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Hi Tee!
Yes, you are overanalyzing, but that’s okay! Better to over analyze than to under analyze. It’s just your need to understand what is happening and that is pretty normal, especially when you are on a rollercoaster with someone.
So here are the basics. Everything you just wrote just verifies even more what he is doing. First, understand that the part of him that is TERRIFIED of relationship and doesn’t believe in them….will test you. Him saying to you, “I’m not the guy for you” was his way of sabotaging and proving to that part of himself that he is right. AND…the other part of him that DOES want a deep and amazing relationship with you, would want you to fight for him like crazy and prove him wrong. Truth be told, it’s not your job to make him feel better about his fears. He needs to face these fears head on and deal with them, otherwise he will just keep testing you and riding the rollercoaster.
Again, this has nothing to do with you. He doesn’t really believe he isn’t the guy for you. It’s just his low self esteem / fear talking. The best thing you can do is when he does say something like that, FIRST….recognize it’s just fear talking and has NOTHING to do with you. SECOND, you can say something like, “It’s okay that you don’t believe in relationships. They are a very risky thing and there is always a chance something won’t work out. AND there is a chance they will. I would rather choose to invest my thoughts in the chance they will work out, just because that feels better for me. You may not think you are the guy for me and that’s okay too. I know you are the guy for me and that’s why I am here with you today. For today, my hope is, for many, many more days and years, I get to feel as satisfied and wonderful and fulfilled as I feel with you today…and reality is, today is all we really have anyways….so TODAY, you are my guy and I wouldn’t have it any other way!”
Essentially, when he heads into that low self – esteem that is so fearful about the FUTURE, you want to bring him to the present moment and what is true RIGHT NOW. Don’t get wrapped up into his low self esteem games. See it for what it really is and work on understanding that isn’t not about you. This is VERY hard to do, but it’s also the truth. You reacting the way you did by saying you aren’t going to visit anymore…your low self esteem got triggered, so now you have 2 people in low self esteem, getting nowhere! So if you stay grounded in the truth, you can pretty easily find different ways to help him join you in that mindset vs. you joining him in his mindset.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Laniece,
I can see why you might be confused. It sounds like he is connecting and then disconnecting off and on. Do you have any idea why things are working out for you guys? Has he said to you why he is pulling away and becoming distant?
In regards to the 12 word text, did you send it exactly as it was written in this material, or did you make up a version of your own? Now, you need to find something he can help you with. Is there anything he is really good at? Fixing things, or helping you move some furniture or something? Is there any advice you can ask him about?
What is the current status? You said that you haven’t had sex and that isn’t like you guys? That confuses me because you are not together. So help me understand how you guys interact with each other.
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
This sounds like a bit of a confusing situation. In the beginning, was he very open about his feelings for you? Did he tell you how much he liked you and had feelings for you? Was he good at communicating his feelings about you?
Tell me a little more about his last relationship. You said he is still smitten with his ex? How do you know? In what way? What is their relationship like?
Do you have any clue at all, what happened on that camping trip that could have caused him to tip the scales towards being just friends?
Heidi
HI Tee!
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story! Of course you are confused. Any emotional roller coaster is confusing for the person on the receiving end and also can be confusing for the person feeling it!
He is just scared. That’s all! It has nothing to do with you. He is feeling himself get closer and closer to you and that TERRIFIES him! That bond and connection is going against a belief he has that love / women are not safe. You cannot trust them. You are going to leave at some point. You are going to hurt him at some point. It sounds like it’s a pretty big fear. Again…it has nothing to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with his past experiences that he hasn’t let go of. It’s gonna take some time. You are going to need some patience. Hopefully he will face his fear about falling in love. Some people just aren’t willing to do that. Some people are.
The best thing you can do right now is to support him and just be light and easy as much as possible.
Maybe what you can do is suggest a plan. Maybe you can just say something like, “I understand you are scared. I understand the long distance thing is a challenge. I understand you have a part of you that fully and completely loves me and wants to be with me and then you have another part that has resistance to that. It’s okay. I accept you for all that you are. We don’t have to make any decisions about anything right now. How about for 3 months, we just hang out and NOT decide anything. We just keep being best friends and let “us” be “us” without overthinking anything. In 3 months, let’s have a romantic dinner and we can talk honestly about our thoughts and feelings about things and decide where to go from there. But for the 3 months, let’s just be ALL of whatever we want to be without any thought.”
