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Hi PS,
Welcome! It’s wonderful to have you here. Let’s see if we can work you through this a bit.
I just have some more questions. When he said he couldn’t commit, did he give you any indication of fear that he has that he is aware of? How did it end with his last relationship? How long were they together?
The reason most people cannot commit, is because they are afraid of something. The fear is different for each person, but the common denominator is that the fear is big enough that it ends up stopping the person from forward movement.
Let me understand this…you guys were having daily contact, but only saw each other occasionally? And when you were together, it was amazing, but if you didn’t see each other for awhile, he became distant and disconnected? Meaning, you guys talked less and less or you kept talking, but he just seemed more emotionally unavailable?
Has talked to you at all about how he feels about the breakup from his last person?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Okay! This is all making great sense!
He is right. When you texted him saying that you wish you were more like him etc, you really are assuming quite a bit about how he is feeling. I used to have guys say that same exact thing to me. They thought I wasn’t hurting, thought I was perfectly okay right after a breakup. Truth was, I was quite the master at whatever “mask” I wanted to wear and it was pretty impenetrable. It wasn’t the truth of course…it was all fake, because inside I was hurting like crazy. The truth is though…the reason I had such a good mask was because of all of the trauma in my life and it was my survival mechanism. It was a sign of how fragile I was. I didn’t have the strength to be 100% authentic.
It’s EXACLTY like what Kanya just said…when you made that statement “I wish I were more like you….” what you were really doing was looking for HIM to reassure you that he is hurting, so you know that you were valuable in his life. You were looking to him instead of connecting with your little yourself and that is what he felt….A needy little girl pining after him to make her feel better. He wants a woman who will be okay without him. He wants a woman he knows can take care of herself. That’s what most men AND women want. When “neediness” enters the picture, it pushes most people away.
Your job is to stop interpreting how he feels and putting a story on whatever his experience is. Your job is to start loving your more than you ever have before. It’s time to start looking to yourself to meet your needs and not him. When you take ownership of how you are feeling and take the pressure off of him, he will feel that internal strength and be attracted to it.
He obviously is not quite done yet. Even though he isn’t being very emotional about everything, he showed up to dinner, he walked you to your car and he asked you out again. So if you feel like you want to keep going down this road with him, meet him where he is at. Stop wanting him to be something he is not (which is more emotional), accept how he wants to handle this and just go with the flow.
I know it hurts because he is not the type of guy that wears his emotions on his sleeve, so he is very difficult to read. But remember, your job is NOT to read his story….your only job is to take care of yourself, love yourself, honor your needs and stop looking to him to do any of that for you. I know it’s hard and I know it hurts. You might find that this type of guy who is less emotional, is just not a good fit for you are at some point. My father was narcissist as well (which was part of my mask back in the day) and I used to be attracted to the same kind of guy. Through healing my heart, I no longer am attracted to men who don’t have the strength to be authentically themselves.Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Uma,
I think it is great that you ran into his best friend. He definitely confirmed that your ex is very stressed and homesick right now. I wish there was something you could do about that, but what he is struggling with, is very personal and unfortunately, has affected your relationship with him.
Do you know about the Chinese finger trap toy? It’s a round tube about 3 inches long of which you stick a finger in each end. When you try to pull your fingers back out, they get stuck or trapped. It’s weird because they easily go in, but not so easily come back out. The trick is, in order to get your fingers out, you have to do it slowly. The more you struggle or the faster you pull, the more you are guaranteed to get stuck. When you relax, have patience and actually stop pulling, that is when you can pull your fingers out.
Do you think that it could be possible that the less you struggle with trying to have things turn out the way you want, you might actually get what you want? Meaning, it sounds like he really needs to go home and until that point, everything for him is just too stressful to deal with. Maybe if you stop struggling against what is happening and really honor and understand what he REALLY needs right now, you will get exactly what you want. Of course there is no guarantee of that, but the odds are more in your favor that way vs. trying to force anything. This is just a mindset I would like to invite you to work on having. Does that make sense?
Now let’s talk about what to actually do. I still like the plan you have created which is to give him some space. He is dealing with the kind of stress you can do nothing about and has nothing to do with you. So giving him space probably feels good for him right now. It sounds like he really might be getting consumed by his need to go home. Tell me more about how it felt to hear what his best friend said to you. What is YOUR reaction to what his best friend said?
Heidi
Hi Morag,
Just checking in. How is everything going? Any new developments with your situation? Any new thoughts or realizations on your side of things?? We would love to hear and update from you!
