that it’s pretty tough for a guy. Facing a woman and dealing with the possible rejection is just plain hard. Imagine if you were the person who had to do all of the asking out. Imagine all the pressure was on you to make things happen. I’ve put myself in that position before where I went through a phase where I wanted to know what it felt like to be a guy. So I became the initiator. I become the one who made things happen. It is soooo hard and scary!!! lol! I learned so much and since then, have great appreciation what they have to go through with us ladies.
I understand wanting to find someone who is less shy and a lot more pursuant. AND…maybe keep the door open a little longer. There is so much to learn from all different types of guys. You might find that despite his shyness, he opens up more and more as he gets to know you. Maybe give him that chance? just a thought, but of course you know what feels best for you. Keep us updated!!!!
Heidi
Hi Shannon!
Good luck on house hunting!!! This is REALLY exciting for you both! Especially you! There is something very special about creating your very own home! Keep us updated!
The male side of your personality is controlled by your left brain and the female side, your right brain. The male side is the “doer” the producer, the part of you that gets things done, deals with money, deals with logic. The female side is where your nurturer lives. That side deals with all the emotions, your relationships, it’s where your triggers live. It’s what is expressed in the yin and yang symbol as well. It can all be expressed in many different ways. You can look it up and you will find a gazillion different thoughts about. But basically, it’s your male energy buying the house. It’s your female energy that will have the emotional reaction to each house. It’s your female energy that wants your man to be with you. It’s your male energy that says, but he is sick, I understand. Is this making more sense?
Heidi
HI Sharon,
This is sooooo good for you! So what is your plan??? You are worried about losing yourself, so what EXACT steps are you going to take to make sure that doesn’t happen. I will have clients put “me time” spots in their calendars, make sure they have dates with their friends, make sure to continue any hobbies they love and most of all, have accountability. This is how you learn to operate differently in your life. So what is your plan? What areas of your life do you neglect when a guy/s shows up? How do you end up losing your head?
Let’s create a plan for you!
Heidi
Hi Lois,
I understand how badly you want things to go back to how they used to be awhile ago. It’s a start that he is coming around more and letting you know how he misses you.
Do you know what EXACTLY is keeping him staying with that other girl?
The first thing I want to suggest is to learn some skills about how to communicate when things get tough. Being abusive, belittling and harmful to another will break their hearts. Your guy needs to feel safe with you. Have you ever done any kind of anger management or read some books or worked with someone to help you deal with situations differently? I am wondering if he would return home faster if he knew that you were improving upon that side of yourself, beyond just saying “I’m sorry” and being regretful.
Do you know why he shifted at that time? Do you know why he originally started to get distant? Was there a pattern about what the arguments were about?
More information is helpful! But to start, be patient. I know you want things now, as we all do. Learning to accept his choice, honor that he is not quite ready yet and just build your friendship, can be really helpful in drawing him to you. The more you pressure him to do what YOU want, the more it will trigger his need to stay somewhere else. When he feels respected, listened to, honored…that is what draws a person in more and more.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Ziya,
I’m so sorry for what you are dealing with. Heartache is awful. I understand your need to re-connect and do everything you can to get him back.
I first want to help you understand how your thinking is not exactly true all the time. You keep saying “I mean if AK really cared for me and this was as hard as said and also showed, why give up?” You are thinking logically. Matters of the heart are hardly logical. I have seen this a MILLION times!
My Life Coach reminds me of this all the time “The number one reason people don’t get better, is they start to get better and get what they want, so they sabotage…because they are not set up to be healthy and happy.”
