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Hi Lynda!
Yes, you are getting triggered all over the place! I know how awful that feels! It’s unfortunately a necessary evil in order to grow. You want to become a better partner, yes? You want to get a handle on your anxiety, yes? Well…this is the typical process. You get triggered, then you work through the triggers, the stories, the hurt you are carrying from your past. Basically, pain is needed as a motivator. If we felt good all the time, we wouldn’t be inspired to grow now would we? So pain…pain will show up to create movement. You can either listen to it and work with it and let it be your teacher, or you can bury it (which is what most people do).
I tried to get a part time job, but I couldn’t do it because it was when all this started happening and I couldn’t focus and do the job because of the anxiety. I also just kept thinking about everything I could be doing at home to help the business while I was there. This is your co-dependence again. You quit a job because you are wanting to help HIM and HIS business. You are wanting to invest every part of yourself into HIS design, HIS life, HIS job and that is the key pattern that is contributing to the distance you are feeling from him. You invest everything you have, he receives it, but doesn’t reciprocate and then you become resentful because he is not supporting or investing in you on the same level. Your connection is really out of balance. So….my suggestion…go get a part time job. Go do something that you LOVE doing. Take that money and use it for yourself….maybe use it for a therapist or coach. Or maybe start contributing to the bills and helping out that way, instead of relying on him to take care of your. Start to take care of yourself and relieve the pressure he is feeling. This is such a great way for you to start to create your own piece of your day that doesn’t involve him.
I definitely suggest to NOT go into business with him. He would not be a good business partner for you. He does not move through life in the same way you do and that absolutely will create problems in your business. Besides, you are wanting to create a different pattern with him where you are less reliant on him, so going into business together is the OPPOSITE of what would be healthy considering the dynamics you are both trying to figure out how to navigate.
You are angry at HIM for not being supportive, but remember…you cannot ask for something from someone else that you are not doing for yourself. You want HIM to support you and help you? What are YOU doing to support yourself? Where are YOU meeting your own needs. Money is tight? Well…go get a job. He wants to spend a lot of time at hockey? Well…that’s the perfect time for you to have some “me” time and go find things that you love – just like he is doing. You want to feel more connected and supported in your life? Go make some friends, get a dog, go volunteer somewhere and find that connection for yourself. YOU SOURCE YOURSELF.
He wasn’t happy when he found out and made a comment that I “quit another job”. I know you felt he was supportive of your choice at the time, but then he responded like this. What is important to understand about your guy is that he is not very honest with his feelings. You are seeing his coping strategies. This comment is EXACTLY the same as him one day all of a sudden pulling away from you and needing space. Like I previously said, I have no doubt he was feeling the need for space for many, many days and he just finally reached a limit and “burst.” He just couldn’t do it anymore so he “all of a sudden” disconnected. He never communicated his HONEST feelings with you. Now, he makes this comment which contradicts his previous support. He was not honest about how he felt. So this guy is showing you that he is not strong enough to be authentic with you. He is hiding his true feelings, most likely because he is afraid of hurting you. This coping mechanism is typically created as a child where the parent punishes the child in some form or fashion, for having opinions, thoughts, feelings that counter to their own. The child then learns that it’s not safe to be honest and authentic. Does this make sense?
Again, I was hurt by no support. I get triggered very easily when I don’t get support because my oldest sister never supported me. All I ever got from her was lectures. I don’t know how to handle this hurt. Of course you get triggered easily, but remember…your triggers are YOURS to deal with, not his. Taking ownership of your 13 year old and the life she had to live feeling very alone is for YOU to deal with and not for your boyfriend to fix for you by behaving in the way you want.
How to handle all of this? Well, I’ve given you places to start. You need to start to fill your life up with YOUR activities, NOT HIS. Make friends, join groups, go to movies (I go by myself all the time), make a weekly date with yourself….I LOVE to go to the same coffee shop, get to know the baristas and other locals so it feels good to go there and read my novel. I sooooo look forward to doing that!
As far as the rest of it goes, your triggers, your anxiety, your anger….your wounds are coming to the surface now and you cannot escape them. He will keep triggering you over and over and over again and this is why you need an expert to help you navigate it. I know that can be expensive and I know money is tight right now. So get a job and pay for it. If he is willing to cover everything else, then it’s a worthy investment of your time and money to set yourself up for success. You can also join a group and follow a program. Here is one that I know about. I really like Dr. Nicole. She puts out a ton of good content and I know she has a program you can join for your self healing journey. https://theholisticpsychologist.com/. This can at least get you started in the direction you are wanting.
Heidi
Hi Lynda!
I totally get it! You are trying to find an evening where you both just get to connect, make memories, and nourish the connection. And I understand the anger you are having.
First, it’s important to understand that although you feel angry, it actually needs to be more directed towards your parents. That anger you are feeling is from that 13 year old little girl whose life got uprooted in a matter of seconds WITHOUT warning!!! That is awful!! That little girl did not feel like she mattered. Currently, you are feeling like you don’t matter. Do you see the connection? Our lovers are able to trigger the unresolved wounds in us like nobody else…because they are closer to the heart. Your guy is behaving in a way that triggers the “I don’t matter” belief that you have been carrying around since you were young. Does this make sense?
I’m glad things are improving. I want you to focus on that aspect and NOT the date night. This is completely an educated guess, but I’m thinking that he went MONTHS needing more space from you but never said anything until recently. It’s going to take some time for him to re-orient. Meaning…he still needs more space. My guess is, date night once per week is still too much for him. So how about saying something like this, “I’ve been wanting a date night once per week and it seems like it might feel like it interrupts your life too much now. So how about we aim for once per month? Does that feel more doable for you?”
I want to go back to what I previously mentioned. You are around soooooo much that he has no room to even miss you. I guarantee you, if you start doing your own things, spending more time with friends, going to activities that do not include him, he will start to feel that space from you and start to miss you. It’s a very different feeling for you to be giving him space for him to go do his stuff vs. giving him space by YOU going and doing things yourself and creating a life separate than him. If he comes home and you are not there because you are out with friends or doing an activity, THAT is true space. Do you understand the difference?
Be patient. This is going to take quite a bit of time for BOTH of you. When you find him not excited or not motivated, do not take it personally. I absolutely know this is much easier said than done. You are soooooo used to be enmeshed with your man that you don’t know who you are separate than him. Your current guy joined you in that pattern, but it became overwhelming to him. There absolutely is such as a thing as too much of a good thing. It’s VERY normal and healthy for BOTH men and women to have separate lives, to have a sense of privacy and independence, to have places and things they do without each other. It’s actually an important quality of healthy relationships. This is a very new idea for you, so the “space” you are taking is VERY hard for you and very personal. It’s making you feel not wanted, not important, not valuable and whatever else your mind can come up with, but it’s simply not true. It’s activating your low self-esteem in a big way. If you had a stable, loving, connective, healthy childhood, you would not interpret his need for space as him not valuing you. You would respect it, understand it, and also require that for yourself.
This is where a coach or therapist would be able to help you out. It’s important to really connect with your wounded self that is getting triggered by his “inaction” and taking it personally. The truth is, he would be like this with ANY woman.