Heidi
Hi Alila,
Just checking in. How are you feeling about your situation? Any new developments? Any thoughts about how you want to move forward with him?
Heidi
Hi Dayanna,
We haven’t heard from you in awhile, so I thought I would check in and see how you were doing. Any new developments in your relationship? Any other questions or things we can help you with?
Heidi
Hi Lana,
We haven’t heard back from you, so I thought I would just check in and see how you are doing. Any thoughts on what I suggested? Would you like other ideas? Any new developments in your situation?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. I’m wondering if you guys have brainstormed at all about how to better handle his anger so it’s less stressful. Have you guys talked about any options? Does he know how serious and stressful this is for you? I know you are not at the point of leaving the relationship, but I imagine you are uncomfortable enough that your tolerance is reaching its limit. Does he know this? Sometimes, the fear of losing someone can be a really great motivator for change.
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Thank you for sharing more. I’m so sorry about how you are feeling right now. You keep reaching out to him and he just isn’t responding in a way that makes you feel cared for, important to him and valuable in his life….and I know that’s what you want to feel with him. It hurts. Even though he is responding, HOW he is responding is actually more rejecting than if you hadn’t messaged him at all. I know how much it hurts your heart.
The most you can do is to deal with yourself right now, as you cannot change him. He is who he is and right now, he is not “caring” about you in a way that feels good. So what can you do to comfort yourself right now? Do you have some good friends you can hang out with and connect with? Movies are good “brain breaks” and can be a good distraction for a few hours. Go visit a pet store and connect with the animals, write in a journal, go buy a handful of flowers and place them around your place to beautify it, you can go to the gym and workout to get the endorphins going to help you feel good. Do you have any hobbies?
It’s really important for you to connect with yourself right now and nurture your hurting heart, instead of turning to him to make you feel better. He is causing you to hurt more, not less. Does this make sense?As far as your communication style, what are you saying or doing that would make that guys think you don’t trust them? When you initially blow up, do you just yell, or do you say mean things….or both?
One of the first guidelines I use when communicating my hurt feelings with anyone, is I make sure I do not blame them for how I am feeling. You want to use “I” statements, not “you” statements and then I get curious and ask more questions about their feelings. Many times, people mis-interpret meanings behind things, so it’s always good to get clarity and make sure you are both on the same exact page before moving forward. For example, if my guy said something that hurt my feelings, I would say something like, “When you said that, it made me feel angry and upset. I feel hurt and sad that you don’t trust me to do what I say I’m going to do. I would like to understand this more, so can you give me some examples of why you feel this way?”
A typical formula that works really well is “When you do or said………, it caused me to feel……” It’s a cause and effect statement which men understand really well. The blaming statements that cause them to get defensive sound like this “You did this” and “you are that.” The deeper truth is, nobody makes you feel anything. A guy can say something and 1 girl will react and be hurt and the next girl could care less and not have a reaction. The reactions we personally have to each situation, tells us a story about what lives deep inside us, in our subconscious. So really, our reactions to what someone says, are OUR responsibility. The person who triggers us is just the person who happened to push the button, but it’s not their fault the button is there in the first place. The button is there in the first place, because it represents old, unresolved hurt feelings from your past. And that’s why blaming someone else how you feel, isn’t appropriate. It’s putting all of your baggage onto them, when it is not theirs to have. Does this makes sense?
Heidi
Uma! You rock! You are taking very good care of yourself! Well done!
I imagine in a few weeks, if he doesn’t end up re-connecting again, it might scare you and trigger a real breakup response. But we can deal with that if that even shows up. It may not. Otherwise, keeping yourself busy, nourishing yourself, laughing, friends….everything you are doing is fantastic!!!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Of course it’s stressful! He is a loose cannon and for you to constantly have to shift and change your plans because he cannot manage his emotions…it’s a lot. I imagine even his apologies are getting tired. When someone says they are sorry over and over and over again for same exact thing, you start to get sick of the apology and need ACTION to shift the behavior, not words.Again, this is a learned behavior along with some very deep emotions that live within him constantly…and it affects you of course, as it’s supposed to. I wonder if you changed your approach to this, if it would work better for you. I imagine you know the signs of when he is starting to boil. What if you walked away at that point BEFORE he says anything? What if you only engage with him when he is quiet? What if you don’t say your peace before you walk away, but instead, get away sooner so you don’t have to be verbally abused and accosted by him?
