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HI Ashley,
Of course you want closure. It’s natural and helpful. I learned at a very young age that I am not always going to get closure, so how can I create that for myself when the other person is no longer available? This is a VERY IMPORTANT skillset, as it will happen here and there, for the rest of your life (especially this day and age).
So I suggest 2 different paths:
1. You can create closure in your heart. Delete his info, stop checking and counting how many days since he has responded. Close your heart and mind and tell yourself it’s over. You might have to remind yourself several times, but keep saying it until you get it. Go out on other dates, talk with your friends as if it’s over and act as if you will never talk to him again.
2. You can send a final text message. “I haven’t heard from you in awhile. I have no idea what happened and probably never will, so it’s time for me to just create closure for myself. I won’t be contacting you anymore and am moving on. I just want to end this by saying thank you. I got to feel things with you that were wonderful and amazing. We had a good adventure while it lasted. I wish you the best! Take care.”
Do either of those approaches resonate for you?
Heidi
Hi Gaoia,
I’m going to ask you a difficult question, but it’s something to consider. How long are you going to wait for him to “break out” of his anger?
I ask this because you have a hope that one day, he will all of a sudden feel better. When there is anger and resentment to the level that he is feeling, it doesn’t just disappear. The way it disappears is by facing it. He needs help. You didn’t just pop out of your depression. You got some help with it with a therapist and created movement that way.
You can love him all you want, support him all you want, but the truth of the situation is….you are powerless when it comes to making his pain go away. Once you embrace that, you might find more peace and feel less “stuck”.
Something to consider about “selfishness.” Wouldn’t you consider him being selfish? He is getting his needs met. He is emotionally vomiting all over you on a daily basis. He is getting his needs met and doesn’t consider how it’s affecting you. All he is caring about is his needs and what he wants to do and how he feels. He is drinking (and very possibly could turn into an alcoholic if he already isn’t) and he is taking you on HIS rollercoaster ride. You don’t exist except to be his punching bag and then a hug when he needs one. So why does he get to be “selfish” and you don’t? Why does he get to have his needs met and you don’t? Do you feel that YOU are not worth fighting for? Speaking up for?
I am wondering if you are part of a particular religion or belief about the roles of a marriage. If not, then I am wondering who taught you treat yourself this way?
I know I have taken a VERY strong approach. I am not suggesting divorce at all, as this is your belief and I completely honor that! What I do want to do is help you realize that you DO have a voice, a heart, a spirit that is worth fighting for and protecting and valuing. I urge you to find some ways to get your needs met and no longer allow yourself to be an emotional punching bag for him. Maybe you can go in a room and leave the conversation when he starts yelling? You can say something like, “I understand you are angry and upset. I would love to hear what you have to say, but only when you talk quietly. I am not going to talk with you like this anymore. I am available for you when you are more calmed down.” Then walk away. Just something to think about. You are teaching him how to respect someone. You are teaching him how to calm down and stop being abusive. That is the best gift you can give him! You are teaching him how to better love himself, by you loving yourself and protecting yourself. Whenever you stay and allow yourself to be emotionally and verbally abused, YOU ARE PARTICIPATING! You are helping him be in his worst self! You are teaching him that it’s okay to treat a person this way. The most loving thing for him you can do, is not participate.
When you are able to surrender to your powerlessness in this situation, you might find more peace instead of feeling stuck. You are not stuck. You are CHOOSING to stay in this marriage. So if that is your choice, embrace it and all that comes with this choice. Embrace that you have a belief that means a lot to you. That means that no matter how he is feeling or how he treats you, you are going to stay. So what can you do with that choice? How can you make the best of this situation? You already do everything you can for him, but what else can you do for yourself to find some peace with the decision to stay? He may never change. It may be another 10 years before anything starts to shift. Who knows! Either way, if this is going to be your life for the next 20 years, how can you help yourself and change your perspective (about yourself) to embrace your choice to stay no matter what?
I know you want advice about how to help him and that is why you are here. The best we can do is help YOU come to grips with what you are choosing and the best possible ways you can help yourself, as he is not willing (at least at this point) to help himself. So all you DO have control over, is yourself. So let’s take that opportunity and do everything possible to help you better accept what is happening.
Heidi
Hello Trine!
Thank you for writing in. We are glad you are here.
He is definitely sending some mixed messages. I can see why you are confused. It would help if we had a little more detail. You have been off and on for 3 years. Do you guys break up for the same reasons each time? When he goes away on trips, does he normally communicate a lot more or does he become distant and “busy” like he is this time?
