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Hi Wen,
It sounds like he is being really honest with you about where he is at. If you want to continue this, it’s crucial that you have a lot of patience and that you find ways to support him for this phase he is in. If you find that as you go along, your needs are not being met enough, then it might be time to re-think what you would like to do.
But for now, it sounds like you still want to give it shot. I think whether you bail now or later, it will hurt regardless. Maybe give it another month and re-asses? It’s important for him to take the lead. It’s important for him to KNOW that if he wants you in his life, he needs to make the effort.
Does he ever work from home? Maybe you can make him dinner one night while he is working. Sometimes it’s nice to just be in the same space. He can work and you can do your own thing.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Luna,
How long are you apart? I’m not sure I understand the living situation. He lives in his town and your job is overseas? Is this a permanent kind of thing or do you live near him normally and sometimes travel overseas for work?
For now, the distance is a HUGE barrier. It really gives him the freedom and mindset to not take you very seriously. Does this other girl live in his town?
At this point, it sounds like his attentions are elsewhere. And that could be a good thing, because if he really is a player, you don’t want to put yourself through that. He is a player for a reason and the only thing that can change that about him, is himself.
What is his age and what is your age?
Heidi
Hi Mary,
I know. It makes letting go sooooo much more difficult when you don’t know the “why” behind why someone has gone radio silent. Be kind to yourself. Whatever has happened, it’s not about you. This is about his inability to get his needs met and communicate with you. I know how rejecting it feels though. It’s only been a week, although I know if feels like a lifetime. If he doesn’t contact you for another week, let’s create a plan to officially create closure for you. For right now, you are still kind of in limbo. I know it’s uncomfortable, but it’s a good time to really care for yourself. Take baths, eat delicious food, make sure you laugh and go have some fun. It helps a heart that is hurting. What kinds of things can you do over the next week that will nourish you??
Heidi
Hi Lola,
Wow, you are doing something very difficult.
Of course he still has feelings for you. He is sure has created a mess for himself. He knows if he leaves, he most likely won’t be able to come back…and I have a feeling he probably will want his life back with you. If he stays with you, he will have to face the design of his life and work on it more. She represents “fun” and no baggage so to speak….but he is in for a rude awakening when the baggage does show up, because it will.
Maybe over lunch conversations, you can ask him things like, if you could change our situation to where you felt happy, what would it look like? How would you change the design of your day? Not having to take care of kids? Not having to help me around the house? What if just you and I went away for a weekend every few months and we just started exploring and having adventures?
It sounds like he just needs to start having some fun and feeling his power again. So maybe if you can get more details, you can help him figure out how to create a life where he feels more powerful WITH his family.
Heidi
Oh good! I’m glad you are willing to wait and see what happens. Of course it is hard on the heart. You care deeply for him and he sure is lucky for that!
Remember, this is just for a few weeks to see what happens. We will deal with the next steps soon. So for now, whenever you get anxious and want to text him and connect, remember that you are breaking a pattern of always initiating and leading the relationship. Remember that he needs to FEEL like he misses you and the only way for that to happen is if you give him space. And when he does connect, you reward him for it. And if he asks where you have been, you re-iterate that you are “supporting” him with his work and honoring his request.
You can do this! Feel free to message us here anytime you are having some trouble. We can help you through it!
Heidi
Hi Alebana,
I understand. It is going to be difficult. It helps to keep yourself busy. Find other things to do and make sure you do what you can to have some fun. Call on all friends and let them know you are going through a breakup and whenever you feel the urge to text him, you text them or call them FIRST and they can help distract you or keep you strong. It is ALWAYS a good idea to enlist your friends and family to help you through a tough thing like this.
I don’t know if I would go as far as saying it’s “forever.” Anything is possible and that can feel overwhelming for the psyche. It might be more comfortable for you to just focus on the present moment and say to yourself, “It’s over for right now. I will heal and create my life separate than him and I will be okay and then we can maybe be friends. But for right now, I need to heal my heart.” Keep your focus on the smaller picture right now instead of the big picture of “forever.”
Truth is, you are going to have to deal with resisting him. There is no way around it. It’s about loving yourself more than him. It’s reminding yourself that every time you go to reach out, he has said to you, “I don’t want a relationship.” It’s about constantly reminding yourself that he cannot offer what you want. It also helps to create a new vision. You can have that kind of connection with another man at some point AND you both will be available for each other.
Do you exercise? Maybe increase that during this time. Do you have hobbies or have a creative outlet? Increase that during this time. Go to movies, maybe join a group on http://www.meetup.com.
It’s time for you to be alone again and find out who you are separate than a man. There are many lessons to be learned in that kind of space. It’s terribly difficult at first, but you will be doing yourself a GREAT service by choosing to take care of your heart the way it deserves.
And lastly, when you say it in person, you can just keep it short and sweet. “Listen…it’s time for me to take some space from you. I am finally ready to admit to myself, and you, that I am slowly creeping towards wanting more than what we have and feelings are developing. So…I’m gonna disappear for a bit and get myself back in order.” It is better to do this face to face, however, I do coach people that sometimes an email or text is better if there is possible danger OR if there is strong temptation you don’t feel you will be able to resist. And you can always clarify that in the message in case that is the route you choose. You can just say, “I really wanted to do this in person, but I know myself. I won’t be able to resist you. If I see you again, I might just want to rip your clothes off and have my way with you…and that’s not good for me anymore. I really want to respect your boundary.” You get the gist of it.
