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Hi Shree,
What wonderful realizations you have had. It sounds like he really does open up, but only when he wants to and only when he is not being pushed. Right now, it’s not really an issue, but I really want you to consider that it changes once you get into a romantic relationship with him and if you continue to build a family. When 2 people start to live together and intertwine their lives, communication is so so so important!!! I imagine he might be the type to just hold his feelings in about things that might frustrate him or irritate him and he won’t tell you until it has built up. I don’t know for sure if that is how he will behave, but most likely. He holds his feelings very close and that creates a GIANT problem the closer you get to someone. If there is not open and free flowing communication about ALL areas of life, you are going to run into some major challenges. I’m only saying this for you to be aware of what you are choosing. It’s crucial you really see the challenges you will face the deeper you go with him. So just be ready and really make sure your expectations match who he IS and not what you want him to be for you. I could totally be wrong AND it’s important to be realistic. He is NOT that kind of guy that you can just “trigger” and he all of a sudden has an undying passion for you. In order for a person to have undying passion, there has to be an internal self esteem, strength and safety to support that undying passion. He DOES NOT HAVE THAT! He does not feel safe inside of himself. He has limited trust inside of himself therefore limited trust in you. . You explained that part of your attraction to him was his quiet and reserved self. It is not even in his personality to express undying passion in romance, especially since he is still protecting himself from hurt due to past relationships.
I’m not trying to change your mind. I am wanting to ground you in the reality of who he is so you know what you are dealing with and set your expectations accordingly. You will find so much more ease and peace as you move forward with him. I think you are wise to wait a bit to tell him how you feel. Being that he doesn’t handle emotional stress so well, it’s good for him to focus on his current situation and get through it, before connecting with you in that way.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Janet!
I’m glad to hear you are grateful in your life and have a lot of good things going for you! I imagine that is part of why the men say “How are you still single?” You have a lot going for you.
AND…we all have areas where we struggle. I have a ton of self esteem and strength and quite an amazing life and in certain areas, I still have a lot of work to do and that is normal. So it sounds like you struggle a bit more in the romance department.
I’m not sure of your question. What “stuff” are you referring to and what if it influences what? Here are just a few questions….what is your pattern in dating? What type are you typically attracted to? What do you feel is influencing your attitude towards men and dating? Is there anything in particular that you notice that would be influencing your lack of success in finding someone long term?
Heidi
Hi Janet,
A lot of studies have been done about compliments. It takes, on average, 20 seconds for the compliment to be fully absorbed. It’s very important to learn how to receive a compliment. It’s a gift another person is trying to give you and when you don’t fully receive it, it’s like giving it back to them.
When someone is being flirty like that, I suggest just receiving it. I’m not sure they are really asking for a specific answer. When I have hear that one, I usually just smile, I might get a little bashful and I say something like, “Thank you. That is a really nice thing to say and it made me feel good.” I usually put my hand to my heart as well, as a gesture of receiving what they said. It’s VERY VERY important for you to be able to receive compliments. If you can’t, then maybe now is a good time to start practicing!!! Ask your friends to tell you the top 3 things they like best about you. Ask your family to tell you what qualities are your best qualities.
You don’t want to say that you there aren’t a lot of quality guys out there. It’s a statement that puts the blame on the guy when the truth is, it’s about you and them together. I have come across a TON of quality guys, but they still didn’t match me, so it’s not necessarily about the quality of a person. I’m wondering if that mindset of yours is contributing to your challenge of finding someone…
Sometimes, they may pursue the question of why you aren’t with someone, after you receive the compliment. If they pursue the question, I usually put it on myself and say something like, “I just haven’t come across a man that inspires me to want to move forward into something deeper.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Reema,
With the kind of stance you are taking, I’m thinking you have quite a strong connection with him, maybe more than you are willing to admit. You ARE putting ultimatums on him. You don’t want to be “strung along” and you are setting some very clear boundaries about what you need. If it were truly casual, I can’t imagine you would go to such efforts. With all the efforts you are putting into this, it seems like you want something more serious with him. Your heart is involved. Are you sure you feel okay with him dating other women? Even if it’s just casual? And what is casual anyways? Kissing, but no sex?
Heidi
Hi Carol,
I am soooooo sorry to hear this. It sounds like he definitely got a hold of your heart strings. Did he get/take anything from you? Usually scam artists are after something, so I’m not sure if he got some of your money or info. or something of that nature.
