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Hi Celia,
Help me understand where you guys are at right now. If I understand correctly, you are NOT talking to each other at all.
I’m wondering why you are having a change of heart. It sounds like you felt that it was A LOT of work to be with this guy, because of whatever emotional problems he has. It sounds like you got upset quite a bit. You haven’t been talking, but then you have changed your mind about him and saying he is better than anyone you know. What changed? I guarantee whatever problems you guys have together, have not changed. Are you wanting to step back into the same relationship again? Whatever his emotional problems are, they are probably the same. So why are you wanting to get him back? It sounds like you guys had a really difficult relationship.
Would you mind explaining further?
Heidi
Oh Cindi. I’m sooooo so sorry. Of course you cried your pretty hard. All hope is gone now. He returned the key and that represented a really big ending to you. You know now that he really has nothing left in him that wants to re-connect. The hope is gone. I know how painful that is. You had sooooo much love and so many hopes and dreams built around this guy. You thought you were done. You believed you had finally figured it out and that your beautiful heart could settle on someone healthy who FINALLY treated you well. And all of that just got blown to pieces. It hurts and there is no way around that. I would never wish that pain on anyone. It’s deep and it’s confusing and it’s not fair. I’m so sorry Cindi.
I’m proud of you that you had a good conversation with his mom. Well done! That door has now closed. You have fought for yourself and made some very difficult decisions because your self-love is growing Cindi. That is the GREATEST gift coming out of all of this. You may have lost him, but in that loss, you are connecting and protecting yourself more deeply!!! You are changing the course of your life in a good way with all of these very difficult decisions you are making. You can’t see it now, but down the road, when all is healed and you have moved on, you will look back at this time and be FULL of gratitude for the pieces of yourself you found, connected to, and the all the gifts you received because of this heartbreak.
Keep your head up. Even though your heart is breaking and you feel like a failure, you keep your head up and be PROUD of yourself. You loved again and you are healing again. That takes strength, courage, and resilience.
Heidi
I feel like it’s not over, and I’m finally comfortable saying that. What does this mean to you? I don’t understand this statement.
I went to my girlfriend’s house that also just went through a horrible breakup recently and we both just cried and cried. It was really healing and helpful to release a lot of that pain. What a beautiful evening you both had together. I LOVE it!!! I remember learning about embodiment practices and we were learning about dance and using it to express emotion. The teacher said, don’t just dance your own anger of betrayal, dance everyone’s anger of betrayal. Dance everyone’s hurt from betrayal. Include the collective and help clear the energy for everyone. And when she directed us to include the collective in our dance, it made it soooooo much more powerful and purposeful and it was a completely different perspective. I’m saying this because there is power, beauty, and healing when you join with someone else who understands the pain and you cry together. You feel together. You express together. I love that you both had this experience with each other! It’s truly beautiful! Maybe you guys can create a weekly meetup where you both purposefully and consciously work together through all the feelings. Maybe you meet for a dance, for a yoga class, for a playful event. Maybe you guys meet once per week to just do something joyful, silly, and fun to make sure you guys are still activating that beautiful healing energy. Help each other!
I also started doing some somatic yoga, and it also made me cry. It feels good sometimes now. It doesn’t last all day, but I’m getting glimpses again. You are in the next level of healing. Yayayayaa! You are not being consumed by it, you are not obsessing as much, you are taking your life back, and you Cindi, you ARE healing!!! You are doing such great work and I get to witness that beautiful strength rise within you, that will make you the strongest you have ever been in your entire life. It’s time that you step into your power. It’s time that you step into your voice. It’s time that you elevate your level of self-love and truly connect into the value and sacredness of your heart, so you don’t hand it over to just anyone anymore. This experience with this guy was soooooo important to help wake you up to a higher level of functioning. You needed to fall in love and learn how to see how that love you felt was still dysfunctional and harming you. Even though it was the best you had ever been treated, it still was not enough. You are learning through all of this, the strength that you have to recover and heal yourself from the greatest heartbreak. You NEED to know that about yourself. Your children NEED to witness this about you, because they are watching their role model handle loss and fighting for herself in healthy ways.
