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Dana!
Thank you for the update! I am so glad it worked out that your negative friend couldn’t go….especially considering what your new pup has to deal with. It breaks my heart to hear what he possibly went through.
Listen…you can do this! You need to go to the gym. Your pup will be okay. It is sooooo important for you to get your anxiety under control, first and foremost. If you don’t, your dog is going to feel that INSTANTLY and he will not feel safe around you. He will sense your instability, therefore he won’t be able to relax and let you be the pack leader. GO TO THE GYM!!! Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself balanced. No, you won’t be able to go as long, but that’s okay. Get SOMETHING done and then go home. You are doing both you and him a favor by keeping yourself balanced.
Have you ever heard of the app Headspace? Maybe that is something you can do to help keep you grounded. I have had dogs mostly living in apartments and yes, it’s work, but it’s do-able. You will figure this out…you and your Casanova just need more time. It’s a BIG learning curve for both of you right now. Have some patience….you are committed to making this happen, so trust that it will all work out as you iron out all the kinks.
Heidi
Hi Avril,
This is going to be hard to hear maybe, but the truth is, you are powerless here. You cannot change that his ex is abusive and manipulative. You cannot change that he is facing a ton of fear. You cannot change that his son is being greatly damaged by their choices. It’s an awful feeling to be powerless. I would say it’s one of the most avoided feelings. People will do everything and anything to avoid feeling powerless.
One of the best ways to deal with it, is to accept it. In that acceptance, you can still find your power…within yourself. You do have choices here. You cannot change him or his situation, but can use your voice and state your needs. You can set boundaries. You can communicate more and be honest with him.
If you are not willing to do any of that and you want to continue to not exist in this relationship, then you get to do that too. I understand he is the first guy who hasn’t been abusive so of course you are wanting to hold onto him for dear life…you feel safe and honored and respected by him. Do you think you can treat yourself the same way? You cannot ask anyone to respect you when you don’t respect yourself. Staying quiet and shoving your feelings away is not respecting yourself. It’s not about telling him what to do, it’s about existing in your relationship by using your voice, saying how you feel, setting boundaries and asking for what you need. If he cannot handle any of that, then he is making his choice. He is not relationship material.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi EB,
You ask the most common question….why? Why isn’t it happening for me when it’s happening for everyone around me? Why can “she” have that and I somehow am not able to have that?
If I had the answer to that question, I would be a gazillionaire! There is no one answer as it is different for each person AND there is always the “x” factor to consider. There is always something that is unknown in a question like this…always. So this is always what I return home to…I don’t know the FULL answer, but what I DO know is that I am loveable and regardless what shows up in my life, I will keep growing and learning and value every moment, every breath I get to take.
So the first thing I want to invite you to do is not to compare yourself to your friend. She has her own path. She may be well loved and liked by many, but she is not well known. Living her “single” life and the way she creates her world, is a wonderful way to interact with a ton of people, but also a way to keep herself safe from being known on a very deep level by living with someone, by committing, by deep diving into an experience with another human being. That is HER design and HER path…not yours. You are trying to do it her way and that will never work. She is made up of a gazillion memories and experiences that are personal to her and is part of why she chooses this kind of design for her life… and why it will never work or fit for anyone else. I want to encourage you to really look at what kind of experience YOU want to create for yourself.
Casual sex has it consequences on so many levels. I’m not saying it can’t work, but you pay a certain price living that kind of lifestyle. You can flip the coin and say the very same thing about being in a committed relationship. No matter the path you take or what design you create for yourself, what will make or break the experience of that path are the CORE reasons behind your choices and how you choose to handle whatever triggers arise. For example, I just listened to a podcast of 3 men, VERY AWAKE and conscious / spiritual men, talking about polyamory and why they chose that path with their partners and all the moments where they were DEEPLY triggered. Even though that is a lifestyle that would ever suit my personality and my design, I highly respected and appreciated that their choices came from deep within their hearts and as triggers showed up, they immediately dealt with them and faced them head on, looking at the core truth within themselves and their choices and healing those very deep wounds that got triggered.