How long ago did this happen? How did you find out? Were you able to confront him at all? When you keep thinking about him, what kinds of thoughts are you having about him? Are you still imagining a relationship with him?
Heidi
Hi Myloe,
I understand. Small things often is the motto to go by. Being that you live together, you can’t “go away” and that’s okay. You can still just give space. So express your love or appreciation in small ways through the day. Make sure it’s always authentic and meaningful for you too whenever you choose to say or do something…and then just give space to let him receive it and don’t expect anything in return. Give from your heart without expectation.
Are you guys getting help at all? It sounds like there is a lot to repair between you guys and could use a 3rd party perspective that help guide you both to a better way to connect. If not, then what is your plan to shift things? You can do all the work and help things shift some, but he also needs to his work as well. BOTH people need to put in effort in order for healing to take place.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Takeya!
Thank you for sharing your story with us! You are right….it is different isn’t it?
So when you guys kissed, did you want more? Did you feel a sexual connection at all? You say you aren’t sexually attracted to him and that definitely could be a problem and something to really pay attention to. One thing I have learned over the many years, is just because I have a strong connection with someone and have feelings for someone, it doesn’t mean I should pursue it. For example, there is a man currently in my life where we both have an EXTREMELY strong attraction to each other, our conversations are BRILLIANT and it’s so much fun. However, I do know that he has certain limitations I am not willing to invite into my life. So I just have fun and enjoy our exchanges and the feelings I get to have with him, but just leave it at that. I think about him all the time and just send him a lot of good vibes and then move on. So it’s okay you have all of these feelings and NOT do anything with them.
I suggest to still just give it some space and see how things naturally develop instead of taking the lead and pursuing something with him. His immediate response of saying “I’m not a good kisser” just tells you he doesn’t have much confidence in himself in that area. You may not feel sexual towards him because maybe he has shut down that part of who he is. Do you guys flirt at all?
I vote for just sitting with the feelings and allowing yourself the option to NOT do anything at the moment and gather more information. Keep interacting, maybe start to ask questions about past relationships etc. and see how he responds. Maybe start flirting a little more and see if he responds to that as well. LET HIM INITIATE!!! Give him space to feel his manliness and wanting you. Have patience. If you give it enough time, you might find you lose interest or you might find a stronger attraction.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sharon,
You are quite wise!!! I love your strength and ability to really face the truth about what you are doing and why. To me, that is one of the most important things in order to be accepting of yourself. I have to say this to myself all the time, “I know exactly what you are doing right now heidi and I know you know it is not the best choice and I know you are going to choose anyway, from an unhealthy place. I love you anyways.” Otherwise, the nasty judgment will get a hold of me and just make everything worse!
So what I want to suggest is to really look at what you are wanting Matt to do for you that you won’t do for yourself. You keep inviting him everywhere and not allowing him to take the lead. You are not able to give him space and hold to setting a boundary for yourself. So what is he doing for you that you are not willing to do for yourself? You are not able to give space, because you have a need that is soooo strong that it overrides any boundaries you have set for yourself. He is meeting that need somehow, so you reach out to him and connect and have HIM meet that need instead of you meeting that need yourself. So what is HE doing for you, that YOU are not willing to do for yourself?
Heidi
Hi Laura,
Wow….I am so sorry! I’m sure your heart is breaking and of course you are confused. How old is he? How old are your children? I’m wondering if it’s the empty nesting, midlife crisis kind of thing happening and he is sooooo uncomfortable in his life that he just needs to make a decision…and that decision is a divorce.
He needs help and it’s a bummer that he is communicating with your sons instead of you directly. I suggest to NOT talk to your sons about this. They don’t need to be in the middle and share information between you guys as that needs to happen directly. Be a good role model for them by keeping them out of your marriage challenges and handling this directly.
I know you want him back. Even if you did get him back, it doesn’t change that he has a girlfriend (that isn’t working out – but still) and even if they break up, the odds of him cheating again are VERY HIGH. He doesn’t seem to be the type to just directly deal with how he is feeling. How are you at doing that? Did you guys argue a lot?
Have you checked out our “Relationship Rewrite Method” yet? There are a lot of wonderful tips in there that can maybe start to help you repair the relationship.
What is your current status with him? It sounds like he doesn’t live there anymore, but do you guys ever talk? How often? What is it about? Have you directly told him that you want to work on the relationship?