So your job is to take ownership of your reaction and not put this on him. You put it where it deserves, which is on your parents for handling their situation in such a poor harmful way. You put it on your parents for not setting you up for success. You put it on your parents for not helping you establish a solid, strong sense of who you are and your value. They left a big, gaping hole in your heart and the only thing you know how to do to fill it, is with a man. Well, now you are with a man who is NOT wanting to do that for you and that’s a good thing, because that hole needs to be filled by you. That means working through your anger, healing, forgiving, releasing the past etc. It’s a journey and NOT easy, but one worth taking without a doubt.
So I suggest NOT to talk to your guy. Instead, find out where he is willing to meet you. Aim for once per month. And maybe, don’t even PLAN it, but instead, spring it on him and say let’s go out on a fun date this week – but only ask him to do that once per month. The rest of the month, make sure you are creating activities for yourself that keep you busy and less available to him. This, in and of itself, can absolutely change the dynamics. You WANT your guy to miss you, so you have to be absent for him to get to feel that. He NEEDS to feel that, because that is what he missing right now. How is ever going to miss you when you are there all the time?
Does this help?
Heidi
I just would like to ask why I am so different than my boyfriend? He also married around 20 or 21. Is it because I am female, or because his ex-wife was different than me? It’s both. Men and women are sooooo different when it comes to love and romance. Men are much more oriented to producing and doing in this world whereas women are much more oriented to relationship. It’s part of why the roles of the man being the provider and the woman being the caretaker have existed for centuries. More than that, his life has been completely different than yours. He absolutely will have stunted his emotional growth if he got married at that early age, but it just expresses itself in a different way than yours.
Do you have any suggestions on how to start to own my visions? This one I don’t fully understand. What kind of life do you want to live? What do you want for yourself? What kinds of activities do you want to do in your life? Do not attach it to any person. Do not attach it to love. Just you…that is all you have to think about.
My question – is there a possibility that someday he will trust in the fact that I won’t leave? This is not a fact. You cannot promise that you won’t leave. Like I said, no one can ever promise that. Many things can happen in life that change how people feel. Are you telling me that if he continues to become more intensely rude and unkind and mean during his “time of the month” towards others and towards you, you are going to continue to allow yourself to be treated that way? What if he starts to call you names and starts to increasingly criticize you? Are you telling me you are going to stay around for that? What if he isn’t willing to work on things and change? Are you going to just stay with in a relationship where you are not thriving and feel safe? My point is, he shouldn’t trust that you will not leave and nor should you. He could absolutely decide to leave and considering how he handled this last situation where one day he all of a sudden changed how he connected with you…he could do the same thing again where he lets something fester and fester and you will have no idea and then all of a sudden he tells he is leaving. He has already shown you he has the ability to do that, so he can and most likely will do it again. So I bring you back to this…relationships and love are a DAY BY DAY choice and offer no guarantees. Not you, not him, not one single person on the face of this earth can promise forever.
Beyond that, the only way he will be able to trust, is to face his hurt from the past. The pain from his past acts as a barrier to intimacy. He would have to face that pain. He would have to let it go in order to open his heart to deeply connecting again. He most likely will not do something like that, so you have to accept that it’s just going to be part of who he is. We all have baggage we bring into relationships, so we have to decide if that baggage they are carrying is something we are able to accept. This is what I call the non-negotiable list. These are the qualities that you REQUIRE in a relationship and are non negotiable. For example, I HAVE TO HAVE a guy who is active. I love to hike, go on walks and be outside as much as possible. I will not work well with a guy who doesn’t love to do the same activities. I HAVE TO HAVE a guy who is emotionally intelligent. I will be soooo bored with a guy who doesn’t know himself very well. It’s NOT about what you want, it’s about what you cannot live without. Meaning…if certain things are missing from the relationship, you will not be okay.
One of the most important non-negotiables is how someone treats you in their worst moments. When things are great, it’s easy and safe, but when things are not so good, how people treat each other is what will make or break the relationship. Studies have shown this over and over and over. It’s in our worst moments where trust is built or broken. So, it needs to be part of the non negotiable list. For me, if someone is critical, blocks me, judgmental, blaming, or anything less than respectful, no matter how amazing he is, I will not stay connected. I treat people with respect, even in my most stressful, hurt times and I expect the same treatment. I will not feel safe in anything less than that. That’s my standard. So you have to decide if his disrespectful and unkind nature when he is stressed, is something you can accept. If you keep telling him not to treat you or people like that, that is you not accepting that this is part of the package. All that will happen is the same cycle over and over again. He will continue to be mean and you will continue to nag him about it. That’s not healthy. He deserves to be accepted for everything he is and so do you. If he wants to change that part of himself, then he will when he is ready. The reality is, he doesn’t care enough to do anything about it. He wants to just play it off as his “time of the month” and then do nothing about it. He doesn’t care how he affects you or anyone else. Someone who truly cares takes action and actively wants to shift their behaviors. That is not what is happening here. So…he is who he is. You have to choose to be with him AS HE IS.
I guess to me, going to hockey was something we did together. He was excited I was there. I was there to support him, and I enjoy watching him. I still get butterflies. How about you find other things you can do together and let hockey be just for him. If he wants to invite you, then he will. Otherwise, let it be his guy time. Then you can plan other fun activities to do together that involve both of you instead of you just watching him. What ideas do you have?
I wish I was better at how you put it – telling him my feelings without him feeling attacked. Sometimes, no matter what you say or how you say it, a person will feel attacked. People like this carry quite a bit anger inside. I’m guessing he might be one of these people, considering how unkind he can be when he is moody. You can do your best, but he still might react no matter what.
My biggest thing is dealing with my issues. I know I have to get through it to become a better me. I have been working on it for years. It gets better, then takes a step back. I was doing good until recently. I love that you want to focus on yourself. That’s the best place you can start! I will tell you that is sounds like you have more layers you have not worked through if this pattern is still affecting you this strongly. So it’s good you want to dive deeper and work on it. I will email you her contact information.
Heidi
Okay…you got married at 20. This makes more sense as to why you function in relationships like you do. The 20s decade is a HUGE time for personal development. It’s the first decade of entering into adulthood where you get to make your own decisions, pay your own bills, decide where to live and who to live with, decide what you want to look like and be like, start your career and the list goes on. Our brains don’t even fully develop until around 22 or 23. So when 2 people decide to get married as young as you both did, you end up developing your identity TOGETHER. So your identity develops through the lens of another man and vice versa, instead of developing your identity all on your own. Everything you decided to be in the world, had to be shaped WITH a husband, so you developed NOT knowing who you were just by yourself. This is the danger of getting married so young. There is no separate identity. It’s 100% “we” because that was the design of your life. I dated a lot and had a few boyfriends in my 20s, but because I was not attached to anyone by living together, designing and entire life together, I was able to develop the “I”. My needs, my wants, my passions, how I wanted to live my life…all these things that we learn about who we are in the 20s. So…you skipped those developmental years…and because of that, you view relationship through a VERY young lens. Whatever developmental phases we skip, due to life circumstances, that part of ourself that didn’t grow up, ends up influencing how we think and move through life, but from that childlike viewpoint, not an adult viewpoint…because that part of us that didn’t develop, stays stuck at that age. So because you didn’t develop your identity in your 20s on your own (you developed your identity with your husband), you now view relationship in the way you developed your identity at that age…you view relationship as a “we” and you want to spend all day every day and support EVERYTHING he wants and expect the same in return. This is a young viewpoint. This is your 20s viewpoint that didn’t know who she was separate than a man. Hopefully I am making sense here.