I understand your desire to want to design a life similar to your friend…she sounds quite successful and in alignment with who she wants to be. So what is YOUR design? What do you want to REALLY experience?
Heidi
Hi Avril,
You have been through a lot and I can tell, by your thought process and the patterns you are admitting to, you have been not very well loved or valued…and I am so sorry for that.
The greatest gift all of that abuse can give you, is to teach you to love yourself, first and foremost. It’s a very basic principle, yet far from easy. When you REALLY love and care for yourself, then you will attract someone who will do the same. The guys you attract will directly reflect how you feel about yourself.
I understand you have never felt like this about a man before. It’s going to be a new feeling for you to feel safe with a man and I have no doubt, you are partly equating that to love. I grew up with a ton of abuse and my version of love was sooooo tainted and messed up! I started professional help when I was 17 and have never stopped since. I am 45 now and I will tell you, I love myself more and more. The kinds of people that I am so privileged to know these days, is incredible! I also know I am worthy of knowing those kinds of people because I am incredible as well, even with all of my humanness and limitations and insecurities…and believe me, I have plenty!
That is the place you want to get to….knowing your value and how you want to be treated and requiring that from ANYONE who you invite into your inner, most precious areas of your heart.
I’m not saying you tell him what to do, as that is not the most effective way to inspire your guy to shift. What he is dealing with may be immovable for him, but you can do your best. What is most important is that you fight for yourself. I know you want to be loved and feel affection and connection from him, but not at the expense of you. It is not being selfish to have standards of how you are treated. It is not selfish to have boundaries. It is not selfish to have needs.
Whenever you need to communicate something difficult, you want to talk in the “I” format and combine it with positive as well. He is going to feel overwhelmed with what he is dealing with, so this is a fine line you are walking. However, know that it not your fault. Know that if he runs away, that is HIS choice and he showing you something very important that you NEED to know about your guy. You need a guy who will fight for himself. You need a guy who also has standards as to how he is treated. You need a guy who has boundaries. You need a guy who will not run when things get tough and when you communicate your needs. So far, he is not turning out to be that kind of guy. So we shall see what happens as you try some different things.
Let’s start with a conversation that could go something like this: “I know how stressed you are. I can’t even imagine what it would feel like to not be able to see my child. I’m so sorry you are going through all of this. I know you having me in your life right now is what is triggering her to behave this way. (so first you are validating – then next you lead into questions…you get curious about what he is thinking and feeling about all of open up the platform for him to vent and share his struggles) What would it take to get things under control again? How is all of this making YOU feel? What kinds of ideas do you have to help resolve this? Have you ever talked to a lawyer? Has she done this to you before? Then you can ask…what can I do to help? How can I best support you? (this is leading into somewhat of a problem solving direction. Then you can lead into some of how you feel) Listen, it’s stressful for me watching you go through this and receiving texts from her in this way. The first thing I am going to do is block her number. I do not have any interest in her contacting me anymore. I will be honest and am afraid of losing you. I am sure you have had thoughts of ending things so you don’t end up losing your son. I get it and I wouldn’t blame you. I am not sure how I feel about that at the moment. I care deeply for you, but I also am not interested in losing what little time you and I have left to keep getting to know each other. This is not an ultimatum or anything…this is just a conversation where I am sharing my experience. My interest is in supporting you through this and continuing to get to know you, but I also can’t be pushed aside. I would like to figure this out. What are your thoughts about this?”
How does that approach make you feel? I know it’s a lot to digest…
Heidi
Oh Avril,
I am so sorry! There is a lot happening here and it’s horrible. Thank you for being here and sharing your story.
My heart broke when you told me what happened to you at 17. It’s horrific. I am just so sorry. I hope you were able to get some help so you could heal from that. That is not something you want haunting you for the rest of your life.
My first thought is that your guy needs to step up and set some boundaries. He is LETTING her ruin his life. Instead of inviting her into his house when she was drunk, he should have called the police. He could easily get a restraining order on her as she is crossing the line all over the place. And now she is using his son against him and it’s working. He needs to take her to court and get court ordered custody so she can’t make those kinds of decisions without consequences.