I’m also going to stop replying to his mother’s messages. Stop checking his Facebook, and all of his friends Facebook. If he wants to come to me, he will, when the time is right, and we’re both ready for the conversation. Yes! Good job! You are ready to let go on another level.
Just something to look forward to….you will know you have COMPLETELY healed when you are indifferent. Meaning, you don’t have a need to check social media. When you think about him, you send him good thoughts and wish him well, but there is ZERO desire to interact with him. You are neutral. You are not angry or hurt, nor are you wishing to re-connect. You won’t have a need to have a conversation with him, because no matter what he says, it won’t impact how you feel, because you are healed. The door is closed. And whatever happened doesn’t matter anymore, so his feelings are just his feelings and your need to understand just isn’t there anymore. You are indifferent. No amount of information is needed, because you are complete. That’s what it looks like and feels like to truly be healed. As long as you still have parts of yourself needing ANYTHING from him or needing to know about him, you are not done with your healing. Occasionally what I would do after a super hard breakup, is I would test myself. I would ask myself “What would I feel if I saw him walking and holding hands with another woman?” If I had a hurt reaction or a jealous reaction or any other reaction other than feeling happy for him, then I knew I was NOT complete in my healing. I would also check social media once in a while to see how I would feel as I observed his life. What thoughts and feelings would come up for me? If I felt anything other than being happy for him, then I knew I was not done with my healing. If I felt anything other than complete and utter peace while checking his life, then I was not done with my healing. A big mistake a lot of people make, is assuming they are healed, just because they don’t think about the person anymore. My coach tells me all the time, “I don’t care if you there is a tiny sliver of emotion left. You get at it! If you leave a splinter in your finger, no matter how small it is, it carries the potential for infection and although it’s small, it’s still a daily dose of small amounts of pain. Love yourself enough to heal completely and DO NOT accept ANY amount of pain that doesn’t need to be there.” My point is, I know you have a ways to go with your healing, but I wanted you to get a clear picture of what healing actually is. You want to clear ALL of this 100% through and through, so that when you step into your next relationship, you are more clear, wise, discerning, and you are attracting someone who functions at a much higher level, because YOU are functioning at a higher level. You don’t want this current guy to leave an imprint that ends up affecting your next experience, right? You want to clear this guy out of your system 100%. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Cindi! I am so proud of you that you KEEP THINGS MOVING! You keep meditating, you are tapping, you are crying, you are journaling…YES YES YES!!!! Listen…it’s so important for you to know that your anger and your tears of full of a LIFETIME of hurt, abandonment, and not being fought for. This isn’t just about him, it’s about every other person who made you feel the same way through their limited choices. It’s about your ex husband. It’s about your role models as a child. So KEEP CRYING! DO NOT avoid the pain. You have YEARS of stuff that is ready to come out and be released, and this current guy is just the icing on the cake. You have a lot of layers to work through, so stick with it!!!
I’ve journaled several times, but feel like it just brings out the pain and confusion I’m feeling Keep journaling. Maybe expand your feelings and instead of talking about the hurt from this current guy, allow yourself to tap into the pain and confusion of other situations you have been carrying on your shoulders. You have baggage FULL of painful and confusing stories. Journal about those too! Open up Pandora’s box and just let it all come out!!! It’s time for you to have your FULL voice, FULL feelings, FULL expression of everything that has been buried for a long time.
His mom keeps talking to me on my stories on Facebook It might be best for you to disconnect from her for a while. It’s not appropriate for you guys to stay connected while you are trying to heal. It’s not appropriate that she is not honoring her son’s wishes and supporting his choice. She needs to stop reaching out to you. Maybe down the road when you are more healed and you both feel a connection with each other, THEN you can reach out, but otherwise, a breakup with him means a breakup from everyone in his life. Honor his choice and stop connecting with HIS mother and love yourself enough to close the door, so you can continue to move forward. This relationship with her is stunting your growth and healing.
