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HI EB,
Wonderful! THAT IS HONEST! I love it!
You already have found the wounded you. The wounded you is the part that needs attention. The wounded you is the part that chooses to have casual sex even though you actually really want something deeper. The wounded you is the part that stays connected to Paul. It doesn’t matter at this point how those wounds were created to cause these kind of choices that go against what you really want. What you need to deal with first and foremost, is you are not in alignment with who you really want to be. Seeking attention from a man to validate yourself means you need to fill that hole with your self love. Seeking a man to be a boyfriend to give you value, means you need to fill that hole with giving yourself your own value. Seeking sex to feel connection means you need to connect with yourself. This is all so basic, but far from easy.
When is the last time you were completely alone? Meaning, no dating….your day is just filled with you, your job, your friends.
Heidi
Hi Ashley,
Reality is, you guys really aren’t broken up and that is the main issue here. Technically, you guys have broken up, but neither of you have followed through with the FULL actions of breaking up. You still talk every single day, he got jealous about you going out, he still says he loves you. Those are not things that people do when they break up. There is no possible way for you to move on or for him to move on and heal as long as you stay in contact with each other. So the design you are in, is a holding pattern and that is what is dangerous and difficult about all of this. He won’t be WITH you and he won’t let you go. As long as you participate in that kind of design, 2 things will happen. He will get to keep you to himself even though he isn’t committing to anything and you will slowly lose yourself. Staying in the holding pattern is like torture.
Of course it feels good to continue to talk everyday and be “friends.” It helps you avoid the pain of really being broken up. AND it’s crazy hard as well because you also are not together. This is not a healthy way to function in a relationship. There are a lot of emotional and stressful consequences to this design. You, of course, get to participate with him any way that you like for as long as you want. If you really want to make changes, then you need to pull away and let him feel the emptiness of his life without you in it. It actually may make him want you back after some time. He hasn’t fully felt the weight of his decision by breaking up with you because you guys are still in contact. Breaking up means no more contact. No more feeding the relationship. Designing a new day, each day, without each other in it. I know it sounds horrible and it will be crazy painful at first, but remember it will be painful for him too….and that may be what he needs to feel and know in order to really realize the distance is no big deal.
Maybe say something like this, “I can’t talk with you anymore. You decided to end our relationship, but the truth is, it hasn’t ended and it’s messing with my head and my heart. I don’t want to let you go, but it’s not healthy for me. I have to face reality that you made a decision to end things and I need to get in alignment with that. So it’s time to really say goodbye and face the pain of breaking up.”
My guess is, this will scare the crap out of him. My other guess is, you may not be ready to do this…and that’s okay. You can keep staying in this holding pattern as long as you want. It will continue to hurt and be confusing, but I get that feels better than having to face your day without him in it.
Heidi
Hi Ashley,
I am sooo so sorry for what you are going through. It’s VERY confusing and there are a lot of dynamics happening here.
It’s not unusual for people to panic as they are transitioning from college into the adult life. Where are you at in the process?
My guess is, he has no clue what he wants in his life and he is being triggered all over the place and has no clue how to handle all of it. Yes he broke up, but he still loves you and doesn’t want to let you go, but he also doesn’t want to be in relationship.
Of course it’s hard not to talk with him everyday. It sounds like you both really enmeshed into each other’s lives, so separating is going to, no doubt, be painful.
What do you want? Are you okay with still communicating with him and bonding with him and saying “I love you” even though you are not together anymore? What do YOU want? Right now, all you are thinking about is making HIM comfortable, making HIM feel okay, trying not to scare HIM away. Where do you exist in this scenario?
Heidi
Hello there!
Well this certainly is a turn of events! So interesting right??? The psychology of a person and their behaviors are always so fascinating to me.
I’m not saying you should not be doing what you are doing. Have at it! What I am saying is to make your decisions from a place of honesty and truth with yourself. Truth is, it is VERY dangerous what you are doing with Paul. You are not fighting for what your heart really wants. You are not aligning with your standards and you are settling. You are setting yourself up for another heartbreak. You are allowing yourself to be drawn back in through the all the texting. Yes, it is an energy blocker for other men to come in. Your energy is going towards Paul and he is getting his needs met with you and is able to get what he wants without ever really showing up in a real relationship. You are using him to make you feel better about yourself, because you don’t want to hurt anymore and it’s way easier than working through the pain and hurt on your own.
