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Oh wow! do you do NLP as your job? I have no doubt that as soon as you start giving your little person exactly what she is craving on a DAILY basis, you will start to see some huge shifts for yourself.
One of my favorite techniques is called left / right handwriting. Whichever hand is your dominant hand, that represents you, the adult. The other hand is you, the little girl. Get some big paper and big crayons or markers and have a conversation that way. You will be AMAZED at what comes out. Start with your adult asking a question like, I feel your sadness. I would love to hear about it. What would you like to tell me? Then switch the crayon to the other hand and just write what she is feeling. It’s amazing how childlike you will feel writing with your response with your non-dominant hand and how much that can access the little girl in you. The only rule is….DON”T FIX ANYTHING! So whatever it is that she says, your adult response is validation, connection, comfort and nurture ONLY. Whatever she says, respond with more questions and keep giving her the space to say and feel whatever she needs to. Something like this can absolutely help that sadness in your belly, move out of your body. You need to give it somewhere to go, so give it a voice!
Heidi
Hi Sunita,
Thanks for sharing your story! Well done! You created your own life, on your own terms and it sounds like you are really happy with what you have created. You really worked hard for that!
I’m glad to know Stephen has stayed away and that you feel disconnected and no longer interested. 1 frog down! lol
Being that you are interested in finding someone long term, what’s your plan? I know that when I was in a phase of just dating and having fun, I approached dates in a very different way compared to who I am now. Now, I am only interested in a long term relationship. So how I approach men and dating, is very different. There is much more of a lengthy “screening” and “interview” process that happens. So that is what I mean about your plan. Do you have a clear picture about what is “non-negotiable” for you in a relationship? Are you clear about how you get to know someone on a deeper level without bringing in sex too soon? Hopefully this is all making sense…
Heidi
Hi Melanie,
I have no idea if you will get this. I just read through everything and am so sorry for all that you went through. It’s tough! You are absolutely correct when you talked about breakups and the hard part is also letting go of what you thought was going to happen. Every person creates some kind of vision or dream around the relationship. So when a breakup happens, it’s also having to say to goodbye to that. I find that when I have coached women through breakups, sometimes this is quite the sticking point.
Here is a basic rule of thumb for understanding what and why you are attracting into your life. If you know that every single person is a mirror image of you, then you understand they are showing you the energy / belief systems / paradigms that are within in. The mirror acts in 2 different ways:
1. The mirror (other person) shows you how you are treating other people and giving you an experience of what it’s like to be on the other end of you. This helps us learn what it feels like and gives us an opportunity to change from a greater understanding of how it affects people. So if you attract a guy who is a liar, then he is showing you what it feels like to be lied to (just and example….not saying this is you).
2. The mirror shows you the beliefs you carry about yourself. It sounds like this is the case in your situation. You attracted a guy who needs to grow up and didn’t treat you very well when he broke up. He was not respectful, honoring or interested in your feelings. So there could be that kind of energy you carry within yourself. How do you treat yourself when you have feelings come up? Do you bury them or deal with them and get to know them? Most of the time, the beliefs and thoughts about yourself that are not healthy, get absorbed when you are a child from your parents or role models. Children will absorb the negative words about themselves and then they grow up carrying around that energy. That energy then becomes a strong beacon to attract a partner who will support that belief system somehow. I wish there was more time to explore this with you. Maybe, at the very least, this will help make sense of how this guys showed up in your life.
We definitely wish you all the best in your healing and moving forward. Thank you for sharing your life with us!
Heidi
Hi Lee,
I’m curious what you have chosen to do and why?
We are so happy to be hear for you and work through all of these challenges you are facing. It’s an honor to be part of your journey!
Heidi
Hi EB,
Those are all wonderful questions and feelings that you have. What are you doing for yourself when you are feeling this deep sadness and longing for him? What are you wanting him to do for you, that you are not doing for yourself?
Breaking up activates the same brain centers that get activated when trying to go clean off of a drug like cocaine. It’s intense. Here is a good video that may help you understand more about “why” you are reacting this way…
I get it though…there have been many times in my life where I am feeling “heartbreak” over a guy I shouldn’t have been with in the first place. The thing is, there are A LOT of layers to a dynamic like this. For me, I so craved connecting with a man, because I didn’t have that connection with my father. So it actually wasn’t even about the guy. I discovered that separating from a guy that was unhealthy for me, was like trying to separate from my father and that was why I was really struggling. My guess is, you are having a similar response on some level. Does this resonate for you at all?
Regardless of the reason, you need to be kind and compassionate with yourself. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel and take connect to that wounded part of you. One thing that has helped me in the past, is I would carry around a digital recorder (back in the old days…lol) and I would pretend it was my x boyfriend. I would speak into it a few times a day, whenever I would miss him like crazy or whenever I would get super mad about all of it. It was REALLY helpful to just let it all out and pretend that recorder was him. It’s a great way to get all of those thoughts out of your mind and it allows you to start processing. I was always surprised how once I started talking, all kinds of other stuff would come out with it. Maybe give that a shot….or you can journal in the same way….whatever you prefer….what is most important is that you get all that crap out and keep the emotions flowing OUT of you vs. keeping them stuck inside.
Heidi
Great to hear from you again.
Yes, it is an endless mind game with a narcissist. It’s exhausting. My father was one and I finally figure it all out in my 20’s about how to really “manage” the relationship. It worked super well, except that maybe 1-2x a year, it would all fall apart. Eventually, the relationship ended. It was hard at first, but then I started noticing how much more I liked myself, how much more energy I had to go after my dreams, how much more I felt connected to the other people in my life. My life just got soooooo much better once I let go of playing all those games all the time….so I completely understand what you are going through.
