Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Lola,
Thank you for more details! This is helpful!
It sounds like he might be tired and he wants to just go live HIS life the way she wants and not have to face anything. He doesn’t want to work so hard as a father. He doesn’t want to have to deal with attitudes and rejections of his kids. I’m not sure what was going on between the 2 of you specifically, but when he says something like “it never ends” he is basically saying that how life was in that moment, he can’t take it as there is no end to the challenge, the drama, the rejection and hurt. To put all of those words and actions into one word, I would say that he is feeling POWERLESS.
Powerlessness is one of the most difficult feelings to deal with. It’s intense and many, many other emotions accompany it. Hopelessness, depression, a feeling like you are not enough. So basically, he feels powerless at home and with his kids (maybe you as well, I don’t know) and here comes along a woman who has been abused and he gets to feel his power again by rescuing her. He sees and feels that she is really responsive to him and he gets to see how he can affect change with her. It’s like a drug for him.
The thing is, it is a completely false sense that he is grabbing onto. For now, it feels wonderful and amazing. The reality of who she is and their “relationship” hasn’t shown up yet. The reality of all the wounds that she carries and what he carries as well, hasn’t shown itself. Stuff like that takes time.
It’s really sad that he is choosing to run away instead of put his foot down and fight to be the best father and husband he can be, regardless of how his children treat him. He is running instead of fighting for them. I understand it’s so intense for him that him choosing this other woman is bringing life back in him. I completely get why he is doing it even though he doesn’t fully understand. It’s still sad as this choice he is making, has some HUGE consequences to it. He is leaving you to deal with the mess.
I’m at a loss to tell you how to “fix” this, as what you are dealing with is very layered and far beyond you just using certain words or techniques to bring him back. His true character is showing you that when it gets hard enough, he will leave. So again, the fundamental problem is not your marriage, not your children….it lives within him. He doesn’t have tolerance, endurance or enough “fight” in him to figure out how to deal with his hopelessness, so that he can be a good role model, so he can still love his children and work through the challenges, so he can deal with his failures. This is about HIS spirit, so if anything is going to change, it will have to come from something inside of him. If it comes from you motivating him somehow, it won’t last. The changes he needs to make needs to come from deep inside his heart. He needs help as well. Even for someone like me, who knows a heck of a lot about intense emotions and has a HUGE skillset and awareness to deal with the challenges in my life….when powerlessness shows up, I ask for help. I believe there are certain emotions that can just knock you off your feet in an instant and cause you to lose ground and it’s times like that, you are not meant to deal with it alone.
So, he left his family and marriage because he felt powerless and has become hopeless about ever seeing any change. He runs to another woman who needs saving, no kids he has to deal with and I’m sure, for right now, she feels like a breath of fresh air.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Ashley,
I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Do you feel ready to create closure? I am wondering if maybe you are having 2nd thoughts about it. Maybe you are still hoping something will change. Just curious!
Heidi
Hi Gaoia,
I wanted to check in and see how you were doing. We would love to hear back from you about any thoughts, more questions, more details….
Heidi
Hi Trine,
Why not try giving him space for a few weeks. Let him initiate, let him ask you questions and share what you feel comfortable sharing. Don’t ask him for anything other than what he has to offer. Be supportive and light and appreciative of him and just leave it at that. You have stated what you need and you feel clear that he understands, so now he needs to take “action” in order to support his words. Right now, his words don’t mean anything. Words are only meaningful when action supports them. So sit back and watch.
He might just need to get through this rough patch. Once he is on the other side, he may connect much stronger again. Give it some time and see what happens. Be supportive and help him through this to the level you feel comfortable and just see what happens at the end of 2 weeks. But….let him initiate. It’s kind of like you are taking the position of sitting back and watching and waiting and observing what REALLY happens when you don’t “fuel” the relationship. It gives him space to miss you and it gives him space to show how much effort he is actually willing to put into this.
Does that feel like a good plan for the next few weeks?
heidi
Hi Lola,
My heart goes out to you! This is so terribly difficult for you. It’s quite a powerless feeling. No matter what you do, he is going to choose her for right now.
I’m curious….how long have you been married? So this other woman is married as well? Are they finding hotels or something to stay at over the weekends?
Do you have any clue as to why he might be drawn to her? I understand she is an old flame, but did he ever complain about your relationship? Anything specific he was struggling with?
You say you have both have a strong love and that it’s worth fighting for. I understand you have strong love for him and want him back. There is an element at play here where he is not showing you that he respects you. He is showing you that he knows he can do whatever he wants, regardless of the damage it causes and he knows you will take him back, no matter what. A man that doesn’t respect his woman, is a man that will do as he pleases. If he can do this now, even if you got him back, who is to say he won’t do it again? There is a fundamental problem here that needs to be addressed, so this doesn’t happen again.