Now, with all of that being said, you both are making choices that are completely understandable. You both are getting your needs met in the easiest ways possible. You do have a connection with each other as well. There are consequences to this path and the truth is, you will deal with them whenever they show up. You obviously are not quite done with him. No one can tell anyone when they are done….and that’s okay. I have KNOWINGLY walked back into situation that were going to break my heart again. The short term “feel good” was so strong, so I completely get it and don’t judge you at all for your choices. Just make sure you keep connecting with your little self. She is actually the one running the show and getting you connected back to Paul. She wants and craves connection and wants to be fought for. So start to give it to her yourself. The one question that always leads me back to myself is this: What is Paul giving you, that you are not willing to give to yourself? Then YOU start to meet those needs and slowly get your adult self back in the driver’s seat and aligning with your standards.
Hopefully all of this was okay to say. Thoughts?
Heidi
Wow! This is quite unexpected! I’m curious what your conversation were about. I imagine you shared your feelings with him. Did he help you understand what was happening for him? What was his response to what you said?
I still want to invite you to move forward with caution. Patterns like that just don’t disappear. They can be buried for a period of time, but eventually they will start to slowly show up again. So make sure you continue to be your authentic self and have agreements with him to continue to talk through what shows up. Make sure that he is earning the right to get those deeper parts of your heart.
I wish keeping it simple was easy and always true, but it’s just not the reality of relationships and love. Love is one of the most complicated emotions that exist. There is nothing simple about it. Make sure you don’t lose yourself in trying to keep it simple for him, although sometimes it really is simple. As long as you really stay present and continue to allow yourself to exist and use your voice and boundaries, I think you have the very best chance for things working out and you getting your needs met! I’m excited for you to get to practice and get to have more experiences with him!
So again, I’m curious what was happening for him. We would love to hear if you feel like sharing!
Heidi
Hi Elisa,
I am soooo so sorry for your heartache. It is so difficult to just be cut out, without having any understanding as to what happened.
I wish I could give you an answer as to what happened. Usually when someone cuts of, and nothing has happened between the people, something has happened in the person’s life who is distancing themselves. Maybe he is already in a relationship of some kind back where he lives. Maybe he got a girl pregnant. Maybe he got diagnosed with a terminal disease, maybe someone close to him has died. There are a million things that could have happened. What I would not suggest to do is for you to try and figure out what YOU did. If he got THAT upset about you disappearing for 3 days and not telling him where you were going, then he has a lot of internal work to do. It sounds like it didn’t really bother him though, being that he reconnected with you again. My feeling is, he just has something personally happening in his life and he is not sharing that with you. Because he is not sharing with you whatever “difficult” thing he has been going through, it leads me to believe it’s about another woman or something that is embarrassing for him like dealing with an addiction of some kind.
Either way, you have done everything you can to catch his attention. He is not responding and not taking the lead and contacting you and setting up ways to connect again…and that is something to pay attention to and something that matters.
I know it is so hard to let go when you don’t have answers for anything and you are wanting to see if there something YOU can do differently to catch his attention again. This really is about him, so if there are any changes that need to be made, he is the one that needs to make them. He is the one who is not following through on his word. He is the one who connects and then disconnects. He is the one who is not being authentic and honest with you. I understand you have a strong connection with him and it felt amazing. He is also these other things as well. He is giving you a little inside peek about how he handles situations that uncomfortable for him. He disappears and doesn’t communicate and is not honest. Is this really the kind of guy you want to invite into your heart??
You have created a story in your mind about him, but it’s not including the parts that are not so pretty. It’s time to get realistic about who he really is and it’s time for you to say, “You know what? I don’t deserve to be treated like this! I want a man who has the strength to be honest instead of leading me on. I want a man who is present and authentic. I want a man who has integrity in his word. This guy is showing me that he is none of those things, so it’s time to let this go and find a man that aligns with my standards.”
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Abigail,
I know I am coming into a long story. I will do what I can to help, but hopefully I haven’t missed anything…
First, you made this statement “He is not going to harm me. He is a stable person with a lucrative career. That is all I really know about him.” and I want to raise a big, red flag here…there is NOTHING true about this statement. You don’t know he is stable when he is angry or hurt. MANY guys with a lot of money are really abusive. So you actually do not know that you are safe with him. You are painting a personality for this guy to be what you need him to be, when you haven’t even met him. DANGEROUS! I always remember Ted Bundy and how he was VERY skilled at being quite the charmer. Women felt VERY safe with him which is how he was able to abduct so many of them.
