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“But if I see something I want, I should be free to go after it…RIGHT?!” Haha. LOL. You know….I love this mindset! It takes great strength and courage to live this way. I wish it were that simple with dating. It absolutely is true, but it’s much more nuanced. Think about it this way….you want something, so definitely be free to go after it, BUT…..how you go about getting what you want will change according to who you are dealing with. You KNEW that you needed to initiate with your guy and he was very responsive. That is what worked for both of you. It will be different for someone else. So remember that as you move forward, definitely go after what you want, but be open to different ways to go about it, so you can set yourself up for success. Does that make sense?
I think the ASD is partly why I developed such a special bond with him – the only people who can truly understand what it’s like to be on the spectrum are other folks who are on the spectrum. This makes soooooo much sense! You are absolutely right. You both were able to be 100% of yourselves and that is incredibly important for any successful connection. So what that it didn’t look conventional. It sounds like your family struggles with any differences you may have. The beauty and the gift they are offering you though, is practicing to be yourself anyways, even though it goes against what they think. That is TRUE authenticity and honestly, I know very few people who are strong enough to be that…especially when dating. Your family is great practice for you!
I think addressing them and communicating my needs in the moment would be a great place to start, and if they don’t respond well, then I can sit them down and try a more serious, in-depth approach. I’ll be seeing them later today, so we’ll see how it goes… I know they love me and want to support me the best they can, so hopefully I can show them how they can do that. let me know how it goes for you! I’m sure they will do their best, but this is where you can help them become more conscious and aware.
saw something. I FELT something. Yes, it could be frustrating for me to keep initiating, but look at the end result – as you put so perfectly, we created something beautiful and nourishing. We care deeply about each other, enjoy each other’s company, and are there for each other through the good and the bad. THAT is what’s most important to me! And I miss him so much. He understands me in a way that most people simply can’t. I think that’s why this healing process has been such a difficult one. It’s hard for me to let go of something like that, but I promise I’m trying. Thank you again for providing a platform for me to air all of these things out and accelerate my healing process. I get it. Feeling something this beautiful is incredibly difficult to let go of. Of course you miss him. You want more and you want it to grow. I wish the timing were different so you both could explore the potential, but for whatever reason, the timing is off. So for now, you get to develop a different type of relationship with him. You get to strengthen your friendship, you can get to know more of his quirks, and you can both continue to support each other. One day at a time Anna.
I really really love how honest you are with yourself. I wasn’t sure how you would respond to me suggesting to change his title. But you understood and not only did you admit to it, you are even willing to give him a new title. I know how hard that is. You have strong feelings for him. I love that you are willing to stay connected to the present moment instead of living in the fantasy about him. This will help your relationship develop in a more realistic way.
Keep sharing your thoughts! Keep sharing your struggles!
Heidi
You are truly delightful to talk with! You are open, receptive and you have an internal strength that is beautiful! I love that I got to become part of your journey!
As far as being the initiator, could he possibly be on the spectrum a bit? The example you gave me made me laugh. That totally is a face palm moment! His response made me think that he is quite underdeveloped and extremely literal, which are qualities of those on the spectrum. He may be high functioning in a lot of areas, but socially is a different thing. Thoughts on this?
Either way, I can see why your family didn’t love your connection with him, but the truth is….you are the only one who truly knows what it felt like. Sure it was unbalanced, but each couple is going to have a unique version of what balance is. And since he is socially not in tune, it would make sense that you would need to initiate…cuz he just doesn’t get it – and it’s not his fault – it’s most likely just how he is built. So that means you are going to have to carry the load in that department – and as long as you are okay with that, then that’s okay! Of course it can be frustration though. That’s a normal reaction – but again, it sounds like even though you were the one to make things happen, he whole heartedly loved joining you and that’s just beautiful and nourishing!!!!
I’m wondering what he is like when he is stressed out. Do you know? If he is not very in tune, then I imagine he might have a shut down type of reaction if confronted about something, or if he feels too much stress.
Also, I’d like to make a suggestion. How about you give him a different title other than “work husband.” That title would be no big deal if you didn’t have feelings for him, but since you do, it’s a way your psyche is creating a pretty big story (a husband story) around him. It’s a round about way to call him your “husband,” which I know you have thought and fantasized about. Being that the relationship has changed, it’s important for you to really keep yourself grounded in reality. If you want to heal, if you want to eventually be open to meeting someone knew, work “husband” is a title that needs to melt away and be replaced by something else. How does this make you feel?
