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Hi Emily!
I just wanted to thank you for checking in! It’s great to hear from you! It sounds like you are making the very best use of this “restful” time you have while your body heals.
How was New York? I’d love to hear your thoughts about it!
How are you feeling about not dating at the moment? Do you find yourself getting stir crazy about it, or are you feeling comfortable just being with yourself right now?
Heidi
Hi Valerie,
I think it’s a great idea to do some work on your self worth. Being that you said you are worried he will forget about you, tells me much of your identity and self esteem is wrapped up in other people.
There are 2 different ways we function. It’s called internal locus of control (our inside defines our value, our worth, what we believe etc.) vs. external locus of control (the outside – other people / things – define our value, worth and what we believe). We all use both, BUT you want your main source of functioning to come from your internal locus of control.
That being said, you being worried he will forget about you, is a low self worth kind of statement. You are wanting him to remember you and value you instead of you valuing yourself, whether or not he remembers you. You are looking to him to make you feel good about yourself.
In an ideal situation, you would cut ties completely and stay away from him. No open doors. You are playing with fire keeping doors open to him on any level. However, I know you have strong feelings and that is something you may not feel you have the strength to do at this time. You were a single mom before you met him and you were figuring it out, right? You don’t NEED his help to get through things. You can find other ways to get any kind of help that you need. And he is right…you deserve more than having an affair. Just because there is chemistry, does not mean it should be acted upon. I understand how hard that is though! A guy I have been running into, many times, for the past 3 years….we have an incredible amount of chemistry. Almost all parts of me wanted to jump in and explore the possibilities. But there was something not right and as I got to know him better through several conversations, I saw how much we were different. To this very day, he gives me butterflies every time I see him, but because I have told myself “No! he is not an option. You want more in a relationship than what he has to offer and I am not settling!” over and over and over again until I got it into my system, I now can be okay and not feel that need to go any further than our occasional conversations.
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Dana! Great to hear from you!
Okay, let’s see if I can give you some ideas. First off, workouts lasting more than 60 minutes (including warmup) actually have been shown to cause more damage. I am not sure if you are used to working out longer than that. How many days a week do you lift? What are you doing in the morning to take care of Cass? What’s your morning routine with him?
Here are some ideas….is there any possible way for you to do SOME of your workouts at home? What about hiring someone to come walk Cass midmorning? What would it take for you to get to the gym in the evening? I know it’s just not happening, so what is getting in the way?
You don’t suck at change. Your entire life has changed up, so of course it’s going to be difficult to figure all of this out at first. There is a learning curve you gotta get past. The goal is to not lose yourself in the process.
Heidi
Hi Eva,
lol! I love that you were eating some good food! Hopefully you were enjoying the company just as much…
As far as your friend, I must have misunderstood somewhere along the way. Either way, it doesn’t really matter. I was more encouraging you to create your own design since you had commented that you wanted what she had. But it makes more sense now as you just were saying you wanted that kind of deep, sustainable relationship.
Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Heidi
Oh I am so sorry to hear this! This is not about a man’s ego that he isn’t apologetic or feeling bad about his actions. This is HIS personality. If you choose to stay, he will cheat again. He will lie again. The fact that he isn’t feeling bad, hasn’t apologized, he rationalized his choice, he said he can’t choose….all of those things pretty much guarantee that he will cheat again and he felt okay about his choices, even lying to you. I am going to be very blunt here, but he doesn’t really love you in the way that you love him. If he can’t choose between you and this other girl, what kind of love is that??? The reality is, his heart is not really fully invested in your or the relationship. This is not about you, but instead about who he is as a man. He is still very young and has a lot of growing up to do.
If you continue to move forward with him, you will just be teaching him that he could do his worst to you and he still won’t lose you.
Your choice is hard either way. If you leave, you will hurt like crazy. If you stay, you will hurt like crazy because you can’t trust him. Look…no one will ever replace him. That’s not how love works. Your heart is like a tree. The branch that has grown and is connected to him and is full of leaves, now needs to die off. You will love again, but it will be another branch that will grow. It’s not about replacing him, as love is different with every single person. I understand you can’t even imagine this as you are young. I have loved a handful of times in my life. Every single one was different and every single one was VERY fulfilling at the time.