I have always thought little of myself and had low self-esteem. My boyfriend is the only one in my life who ever made me feel so wanted, beautiful, important. He helped tremendously with that. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that he has given you these kinds of experiences. It’s helpful to have someone hold a vision for us, that we are not able to have about ourselves, BUT it becomes damaging when we don’t actually start to own that vision for ourselves and instead continue to rely on the other person to keep the vision alive and going well. As you are experiencing now, he is not sustaining what he started and it’s causing you to fall apart, because HE was the one who kept sourcing the vision for you, instead of you starting to own it. Does this make sense?
I want help with why it bothers me so much that he’s ok with talking to his friend all day, everyday, but yet that would be too much time if it was with me. This one is quite simple. It’s his FRIEND. It’s a man. A man has not cheated on him, left him several times, broken his heart…a woman has. It’s a completely different type of relationship and obviously, they vibe really well together. They have the same rhythm, they move through life in similar ways, and that’s why they can connect so frequently. There is a safety there. They have the same expectations of each other. You on the other hand, require romance, want to be with him all the time, expect him to treat you in certain ways, and have needs that he doesn’t have to think about with his best friend. You are trying to compete with his best friend when it’s a COMPLETELY different relationship. It’s like comparing apples to oranges. They are fruits, but COMPLETELY different compositions and flavors. So it’s important for you stop comparing how he relates to his friend to how he relates to you. Remember that he doesn’t trust women. They have cheated and broken his heart and left him every single time he tried to love again. He figures you will do the same and it doesn’t matter how much you tell him that you won’t leave and you “work through things,” you cannot promise you will stay forever. No one can. The reality of love and relationships is that anyone can leave at any given time for whatever reasons they deem necessary. So…it is a risk to love and there is no way around that and he obviously is going to have less trust because of his past experiences. Does this make sense?
I am trying to be ok with not going to hockey. Let’s talk about this. What does it mean to you to NOT go to hockey? What do you think will happen if you don’t go?
I have told my boyfriend this during one conversation and I have told him I deserve to be treated better. Just some communication tips…saying “I deserve” can be a triggering thing for anyone when they are being confronted. I can come across as demanding and can easily activate walls in someone else. The goal when communicating your needs, is to say things in a way that keeps the other person open with walls down. That can be very challenging and is definitely a skill. So instead of saying “I deserve” you want to approach it in a different way that makes the man feel like you are not pointing the finger at him. Here is a way you can approach this: “When you do _______ I end up feeling like _______”. So for example, you could say “Do you know that when you give me a compliment, it makes my stomach have butterflies and I feel like I’m in junior high again. It feels amazing! I really miss that side of you.” or “When you compliment me, it makes me feel wanted. When you shifted and started to pull back, I felt like I wasn’t wanted anymore. I know that is NOT how you want me to feel. You are an incredibly thoughtful and caring man. I do get triggered because of my past experiences, so I know that is playing a part here. You obviously get to be you, but I do want to teach you that you offering me compliments is really powerful and healing for me.” Do you see how this feels different than “I deserve to be treated better.”
And the last thing I want to say about that is that while you believe you deserve to be treated better by him, it doesn’t sound like you treat yourself any better than how he treats you. You said you think so little of yourself, so I imagine you have the critical and judgmental voice inside. So this brings me to a cardinal rule…never ask for something from someone else that you are not giving to yourself. So asking for him to treat you better all the while you are not treating yourself like gold, means HE becomes your everything because you aren’t doing the inner work for yourself. He becomes your strength and the source of your self esteem instead of you being your own source. This means, he fills the holes FOR you and that always breaks intimacy, safety, and connection at some point. It is a design that never works and if somehow 2 people DO stay together with that design, which of course is very possible, they are not in a thriving, happy relationship.
My belief was always that when you are in a serious, committed relationship there is no more I and me…it’s us and we. You can have independence but not a separate life anymore. Is that wrong? I’m curious, where did this belief come from? It’s not “wrong” it’s just half of the picture. There is definitely an “us” and “we” AND there is “I” and “me.” For example, making BIG money decisions usually involves BOTH people. Making smaller money decisions like buying clothes or gifts, or grabbing dinner to go can absolutely be and “I” type of thing. For example, I know of a couple who agrees to split all the major bills, but everything else, even the cars they choose to buy, they each buy themselves with their own money that they earn. So it’s a “we” AND and “I” kind of design.
Let me explain it this way. Relationships are 3 parts. 1. You 2. Him 3. the relationship. All 3 parts NEED to be honored and paid attention to. All 3 parts need to work in order to have a relationship that sustains. I myself have experienced this and have coached many people through the same thing where they liked the other person but they didn’t actually like the relationship. It’s sooooo important to truly love the relationship and what you both bring out in each other in order to have the relationship last. The relationship part is the “we” part. AND it does not negate that there is also the “I” that exists for him and the “I” that exists for you. The “I” mostly exists when you are apart from each other. This is a VERY important part of a relationship…the “I” that lives separate from the “we.” For example, I love going to the dog park every morning at first light. It is a very important part of my day. I actually love just going by myself and I don’t want anyone else there with me. It’s the time I get to spend with my dogs, walking in nature, being playful with them and they get 100% of my attention because I don’t have anyone with me that I have to talk to or connect with. That time with my dogs is so important so that’s an “I” thing. But a “we” thing can be hikes with the dogs together on the weekend. So I have a life that exists JUST FOR ME out of the relationship because I spend a lot of my day doing my business, working, and doing my life…then when we come together, it becomes “we.” Is this making sense?
When it comes to needs, BOTH needs are important in the “I” but to work together means understanding the “I” part for each person and then TOGETHER come up with ways to meet each other’s needs for the “we” part. Does this expand your viewpoint a bit?
How do I go about dropping the pressure for him and finding out what his mold is? You drop the pressure by realizing that your mold is just YOUR mold…not his. You keep trying to make him fit into what YOU think your connection should look like, that you end up smothering HIS mold. So it’s first understanding that your mold is your viewpoint while also understanding that his mold is his viewpoint. So the goal is to look at each other’s molds and figure out how to create a new mold that contains BOTH his version and your version. Those are the 3 parts of a relationship. 1. Your mold 2. His mold 3. The relationship mold created by both yours and his mold. And these molds will ALWAYS be changing and shifting. Growth happens, life happens, people are always changing in some way or another, so the molds are going to change as well. And that where good communication comes in…making sure you both are being honest about what’s working, what’s not working anymore and then how to shift the mold a bit so it can fit the changes. The most important part is to understand that your mold and his mold, although different and many times might be contradictory….neither person is right or wrong. How do you learn what his mold is? Simple. Just ask him. “What does your ideal relationship look like?” “If you could create the perfect relationship to match exactly what you wanted, what would that look like?” And DO NOT get upset with whatever his answer is. It might be sexist, it might not be as romantic as you imagine, it might not be close to what you imagine. Who knows. Whatever his answer is, keep asking questions about it until you understand why his mold is what it is.
