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Hi Ali,
It is a very tough decision for sure!! I wish love were enough though. It’s just not. Love needs to be nurtured and taken care of. Affection for you is very important and it isn’t for him. That is a VERY BIG difference. It’s like one person wanting to have a child and the other one doesn’t. It’s a deal breaker. You need to accept that you are someone who needs affection. You need to accept that he is not someone who wants to give you affection. SO now what? If you wait, what are you waiting for? For him to change? If he is willing to work on, ACTIVELY by DOING something about it and you work together to get on the same page, then absolutely go for it! But if he is not willing to work on it with you, then it really would be honoring for BOTH of you to accept your differences and head in a different direction.
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Christine,
Ouch! I am so sorry!!!! He is not a very kind person. When you see someone snap like that, run the other way! If he is being that mean that you have to get away from him, that is verbal abuse. He would rather blame you as to why things aren’t working vs. taking responsibility for himself. Someone like that is carrying around so much bitterness and anger that the smallest things can set them off. That pool of negative emotions gets triggered and it is so overwhelming they just emotionally vomit on those around them.
Forgive him and let him go. Love yourself enough to stay away from someone so toxic. I’m so glad you are seeing this about him sooner than later. He is not safe. Truth be told, it doesn’t matter where the “asshole” came from…those are details you will never know. What matters is that it is there in the first place and that’s all you need to know for you to run the other way!
Heidi
Hi Francis,
Ouch! That really hurts to discover your guy, that you are giving everything to, is cheating. It’s hard to realize that with everything you offer and everything that you do for the relationship, that it isn’t enough.
You ask how to make yourself be enough? That is something that comes from WITHIN YOU. It has nothing to do with him. If you are “too passive” from his perspective, that his him saying he doesn’t really respect you very much, because most likely you don’t respect yourself very much. Have you read about the “Respect Principle” in this program? When you respect yourself, have boundaries, have standards, then the person you are with learns to treat you in a very specific way or there are consequences. If he feels you are so passive, he mostly likely believes he can do whatever he wants and you will end up forgiving him….therefore there aren’t many consequences to his choices. He is going to do what he wants.
Regardless of his viewpoint of you, what kind of person is HE that he won’t talk to you about it. Instead he decides to cheat and figures that you will get over it at some point. He is not a respectful nor honoring person! So he has his own issues!
So the place to start is with you. How do you feel about yourself? Do you agree with him that you are passive most of the time? What are you hoping to do? Forget that he is cheating and hope that if you get better, he won’t cheat anymore?
Heidi
Hi Kristy,
I am curious. If he gets irritated so easily when you are just being yourself, what makes you want to keep fighting for a guy that doesn’t seem to really see or value who you really are? It sounds like he just doesn’t have much left to offer you. Is there something so special about this guy that you want to be with him, even though it doesn’t sound like he really appreciates who you really are?
Heidi
Hi Jayna,
Welcome! Yikes! That hurts!!! You are very wise in seeing that he has some bad habits and he isn’t ready for you yet. If he is already “cheating” just a few months in, he is definitely not ready for anything serious. Anyone can promise what they want…”I will love you forever, I will never hurt you etc.” but reality is, not a single person on the face of this earth can make a promise like that. Life happens, stress happens and people MANY times, make decisions out of their normal character.
He is obviously showing you who he is early on and I am so glad you found out. My question to you is….what is causing you to second guess yourself and possibly give this guy another chance?
Heidi
Hi Brittney,
First of all, it is NOT YOUR FAULT for the decisions he is making. If he were unhappy or needed a break or needed something different from you, it’s HIS job to make sure he says something. Your actions do not cause anything! Your actions are your actions and you are taking responsibility for that, which is wonderful! Is he blaming you for the choice to interact with another woman???
Building the bridge means helping yourself to become more confident about yourself. Has he ever expressed that he doesn’t like how you look or felt unhappy about that? I am wondering why you think that is an issue. Either way, knowing and believing in your value is so important to creating a healthier relationship.
One of the places I suggest for people to start is with Brene Brown. She has some WONDERFUL information and a lot to teach.