You are worried that you don’t want to come across as a gold digger or a whore. First, I am not a fan of the word “whore.” It is such a derogatory term for a woman who is just in process and trying to figure out who she is. Everyone goes about that path in very different ways. You are going about it in a way that interests you. Own it, know what you are doing and be honest about it. You will be surprised how many people appreciate that and will willingly align with it. So EMBRACE what you are trying to create for yourself and own it. If you want to use a man for his money, then be honest about it and create an agreement that is honoring and comfortable for both of you. If that includes having sex and that is something you feel good about…then so be it! You will be so much more respected when you are authentic and honest and upfront. Just a suggestion.
I’m also a little confused. I’m not quite sure what you are wanting, which means maybe you are not quite sure what you want right now. You have so much going on right now between feeling betrayed and unsafe, I think you are looking for someone to rescue you….but I’m not sure in what way you are looking for that. I always like to guide people back themselves to develop the skillset to take care of themselves. When you learn that you are resilient, resourceful and able to get your needs met without comprising integrity, boundaries, self worth….then it means you can handle ANYTHING that happens in your life in a way that is respectful and honoring to yourself. So I am wondering what is stopping you from finding help for yourself without needing a man?
Again, I can’t tell what you really want from this guy….to use him for his money? Just to have sex? Do you or don’t you want to date him?
Heidi
Hi Sunita!
You are asking such a great question!
I would invite you to think about approaching this in a different way. The thing is, people can say all they want what their intentions are, but really…those intentions are only as good as that current moment. When you are getting to know someone, one week, everything is great and then maybe they learn something about you they don’t like…despite them wanting a long term experience as well, they may bail….or you may bail. The beginning of a relationship is soooo fragile and the honeymoon phase where things are so wonderful and so great for the most part. So….just saying you are only interested in long term experiences is not enough…and actually not even really necessary in the very beginning. Why? Because you don’t even know the person well enough to know that you want to have that kind of experience with them. AND….asking Craig what his intentions are with you matter MUCH less than how you feel around him. It doesn’t sound like you are really interested / attracted to him in that way, so why does it matter what his intentions are with you??? I think it’s pretty clear in this moment that he likes you. Asking someone their intentions IS a lot of pressure. He barely knows you to be able to say something like that. You can ask about his mindset though. If you really want to ask him his intentions, maybe a better way would be to say “What phase are you in right now in your life with dating? I know I have been all over the place in the past couple of years. I played around for a bit, I was serious for awhile and I have just been learning so much about myself and what I really want. Right now, I admit I would love to fall in love and have a more serious experience, so until that person comes along, I’m just hanging out and getting to know different people. What’s it been like for you the past couple of years?” Does this question make sense? Understanding his mindset and what he looking for is what you REALLY want to know and it won’t put pressure on him to answer anything about you specifically in his life until you guys have spent A LOT more time together and you both know you really like each other in the same way.
Here is what I suggest. There are 2 ways to get to know someone: 1. Asking questions 2. Having experiences with them
Both ways are VERY important because what you are looking for, are their words aligning with their actions in the experiences you have with them. One of my strongest skills in dating is my ability to ask questions and read between the lines and gather deeper information about a person without making them feel uncomfortable. For example, one of my favorite questions is “If you could design your perfect morning, what would it be like? Where would you be? Would you be with someone or alone? What would you do starting from the moment you open your eyes?” So when someone answers I am looking for 1 MAIN quality. If this quality is missing, I know this guy most likely won’t pass my non-negotiable list. (if he is missing this quality I look for, I then make a note and ask other types of questions and watch how he is in his life to see deeper and then I decide, once I feel I have enough information). This is where I formulate questions that support me finding out, sooner than later, about whether or not a guy embodies my non-negotiables. The quality I mostly look for in that question is a guy’s ability to be able to day dream….have a creative vision and enjoy the process of it. If a person doesn’t have that ability, that’s a big deal. Some people don’t feel safe to create visions and day dream and that is a very important part of a relationship. Being able to imagine the future, purchase a house you haven’t seen yet, plan for kids, plan a vacation, plan a wedding….all those things require vision, creativity and dreaming. So by asking him about his perfect morning, it will tell you whether or not he enjoys the process and how good he is at it. I’ve had guys answer with 1 sentence like, “Oh….I’d wake up early and go surfing.” and that’s it!!! BORING! I’ve had guys fully go into great detail and their answer turns into this beautiful story. That’s what I’m looking for.Other fun things you will learn from this question that are not non-negotiables: whether or not they are a morning person / what environment they love the most (ocean, dessert, city, mountains etc.) / whether someone is there or do they prefer to be alone (this can tell you their current mindset) / if they do imagine a lover there, does he serve her breakfast or does she serve him or do they go out to breakfast? / what his favorite foods are for breakfast / is he attracted to more luxurious accommodations or is he in a tent on the beach? See all the fun little details you can discover about someone in a non-invasive way?