I also suggest to start creating a life separate than him. You love singing, yes? So make that YOUR thing instead of wanting him to be there. He can be there for performances of course, but other than that…it’s JUST YOURS. It’s your “I/ME” time. Are there any other hobbies you like to do? Just because you don’t have a car right now, doesn’t mean you are stuck or trapped at home. Go for a long walk, maybe volunteer at an animal shelter and see if someone there could pick you up and drop you home…or take an Uber. Maybe take an art class, learn ballroom dancing, take a language class, go audit a college course…there are so many things you could do with your time, so start filling it up with things besides him. This will absolutely take the pressure off of him AND it will help him miss you. Don’t you want him to miss you??? How can he ever miss you or feel the absence of you if you are always there?? He NEEDS to feel the absence of you, so he can appreciate when you are there. Have you ever thought about traveling? Go somewhere for a weekend and take a tour. One of the most amazing relationships I knew of – very vibrant, connective, and they were soooo in love…they actually lived in 2 different states for 12 years. They visited each other often, but they filled up their days with their own lives, so when they came together, it was always fresh and new. They missed each other a lot which is always great for the sex life, and they made it work. Separation is HEALTHY and NEEDED for a relationships to work. So create separation. Pay attention to that 20 year old who never got to develop her identity all on her own. What would she want to do with her time?
Thoughts?
Also, I know of an INCREDIBLE coach who can help you address your fears. Her methods work quite fast (if you are willing to do the work of course). That moment of being picked up from school and finding out your entire life changed, can absolutely be healed to where it has no affect on you anymore. If you are interested, let me know and I will send you her contact information.
Heidi
Hi Lynda,
Welcome! We are so glad you are here. Hopefully we can bring some insight and clarity into your situation that will help you both navigate this in a better way to set you up for success. So let’s dive in.
First, how you view relationship is beautiful and how you want to connect with a man is truly wonderful. AND…it’s not how men view relationship (generally speaking). So let’s see if I can help bring you closer to how men tend to operate, because your challenge is, you’ve only been with 1 man your entire life, so your understanding of how men operate is going to be limited.
My first question is, how old were you and your late husband when you met and started dating?
Second, moving in with a your current boyfriend after 4 months is a pretty fast paced decision. I’m wondering what the rush was. It’s always best to wait until the honeymoon phase is over to make decisions like that, so you can actually start to learn and see who that person really, without the “rose colored” glasses.
First, I really want to address this thinking and this need of yours: I also need to feel important like I matter, like he wants to have a future with me. . Yes, we ALL (it’s a human need, not just a woman’s needs) want to feel important and like we matter. I’d like to explore this further with you though, because the way you are talking about it, it sounds like there could be some wounding patterns in your system that are distorting how you are viewing this. I’m going to address this in 2 parts.
1. The reason why I am saying it sounds like you have some wounding patterns in this need of yours, is because you are expecting and requiring from him that HE makes you feel valued and important. First and foremost, this need is for YOU to meet yourself. Because he is human, there are going to be MANY times he will not make you feel as valued or as important as you want, so WHEN that happens, you need to have the skillset and relationship with YOURSELF that says “I AM valuable, lovable, worth fighting for, worth knowing….whether or not he thinks so right now.” Instead, when he doesn’t give you the attention and affection you want, it causes you to lose yourself. You withdraw, you stop being yourself (not playing the music you want), and you start to feel disconnected from him. So in essence, you are relying on HIM to make you feel valued and if he doesn’t then you don’t feel valued. That is basically saying “YOU are the one who holds my value. YOU are the one that tells me whether or not I’m worth it.” That is you giving away your power. That is you putting your worth and value in the hands of someone else and that ALWAYS sabotages connection at some point. Why? Because is it absolutely guaranteed that the other person is going to fail at that. They will hurt you, disappoint you, abandon you, betray you….we are all human and mess up in various ways, right? So WHEN that happens…WHEN the relationship faces it challenges, it gets exponentially more difficult when you wait for him to behave in certain ways to know that you are valuable. Does this make sense?
This is a SUPER hard question to work with, but it’s an important one. I ask this to all my clients whenever they are facing hurt or challenge with someone. And I ask this question, because it teaches you how to take care of yourself when the other person is not helping you. What is it that you are wanting him to do for you, that you are not doing for yourself? So from what you are saying, you are wanting him to make you feel more valuable. Well…what are you doing for yourself, to make yourself feel more valuable, loved, and connected with? This question is about your relationship with yourself. How YOU treat yourself. How YOU respect yourself. How YOU love yourself. How YOU value yourself. How do you meet your own needs when he can’t or won’t meet them for you??
This is a super layered topic and I’m just touching on the surface of it. I want to make sure you are tracking so far, so let me know your thoughts on this.
2. You have this checklist so you know you are important to him. This is dangerous. You are thinking that support means him showing up to your singing lessons, him being more romantic, him giving you more compliments, him touching you more. You are thinking through YOUR perspective about what deep intimate connection is, but YOUR perspective first of all, is a female perspective and that is just not how most men WANT to connect. Second, it doesn’t allow him room to be inspired, but instead makes him feel like he has to behave and do and be YOU want him to be in order to feel happy. Love languages and attachment styles are just 1 box to understand how people connect differently, but there sooooooo many more layers beyond that. What’s important to understand here is that your perspective and view and experience of the relationship is different than yours and what YOU define as a secure relationship, is different than him. Just different. Not right or wrong on either side. Just different. So would you be willing to let go of the checklist? Would you be willing to consider that him NOT wanting you at hockey or going to your singing lessons, as time NEEDED apart and that it doesn’t mean he doesn’t value you? Would you be willing to consider that being late to your family events doesn’t mean he doesn’t value you? This is a perfect example where you can meet your own needs. Leave without him. If being on time is super important to you, then go yourself and he can meet you there when he is ready. This is you meeting your own needs instead of relying on him to be what you want so you can feel happy.
This is where I’m guessing that he is feeling the “clingy” energy. Clingy to a man means his woman is relying on HIM to make sure her world is okay and THAT is super stressful for a man. At first, it can be endearing, but then it turns into a toxic pattern and causes a man to pull away. I’m guessing that’s why he needs some space. It sounds like you both are together quite a bit and while that may feel natural and normal for you, that definitely is NOT the way most men operate. Have time apart is so very important. He needs to miss you. He needs to go have a life SEPARATE than you and vice versa. It gets VERY boring for most people to be around each other all of time. That’s why the divorce rate skyrocketed during Covid. We were not meant to be around each other all of time. So him feeling like you are wanting him to be your ENTIRE world and wanting him to make YOU his entire world, which is the flavor I am sensing when you explain everything (you want him to want the same kind of relationship you do), it’s just not going to work for him. Men typically do not want relationships like that. It’s just not how they are built.
So he is needing more than space from you. He is needing you to drop the pressure for him to fit into YOUR mold. His mold needs to exist and be just as important to you too. And that means that how he operates is going to NOT meet some of your needs…and that’s okay! You have to figure out how to meet those needs yourself.