If he is not willing to put up those kinds of boundaries with her, then he is not the kind of guy you want to end up with anyways. There is reason he isn’t putting up boundaries…he either isn’t very good at it or he is really addicted to the drama (subconsciously) and doesn’t want to let it go. His ex is a GREAT reason to sabotage any successful relationship. My guess is, if he attracted someone like her in the first place, he has a lot of baggage…and you are slowly learning about all of that.
Have you talked to him about setting boundaries with her? He isn’t doing anything to protect himself or you in this relationship.
Heidi
Eva! This is sooooo wonderful to hear!!! I am just sooo happy that you finally cut ties and feel really good about it! It sounds like you figured it out and the end result is closure for you and that is what matters. If you start to feel a pull back to him and want to start texting him again, use your girlfriends for help. Let them know and have them help you through those sticking points (if they show up). It’s always good to have a plan and prepare for could happen.
I’m also happy to hear your single girlfriend inspires you! Being single and really getting to know yourself without a man, is a spectacular process. Yes, there are moments where you will crave connection with a man, but those moments are also important for you to learn how to connect with yourself and not look for man to fill those holes. When you approach it that way….you start to fill those holes yourself and become much more solid…which in turns raises your vibration and energy so as to attract a much healthier man, because you are more healthy. It’s all worth it! Being single is a lot of fun! If you need some ideas about adjusting to that mindset and lifestyle, just let us know!
Heidi
Hi Angela,
Thank you for being here and sharing your story with us. This is a difficult situation as the long distance part really makes thing very challenging.
I just have a few questions. How long has it been long distance out of the 4 years? If I understand correctly, he cannot come visit you and marry you because he was rejected by the embassy. Does that mean there can be no more visits? Do you guys frequently visit each other at all? Are you able to go visit him?
One of the very best things you can do is to give him some space. Something has happened and he won’t tell you. Marriage is also very scary, especially if his parents do not even know about you. Is he close with his parents? What is the age difference between you guys?
Lastly, he also lost his job. Losing his job and getting rejected by the embassy is a lot of stress. For men, they NEED a way to produce things in life. It is a very important part of who they are. So when they lose a job, it literally can make them feel quite worthless and powerless. I have seen and experienced relationships fall apart when the man lost his job. Men have a VERY hard time doing anything, especially being in a relationship, when their careers or jobs are not in order. And then to add long distance to the equation and then to add being rejected by the embassy….he just may be feeling very defeated and so he is shutting down emotionally.
Give him some time and space. Don’t send him anymore money, stop emailing and contacting him and let him have some time to himself. See what happens. The more you chase him, the further away he will run right now. If he doesn’t see and feel how valuable you are in his life when you pull away, then he is not someone you want to marry. I understand the intensity of connection you feel. My last relationship was twin flame type of connection and it didn’t work out. Twin flames energy is so intense and beautiful, but it does not guarantee you are meant to be together forever. In fact, many times those relationships don’t last. He has to choose to fight for himself, you cannot do that for him. By trying to rescue him by sending him money and trying to re-connect, he is not figuring out his own life…who he is as a man. So give him some space to figure that out and re-create his identity.
This is just a starting place.Do you feel you can do that?
Heidi
Hi Anne,
Thank you for sharing more details. It is helpful!
First, you have been through a lot. Being a victim of a crime is so traumatizing and if you didn’t have anyone to help you through something like that, I can see why you were in a very challenging headspace. I’m soooo glad there is that program where you can get help and that you started that process. That’s wonderful!!! If I understand correctly though, you do not want to stay where you are at. You want to go back home?? Even though you don’t have the money right now to move back home, you DO have help and that is invaluable. It’s worth it to stay to get help before you return back home where the trauma happened. You have some new friends and you even have a new job offer. It sounds like doors are opening up for you there!
I’m also guessing you and this guy have not been together for very long. I’m assuming you met each other when you moved there 6 months ago…yes?
If that is true, I can see why he would feel overwhelmed. The beginning of relationships are meant to be a time of a lot of fun and play and getting to know each other…for a good 6-8 months. Unfortunately, you have a trauma you have to deal with, so it changes the situation and how you guys interact with each other. It just sounds like he felt a ton of pressure and when there isn’t a strong foundation for a relationship that has been built over a lot of time together, it’s easy for the relationship to crumble when there is enough pressure.Again, if you focus on yourself and work on your healing and give him some space, he may return to experience the new you that is stronger and more empowered.