I also ask more direct questions like: tell me about one of the worst moments in your life / what are you like when you get mad? / hat was your reputation like in high school?
So basically, I invite you to slow down your approach of letting them know you only want something serious and asking for their intentions. Take some time and just get to know someone for a little while. One of the BEST ways to really do this is to wait for any kind of intimacy. Hold off on the kissing. Hold off on having sex until you know them MUCH better (give it a good 3-6 months). You will be surprised how better the relationship develops and how much more you will see about a man when sex isn’t involved.
Hopefully this gives you some good ideas….
Heidi
Hi EB,
wow! what a wonderful spirit you have! I love that you care for life in the special way you do! We need more of your type of spirit in this world!!!
What a wonderful life you have created. It’s full of variety and feeding all different kinds of energy that exist within you. You are doing such a great job!
I’m glad you like the exercise I shared. It is VERY common for people who are used helping others to want to “fix” whatever their little person is feeling. The skill is to sit and be comfortable with it. Honor all those emotions and give them space and that is all that is really needed to shift the energy. You know how most of the time, someone just listening to you and validating you is enough???
I”m looking forward to hear about your experience with this!!Heidi
Hi Dana,
Wow…she sounds like a very high maintenance friend. You are not supposed to like being around a negative person. My guess is, being with that narcissist did a real number on her. You don’t really recover from narcissist without A LOT of help. They can really destroy a person’s self esteem. Time does not heal stuff like that. She most likely has just buried it all so she doesn’t have to feel it, but it leaks out.
The thing is Dana, she is who she is. She is negative and high maintenance. If you can’t even have an honest conversation with her without her getting defensive and turning it into an argument, I am wondering why you call her your best friend. She doesn’t sound like best friend material. I understand you have known each other forever. People change though therefore, the relationship changes. If you cannot keep growing together, then you end up growing apart and it sounds like maybe you are heading a different direction energetically than she is.
And I’m sorry to say this, but setting boundaries and asking for your needs WILL hurt people sometimes. It’s just the reality of being who you are. I know it sounds weird to say, but you have to be okay disappointing people or letting them hurt sometimes. I show empathy, but I also stay connected to myself knowing what I need to have happen and I fight for myself. I am no good to anyone if I give into everyone else all the time and don’t allow myself to exist in the relationship. That is the gift of boundaries and your needs. It allows people to actually know who you are! If you constantly hide and meet everyone else’s needs, then how the heck are they going to know what you need / want???
So it’s simple. You un-invite your friend to go. This is a special time. Your dog NEEDS as much peace as possible as he goes through this transition. Your friend’s energy will make things worse and then her energy will cause you to start to feel stressed and then it’s just awful! You need to protect your new pup and that means you protect yourself so that you are in the very best mood and space as possible! So you can say something like, “Listen. I’ve decided to go alone. You just stay home and relax. I’m turning this trip into a really good time for me to be alone and work through some emotional stuff that is coming for me. I can tell I have some triggers coming up, so I’m making this little road trip kind of like a ceremony of sorts. Shedding the old and starting anew. It’s time for me to really let some things go. So I’m gonna go this alone. Thank you for being willing to go with me. I’ll send you videos as soon as I can!”
Would saying something like that feel comfortable for you?? You need to tell her ASAP so she doesn’t get all excited and go through a ton of planning only to get dropped at the last minute. She might get irritated, but she will be okay. You have been friends for 35 years. She isn’t going anywhere. Right now, the most important thing is for you to feel good and your new pup to be in a peaceful environment and the only way to guarantee this is for her to not go.
Heidi
Oh wow! do you do NLP as your job? I have no doubt that as soon as you start giving your little person exactly what she is craving on a DAILY basis, you will start to see some huge shifts for yourself.
One of my favorite techniques is called left / right handwriting. Whichever hand is your dominant hand, that represents you, the adult. The other hand is you, the little girl. Get some big paper and big crayons or markers and have a conversation that way. You will be AMAZED at what comes out. Start with your adult asking a question like, I feel your sadness. I would love to hear about it. What would you like to tell me? Then switch the crayon to the other hand and just write what she is feeling. It’s amazing how childlike you will feel writing with your response with your non-dominant hand and how much that can access the little girl in you. The only rule is….DON”T FIX ANYTHING! So whatever it is that she says, your adult response is validation, connection, comfort and nurture ONLY. Whatever she says, respond with more questions and keep giving her the space to say and feel whatever she needs to. Something like this can absolutely help that sadness in your belly, move out of your body. You need to give it somewhere to go, so give it a voice!