I know you are confused as you are faced with a very difficult decision. If you stay, you are choosing to be with a cheater. If you leave, you have to face the heartbreak.
Heidi
Hi Eva,
I love your honesty! Thank you for sharing your feelings about your “crumple button” (LOVE that phrase) that I triggered. I understand what you are saying and how you feel. I can totally see how what I said would trigger, so I am sorry! Let me explain a little further and see if I can clarify more.
I have no doubt they have a lot of depth with each other. I was more meaning to say that depth is relative and limitless…AND there are many different areas of depth in a relationship. Their choices to live alone and stay in an open relationship will prevent them from going to a certain level of depth in certain categories. However, that does not mean they can’t have a very deep and authentic, growing relationship with each other in all the other categories of depth. There is a level of depth that can be reached when 2 people live in the same space. There is a merging and a unity that can happen when living together. But like you said, that doesn’t mean living together guarantees depth and quality in the other areas of the relationship. Your friends design of how she interacts in relationship works for her. She is happy with what she offer and receives in return and it works for her. All I was saying that you are different. I know on the outside, your friend’s design of how she experiences her relationships looks amazing, but again….you gotta do YOU and find what works for you.
When it comes to Paul, you just are not in enough pain yet to let him go. He does not respect, honor nor value women in general. And that’s okay…he gets to be like that! It sounds like you may need to just keep getting hurt by him until you finally disconnect and block him from your phone and face the hole that is left inside. And that’s okay! I’ve done that more times than I can count. And 100% of the time, I knew what I was getting into and I would get stung again and again until I was finally done with hurting and being used. It’s a rough path and not a very kind thing to do to yourself, but none the less – it is your choice and your life and you are the only one who can say when you are done.
You are behaving EXACTLY like that youtube video I sent. You are in withdrawal and you still reaching out to get your “fix.” It’s hard Eva because he does feel good. AND…you know it’s all false. It’s not an authentic, nourishing feel good…it’s a feel good that is harmful for you. But like I said, if it’s what you want to keep accepting, then you get to do that!
Your goal then, is to keep loving on yourself. Again….go back to the question: What is he doing or giving to me, that I am not willing to do myself???Heidi
Hi Valerie!
Welcome! We are glad you are here.
You are in a really tough situation here. It sounds you both have the beginning of a relationship that has some potential. I don’t think I am going to say anything that you don’t instinctively already know though. The reality is, he is unavailable.
You need to let him face the reality of his choice to keep fighting for a “dead” relationship. You being involved in his life can just make it all last a lot longer. As long as you are in the picture, he gets some of his needs met by having a “friend” who makes him feel good and activate that wonderful chemistry. As long as he is getting some needs met by you, he isn’t fully in the reality of his choice to stay in a marriage that isn’t healthy for him.
You also do not want to be that woman who creates the opportunity for him to cheat. It would be a VERY destructive choice and would most likely shatter any chance of you both exploring a relationship with each other.
He needs to deal with his situation. He needs to face his choices. He needs to be in a enough pain, discomfort or suffering in order to make a different choice, and it’s obvious he is just not there yet…and who knows when he will be. Until that point, it would be the most honorable and kind thing to let go of the idea of him…both for yourself and for him. He is not available for you to explore a relationship with. If you started an affair, it’s pretty much guaranteed to fail, as the relationship is built on lying and will be FULL of all kinds of drama and chaos…AND you would be choosing a guy who breaks his integrity and runs from his problems instead of facing them.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I hope all of this is okay to say and helps bring some clarity.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Dayana,
It sounds like you both have not on been on the same page for awhile now. It sounds like you both have some different needs and are not communicating very well about all of it.
He just doesn’t sound very invested in the relationship. Yes, you may have some insecurities, but so does he. Has he ever admitted to wanting to work on that? Has he ever been interested in working on himself so he can be a better partner for you? You said you would work on your insecurities. What was he willing to work on? The challenges in this marriage are not just about you. He contributes and re-enforces the insecurities you feel. Was he willing to work on any of those aspects?