And then just see what happens….if you end up doing it in person, you may have sex again, you may cry as you say goodbye, who knows! Either way, no matter what happens, you will be okay. What is important is that you just say it. You have such a good friendship that I have no doubt you guys will work through that moment.
Is this helpful?
Heidi
Hi Peggy,
It’s quite the uncomfortable place isn’t it? It’s such a horrible feeling “not knowing.” The best thing you can do is to take a breath.
What is important here is for you to figure out what YOU want. He is clear that he is afraid, going slow and taking one day at a time. I’m wondering how you asked him if you guys were exclusive. Over text? over the phone? in person? I’m wondering if that put him off a bit.
First, it’s important to understand that his “black” heart is still there. What he shows you is great. It’s good for him to know that he can still have feelings for someone. However, there usually is a point that people reach where there is a crossroads. He will reach a point of some pretty big fear. Either he needs to step fully and completely into the relationship, or he needs to leave. It’s not that point yet, but I would not be surprised if he ends up being the kind of guy that dates you for 10 years and never fully commits. His “black” heart means that he hasn’t let go of the hurt. It means he hasn’t forgiven himself or the other people. It means he doesn’t trust love. You can give him all the new experiences and information you want, but it doesn’t change that he still carries hurt around with him, which acts as a HUGE wall. This is important for you to know. Because there will be moments where you get into an argument and it might be something deeply hurtful for him, and he probably will shut down and shut you out. With his inability to forgive, you will end up being the target of ALL his hurt. It’s not fair, but it’s what happens with people who hold onto their pain. The current people in their lives pay a HUGE price anytime they do or say something that triggers their pain body. Does this make sense?
As far as what to do right now, if you want to keep him, I suggest you let go of your need to be exclusive. I imagine he is naturally is that way with you already, but he may just not want to “define” it at this point, as it may make him feel trapped. So let it go and just enjoy what he IS offering you. Give it more time. He definitely is a slow starter, so let him create the pace. There may be a point that you just need something more and your pace runs against his pace and you will have a decision to make at that point. But for right now, not defining the relationship can be okay. Let go of your need to be exclusive and have fun with him.
If you feel this is something you can’t do, that’s okay too. You just might lose him. It happens quite a bit as 2 people run up against each other’s limitations. I know what I did with one guy is I said, “I don’t need to be exclusive, but I do need to be exclusive sexually. That’s too personal for me to share with another woman. If you want to date, go dancing with other women, go kiss other women….I can do that. If you can agree to this with me, sex only with me, then I am okay to move forward.” He agreed and it worked out wonderfully! So this is about you getting clear what you really need and communicating that and getting on the same page.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Dominique,
I think he means exactly what he is saying. He comes across as if he felt bad for the intensity of how he showed his anger towards you, but still feels justified for how he felt. It sounds like he is wanting to re-connect.
What happened? you said he was your ex…was this an argument that caused the break-up? How long were you guys together? Is this a normal pattern or something that has happened before?
More details are helpful so we can better guide you…
Heidi
Hi Alebana,
Wow…you are in quite a tough situation here. Thank you for writing in.
First, it’s important to realize that love is different with each person. It sounds like he had a very intense love for his ex, so to want him to “forget” about her, realize his love with his ex is nothing compared to you and commit to you….is just not realistic. It’s okay that he had a love like no other with her. It does mean that he can have a love like no other with another woman as well. It’s very important that you don’t start to head into a competition (in your mind) with his ex. What is important however, is to accept and honor that his heart belonged strongly to someone else for a very long time. He is still not over it. You are still going through a divorce. You BOTH have loose ends that still need to be resolved, so your desires with this guy are just not realistic in this very moment. However, it doesn’t mean that down the road, something more can happen.
You need to honor your heart. The more you “pretend” you don’t have feelings, the more you are going to hurt. It’s time to be honest and get out of this situation. You can simply say “Okay…it’s time for me to be honest. I am finding myself wanting more with you. I am finding myself developing feelings beyond our agreement, so that means I need to take a step back and get my bearings again. I really want to respect your desires to keep this simple between you and I. I understand that you still are not over your ex and it’s important for you to really create closure in your heart for that. So I am going to just distance myself for a bit until I get ahold of my thoughts and feelings again, and then I would love to continue being friends! I’ll treat you to lunch and we can just go back to where we started and see how that goes. Does that feel okay for you?”
I understand he is a magnet. Your connection with him sounds absolutely amazing!!! What you want however, is something he is not willing to offer, at least in this very moment and it’s just going to continue to hurt you. So you need to love yourself more than you love him. You do that by taking out the sex, reminding yourself he is not available and re-design a friendship with him that is appropriate.
