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Hi Sabrina,
I am so sorry to hear this!!! It’s heartbreaking!
What kinds of things are you doing to work on your relationship? You said you don’t believe him and you don’t feel like he is putting in the effort to fix things. Why do you feel that way? What kinds of things do you want him to do to make you feel like he is working on the marriage? What kinds of things are you doing to work on the marriage? Do you know why he cheated? Has he cheated before?
Have you checked out our “Relationship Rewrite Method?” It’s wonderful and has a TON of guidance of what women can do to help support their man and their marriage in growth.
More detail is always helpful! We can better offer guidance.
Heidi
Hi Deborah,
Dating is quite the maze isn’t it?? It’s a process of really learning about yourself in front of many different types of people. I first want to invite you to consider, why wait for guy who isn’t even divorced yet? He is going to need some time to heal, to figure out who he is with a new identity of “divorced” and I always recommend spending a certain amount of time NOT dating. It allows for all of the feelings to come up and be processed. If someone coming out of a relationship immediately heads into dating, all of those feelings get buried…but are guaranteed to surface at some point.
He sounds wonderful and it sounds like he is being honest however, truth be told, he is not available for you. You want to wait? For how long? I’m not saying to close the door on him. I am saying to keep dating, keep learning about yourself, keep having experiences and if, at some point, he shows up again, then you can deal with it at that time. But for now, he is not available, so it’s important for you to move on. I know there is a connection with him, but there will be other men as well. Give it a chance to happen. You want to connect with someone who can offer you something in return.
THoughts??
Heidi
Hi Nancy,
Does he live in the same area as you? How long have you been connecting with him?
First, I do want to invite you to slow down a bit. You are wanting to pursue a relationship with someone you have never met before. You already have said to him, “I want to support you (us) and your way of thinking so we can expand and grow and explore your way of thinking” which is basically saying, “you matter more than me and I will support your way at the expense of my way.” I am wondering if this is what you meant to communicate to him? I am wondering if you are afraid of losing him, so you are being passive in efforts to try to get him to stay connected. Is this how you are feeling? I don’t want to misunderstand what is happening.
Have you tried to meet up before or was this the first time you made an attempt at meeting in person??
I’m always VERY cautious with a person who will connect REALLY well over technology, but then comes up with excuses when it comes to meeting in person. There is always something fishy going on with that kind of dynamic. Women tend to get caught up in that and the men that play those games, are very skilled in keeping them connected. Do you think this is at all possible with your situation???
Heidi
Hi Deborah!
Welcome! We are glad you are here!
What lead you to this book in particular? There are a million books out there about love and relationship, so how did this book catch your attention? Just curious.
Heidi
Hi Lorelle,
My inclination is for you NOT to leave orchids at this moment. You have pulled back and you want him to contact you. You are doing a GREAT job not texting him!!! I know how hard that can be. Thank goodness you have a g/f helping you with that!!! If you leave orchids for him, you are contacting him which is going against what you want to create right now. HE NEEDS TO INITIATE!!! So leave the orchids idea for another day. He needs to miss you. He needs to not hear from you and he needs to reach out. Give him the chance to do that!!!
As far as start signs go, I do believe that our astrology can influence how we interact in life and what shows up. However, that sign that we all claim we are, is a VERY little sliver of the full picture. There is much more to our “sign” than that particular planet we identify ourselves as. But again, when it comes to understanding a person and why they are the way they are, it is 1 lense you can look through. There are many lenses to view through! There are a tone of books that “type” people according to HOW they love. Have you heard of the Love Languages?? That’s a good book! What you want to do is keep learning who he is and digging deeper as to what influences him. His childhood, his sign, his love language type, his personality type, being a male, his numerology etc. It’s fun to get know someone through all of those portals as they each have some good pieces to it!