There is so much more to talk about here, so let’s keep talking. I think this guy is actually VERY good for you. He is causing you to grow and giving you opportunities to expand your knowledge and work with your limitations. Be patient with him. Be patient with yourself.
So I backed off even though it made me feel unwanted. I don’t understand how one day he wants to spend all day with me, but the next day he was totally different. In a day he stopped touching, talking, spending time, complimenting me. How does that happen overnight? My guess is, this had been brewing for a while and then all of a sudden, he reached his limit and couldn’t take it anymore. Considering how much you rely on him for your happiness, he probably wasn’t talking to you about how he felt because he didn’t want to hurt you or disappoint you. He probably doesn’t trust that you would be able to handle his feelings and you might leave. Considering his past where every woman left him, he is absolutely going to hold back A LOT of himself because of his fear of being hurt. So although it looks like an overnight occurrence, it actually was something he was dealing with for a while.
I’m glad it finally came out though! It’s important for you to know that how you function in relationship is NOT how he functions, so now you both can start to put your cards on the table and figure out the combination that works best.
Here is a podcast you might want to listen to. It definitely will challenge much of how you think about romance, relationships etc. I’m guessing you will disagree with a lot of what this guy says, and that’s okay. I think it will be a good listen for you, because it will absolutely educate you on how most men experience women and vice versa. He talks a lot about our differences and offers a lot of really great ideas. I don’t agree with some of what he says, but absolutely see his point on everything and appreciate his views….which I absolutely respect because he has a TON of experience!!!! I definitely think he will validate a lot of your boyfriend is doing and why and he offers ways to work with it.
Also, here is a great resource for everything relationships. There are a TON of amazing tips here and I love their information!
I’m glad you are here Lynda! Let’s keep talking about all of this. Feel free to push back and question anything I am saying. My goal is for you to learn, grow and expand, so it’s important that what I’m sharing makes sense. If it doesn’t, then let me know! It’s hard on this kind of platform to type out very complicated and dynamic concepts that involve love.
Heidi
Hi Miroslavna,
I’m glad you are willing to accept the reality of the situation. I know how hard that is. It takes a lot of courage to face letting go of the fantasy that has kept you company for so long.
I believe he is not romantically interested in me. While this may be true, you actually do not know why. What I want you to avoid is blaming yourself. You mentioned making 5 of the 7 mistakes with him, remember that he has made a lot of mistakes with you too. A relationship that works is one where the connection is stronger than those mistakes. We ALL make mistakes all of the time. And while you may have made 5 big mistakes with him that supposedly “pushed him away” (I’m assuming that’s what the book says), it NEVER is that simple. I have been coaching in the this industry for over 2 decades and there is no such thing as a specific formula to get anyone to like you, because each connection is super unique. I have seen women make TERRIBLE mistakes, yet the man still fight for them. I have seen INCREDIBLE women who are very good at relationship, be rejected many times.
What I want to encourage you to do, is instead of looking at the “mistakes” you made and blaming yourself for him not liking you, how about studying the components of what it takes to make a relationship work? Relationships are 3 components: 1. You 2. Him 3. The relationship. You can have 2 great people but a terrible relationship. I had a relationship once where I really loved the man, but I didn’t love our relationship. Our connection was just not healthy, regardless of how much we loved each other. So what I love to study is the 3rd component, the relationship itself and what makes it work and last, and then I reverse engineer it.
For example, a sustainable relationship requires that BOTH people take responsibility for their actions and they do not operate from a victim / blaming / shaming mentality. So then I look at myself. Do I operate that way? How do I think and behave when I am stressed or hurt?
By understanding what a healthy relationship requires, you can then look at yourself. What qualities do you have that support a healthy relationship and what qualities are you not so strong in that support a healthy relationship. And then I apply it to the guy. I ask those same exact questions and see if he even has the ability to offer me a healthy, sustainable relationship. Because no matter how much I might be attracted to the guy (that’s just chemistry), it doesn’t mean he has what it takes to offer me what I need. So I’m always asking “can he do the job?” I’m always asking myself that as well. And that’s just the place to start.
This is a GREAT place to study relationships. They have the BEST information that is so helpful! It’s the place to start to help you understand what standards you need to have in place both for yourself and for him, if you are going to have a successful, nourishing, long term kind of love. https://www.gottman.com
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Miroslavna! Oh my goodness, thank you for your appreciation and love! I absolutely would take that hug! You warmed my heart and made my day! Thank you so much!
Let’s talk about this in more detail. Thank you for sharing more, as it’s helpful.
But I do have social insecurities We ALL have insecurities. There is not a person alive who doesn’t have insecurities and low self-esteem in some area of their life. It’s normal, it’s human, and something that is 100% okay and lovable. So what that you have social insecurities. You are a strong, resilient woman as well. So any insecurities you have, remind yourself of your high self esteem as well. You absolutely can be love for ALL that you are.
He told me I was the only person he ever had such verbal clashes with, and it felt like a heavy weight for him This is interesting. It sounds like he doesn’t trust that you can handle him….maybe he feels like you have a fragility that he is not sure he wants to deal with. Do you feel like this could be true? What is the “weight” exactly? Does he feel responsible for how you feel or something like that?
I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t let his words affect me, like when he says “be brief” or something similar. It’s not about him; it’s about me, because I’m kind, and Spanish isn’t my native language I love the promise, but it’s not realistic. What IS realistic is that you can get better, but moments are just going to happen. I am an expert communicator and I still have moments where my communication falls apart, is ineffective, and more harmful than helpful. Oh well! It just happens and I deal with it when it happens. You are doing the best you know how. Have compassion and kindness towards yourself.
Yesterday, I felt like we’re getting closer, like if I could manage my emotional swings and imagination better, and if neither of us met anyone else in the coming months, maybe things between us could change. First and foremost, it is INCREDIBLY important that your person, the love of your life, accepts you for EXACTLY who you are. You are trying to find ways to change yourself so that maybe you could fit into his life and that is VERY dangerous. If he does not have the ability to love and accept you JUST AS YOU ARE…then he is not a good match for you. You would end up spending your entire relationship trying to be the “perfect” match for him, all the while betraying yourself…not allowing yourself to be human and make mistakes, and have emotional swings…that is a recipe for disaster. A relationship will 100% fall apart at some point if you approach it that way. The way you are talking, it seems you view him as better than you…that YOU have to change in order to catch his attention…like he is on a pedestal…DANGER!!! He has A LOT of things no pretty about him either. Why don’t you tell me about some of his shortcomings. What kinds of things are challenging about him? What kinds of insecurities does he have?
He’s not the kind of man you can give an ultimatum to—he would close off completely. What I said is NOT an ultimatum. It’s honoring and protecting your heart. You want something he is not willing to offer. He cannot give you what you want, so it’s instead respecting the space he is in and that’s it’s different than you. You both are on different pages in the romance department and that is tough. So the time apart is about YOU letting go of the fantasy you have about him and getting onto the same page as him. It’s not ending the friendship, it’s just changing it and turning it into something that is more appropriate for “friends.” You both are spending waaaaay too much time together for it to be “just friends.” You both are way too emotionally intimate for there to be just a friendship. Your connection absolutely will get in the way of any other person coming into the picture and like I said before, WHEN someone does enter the picture, it’s going shatter your world…and it will shatter his world as well if a guy comes into the picture.
