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Man Lola,
it’s a tough situation. Someone who is irritated by his life that involves just the daily activities of taking care of his kids and house…he is definitely depleted. I understand his need to run away. I don’t respect it, but I understand it.
Is he still involved on any level? What is the living situation? I’m wanting to guide you towards certain techniques, but it would depend on how much you guys interact and how and what the living situation is. Has he completely disappeared? Does he still connect with your children?
Give me more a current, general picture of how you guys interact and what your relationship is like.
My heart goes out to you. Out of curiosity, how long are you willing to wait?
Heidi
Hi Mary,
How are you doing today??? Are you still holding strong? It would make everything so much easier if he just had the guts and strength to be honest right? I’m so sorry. My heart understands. I can’t change that it hurts, but what I can do is offer you hope and guidance towards a new vision. You will heal, the pain will eventually disappear and one day, you will be looking back, grateful for how it turned out, because you will be with someone 10 million times better!
Keep fighting for something more in your life. Love yourself more than loving your desire to connect to him. You are worth it!!!
Heidi
Whooooa Shannon! This is the best news ever!!! Thank you for sharing!!! When do you close? Tell us more about the house and what you both love about it…and in what way the time matched up. What happened??? I love a good story!
We are so happy to have gotten to be a part of your process. It’s always a gift!
Heidi
Hi Mary,
You are doing a great job! I just want to keep encouraging you. I know how hard this is, as women are typically VERY strong connectors compared to men.
Here is why…(speaking in general terms) the core of woman is about connection. If you take connection/relationship away from her, she doesn’t know who she is. Anxiety, depression and low self esteem start to show up everywhere. That is why women are much better at staying home to care for the “relationships” of her children compared to men. The core of a man is about his ability to produce. If you take away his job, his ways of being able to “produce” something, like money, like doing projects, like fixing something….that’s when their anxiety and depression and low self esteem show up.
So basically, our attentions and our very natural drives to get our needs met, are fundamentally different. As you are one side, being triggered deeply, because “connection” has been taken away, he is on the other side, not thinking much of it. It’s not unusual. Typically, once a guy’s heart gets more invested, he has a stronger need to connect. But until you reach that place in a guy’s heart, he will go about his day and not invest much thought into the relationship. It’s so difficult because we, on the other end, can’t stop thinking about it!!! It’s not fair!! lol.
Keep strong!!! It is CRUCIAL for a guy feel like his woman is okay without him. It establishes respect. He will love that he gets to initiate. When he does, don’t mention that it’s been a week and where has he been! Just be happy that he connected and reward him for initiating! Go with the flow and go with the speed he is willing to create. See what happens.
There may be a point in time where another discussion needs to happen, if you are not seeing any growth. But for right now, keep yourself busy, like what Kanya said. It will help!!!
Heidi
Hi Peggy,
Wow…this is a surprise! From everything you were saying, it sounded like you both were in a relationship. I’m not sure I understand what he means by “he doesn’t have any feelings.”
I need clarification for that and any other details to help with the context of this conversation.
Hold tight. I would not start dating other guys, I would not put your face out there just yet. I think there needs to be more of a conversation and clarification. Many, many, many times, people say things in a weird way, they don’t mean certain things….if I have a strong response to a comment someone makes, I first deal with the hurt around it. I have no doubt, his comments hurt your heart like crazy! Recognize that your feelings of hurt, are now causing a chain reaction of your pulling away and wanting to put yourself out there. Deal with your hurt before making any decisions. I personally would want to talk to him more about it.
It’s okay that you are in the screened porch and not inside the door yet. It takes time. It takes persistence, it takes solidarity, it takes trust to let someone in your door. That particular comment is not what bothered me. I think where he is at, can be a normal thing and that as things progress over time, you will get in the door. My concern is his comment that “he doesn’t feel anything.”
So let me know what he meant by that!
Heidi
Hi Bhagyashree!
Thank you for writing in! I can see why you are absolutely confused!
He is obviously terrified. I bet though, that it’s more about him than an actual relationship. He probably feels the best about you and being with you more than he has ever felt in his life. He is scared to ruin it. He is afraid that moving forward with you, it will change things. He is scared of losing you, so keeping you as a “friend” is the safest bet. He believes that friends can last a loooong time, but relationships do not. It doesn’t sound like he really believes in love being sustainable. It sounds like he identifies relationships as being messy and very difficult. So in his mind, he is probably believing he is “protecting” your relationship by remaining just friends. However, it goes against his heart. I imagine he is really struggling inside with his love for you as it goes against his efforts to protect the friendship.