He sounds like the kind of guy that isn’t really willing to do the work. I know you want him to change his mind, but that does not mean your marriage would change. The behaviors would be the same and you both would just continue to go through the same patterns over and over again unless you decided to do something different. Maybe you can make this suggestion, “Before we go through this divorce, would you be willing to see a couples counselor? I understand you are ready to separate and I accept that. I also would like for this ending to be peaceful and respectful to each other. I think going to a counselor would be helpful. I have a lot to learn about being a better partner and having a 3rd party will be helpful to navigate more peacefully through this. Would you be willing to do something like that?”
Is this something that is possible for you both?
Heidi
Hi Jimmie,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know how shocking it is to all of a sudden have everything change and that makes it worse because it doesn’t make any sense.
How long have you been together? How many times have you actually seen each other beyond the 2x when you first met?
Long distance is so tough trying to get to know someone. Reality is, you end up only knowing parts of them, no matter how much you talk and connect. You are now learning about how he handles a stressful situation. You are learning he is not a good communicator. You are learning he has the ability to just cut you off in an instant and not tell you why. You are now learning the avoids talking about all of this. He doesn’t seem to be very well skilled at problem solving. That is a BIG red flag. Imagine that he responds like this whenever a stressful enough situation shows up in his life or your relationship? It’s a lot for you to deal with.
It’s time for you to set some boundaries around this. You are just going along for the ride and letting him do whatever it is that he wants to do. It is okay for you and your feelings to matter. He NEEDS to know that you have boundaries and require him to behave better. He needs to feel your strength and self respect. You can say something like, “Let’s set a date to talk. In that conversation, I want the truth and I want to understand what is happening. By the end of the conversation, I would like to be on the same page of what the next steps forward are. If we are going to break up, then that needs to be clear. If we are going to keep working through this, then let’s make a plan. I am no longer willing to be confused and strung along. It’s time to make a clear decision and create some resolution. When can you talk?”
How does this approach make you feel?
heidi
Hi Ayisat,
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. To hear something like that from a friend and then to try to get an answer and have him continually avoid the conversation…is so difficult and painful. He not only broke his integrity, but now he is making wait until “he” is ready to talk about it. No doubt the distance makes all of this much more difficult.
It sounds like no matter what he has done, that you are going to forgive him. You love him and don’t want to lose him. Is this accurate? If yes, I want to caution you. This can teach a him that he can do whatever it is that he wants to do and you will forgive him. Whenever cheating has occurred, the number one way to repair cheating is communication and then creating a plan about how to work through this major break in integrity and re-building trust. I always suggest working with an expert to help the couple navigate through this very difficult terrain. The challenge is you both live apart. How far apart do you live? It’s been 4 years, so is there a plan about when you can come back together? How long were you together before the long distance thing happened?
I’m glad you are taking some space for yourself. The first thing I recommend is to stop texting him about it. I’m not sure if this is how you are communicating with him, but if it is, it is NOT a good way to talk about it. It needs to be face to face and in person if possible. The second thing I recommend is instead of trying to force him on the spot to talk about this, try setting up a date to talk about it. You can say something like, “You know we need to talk. How about I come up this weekend and we sit down and talk this through.” Or “Let’s set a time to talk about this. Are you able to talk on Friday evening?” And set a time that is sooner than later and not a few weeks away. He is being VERY disrespectful and uncaring about you in all of this and you need to set some boundaries around this, so you can exist in this relationship as well vs. just sitting back and letting him tell you “when he feels like it.” That is not okay. If he continues to refuse and avoid setting a time to talk about this, then you have a decision to make. It may have been wonderful for 4 years, but now he is showing you a different side to himself and what he is capable of. It’s important information to know and consider about him.
How does this approach make you feel?
Heidi
Dana!
Thank you for the update! I am so glad it worked out that your negative friend couldn’t go….especially considering what your new pup has to deal with. It breaks my heart to hear what he possibly went through.
Listen…you can do this! You need to go to the gym. Your pup will be okay. It is sooooo important for you to get your anxiety under control, first and foremost. If you don’t, your dog is going to feel that INSTANTLY and he will not feel safe around you. He will sense your instability, therefore he won’t be able to relax and let you be the pack leader. GO TO THE GYM!!! Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself balanced. No, you won’t be able to go as long, but that’s okay. Get SOMETHING done and then go home. You are doing both you and him a favor by keeping yourself balanced.