But maybe the magic of making him happy could, at some point, surpass his past. He told me months ago that he’s attracted to me as a woman but holds back to avoid hurting me. This is something to really pay attention to. The reality is, he is going to hurt you and you are going to hurt him. There is no way around that. We are human. So if he were sitting in front me, I would explore how much of his fear has to do with his past vs. how much has to do with your emotional ups and downs and reactions to what he says sometimes. In the end though, there is a fragility he has that he is afraid to hurt you. He is avoiding intimacy because that fear is bigger than his desire for connection. If he were to really look at this relationship, he has hurt you already, yes? And you are okay, yes? The friendship is still strong and secure, regardless of any hurt that has happened. So his reasoning, although it makes sense to him, is based on things that are just part of human nature and will always prevent him from letting someone close to his heart. The closer someone gets, the more they can hurt and be hurt. It sounds like he just isn’t willing to face that fear. He is afraid of hurting you, but in reality, he is afraid of himself and his imperfections. He is carrying YOUR pain as if he is responsible for it and that is also a VERY dangerous way to operate in a relationship. I’m guessing with his relationship past, he blames himself for things not working out…even with those 3 women after getting separated. So…he has A LOT of negative stories running in his mind and they are preventing him from moving forward with you. I wish there was something you could do about that, but it is CRUCIAL that he fights his own battles. HE has to make the decision to face his fears. Does this make sense?
Today, I realized that when I’m strong, everything goes well. But when I’m weak and emotionally unstable, we take steps backward. This makes sense. He is fragile and cannot handle you being “weak” or what I call “human” because he takes it personally somehow…like he is somehow seeing that he can’t make you happy sometimes and that reflects to him that he isn’t good enough. He wasn’t good enough to make his marriage work. He wasn’t good enough to keep the attention of those 3 women. He isn’t good enough to keep you from pain. IF this is what is happening for him, the best thing you can do, is shift how you work with your challenging times. For example, when I have hard times, I have VERY wise friends who are there for me, I have a coach I work with, I have techniques to manage my stress, I know myself soooo well that I understand what I am feeling and why – and if I don’t understand, I have people that can help me. Because I have all of this set up, I DO NOT need a guy to fix anything for me. I know how to work through all my stressors WITHOUT his help. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t become part of my support system, it just means that he has 100% confidence in ME that I got this. He doesn’t ever have to worry that I won’t get to other side. He doesn’t have to worry about trying to “fix” how I feel. He can just hold space for me and know that’s enough. My pain doesn’t end up scaring him, it doesn’t end up making him step away because he doesn’t know how to fix it…what he DOES feel is trust and confidence in ME that I know how to move through the hardest parts of life in a healthy way. So…I know you don’t have all of this for yourself, BUT you can begin by having stress and finding ways to support yourself WITHOUT his help. He can come over and comfort you AND you can also thank him and SHOW him that you got this. You have a plan to work through this. You believe in yourself and will get through this. Your belief in yourself is the secret sauce here. If YOU believe in you, he will follow your lead and believe in you. My guess is, this might be part of what is missing and why he pulls away when you are stressed or challenged. Do you think this might be true?
Yesterday, I saw in his eyes a desire for something he may not even fully understand yet—whether it’s a deep friendship or if something different could grow in the future. Am I fooling myself? You may be right or you may be seeing what you want to see. Who knows. Are you fooling yourself? Yes. There is an aspect here where you are living in a fantasy with him. The dates, the comfort, the connection with your children…all of it is under the fantasy of being a “couple” and your feelings grow for him each time. I say it’s a fantasy because he is not in alignment with that fantasy. At least, not yet. It’s not to say it can’t happen, but here is the thing Miroslavna…the most important thing you can do for yourself is STAY PRESENT. For today, he is not on the same page as you. And that is the ONLY information you DO have. If you keep living in the possibility of something, you are losing yourself and living for what “could be” instead of living in the present moment of what is here today. If you live for today, you make decisions based on TRUTH and not according to the fantasy you have in your heart and mind. You are not living in reality. He is not willing to be romantic with you and that’s all you know FOR TODAY. So if you FULLY and COMPLETELY accepted that, how would you connect with him differently? How would you live your life? How would your day change? It doesn’t mean something won’t change. If it does, you will deal with it in the PRESENT MOMENT. This fantasy is really occupying sooooo much of your time and energy and is keeping you company and distracting you from the reality of life. Are you willing to be strong enough to accept the reality and say goodbye to the fantasy? Would you want any of your children to spend days and months investing in someone who doesn’t feel the same? What advice would you give them? We have all had to deal with that at some point in our romantic journeys. There is so much more freedom when we are able to be present and not living in the possibility of the future. I know it’s painful to let go of the fantasy and start to accept the reality. I’ve had to deal with that many times over the years in different ways and it’s incredibly difficult to do without support.
I know that what I am saying is NOT what you want to hear. I know you want me to encourage you and tell you there is potential here and to keep fighting for him. I wish I could. The most I can tell you is that could happen or it couldn’t. Who knows. All you DO know is that today…he is not willing to go there with you. So you have to choose to either keep living in the fantasy or accept reality. Either way, you are dealing with hurt. Letting go of the fantasy definitely hurts but will get you grounded and you can heal. If you hold onto the fantasy, you are looking at major heartbreak, because the guy in the fantasy will never be as great as the reality of him, so the relationship will be more challenging than you think. And if that doesn’t happen, the relationship as it is today, is going to change into something else. So the fantasy will definitely bring you hurt in a very long term way and stop you from living your life FOR TODAY.
That is why I am suggesting to take a step back. It’s not an ultimatum, it’s just you telling him that you need to step back because you both are not on the same page and you need to be. It’s you facing reality and saying goodbye to the fantasy.
Does this make sense?? Let’s keep talking about this, because there are a lot of layers here to work through.
Heidi
Hi Miroslavna!
Welcome! You have quite the interesting story! It’s unusual actually. It’s rare for a man and woman to be friends like you have without SOMETHING eventually happening. You both are acting like a couple in every way, except for getting intimate. This is a red flag for me. What the heck is he looking for?
There are 2 possibilities here. It’s obvious he deeply cares for you as a friend.
1. He truly just doesn’t view you in a romantic way.
2. He is terrified to go deeper (with any girl). I’m not saying he is conscious about this though. Many times, there are BIG blocks to intimacy that people have no clue exist, because they don’t know themselves very well on that level.What is his past relationship history like? What is his relationship like with his parents?
The thing is…either possibility isn’t going to change. If he has a block that is preventing him from deep emotional, loving intimacy…that is a wall that HE has to face within himself and not something you can do for him. If he doesn’t have feelings for you, it’s not about you doing or being something different to catch his attention.
