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Hi Navina,
What about saying something like, “Listen…you have been so helpful. I couldn’t do this without you! Let me treat you to happy hour as a thank you. It would be fun to know a little more about the mastermind behind my success.”
Does something like this feel comfortable for you?
Heidi
Hi Emily,
This is quite the question and deserves more internal digging on your end. It’s a wonderful question and one I have asked myself before.
It can be as simple as not finding the right match for long term. I’m wondering what your age is…would you mind telling me?
Is there a pattern you can see in the kind of guys you ARE attracted to? Is there a pattern you can see in the guys you are NOT attracted to?
I know for me, if the guy was nice and wonderful, I didn’t like them…upon digging VERY deep, I discovered I believed they were boring, too easy and I didn’t respect them. I felt this way because I really wanted the challenge and the drama and the games, as that is what my father role modeled for me. So first, the challenge is what I was used to. Second, my low self esteem did not believe I deserved a guy who was attentive and wonderful…therefore, I liked all the “bad boy” types. Over time, as I kept healing and getting rid of the baggage, my tastes completely changed!!! No more bad guys and nice guys were at the front of the line!
I don’t know what your story is, but maybe this will help you make some connections as to what your patterns are and what they mean. Give me some ideas and some history of your relationships and we can keep talking about this.
Heidi
Hi Tania,
I can see why this is confusing. Of course you want more attention. He connected with you and then has pulled away. Does he ever initiate contact with you? Do you not have each other’s phone numbers? Is he always saying he is busy?
Heidi
Hi Pamela,
Wow…you are really dealing with a lot! I am so sorry! That is so hard to discover the person you have committed your life to…is not being honest and breaking integrity. It hurts. I am so glad you both are getting some help for this! That is wonderful and gives you a fighting chance for sure!
Would you mind explaining a little further how you think therapy competes with what we are teaching here? It all works extremely well together. Can you give me the specific concepts you feel compete with therapy?
Heidi
Hi Francis,
My heart goes out to you. Staying quiet would have been a survival mechanism. Children figure out different ways to keep the peace as best they can. For you, it was becoming silent.
Here is the thing about coping mechanisms…they serve us well and help when we are children, but then as we get older, they end up hurting us and causing us a lot of challenge. So as a child, staying quiet helped you on some level. As an adult, staying quiet is hurting you.
The abuse is no longer happening. You have full capability to design your own life now. You need to make your matter TO YOU. Your feelings, your words, your thoughts all matter. If they don’t matter to you, they will not matter to anyone else. This is the place to start.
Do you ever journal? That also can be a good place to get used to expressing what is going on inside.
I would also strongly recommend to find a therapist or specialist of some sort. They can work with you, help you learn new skills, help you step by step to use your voice and make it matter. Right now, it would be terrifying for you. It helps tremendously to have someone by your side, creating a safe space for you and helping you feel relevant, valued and important. That kind of childhood and history can really prevent you from moving forward and growing emotionally. You are worth knowing, you are worth loving, you are worth fighting for Francis. It’s time for you to start to feel that!
Are you able / willing to get some help?
Heidi
Hi Tammy,
I am so sorry to hear this!
How long is this no contact rule being enforced?
Do you understand the reasons of why he is seeking a divorce?
Do you feel it is fixable?
How old are your children?Heidi
Hi Katherine,
Wow! Thank you so much for your compliments and trust in me. I do not take that lightly and fully embrace the kind words you have shared. You made my day! Thank you!
First, I just want to comment how wonderfully clear and grounded you are about this situation. I have much respect for you that you are not spending any energy on being angry, hurtful or shaming/blaming any person in this situation. You just care. You want each person to have a full, happy life that is full of potential!
