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Hi Reema,
I am so sorry! It’s so frustrating for someone to just disappear. It’s hurtful and you feel discarded.
I would not suggest any further phone calls. You have made your efforts and he is not responding. You want to not “de-value” yourself in his eyes, but think about this…. a woman is willing to date him while she is aware that he is being intimate with and dating another woman. Do you really think he won’t see you as being a bit “desperate?” You care more than you are willing to admit. You are here, asking for guidance and advice. That means you care, yet you are telling him that it won’t bother you if he is sleeping with another woman and building a relationship with her??? If it doesn’t bother you, then that says to him that you don’t care. That’s quite a mixed message.
You believe in the strength of your connection, but his attentions are elsewhere. Whatever experience he is choosing to have right now with this other woman, it’s more than the connection he has with you. He has made his choice. DO NOT allow yourself to be the person on the “backburner.” That is dis-honoring to you and de-values you….to yourself! You don’t deserve to play second fiddle…unless you really don’t care…then it doesn’t really matter….but that’s not the case here.
So I suggest you create closure. You can say something like, “Listen…I get that your attentions are elsewhere and I am going to respect that. You won’t hear from me anymore. I will miss you. I hope you find what you are looking for! Should anything change, hit me up and we can go for drinks or something.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Shalini,
Thank you for sharing your story! I am so sorry for what you are going through! I know your heart is broken…again. Your marriage did not work and now this love does not get to grow.
I think it’s important for you to let him go. He is not available for you. It’s really that plain and simple. He is married. Despite your feelings for each other, he is not willing to leave his wife and he is very clear about that.
I think it’s really important for your healing to let him go. Maybe 20 years down the road, your love can flourish or maybe you will even find someone new to get to grow with and feel happy with. But for right now, he is NOT a possibility.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you were and are hoping for some sort of magical solution to fix this. I don’t blame you. It’s important however, that you honor his choice and that you even honor the marriage. Happy or not, they did make a commitment to each other and they BOTH are choosing to still participate. How would you feel if a woman was doing everything she could to take your husband?? It would hurt!
Care enough about him and care about what it means to be a wife to let them figure this out on their own without you in the picture.
Thoughts???
Heidi
Hi Reed,
Thank you for all the details! It is helpful for being able to offer some guidance.
I understand why you are so confused. He is sending some mixed messages and it can get confusing.
I’m going to just be very blunt and straight up right now. You are not listening to him. You are wanting something from him that he does not want to offer. He DOES NOT WANT to be in a relationship. He does not believe in love. He is giving you all that he has right now.
The problem here is, you are not accepting that about him and you are constantly pulling at him for more. This is what is making you “needy.” A guy DOES NOT want to have to re-assure his woman all the time about how he feels. A guy needs to know his woman is okay without him, his woman has a strong sense of who she is. A guy wants to know his woman has standards about how she is treated and that she will not accept anything less than that. So far, you have shown him, that is not who you are. You have allowed yourself to be treated meanly by him. You have chased and chased and chased after him, even though he has treated you badly…..all of which makes you appear desperate and needy. He does not see that you have much respect for yourself. A man needs to chase the woman. You have made yourself available to him in any form that he wants. You are basically saying, “You can mistreat me, you can use me, you can reject me, you can play games with me AND I will continue to chase you so you can just keep doing that.”
So let’s just start with you. What is going on for you that you keep chasing this guy? He is not available. He has told you that in many different ways. Instead, you are trying to change him. That is a pretty normal trap women fall into and it is a GUARANTEED failure. SO the first place to start, is to stop asking him how he feels, stop trying to put any definition on the relationship and ACCEPT that you are choosing a man who does not want to offer his heart to you. He has a lot of walls up and it is not YOUR job to knock them down. That is HIS job. If you keep trying to take a hammer and break down those walls, you will chase him away in an instant. So this is about you setting some standards. Stop asking him how he feels about you and wait for him to tell you. Stop chasing him and initiating all the time and let him initiate. Stop talking about the relationship and wait for him to bring it up. If he never brings it up, if he never tells you how he feels, then that tells you that he is just not that kind of guy and most likely never will be.
And lastly, it is not your fault that he is this way. Whatever the reasons are for his walls to be up so high, those things happened to him waaaaay before you came along. ANY woman would have a hard time getting a deep connection from him. He has his emotions and his heart on lockdown. So this is not about you and him not committing to you because it’s you. He doesn’t and won’t commit to anyone. Even if he ended up in a relationship with another woman down the road….I GUARANTEE you, it won’t be a happy one. He has to deal with the pain and hurt that is in those walls, if he is ever going to truly love again.