The place I want to start you with is respecting yourself. All you care about and are focused on, is getting him back and getting him to choose you again. What about you? Where is your hurt and anger that he would betray you? Where are your boundaries? Those kinds of emotions are what a man respects. It helps him know and feel the inner strength of his woman. How can he respect and care for you when you won’t don’t that for yourself? How long do you plan on waiting for him? A year? 5 years? 10 years?
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t wait for him. That is your choice and your journey. What I am wanting to do is connect you to some of the truth about what is happening here. The relationship is not just about him, it’s about BOTH of you. So let’s just start with this. Share with us about how you are feeling about his choice. Tell us about any thoughts or feelings you have about it.
And then share with us about any ideas as to why you think he may have left. Whatever “strong” love you believe you both had for each other, it’s not supporting your relationship. His “love” is going somewhere else now, so let’s talk about how you both interacted with each other. Did you argue a lot? How do you know he had a strong love for you? What kinds of things did he say or do to make you feel that from him? Did you recently start to have more troubles? How old is he?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer!!
Thank you for all of the detail. This all makes a lot of sense!
I’m going to just be very blunt with you, as you seem to be the type to just appreciate the truth straight up. So here it goes:
He is from Mexico with a very poor, abusive and uneducated background. You are educated, have money and are successful running a business. You have your birth family who wants you and loves you….and you are white. To Mexicans, a white a girl is a prize in and of itself, but to have a white girl who has money and runs a business and is way more educated…that is just too much. I have no doubt you know this, so I am saying this to remind you. Mexican men are an EXTREMELY prideful culture. They are the man of the household and what they say goes (generally speaking of course). He just has so much low self esteem that when he is around you, that’s all you activate in him. You represent everything he is not. You can say “You are worth loving, I don’t care you aren’t educated, I just need you to communicate and it’s all good” until you are blue in the face, but it won’t matter. He believes what he believes regardless of what you say. This is NOT a matter of convincing him. This is a matter of a solid, core belief he has about himself and it’s not going to change. He needs to be with someone where he feels more like an equal. He needs to be with someone who is more on his level of functioning.
Of course he would not go to meet your family!!! He is way too embarrassed! Again…he doesn’t feel good enough for you. Imagine a kid that grew up poor and abused, walking into a beautiful house with a white family. It’s a completely different world for him and one that is not comfortable. He grew up in the trenches. I know I may exaggerating the details a bit, but it’s probably the truth about how he feels, whether it’s actually true or not. It is HIS truth. So again…it’s not about you saying anything specific to get him to realize YOUR truth. It’s about honoring what is real for him. You are not listening to him and how he feels. All you want to do is tell him how he is wrong in how he feels and convince him otherwise.
Truth be told, he is right. He is not good enough for you. You need someone with confidence. You need someone who faces his fears. You need someone who doesn’t run away at the slightest bit of discomfort. You need someone who is able to be honest and authentic about how he feels. This guy is none of those. These are qualities that are ESSENTIAL for a relationship to work. Without these qualities, it’s a rollercoaster ride that never ends. So again, it doesn’t matter that how he feels about himself and feeling “less than” is actually true or not. It’s HIS reality and the belief that he chooses to invest in. It’s not your job to change that. It’s your job to accept that about him. So in accepting him, it means you also accept how he feels about himself….which is not enough for you. You need something different than what he has to offer you.
So now, my question to you is…what is keeping you connected to a man who is not available for you? He has ghosted you many times, he tells you he isn’t good enough for you, he is not a good communicator….you have enough information now, to know that he is not good at being in relationship with you. He is too fragile to handle any kind of disappointment you might have because of him. So what makes you keep fighting for him? He isn’t going to change. What needs to be changed inside of him, takes YEARS. It’s not something simply fixed by you saying certain things. He has some HUGE wounds!! So even if you did get back together and you managed to convince him to try again…you would end up right back where you are right now. These are patterns that are sourced by fear, low self esteem and a lack of support in his life…these are patterns sourced by LIFELONG thoughts about himself. You cannot fix that. So what are YOU doing trying to fight for a guy that won’t fight for himself?
Hopefully this was okay for you. I look forward to hearing back from you!
Heidi
Awwwwww Peggy!