Here is one video: https://youtu.be/8-JXOnFOXQk
Also, you can go to http://www.emdr.com EMDR is a very powerful technique used by therapists for healing work. See if there is a therapist in your area. You can also just google life coach in whatever city you reside in. Look at reviews and see what people think about that person. No matter which direction you head in, try a few sessions with someone and see if you resonate with them. If you don’t, that’s okay! Keep looking!
What is the current status? Are you guys talking right now?
Heidi
Hi Christina!
Just checking in….how is everything going??? Still heading in a direction you really like?
Ha! A backlit headboard???? Wow! Crafty! What color is the light? The def can be very romantic!
Heidi
Hi Pattie,
I am so sorry to hear this! That’s a pretty big emotional rollercoaster he has take you on! That is so hard and confusing and frustrating.
I’m curious, what is your typical pattern for relationships? You say you haven’t chosen well in the past…is there a pattern as far as the kind of person you are attracted to?
I wish love were enough. Unfortunately, love takes a lot of work to sustain, take care of and nurture. This guy is not doing that for you. Here is a guideline to follow. Once is just once…2x is a weak pattern…3x is a strong pattern. This guy has shown you that he has a strong pattern of sabotaging connection. He cheated, he has come back, then ghosted enough times that it lets you know there is something much deeper going on for him….basically when someone keeps sabotaging connection, they are fearful…of what? Who knows and it honestly doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you see him for who is, how he copes in life and then decide from that space….is this behavior acceptable for me? It sounds like you are at your wits end. Even if he does chase you Pattie, he will still end up sabotaging again and ghosting. You are wanting something from him that he is no able to offer you, despite the strong connection you both have with each other.
Reality is, whatever is the source of this behavior, it will not go away. It will only get worse the deeper he connects with someone. If it is ever going to change, it means he needs to dig deep and deal with whatever hurt has happened. Until he does that, he will just keep being the same guy.
So you want to continue with this guy….get your expectations in alignment with who he is. Know that he will be connective and wonderful and then at any given moment he will disappear. You, of course, have the choice to keep giving him chances and letting him explain and apologize. It is your heart and you get to do as you please. If you wish to change your hardships with relationship, then this guy is probably not the best choice for you. Love yourself enough to take care of your heart and protect it from people who don’t know how to value and care for it the way it deserves.
There are men out there that will know how to cherish your heart! That will love being around you, that cannot imagine their life without you, that have the ability to fully invest in love with you. If you want that kind of journey, you have to fight for it…and part of fighting for it, means saying no to the men who cannot offer you that kind of experience.
I know how hard that is, especially when you have love and care for him. If you stay, you will keep getting hurt, if you go, you will hurt as well as you work through letting him go. At least the latter choice has an ending. There will be a point where it won’t hurt anymore.
So it’s really up to you and what you are willing to go through.
Does all of this make sense???
Heidi
Ha! That is a rule I never would have thought of!! hahaha! Good to know!
I’m stoked you had a wonderful night of intimacy. It’s so wonderful to learn and grown and deepen with someone in many different ways! You finally learned your lesson from your previous choice and look at the reward you get!! woooohooooo!Heidi
Hi Ali,
You are starting to regret your decision and that is very understandable. It hurts so badly to let someone go that we love.
I want to bring you back to your need for affection. Reality is, that is not going to change. No matter what YOU DO, it does not change who HE IS. His desire to be affectionate needs to come from his heart and needs to be something that he really desires and is a part of who he is. It could be that this is just the way he was made, or it’s possible that he has some trauma and he has buried a lot negative emotions that really prevent him from being comfortable with affection. Who knows! This is for HIM to figure out.
So if you want to get back together with him, it means that you accept him for exactly who he is. No more bickering about the lack of affection. Or you keep moving forward, knowing that is an important quality for you in a relationship. You can definitely find an experience that offers all of what you need!
Have you ever read or looked up about the 5 Love Languages? I have no doubt this will bring some clarity for you! http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
check this out and let me know how you feel afterwards.
Heidi
Hi Kirsty!
Wow! You rock!!! Well done!!! He is incredibly lucky to have you in his life. You are helping him heal in so many different ways that you or even him may never know. You are giving him a SAFE space to be honest with you without you blowing up on him or punishing him in some way. That is sooooo crucial in order to build trust and in order for him to start to feel safe to use his voice and slowly open up.
It may take years for him to open up to the level you want…it may never happen or it could happen overnight. Who knows! Your job is to just be who you are, accept who he is and then you take a journey together and see where it takes you.