Does this make sense?
And lastly, go check out our product “What Men Secretly Want” There is a section in there talking about the Respect Principle.” This would be a wonderful thing for you to read! It will help you connect to yourself better and help the dynamics between you guys, change a bit. It won’t fix that he is emotionally unavailable, but I think it will help you learn how to take care of yourself better!
Thoughts?
heidi
Hi Sarah,
I’m so sorry to hear this! I know how hard that can be to one minute start planning a future and then the next minute, you don’t exist. First, it’s important to understand the he is someone REALLY committed to his family. It is a wonderful quality AND it is also not a good quality. Each one of us has those types of qualities that are great in life AND not so great…just depending on the situation. As you are experiencing, this wonderful quality of his, is not working out so well for you, being on the receiving end of it. This is who he is and it’s important for you to see what his tendencies are.
It’s not about you. This is about his heart being overtaken by his need to take care of his family and his fear of what will happen if he doesn’t. That fear is bigger than his plan with you. Fear is sooooo powerful.
So let’s just start with plan A. If it doesn’t work, then we can go to a plan b or plan c. To start, what are some ways you can support him during this time. Put your plans on hold for right now about moving in together. That can happen a little later when he feels everything is settled down. So in the meantime, it’s about finding out what is stressing him out so deeply and doing what you can to guide him through that challenge and support his need to help his family. So what kinds of things can you do for him??
Heidi
Hi Monique,
This is so difficult isn’t it? That’s the million dollar question…how do I NOT worry??? The thing is, that isn’t the real question to take you towards healing. If you understand that your worry is about you not feeling like you are enough…it’s just simple low self esteem….then your questions would be….who taught me that I was not enough in life? Who rejected me in the past and caused me to feel like I wasn’t good enough? Where did I learn that I wasn’t enough??
These types of questions can usually lead you to the places where that low self esteem began to grow inside of you. So usually, my first questions are about your family. How was your relationship with your father? your mother? your siblings?
The thing is, working with low self esteem is a process. Truth be told, YOU are choosing this situation. YOU are choosing to be with a guy who has 1 foot out the door. So what does that say about you?? It tells me that you would rather have this connection with this guy MORE than connection with yourself. It isn’t a very loving thing for your heart to have to be in a situation where someone isn’t fully invested. Many times, when women choose this type of situation, they are SUBCONSCIOUSLY trying to work through a lot of the same issues they have had in their past. Maybe they had a father that was emotionally unavailable, so they keep being with guys who are emotionally unavailable…and SUBCONSCIOULY they think…if this emotionally unavailable guy finally chooses me, fights for me, values me….THEN I am finally valuable. I have mastered it! Unfortunately, it NEVER turns out that way, as there are so many problems with that kind of design to begin with.
So if you really want to not worry, then it’s about exploring in yourself….what is happening inside of you, that you would choose a guy that is emotionally unavailable? That’s where your low self esteem lives and will be able to give you an answer. I also HIGHLY recommend doing this with a someone skilled at guiding you through this process. If you have this kind of dating pattern, it really might be worth it for you so you can actually shift the pattern.
Does any of this make sense???
Heidi
Hi Alebana,
Wow…he REALLY is making this difficult.
Listen…you need to do this NOW!!!! He is making plans with you in the future. He is spending money on you, not knowing what is really happening for you. You are hurting and he has no clue. You promised him you would be honest and you need to follow through with that.
The longer you wait, the harder this will get. It will slowly torture you and he will notice something is different when you see each other. You can do this! It’s time for you to be honest! It’s time for you to be the kind of friend you would want him to be to you! You are hurting yourself and you are hurting him by hiding.
So let’s do this….go ahead and write the email of what you want to say. Send to us and let us guide you and what to say. I still think it would be a good idea to talk to him on the phone though. Even if you read your letter to him over the phone, that could work and you would just preface by saying, “I’m about to say something very difficult for me, so I had to write it out and then we can talk about it if you want.”
NOTHING will be able to replace what he is offering you. It’s not supposed to….but it will help. That’s all those activities are meant to do.
It’s time…make a plan and get it done today or tomorrow. You can do this!
Heidi
Hi Kate,
He is definitely sending some very mixed messages, so I understand your desire to get some guidance.