Let me know what you think of Marco Polo! I hope it works out!
As far as your family and approaching the conversation, it’s mostly about using your voice and allowing yourself to be heard. If something shifts in them and they get on board with what you need, then great! That means they are open to learning. If nothing changes, that’s okay too. It’s important for you to be in acceptance for whoever they are.
So one small thing you can do IN THE MOMENT, is BEFORE you say anything about your hurt, your feelings, or anything of that nature, you teach the person what you need from them. So you can say something like, “So I’d like to share something with you, but I need you to just listen. I just need you to hold space for me to feel what I need to feel and not try and change it or fix it.”
Or…you can have a deeper conversation where you sit down and explain more about what you need. What do you feel you would like to do? If you want to have a deeper more focused conversation about it, I’m happy to share how to go about it in a way that will help keep the walls down.
Heidi
Oh I LOVE that you did the whole talking it out thing and that it was cathartic for you! It’d be interesting to see how you feel in a week or so, if you do something like that every single day. Definitely keep me updated!
I know it’s weird texting him. It’s a whole new relationship. You might want to try Marco Polo. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this app. I have friends all over the country and this is how I stay in touch with them. Basically, you are leaving each other video messages. You listen and respond whenever you can and it’s fantastic because I can see their faces, I can hear their tone of voice, and many messages will last 15 -30 minutes long so I get FULL updates. And because they are talking stream of thought and no one is interrupting, I actually get quite a bit of info. from them. I usually listen to all the messages in my car and I’ll respond to them in my car as well. It feels about as personal as you can get considering the long distance. Maybe he would be willing. It def would bring you closer if that is what you both want. I will tell you that everyone struggles with it at first…talking into the camera and being on video. BUT…eventually you just get used to it. It’s free for the basic version I believe. Maybe ask if he would be willing. And I definitely would suggest it with your friends!!!
I’m glad to hear he is transitioning well and that you got an “I miss you.” That must have felt really good. Keep crying, keep letting it out, and work towards balancing the pain of loss with laughter, fun, adventures, doing something new. That will help a lot! I know this is not the same, but when my last dog passed away, it was so painful that my emotional system actually went numb. I would have moments where I could feel myself sinking into a deep pit of depression, so I helped myself by watching funny animal videos on instagram. I would scroll for a bit (sometimes much longer), but by the end, I had my head above water again. I would laugh, I would feel wonder, I would learn…I’m not a fan of scrolling social media for many reasons, but for the first handful of months after my dog passed, it was a game changer for me. You gotta find anything you can to balance out the pain with joy…whatever that may be for you. Activating your creativity is really powerful too. There is a store out here called “paint a mime” and you can go in and choose a ceramic dish to paint. They will fire it up for you when you are done and you get to go home with something you created. That’s fun! I’ve gone to a few group events where it’s wine and crafts. You show up and pick a craft you want to create from the selection they offer and sip some wine and eat some snacks. SOOOOO fun! I went solo a few times and it was great because everyone is just at a big table at the wine bar who is hosting and just chatting away.
It also can help to watch some movies that are encouraging where the main character goes through heartbreak and recovers. Something like Under the Tuscan Sun. It’s good re-programming to watch the main character heal.
Tell me more about him. I know this may not be fun to talk about, but it’s part of relationship. Tell me about his worst side. What are some red flags or limitations you noticed about him?
Heidi
I’m sorry about your family. Since you are close with them, is there a possibility you could communicate what you need differently from them? I get how frustrating it is, especially since you hold space for them when they come to you, but maybe you can begin to teach them a different way to respond that is helpful. Do you think they would be open to your needs? If yes, there are few ways we can talk about of how you can approach the conversation. Let me know!
Thank you for sharing! It truly is absolutely beautiful how you felt around him. It sounds like you really felt safe, seen, and the most like yourself and that is truly a special type of connection. I love that you got to feel that. There are many people in the world who will leave this earth never knowing what that feels like.
Have you talked with him at all since he left? If yes, how is he doing? How does the connection feel?