I too work with people all the time who start to get exactly what they want and then start to ruin it. It’s called the “upper limit.” It’s this phenomenon where each person has a limit to how happy they will allow themselves to be. That limit is directly tied to how much low self-esteem they have. The more low self-esteem, the lower the limit. You know when someone is reaching their “upper limit” when they start to sabotage. That low self esteem gets VERY powerful….more powerful than the feelings of love and connection and the loss of it. Essentially, what your guy is choosing to give power is “I’m going to break this off now so I don’t have to hurt when she breaks up with me.” He doesn’t feel good enough, valuable enough nor capable enough for anyone. He wants to blame it on his sickness. Who knows what that other girl said to him when she broke it off eventually. Whatever it was, it sure stuck with him and is still affecting him today. That fear and low self esteem is not something you can fight against Ziya. People who do, end up spending the rest of their lives trying to “prove” to their person they are not going to leave. Even if he did take you back, that fear and low self esteem is not going to go away. You would be walking on egg shells with him. When the smallest little thing goes wrong, or you have a fight, he most likely would react by jumping ship saying, “See! I told you! I can’t meet your needs, you shouldn’t be with me so let’s just end this now.” He is not someone who stays and fights for his emotional health. He is not strong enough to risk. He won’t risk loving again and letting someone in. Reality is, you don’t know that you wouldn’t break up and neither does he, but that’s just what love is…it’s a HUGE risk. When you truly love someone, that person can tear you limb to limb without ever touching you. That person has so much power in your life to cause incredible amounts of pain. That’s the risk and reality of it all. AND…there is no beauty and power like love that is kind, caring, supportive, adventurous etc. Your guy would rather just focus on the risk of it vs. being willing to take a journey again. That’s sad.
He would not be a good partner when things get tough. He runs. I know your connection was wonderful and I know how hard that is to come by. However, that connection is the least of the relationship. You need someone who will stand by himself and stand by you when fear shows up. He is not that kind of person and it is not your job to convince him otherwise. That is a pursuit that will cause you to slowly lose yourself and wear your heart away. He needs to face his fears on his own.I know this is not what you want to hear, but maybe it will help you understand a little better the seriousness about what you are dealing with and that it has NOTHING to do with you nor logic. This is about you facing that his fear is bigger than connection, bigger than love, bigger than you and the wonderfulness he brought into your life. His fear is GIANT and it’s not for you to prove to him that he is wrong or try to pull him into taking a risk with you. Let him do that on his own. This is VERY important!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Abby,
Be kind to yourself. I know you feel like a fool. I have felt like that many times in my life. Truth is, you just invested in an idea and it didn’t work out. You tried everything you knew how to make that idea fit, but unfortunately the other person in that idea didn’t want to join. Be kind to yourself. Have compassion, have appreciation for your open heart, have gratitude that you are not the kind of person who will shrivel up and die with a bitter heart. You are someone who learns, who grows and who is resilient. That is who you are, not a fool. It’s just a moment of being fooled, but you are not a fool. And that’s okay! It’s a necessary part of the human experience so we can wake up further and learn….and I have no doubt you have.
Sending so much goodness your way for your healing and transition!
Heidi
HI Shannon,
Thanks for all the updates! You are happy where you are at with him and do see a future with him. I wonder if his “moods” can be shifted? Many women don’t feel in the mood either, but the man can get her there, as long as she is willing to take the journey. It’s a little bit of work on both parts, but definitely can be well worth it. If he chooses to NOT let his mood dictate the intimacy, maybe it can be “fixable” to an extent.
Moving in together sounds like a good plan. You both need more information and experience with each other to really test the waters. In regards to your dreams, a good way to interpret them is to imagine that every person and part of your dream is an extension of you. Most times, dreams are giving us a “story” about our relationship with ourselves and how we are dealing with our life. In your dream, the male and female parts of you are in a relationship, but the male side betrays and breaks trust. This would be a reflection of your female side not feeling safe with your male side. Your male side is the betrayer. So in your life, can you see this fit anywhere? Is the male side of you not working with the female side? Are those areas of your life out of balance? Is your male side not caring nor respecting nor listening to your female side? These are the kinds of questions you can ask yourself so you can learn what you need to pay attention to. Then your dreams will be more about your male and female getting married, having sex, being best friends etc.