I first want to mention…that if you feel you have to “fix” something about a relationship after just one month of dating, that’s usually not a good sign. It should take awhile before the challenges show up. The beginning should be fun and easy. You haven’t done anything “wrong.” The reality is, the beginning is so very fragile. The way you eat, the way you may say something, the way you laugh, the way you have sex….all those kinds of things will either bring someone closer or push them away, simply because it is or is not a good match.
Even though this guy said some wonderful things, he is not following through with his actions. It sounds like he really is just interested and exploring life at this time and he isn’t interested in having anything serious. It sounds like he just wants to keep it light and a “friends with benefits” type of thing. So if you don’t mind that design, then go for it!
If you want something that is more serious, you are looking in the wrong direction. He doesn’t want that and he clearly has said so. It’s important for you to listen to him. So if you want to pull him back in, it would be about shifting what you want from him, which is just to have fun, have sex and that’s it. No deep relationship talk, expect he will be doing this with other women as well and let it go.
Is this design something you want with him?
Heidi
Hi Shree,
Well…you did a wonderful thing by coming here to get some advice. That is what will make you a good partner for any man. A relationship works well when there are 2 people willing to grow and learn about being a better person, a better partner and having a desire for growth. So keep growing and learning for yourself!
And I just want to really encourage you….it is so important that you accept him for who he is and not hope that he will change someday. This is so important to consider when giving your heart to someone. So ask yourself, if it’s 10 years down the road and he still NEVER tells you anything and keeps you shut out of his personal thoughts and space, will you be okay with that?
The challenge he will face with any lady, is that at some point, they will want in and he won’t let them. He has walls up for a reason. If you spend your energy trying to build trust and create space for him, all in hopes that he will open up and talk, you are in for a losing battle. I’m not saying that something won’t change at some point, because it very well could. Your responsibility though, is to accept him for EXACTLY who he is and not hope for that change, because that is hoping that he will be someone different than who he is…and that in and of itself brings a lot of problems into a relationship. However, if you feel all your needs can be met and feel good about being with a guy who doesn’t talk to you about what is happening deeply for him, then go for it!!!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Shree! thanks for the shorter name 🙂
Have you ever read “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus?” It’s an old book, but still very effective. It addresses how men and women operate differently when it comes to resolving their problems.
First and foremost, it is CRUCIAL that you don’t take this personally, as if he doesn’t trust you. Truth is, he doesn’t trust ANYONE. And even more true, he doesn’t trust himself. This is his own issue that existed waaaaaaay before you came along. The best thing you can do is just to be there for him. You can say things like, “I see that you are struggling with something. I’m here is you ever feel like talking about it.” “I can tell you are thinking about something a lot. Wanna go to a movie for a brain break?”
Each time you ask if he is okay…it’s most likely going to shut him down. However, if you just validate that you see him struggling and offer comfort in some sort of way and you DO NOT ASK HIM TO TALK to you, he may start to feel more comfortable with himself and maybe one day, open up. You just want to be there for whenever he is ready, if he ever gets to that point.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Mary!
One thing that can help is get a digital app recording on your phone. Anytime you want to message him, just talk into the recorder and tell him what you would want to tell him. Or write it out in a journal. Or write a letter to him and then burn it.
What’s important most of all, is to get those words you want to message him, out of your head! As long as they stay stuck in your mind and heart, there is no movement and healing. Get them out somehow!!!! This worked amazingly well for me when I had a very difficult breakup. There was so much I wanted to say, but couldn’t. Give it a shot! It’s about transforming all of those feelings and words into something different.
Also, anytime you want to go message him you say to yourself, “No Mary. It’s over. It’s time to run away and create an ending.” As long as you keep “hoping” that he will contact you someday, it will keep you connected to the situation. If you say to yourself, it’s over and you don’t want to be with a guy who just completely ghosts you and doesn’t even honor or respect you enough to at least tell you why. This guy is a chicken! You want to be with a guy who just bails like that???
Heidi
Hi Noemi,
We are so glad you are hear and sharing your story with us! I’m really glad to hear that you found some success with the techniques and that you are learning how to better communicate and ask for your needs! This is important stuff to learn so you can be a better partner in the future.
Your situation is a bit difficult in that your guy isn’t really responding. He responded at first, but like you said, you don’t see any ACTIONS to go with his words. He also still did say that he thought it was best to stay separated, even though he loves you.
Something has shifted for him and I don’t know what that is, but he sounds clear that he is not interested anymore. It doesn’t mean that will be forever though. Sometimes people end up coming back around. Either way, I think it’s important that you accept his decision and create your space.