Have you ever heard of the app Headspace? Maybe that is something you can do to help keep you grounded. I have had dogs mostly living in apartments and yes, it’s work, but it’s do-able. You will figure this out…you and your Casanova just need more time. It’s a BIG learning curve for both of you right now. Have some patience….you are committed to making this happen, so trust that it will all work out as you iron out all the kinks.
Heidi
Hi Avril,
This is going to be hard to hear maybe, but the truth is, you are powerless here. You cannot change that his ex is abusive and manipulative. You cannot change that he is facing a ton of fear. You cannot change that his son is being greatly damaged by their choices. It’s an awful feeling to be powerless. I would say it’s one of the most avoided feelings. People will do everything and anything to avoid feeling powerless.
One of the best ways to deal with it, is to accept it. In that acceptance, you can still find your power…within yourself. You do have choices here. You cannot change him or his situation, but can use your voice and state your needs. You can set boundaries. You can communicate more and be honest with him.
If you are not willing to do any of that and you want to continue to not exist in this relationship, then you get to do that too. I understand he is the first guy who hasn’t been abusive so of course you are wanting to hold onto him for dear life…you feel safe and honored and respected by him. Do you think you can treat yourself the same way? You cannot ask anyone to respect you when you don’t respect yourself. Staying quiet and shoving your feelings away is not respecting yourself. It’s not about telling him what to do, it’s about existing in your relationship by using your voice, saying how you feel, setting boundaries and asking for what you need. If he cannot handle any of that, then he is making his choice. He is not relationship material.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi EB,
You ask the most common question….why? Why isn’t it happening for me when it’s happening for everyone around me? Why can “she” have that and I somehow am not able to have that?
If I had the answer to that question, I would be a gazillionaire! There is no one answer as it is different for each person AND there is always the “x” factor to consider. There is always something that is unknown in a question like this…always. So this is always what I return home to…I don’t know the FULL answer, but what I DO know is that I am loveable and regardless what shows up in my life, I will keep growing and learning and value every moment, every breath I get to take.
So the first thing I want to invite you to do is not to compare yourself to your friend. She has her own path. She may be well loved and liked by many, but she is not well known. Living her “single” life and the way she creates her world, is a wonderful way to interact with a ton of people, but also a way to keep herself safe from being known on a very deep level by living with someone, by committing, by deep diving into an experience with another human being. That is HER design and HER path…not yours. You are trying to do it her way and that will never work. She is made up of a gazillion memories and experiences that are personal to her and is part of why she chooses this kind of design for her life… and why it will never work or fit for anyone else. I want to encourage you to really look at what kind of experience YOU want to create for yourself.
Casual sex has it consequences on so many levels. I’m not saying it can’t work, but you pay a certain price living that kind of lifestyle. You can flip the coin and say the very same thing about being in a committed relationship. No matter the path you take or what design you create for yourself, what will make or break the experience of that path are the CORE reasons behind your choices and how you choose to handle whatever triggers arise. For example, I just listened to a podcast of 3 men, VERY AWAKE and conscious / spiritual men, talking about polyamory and why they chose that path with their partners and all the moments where they were DEEPLY triggered. Even though that is a lifestyle that would ever suit my personality and my design, I highly respected and appreciated that their choices came from deep within their hearts and as triggers showed up, they immediately dealt with them and faced them head on, looking at the core truth within themselves and their choices and healing those very deep wounds that got triggered.
I understand your desire to want to design a life similar to your friend…she sounds quite successful and in alignment with who she wants to be. So what is YOUR design? What do you want to REALLY experience?
Heidi
Hi Avril,
You have been through a lot and I can tell, by your thought process and the patterns you are admitting to, you have been not very well loved or valued…and I am so sorry for that.
The greatest gift all of that abuse can give you, is to teach you to love yourself, first and foremost. It’s a very basic principle, yet far from easy. When you REALLY love and care for yourself, then you will attract someone who will do the same. The guys you attract will directly reflect how you feel about yourself.