Honestly, if you REALLY want to test the waters and create a change in your relationship, it would mean no longer being friends and pulling back your connection. The thing is…he pretty much gets to have everything he wants…that close intimate “friendship” with you WITHOUT commitment while he gets to keep “shopping” by going on dates…and probably having sex. I know he says he doesn’t want to do that until he can find someone to commit to, but I find that VERY hard to believe. It’s typically not how guys operate. Whether it’s true what he is saying or not, the thing you have to face is that you are best friends with a guy who isn’t reciprocating your feelings. Eventually, at some point, your relationship is going to change. The design of your friendship is not sustainable. He will find someone at some point and your friendship will no longer be appropriate. His time will need to be spent with the other woman. Or you will find someone and your attention will need to be with that guy.
What I suggest, is to talk to him and say something like “Listen…you know I have feelings for you and I love the amazing friendship we have created. The thing is…it won’t last. Eventually you are going to find someone and our relationship will have to drastically change. To be honest, I’m not really up for watching you fall for another girl. I think it’s best if I really get a grip on the reality that we won’t be anything more than friends. I need to pull myself back and give myself some time….”
What this will do, is give him a BIG reality check of how important you are in his life. You will leave a big hole in his life and it’s very possible, he could decide that you are worth fighting for and it’s possible his heart will open to the possibility of romance with you. He could also not feel that way. Who knows what will happen.
What IS true is that your “friendship” is not going to last and you are heading for a HUGE heartbreak at some point when he starts to date someone else more seriously. Have you dated anyone else? Are you keeping your options open or just hoping he will have feelings for you at some point?
Heidi
Anna! I love how grounded you sound. That is fantastic! You have done some amazing work and I’m so proud of you. You are NOT being needy. You are in a space of acceptance and you are seeing how you are learning and growing, regardless of how this whole thing turns out. THAT is confidence. THAT is high self-esteem. It doesn’t mean you won’t hurt, it just means you know you will be okay no matter what. YES! YES! YES! That is you staying empowered and not relying on HIM or anyone else for your well being. You are definitely heading in the right direction. You will definitely attract a higher functioning man who will appreciate that about you…whether it’s him or someone else. Keep committing to yourself FIRST. Keep working towards clearing your feelings from the past, so you are more able to stay present. Life will become more and more easy to navigate this way, even when challenges show up.
Heidi
Hi Abby,
I’m so glad that what I shared resonated for you!
I love that you both are looking at how each of you contributed to what has shown up. That’s fantastic!
I’m curious, have you reconnected? The way you are talking “he and I are stronger than ever” sounds like something has shifted between the both of you.
Heidi
Hi Elisa,
I’m glad you feel more comfortable with how to approach the therapy session.
As far as you criticizing and consuming yourself with your child, be kind to yourself. You were doing the very best that you knew how. Now you know a different way to approach things. It’s something you will do for the rest of your life. I know soooooooo much about relationships, yet I still mess up. I still have my coping mechanisms, I still have lessons to learn. It’s a forever process you have to come to grips with. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY REASON HE HAS PULLED AWAY. I really want you to receive this as best you can. Yes, you contributed, but let’s say you did things perfectly. I guarantee you, there would have been other things to face within the relationship. He contributed as well. There were plenty of things he did and did not do that brought you both to where you are at right now. My point being, DO NOT TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY. Forgive yourself for your limitations, accept it’s just part of the process, and keep your head up as you move forward. Beating yourself up for your past or blaming and shaming yourself will keep the growth of your relationship VERY stunted and that’s not what you want. Use your limitations as a teacher and NOT as fuel for regret. That will destroy you and the relationship. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. Have compassion for yourself and be proud that you are the kind of person that is learning and asking for help. Do you know how rare that is??? Do you know how much courage that takes??? A LOT!!! I have been coaching people for over 20 years and it’s a rare person who takes action towards healing and becoming better when they realize how they were sabotaging the relationship. I have a lot of respect for you to be here asking for some help as well as being willing to work with a therapist. Good for him too! It’s a start.
I know you are so scared of losing him. I know he feels closed off. It’s okay! As closed as he is, it is absolutely possible for him to open up again. He is closed, because he doesn’t feel safe. He doesn’t feel safe with you, but even deeper than that and at the core of him, he doesn’t feels safe within himself first and foremost. He won’t see it that way because it takes a very conscious person to know that about themselves. He needs to forgive you and himself and people from his past that have caused him pain, criticized him, hurt him, and blocked him. It’s a lot of work to face that inside. It’s not easy and it definitely takes some time. I hope he is willing to forgive, because if not, then he will just become more miserable the older he gets. And if he is not willing to forgive, then that is on him and there is nothing you can do about that. Some people just have a very high need to hold onto their anger and hurt for various reasons. Maybe in time, he will be work into that space of letting go. Who knows. But that really is HIS side of things and what HE needs to face about himself. Forgiving doesn’t mean he will want to be in the relationship again, but at the very least, forgiveness will allow a more clear and authentic connection.
In the end Elisa, no matter what happens, your job is to learn, accept, forgive, grow and continue working on your dad stuff so you can become a more powerful connector with a man, as a mom, and as a friend. However relationships turn out, is how they turn out and you will never have control over the outcome. I’ve had deep friendships end in a matter of a single conversation. I’ve had family members I haven’t talked to in over 20 years. I cannot control how others respond. I can control how I feel about myself, how I treat myself, and how I connect with others. The rest is just going to be whatever it is. Each experience has many lessons for growth and that is what relationships are for. So even if this doesn’t turn out the way you want…you can heal and you can absolutely fall in love again and have a healthier, more vibrant experience. Anything is possible. So anytime you feel afraid, you remind yourself….”I am resourceful. I know how to get help. I am open and willing to grow, therefore I can heal. I will be okay, even if I lose him.”
Heidi
Hi Elisa,
Thank you for being here and sharing your story. I’m so sorry for what you both are facing as it definitely is not easy. It sounds like a very layered and complicated situation. I love that what you have read so far, has helped you understand some of what has pushed him away and how you can shift things from your side.
What’s important to understand is that it always is a 2 way street. No matter what you did or didn’t do “correctly” to push him away, him pulling away is also HIS doing as well. Make sure not to put all the blame on yourself. With everything you both have been going through, it sounds like there are MANY things that have influenced where you both are at right now.
One of the best ways you can support him and open him up to the idea of continuing to work on things is to go in with the mindset that whatever his experience and thought process is, it’s true FOR HIM and that needs to be honored, respected, and validated. Some of his thinking may or may not resonate for you as well, but it doesn’t matter. It’s HIS experience that true for him, so being curious about the depths of his experience, being understanding and honoring his choices, even though it’s not what you want…that is soooooo important!!! When a person feels like they are being accepted and respected, many times it helps them breathe easier. He may be going into the session in protective mode and feeling like he needs to defend himself, so give him a different experience of you. Instead of trying to make him do what YOU want and going into it with your agenda of fixing things, look at this experience with the only goal to get to know him better and from a different perspective. Learn more about him. Learn more about yourself. If THAT is 100% your focus, then no matter what happens – whether you end up together or not – you will have become a better partner, you have learned new ways to navigate challenges, you will have learned new relationship skills, and you will have learned more about yourself. This mindset isn’t giving up on the relationship, but instead just honoring that it’s broken and that’s okay. I love that you both are getting a 3rd person involved to help you navigate this. I hope they are helpful and effective and that you both like this person. THAT”S IMPORTANT!!! You BOTH need to feel safe and trusting with this person, so if you don’t agree, then find another person. DO NOT force this. The right person can save your marriage and the wrong person can cause you guys to end it, so whomever you are seeing is a very important piece. Just because they are a therapist and have experience DOES NOT mean they are good at what they do or that they are a good fit. So keep an open mind.