It’s an interesting thing to watch a situation and know what is happening, understand the dynamics and watch people make decisions that are not the most effective. Being a coach on this forum, the biggest struggle I have is to not be attached to the outcome. I read about situations where the lady is heading into a massive “car crash” and no matter what I say or how I guide, I still have to honor where she is at and trust the process. I have learned, over many years, that although she may be heading into a “car crash,” the pain and the lessons learned are far more valuable than if she had avoided it in the first place. Essentially, you are watching your guy make decisions that could cause an incredible amount of hurt for everyone involved, especially the child. You are sensitive to that, of course. Your challenge is to NOT JUDGE that path. It is INCREDIBLY hard to do. If you trust that whatever path a person ends up, part of that path is about developing resilience, learning to forgive and choosing love over resentment, kindness instead of harm, learning how to be gracious in the middle of your pain…those characteristics, those choices are what develops someone. So even if he chooses this other woman and their child, it’s a journey that they will take and have to figure out. That child will get hurt. Every child gets hurt. They will have to learn how to forgive, how to be resilient, how to have compassion for others….or they won’t learn that. That is the path of the child to take and they will learn what they need to learn.
As far as talking to your guy, instead of thinking about offering guidance, so to speak, why not approach him with curiosity. Asking him questions like, “You have an incredibly beautiful heart. I can see that you care deeply for your child and you care about not wanting to hurt this other woman. I’m wondering, and only you can answer this, do you feel like you are creating this design with her because you are afraid of breaking up or because you truly just want to help. Or maybe it’s a little bit of both?” Another question could be, “What scares you the most about all of this?”
Essentially, what I am getting at with this, is instead of offering guidance, pretend you are a reporter and need a TON of detail to write an accurate story about this situation. Get curious and ask a lot of questions. It will help him feel cared about, it will get him thinking in a new way possibly, getting him talking can help him process more. He may also ask for your opinions as well, but don’t offer it unless he asks…just for now.
I think this would be the best place to start. You both care deeply for each other, so maybe getting more info and bonding through talking and questions and curiosity without any negative reactions…it can help bring more clarity to the situation.
Does this make sense? If you need more ideas for questions, just let us know!
Heidi
Hi Navina,
This is a great question! Do you guys live in the same location or are you long distance?
How is he offering you advice? Over the phone, online, chatting?
This will help me know how to start flirting and how to expand the conversation…
Heidi
Hi Tanya,
I’m sorry to hear he is treating you this way. It’s not fair and is hurtful and is a rollercoaster ride for sure! It sounds like he is just doesn’t know what he wants and is fickle.
Here is the thing Tanya, you are the one getting on that rollercoaster ride. If you don’t want to be treated that way, then it’s time to get off. He knows he can treat you that way because there are not consequences. He knows what to say and how to behave to get you to respond to him. Then he leaves. Truth is, he doesn’t have much respect for you. He doesn’t respect you, because he doesn’t even respect himself and he definitely doesn’t respect women. So if you don’t want to go through this anymore, make him work for it by setting standards and boundaries. Have you read about the “Respect Principle” in this program? I think that would be a wonderful place to start for you.
So my question to you is…what is so special about this guy that he gets to come in, connect with you, play at your heart strings and then walk away? What are you hoping to have happen?
Heidi
Hi Dalia,
I am so sorry! I’m sure this is quite shocking for you to see this side to him after being so connected.
I’m a little confused, so I just want some more details.
So basically, you didn’t want to rush the intimacy. You wanted to go slower and that is what he is mad at you about?
I also want you to understand that this is how he will treat you anytime you upset him. He will go cold, he will say mean things. You are seeing how he handles his feelings when he gets mad. This is the first time, but it definitely will not be the last. So as wonderful as the connection is with him, he is not communicating with you, he is being mean, he is not being a good partner as he won’t work WITH you to create resolution. I know you like this guy, but do you like this side of him too? Because that is what you will be dealing with for years to come. It is NOT your fault. His level of reaction is HIS fault. You were just being yourself and yes, sometimes that upsets people, but that’s just life!!! For him to go cold and become mean, THAT IS HIS RESPONSIBLITY AND PROBLEM. THAT IS HIS FAULT! So that’s the first thing I want you to really connect to. Anytime there is an argument, BOTH people are responsible, so do not take this on as being your fault.