You can finalize it by saying something like, “I understand you would like to move on and I will respect that. I just wanted to say again, I love you, I appreciate you and I really value the time we spent together. I wish you all the best in your life. Take care!”
That way he knows that you are still not holding on and he will actually have more respect for you that way. That respect is so important for him to feel if he is ever going to feel good about coming back. He needs to know you have a backbone and that you will be okay without him.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Monique!
How long have you been together up this point?
You guys are still a pretty new relationship. I think the challenge here is that your struggle is that you might be feeling like you are not enough for him, that he still thinks about his ex and he still has moments of wanting to be single. Do you have any thoughts like, “If he really was into me, he would fully commit? If he really liked me, he wouldn’t have a problem committing?”
He is going to need some time AND most importantly, the more you support and understand that he is having a hard time with certain issues, it can actually bond you guys together. Not that you have to sit and listen to his struggles about his ex and what not, but maybe just giving him a hug when you notice he is “distracted” or writing out a card to him saying something like, “I understand your struggle and it’s okay. A broken heart can take awhile to heal. How about we meet at this hotel in the lobby and sit next to the fireplace and enjoy some cheese and crackers and a glass of wine and just shoot the shit.” Little things like that can actually help him feel supported, validated and bond to you more because of your acceptance. Your acceptance of him can actually help him accept himself better….it’s like you are role modeling for him, what he needs to do for himself…and THAT is what can help create healing inside of him.
His challenges have nothing to do with you, however it is triggering you because you are most likely taking it personally. So what if you deal with that inside of yourself first? What if you worked on caring for yourself and fighting for yourself instead of wanting him to fix it for you. You have this thinking that if he just would fully commit and get over his ex, you will feel better. That may be true, but that also means you are wanting HIM to take care of you instead of you taking care of you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Kate,
Thank you for writing in and sharing with us!!!
A little more detail is helpful. You dated for 2 weeks and then he has disappeared?? Or do you guys still talk every once in awhile? Does he ever initiate contact with you? What is his age and your age?
Hope to hear from you soon!
Heidi
Hi Alebana!
You do have quite the busy life. It sounds like even if you did have friends, you wouldn’t have much time to spend with them anyways. I’m sorry you are having to face this. It’s hard. He brought a lot of fun and pleasure into your life. That’s why it’s important to find ways to replace that fun, with a different kind of fun. It won’t be the same, but you CANNOT live your life just at work and school. If you don’t have any fun going in, you will EASILY fall back into connecting with him. So maybe on a break, you go visit a shelter and walk a dog or go to a playground and watch kids playing and laughing and being silly, or watch a good movie or get back into your martial arts on Sunday. This is CRUCIAL!!! You cannot expect to take something so nourishing out of your life and not replace with anything. It won’t work. What can you do???
When are you going to send the email? Maybe you can call instead? It might be good for him to personally hear your voice and you won’t be in danger of temptation. Just a thought. I trust you will do what is best for you.
Heidi
Hi Wen,
I understand you want to “teach” him something. You want him to respect you and you want him to fight for time with you and build that into his busy life. The thing is, if you respect yourself, then he has no choice but to either respect you or leave. You teach him this by setting boundaries for yourself instead of requiring HIM to figure it out.
It’s important to understand that men and women operate VERY differently. Women, at our very core, are designed for relationship and connection. If you take away our relationships and ability to connect, it shatters us. For men, its about their ability to produce. They NEED to create something, do something, accomplish something. If that is taken away, they are lost, are HORRIBLE at relationship and they lose themselves.
So although you are building your own business and probably very busy, here you are on this forum, still making efforts to learn and figure out how to make the relationship work better. He, on the other hand, probably doesn’t give it much thought. And it’s not because he doesn’t care….it’s because he is a guy and he is just built differently. He will care for the relationship in HIS way and you will care for it in your way. And that’s where a lot of challenges can show up and where the woman can start to “nag” and push the man away, but all that is really happening is a lack of understanding of each other.
So before you try techniques or stand your ground, what EXACTLY do you want from him? I know you want more time with him. I know you want him to make more effort to get together with you. What EXACTLY would that look like? Do you want 1 night a week of hanging out? Are you good with maybe him sending you short little messages throughout the day? For where he is at right now with work and where you are at, it’s important to get a CLEAR and EXACT picture of what you want from him and then we can go from there. Let us know….
Heidi