Just to start out, I would suggest offering him some space. Right now, you are chasing him and pulling at him to connect and he is not responding. If you keep asking if he is okay, if you keep saying “I miss you” and keep pulling at him, he will just keep distancing himself. So I suggest to no longer contact him. It’s time for HIM to initiate. If he doesn’t, then you have some things to think about. How much longer is he gone for?
Heidi
Hi Mary,
It sounds like the age difference really does matter for him and this is something that isn’t fixable and may end up being a constant issue.
For you guys to keep breaking up and getting back together in just the first 5 months of dating, it’s crucial you change that pattern now or it will continue.
You might consider setting some boundaries. Have you thought about saying something like, “I get you have an issue with my age. I understand you feel you don’t deserve me. It’s okay! It is what it is and I need to just accept it. How about we just give it a shot for 3 months, with no breakups. We deal with everything that happens and everything that comes up. No breaking up for 3 months! We just agree that no matter what, we are committed for 3 months and then we can re-evaluate.”
How does this make you feel?
Thought?
Heidi
Hi Lorelle!
What a wonderful update! It sounds like you are seeing the small steps in progress and you are spending more “normal” time together where you are just existing in each other’s space and not talking so deep….AND…the best part is, it sounds like you are more at peace with it all. This is the MOST important aspect. He will feel and notice your peace and acceptance of his speed. I have a feeling that may take you in the exact direction you are wanting to go with him!
Please keep us updated! We love hearing how things are progressing!
Heidi
Hi Jennifer!
Thank you for sharing more details. Your situation is much more dynamic than just a simple “I love you and want to be with you.”
Here are a few things to consider:
1. He is choosing to stay in an unhappy situation and fool / lie to his current girlfriend. He chooses to get his need met by cheating with you instead of facing is situation with honesty and integrity. If this is how he is choosing to respond, then it tells you that he will handle any stressful or unhappy situation with you, in the same manner.
2. He does not sound like he is interested in breaking it off with his current partner. He may be unhappy, but not enough to actually make any changes. He is still willing to play a “role” with this other woman and keep the façade going. Truth is, he is not available for you.
3. If he is staying in relationship because he doesn’t want to be alone, then all you will be is a good landing space for him. It’s a very unhealthy way of living. If someone is afraid of being alone, they end up picking people to keep them company in order to avoid all those feelings they have inside. The relationship is the distraction from the anger, hurt, resentment, abandonment they are feeling inside. If you are in relationship with someone like that, you are more in relationship with them to keep them distracted vs. actually being IN relationship with them. You are “completing” them and filling up their holes and empty spaces. Those types of relationships are destined for big challenge.
4. What is it inside of you, that you would choose to venture down a path and fall in love with a man who is not available for you? Is this a pattern you have of being with men who are emotionally unavailable? No judgment here…that is a pattern I have had as well in my past and understand the great pull that is has! I”m wondering if you have ever really explored this in yourself. Please share!
5. What EXACLTY do you want? Are you wanting him to leave his current girlfriend and then come be with you and be in a committed relationship with you?
Lots to talk about!!!
Heidi
Hi Vanessa!!!
Welcome! It would be really helpful if you started your own post. It can get really confusing trying to answer 2 different people on the same thread. So when you start your new thread, here are some questions to consider. The more detail, the better we can guide you!!
1. What is the unhealthy pattern you have?
2. What kinds of attention are you getting? Sexual? Genuine interest? Being asked out on dates?
3. How are you feeling about that attention?
4. What are you afraid of?
5. You obviously don’t trust yourself. What is it that you don’t trust about yourself when you think about how to respond to this attention?SO glad you are here!!!
Heidi
Hi Sharon,
This is a great question!
I get it…you are wanting to do all of these fun activities with a man…it’s a way of bonding and having fun together! I suggest to let go of the idea of doing all of these fun activities WITH a guy. Instead, focus on creating your life with your friends or even alone. I do a TON of things alone. I go to events and completely enjoy the entertainment by myself and I ALWAYS meet new people that way. It’s quite wonderful actually. It’s living life as you would if those guys were not an option. That’s the mindset you need to have.
Then….if they happen to invite you to something, that can be a BONUS to your already fun and adventurous life. Stop inviting them. There hasn’t been enough traction yet where you are functioning more like a couple and it would be normal for you to create and initiate plans. When it’s the very beginning, you let the guy take the lead and let him create the pace. If you find it doesn’t work well for you, you can create closure or you can decide to say something and see what happens, but regardless, allowing the man to take the lead allows you to REALLY see the level of investment he has with you.