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Katherine,
Man…how frustrating! It’s quite the powerless feeling to watch someone you care so deeply about, start to make decisions that is most likely going to bring a lot of drama and chaos in their life.
You are correct in thinking that he does need to set some clear boundaries. If he were smart, he would never have let her move in. She is trying to create a “family” and get some help, but reality is, she is living in fantasy land, as he doesn’t care for her that way. The thing is, he is participating in that fantasy in order to “help” but it’s just doing more damage. It sounds like he is falling back into some old patterns and that fear is the driving factor for all of it. He has to face his fear and that is a BIG challenge. I sure hope this kid is his! He definitely should get a DNA test once it’s born!
Your choice however, is to continue and keep getting hurt, or to disconnect and hurt that way. Either path is hard and challenging. If you stay, you most likely will go on a serious roller coaster ride with him. You won’t have his full attention, you will be working against a woman who is living with him and carrying his baby and the more he stays in that design, the stronger him and the mom will be bonding as they have to create a life together as they plan for the baby coming. If you go, it could have 1 of 2 effects. You move on, you heal and he gets to deal with his choices all on his own without you OR you move on and the loss of you is something he realizes he doesn’t want to feel, so he fights for keeping you in his life. The loss of you could actually trigger the fight in him to start to create a different design. The problem is, he has a HUGE fear and trauma from his past that seems to be pretty powerful in his life still, but you never know. A lot of times, loss of someone you love can trigger that person to face their fear.
This is important for you to know about him Katherine. The choices he is making right now and how he is handling everything….none of that will go away until he faces his fear. So even if you keep hanging out and trying to figure this out WITH him, he is the kind of guy that will most likely keeping choosing her or his child over you. They are in each other’s lives for decades now. If he already is not able to set some healthy boundaries, then you are in for a very, very long and difficult journey, especially with you not being in the same location at the moment.
It’s important that you accept him for who he is. This pattern of his, will show up in many different ways in his life, even with you, as you keep getting to know each other. That definitely could be something you choose to accept and deal with for sure! I just don’t want you to head into the mindset that many people fall into thinking everything would be great if they just would change their behavior. That is a very dangerous mindset. He deserves to be loved and accepted for ALL of who he is. So if you decide to stay, everything will be about supporting him through this. Of course it’s also important you don’t lose yourself in the process, so you will have a lot to juggle.
You can also say something like this, “Listen, you are the most amazing man and I have felt things with you that have been healing, inspiring and so wonderful. I am also seeing how your fear from the trauma of your ex is still influencing you today. I get it. You know a major trauma I had and how it has affected me. I have great compassion for you on many, many levels. For right now, it’s looking like being with her and supporting her through the pregnancy and whatever else happens after that, is important. I really want to support you through this. I really want to stay connected and keep growing with you. My heart’s desire is to get to know all the levels of you. I have to be honest though, and let you know that I do not know how long I can last with this kind of design you are creating with this other woman. I am feeling myself slow way down and pulling back. I want to fight for you, but you have to fight for yourself. I can’t do that for you. I just want to be honest and let you know that the design you are creating in your life with her, ends up making me have this feeling that you will have an expiration date. I’m not there at this point, but it just feels like we are now on that path since she moved in. I don’t want to be on that path. I want the path of endless possibilities with you. So I just wanted to say something to see how you felt.”
You are not competing against her, you are competing against his fear. And that’s a BIG one. Fear wins many, many times because people won’t face it and then relationships are lost. It’s sad really. If they just faced their fear, wonderful gifts await them. And you of all people would know that!!! You took a risk and became intimate with him after the trauma you had last year! I am so sorry for that by the way. My heart sank when I read that. I would never wish that on anyone, yet I am so happy to know that you are a fighter and you are resilient. You are a role model for him!!!
I’ve said a lot, so I’ll stop there. Let me know your thoughts about what I said and we can go from there. This one is gonna take some time as there are many sensitive dynamics to this.