Thank you so much for sharing your final update! This was wonderful to read and it just warms my heart! You sound peaceful, you sound happy, you sound like you are falling in love and it’s all so wonderful! You deserve to feel all of those things and you fought for them. Relationships are so wonderful and messy all at the same time and it sounds like you guys are working through all of that just wonderfully!
It was a pleasure to cross paths with you and get to be a part of your journey! We wish you well!
Heidi
Hi Lorelle!
Oh wow! This is wonderful!!! You get to spend the entire weekend with him, see how he behaves and responds to many different people and he will get to see the same about you! AND, it’s obvious he moving exactly in the direction you were hoping! You guys are on the same page right now! I’m super excited to hear how everything goes! I wonder if he has even thought about how he will introduce you. Maybe, maybe not, but yes, it will be interesting to see what he says. Either way, you just being there is making quite a statement. He feels safe to bring you into a very important part of his world and introduce you to people he sees all of the time. That is a good sign!! I bet you were just beaming inside as he was explaining all of this!!! hahaha! This is just so exciting!!!!
Thank you for sharing! We LOVE getting the good stories, as they are more rare on this forum!
Heidi
HI Ashley,
Of course you want closure. It’s natural and helpful. I learned at a very young age that I am not always going to get closure, so how can I create that for myself when the other person is no longer available? This is a VERY IMPORTANT skillset, as it will happen here and there, for the rest of your life (especially this day and age).
So I suggest 2 different paths:
1. You can create closure in your heart. Delete his info, stop checking and counting how many days since he has responded. Close your heart and mind and tell yourself it’s over. You might have to remind yourself several times, but keep saying it until you get it. Go out on other dates, talk with your friends as if it’s over and act as if you will never talk to him again.
2. You can send a final text message. “I haven’t heard from you in awhile. I have no idea what happened and probably never will, so it’s time for me to just create closure for myself. I won’t be contacting you anymore and am moving on. I just want to end this by saying thank you. I got to feel things with you that were wonderful and amazing. We had a good adventure while it lasted. I wish you the best! Take care.”
Do either of those approaches resonate for you?
Heidi
Hi Gaoia,
I’m going to ask you a difficult question, but it’s something to consider. How long are you going to wait for him to “break out” of his anger?
I ask this because you have a hope that one day, he will all of a sudden feel better. When there is anger and resentment to the level that he is feeling, it doesn’t just disappear. The way it disappears is by facing it. He needs help. You didn’t just pop out of your depression. You got some help with it with a therapist and created movement that way.
You can love him all you want, support him all you want, but the truth of the situation is….you are powerless when it comes to making his pain go away. Once you embrace that, you might find more peace and feel less “stuck”.
Something to consider about “selfishness.” Wouldn’t you consider him being selfish? He is getting his needs met. He is emotionally vomiting all over you on a daily basis. He is getting his needs met and doesn’t consider how it’s affecting you. All he is caring about is his needs and what he wants to do and how he feels. He is drinking (and very possibly could turn into an alcoholic if he already isn’t) and he is taking you on HIS rollercoaster ride. You don’t exist except to be his punching bag and then a hug when he needs one. So why does he get to be “selfish” and you don’t? Why does he get to have his needs met and you don’t? Do you feel that YOU are not worth fighting for? Speaking up for?
I am wondering if you are part of a particular religion or belief about the roles of a marriage. If not, then I am wondering who taught you treat yourself this way?
I know I have taken a VERY strong approach. I am not suggesting divorce at all, as this is your belief and I completely honor that! What I do want to do is help you realize that you DO have a voice, a heart, a spirit that is worth fighting for and protecting and valuing. I urge you to find some ways to get your needs met and no longer allow yourself to be an emotional punching bag for him. Maybe you can go in a room and leave the conversation when he starts yelling? You can say something like, “I understand you are angry and upset. I would love to hear what you have to say, but only when you talk quietly. I am not going to talk with you like this anymore. I am available for you when you are more calmed down.” Then walk away. Just something to think about. You are teaching him how to respect someone. You are teaching him how to calm down and stop being abusive. That is the best gift you can give him! You are teaching him how to better love himself, by you loving yourself and protecting yourself. Whenever you stay and allow yourself to be emotionally and verbally abused, YOU ARE PARTICIPATING! You are helping him be in his worst self! You are teaching him that it’s okay to treat a person this way. The most loving thing for him you can do, is not participate.
When you are able to surrender to your powerlessness in this situation, you might find more peace instead of feeling stuck. You are not stuck. You are CHOOSING to stay in this marriage. So if that is your choice, embrace it and all that comes with this choice. Embrace that you have a belief that means a lot to you. That means that no matter how he is feeling or how he treats you, you are going to stay. So what can you do with that choice? How can you make the best of this situation? You already do everything you can for him, but what else can you do for yourself to find some peace with the decision to stay? He may never change. It may be another 10 years before anything starts to shift. Who knows! Either way, if this is going to be your life for the next 20 years, how can you help yourself and change your perspective (about yourself) to embrace your choice to stay no matter what?