Lastly, I didn’t realize yesterday that there was a 2nd page that had started with your post, so I responded from your last post on the first page. So Kanya had responded with some guidance for you already and it was different than what I had guided you towards. I don’t like to contradict her as it can create confusion and she always offers wonderful ideas. Even though we have different opinions, remember that you know what will work well for you and what resonates with you most. Her approach with flirting, can work well too! It’s all about the delivery, when it comes down to it and you seem like the kind of person who would be able to get creative in your delivery 🙂
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Lorelle!
I would go for the “respect” route. When a woman is flirty, it’s easy for guys to get confused and not receive a clear message. You can however, send a clear message of how those deeper parts of who you are, is something you are careful and protective of and that you don’t share those parts with just anyone.
You can say something like, “Listen, I would love to have those kind of experiences with you. If we keep heading in this wonderful direction, I have no doubt we will share many, many sexual adventures with each other. But, in this very moment, I am not quite ready for that. I want to get to know you more first. Is that okay for you?”
It’s simple, clear and lets him no the answer is not “no” forever and you give him a good feeling by letting him know you look forward to those kinds of experiences at some point, so he won’t feel like you are rejecting him.
Does this make sense? No matter how you approach it, I have no doubt you both will get through those moments. You guys have such great communication skills!As far as saying that you are going out with “a friend,” I would suggest to NOT insinuate on any level that it could be another man. Men have different kinds of reactions to this. It works super well with some and with others, may cause them to put walls up. Things are good right now. I think you pulling away and getting him to initiate more is enough to get his attention. Besides, you saying you went out with your girlfriends is threatening enough. Guys know that going out with girlfriends means “patrolling” is going on. They know that men will be looking and girls will be flirting. At this point, there is no need to get him jealous. What you are doing is working, so stick with that plan for now. If something shifts, then a new approach can be taken.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Lorelle!
WONDERFUL questions!
What I would invite you to think about is this: If you viewed your heart, your sexuality, your body, your mind, your spirit and the depths of those places as sacred, special and the most precious gifts, would you hand it over to someone you barely knew? Probably not.
I know you both have exchanged a lot of WORDS. I know those words have been deep and full of meaning and there is a bond and connection that has been created on a very deep level. However, NOTHING can replace time together. Most of the depth that has been created has come from an exchange of sharing your story through words. Another level of depth that needs to be created will occur through time. There is still soooooo much you don’t know about each other through EXPERIENCE. You have very little time spend with him, watching how he reacts to his life IN THE MOMENT. You haven’t had an argument yet, to see what he feels and how he treats you when there are hurt feelings. You haven’t seen him angry, you haven’t seen him cry. My point is, even though there has been a deep exchange of words, feelings, emotions, TIME is still needed to put substance behind those other exchanges.
My suggestion is to take it slow. Do not ask him if he thinks if you are in love with him. Do not ask him about what he meant about hurting you. My only reason behind that is to invite you to WATCH him and just be with him and get your answers that way vs. being direct. You both have gone so deep with each other, it’s important to also be surface and NOT go deep on purpose. Let the relationship unfold in organic ways sometimes, instead of getting all of your answers directly by asking questions. There are 2 ways to get to know someone. Conversation and experiences with them. You both have done an incredible job with the conversation side of things. Now…let the experiences side of things catch up as it’s far behind. You need time to see if his actions align with his words and he needs to see the same about you as well. You need to see how you navigate, as a couple, through life in REAL TIME.
So when it comes to the sex, keep it light and easy. Know that your experimental side, your tantric side is SPECIAL!!! It’s a deep part of you that needs to be EARNED. Let some time pass and make sure that he is really a good match for you. So far he is, but there still is a HUGE limitation on how much time you are able to spend with each other, so that means getting to know him on that level, is going really slow….which is a good thing. So keep the sex at a slower pace and guard those deeper parts of your heart, your body, your mind and save those for later, once you both have grown deeper because of all the memories you have created together.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Melissa!
I’m glad you wrote in! What a wonderful birthday! He said some amazing things!