You are going to have many tears as you slowly say goodbye to the connection – this change is so so hard. One thing that helped me a TON when I said goodbye to someone I love very much, was writing to him and speaking to him in a recorder. I had soooooo many things I wanted to say to him. So I got a journal specifically for him. And back in the day, I bought a small recorder that I kept in my car, because I would have a lot of feelings in my car. So I wrote to him and I talked to him….I just let it aaaalllll out! I can’t tell you how helpful that was….because I didn’t want my friends to get sick of me talking about him, so I held back a lot. But when I allowed these pathways for myself…it just accelerated the peace I eventually came to. Some days I missed him like crazy and other days I was so mad at him. Up and down and up and down I went, but I let it all out. And it was fantastic and so helpful! So write letters to him, but don’t mail them. Create a voicemail that stays on your phone. Come back here and write to me and let everything out.
I also suggest to add some extra fun into your life. Think about things that bring you comfort. Maybe volunteer at an animal shelter – maybe a sweet pup will find its way into your home! One thing I have done and works wonders…when I am having a hard time, I will go buy a dozen roses and go to the grocery store and hand them out to strangers. As I give a rose to whomever I am guided to give it to, I will offer a compliment or words of encouragement. Wow! Talk about a powerful exercise in shifting your energy! It’s incredible how much love comes back your way!!!
Also, maybe it’s time to make some new friends…friends that would not shut your feelings down. Friends that are much more conscious and aware and more deeply connective with you. What are your thoughts about that?
Keep talking! Looking forward to your next message!
Heidi
Oh my goodness! You melted my heart. It’s such an honor to have been a part of your process. It’s something so personal and uncharted territory is definitely scary. I am so happy that what I shared was really helpful for you! You just made me feel like everything I have been through to get where I am today, was totally worth it!
I’m glad you liked the tree the analogy! I learned of it many years ago and it’s just always stuck because it makes so much sense. I have loved a handful of times in my life and I will always cherish those branches that are silent. I love them in a different way than being “in love” like I used to. It really is fascinating how love can shift and change. Because I gotta tell ya, some heartbreaks I have been through, never felt like the love was ever dissipate…..but it has every time and what’s beautiful about it, is it just happens naturally…if you are just willing to go with the flow. If you do things to keep nourishing that branch, the love will stay alive….even if it’s a trickle….at least on your end. That’s always the hardest part about endings…letting go completely and allowing that branch to become whatever it needs to be all on its own, without any “food” to keep it alive. It’s the quickest and healthiest path to healing….although the hardest sometimes.
I make no qualms about being a more sensitive person, so I do not deal with heartache the same way they do. This seems like a good opportunity for me to strengthen my relationship with myself and not rely on where others believe I “should” be. I love this! You are strong enough to be exactly who you are, in the face of others who think you should be something different. That’s a growth spurt in and of itself! People LOVE LOVE LOVE to say “get over it” but what they are REALLY saying is “hurry up and stop hurting so I don’t have to see or feel your pain, because I CAN’T HANDLE IT.” People are sooooo so uncomfortable with other people’s pain, because they have no clue how to deal with their own. Most people just shove their feelings down, box it up and put layers and layers upon duct tape to keep it shut. Little do they know their buried pain still affects them….every single day. They just don’t know it. And this is a prime example…instead of having compassion for how you are feeling and instead of just holding space for you to feel how you need to feel right now, they try to box up your feelings too. It’s a pretty common reaction, because very few people know how to deal with their hurt. Honestly, it needs to be taught in our classrooms, cuz parents sure are not doing a good job of it! Anyways, the ones that are saying that to you, honor who they need to be and just remember that they are not good listeners. Find other places to vent or process….like here. Feel free to use our conversation like a journal. Let all your thoughts and feelings come out and be expressed. That is soooooo so important. Feelings need to MOVE. Meaning, they need to come OUT of you…whether journaling, or painting, or talking to someone, or using a recorder in your car and talking into it, or dancing your feelings, or meditating on them….give them life SOMEWHERE whenever they are grabbing your attention. Honor them by allowing them to be expressed in whatever way inspires you. If you do this, you will process MUCH faster. Don’t be one of those people who buries them and hides from them. You will pay a price for that!
I have a million more ideas for you, so let me know if you want more guidance. I’m here for you.
How about you write me back and tell me what you are going to miss most about him. Tell me why you loved him. Tell me what makes him so special for you. Tell me what being connected felt like to you.
Heidi
Hi Anna! It is so great to hear from you!!!
Thank you for the update and sharing everything that happened. What a great story! I love love love the flirty moment you described. Fantastic! Well done! And it sounds like it had the desired affect. I’m guessing he just needed a little encouragement from you to open up a little more on the romantic side.