I know you want advice about how to help him and that is why you are here. The best we can do is help YOU come to grips with what you are choosing and the best possible ways you can help yourself, as he is not willing (at least at this point) to help himself. So all you DO have control over, is yourself. So let’s take that opportunity and do everything possible to help you better accept what is happening.
Heidi
Hello Trine!
Thank you for writing in. We are glad you are here.
He is definitely sending some mixed messages. I can see why you are confused. It would help if we had a little more detail. You have been off and on for 3 years. Do you guys break up for the same reasons each time? When he goes away on trips, does he normally communicate a lot more or does he become distant and “busy” like he is this time?
Just to start out, I would suggest offering him some space. Right now, you are chasing him and pulling at him to connect and he is not responding. If you keep asking if he is okay, if you keep saying “I miss you” and keep pulling at him, he will just keep distancing himself. So I suggest to no longer contact him. It’s time for HIM to initiate. If he doesn’t, then you have some things to think about. How much longer is he gone for?
Heidi
Hi Mary,
It sounds like the age difference really does matter for him and this is something that isn’t fixable and may end up being a constant issue.
For you guys to keep breaking up and getting back together in just the first 5 months of dating, it’s crucial you change that pattern now or it will continue.
You might consider setting some boundaries. Have you thought about saying something like, “I get you have an issue with my age. I understand you feel you don’t deserve me. It’s okay! It is what it is and I need to just accept it. How about we just give it a shot for 3 months, with no breakups. We deal with everything that happens and everything that comes up. No breaking up for 3 months! We just agree that no matter what, we are committed for 3 months and then we can re-evaluate.”
How does this make you feel?
Thought?
Heidi
Hi Lorelle!
What a wonderful update! It sounds like you are seeing the small steps in progress and you are spending more “normal” time together where you are just existing in each other’s space and not talking so deep….AND…the best part is, it sounds like you are more at peace with it all. This is the MOST important aspect. He will feel and notice your peace and acceptance of his speed. I have a feeling that may take you in the exact direction you are wanting to go with him!
Please keep us updated! We love hearing how things are progressing!
Heidi
Hi Jennifer!
Thank you for sharing more details. Your situation is much more dynamic than just a simple “I love you and want to be with you.”
Here are a few things to consider:
1. He is choosing to stay in an unhappy situation and fool / lie to his current girlfriend. He chooses to get his need met by cheating with you instead of facing is situation with honesty and integrity. If this is how he is choosing to respond, then it tells you that he will handle any stressful or unhappy situation with you, in the same manner.
2. He does not sound like he is interested in breaking it off with his current partner. He may be unhappy, but not enough to actually make any changes. He is still willing to play a “role” with this other woman and keep the façade going. Truth is, he is not available for you.
3. If he is staying in relationship because he doesn’t want to be alone, then all you will be is a good landing space for him. It’s a very unhealthy way of living. If someone is afraid of being alone, they end up picking people to keep them company in order to avoid all those feelings they have inside. The relationship is the distraction from the anger, hurt, resentment, abandonment they are feeling inside. If you are in relationship with someone like that, you are more in relationship with them to keep them distracted vs. actually being IN relationship with them. You are “completing” them and filling up their holes and empty spaces. Those types of relationships are destined for big challenge.
4. What is it inside of you, that you would choose to venture down a path and fall in love with a man who is not available for you? Is this a pattern you have of being with men who are emotionally unavailable? No judgment here…that is a pattern I have had as well in my past and understand the great pull that is has! I”m wondering if you have ever really explored this in yourself. Please share!
5. What EXACLTY do you want? Are you wanting him to leave his current girlfriend and then come be with you and be in a committed relationship with you?
Lots to talk about!!!
Heidi
Hi Vanessa!!!
Welcome! It would be really helpful if you started your own post. It can get really confusing trying to answer 2 different people on the same thread. So when you start your new thread, here are some questions to consider. The more detail, the better we can guide you!!
1. What is the unhealthy pattern you have?
2. What kinds of attention are you getting? Sexual? Genuine interest? Being asked out on dates?
3. How are you feeling about that attention?
4. What are you afraid of?
5. You obviously don’t trust yourself. What is it that you don’t trust about yourself when you think about how to respond to this attention?SO glad you are here!!!
Heidi