Heidi
Hi Valerie,
Thank you for sharing your struggle.
The first thing I want to recommend is to NOT play the game he plays with you. It hurts right? Are you wanting to hurt him?
It most likely will cause him to put his walls up and that is the last thing you want to do.
Second thing is, it’s important for you to really understand that IF he ever does change how he handles confrontation, it needs to come from him. This is not about you saying or doing anything specific to get him to change that behavior of his. This type of pattern has been inside of him most likely his entire life. It’s a natural and instinctive way to respond. He may never change that part of him. I know many people who don’t. So if you are going to stay with him, this is just part of the equation, just as your limitations are part of who you are as well.
So how long does he usually disappear for? A few days? A week? How does he connect again? Does he just text you one day? Do you guys ever end up talking what happened and resolve the issue or does he just want to pretend it’s all okay and not talk about the argument? Do you guys argue about the same kinds of things?
Heidi
one more quick question….
is there any evidence, other than him not coming up to visit, that you are not enhancing his life? Is there any other evidence of you feeling like he is losing interest in general?
Heidi
Hi Alexa,
Thanks for your story!
I really want to encourage you to not take this personally. The BIGGEST trap that many women fall into is the thinking, “If he really loved me, he would have come to visit me. I would have come for a visit and not cancelled last minute.” It’s putting your thoughts and feelings into his situation. You keep saying you understand, but you really don’t. You have NO IDEA how he is really feeling. He isn’t talking to you about it, which is the FIRST sign that he is under A LOT of stress. He was most likely triggered by the event. He got evacuated from him home! That is so scary!!!! The environment he is in right now is depressing, challenging and completely overwhelming. He is surrounded by smoke (as I know you are as well) and he was close enough to it, that he had to go through this very stressful moment of having to decide what to take from his home very quickly and evacuate.
Men, many times, when they reach a certain stress level, just want to be alone. They need to sort things out before they come out of their “cave.” IT”S NOT PERSONAL! It doesn’t mean that you aren’t meeting his needs. It doesn’t mean that you are not providing the “enhancement” in his life. It just means that he is super stressed and he just needed to be alone, in his house that he thought he might lose. Of course he wants to stay home!
The best thing you can do right now is to support him. Maybe bake him some cookies and send it to him. Maybe you go visit him instead? Maybe offer to take him to a movie? I don’t know how you guys interact, but for right now, it needs to be all about him and supporting him as he gets through this difficult moment….and supporting him, might mean to give him space. It’s easy to ask, “How can I best support you right now? Would you like me to disappear for a few days? Would you like me to come visit?”
Even getting him to talk about it. “Tell me what kinds of thoughts went through your head when you were told you had to evacuate. What did you take with you?” He might not be ready to talk about it just yet, but at some point he will be, so create the space for it.
Make sense?
Heidi
For couples who are drifting apart, “The Relationship Rewrite Method” is a wonderful tool. I’m not sure if that is the one you are already reading or not, but just in case it isn’t, check it out!
Hi Myloe!
Thank you for writing in. I’m not sure what step 1 is, as we have many programs. What specifically are you reading?
How long have you been married? We can also offer specific guidance for you if you would like to share you story a bit more.
Heidi
Hi Dora,
This is a great question!
The answer is you don’t. You don’t change him. You don’t spend ANY energy or thoughts into figuring out how to be important to him. If you are already trying to figure out how to be important to him, in a BRAND NEW relationship where it needs to be effortless and easy, then you are in looooooong road of rejection.
This is who he is and it is important you really truly understand that. It is a VERY unkind thing to do to enter into a relationship hoping they will change. You are not accepting him for who he is, and he deserves that. Any changes he makes, needs to be from himself. HE needs to want to change. If you just keep telling him how you want him to think about you sometimes, he will feel like you are “nagging” him, he will feel like he can’t make you happy and he will start to feel resentful and pull away.
So the best thing you can do, is to accept him for who he is. He is selfish. And he gets to be. It is YOUR choice if you want to participate in that.
I know this is not what you wanted to hear. I’m trying to really get you connected to the truth.
Maybe you guys can just keep visiting each other and not take the steps to move in together yet. You may find he shifts over time as he gets used to the idea of having to think about someone else. Just slow things down a bit and keep gathering more information.
Thoughts?
Heidi