Can you share more about his perspective? When he said the relationship was too much work, do you understand what he was meaning by that? Do you understand his perspective and agree with him? Or did you have a different experience than him?
Heidi
Hi Anne,
I am so sorry to hear this. I know your heart is broken right now. Aside from needing space, did he give you any other reasons? It’s important to make sure that you don’t start creating stories about what is happening, unless there is evidence of that. Your 6 months of self loathing and being in a rut may have contributed, but he has part in this as well. He has limitations and is human as well, so don’t “blame” yourself for having a difficult phase in your life. You are human and you did the very best that you could at the time.
No regrets. Regrets are dangerous and toxic. Forgive yourself for being limited. Forgive yourself for struggling. Forgive yourself for not being enough for him. You are learning and growing and that’s what is most important here. Keep your focus and attention in the present moment and work on letting go of the past so you can move forward with much more ease. You might be surprised….anything can happen. As you lift your spirits and become more of who you are, he may end up coming back around. If not him, then another guy who matched you better. I know you couldn’t imagine that right now and that’s okay. The point is, it’s important for you to love yourself through this. Make sure you really lean on your friends right now. Make sure you are taking really good care of yourself with healthy food, exercise and having some fun. Whenever I am intensely sad, animals help me a lot. I will go find some horses to brush, dogs to walk, cats to pet etc. So you want to find activities that help nourish your broken heart. It will help you heal.
I’m curious about the rut you were in. Can you explain a little further and why you think that is the cause of this? What was his response to you during this time?
Heidi
Hi Lina,
Another thing I thought of that may be helpful is if he became more educated about dreams itself. I find it really interesting that he feels he is “in love” with her, because of how intense his dreams are about her. Dreams can feel very real, however not really meant to be taken literal….although it can feel that way. Dreams can be so many different things from being predictive, to being a reflection of your personal relationship with yourself, to being messages. Very rarely are they meant to be taken literal. Denise Linn is a dream expert among many other things. She is a Native Indian who has many talents and takes a very interesting approach to dreams. Here is the link. http://www.deniselinn.com/Books.htm
If that book doesn’t resonate with you, there are MANY others out there. If you just google the topic, I’m sure you will have a myriad of choices. It might be a helpful thing for him to understand what is REALLY happening with his dreams. I know there are also dream experts out there that can help him interpret what is happening for him. Maybe doing a few sessions with a dream expert, if he is willing, could break his personal interpretation of what he is believing he feels about this other woman.
I know that whenever I have some intense dreams that affect how I am feeling in a negative way or causing me to feel disoriented or confused, I always ask for light to come in and surround my dreams and me and to show me the truth behind the messages of my dream.
Another thing I always do whenever there is confusion, is say the statement, “I choose to see this person or situation through eyes of truth. Or…I ask to see the truth about this situation.” You both can be making that statement and proclamation and you might be surprised what ends up coming out.Just another thought…
Heidi
Hi Amber,
I am so sorry! I know how you feel. I have had many of those moments in my life where I sat by my phone just dying to hear back from the guy and doing everything I could to not contact him and having a gazillion thoughts about what went wrong. It’s such a horrible place to be in.
You have lost yourself. It’s time to find yourself again and get you centered and back into your confidence. You haven’t done anything wrong. This is such a new relationship and you barely know him. This is why holding off on sex for awhile is really important. It helps to create a more authentic experience. For men, it’s much easier to have sex and have some fun and then have another lady they want to conquer and have sex with her and have fun etc….you know the type….players. They come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. And he is being quite the chicken by slowly disconnecting and hoping you get the point so he doesn’t have to say to you, “It’s not working out.” You are more than welcome to keep waiting and hoping he will respond. But if you are going to do that, you need to find your center again and get grounded in the reality that you barely know this guy and there you are, expending all of your thought and energy on him. He has not earned the right to have this much attention from you. You are valuable and worth fighting for!!! He does not know that and the only way he, or any guy for that matter, will know that is when you start treating yourself that way.