And I understand your heartbreak that he is gone now. Of course you deeply miss him. And I’m sure he feels the same. The connection sounds like it was quite nourishing!
is it normal to feel all of these things? What is “normal” anyways??? You feel what you feel and that’s 100% okay, even if it doesn’t make sense. I cannot tell you how many times me or other people have had reactions and feelings that were soooooooo far out of left field and didn’t make any sense. What I have learned and what I implicitly trust…is that whatever someone is feeling, there are reasons for it…many times far beyond than what we can see or connect with sometimes. So instead of asking if it’s normal, you want to instead just embrace who you are. Saying it’s normal or not normal is not going to change how you feel. Embracing, accepting, and receiving what you feel and working with what you feel is the ONLY thing that matters. Your feelings deserve to be honored, loved, appreciated, and embraced. Your feelings are ALWAYS telling you a story about what is going on inside of you. So listen, explore, be curious, be open, and most of all…be accepting that this is who you are in the moment. That is how you heal. That is how you shift what you are feeling. That is how you “parent” yourself.
Imagine you are a mom and you pick up your little girl from kindergarten, only to find her in tears. She is hurting. What do you do as a mom?? You run up to her and hug her. You offer her comfort and then you ask her what is wrong. You ask her what happened. So she tells you that her best friend is leaving and moving somewhere else. Would you question if her tears were normal? Absolutely not! You would have instant compassion and provide her all the comfort in the world. That is what you need to do for yourself. Your heart is broken as you have had to say goodbye to someone you deeply value. Comfort yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be loving and nurturing towards yourself. I like to get a few bouquets of flowers and put them around my house. I might cook a super yummy meal. I might get a mani/pedi. I most definitely would snuggle my dog more :). I would go on long walks in nature. I would spend some extra time with friends. I would find ways to do things that make me laugh. As you are hurting and recovering from the loss, you have to find ways to put something back in as well.
it’s hard for me to comprehend that after experiencing this (I know I’m young, but it’s still hard). I know it’s hard. No matter your age, it’s hard. And that’s okay. It’s just a testament to how much you cared about him and it’s beautiful! I like to describe love like a tree. You are the tree trunk and your branches represent the different relationships you have had in your life. When a branch (a relationship) is active and bearing leaves and fruit, it’s a live and being nourished. When the relationship changes, for whatever reason, the branch will slowly die off and go silent. It will always be a part of your tree, but it’s just a part that no longer needs to function. Then you meet someone new and a new branch begins to grow and bear leaves and fruit. And the thing is, no 2 branches are ever the same. You are NOT going to feel the same with anyone else because this guy brought out a very unique part of you. You and him together created a connection that was unique to the 2 of you. Someday, there will be someone new who will inspire something from you again. He will give you butterflies. He will make you laugh. He will make you feel sexy and beautiful. He will see the best and worst of you and still want to be with you. But it will feel different – as it should be. So there is no comparison here. There are just different experiences. And I know you cannot even begin to imagine this right now and that’s okay! How could you??? The branch that is him is still alive. It’s take time to go silent. That will happen over time and it’s nothing you have to force or do anything about. You will just naturally find yourself feeling that branch less and less. And who knows! Maybe it will come back alive again. You just never know what will happen. Your job is to make sure that you are living your life to your fullest and not stopping it or limiting yourself. Trust that there is A LOT to experience on your path, so stay open.
Thoughts?
Heidi
what do you feel about this move of him after such a long time? Do you think he was testing the waters or just a proper act and that’s it? Like I said before, it’s impossible to truly know what he is thinking and feeling. My best guess is, it’s a mixture of both being polite as well as testing the waters with you to see where you were at. I want to encourage you to let go of playing the guessing game of how he is feeling. It’s very common for women to analyze every single little thing a guy does, in efforts to understand how and what he is feeling. I cannot even tell you HOW MUCH OF A WASTE OF TIME that truly is. You are trying to put together a puzzle without all the pieces. Bottom line is, it’s not YOUR JOB to guess and interpret how he feels. It’s HIS job to communicate what he wants and until that time, you actually know nothing more than what he has already told you directly.
I would like to travel in August for a month(but this I haven’t planned) because being alone bothers me a bit.
