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Hi Emily,
Your poor heart has just taken quite the fall. I am so sorry. I wish I could just reach through and give you a giant hug!
I’m going to say something that is really difficult. It’s time for you to let him go. He has chosen to go have other experiences and has admitted he doesn’t love you the way you love him. Not that it ever is equal or is supposed to be, but what does need to happen is for that person to feel enough love to want to continue with the relationship….and it sounds like he is not in that place.
I understand your upset and your frustration with him and you have every right to feel those things. However, it doesn’t change he needs to have some space.
If you truly do love him and respect him, that means accepting his choices and boundaries as well. You don’t want him back any sooner than when he would be ready to come back. So that means, let him go. Let him do what he needs to do and you start to figure out your life without him in it. Who knows…maybe in awhile your paths will cross again. Maybe not. Either way, it’s not a very kind thing to your heart, to sit around and wait for someone who doesn’t know what he wants.
How does me saying this, make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Jade,
Thank you for sharing your story! This is tough! So from what it sounds like, you have only met 2x? Once in Australia and once in Amsterdam? Where is he from? How long is the plan ride to visit him?
It’s a pretty bold move to purchase plane tickets hardly knowing him, but obviously the attraction was strong enough for you, that it must made sense. It’s a VERY difficult thing to start a relationship over long distance, however not impossible.
It’s important for you to understand first, that you cannot talk someone out of their fear, especially when it’s THAT big. So nothing you can say or do will change how he feels, especially being so far away. If you were in person, your chances are better. But being that you just met and barely know each other AND you are long distance, the odds are not in your favor.
I’m also wondering if he might already be dating someone at home. Maybe he wasn’t sure about her, but now he is, so he called things off with you. Maybe he recently got back together with an ex girlfriend. There are so many possibilities of what could be happening.
You can still go and show up and have fun as friends. He might find that even seeing you for a cup of coffee, he will be reminded of your chemistry and change his mind. I wonder what he would say to you still coming for a visit anyways and just having dinner together. Do you think he would be willing to do that?
Or…you can call it quits. I’m sure your airline can give you a voucher to use to travel to another location or extend the date to a different month. You can go later on next year and just don’t plan on seeing him. I know the connection is strong, but at this phase, it’s just a connection without any real substance behind it. You really don’t know who this guy is, or what he is about. I would caution you in investing too much into trying make something work with this guy.
Thoughts??
heidi
oops…pressed return a little early…
anyways, I first want to be a little more clear about self esteem. Every person has high self esteem and low self esteem. How much of each depends on the category. I have very high self esteem in many areas of my life AND I definitely have low self esteem in other areas. Sometimes I have both, in the same exact category! So you DO have high self esteem too! You are just struggling in the relationship department. Considering what you described about your childhood, it explains a lot!!!
My Coach, who is an extremely wise woman, taught me years ago that the #1 reason people don’t get better, is they get better. Doesn’t make sense right??? It’s because their system is not set up for success. So as much as you say “I want that companion for life the will have my back…” you are not ready for that. If that man showed up right at this moment, it would make you so uncomfortable!!! You would sabotage all over the place!!! And that’s because there is still enough low self esteem and feelings of not being enough, that you wouldn’t be able receive what that kind of guy can offer you. If that is really the kind of guy that you wanted, you wouldn’t be dilly dallying with the kind of guys you are choosing. You know when you are ready for that kind of guy you imagine, when you start to say NO to anyone who cannot support that vision you have.
Here is a really simple analogy….Someone may WANT so badly to lose 50 pounds and even dream about it, feel it in their gut, KNOW it is what is good for them. Yet, they still eat cookies, ice cream and fattening foods that don’t support their vision. They are not set up for success. They can even start to lose weight and then gain it back, over and over and over again. They start to get what they want, but there are still some underlying blocks preventing them from full success and sustainability of that success.
Does this concept make sense???
With your therapist, I would be addressing your ability to receive love. I would addressing your beliefs about what love is, your fears, your blocks etc. All of those things came from your experiences in your formative years. I’m sure you and your therapist are working through so many things, as you have had some extremely difficult and traumatic experiences in your life.
Thoughts?
heidi
Hi Monique!
It makes total sense! I just want to take a moment and acknowledge the strength you have in “waking up” to yourself on a deeper level. It’s always uncomfortable and requires a bit of strength and determination to get to the other side of the new discoveries about ourselves.
Hi Noemi!
Thank you for all of the details and sharing your story with us! I understand very well, what it means to love someone, even though it’s a toxic relationship. One of the most powerful loves I have felt was with a man that I argued with ALL THE TIME! It was awful. We argued over the stupidest things, yet when things were good, they were FANTASTIC!!!! We just had this chemistry and connection that was off the charts. One day though, I realized that I loved him, but I actually didn’t like him. I didn’t know that was possible, yet there I stood feeling exactly that.
Here is the thing Noemi….I’m so glad you have learned a lot about your mistakes and your insecurities. That is very important in order to help change the dynamics in a relationship, BUT he needs to work on himself as well. What is he doing to make himself a better partner. What is he learning about himself and the mistakes he made in the relationship??? You BOTH need to participate in the changes in order to shift all the arguments into something more healthy.