Little things you can do is maybe search for videos or articles about people feeling “dead inside” and how to get through it. You can leave them on the table for him to see or send him the link. Just say, “Hey! Just saw this article and thought of you. Hope it helps.” And then leave it at that…don’t ask if he read it or what he thought….just let it be. If he wants to discuss it, he needs to make the effort. Offering compliments here and there is very healthy as well! It definitely will help every single time you say something. He may not absorb the compliment very well, but he will at least hear it and that in and of itself is putting a drop in the bucket. Do you guys ever go to movies? Movies or tv series are also a great way to help build low self esteem. Watching characters that lose everything and are broken, then figure out how to regain their strength….it’s like watching someone do what you need to be doing yourself. Watching someone fight for their life, watching someone face their fears, watching someone become more vulnerable and seeing that in the end, they are okay….it helps the movie goer absorb and identify with that.
What do you think so far?
Heidi
Keep us updated Emily!!! We love that you came here and shared your story and always love hearing how people work through their challenges.
Hope to hear from you soon!
Heidi
Hi Andrea,
I completely get it. When love enters into the picture, a man that fights for us, a man that communicates well and is not afraid of commitment…it just sends us into cloud 9 right??? Of course your heart is breaking. You have not felt something like this in 6 years, it finally shows up and you are having the time of your life and now it’s being ripped away. It’s quite a powerless feeling. He is far away, who knows who is saying what to him….all you know is that he is shifting and changing and you have no clue why.
So I’m curious what his reason was for breaking up? It doesn’t sound much like a breakup if he is talking to you every day, so I’m not sure what is going on there….especially on your end. Were you hoping he would change his mind?
This is why it takes time for relationship to build….you see such wonderful sides of a person in the beginning and then as the challenges of life start to show up, you then start to learn the not so pretty sides of someone. Whenever you are choosing who you want to let inside the VERY SACRED parts of your heart, THE MOST IMPORTANT thing to look for is, how do they treat you in their worst? How do they treat others? How do you both interact together when it gets difficult. This is the FOUNDATION of a relationship. So right now, you are seeing how he responds to stress. You don’t know exactly what that stress is, because he is not telling you. He is not being communicative, he is not being honest and something is happening for his energy to shift. Instead of involving you in that process, he is dealing with it all on his own and then cutting off from you. THAT is the red flag that matters most here.
The first step here, is for you to get very clear about what you need. It’s important that you are honest with him and have a conversation. It’s not needy for you to get curious about what is happening and creating clarity. Remember that HE is the one who is pulling away and not talking with you, therefore it is VERY NATURAL and NORMAL to wonder what is happening…it’s not being needy.
You can say something like this: “I feel like it’s time for you and I to get very clear about what we are doing here. You have been very connective and loving and amazing. Then one day you break up, but we still end up connecting every single day. Now, it feels like you have pulled away even more. I really am curious about what is happening for you over there. Is there something I am doing that is difficult for you to deal with? Are you afraid, now that you told me that you loved me? This is the 2nd time you have pulled back, so I think it’s time that we are really honest with each other and create some clarity. It just feels like we are on different pages, so what about getting on the same page? Are you up for talking about it?”
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Brittany,
Okay….this makes a lot more sense now. Of course you are feeling insecure with everything you have been through yourself as well as with him. It’s a lot and it’s all very intense.
Are there reasons you are accusing him of cheating on you? Have you found evidence? What leads you to this thought about him?
Every time you accuse him, it breaks trust. You are communicating to him, “I don’t trust you. I don’t feel safe with you.” People have different responses to this. They look elsewhere, they put walls up, they get defensive….either way…it causes them to not feel safe with you also. So this would probably be the first place to start if you want to make some changes. Stop accusing him. Unless you have some hard, clear evidence, let it go and stop accusing him.
Is there someone you can talk to for help? You have so many intense emotions, it can be extremely helpful to talk with a coach or a therapist to help you clear that out. If you don’t, then you will just live with all of that inside and it will just continue to build and build and build. It’s not a happy way to live and it will never allow you to feel happy or safe in a relationship. You have to love and accept yourself, your choices and work through all the trauma you have been through. Is that something you are willing to do?
Heidi