I’m wondering if something like that will help him relax into his experiences with you, help him stay present and then set a time where you guys can talk about everything.
If this doesn’t feel comfortable for you, just simply letting him be on that rollercoaster ride and you stay grounded and solid. He is just scared, so the more you let him just be scared, not take it personally and just love him through his fear, without getting angry, without questioning him to death about it…but instead….just being that SOLID ground he can stand on while his emotions are having a battle right now. Imagine he is the tornado, you are the ground that keeps him grounded. He needs to go through his tornado storm…eventually it will calm down and you can be there, just letting him process however he needs to process. As long as he doesn’t feels safe to be himself and doesn’t feel any pressure from you, he might pass through this a little faster.
Does this make sense? What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Gina,
Wow! That is really, really confusing! I am so sorry! It’s heartbreaking AND frustrating because you have no answers as to what happened.
I had that happen to me once. It was with a male friend of mine. We were best friends for about 5 years….we lived in different states though, so our relationship was mostly over the phone with occasional visits. One day, he just disappeared. I called, left messages and never heard a word. Then I found his girlfriend on facebook and asked her is he was okay or in the hospital or something. She said he was great! So I texted him and said, “I understand now that you are okay and not dead somewhere. Therefore, you have until Sunday to contact me or the door on our friendship is closed and I will move on and no longer contact you. He contacted me Sunday morning. It was a 5 minute conversation of him accusing me of something I had no clue what he was talking about and he had no room in his mind to actually have a conversation.
I’m telling you this because in my experience, whenever people disappear out of the blue like that (I’ve coached a lot people through similar situations), there always is a reason. Something happened for him. Maybe he ran off with another woman, maybe he is physically hurt (although I imagine you would have heard by now), maybe he went to another country for a secret reason. I have no idea. It’s not you though. Whatever it is, it has to do with him. And truth be told, if it were something about you, then I would imagine, especially after knowing each other for so long, that he would feel comfortable talking to you about it.
I’m just so sorry. The disappearing act hurts quite a bit. It breaks deep trust in yourself (you feel fooled) and deep trust to allow someone else in.
Tell me more detail about what’s happened? Is there anything you can think of that would cause him to disappear like this? What was the condition of your relationship at the time? What kinds of messages have you sent him so far? Do you know for sure he is okay? Is he home and still functioning in his life like normal? Is there any information you can gather about how or what he is currently doing?
This will help us know how to better guide you. Hang in there!
Heidi
Hi Chantal!
Of course you are nervous! Everything is kind of up in the air right now. You are just getting to know each other, so there is so much unfamiliar territory here.
I think the approach of what Kanya said is a good idea. You can even use this time to really reflect for yourself if he is the kind of guy you want to be with. The chemistry part is the easiest part. I wish that were enough. Unfortunately, a healthy relationship requires much more than just chemistry. Take these few weeks and really ask yourself “Is this the kind of person you want to go through life with? Can I hand my heart over to him and feel safe? Will he care for my heart in the way it deserves?” You have to IGNORE the chemistry. You need to look at him as a person you are wanting to be intimate with and let into your life. I don’t know what you learned about him while you were away, but that should be considered as well.
Then after a few weeks of not contacting him, you might have more clarity as far as the direction you would like to go.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Zoi,
I understand you are still wanting him to choose you and fight for you. Let me ask you this….do you really want to be a with a guy who feels okay not talking to you for 30 days?? That’s a long time to not talk to someone you are interested in. At the very least, there would be frequent contact throughout the week, efforts to meet up and memories to create. You want to fight for a guy who is showing no interest in you? You want to try to “convince” a guy that you are worth knowing and having in his life??? There is a guy out there for you that wouldn’t need convincing on any level. There is a guy out there that wouldn’t be able to stand to go an entire day without connecting in with you. There is a guy out there that has NOTHING standing in his way of moving forward with you. He won’t need to be convince, he will KNOW he wants you to be a part of his life. Wouldn’t you rather have that kind of experience?
At the end of 30 days, if you decide to create “closure” then it would send a mixed message if you also tried to convince him that he is making the “wrong” decision. So you need to decide which direction you would like to take. And you may not even know until that time comes. A lot of things can change in 30 days. You never know how YOU will feel then. So we can talk about what to say to him when that time comes. Until then, your job is to heal your heart, nurture yourself and start having some fun in your life…as much as possible. I know how hard having fun is when you are heartbroken! You need to fight for your happiness though. Do not let him steal your joy!!!
