[Heidi G]

Oh wow Dana! This is such a wonderful update!!!! You now sound very aligned. You sound committed, you have made a decision and you are sticking to it. That’s what needed to happen! You have a plan and you are gathering more information. That is wonderful!!!! yayaya! I’m really excited for you!

as far as the leash thing, think of that leash as a direct line into him from you. What you are feeling, he is feeling. From what you are saying, it sounds like you have some fear about how he will react to other people and dogs (rightly so, as he has been unpredicatable) so when you feel any kind of hesitation, he will instantly pick that up. Remember that you are the pack leader. Dogs need a pack leader. The moment the pack leader waivers, on any level, another dog will step up and become the leader. So essentially, if he senses that you are nervous on any level, he will step up and become the pack leader do whatever he needs to do. They are that sensitive!!!! They instantly will reflect back to you what is happening inside of you. It’s magical! So start to pay attention to yourself and what you are thinking / feeling when you are on leash with him and see how adjusting your thoughts and feelings affect him. Cesar Milan has a TON of videos about this stuff online…just look on youtube. It’s a great place to start.

I’m glad you are getting to the gym. Again, another reflection of how he responds when you feel balanced and at peace within yourself after a workout. Another thought…why not just have a protein bar in the car on your way home from work, walk Cass, feed him and then leave for the gym. That way you can get there earlier and get home earlier and then eat dinner after working out.

It’s not surprising about Helio. How are you feeling about it, now being a few days later? Are you feeling the pull back towards him?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Michelle,

Thank you for sharing more information! It sounds like having his son and ex wife created a lot of stress for him on a certain level.
Even though you guys don’t argue a lot, when you do argue, it’s not in a healthy way. You don’t exist for him. He does what he wants without caring about how it affects you. How he argues is not going to be fixed from a simple conversation. It’s important you get realistic about this. How people argue comes from whatever coping mechanism we learned as a child. I’m sure his response to confrontation or upset has been exactly the same for decades. I’m sure he has had people along the way confront him about it. In order to change how he argues, that means really dealing with what is happening for him, his beliefs about confrontation and what he believes about himself, the other person etc. It’s a deep, very rooted issue. If he is going to change at all, first and foremost he needs to care that he is hurting, and care enough that he is willing to work on it. He needs to read some books, develop new skills and really allow you to exist when he is under that kind of stress. No matter what you said 3 months ago, it will all go out the window once the stress shows up again and there is an argument.

All you can really do, is work on yourself. You cannot change him or how he treats you. He is who he is until he decides to be different. So let’s work on what you can do to help yourself exist when there is an argument. Can you share an example of how you confront him, some examples of things you say to him during that time? When you guys argue, is there a tipping point where he goes away? Meaning, does he stay open, even for just a little bit before he goes cold? What do you do when he pulls away or blames you for the situation?

The book I recommended is about helping you understand what you need from him. Because it is written for men, it speaks in a way that men understand. Why I recommend it for women is because it helps them better communicate their needs in a way that a man understands. It can help you find the words to say to him what EXACTLY you need from him. Because men and women thing and feel and operate very differently, we try to communicate with each other and there is just a big gap that ends up happening. This book could help you frame your needs in a way that would make sense to your guy.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rebecca,

I just want to mirror back to you your words so that you can see what you are saying.

I don’t think he doesn’t think people can change / omg, she won’t ever trust me and that won’t change
he is throwing himself into work right now as he told me it helps
he’s online dating again

He does have some type of resistance about someone healing / changing. If he is believing you will never change, despite the fact you are going to therapy and working on yourself, that’s telling me there is something amiss about that. He has some type of belief system about all of this that is about HIS limitation, not yours. Reality is, we ALL have issues and patterns that are not healthy in our lives. He does as well. For example, one of his limiting patterns is throwing himself into work to “distract” him from what is happening in his life. He is a guy who isn’t willing to face his challenges head on. He is running from them (opposite than you…you are willing to get help and face yourself).

He is online dating again. That tells me he isn’t really invested anymore in your relationship. I understand you are scared that you are going to lose him, but I wonder if maybe he isn’t as great as you have built him up to be. Tell me more about what you meant when you said “He just doesn’t feel the man I thought I knew.” Remember, it takes quite awhile to get know someone in all different situations. I imagine you are seeing sides to him that are new to you, but they have been there all along and are just now getting exposed.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rebecca,

I’m really proud of you! First, it’s wonderful that you are acknowledging you need and want some help and want to heal. That is the most important thing here. Have you set up an appointment?

Second, it makes me sad that he doesn’t believe it’s possible to heal. I wonder why that is his belief. That might be a good conversation to have. You can ask something like, “Listen, I am willing to grow and heal and work with my limitations so that I can be a better partner. I don’t like that I have challenges trusting, so I am going to fix that. Tell me what is happening for you that you don’t believe that is possible. Where is that belief coming from?”