So yes, for now and because of the newness with both guys, take a step back and don’t invite them anywhere. Birthdays are so personal and usually events reserved for people that have a lot of meaning to the bday person, so I am not surprised that the guy you invited would be cautious about that. He is connecting more, which is great, but he still needs a lot of time to recover from what he is dealing with. I guarantee he is still not emotionally available and I doubt he will be for awhile. You will be more like a rebound for him if he decides to jump in with you.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Lorelle,
The more you share, the more I get convinced of what Kanya said. It just seems like the 2 of you are at different speeds. You admitted earlier that you tend to go too fast. He seems to go quite slow and that is confusing you like crazy. He is also dealing with some MAJOR things for work, which makes it a pretty normal thing for a man to focus ALL of his attention on making something happen.
I really think that if you just give it more time, find your patience and just let him be whatever he needs to be for a few more months, he might start to turn a corner. I think that letting him do what he does for now and then seeing what he is like after the bird shows are over. He will have more time and I imagine may involve you in his life more. But for now, I imagine your LACK of pressure is making him feel pretty wonderful…I imagine that you having a life outside of him and him knowing that, makes him feel more safe with you and I imagine your acceptance of his life at the moment, is helping draw him in even closer to you. So maybe consider holding off on any conversations until January??
Thoughts?
Heidi
Man….I’m so sorry Nancy!
How long has it been since he has texted you? Are you texting him and he isn’t responding anymore? Did something happen that you are aware of?
If he has stopped connecting with you, my guess is, he was playing quite the game.
Any more details are helpful!
Heidi
Hi Arielle,
You both have been through quite a bit in a short amount of time. I can see that you really want to work through everything and I understand that.
You are doing a wonderful job really looking at the areas in which you were ineffective for him! That’s a difficult journey to take to look at yourself and see how you behaved in a way to contributed to him disconnecting.
With that being said, you are doing the same exact thing that you originally did to push him away. You are pestering him like crazy about connecting. You did it in the beginning and now you are doing it again. So you say that you are so sorry and want to change, yet you are still doing the same behavior, even though it’s for a different reason.
The first thing you need to do is give him space. He has set some boundaries. It’s important that you show him that you can respect his wishes. He has said to you, many times, in a polite way…that he wants to just live his life alone right now and not have to worry about your feelings. So let him do that. The more you contact him, the more you will push him away. The more you contact him, the less attraction he will feel for you, the less respect he will feel towards you and the more he will want to keep you at a distance. Let him CHASE YOU! Let him feel the absence of you in his life. This is so important for him to feel, so he can miss you. He cannot miss you if you are always contacting him. He cannot respect you if you are constantly chasing him and behaving in a desperate way. A man LOVES a woman who knows she is okay without him. A man LOVES a woman who has strength to take care of herself, without “needing” him to make her feel better. A man respects a woman who can take care of herself. He already has a TON to deal with in his career, he needs to feel you will be okay with this design. So show him! Give him the space he needs. Just start with that.
You can send a final message saying, “Listen…I know I’ve bombarded you. It’s time for me to stop. I am going to go take care of myself now and stop putting all of my emotions on you to take care of. It’s not your job. I will leave you be and finally respect your need to just go do “you.” I’d love to hear from you every once in awhile if you are willing. I love you and take care!”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Gaoia,
I am soooo sorry for all that you are going through. I can see that you love him very much and wish to get things back to where they were. It is beyond challenging to feel powerless. You are having to face, within yourself, that there is NOTHING you can do to change how he is behaving and living his life. You cannot change his anger, you cannot change his yelling, you cannot change his relationship with his mother, you cannot change his choice to be a victim in his life. It’s an awful feeling to have to watch someone you deeply care about, alienate themselves from everything good they have. That’s what he is doing. He is doing everything he can to push people away. He is dealing with something VERY deep and it’s now coming out and wreaking havoc on his life.
Because he is dealing with some very deep anger, resentment and fear, it is a journey only he can take to fix it, heal it and figure out what the source is. The truth is, it’s time for you to embrace the person he is today. I know you know the “other” person where everything was so wonderful, but now you know this current person too. There is no magical formula that exists anywhere, that can snap someone out of that much anger, resentment etc. He is letting all of those emotions consume him! He won’t get help. He might need some medication to help him through this. Regardless, there is a point where you need to choose your own health and emotional safety over your husband’s. There is a point where you are sacrificing yourself, in efforts to save him (which will never happen – he has to save himself).