This isn’t about you doing or saying anything. This is about him deciding to face his fear. It is something HE needs to do in order for him to shift. If you are the source of “coaxing” him or convincing him that it’s okay to step forward, the change won’t happen in his spirit. HE needs to make that choice all on his own.
However, it doesn’t mean that you can’t inspire him in an indirect way.
Here is the thing. It is so important for you to accept him and what he is saying. That means it might be time for you to move on with your life. You are holding strong feelings for him, yet he has said many times, he cannot offer you more than friendship. You aren’t listening to him. You are holding onto the possibility that he might change his mind. He might AND he might not. What you have to do is get yourself very present and deal with NOW. Right now, you are investing your heart in a man who is very conflicted about you and not available for you. So how long are you going to keep waiting?
My suggestion is, start going out on dates. Start to pull back. It will not only be good for you, it will be good for him. He can get jealous all he wants, he doesn’t get to have you and your love and your connection until he is willing to step forward for you. If he isn’t willing, then he doesn’t get to have you. His jealousy and him seeing you take your energy elsewhere, may just be the trick to make him fight for you.
The thing is, he doesn’t have to fight for you, because he already has you. He gets to feel that wonderful connection, he gets to feel your love and adoration, he gets to feel all the romance AND stay in the “safe zone.” As long as you keep responding and fueling your feelings for him and connecting with him in that way….he knows he has you, so there is no pressure. He gets to “have” you but still stay unavailable to you…..and you let him.
I understand though. You have strong feelings and it sounds like you both have an incredible connection. It’s becoming damaging though. He is living in the “gray” area where he is neither committing to you and opening the flood gates nor is he willing to let you go and have another experience. You are allowing yourself to be there in hopes that one day he will step forward. His fear is HUGE though. That fear is keeping him paralyzed. So…that’s why I’m saying, let him feel the fear of losing you. I’m guessing that fear will be much bigger than the fear of stepping forward for you. It might just be the trick to cause him to take action. You have to be strong though.
If he gets jealous, just let him be jealous and don’t try to fix it! He NEEDS to feel that. If he gets scared because he is feeling you have lost interest, LET HIM FEEL THAT!!! He should be scared!!! Don’t rescue him anymore. Let him feel the full force of emotions of what his life will be like, without you. You cannot wait for him any longer. It’s time for him to either step up, or lose you. It’s good for your heart. Your poor heart can’t keep going through this. It needs to either be loved, fought for and cared about FULLY and completely, so it is allowed to open and grow with him, or it’s time to move on and find a guy who can offer that you.
What do you think about this plan?
Heidi
Hi Trine,
I get it. He was a part of you…daily. It is going to be terribly difficult to not contact him. Use your friends for help. Every time you go to text or call, text them first and have a code word like, “elephant” and they will know you are struggling and can call or text you for support. Get busy. Find projects to complete, a closet to organize or learn a new skill. Go to the gym more, go volunteer somewhere, go have some fun as well! I know it won’t take up every second, but it can help to REALLY fill your heart up with things that make you laugh, things that make you feel successful (like cleaning out a closet), things that make you feel purposeful. It helps fill the hole that you will feel without him.
All in all, keep reminding yourself why this is important. You want to let him feel his life without you in it. He NEEDS to feel that so he knows what he wants to do. He will either feel relief or he will feel the need to connect. You BOTH need to know.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. It’s hard. He is so lucky to have you. You are here, learning how to be a better partner for him and you are doing what is difficult and painful to do. Well done!
Heidi
Hi Lola,
Thank you for more details! This is helpful!
It sounds like he might be tired and he wants to just go live HIS life the way she wants and not have to face anything. He doesn’t want to work so hard as a father. He doesn’t want to have to deal with attitudes and rejections of his kids. I’m not sure what was going on between the 2 of you specifically, but when he says something like “it never ends” he is basically saying that how life was in that moment, he can’t take it as there is no end to the challenge, the drama, the rejection and hurt. To put all of those words and actions into one word, I would say that he is feeling POWERLESS.
Powerlessness is one of the most difficult feelings to deal with. It’s intense and many, many other emotions accompany it. Hopelessness, depression, a feeling like you are not enough. So basically, he feels powerless at home and with his kids (maybe you as well, I don’t know) and here comes along a woman who has been abused and he gets to feel his power again by rescuing her. He sees and feels that she is really responsive to him and he gets to see how he can affect change with her. It’s like a drug for him.