I also wanted to say that these conversations have been my lifeline the last couple weeks, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you and your support. Oh Cindi! I am so honored you have stayed connected and continued to share your experience with me. I love that I get to be part of this VERY VERY difficult time for you and help you feel supported. You are one of the very few who have continued to ask for support during the most difficult times. You are incredibly strong and facing some really big fears and you are learning you CAN do this!!! Who you are becoming is stronger, more intelligent, more loving, and more powerful each day that you fight for yourself!
Heidi
This is VERY normal! Allow those thoughts to come through and give them an avenue to COME OUT! Distracting yourself means you are just trying to make yourself feel something different and avoid them. That’s what your guy does. He never dealt with his feelings, but instead ran from them – and see what it does to connection and love? FEEL what you need to feel and journal about them, tap about them, dance your feelings, take a tennis racket to a pillow and get angry. Feelings NEED to be paid attention and MOVE instead of staying stuck in the head where it will torture you with looping and looping and looping. They DO NOT go away with distraction and they are not supposed to. It’s these HARD days where you double down on the skills I have shared with you. Take ACTION towards your feelings, not away from them….or you will be no different than him.
So tell me….what are going to DO to help yourself?
Heidi
Hi Heidi,
I was hoping to continue our conversation. Maybe you only had this membership for a short period of time. I don’t know….but you are still connected here, come on back and let’s keep talking about dating and how to approach everything.
Heidi
YES! You have gathered more pieces of yourself back to you. You are slowly strengthening. You can function a little better now and you are getting back to the YOU that you feel good about.
(something he accused me of doing to him, which was really confusing in the end). Of course this is confusing! VERY mixed messages. I totally get why he did that, but only because I am an expert and have done deep work on myself to understand what and why he did. For you, it doesn’t matter. The fact that is happened IS what matters and all that matters in the end. I stopped trying to figure out people a long time ago and just accepted who they showed they were and either accepted it or moved on. The “why” is THEIR path and all I need to do is keep focusing on my path and strengthen my ability to love and be loved.
You are doing a great job Cindi! It’s okay that you keep looking. Anybody would! And yes, one day you will forget to look and you will know that you are healing on new level.
Keep going! You are doing great!
Heidi
I finally decided it’s okay no matter what he does. This is the MOST IMPORTANT place for you to come to. It doesn’t matter what he does anymore. That is you unplugging from him and starting to take back your power. YES YES YES!!!!!! I’m so proud of you. You are getting it!
He either wasn’t able to drop it off, which is likely being that he can’t even keep a date with you, because he is so busy…or he is being passive-aggressive. Regardless, what you DO know is that he has broken his integrity AGAIN. It is a pattern where he says he is going to do something or be something and then NOT follow through. He is showing you that you cannot believe nor trust what he says. He has broken trust and safety on sooooooo many levels. He is NOT a safe person and you learning how to keep turning your attention back onto yourself is about YOUR healing…not only from the loss of him, but also healing the MANY years where you made “other” more important than yourself. WELL DONE!!!!!
Heidi
But I’m also glad I had the strength to say goodbye in my own way, with my own voice. Remember this! No matter the pain that comes with a choice, something ALWAYS feels really good at the same exact time, to make a decision from your OWN power and voice. You just discovered how strong you really are, in the midst of great pain, fear, and heartache. That should tell you something about yourself!!! You have it in you! And you got a taste of what it feels like to stay empowered and how that can bring some level of peace even in the darkness.