I have traveled alone but joined in on a group vacation. It was so fun! I met other people and had a really great time. Maybe something to consider. There are plenty of travel companies that put groups together to tour an area.If he decides to reconnect, I will definitely not speed things as you say but of course I will not do that for long and always have his pace not a mutual pace. He first needs to earn my trust again which is so hard to achieve, he needs to try a lot and earn his place back in my life. Also, he needs to show if he wants to be with me, I won’t accept surface level approach. Also, I thought to also show him at first maybe I am not going to take him back, he needs to wonder a bit. I cannot give it to him straight in this plate.
He needs a lot of work to be with me again. Also, he needs to say that he regret all of this and he is willing to give me what I deserve i.e commitment, consistency and all of that no more one and off and up and down emotionally. And the answer to your question, is no I won’t open instantly. I need to see all of the above. Let’s talk about this, because your actions are not aligning with your words.You are here wondering how he feels. You are analyzing every aspect of his behavior in efforts to see how he feels – all because you want him back. If you didn’t want him back, none of this would matter and you wouldn’t be here trying to understand what HE is feeling. But in the above statement, you are saying it’s hard to earn your trust, he has to work really hard to be in your life, and he has to show you he wants commitment with you combined with regretting his choice and he is not getting everything handed to him on a silver platter. These are 2 very different things happening here. On one hand he has to work very hard to get back in and then on the other hand, you are staying connected, approachable, meeting HIS needs by keeping things surface, you posted a picture of the candle, you were excited about him reaching out – HE IS ALREADY IN!!! YOU have chosen to stay connected by posting that picture. YOU had a conversation with him that clearly showed him there was an open door for him to come back into your life. I’m not seeing where he has to work for anything here.
It’s important to get more clear about this Nafsika, because otherwise you will confuse him. What EXACTLY does it mean that he has to work for it? What does that look like in action? What EXACTLY do you need him to do to earn your trust back?
Let’s also look at the reality here. He is avoidant and that is not going to change. What you are wanting from him is not realistic for who he is. He will run when things get hard. He will not want to talk about anything and he will ALWAYS struggle to connect more deeply and be vulnerable. Yet you want his commitment, you want his regret, you won’t accept a surface level approach (which is who he is), you want consistency and no more up and down (avoidants cannot offer that). These things you are wanting from him are things he is not able to offer you, because he has a lot of fear and a lot of baggage that he is not willing to face within himself. Basically, you are saying he would need to make some MASSIVE changes if he were to ever be allowed back into your life. And these are changes, while healthy and would improve the relationship, are changes that are incredibly difficult to make and would require A LOT of internal work for him.
He is NOT emotionally available for you and never has been. So if you want him back, YOU have to accept who he is. YOU have to accept that he comes with a lot of baggage and he will avoid challenges, he will avoid communicating, he will avoid deep intimacy, and he will avoid getting close. He can only do so much Nafsika.
I think that what you are wanting from him is beyond what he can offer and this is not fair to him. So you have 2 choices. 1. accept him for who he is and let him back in. He deserves to be loved and embraced for who he is and NOT for who you need him to be. What you want from him is not something he can offer you. 2. Accept him for who he is and let him go. Acceptance means that you don’t need him to change and you understand you want something more than what he can offer….and it’s best to let him go so he doesn’t hurt you anymore and you don’t hurt him. Acceptance means you embrace that you and him are not a match anymore. And this means you let him go entirely. No more indirectly connecting. He is not invited to come see your shop. There is no more contact. You cannot heal from this loss as long as there is any contact.
With either choice, YOUR job is truly see him for who he is and not require him to become someone that he isn’t ready to be…and he may never be ready for that. What you are asking for are NOT some simple behavioral changes. These are DEEP changes that would require him to face his fears, face his low self-esteem, confront his pain and hurt, and learn a completely new way to live his life and how to function in a relationship in more healthy way.
The best analogy I can use to explain this is: Imagine there is a snake pit along your walking path. You see the snake pit, you jump in and you get bit all over. So much pain and hurt! The snake pit represents your relationship with him. The snakes are his toxic behaviors and choices that sabotage connection with you. Your list of requirements above means you want to be able to jump into that snake pit and NOT have those snakes bite you! That is asking those snakes to NOT be what they are. You threaten them by jumping into their pit and they CANNOT HELP but bite you. It is a protective mechanism and they have every right to protect themselves. So you want THEM to change????
So again – choice 1: keep jumping in the snake pit and know you will get bit and know it’s going hurt.