Does this make sense?So is it decided that you are going to buy the house on your own then and he will move in?
Heidi
Hi Abby,
Quick question….does he still live there?
I am sooooo sorry for what you are dealing with. Of course you are exhausted and having trouble moving forward!!!! You are dealing with intense sickness! Sheesh!!! And you have lost your relationship. You need help! You cannot do this on your own!
Since rent has been paid for, can you just get anyone to help you move out? Even if it means you stay in a spare bedroom for a month until you find a place. You need to get out of there!!! How can you possibly heal in such a rejecting environment?? You have fight for your life right now and that means surrounding yourself with peaceful people that can help you, finding support somehow and living in a space that has good vibes.
Is that possible at all????
Heidi
Hi Natalie,
This is a really good question. It really depends on you. Reality is, he is not available for you right now. There is no guarantee that he ever will be. Your mindset is important in how you approach this.
I recommend that you don’t put all your eggs in this basket. All you have is the present moment and in the present moment, he is a friend and that’s it. So with that being said, would you consider still dating and moving on with your life? It’s not to say that at some point you both will be in the same exact place again, but for right now, if you have the mindset where you are still going to live your life and not invest all of your heart, thoughts and ideas into a guy that is unavailable right now, the your expectations will match the situation and it will keep the pressure off of him.
What a lot of women have a tendency to do is to put their lives on hold “waiting” for a guy to come around. All the while, she forgets about HER needs and completely focuses on the “right” things to do or say to get the guy back and interested. They forget that the guy needs to EARN HER HEART. That means he is treating her well in the good and bad times. That means he is committed to growing with her through the good and difficult times.
I think your situation is just a product of really bad timing. He has a lot of things to figure out. If you guy were 10 years into a relationship, that would be different, but you are long distance and brand new to each other. This is the very first challenge you are facing and he is deciding NOT to do it with you, yet he is not able to let you go either. He keeps you connected to him on a weekly basis. What design feels okay for you? Truth is, you are going to get him back (right now). So if that is the case, can you just be friends with him, move on with your life and let go of the dream you have about being together with him? That way, you can truly just be his friend. If he shifts at some point and wants to be with you again, you can consider it at that time. If he doesn’t shift again, you still lived your life to it’s fullest and didn’t close the door to other possibilities.
If you are able to truly accept his choice right now, then there would be no need to say anything to him, because you are accepting his decision. That also means that he will have to accept losing some connection with you as well and I am going to bet he will struggle with that (and maybe even activate his desire to fight for you).
There is an element here where he doesn’t really have to feel like he lost anything with you, because you are available and connective with him anytime he wants. Therefore, he doesn’t have to face the pressures of “relationship” AND he still gets to have you. There is nothing wrong with that, as long as you agree to the design and don’t live off of “hope” that things will change.
What are you thoughts about this?
Heidi
Hi Shannon,
It sounds like there are still some stumbling blocks in the intimacy area, but that is so wonderful that you guys are talking about it! that’s a start. Do his challenges with sex feel fixable? Does he understand what is happening for him in that area of his life?
It sounds like if you are going to buy a house, it might be safest to just do it on your own for right now. Your relationship still has a lot of growing to do. Do you feel good about just buying a house on your own? Do you feel that the would be okay with that design?
As far as this situation being a “gift,” wouldn’t you say that your growth personally and the fact that you guys are overcoming challenges neither of you have experienced before….gifts? That’s all I meant. The gift is what you learn from challenges. The gift is the new skillset that gets developed. The gift is the stronger relationship. But sometimes that particular word doesn’t resonate for people in these types of situations and maybe that’s what you feel like.
Thank you for the update. I want to ask you again, how do YOU feel about the relationship? It sounds like everything is heading in the right direction, but it doesn’t mean that your heart is fully invested. Do you still feel he is worth fighting for? Is the relationship turning into something you really want and enjoy?
Heidi