Healing a marriage is marathon, not a sprint. BE OKAY with taking things slow and making baby steps. Even if he decides to continue with separating, 6 months down the road, he may change his mind because how you relate to each has changed and is more healthy and he feels safe and trusting of the relationship.
Tell me more about how you feel you have messed things up. What exactly were you doing that pushed him away? And what changes are you wanting to make?
Heidi
Hi Abby! Thank you for sharing more details! It’s helpful.
Your deepest wounds as well as his, are VERY common. Men tend to feel like they are not enough and women tend to feel I am unlovable….they both are the same exact thing, but the nuances change because of a female perspective vs. a male perspective.
So basically, you are both feeling the same exact thing, just with a little different flavor to it.So here is the thing Abby…these core challenges are NEVER going to go away completely. They will always be there on some level. The goal is to do healing around the events from your past that fuel the stories AND develop a skillset on how to handle these triggers in a healthy way.
Most people handle their core challenges by running away or looking to the other person to change their behavior so they don’t have to feel bad. The thing is Abby, nobody will ever be able to escape these kinds of feelings. I am a pretty emotionally healthy person and I absolutely feel like I am not lovable many times. However, I know how to handle it in a productive way and in a way that keeps me connected to the truth (I am lovable) and in a way that doesn’t sabotage connection. That’s the only difference between you and me.
I don’t know a person a live who isn’t afraid of commitment on a core level. That also is just something that is going to be there. Love is scary! There is no way around that. It’s a risk ALWAYS. It’s absolutely a guarantee the person you give your heart to, is going to hurt you. You are going to hurt them. It’s part of the journey of love. It’s possible you or them decide to call it quits. It’s possible you end up lasting forever. Who the heck knows. The truth and reality about life, is all we have is this very moment. Tomorrow, you may get into a car accident and die. You may fall and end up in a wheelchair for the rest of your life. Anything can happen at any given moment, so if you make decisions from a place of fear about a future that hasn’t even happened and may never happened, then fear is controlling your life. I know you did not decide to walk away from this and that it was his decision. I’m specifically addressing your fear and how it controlled you into being critical and demanding. It’s controlling him by causing him to run away. You BOTH need to first and foremost, acknowledge the fear, and then handle it in a way that honors the fear and move through it in a respectful way TOGETHER.
I understand your are taking time apart, so I suggest that during this time, you really dig deep in understanding yourself and develop a skillset to handle your fear differently moving forward. Most men need the woman to be the role model about how to handle the relationship better. If YOU start to shift and change, it’s very possible he may follow your lead. If he doesn’t, then at the very least, you took the time to become a better partner, more connected to yourself, and more empowered for whomever you open your heart to again down the road.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi Abby,
Welcome! We are glad you are here to explore how to move through your situation in the best possible way.
I just have a few questions.
he’s got to let me go because he feels he cannot give me the love I deserve. What does this mean? It’s such a general reason, so what specifically does he feel like he cannot give you?
Upon reflection, I can see all the ways I unconsciously pushed him away and sabotage things Tell me more about this. I imagine you feel that whatever you were doing, it influenced how he feels incapable of providing you with what you need, yes? Do you know where these sabotaging patterns came from? What are you afraid of?
I’m also wondering what HIS sabotaging patterns were as well. We all have them, so what were the ways he pushed you away?
Heidi
I keep giving in because he has a confidence issue This is not about him. This is about you trying to rescue and fix him and that is NOT your job. It absolutely is NOT a healthy dynamic to build a relationship on. Each person needs to know how to take care of themselves. If he has confidence issues, it’s for HIM to fix within himself. None of us can ever fix those kind of issues for other people. It’s impossible.
at first I thought he was catfishing me It is absolutely possible that he is catfishing you. There are PLENTY of people out there that know exactly what they need to say and be like in order to keep someone hooked. It’s a game to people like that. They are VERY skilled and women are the ones that fall for it the most and easiest. I suggest you are VERY careful. You have no idea who this guy really is until you actually meet him in person and have experiences with him to know that he is actually is who he says he is. All the pictures of plane tickets etc. are super easy to photoshop. What you DO know is that he is not willing to meet you in person and that is a BIG RED FLAG!!!! Either he is catfishing you and using a lack of confidence and anxiety as his cover story….which honestly is the most likely scenario. If he is so worried about money and doesn’t feel he has enough to take care of you, then why is he supposedly spending money on plane tickets and then turning around and flying home? That is throwing money right down the drain. Honestly, that’s a VERY questionable story. If everything he says is actually true, then his lack of confidence is SO BIG that he is not available to be anyone’s partner. Relationships and love require confidence and there is no way around that. If he doesn’t even have enough confidence to meet you in person, then he will be a partner you cannot rely on. Anytime something gets hard, he will run. He will not be able to emotionally support you through stressful times. You will end up feeling VERY lonely in this relationship. So either way you spin this situation….catfishing or seriously low self-esteem, this guy is a SERIOUS project and YOU are saying to this. His life, his happiness, his confidence, is NOT YOUR JOB!!! Focus on yourself instead.
he feels bad about the way he is treating me but what if he is like me and not know the correct way to treat a woman ? This is NOT about how to treat a woman…it’s about how to treat a person! What kind of person keeps saying he is going to do something and never follows through. How many times is he going to apologize? How many times is he going to break his word? How many times is he going to betray what he says? Anybody…friend or potential lover would not appreciate being treated that way. There is no trust and when there is no trust, there is no safety and there is a very chaotic relationship full of drama. I don’t care how hard he works to get you back (if he is catfishing you, that’s part of the game they play), it’s not changing the result….he is not willing to see you. So again, the issue is with YOU saying yes to being treated this way.
how do I explain that to him that’s the problem why he doesn’t meet me in person You don’t know that this is the problem. You hardly know the guy. And IF this is true, it’s for HIM to work out in his own mind and not your job to change how he thinks and feels.
he will take the time to chase me down for 3 months he chased me finally I gave in because he seems genuinely interested and wants to work thru this for a person to do all that work to get back it’s got be worth to give him another chance right? Absolutely not. It’s been 8 times. You have given him plenty of chances. He either needs to come meet you in person or it needs to be over. How many more times is it going to take before you get the message? He doesn’t want to meet you in person bad enough. Again, he is either catfishing you or he is highly dysfunctional….is that really what you want?
I’m thinking you are more attracted to the feeling of having a guy fight so hard for you, that you choose to ignore all of the MAJOR RED FLAGS. I get it. I have been in that place before and the only way to start to heal and choose better, is to start saying NO to all those experiences where you are treated poorly. I know he has been there for you in a lot of different ways, but in the end…none of that matters if he isn’t willing to meet you in person. All you are doing is having a relationship with a guy over technology. Really? Is that really what you are willing to settle for?
Heidi