Choice 2: you don’t jump in the snake pit and let them be who they want to be and don’t disturb them. Let them be peaceful.I know these 2 choices are NOT what you want. I know you want him to fight for you. I know you want him to change. I know you want to have a much more healthy connection. What you want is beautiful and nourishing and deep and loving. The problem here is, you want it with someone who is not ready to be any of those things. He has a lot of fear and baggage that will ALWAYS sabotage intimacy and he cannot help it. The only way for that to change is for him to get some help from some type of expert who would be able to help guide him through his fears.
What are your thoughts on all of this?
Heidi
Hi Nafsika! Great to hear from you. Thank you for the update!
You both have been through so much! That was very thoughtful of you to post a candle for his father.
I have no idea what his mindset is, but I imagine that as he climbs out of the shock and sadness and dealing with all that comes with loss, he will become more available to connect.
It was a great conversation. You did well! You didn’t push, you kept things more on the surface, you were responsive to him. This probably helped him feel a bit more comfortable to connect with you. If he does decide he wants to connect more with you, what I mostly suggest is to just let him decide the speed of everything…how often he wants to connect, how often he wants to see you, and what he wants to talk about. The more you keep creating a safe place for him to connect with, the more he should feel comfortable moving forward with you. I have no idea if he would ever want to get back together though. That obviously is only something he would be able to answer. But considering this most recent text conversation, he is ready to open the door at least a little bit.
So my question to you is this…what do you NEED from him in order to move forward? Let’s say he does want to get back together. Are you open to that instantly, or do you feel you need something from him before jumping back in?
That’s an interesting feeling you have about wanting to go somewhere new. It makes sense that being on an island creates limitation. It sounds like your soul is needing variety….to feel new ways, to smell new things, to see things you haven’t seen before. Is it possible to maybe go on a vacation to see if that helps?
Heidi
Hey there! I thought I’d check in and see how things are going. How are you doing? What are you feeling? Any new developments? Any questions? I’d love an update.
Heidi
Hey Lori!
I thought I’d check in. How is everything progressing? Are you happy with this relationship? Are you both still doing a lot of talking and figuring things out? What’s the update? I’d love to hear.
Heidi
Hi Jessica! There is no message here, so I’m not sure how to help guide you. What are you feeling overwhelmed about?
Heidi
Hi Vicki!
Well it sounds like you are very clear about how you want to move forward. Do you have any other questions? Is there anything else you want to explore or ask?
Heidi
I’ve read this hot and cold thing keeps me addicted and I believe it because I have such a difficult time not thinking about him. Yes, this is a form of addiction. I’m guessing your parents set this up in you somehow…to be attracted and chase after an unavailable man. It’s the whole “scarcity” thing. We want MORE of what we can’t have. The energy of scarcity increases the wanting and then when you get it, even if for a moment – the “fix” is insanely powerful and then the cycle starts all over again. He pulls away, puts you in scarcity, you chase him, he gives you a little something, you get a fix…rinse and repeat.
This is definitely a universal thing too and just part of the psyche. There is a book called “The Game” and it’s about this secret club of men who spend time studying women. They create ways to figure out how to get what they want – how to conquer the female. There are MANY ways they go about doing it, but they practice and share tactics amongst the members. The whole scarcity thing is one of their tactics and this is how it can play out….Imagine a guy at a club. He sees his “target” who is with her 3 other girlfriends, standing in a circle drinking and talking. What’s his play? He goes up to the group of girls and starts a conversation. He engages with each of them, EXCEPT the one he really wants. He ignores her. Why? Because it creates scarcity and that naturally will make her think and feel like she wants him. She will feel “Why is he ignoring me? Am I not interesting? Am I not pretty enough? What’s wrong with me?” She will then find herself WANTING his attention and so he gets her into the position of chasing him. He plays hard to get for a bit and then BAM….he finally gives her attention which will magnify her feelings of “He is FINALLY choosing me.” She will feel special. She will feel chosen. She will want more. She will be easier to get into bed, because she is now in the position and mindset of NOT wanting to feel rejected by him again, so she will want to make him feel good and she will want to keep giving him reasons to choose her. This tactic is INCREDIBLY powerful. She is liking him and wanting to give him whatever he wants and she doesn’t even question whether or not she actually likes him. He set her up.