So where do YOUR needs fit into all of this? Are you just going to continue to choose to be a doormat to his daily emotional vomiting all over you? You have already done MANY things to become a better partner. As you see, it hasn’t changed a thing. He is worse than before, despite all of your efforts. Whatever he is dealing with IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!
So we can give you all of the advice in the world about how to be a better partner, but it doesn’t change that he is not interested in being a better husband. He is going to do whatever he wants to do, therefore you are left to deal with effects of that.
I know you want to save him and help him find himself again. Even if you were able to do that somehow, it won’t change that whatever is causing him to behave this way, won’t go away. Which only guarantees that it will rear its ugly head again.
So your choice is this….choose yourself, or choose him. If you choose him, you choose to live in daily pain and rejection. If you choose yourself, you say goodbye and deal with the pain of the loss of your dreams with him and you start over.
What he is dealing with is beyond your capability. I’m so sorry to tell you this. I know you are wanting SOMETHING to do, so you can help. You have done what you know how. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink….and that applies in your situation. You can do everything you know how to do to be better, but he still needs help. As long as he is willing to indulge in his resentment and anger, then he gets to. He will deal with the consequences of all of that and he will take you down with him as long as you choose to participate….and you get to do that too.
I’m know I’m taking a hard line here, but from what you describe with how he responds to you on a daily basis, it’s time for you to face the seriousness of this and the risks you are taking for YOURSELF. You pay high consequences living in an environment like that. What needs to be fixed, is far beyond any techniques or things to say or do that would be in the power of your hands.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Ashley,
It sucks doesn’t it? Being ghosted feels pretty awful. Ever since the online dating thing really took off and caught fire, ghosting has become the number problem that has shown up. People have found a way to “hide” when it comes to disconnecting. They just disappear instead of say what they need to say to create closure. Communication has gone down the toilet! I’m sorry you had to experience this. It will continue to get easier and easier. Keep disconnecting your thoughts from him and direct them into a new experience you would like to have. Create that new vision in your mind and put your energy there. It’s hard to lose something without replacing it with something else.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Ezanda!
I’m so sorry!! Was this a surprise to you? Or did you maybe see signs of this coming around? What was his reasoning for wanting to break up? If we understand the reasons for breaking up, it helps us guide you better in how to repair whatever has happened. I know he said he doesn’t love you anymore, but do you know why? Has he found another woman? Is his job at risk? Has something happened in his family?
Many times, love can get pushed to the very back if there are super intense things happening in their life. All they feel is the intensity and they don’t really have access to the feelings of love with their partner.I wouldn’t say anything about your anniversary. It sounds like right now, his mindset is not in that place. Anniversaries are meant for bonding, connecting, reminiscing, building more memories and being on the same page. Right now, you guys are none of that, so the anniversary thing is not appropriate at the moment.
Have you ever checked out our “Relationship Rewrite Method?” It has a lot of wonderful tools and concepts in there, that are important ways a woman can support and understand her man better. Check it out!
I also want to make sure…you guys have been together almost 13 years…yes? Did you ever want to get married or was that something that wasn’t important to you or him?
Share as many details as you feel comfortable!
Heidi
HI Ashley!
First of all, well done that you said something! Many people just let things slide and end up months down the road with someone with too much built up crap they are holding inside.
Here is the reality about dating, especially in the beginning. It can be sensitive and fragile. I have done the same as you where I have confronted something I wanted to understand more about. I can’t tell you how many guys that has chased away. Maybe I could have said things better or differently. Many times, like you, my intentions were even probably misunderstood. This is what I always come back to and trust….connection and even something much deeper than connection is MUCH bigger than any fumbles I make along the way of a developing relationship. I trust that if my desire to authentic about how I’m feeling and what I see, causes a guy to run the other direction….he is not the guy for me. He either didn’t like me enough to “work through” my questions or he is the type to not handle confrontations well….or maybe both.
Reality is, it doesn’t matter what his reasons are for disconnecting from you….his choice has been to disconnect and that gives you the answer you are looking for….you are NOT on the same page. Even if you needed to say it differently, a guy who is comfortable working through some sticking points, will TALK with you about it, be interested in how you are feeling and work with you on it. Anyone who is not comfortable with confrontation or questions about their behaviors and actions….they run. He ran AND now he is even ghosting you. If you were to take the connection you had with him out of the equation and just look at his behavior, what would you think about this guy? He is a guy who says A LOT of things, but doesn’t have follow through. From what you are saying, that’s a pattern. It’s enough of a pattern, that it made you want to actually talk about it. And when you did talk about it, he AGAIN, has had not follow through. Is this the kind of guy you want to keep fight for??
Thoughts??
Heidi