I understand you have never felt like this about a man before. It’s going to be a new feeling for you to feel safe with a man and I have no doubt, you are partly equating that to love. I grew up with a ton of abuse and my version of love was sooooo tainted and messed up! I started professional help when I was 17 and have never stopped since. I am 45 now and I will tell you, I love myself more and more. The kinds of people that I am so privileged to know these days, is incredible! I also know I am worthy of knowing those kinds of people because I am incredible as well, even with all of my humanness and limitations and insecurities…and believe me, I have plenty!
That is the place you want to get to….knowing your value and how you want to be treated and requiring that from ANYONE who you invite into your inner, most precious areas of your heart.
I’m not saying you tell him what to do, as that is not the most effective way to inspire your guy to shift. What he is dealing with may be immovable for him, but you can do your best. What is most important is that you fight for yourself. I know you want to be loved and feel affection and connection from him, but not at the expense of you. It is not being selfish to have standards of how you are treated. It is not selfish to have boundaries. It is not selfish to have needs.
Whenever you need to communicate something difficult, you want to talk in the “I” format and combine it with positive as well. He is going to feel overwhelmed with what he is dealing with, so this is a fine line you are walking. However, know that it not your fault. Know that if he runs away, that is HIS choice and he showing you something very important that you NEED to know about your guy. You need a guy who will fight for himself. You need a guy who also has standards as to how he is treated. You need a guy who has boundaries. You need a guy who will not run when things get tough and when you communicate your needs. So far, he is not turning out to be that kind of guy. So we shall see what happens as you try some different things.
Let’s start with a conversation that could go something like this: “I know how stressed you are. I can’t even imagine what it would feel like to not be able to see my child. I’m so sorry you are going through all of this. I know you having me in your life right now is what is triggering her to behave this way. (so first you are validating – then next you lead into questions…you get curious about what he is thinking and feeling about all of open up the platform for him to vent and share his struggles) What would it take to get things under control again? How is all of this making YOU feel? What kinds of ideas do you have to help resolve this? Have you ever talked to a lawyer? Has she done this to you before? Then you can ask…what can I do to help? How can I best support you? (this is leading into somewhat of a problem solving direction. Then you can lead into some of how you feel) Listen, it’s stressful for me watching you go through this and receiving texts from her in this way. The first thing I am going to do is block her number. I do not have any interest in her contacting me anymore. I will be honest and am afraid of losing you. I am sure you have had thoughts of ending things so you don’t end up losing your son. I get it and I wouldn’t blame you. I am not sure how I feel about that at the moment. I care deeply for you, but I also am not interested in losing what little time you and I have left to keep getting to know each other. This is not an ultimatum or anything…this is just a conversation where I am sharing my experience. My interest is in supporting you through this and continuing to get to know you, but I also can’t be pushed aside. I would like to figure this out. What are your thoughts about this?”
How does that approach make you feel? I know it’s a lot to digest…
Heidi
Oh Avril,
I am so sorry! There is a lot happening here and it’s horrible. Thank you for being here and sharing your story.
My heart broke when you told me what happened to you at 17. It’s horrific. I am just so sorry. I hope you were able to get some help so you could heal from that. That is not something you want haunting you for the rest of your life.
My first thought is that your guy needs to step up and set some boundaries. He is LETTING her ruin his life. Instead of inviting her into his house when she was drunk, he should have called the police. He could easily get a restraining order on her as she is crossing the line all over the place. And now she is using his son against him and it’s working. He needs to take her to court and get court ordered custody so she can’t make those kinds of decisions without consequences.
If he is not willing to put up those kinds of boundaries with her, then he is not the kind of guy you want to end up with anyways. There is reason he isn’t putting up boundaries…he either isn’t very good at it or he is really addicted to the drama (subconsciously) and doesn’t want to let it go. His ex is a GREAT reason to sabotage any successful relationship. My guess is, if he attracted someone like her in the first place, he has a lot of baggage…and you are slowly learning about all of that.
Have you talked to him about setting boundaries with her? He isn’t doing anything to protect himself or you in this relationship.
Heidi