I also just want to quickly give you a different outlook on trust. Here is a big reality check….people are going to let you down. ANYONE has the potential to cheat, even this guy, even you. Being human means that we are going to muck things up in various ways. Therefore, putting trust in others is where there is danger. To trust that he will never cheat is just not realistic. So I like to invite people to put the trust in themselves instead. Because everything outside of yourself is unpredictable and unstable and in a matter of seconds, life can change, you want to put the trust in yourself that “no matter what happens in your life, you TRUST YOURSELF that you will be okay. You trust you are resilient, forgiving and will use your resources to help you get back up onto your feet so that you can make healthy decisions for your life. That is all you can ever control…yourself and your reactions. You cannot control someone else, so this is not about him earning or proving to you that he won’t cheat. This is about you feeling safe within YOURSELF that no matter what happens in this relationship, you will be okay.

Does this make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Kyla,

I am soooo so sorry you are going through all of this. I can see why it is all so confusing. Thank you for sharing more details!

Let’s talk about his fears about you cheating again. My guess is, he is projecting. That means that someone is projecting a fear onto you, that is really their own. People do it ALL THE TIME without knowing what they are doing. Being that he cheated for quite awhile, on his wife, with you and who knows who else he cheated with before he met you, he has made the habit of cheating instead of staying in integrity, being honest and getting his needs met in an authentic way. His choice is to run away from the problems, instead of face them. So my guess is, he is afraid he will do the same exact thing to you….which is very likely.

Has he ever apologized to you? Has he ever acknowledged and cared about how it must have made you feel to find out he was married?

Remember, he literally went through a divorce and never really let her go. He is hopping from one relationship to another, which means is not doing anything to face all the emotions that come with a divorce and ending a marriage. I bet he is quite confused, therefore you are confused.

I’m so proud of you that you chose to be honest. That is the most important thing for you.

Tell me what you would like in a relationship. What kind of man do you feel safe handing your heart over to? Tell me about the core qualities that are important for you to have in a relationship?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Michelle,

Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenge.

How long have you guys been together? Would you mind sharing with me some of the techniques you have used to confront him? Meaning, what do you say when you are hurt or need to confront him about something?

This is a book I suggest ALL women read. It’s short and simple, but packed full of information. It’s written for men, but help women create a picture about what they really need from their man.

The Man’s Guide to Women

Dr. Gottman has studied longevity in relationships more than anyone in history. He did a 20 year study asking “what makes it work?” Not only was he asking how couples lasted longer than 20 years, but how are they happy? He really dove in there and came up with a pattern. One of the most important components that need to exist in a relationship in order for it to not only last, but be happy, is that during the hardest moments (arguments, hurt etc.) there was an attitude of teamwork and both people treated each other with respect.,,even in the hardest moments. I always tell people, you never really know someone until you see them in their worst. PAY ATTENTION!

These are some really big flags you are coming across here about him. Imagine you staying with him for 20 more years, constantly being dis-regarded, blamed and ignored. How do you think you will feel then?

You said you have talked to him about it before. What did you say? Have you ever let him know that you actually are wondering if you guys are a good match? Is he the type that would be willing to learn different ways to deal with his feelings?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Eva,

It sounds like the rollercoaster of healing has started for you already. You gave up 2 VERY BIG things that have been a part of your identity, all at once. You went cold turkey! Wow! Remember you are really jumping into designing a life that is loving and caring for yourself both physically and emotionally. That is your path, your choice and desire. Keep staying present. Don’t worry about what tomorrow brings or that you have to do any of this “forever,” just go one moment at a time. Turn these BIG goals into small baby steps.

Allow all of your upset and emotion to come up. You staying connected with Paul helps you avoid what is really buried. Now it’s going to come and that is so important! What kinds of thoughts are you having? What kinds of feelings? What is upsetting exactly?

I just recently watched a documentary called “Push” on Netflix. Watching that movie gave me a HUGE reality check. Anything that I think is hard for me to do…is all about my attitude. The main guy the documentary was about, said some incredible things and gave me strength and motivation to continue forward, facing what I need to face. I imagine it might helpful for you as well. It takes a bit a to get into it, but it’s well worth it!

https://thepushison.com/

Keep fighting for yourself Eva! You want more in your life. You deserve to feel loved and accepted and healthy and vibrant every single day! It’s like going to the gym. You don’t just have muscles and strength and stability. You have to earn the right to have all of those. It takes discipline, a vision, commitment to feel what you truly want for yourself. Some days it is just going to be plain difficult and you will want to fall into old patterns. Making it through those days, successfully, is what strengthens your spirit and your resolve. Stay focused!

Tell me about your vision…tell me about the kind of experience you want to have with a man. Tell me about what you want to feel like physically since you have stopped smoking.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Dana!

I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Have you figured out a routine? How are you feeling?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Amy,

This is all really wonderful! You have an INCREDIBLE mindset. You are spot on with how you are thinking and feeling and that is how this will be able to work, considering the challenge of distance and his schedule. It sounds like you guys have the makings for a wonderful relationship with each other!

As far as activating his hero instinct, you can do silly little things when together. He already is a gentleman and I have no doubt you thank him every time he opens a door for you etc. But you can just throw in a little more at point saying, “You know…I have to tell you that I appreciate, so much, how you always open my doors. Every single time you do something like that for me, it makes me feel special and taken care of. Thank you!”