Of course you are dreading seeing that key. It really is symbolizing and ending and it hurts. AND…in a very strange way, you will get to rest because there IS an ending. Deep down, your psyche really needed to create closure and until you do that for yourself, there is no moving forward and past the hope. So even though you are going to cry a lot more and still hurt, you will let the hope finally die so you can move forward. This is hard Cindi. Keep tapping, keep doing your mindfulness practices, keep exercising, keep doing WHATEVER IT TAKES to support yourself and find joy, even in the smallest moments. Something I do when I am really struggling, is I will go buy a dozen roses and then go to the grocery store and hand out a rose to 12 different strangers. Sometimes I just smile and say have a beautiful day and sometimes I offer a compliment with the rose, but either way…I cannot tell you how powerful it is to offer love and connection with 12 strangers, knowing I gave them a moment in their day that was unique, unexpected, and full of love and light. Why not take your kids along with you and give them a few roses to pass out as well. It will fill your hurting heart with love and smiles and can help you heal. Anything of that nature, where you are bringing light into the world, whether with people, animals, nature….it ALL helps! Maybe connect with a shelter and offer to walk the dogs once per week. Go to an aquarium and get lost in the magnificent beauty and magical beings that live in the water. Go somewhere you have never been and smell, see, taste something BRAND NEW. CREATE NOVELTY in your life that connects you to something sooooo much bigger and greater than your heartache. It helps!!!
Heidi
Hi Hayley,
I imagine you were not a fan of my response, as it didn’t really support what you wanted to make happen. I completely understand if that’s how you felt. Let’s keep talking about this! I think that if you can start to approach this relationship with a different kind of perspective and acceptance, you will find more peace with him, even if you are not getting everything you want. Or…maybe you know that since you are not going to get certain things from him, it’s best to move on. I don’t know.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Seow,
I thought I’d check in and see how you received what I wrote. Let’s keep talking! It sounds like you are at the end of your rope, so it seems on the more urgent side that you start to learn different ways to connect with him and yourself that support strengthening your connection instead of destroying it.
Heidi
Cindi!!!!! I am soooooo proud of you!!!! It was a very sweet and kind and connective ending from your heart. You touched him with your love, even in the hardest moment for you. Do you know how much strength that took??? You took ACTION in a very honoring way for BOTH him and you. And he responded. Closure is coming your way. I know that’s not what you wanted, but you need it so you can heal. I wish I could just give you the HUGEST hug right now! This is the beginning of you becoming MUCH stronger internally and putting your love and goodness out into the world in a way where you don’t lose yourself in the process. Even though you have pain and grief from the loss, there is celebration at the same exact time. YOU loved yourself all on your own.
It’s over. NOW….you can begin the real healing. Nothing will be left tying you guys together and as painful as it is, it also will free you from the torture that hope kept bringing in.
Keep crying Cindi. You are grieving so much more than just him. These tears have been a long time coming, so you just keep feeling them and trust that your system needs to do this. One day at a time.
Keep talking to me!
Heidi
Go ask the front desk. Let them know you gave out a spare key and that person is not giving it back. Ask if you can make payments or something for them to switch the locks. I have done that before in an apartment complex and it’s something they are equipped to handle….OR…just let it go. He will drop the key whenever he does and you still continue to create closure on your own. Let him know that he can drop the key at the front office of your complex and they will return it you, or let him know when you will NOT be home so he can drop it off under your mat. Either way, make arrangements to NOT see him. This is how you will get your key back. Besides, your hope is still alive, so you need to squash it out completely by NOT giving yourself a way to see him. It’s over Cindi. Keep reminding yourself of that every time hope creeps back in.
I want to encourage you to start to practice using your OWN voice, even with me or your therapist. Just because a therapist tells you to say something or just because I tell you NOT to say something, OWN IT YOURSELF! What do YOU feel is the best thing to do? Don’t lose yourself in “expert” opinions either.
Now you have 2 expert resources. Next time, when you are trying to make a decision, BEFORE taking action, ask BOTH me and your therapist about our opinions. Then make your decision according what YOU want to align with. This is how you start to make YOUR voice and YOUR opinion matter. This is how YOU stay empowered instead falling back into the pattern of constantly deferring to someone else, expert or not. Even if you what you decide to do creates an outcome you don’t want, you own it and learn from it and keep moving forward. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Cindi,
I’m honestly not a super fan of what your therapist is suggesting to say and here are 3 reasons why:
1. It’s setting you up AGAIN for you needing HIM to do something specific so you can feel okay and that is a lifelong pattern of yours of handing your power away to other people. If you want to have a different kind of outcome with a man, you HAVE to learn to take ownership of your own well-being instead of waiting around for someone else to say, do, or be something FOR you, so you can feel whatever it is that you are after.