You need to listen to him. I can’t tell you how many times women have held onto a guy they had a super strong connection with, all the while the guy is saying “I don’t want a relationship” but she kept holding on, fantasizing that eventually he will give into the amazing connection they have. It’s a very dangerous path to go down as it’s not based in full acceptance of the situation and a fantasy is what drives the woman to keep connecting. LISTEN TO HIS WORDS. He is not available for you. I know his actions show you otherwise, but his words are what are going to win out. Maybe at some point, his words will change, but just for right now, it’s important you really respect his boundaries and be honest about your feelings.
I’m so sorry! This is a very difficult situation. I know you want to change his mind, but if you guys are ever going to get together…HE needs to change his own mind for it to be meaningful and powerful. HE needs to initiate it. HE needs to fight for the connection you both have, all on his own. He may even realize that as you pull back, it’s not really what he wants. Who knows!
Does this make sense??
Heidi
Great questions!
If you want to shift the pattern and have him initiate, then it’s important for YOU to shift that pattern. The way you shift it, is to no longer take the lead in the relationship. He can wait and wait and wait for you to initiate, but at some point, if he doesn’t become active in connecting with you, then that is IMPORTANT information for you to know about him, right? You WANT to know that he is willing to take some steps towards connecting with you. It’s important for you to know and it’s important for him to do….so keep your distance!!!
You are right, that reply I posted does sound a bit curt. You definitely don’t want to come across that way. How about something like this, “Well, I really listened to you when you said that you wanted to focus on work. I feel it’s important for me to respect that for you. So for now, I’ve just taken a step back and trust that you will connect with me when you are available. That’s all.”
Of course, use your own words, but you want to send the message that you listened to him and are respecting his need to focus. That way, it puts it on him.
Even if he did reach out because he felt bad and is now waiting for you to reach out again, it doesn’t matter. He has got to put some effort into this and you need to let him. Give it a few weeks and see what happens. It’s just a temporary experiment we are doing here, not a forever kind of solution. By doing this, you are going to gather more information about him. Does that make sense?
Heidi
Hi Glory,
I am so sorry! It sounds like you really connected with this guy, despite him cheating. It was a really wonderful thing you did to forgive him.
You ask if you should close the door?
I ask you this….if you kept the door open, do you feel he could offer you the kind of relationship you really want? Do you feel he could stay loyal and not cheat? Do you feel you could get all of your needs met with him?
Heidi
Hi Gaoia!
So weird right??? My guess is, you are spot on in that you “ignoring” him is what is pulling him back to you. Keep doing it! Men need to feel like they have to work for their woman’s attentions. So make him work for it! And when he makes the efforts, you reward him. It sounds like you are doing just that! It’s so great! Keep this momentum going for a bit longer.
In regards to you being a Shaman, I am very familiar with that practice. It’s beautiful! I understand you don’t want to give up. I completely hear you that “it’s just not you.” I do want to invite you to think about something though. If a love is going to be healthy and vibrant and growing…it needs to include love for both self and the other. So when you say you don’t want to give up on him, remember that you are part of the equation. When a relationship becomes abusive and harmful spiritually and emotionally, you ARE giving up on yourself, when you choose to stay. You are choosing him at the expense of yourself. I still am wondering where YOU fit into all of this.
I’m sure you have heard this before….our greatest strengths are also our greatest weaknesses. You have an incredible strength for loyalty and endurance and fight. AND…there is a point where those very same qualities will harm you. That point is when you allow yourself to be mistreated all because “you don’t give up.” That point is when you choose to “love” someone else and not love yourself.
Just something to think about. I’d love to hear your perspective on that!
Heidi
Hi!
So interesting! I’m wondering if the fear about the fires is inspiring him to connect with you again. It’s a pretty traumatic thing they are all going through, so reaching out to someone you know cares about you and comforts you….is helpful. This is great! For now, just enjoy it and keep letting him initiate. You want to see if it turns into a strong pattern or if it’s just a momentary thing. It’s hard to determine what it means until more times passes to see how real it is or not.
So just keep supporting him and being responsive when he reaches out…but still leaving it to him to reach out.
You are doing great!!!!
Heidi
Hi!
You are doing a good thing by staying silent. You said your peace and now it’s up to him to initiate. It sounds like he really wants some space, according to his text. So give it to him. If he questions you, you just say, “I am honoring your need to focus on work, as that was your statement. So if you want to connect, then it’s up to you whenever you feel you have the time and energy to do so. No problem at all!”
This is the beginning of the plan. You are still bothered by it, so it’s important you work through the issue on your own and not involve him any longer. Your reaction is for you to take care of, not him.
So tell me…what about the situation is bothering you most? What about the situation is sticking and not releasing?
Heidi
Man Lola,
it’s a tough situation. Someone who is irritated by his life that involves just the daily activities of taking care of his kids and house…he is definitely depleted. I understand his need to run away. I don’t respect it, but I understand it.
Is he still involved on any level? What is the living situation? I’m wanting to guide you towards certain techniques, but it would depend on how much you guys interact and how and what the living situation is. Has he completely disappeared? Does he still connect with your children?
Give me more a current, general picture of how you guys interact and what your relationship is like.
My heart goes out to you. Out of curiosity, how long are you willing to wait?
Heidi