I’m just wondering, what were your responses to everything he said? Other than “you have too much going on to move in” what did you say to him after he opened up his heart to you with all of those wonderful feelings of his?
Did you ever think that it was a HUGE deal that he basically professed his love to you and then YOU don’t even contact him? He took a huge step of vulnerability, which is terrifying and if he didn’t feel you were on the same page, he might have taken a step back, wondering if he scared you away. He just might be kicking himself right now for saying everything that he did to you and now he may think he scared you away because he hasn’t heard from you.
Just something to consider.
He is your boyfriend. Why would you think you were “bugging” him? What is your normal pattern of communication? Daily texting? Daily phone calls?
Heidi
Hi Lorelle!
The moment you stop building a life for yourself (no matter the age), you have stopped living. So good job still fighting for it! You have a wonderful mindset that will get you where you want to go!
I can understand now why he would be afraid of hurting you. Women respond intensely to depth in a man, because it is so rare. So I can see why many women would fall hard for him, yet he would not feel the same intensity. I think I agree with you about him being worried about you falling in love with him, especially since you are bending over backwards to stay connected with him.
With this being said, make sure you create some space for him to chase you. It’s important that you say “no” to him sometimes and make him work for you a little bit. I’m sure you already know this from everything you have learned over the years, but thought I would re-iterate it. Holding some of yourself back and making him earn those special parts of who you are, makes the relationship much more interesting, mysterious and captivating. He will respond to that most likely. He is probably so used to women giving him everything he wants, because they have fallen for him. He probably would love to have to work a little harder and respect that more!!!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Lorelle!
You are right! I will never forget a day (about 20 years ago) when I smiled and said hi to a man that passed me at the gas station pump. I was just being nice when we made eye contact. It wasn’t flirty at all. When he walked back out, he stopped and said to me something to the affect of, “Thank you so much for saying hello. It actually has made my entire day!” And then he got in his car and left. He imprinted on me a very important message that somehow I have never forgotten (I forget everything!!! lol). So keep it up!!!
Hi Loana!
Thank you for writing in! It would help to have more details if you feel okay about sharing more.
1. You have been married 3 months. For those 3 months, were you physically close for those 3 months?
2. How long did you date before you got married?
3. Is the couple’s counseling working? (that’s great you both are getting help!)
4. Do you know why your husband wishes to be free?
5. Do you want to have sex, but he doesn’t? Or maybe he wants sex and you don’t….what’s the situation?
6. How old are the both of you?Whenever there is a lack of intimacy, it’s usually either a physical problem, a problem with the hormones or something emotionally has happened. Do you know which it is?
Heidi
HI Sharon,
WELL DONE!!! I know how hard and tempting it is to connect with the guy who puts butterflies in your stomach, as often as possible. You are being smart by being good with 3 nights and leaving it at that. When you are a super strong connector like you are, it’s important to put on the breaks and let the guy take the lead. If you took the lead, it may be overwhelming to him.
I’m guessing you are seeing this evening and you already hung out yesterday. How did everything go???
As far as your other guy, it’s interesting that he won’t hang out, but he is still interested in connecting. In all the texting, is he flirty at all? Is there still chemistry? Or are you guys interacting more like friends?
Heidi
Hi Lorelle!
Wow! You sure have had a go at it haven’t you! I think that’s awesome! Those are some seriously tough relationships and here you are, still choosing to give love a shot! I have a lot of respect for you for growing and learning and not giving up on the type of experience you want to have in your life! Love is a process and very rarely, an easy one. It sounds like you have been getting to know yourself really well and bottom line, that is the most important aspect of this journey!!!
The marco polo app is not a social media platform. It would be no different than a texting app, except it’s video, not texting. However, if his company wanted to take his phone back, they could see all the videos you both sent to each other….he can delete them though each time if he wanted.