No more texting him. No more you initiating plans. No more sex. If he doesn’t align and respond to you, then you know he isn’t truly invested in you. It doesn’t mean he is bad or wrong or that there is something wrong with you…it just means it’s not a match…it’s really that simple.
Is this something you are you willing to do?
Heidi
Wow! I am so sorry….ouch!!! Talk about getting some serious validation!!! That’s amazing that you met that woman! I think it is so great! First, it validates your experiences and second, it really lets you know that this is not about changing yourself, or figuring out a technique….he just is who he is and it’s really that simple.
Let’s talk about this anger more. This is not all ridiculous. Your feelings are not silly or stupid…they matter and every ounce of them are important and need to be validated and listened to. Yes, you are drawn to him intensely and trying to pull yourself off of that addiction you have to him, is terribly difficult. Again…he is giving you something you are not giving to yourself. He is helping to fill a big hole inside your heart. Vent more here….say everything you want to say to him and tell me and Kanya. We are safe people to let it all out with!!!
You are correct in that telling him is not helpful. It will fall onto deaf ears. When you try to confront someone with deep honest feelings, one of the most important key elements is that they care and would want to know. He does not fit into that category, which means you are opening yourself up to some very deep hurt. You can be honest, but in a cautious way. Keep it very simple. “I’m finally ready to really disconnect. This texting back and forth is just not enough for me anymore. What you and I want are 2 very different things and it’s time that I really honor that. It’s time to stop all of this, so let’s just agree to no longer contact each other and go our separate ways.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Ashley,
I totally understand. It really is one of the hardest parts about being in relationship with someone….you want him to be different. You want him to care about how he is making you feel and fix it and he won’t. First, the core challenge here is that again…you both are on different pages. You are no longer in a “committed” relationship, but you guys are still together in a big way. Since he has broken off the commitment, I imagine he feels he has the freedom to care less about what kind of boyfriend he is being. You however, are still just as invested as before and are viewing your connection with him with just as much desire and intensity as when you were together. You both have very different mindsets about this whole thing.
Ashley, he has broken up and as long as you keep participating in this design of still keeping connected with him as much as you are, you are going to continue to be hurt by his lack of response, his lack of care, his shifting attitude. You both are delaying the inevitable. Distance is not the issue here. He may claim it is and I’m sure that may be part of his reasoning, but there is something deeper happening here that is within HIM…of which I doubt he even fully understands. Something in him is wanting to move in a different direction and you both are terrified of that. You have been so enmeshed with each other that neither of you can’t imagine each other’s lives without the other in it. Trying to separate is terrifying. You both have lost your individual identities and now that he has “broken up” sort of…you both are getting a taste of what life feels like as an individual vs. a couple. And this gray zone of being broken up, but not really acting like it…it’s an even more painful place than if he actually really broke up. Being in the gray zone is torture, because there is no ending. It is the constant place of not knowing, constant hurt, no resolution to anything, it’s connection but not really because the commitment is gone…in the short term it feels better because you guys are getting a daily fix of each other, but the long term has a lot of harmful consequences. However, breaking off completely has intense hurt in the short term, but long term is healing. Just consider that. I understand you aren’t ready for any of that yet and that’s okay. You both will somehow work through this, as this design of being broken up but not really, will not last. Something will have to change at some point and you both will be forced to deal with it whether you are ready or not.
In the meantime, your goal is to take care of yourself. You have accepted that he isn’t responding as quickly as you would like, but it doesn’t change that it hurts every time. Getting used to it means you are just shoving your feelings away, because that is the only way to accept his choices. Your feelings matter and the one person who they need to matter most to, is you. Here is a question that is hard, but will bring you to the truth of you….What are you wanting him to do for you, that you are not willing to do for yourself? When you hurt because he isn’t responding, what are wanting from him in those moments? And then how can you meet that need for yourself?
Heidi
Hi Alina,
I’m so sorry for all that you are going through! I can see why this situation is so confusing as there are a TON of mixed messages going on here.