Or maybe you guys can sit down, when everything is peaceful and quiet, maybe go out to a nice romantic dinner and create a plan together. Figure out a process to get through those moments. When he notices he is starting to head down that path, what ACTION can he take to calm himself down? Maybe he can start tapping, maybe he can give you a code word so you know the anger is beginning, maybe he can count to 50, maybe he can walk away for a few minutes to gain composure. Talk about what you can do as well? What code word can you give him when you are noticing he is heading down that path?
Here is the reality though Melissa. You are have chosen an angry man who is not taking responsibility through ACTION to change what is happening for him. He has A LOT he is carrying around in his psyche and it is not something he can just change through behavior…he needs help of some kind. Doing something like tapping can help for sure, but I wonder if he is even willing to do that. So my question to you is, how long are you willing to be in a relationship like this? What is keeping you connected to a verbally abusive man? What is happening within you that you choose to stay with a man that is so angry?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I understand the advice of your male friend. Here is real sad thing though. You don’t feel you can be honest with your guy. You don’t get to be you with him. You don’t get to be authentic. You don’t have a guy who has an interest about how he is affecting you. You don’t have a guy who is fighting for you. Instead is his ignoring everything and pretending it’s all okay, when it isn’t.
I know you have strong feelings for him and want him back. I want to ask you again…is this really what you want? This pattern of his will only continue throughout his life. Unless he decides to change at some point and really work on caring more about the other person when conflict arises, he will continue to get worse as he ages. This is really what you want? This is the kind of partnership you want to be a part of?
On your side of things, there is a way to talk through things without causing someone to feel “pressured” and not to over analyze a situation. If you go in guns blazing, of course there is going to be kickback. Is that normally how you would approach conflict with him? Is that your communications style? Let’s work on your approach as well, because at some point, it’s going to be necessary to talk to him.
Heidi
Hi Charlene,
That was fast! It sounds like maybe all you needed was permission to do what you already know you needed to do. So your decision is to end is with 2 of them? Do you need some help with how to go about it?
Heidi
Hi Eva,
Thank you for sharing all of that! You really have a lot going on right now.
My first question is, what are you doing when those thoughts about Paul keep coming up? Reality is, feelings don’t just disappear and go away. If you are expecting that just because you know he isn’t a healthy experience for you, your feelings should follow suit and disappear, you are mistaken and your expectations are unrealistic. That is why soooooo many people that break up, will end up getting back together again…and sometimes they go through that cycle many times. So what are you doing when you start to obsessively think about Paul? What ACTION are you taking to counteract your thoughts about him?
We can’t answer the exact “why” about why are not able to let him go, but my educated guess is that yes, it has to do with wounded energy. I’m so so sorry to hear about your uncle and what he did with you. Well done for speaking up!!! Did your parents ever do anything about it??? What was their reaction?? Whenever there are unresolved feelings in our lives and those get buried, they become part of our unconscious and a strong driving force in our decision making process and how we feel about ourselves and others. I know for me, whenever I have found myself being pulled into a guy that I KNOW is not healthy for me, I immediately start finding that part of myself wanting to get the attention from an unavailable man, and I discover the woundedness. Once I resolve the woundedness, I then am able to align myself easier with what my higher self wants. Being attracted to an unavailable man who treated you like a sex object is just a symptom of some deep feelings that are coming from your subconscious. If you really want to work on healing those parts, it would be good to find a coach or therapist who can help guide you through the process. They can help you heal the guilt you still feel about your parents. Basically, you are carrying a crap load of heavier emotions that carry a bunch of lies and negative beliefs. All of that influences how you show up in life, the people you are attracted to, how you feel about yourself etc. Does this answer your questions??As far as the new guy, considering you are still not complete about Paul, I think it would be smart to communicate that you are only interested in friendship. If you hop into another experience, even slowly, without resolving this thing with Paul in your heart and mind, you just create more mess for yourself. You want to honor and respect the other person as well. Imagine you really started to like this guy and you went out on several dates, shared a lot of information and although things are going slow, you started to really connect with him…only to find out he isn’t over his ex and isn’t really available for you. That would suck!!!
So as you get to know this new guy, it might be a good idea to let him know friendship is what you are offering right now. Thoughts?Heidi
Hi Uma,
That sounds like a good plan. In the meantime, let’s work on how you are feeling. Share with us some of your thoughts and feelings about what is happening. Let’s talk this through. Most times in a breakup, the person creates a story around what has happened and ends up having a lot of thoughts about themselves, the other person and the situation. They turn their emotions into “facts” and that can be very dangerous. What’s important for you in the next few weeks, is to get yourself grounded in the truth, take care of yourself and really connect into what you need right now. So we would love to help you through all of that as well.
Heidi