Heidi
Hi Mridusmita!
I’m a bit confused. You guys lived together, then he broke up, then he started seeing someone in February, but you still married him in March? and now he has moved in with her and won’t even talk to you?
You say that you are trying to be his “ideal partner” and change yourself. I am wondering what that looks like for you? What kind of person do you think he wants? How is that different than who you are?
I am also wondering what it is about him that makes you want to change yourself?
First and foremost, one of the most important aspects for a relationship to work successfully is for both people to respect themselves and each other. It doesn’t sound like you really respect yourself. If you are wanting to change who you are for someone else, that leads me to believe you don’t really like yourself in the first place.
Let’s talk about this. It’s an important piece of the puzzle and it will help us guide you through this more effectively.
Is he your first love?
How old are you? How old is he?
How did you guys meet?
What is his history with women? Has he been married before? I’m wondering if this is a pattern of his to hop from woman to woman. Do you know?
HOw do your parents feel about the situation?
Is there anything specific that happened that caused him to leave? Did you guys argue a lot? I’m wondering what inspired him to marry you, even though he was with another girl and then leave you in the end just to be with her. Why didn’t he just stay with her all along?Any details you offer can really help!!!
Heidi
Hi Holly!
Great question!!!
I want to invite you to slow down a bit. So far, there is not enough evidence to know that this guy has the ability to create an extraordinary relationship with you. You have barely spent any time together, so how do you know that you are “that” girl he can have a special experience with? Yes, there is a connection and yes…I can see that you feel something special for him. But for now…that’s the only evidence you have….a good connection. It takes time and effort and creating memories together (especially while living in the same area) to give substance to those feelings you have. Those feelings need depth, time under pressure and challenge in order to give those feelings some validity.
I’m not saying to give up….I just want to invite you to slow down your thinking. So far, if anything, he has disconnected some and just keeps saying “everything is fine” when you question him. From everything you have told me so far and how he has responded…I’m not so sold on him viewing you as being someone special. He may be a player, he may be that guy that knows how to say and do all the right things but doesn’t REALLY invest. OR….he may be an incredible match. WHO KNOWS! You need more time and evidence to determine either way.
So for now, what I suggest is to give him space. If he initiates contact, absolutely respond and be connective. If he doesn’t initiate, then you may want to consider what that means for you. Are you okay with a guy who isn’t naturally inspired by you? Are you okay being with a guy who doesn’t want to have you part of his day, through text or video or something? Are you okay being with a guy who feels okay NOT to connect after a few weeks? If you still want to keep giving it some space, you can always reach out and activate his hero instinct and ask for help with something. You can send him some funny videos and say “I thought of you when I saw this. Hope it makes you laugh like it did me.” And then see how he responds. I wouldn’t reach out and ask if he is okay, or how is he doing. Just send a light, silly message and then see if he responds and initiates some conversation with you.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Liga!
Thank you for sharing your story with us! You are asking a very good question. I can see why you are completely confused. He is definitely sending mixed messages. How the heck are you supposed to know which message is more true? The thing is, it is not your job to figure that out.
He is split….which means both messages have truth in them for him. The problem is, he is split. Which means whichever message is in the “driver’s seat” is the message that he will give authority.
The danger for you is this. You are agreeing to a “friends with benefits” type of design. You are allowing him to change his mind all the time and you are just going with the flow. There is nothing wrong with that, as long as you are on the same page and don’t really invest in him. The thing is, you are investing in him and wanting more, therefore you are going along for the ride, at the expense of yourself. You are putting your needs on the backburner, in order to keep him connected, in hopes he changes or finally decides to make a decision one way or the other. If you want something more from him, the first step is to RESPECT YOURSELF. When you respect yourself, have standards as to how you are treated, then he either aligns with that or he doesn’t. Either way, he will respect you and honor your standards. A man needs to respect his woman. If he knows that he can pull away when he wants, he can also kiss you when he wants, then he can pull away again….he is receiving the message that he can do whatever he wants with you and he will get whatever he wants from you. Again…not a big deal if you just want to “play” around, but it IS a big deal if you want him to take you seriously.
So first and foremost, before we guide you any further, it’s important for you to get VERY clear about what you want with this guy. What type of relationship do you want? Are you good with just being playful and having fun and not really getting attached? Or are you wanting something with more depth?