First and foremost, he is split. He is partly yours and partly the other woman’s. It doesn’t matter that he claims not to love her…he still has energy going in her direction. Until he closes the door on her, there is no possible way for him have any clear, moving forward direction with you. He doesn’t want to let you go, but he also does not commit. He is getting some of his needs met by another woman. So he needs to decide. In order to really be with you, fully and completely, he needs to kill off all other options….NOW! No more time.
If he is not willing to do that, then you have a decision to make. The problem with this whole situation is you both are living split lives. Divorce or not…other woman or not….be vulnerable and connected or not….you BOTH are split. I have no doubt he is also picking up on signals from you. How in the world can you be vulnerable, connected, open and honest with him, knowing he is also with another woman and you have not agreed to an open relationship? So I’m sure you have walls and a lot of hurt feelings that leak out into the relationship.
So why not open up a conversation with him asking him this question…”What would it take for you to feel like you want to fully be committed to me…and only me?” that question can open all kinds of understanding for you to see what is stopping him from being vulnerable with you on all levels. Also ask that question of yourself. Why not plan a fun date for that conversation. Get all dressed up and feel beautiful, then go to a nice restaurant with a good, cozy ambiance and have that conversation.
How does that approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Misty!
I’m curious….what is the longest period of time that you have actually been alone? Meaning, not married, not dating someone?
You are doing such a great job getting to know yourself! Spending time alone and working on figuring out who you really are, your essence, is so important! Everything you mentioned are the roles you play in your life. Your essence is who more about your character. Who are you when no one is looking? Who are you in your nature? How do you treat people naturally? What do you do for fun, even if no one was around? I love the lookout mountain by the way! I do that kind of stuff all of the time! Being in nature and observing our mother earth’s beauty is so nourishing to my soul….that is part of my essence. So I make sure that at the minimum, I get out and hike at least once a week. Most of the time, I get out about 3-4 a week…that is part of who I am. Hopefully these questions can lead you deeper into your spirit and your nature.
Another thought I had is to maybe try a different approach when talking with Brad about something you are wanting to know. I’m not sure of the kinds of questions you are asking about that is causing him to feel maxed out, but there is really an art to questions. We can help give you some ideas here, if you need help and some ideas! But my thought is…what if you asked those questions in an indirect way….in a more playful curious way? For example…instead of being direct by saying “Is there something wrong? Why am I not hearing from you when you get home?” (This is just an example…I’m not saying you say this). Instead you can say, “You have had such long days at work. I can only imagine that you when you get home, you are so tired and just want to be quiet. I know that’s probably how I would feel at the end of those long days. I don’t know how you do it!” That can open up the conversation for you to learn how he feels a the end of the day, without feeling the pressure to take care of your insecurities he knows are there by asking that first question. That’s exhausting for a man! A follow up question could be, “Is there anything I can do for you that would make the end of your work day more regenerating or helpful?” In this particular example, I know sooo many men who will open up so easily when they know they have space and woman who isn’t being needy and trying pull something from them. Do you understand the concept? So basically, it’s more about asking more indirect, fun questions that help you get to know him, it gives him opportunities to talk about himself and he feels like you want to know him. Then you will actually get more information out of him because he won’t be walled off and in protective mode.
As far as men want a woman who has her own life, it is actually more than just that. Think about what that represents. A woman who has her own life is confident, independent, thinks for herself and doesn’t “need” a man. She “wants” a man, but she doesn’t “need” a man to make her feel better. At least that is the ideal…that is what a man wants. It is exhausting for a man to constantly re-assure his woman of things, especially on the same thing. There is nothing wrong asking for help with some things. Many times I will ask for help in specific ways like, “I’m feeling insecure right now. Not hearing from you when you get home from work is hard for me. It triggers some old wounds that I am working through, so I’m not asking you to be any different. I will take care of it. But would you mind right now just telling me that I matter in your life? It will be helpful for me to hear that.” Do you see the difference how you are taking responsibility for your own insecurity and expecting HIM to change his behavior so you can feel better. AND….you get to activate his hero instinct by asking for his help.
Hopefully these give you some new ideas about how to approach getting your needs met without looking to him to make you feel better.
Does this all make sense?
Heidi