2. Remember how he felt like your life revolved around him? Well that’s exactly what this statement is saying to him which RE-INFORCES why he broke up in the first place. You are just telling him once again, that HE is responsible for YOUR feeling of closure. That kind of comment will only validate his feelings about breaking up with you.
3. HE IS COLD!! This statement you want to text him is you asking him to care about how you feel and to someone who is trying to end things the way he is, he is NOT going to care about how you feel. He has shown that to you over and over and over again…HIS feelings matter, NOT yours. So you want to set yourself up for rejection again? You want to once again, put your feelings out there for him to ignore? All this statement is going to do is create irritation for him, not care. It’s a “needy” statement and he will instantly feel that and be glad he ended things.
It’s time you take your OWN hurt and pain and handle it yourself. You actually DO NOT need the key to create closure. There is NO truth in that. If that were actually true, then just change the locks, so his key is invalid. Simple fix. CREATE CLOSURE YOURSELF!!!!! You can do this!
My guess is, BECAUSE you are not done and still holding onto hope, this key is the LAST reason you have to talk with him or see him. So the key is becoming the focus instead of you taking matters into your own hands. What you are REALLY hoping for is another reason for contact with him. So instead of creating closure on your own, WITHOUT HIM, you are creating a way to keep your hope alive through this key. Of course you get to do that, but it will only prolong the suffering. It’s up to you.
Heidi
Hi Hayley!
Welcome! Thank you for explaining your situation and being here to learn! It sounds like you have pretty strong feelings for him.
I’m just going to stop you in your tracks. There is ONE thing that really needs to be addressed here. HE DOES NOT WANT CHILDREN. It doesn’t matter whether you believe his age is an issue or not, because it’s not about YOU. It’s about how HE feels about it. His children have grown and he has been there and done that and doesn’t want to start all over again. It’s be like you graduating from high school and then get told you need to go back to kindergarten and do it all over again. How would that make you feel?? Or…how would YOU feel if he spend his time and energy trying to convince you that you DON’T want a child?? How would it feel for you to have someone trying to change you instead of accepting that YOU know what is best for yourself. By you wanting to change his mind, means you are making yourself an authority on how he should feel. This is a recipe for disaster. No person appreciates not being accepted for EXACTLY who they are.
So first and foremost, LISTEN to what he says he wants and if what he wants is a deal breaker for you, then accept that, instead of trying to make things the way YOU want. That kind of thinking is exactly what causes breakups down the road and I don’t think you want something like that. I imagine you want a healthy, respectful, nourishing connection where BOTH you and him feel accepted and loved and cherished for WHO YOU ARE and NOT who the other person wants you to be…yes? If you want that kind of love, then you have to BE that kind of love as well. Thoughts?
Second, is there a rush here? You guys barely know each other. It doesn’t matter that it’s been 8 years. You guys are BRAND NEW in the romance department which is a very different arena to navigate AND you only see each other 3 days at a time. What’s the rush? I know you want him to move there, but what about his kids? THEY NEED A FATHER to be present in their lives until they go out on their own. It’s absolutely appropriate for him to stick with THEM and continue to help shape them before heading off into the world on their own.
I’m really not seeing how him moving to Australia is a healthy thing, especially when you guys are so new to each other AND he has young kids AND you want different things. I understand you have strong feelings and how amazing that feels! It’s powerful and it absolutely would make you want to build a life with him. But what’s missing here is a critical piece – he is NOT able to offer you what you want. You want to remove those blocks, but at the expense of his kids having a father and at the expense of what he KNOWS he wants (not having another child)…all so you can get what you want. Is that how you want to set up the relationship?
Heidi