Heidi
Hi Holly,
I’m curious. You said he knows how amazing he is and a lot women feel the same way as you do. How do you know this?
I would suggest to no longer initiate contact. If he is really interested in seeing you, he will make plans. He is very non-committal in how he is talking. He is in your home town and if he cannot make something happen while he is there, either he really, truly is having hard time and doesn’t have the emotional capacity to be with a woman right now (which is very likely) or he is just not that interested to make any further advances. Either way, he needs the space and time. If he is still interested in you, he will make it known. I would suggest to give him a set amount of time (maybe 2 weeks). If he doesn’t initiate contact by then, it might be time for you to let the idea go and move on.
What do you think?
Heidi
HI Kerry,
I know everything was great for 4 months. The beginning is usually really easy. It takes time for fears, insecurities and negative beliefs to show up.
You are right in that he most likely DOES desire a deep connection. Most people do, but like I said, the fear gets activated and gets so big, that it becomes stronger than his desire to love and connect. This is my best guess at what’s happening. If something is “missing” inside of him, he knows it. Again, LISTEN to what he is saying.
I think the best way to re-connect is back to a friendship level. If he feels the pressure is off, you guys can build a great friendship and build up some trust with each other. He can learn that he is safe around you and having you in his life is better than not.
Is there anything you need help with? If you ask him for help with something, it could be a good way to re-connect and go from there. When you do see him, stay light, fun, connective and charming.
What do you think?
heidi
Hi Zoi,
Sorry we missed your message! I am glad you are staring to feel ready for closure. It’s so hard and it’s even more difficult when there is confusion involved. He really did send you a lot of mixed messages. I tend to pay more attention to the actions someone shows me vs. the words. Both are important and BOTH need to be in alignment to know what is true for someone, in any given moment. He was telling you one thing and then showing you another. It may have been intentional or he truly may have been confused. Who knows. At this point, it doesn’t really matter as it’s over and it’s time for you to create a different path.
I typically advise people to just keep the closure basic and simple. If you were to have a face to face conversation about what was happening in the relationship, then it would be more appropriate. But being that you guys are no longer in that kind of communication, saying something short and simple is good. Your feelings and experiences and opinions do matter. The thing is, you always want to make sure that whomever you share all of that with, thinks it matters as well! I have a feeling that he may not really be interested in all of your experiences and how he made you feel towards the end. And then that would just expose you to feeling even more rejected.
So you can say something like, “I just wanted to create closure on my end. I know you have already moved on, but now I am going to move on and really let you go. It’s time for me to accept your choice. I just wanted you to know that. I won’t be contacting you anymore. I wish you the best of luck and will walk away appreciating everything we got to share together. Take care!”
How does that make you feel?
Heidi
Hi April!
It sounds like something has happened. Usually, whenever there is a sudden change in someone’s feelings, something has happened. He got triggered somehow and isn’t sharing with you whatever has happened or how he is feeling. It sounds like he is wanting time to sort things out. I’m guessing he still really likes you and that is why he is asking for more time vs. just cutting everything off right away. That means there is a little hope left.
I would suggest to take a breath and just let him come to you when he is ready. Give him the space and time and compassion as it sounds like he is dealing with something pretty difficult.
You can always message him saying, “I don’t understand what is happening, but that’s okay. I do miss you and I hope that at some point we can re-connect. Until then, know that I am sending you some good vibes and hope everything is okay. Take care.”
If he feels, on any level, that you are mad at him or disgruntled, he will not want to re-connect as he doesn’t want to get yelled at. If he knows you will be a good listener, be open and receptive, he may respond to you sooner than later.
You can send him that message or something similar, so he knows you are safe and won’t yell at him and then leave him be. Give him some time. After a few weeks, if he hasn’t responded, you can try activating his her instinct to get him to re-connect.
What do you think?
Heidi
HI Rachel,
An easy going quality can definitely lead into over extending yourself and being a people pleaser….which leads into staying quiet and not confronting or voicing your true feelings. People pleasers usually have an entire INTERNAL world, just to themselves and no one knows. Then one day, their internal world gets so filled up, they HAVE to take action and whatever that action is, most people are totally surprised, because they never saw it coming. It’s a WONDERFUL quality and it is a quality, when out of balance, that can really sabotage relationship.
Have you ever heard of Brene Brown? She has some WONDERFUL youtube videos that can really help people heal, feel validated and learn new ways to deal with the challenges of life. Here is a video that may help some.
Heidi