Now let’s look at the deeper truth here. This type of tactic – the hot and cold game – really only works on a woman who is not connecting to her own value. If a woman were to TRULY connect to her queen energy…her power…her beauty…her strength – she would not need anyone to choose her. She chooses herself and because of that…any man who wants to interact with her must treat her like gold. He must see the divine in her. He must see the beauty she encompasses. He must know the treasure he is standing in front of. And in return, she treats him the same and sees him the same. It’s only when a person is disconnected from themselves, disconnected from their value, that they look to others to show them. This guy does NOT have the ability to value you Vicki. He is quite limited and that’s okay. AND…you keep chasing after him, even as a friend, because you are looking for HIM to choose you, instead of you choosing yourself. YOU are the one teaching him that it’s okay to treat you this way. YOU are the one saying yes to this hot and cold connection. YOU are the one who keeps negotiating away how you want to be treated, because you so badly want connection.
If you were the CEO / Founder of a multi-billion dollar company and it was YOUR job to make sure that every employee supported your vision, would you hire this guy? Your company is your HEART! Your heart is sacred. Your love is valuable. Your connection is priceless. And when you hire an employee, their job is to care for your heart according to YOUR standards. This is what dating is…it’s an interview between 2 people looking to hire someone for a high level position in their hearts. Successful companies hold to their standards and become abundant. Failing companies do not. You are failing in your business by choosing to keep this guy on as an employee on any level. He is NOT a friend. He is NOT a lover. He is NOT skilled enough to do a good job to support your heart. That is VERY evident, yet you want to keep him on as an employee…and employee that causes HARM to your business!!! STOP! Love yourself enough to say no more. Every time you think about him, shut that down and say “NO! He is fired. End of story.” You have got to stop allowing your brain to participate in this toxic pattern and the only way to do that is to fire him from your company and have no more contact…EVER!
but there’s always this little voice that says “what if”. That is the voice of a part of you that so desperately wants to be loved and connected with. Love yourself. It’s NOT his job to fill that hole within in you. It’s YOUR job. It’s not easy, it’s not comfortable, it’s difficult AND it’s rewarding, it’s strengthening, it’s self esteem building, it’s empowering. Tell your “what if” voice this…”I know you want to connect and I know how good it feels. I got you though. I CHOOSE YOU. I LOVE YOU and I’m always here for you. You matter to ME. I will take care of you.” I had to do this over and over and over and over again…hundreds of times as I worked on breaking this very same toxic pattern of chasing after men who were not available. Now I am free from it and I want to encourage you to do the same!!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Vicki,
Yes, you get it. Him getting upset over nothing is exactly what I am talking about. It’s his system sending out “danger” signals that you are entering in the “no trespassing” zone. We all have one…even against ourselves – especially if you grow up with a parent who caused a lot of harm. That pain, the stories, the memories, the feelings all get locked away in the catacombs and to enter that zone means having to feel all of that again – and who wants that??? I have seen men who were in the special forces and facing death over and over and over again, NOT willing to go into that “no trespassing” zone within themselves…that’s how big the fear can be. It’s a rare person who is willing to go there. The reality is, if someone is not willing to go there themselves, there is no way anyone else is getting in. Alarms are set at the entrance of that place and anytime someone gets close, the sabotage “dogs” are let loose and wreak havoc in whatever way they can to keep that person away. It’s a VERY complicated system and again…few have the awareness. Your guy may be aware that you are “getting too close” but he has no clue what is really happening. All he knows is that he feels a certain way (and he can’t help it) and he has to follow how he feels, because that fear that inspires the sabotage is waaaaay too big. I used to be like that too. It took a TON of deep healing work to shift it, to where now I am more skilled, more aware, and I have people who can help me work with the fear when it comes up.
That’s how any of us are able to shift our patterns. You may be aware of your splits, but if you don’t directly work with that side of yourself that sabotages your well being and what you truly want, then you will be pulled back into that pattern of connecting with an emotionally unavailable man…whether it’s him or someone else.
He still says he’s not happy about the breakup and doesn’t want a relationship with anyone but I know he dates and I’m sure has sex probably as an ego boost, just like with me. I know he still cares, and still loved me when he ended it. He doesn’t have the ability to be happy. That emotional baggage he is carrying around will always keep him small, unhappy, and like an addict, looking for the next thing to try and make him feel happy. He is trying to feel better by using the outside world, like sex and women, to relieve him of the pain he carries. He is doing the very best he can, as he doesn’t know any better. And for most people, living a life like that is much less scary than facing what lives in those catacombs…at least that is the story they believe, because that is how our system sets it up to create a feelings of “safety.” It’s our system protecting us. Does this make sense?
Heidi