Let me ask you this…what is keeping you with him? What benefits to you receive by staying? What are you getting out of this that you would choose a relationship where you don’t exist?
Heidi
Hi Dana,
Did you make it home safe?
It definitely does sound like a stressful time. It’s super hard to be around someone who is so negative and has so much low self esteem. Has she always been like this? I’m glad you finally used your voice and said something. She is REALLY wonderful practice for you for setting boundaries, forcing you to take care of yourself, learning how to communicate your feelings. These are all the things you need to improve so you start to exist more in your life.
When do you get your pup? I’m excited for your! I can’t wait to hear about it all!
Heidi
Hi Vicki,
Just checking in! We haven’t heard back from you and we would love to help. Are you still here?
Heidi
Hi Dana,
You really are struggling. I can feel it.
First of all, the very first place to start is to be more kind and compassionate with yourself. You have this habit of saying how “stupid” it is that you feel what you feel. You are treating yourself EXACTLY like your best friend is treating you…with very little care. If you want people to treat you differently, it starts with you and how you treat yourself first and foremost. There NOTHING stupid about your thoughts and feelings. You are just being you and going through VERY NORMAL breakup thoughts and emotions. BE KIND to yourself!!! Otherwise, all you will do is continue to attract people who match that energy you have towards yourself. If you want to attract a man who has respect for you, kindness and love about every part of you, there is no way you will be able to receive any of that until you practice receiving it from your own self. This is really an important and crucial aspect if you want that “peace” in your life and to be happy.
As far as Helio, maybe work on shifting those thoughts into something that is more true. With all of those thoughts, you are making it more about something being wrong with you and that he doesn’t want you. Instead, take ownership of what has happened. You just said that you don’t want to be with a man who you have to “convince” to be with you. So start saying instead, “Helio is not right for me. I am worth loving and fighting for and he is not able to do that. I DON”T WANT THAT KIND OF MAN IN MY LIFE!! I deserve more and better.” Everytime you miss him, you stop those thoughts and remind yourself how he was not available for you. When you allow yourself to head into the energy of missing him, it’s just your very natural desire to want to feel connected. It’s like what the video said…you get a dose of the chemicals you became addicted to. So get control and start to finish the story. He was great AND he wasn’t. He was both and ultimately, as great as he was and as wonderful as you got to feel with him sometimes, he is VERY LIMITED and IS NOT the full package….and you want the full package. Does this make sense? Do you see the difference of energy between the thoughts you are having vs. the thoughts I have listed? This is about empowering yourself and not putting the power into HIS hands. The power is in YOUR hands!
I’m sorry about your best friend. What is stopping you from creating whatever you need? Why not get creative and go and have some fun. Can you rent a cheap hotel somewhere and go do what you need to do?? This would be a great time to practice setting some boundaries and choosing to take care of yourself finally.
Your new pup….this is great that you have experience with this breed! It sounds like he is dog friendly! My dog attempts humping all of the time and I understand the reasons behind it, so it’s more manageable, but he super dog friendly, so I wouldn’t worry about it. From what everyone has said, he sounds pretty wonderful and ready to love and be loved. You will figure it all out! Trust yourself so you can rest.
Heidi
It’s not unusual to feel more tired. Even though you are resting, your body and mind are used to moving. I know that when I have days where I end up being a couch potato…I feel awful. I’m sleepy, foggy and my body has a hard time moving. We are not meant to “rest” and do nothing. Our bodies were designed to move and use the fuel of our food. There are a ton of things you can do though. Upper body workouts would be good right now, strengthening your core, working on your balance….
Man…New York will most likely make you feel “oppressed” like Hong Kong. It is a very intense city. Horns always honking, TONS of people moving all the time and on a mission, constant noise and very little greenery….but that also depends on where you are at. There are patched here and there and then of course there is the park. Either way, it is a “must see at least once” kind of thing. There is no place like it here in the U.S. I’m excited for you!
Heidi
HI Sunita!
Wow! I am so sorry for how he has been treating you. It sounds like you are finding your inner strength though. Sometimes, there are people that show up that cause us to forget who we are. I have done that before! I have found myself feeling completely insecure, acting like a little mouse before. It’s amazing! I am even aware that I am doing it and I’m saying to myself, “where the heck are you Heidi??? Where did you go?” As hard as these experiences are, the most amazing thing to feel is when you DO find yourself again….when you get your power back. You have been giving away your power to Stephen, so this has been sooooo good for you to take back your power!!! Well done!!! You are stronger for it!!! You finally fought for yourself and decided to end things!
Just something to be aware of too. I understand you felt justified to hit him below the belt with your comments and beliefs. Remember how it feels when he said hurtful things to you?? It’s awful! Nobody deserves to feel that way. Causing someone to feel bad about themselves only contributes to their low self esteem and yucky behaviors. You have such a beautiful and caring heart! It’s a skill and a CHOICE to stay connected to your caring heart when you are in the middle of feeling hurt. You wanted to hurt him back…which is quite normal actually. However, I also know that your best, higher self would not want to cause harm to him and cause more damage. He is who he is because he has had a lot of people treat him poorly and say horrible things to him. It’s sad really. Also remember that he is unstable. You want to do EVERYTHING you can to keep the peace…you never know what he is capable of, so if you say things to trigger his anger, his hurt, his need for revenge…you might find yourself in a sticky situation.
I think it’s good you just stay away and keep disconnected. Hopefully at some point, he will get the idea that you are not changing your mind and it’s over.
Heidi