The thing is, it is a completely false sense that he is grabbing onto. For now, it feels wonderful and amazing. The reality of who she is and their “relationship” hasn’t shown up yet. The reality of all the wounds that she carries and what he carries as well, hasn’t shown itself. Stuff like that takes time.
It’s really sad that he is choosing to run away instead of put his foot down and fight to be the best father and husband he can be, regardless of how his children treat him. He is running instead of fighting for them. I understand it’s so intense for him that him choosing this other woman is bringing life back in him. I completely get why he is doing it even though he doesn’t fully understand. It’s still sad as this choice he is making, has some HUGE consequences to it. He is leaving you to deal with the mess.
I’m at a loss to tell you how to “fix” this, as what you are dealing with is very layered and far beyond you just using certain words or techniques to bring him back. His true character is showing you that when it gets hard enough, he will leave. So again, the fundamental problem is not your marriage, not your children….it lives within him. He doesn’t have tolerance, endurance or enough “fight” in him to figure out how to deal with his hopelessness, so that he can be a good role model, so he can still love his children and work through the challenges, so he can deal with his failures. This is about HIS spirit, so if anything is going to change, it will have to come from something inside of him. If it comes from you motivating him somehow, it won’t last. The changes he needs to make needs to come from deep inside his heart. He needs help as well. Even for someone like me, who knows a heck of a lot about intense emotions and has a HUGE skillset and awareness to deal with the challenges in my life….when powerlessness shows up, I ask for help. I believe there are certain emotions that can just knock you off your feet in an instant and cause you to lose ground and it’s times like that, you are not meant to deal with it alone.
So, he left his family and marriage because he felt powerless and has become hopeless about ever seeing any change. He runs to another woman who needs saving, no kids he has to deal with and I’m sure, for right now, she feels like a breath of fresh air.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Ashley,
I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Do you feel ready to create closure? I am wondering if maybe you are having 2nd thoughts about it. Maybe you are still hoping something will change. Just curious!
Heidi
Hi Gaoia,
I wanted to check in and see how you were doing. We would love to hear back from you about any thoughts, more questions, more details….
Heidi
Hi Trine,
Why not try giving him space for a few weeks. Let him initiate, let him ask you questions and share what you feel comfortable sharing. Don’t ask him for anything other than what he has to offer. Be supportive and light and appreciative of him and just leave it at that. You have stated what you need and you feel clear that he understands, so now he needs to take “action” in order to support his words. Right now, his words don’t mean anything. Words are only meaningful when action supports them. So sit back and watch.
He might just need to get through this rough patch. Once he is on the other side, he may connect much stronger again. Give it some time and see what happens. Be supportive and help him through this to the level you feel comfortable and just see what happens at the end of 2 weeks. But….let him initiate. It’s kind of like you are taking the position of sitting back and watching and waiting and observing what REALLY happens when you don’t “fuel” the relationship. It gives him space to miss you and it gives him space to show how much effort he is actually willing to put into this.
Does that feel like a good plan for the next few weeks?
heidi
Hi Lola,
My heart goes out to you! This is so terribly difficult for you. It’s quite a powerless feeling. No matter what you do, he is going to choose her for right now.
I’m curious….how long have you been married? So this other woman is married as well? Are they finding hotels or something to stay at over the weekends?
Do you have any clue as to why he might be drawn to her? I understand she is an old flame, but did he ever complain about your relationship? Anything specific he was struggling with?
You say you have both have a strong love and that it’s worth fighting for. I understand you have strong love for him and want him back. There is an element at play here where he is not showing you that he respects you. He is showing you that he knows he can do whatever he wants, regardless of the damage it causes and he knows you will take him back, no matter what. A man that doesn’t respect his woman, is a man that will do as he pleases. If he can do this now, even if you got him back, who is to say he won’t do it again? There is a fundamental problem here that needs to be addressed, so this doesn’t happen again.
The place I want to start you with is respecting yourself. All you care about and are focused on, is getting him back and getting him to choose you again. What about you? Where is your hurt and anger that he would betray you? Where are your boundaries? Those kinds of emotions are what a man respects. It helps him know and feel the inner strength of his woman. How can he respect and care for you when you won’t don’t that for yourself? How long do you plan on waiting for him? A year? 5 years? 10 years?
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t wait for him. That is your choice and your journey. What I am wanting to do is connect you to some of the truth about what is happening here. The relationship is not just about him, it’s about BOTH of you. So let’s just start with this. Share with us about how you are feeling about his choice. Tell us about any thoughts or feelings you have about it.