My suggestion is to not stay with him for 2 months without some kind of backup plan. It will be very easy for you both to fall back into the same patterns. You will still have your own place to go back to right?
If you feel you want to give it a shot and see how it works to stay at his place, then go for it. You will learn a lot right? You will learn how to use your new knowledge to be better in the relationship and you will learn if that changes anything between you guys. If it doesn’t workout, you can always just go back home.
Does this answer your questions? How do you feel about that approach?
Heidi
Hi Mary,
Once you create closure for yourself, your pain will be able to resolve. As long as you keep the hope alive and as long as you keep allowing your heart and mind free reign to think about him and wonder what happened, you will not heal. Creating closure will bring some peace into your heart. I know letting him go feels awful though. It’s hard to say goodbye and there is not a thing you can do to change how hard it really is. Be kind to yourself….
Heidi
Hi Shree,
This is great that he contacted you. Keep waiting again! Let him contact you again. How long was the text exchange? You said it was a friendly conversation, but was it short as well? Or did it go on over a few hours?
When you responded, originally, did you say anything to the affect of, “It’s so nice to hear from you. It always puts a big smile on my face….” Or did you just say…”Happy thanksgiving to you too.”
U want to make sure you make him feel like a hero when he contacts you…..that is the nurture Kanya is talking about when caring for a plant 🙂
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
I’m glad to hear you are taking it slow and that your kids are slowly getting to interact with him. I want to caution you about putting so much power in your the hands of your children. They are children and do not have the ability for abstract thinking, so their opinions are limited and full of many irrational feelings. You are the adult and can make the best decision for yourself. What you do, is you want to listen to your children and how they feel about him. Do they feel safe? Do they feel he is a good person? Do they like him? Do they enjoy when he is around? This is all good information to gather and always a good discussion to have with them openly. But you, as the adult, still make your own choices. If you say yes and your kids say no, I would hate for you to give them that power and lose out on something that could really be nourishing for you.
Just a thought…
Heidi
Hi Mary,
The purpose of sending that message is for yourself. It has nothing to do with him. You don’t want him to respond. It doesn’t matter if it phases him or not. This is about YOU saying it’s over….for yourself. Making that proclamation can really help you to energetically close the door on him because you actually made the statement and put it out there and you let him know where you stand.
You of course don’t have to send that. what about writing him a letter…say everything you want to say and then burn it….or attach it to some helium balloons and watch it fly away as you are letting him go.
You need to do something to create closure for yourself. Maybe block his number so that you don’t expect to ever hear from again. You are still holding on and it’s time for you to stop torturing yourself, so the thing is…you need to make some sort of gesture or gestures for your heart saying, “it’s over and I am not longer going to keep hoping.” It needs to be more than just words in your head right now. You need some sort of ACTION to make it more real.
Thoughts?
Heidi
HI Danielle,
I am so sorry! It’s disappointing and heartbreaking isn’t it??? Are you going through a divorce as well? You said you were having a difficult time as well, so I’m wondering what’s going on for you….
He is confused and not ready to enter into a relationship. That means, regardless of whether or not you are waiting, he is going to move on with his life and build it in a way that works for him. I would not suggest waiting. He is confused, he is not ready, he is trying to build a new life with a new identity. He is very smart in not moving forward with you. If he did, I guarantee you guys would run into a TON of trouble just simply because he needs some time to grieve the loss of his marriage and try to re-create who he is and he can’t do that with you in the picture. Don’t wait. Let him figure out who he is. You move on with your life and if at some point, your paths cross again, then you guys can re-evaluate. You say you are waiting, but you are still texting and needing connection from him and that is what he doesn’t want right now. He needs his space and he is choosing to take care of himself right now over his need to love you. He knows he doesn’t have much to offer you right now, so he is making a good decision for both you.
Are you willing to let him go and honor what he needs right now?
Heidi
Hi Peggy,
Wow…things have really turned around for you. I’m glad you are connecting into what you need and making it a priority.
I’m glad you met this other man and had a good date. BE CAREFUL! Your thoughts are already going to “he may be a potential soul mate.” When you start to head in that direction after one date and not even having ended it with the last guy…there is something in you really wanting connect and it’s not coming from a healthy place. You felt like that about your last guy.
I want to invite you to think about something. You are getting mad at these men who are treating you well and the way you feel you deserve. You are putting the blame on them when truth is, they are just being who they are and YOU are the one participating, so this is really about your choices. You are wanting them to do for you, what you are not willing to do for yourself.
I know you feel angry at this guy for not being what you wanted him to be, so instead you go on another date and connect and cuddle and kiss and you haven’t even allowed yourself to grieve the loss of this guy you really invested in. So now that your needs were not being met with the current guy, instead of taking time and figuring out how to meet your own needs, you immediately go on a date and have another guy meet your needs for you.