It sounds like everything is going the way it needs to for right now. The slower the better, especially since you are not even officially divorced yet. I am wondering if he thinks about that at all. I have no doubt you both have talked about it, as it sounds like your communication is pretty spectacular!
So I would love to hear some ways that you give of yourself too much. Do you know why? How long have you been aware of this about yourself? Is that part of you shifting now?
Thank you for sharing that. I’d love to talk more about it!
Heidi
Holy smokes! He really is under a lot of time constraints. That’s so sad! It’s not a way to live life at all. Hopefully it really will be a short season of this vs. a long term choice. If it’s a short season, then I suggest a bit of a different approach.
First and foremost, you need to be VERY clear of what you want from him. It’s crucial that you don’t approach this with a “I want more time with you or more connection with you” and leave it at that. Men need CLEAR and CONCISE directions.
I just had an idea pop into my head that may be a good way to meet your needs and even his. Have you ever heard of the app Marco Polo? It’s really wonderful! I admit to being HORRIBLE at keeping in touch with people. I strongly dislike talking on the phone and whenever I text, it’s very abbreviated and with limited information. Then Marco Polo came around. My friend in China introduced it to me and now, we exchange messages about 4 to 5 times a week. It’s like walkie talkie, but you do it as a video. I love it because I can put my phone on the mount in my car and I can just turn on Marco Polo and start talking while I’m driving. Once I’m done talking, then the video message immediately gets sent to him. Then he sends me a message whenever he is ready. It’s so great because I get to see his face, here is tone of voice and we both just babble on about all kinds of stuff. It’s easy, effortless and I can do while in my car since every other minute of my day is booked. I am a crazy busy person, but this works for me. Since he is driving so much, maybe this can be a good way to stay connected! He can listen to your video messages in his car as well!
You can maybe introduce it like this…”Listen…I miss you terribly. You make me feel things that I have never felt before. Because of that, it makes it that much more difficult to have such an amazing and deep connection with you and then go to very little contact. I understand your situation and I accept it. I’m not going anywhere. I was just thinking of ways that we can keep connecting without taking up anymore of your time. So I thought about this app Marco Polo…..”
What about that approach?
Heidi
Hi Lorelle!
Thanks for sharing your story and offering some very good / important detail. It’s always helpful for us!
I totally understand why you are confused and having a hard time. It sounds like there are a lot of dynamics happening here. When he says he is afraid of hurting you, that is saying he doesn’t trust himself. He doesn’t trust that he has follow through and sustainability with a woman and / or he doesn’t want to go through his own feelings of breaking up with you and / or he has very little capability of handling a relationship and the hurt and disappointments he causes in you (which are just normal relationship things).
He set his life up pretty well. He gets to disappear, because of work and he gets to connect when he feels like it and not in recovery mode. So he creates a lot of time for himself (which keeps the distance) and then has some intense intimate time with you (which feels wonderful) and then he goes back to his alone time.
Reality is, how he designs his life and how he manages his stress is not relationship conducive. It works well for something light and easy playful, but for an intense, deep relationship, it will never work. He is not allowing you into his life except when it’s convenient for him. And here you are, having intense, deep connections with him and then immediately back to zero…to hardly any connection at all. Any woman would have a hard time with this.
Have you talked about creating a different design? I think it’s important for you to have your needs acknowledged here. He is getting every the wants and he asks for it and expects it. Why not you? Relationship is about compromise. You can say something like, “It’s difficult for me to go from this wonderful connection to almost nothing and never knowing when you will be available again. I understand your needs and how you respond to your life. The thing is, I can’t sustain this kind of design. I want to grow with you and get to know you. Slowly is fine for me, but maybe we can create a different design of “slow”. Instead of an all or nothing kind of thing, can we arrange date night once a week? Can we arrange a skype call once a week? I need a little encouragement here if you would like me to hang on and keep moving forward with you. What do you think?”
How does a conversation of this nature make you feel?
Heidi