Anytime you ask him advice about something, it’s activating his hero instinct. So ask him for ideas about how to solve a challenge in your life (even if it is already resolved, ask him anyways. He will love it!)

Even something like, “My feet are killing me in these shoes. Would you mind helping me and just rubbing them out for a few minutes? I promise to return the favor!” And make sure when he does it, you are being very vocal about how much it’s helping.

Do these give you some ideas? Obviously you have to be in person for some things, but when there is distance, the most you can do to activate his hero instinct is to ask for advice about something and problem solving.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Sunny Life,

I just wanted to leave a short reply in response to your feelings about what I said. I always take into consideration a person’s viewpoint and take from it the things I resonate with to heart.

You are right. It was blunt and not a very caring way to communicate my point. I could have said the very same thing in many different ways. It’s moments like these that humble me and remind me about the areas where I need to continue to work with myself. Thank you for saying something.

Best wishes!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rhonda,

Welcome! I’m glad you are here.

I just have some questions. If I understand correctly, your husband wants a divorce, because he is tired of you complaining about his son too much?

Have you ever tried to resolve things with his son? What kinds of efforts have you made to bond with his son? Have you ever tried working with an expert to help you learn how to let things go? It’s not that easy. Forgiveness is essential along with some other components. That’s where having an expert who deals with family dynamics is really helpful.

I imagine that if you figured out how to let go of the past and figured out a different way to deal with how you feel about his son (instead of complaining to him about it), that your husband would notice the changes and feel more comfortable continuing the marriage. Have you discussed any ideas like that with him? Maybe even suggest a couple’s therapist??

Heidi

[Heidi G]

HI Eva,

I’m glad Jon gave you a good reflection of what it is like to be listened to. That’s important.

When it comes to Paul, it can get real simple. Every time you want to read his texts, you say to yourself, “No…that chapter is over and I want more.” You need to keep telling yourself that it’s over. As long as there is any shred of connection with him through these texts, there is NO WAY you will be able to move on. Your actions need to align with your choices. So what that you don’t feel like it! Kids don’t feel like eating their vegetables or taking a nap, but parents tough love them and make them do it anyways, because it is for them. You know Paul is unhealthy for you. You know he is activating some really unhealthy behavior in you. You know that you don’t want a future with him. You know that you want to move on with your life and create new possibilities. So be a good parent to yourself and say to that part that isn’t “ready” to let go: “I know you want to stay connected. I know he makes you feel certain ways that you will miss. I promise though, you will be okay. You and I will get through this together. I love you and care for you soooo deeply and that means that I am going to protect you. That means it’s time to let go of Paul and find out we are all good without him.”

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Jeanie,

I’m so so sorry! I know it hurts. Rejection is very hard. Unfortunately, this ghosting thing is the #1 challenge for BOTH men and women when it comes to online dating.

What’s so difficult about it, is there is just no closure and you don’t know why, so your mind just keeps looping around and around and around trying to find some answers, when there just aren’t any.

The reason it hurts bad, is because it’s just showing you some areas of your self-esteem that need some love and attention….from you. Meaning…you are giving those guys a lot of power by letting them hurt you so much. Because they aren’t choosing you, they are rejecting you…your value goes down the toilet. So basically, you are putting your value and self worth in the hands of these guys. So when they disappear…..ouch!!! These are GREAT gifts for you. I know it hurts, but they also are moments where you are able to look at yourself and go “Wow…I am having some really intense reactions to this. What is happening inside of me that I am allowing someone else to define my value? What am I wanting those guys to do for me, that I am not willing to do myself?”

It’s more than just focusing on your own life. It’s about staying connected to yourself in the middle of this rejection and showing yourself compassion, kindness and love. I know for me, when I used to get stood up every once in awhile (before online dating existed), it used to crush me. Now…when I’ve been ghosted…yes, it still hurts of course, but I bounce back soooo quickly and get back connected to my value and worth within an hour when I really focus on it. I can recover soooo much faster, because I took a deep dive into the negative beliefs I had about myself and started working on healing them and replacing them with the truth and self love.
So now, not taking it personally is a much easier thing.

What are your thoughts about all of this?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Amy!

Welcome! This is a bit of a tough situation as it seems to progressively keep getting more difficult to build a relationship. I’m really glad you both have that kind of connection.

I think the first thing to get really clear about is what committed means to you. Why is being committed important to you? If you were to become more committed in the relationship, what do you hope the relationship will look like that is different than how it is already functioning?

I would not advise on asking to meet his daughters. In reality, you both barely know each other. You have had such little in person time, that there still is a lot to learn about each other before involving the children. Give it some time and even see if you can make this 6 hour difference work for you guys. How does that feel for you?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

lol! Sounds like a good plan to stay away from judgment people. Life is so much more peaceful that way!!! But you won’t be able to avoid your grandma. Has she given you any “crap” lately about still being single? Maybe you are feeling better about all of that.

Heidi

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