Heidi
Hi Sunita,
Thanks for sharing your story! Well done! You created your own life, on your own terms and it sounds like you are really happy with what you have created. You really worked hard for that!
I’m glad to know Stephen has stayed away and that you feel disconnected and no longer interested. 1 frog down! lol
Being that you are interested in finding someone long term, what’s your plan? I know that when I was in a phase of just dating and having fun, I approached dates in a very different way compared to who I am now. Now, I am only interested in a long term relationship. So how I approach men and dating, is very different. There is much more of a lengthy “screening” and “interview” process that happens. So that is what I mean about your plan. Do you have a clear picture about what is “non-negotiable” for you in a relationship? Are you clear about how you get to know someone on a deeper level without bringing in sex too soon? Hopefully this is all making sense…
Heidi
Hi Melanie,
I have no idea if you will get this. I just read through everything and am so sorry for all that you went through. It’s tough! You are absolutely correct when you talked about breakups and the hard part is also letting go of what you thought was going to happen. Every person creates some kind of vision or dream around the relationship. So when a breakup happens, it’s also having to say to goodbye to that. I find that when I have coached women through breakups, sometimes this is quite the sticking point.
Here is a basic rule of thumb for understanding what and why you are attracting into your life. If you know that every single person is a mirror image of you, then you understand they are showing you the energy / belief systems / paradigms that are within in. The mirror acts in 2 different ways:
1. The mirror (other person) shows you how you are treating other people and giving you an experience of what it’s like to be on the other end of you. This helps us learn what it feels like and gives us an opportunity to change from a greater understanding of how it affects people. So if you attract a guy who is a liar, then he is showing you what it feels like to be lied to (just and example….not saying this is you).
2. The mirror shows you the beliefs you carry about yourself. It sounds like this is the case in your situation. You attracted a guy who needs to grow up and didn’t treat you very well when he broke up. He was not respectful, honoring or interested in your feelings. So there could be that kind of energy you carry within yourself. How do you treat yourself when you have feelings come up? Do you bury them or deal with them and get to know them? Most of the time, the beliefs and thoughts about yourself that are not healthy, get absorbed when you are a child from your parents or role models. Children will absorb the negative words about themselves and then they grow up carrying around that energy. That energy then becomes a strong beacon to attract a partner who will support that belief system somehow. I wish there was more time to explore this with you. Maybe, at the very least, this will help make sense of how this guys showed up in your life.
We definitely wish you all the best in your healing and moving forward. Thank you for sharing your life with us!
Heidi
Hi Lee,
I’m curious what you have chosen to do and why?
We are so happy to be hear for you and work through all of these challenges you are facing. It’s an honor to be part of your journey!
Heidi
Hi EB,
Those are all wonderful questions and feelings that you have. What are you doing for yourself when you are feeling this deep sadness and longing for him? What are you wanting him to do for you, that you are not doing for yourself?
Breaking up activates the same brain centers that get activated when trying to go clean off of a drug like cocaine. It’s intense. Here is a good video that may help you understand more about “why” you are reacting this way…
I get it though…there have been many times in my life where I am feeling “heartbreak” over a guy I shouldn’t have been with in the first place. The thing is, there are A LOT of layers to a dynamic like this. For me, I so craved connecting with a man, because I didn’t have that connection with my father. So it actually wasn’t even about the guy. I discovered that separating from a guy that was unhealthy for me, was like trying to separate from my father and that was why I was really struggling. My guess is, you are having a similar response on some level. Does this resonate for you at all?
Regardless of the reason, you need to be kind and compassionate with yourself. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel and take connect to that wounded part of you. One thing that has helped me in the past, is I would carry around a digital recorder (back in the old days…lol) and I would pretend it was my x boyfriend. I would speak into it a few times a day, whenever I would miss him like crazy or whenever I would get super mad about all of it. It was REALLY helpful to just let it all out and pretend that recorder was him. It’s a great way to get all of those thoughts out of your mind and it allows you to start processing. I was always surprised how once I started talking, all kinds of other stuff would come out with it. Maybe give that a shot….or you can journal in the same way….whatever you prefer….what is most important is that you get all that crap out and keep the emotions flowing OUT of you vs. keeping them stuck inside.
Heidi