Heidi
Hi Francis,
Thank you for more information! This was helpful! So the thing is Francis, no one will ever get to know you, unless you use your voice. If you hold everything in, you have a BIG inside world going on, that no one knows about. When you bury thoughts and feelings like that, then the person you are with isn’t able to talk with you, because you are not being honest. It is EXTREMELY frustrating for a guy to ask his lady why she is upset and she says “nothing” or “I’m fine.” It is a VERY common frustration I hear from men all the time. The lady isn’t being honest and essentially, the man takes that answer as being a rejection. The man NEEDS to help. He LOVES to fix. When you are not being honest with a problem or a feeling, and he knows it, he just ends up feeling rejected and powerless.
I am wondering who taught you to keep everything inside? Did your parents role model that for you? Is it part of your culture?
Are you ready to start growing and changing this about yourself, or do you feel okay about it and want to stay the same?
Heidi
Hi!
Thanks for writing in! It sounds like you really love this guy! He is lucky to have a lady who cares so much and will fight for him!
How long have you guys been together?
Does he live with his mom? Or is she close by?
How close are him and his mom? Does she have a lot of power in his life?I don’t know what happened, but it sounds like he is still recovering from whatever happened. It’s a bummer that your fights were about your own parents. Give it some time. It can take a bit of time to heal after some major arguments. Do you feel you created a good resolution with each other? Do you feel you created a good solution so this doesn’t happen again? His love isn’t gone, it’s just buried beneath some of the more intense emotions he is feeling right now. I imagine his mother may also be pressuring him on some level to leave you.
The best thing for you to do right now is to give him some space and don’t pressure. You are going to see each other soon and it’s a great idea to have another talk again. You just be yourself. That is who he fell in love with and if you guys end up getting married, you will have many many moments like these. Being yourself is important. You want to ask him questions, you want to be curious about how he is feeling, you want to be kind and gracious and mostly validating of how he feels. So I would ask questions like, “You have been much less connective this week. I understand you still feel confused about us. Let’s talk about this and see if we can figure this out together. There is a part of you that isn’t sure about me anymore. What are you not sure about? Do you still feel hurt about everything that has happened? How can I be a better partner for you?”
Then when he answers, you validate what he is feeling. Let him talk honestly without having any big reactions. Just talk, seek to understand and create a calm, peaceful time with him so you can work together, as a team, on how to move forward again. In the meantime, be friendly with your texts and just patient until you are able to see him. Maybe between now and then, you could think of something he could help you with? You can activate his hero instinct in a small way. Is there anything you can think of that he could offer you advice or fix or help you with that would be an easy thing for him to do?
Heidi
Hi Ali,
It is a very tough decision for sure!! I wish love were enough though. It’s just not. Love needs to be nurtured and taken care of. Affection for you is very important and it isn’t for him. That is a VERY BIG difference. It’s like one person wanting to have a child and the other one doesn’t. It’s a deal breaker. You need to accept that you are someone who needs affection. You need to accept that he is not someone who wants to give you affection. SO now what? If you wait, what are you waiting for? For him to change? If he is willing to work on, ACTIVELY by DOING something about it and you work together to get on the same page, then absolutely go for it! But if he is not willing to work on it with you, then it really would be honoring for BOTH of you to accept your differences and head in a different direction.
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Christine,
Ouch! I am so sorry!!!! He is not a very kind person. When you see someone snap like that, run the other way! If he is being that mean that you have to get away from him, that is verbal abuse. He would rather blame you as to why things aren’t working vs. taking responsibility for himself. Someone like that is carrying around so much bitterness and anger that the smallest things can set them off. That pool of negative emotions gets triggered and it is so overwhelming they just emotionally vomit on those around them.
Forgive him and let him go. Love yourself enough to stay away from someone so toxic. I’m so glad you are seeing this about him sooner than later. He is not safe. Truth be told, it doesn’t matter where the “asshole” came from…those are details you will never know. What matters is that it is there in the first place and that’s all you need to know for you to run the other way!
Heidi