I know what you are searching for and I know it’s very easy to just find a guy to fill those needs. Reality is, this new guy is going to disappoint you as well. He is going to hurt you, he is going to make decisions that you don’t agree with, he is going to not see you and take care of you many times….so then what??? What are you going to do when he is not able to be the kind of man you want him to be??? It’s always like that in relationships and that’s why it is sooooo crucial to learn how to meet your own needs, so when your partner is not showing up for you, you are okay and you don’t run.
Does this make sense?
I’m not saying not to date this new guy or not to break up with your current guy….I’m just wanting to shine some light on a possible pattern you might have that will prevent you from getting what you really want. You may or may not connect to what I am saying….let me know!
As far as ending it with the current guy, you can say something simple like, “I’m looking for someone who has nothing stopping him from wanting to know all of who I am and all of who he is….together. I’m afraid too….going deep is risky and scary and it’s impossible to avoid that however, I am willing to risk and I really have started to realize you are not quite there yet. Whether you are not willing to risk because it’s me and I don’t inspire that from you or whether you just don’t want to risk period…it doesn’t matter. The end result is the same and it is important that I honor your choice as well honor my desires. So it’s time to head down our separate paths. You were a wonderful experience for me and I appreciate all that we shared. Thank you.”
Thoughts??
Heidi
Hi Alicia!!!
Thank you for sharing your story! Heartbreak is soooo so difficult to deal with. It is so hard to break a pattern after 3 years. You can do it though! It is for your own good to protect and take care of your heart now…all on your own.
The reality is, there is something inside of you that you are wanting him to do for you, that you are not willing to do for yourself. Truth is, as wonderful as his personality was, you were living in a fantasy that you were in a relationship with him and you weren’t. Just like what Kanya said, he had a whole different life away from you…with a wife. You chose to get involved in a situation with a man who is not available. You continued these exchanges for so long that you started to believe that there was actually something there. There wasn’t. Now you are waking up to the reality that he is committed to HER, not you. He has made his choice and made his choice every day for 3 years, that he was giving his commitment to his wife and not to you.
The gift here is, you know what it feels like to really care for someone and to really like a man’s personality. There are more of them out there!!!
The reason you have such challenging relationships is because of your choices. If you feel like you don’t deserve better, then you will pick men who support that belief. It has nothing to do with THEM and everything to do with you. I used to be like you. I picked men who were emotionally unavailable all of the time. Then I started to heal all of the hurt I was carrying around and now….I meet a TON of great guys!!! There are so many men out there that are available and will treat you well, but YOU have to believe you deserve it.
It’s time to let him go. It’s time to turn away from a man who has nothing to offer you and turn towards yourself and make a commitment to yourself that you are going to protect your heart from now. You are going to KNOW that your heart is sacred. It is the most special, most sacred part of who you are and you are no longer going to hand it over to ANYONE who will not honor it and take care of it that way. And then you need to start working on your self esteem and all those negative beliefs you have about yourself. Are you able to work with a coach or therapist who can personally guide you through that?
Heidi
Hi Alexa,
Okay, this makes a lot more sense now.
NO….you are not being too selfish. NO!!! You did not sabotage the relationship by not being more supportive. It’s a learning curve and you are doing the very best that you know how. The thing is, you are not receiving much in return. He isn’t putting much effort into the relationship, therefore you anxiety about the situation is increasing….who wouldn’t have that response???
Has it always been like this, or have you felt him shift and become more distant as time went on?
There is only so much effort you can put in and each person’s tolerance levels are different, so only YOU know when you are done trying. You can decide to stay distant and continue to let him initiate and see what kinds of efforts he puts in or you can just simply end things and say, “Listen….I need to admit that it feels like I am ready to disconnect. It doesn’t feel like you are really invested in me. I know you have a lot going on and soooo much to deal with, but it just feels like the distance combined with your need to take care of whatever you need to do right now…it’s just not a formula I am inspired to keep working with. I admit that I need more and I need to honor that. So it’s time to just let this go, you go be you and I will go be me and let’s just agree that we gave it a shot and it didn’t work and it’s okay!”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Petra,
Wow! What a story!
So if I understand it correctly, you want a family and are not willing to let that go? This is a challenging situation, just because of your age. If he is totally willing and not attached to having a family, then you guys are good to go, but he may not know that about himself quite yet. He may change his mind in 5 or 6 years and you will be at an age that you may not be able to have children.
It sounds like this is the only thing getting in the way. I don’t mean to stereotype, but from my experiences and knowledge of people who work in that industry or something similar, commitment and settling down is EXTREMELY difficult. They “play” for a living and it’s tough to give that up.
So let us know where you are at….are you stuck on having a family? There really is no “figuring this out” as this particular topic is a pretty black and white thing. If you are stuck on having a family, you need to move on and depending on his desires, you also may need to move on.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Myloe,
You are in a tough situation. You have a partner whom you don’t feel emotionally safe with. He is an alcoholic and he is emotionally abusive. When someone heads into a temper, if he hasn’t hit you yet, that may end up being in the cards somehow.
So let me ask you this question. Are you connected at all to the REAL reasons why you want to stay and keep fighting for a guy who won’t fight for himself or your marriage? I cannot imagine you are happy.
Heidi