And then share with us about any ideas as to why you think he may have left. Whatever “strong” love you believe you both had for each other, it’s not supporting your relationship. His “love” is going somewhere else now, so let’s talk about how you both interacted with each other. Did you argue a lot? How do you know he had a strong love for you? What kinds of things did he say or do to make you feel that from him? Did you recently start to have more troubles? How old is he?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer!!
Thank you for all of the detail. This all makes a lot of sense!
I’m going to just be very blunt with you, as you seem to be the type to just appreciate the truth straight up. So here it goes:
He is from Mexico with a very poor, abusive and uneducated background. You are educated, have money and are successful running a business. You have your birth family who wants you and loves you….and you are white. To Mexicans, a white a girl is a prize in and of itself, but to have a white girl who has money and runs a business and is way more educated…that is just too much. I have no doubt you know this, so I am saying this to remind you. Mexican men are an EXTREMELY prideful culture. They are the man of the household and what they say goes (generally speaking of course). He just has so much low self esteem that when he is around you, that’s all you activate in him. You represent everything he is not. You can say “You are worth loving, I don’t care you aren’t educated, I just need you to communicate and it’s all good” until you are blue in the face, but it won’t matter. He believes what he believes regardless of what you say. This is NOT a matter of convincing him. This is a matter of a solid, core belief he has about himself and it’s not going to change. He needs to be with someone where he feels more like an equal. He needs to be with someone who is more on his level of functioning.
Of course he would not go to meet your family!!! He is way too embarrassed! Again…he doesn’t feel good enough for you. Imagine a kid that grew up poor and abused, walking into a beautiful house with a white family. It’s a completely different world for him and one that is not comfortable. He grew up in the trenches. I know I may exaggerating the details a bit, but it’s probably the truth about how he feels, whether it’s actually true or not. It is HIS truth. So again…it’s not about you saying anything specific to get him to realize YOUR truth. It’s about honoring what is real for him. You are not listening to him and how he feels. All you want to do is tell him how he is wrong in how he feels and convince him otherwise.
Truth be told, he is right. He is not good enough for you. You need someone with confidence. You need someone who faces his fears. You need someone who doesn’t run away at the slightest bit of discomfort. You need someone who is able to be honest and authentic about how he feels. This guy is none of those. These are qualities that are ESSENTIAL for a relationship to work. Without these qualities, it’s a rollercoaster ride that never ends. So again, it doesn’t matter that how he feels about himself and feeling “less than” is actually true or not. It’s HIS reality and the belief that he chooses to invest in. It’s not your job to change that. It’s your job to accept that about him. So in accepting him, it means you also accept how he feels about himself….which is not enough for you. You need something different than what he has to offer you.
So now, my question to you is…what is keeping you connected to a man who is not available for you? He has ghosted you many times, he tells you he isn’t good enough for you, he is not a good communicator….you have enough information now, to know that he is not good at being in relationship with you. He is too fragile to handle any kind of disappointment you might have because of him. So what makes you keep fighting for him? He isn’t going to change. What needs to be changed inside of him, takes YEARS. It’s not something simply fixed by you saying certain things. He has some HUGE wounds!! So even if you did get back together and you managed to convince him to try again…you would end up right back where you are right now. These are patterns that are sourced by fear, low self esteem and a lack of support in his life…these are patterns sourced by LIFELONG thoughts about himself. You cannot fix that. So what are YOU doing trying to fight for a guy that won’t fight for himself?
Hopefully this was okay for you. I look forward to hearing back from you!
Heidi
Awwwwww Peggy!
Thank you so much for sharing your final update! This was wonderful to read and it just warms my heart! You sound peaceful, you sound happy, you sound like you are falling in love and it’s all so wonderful! You deserve to feel all of those things and you fought for them. Relationships are so wonderful and messy all at the same time and it sounds like you guys are working through all of that just wonderfully!
It was a pleasure to cross paths with you and get to be a part of your journey! We wish you well!
Heidi
Hi Lorelle!
Oh wow! This is wonderful!!! You get to spend the entire weekend with him, see how he behaves and responds to many different people and he will get to see the same about you! AND, it’s obvious he moving exactly in the direction you were hoping! You guys are on the same page right now! I’m super excited to hear how everything goes! I wonder if he has even thought about how he will introduce you. Maybe, maybe not, but yes, it will be interesting to see what he says. Either way, you just being there is making quite a statement. He feels safe to bring you into a very important part of his world and introduce you to people he sees all of the time. That is a good sign!! I bet you were just beaming inside as he was explaining all of this!!! hahaha! This is just so exciting!!!!
Thank you for sharing! We LOVE getting the good stories, as they are more rare on this forum!
Heidi
