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Hi Irina,
Welcome! You have a really good question! How long has he been divorced? How did you guys meet?
I know you want to show him that it’s okay to love again and that you wouldn’t hurt him in the same way. Reality is though, he is making a very clear choice to run away from his hurt instead of facing it, so he can move on. The best thing you can, is just to stay friends with him and be a good listener, supportive, encouraging etc.
If you try to push him into a relationship with you, if you try to change him on any level, he is going to run in a split second. I understand you have strong feelings for him, but he is not emotionally available for anybody right now. At some point, if he ever deals with all of his feelings and works on healing all of the hurt…then at that point he be ready again. But for now, he would a HOT MESS in any relationship. He can’t even handle you talking about your own life because it triggers him so much. That’s not even much of a friendship. He is VERY FRAGILE and you don’t want to invite that into your life. You can nurture your friendship the way you want to, but I would let go of the idea of him, as your heart will be broken many times over, because of how fragile he is. Besides, do you really want to be with a guy that is so fearful and lets that fear control him? Do you really want to be with a guy who runs from how he feels and runs from how you feel? Anytime you would confront him about something that you need, he would run the other way. Anytime you asked him for something different than what he was offering you, he would get triggered. A relationship with him would be soooooo hard!!! He would not be a good partner, because you would be left alone much of the time.
So my guidance is to really listen to him. He is who he is and the most important thing you can do is to accept him for who he wants to be instead of wanting to change him and how he feels. He wants to let fear control him. He would rather hide in a cave and try to play as safe as possible instead of come out of protective mode and live this beautiful life. And he gets to make that choice. So honor his choice and don’t try to get him to come out of the cave. He needs to make that choice all on his own.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you want something more with him as he feels good for you. I wish the chemistry was all we needed to have a good relationship, but that’s just not the case. There is so much more that goes into having a good, healthy, nourishing relationship. Maybe at some point he will change, but until then, accept what he is saying, honor it and remain friends. You need to find a man who is emotionally available and has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to know you fully and completely. That is what your heart truly desires!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca!
This is great news! I love that you guys are going to take things slowly. I’m curious though…did you guys discuss what that meant to each other? A lot of people say things like that and agree, but in the end, discover that taking things “slow” meant different things to each person. So make sure you get a VERY CLEAR and concrete picture about that means to him and what that means to you as well, so you both are on the same page.
I love that you are also going to work on yourself and develop that skillset! It’s so important! You are quite brave and resilient!!!
What exactly is he still hung up on about your Monday conversation? Do you know what he is afraid of…EXACTLY? Did you talk about how you help him resolve that?
Heidi
Hi Jeannie,
I know how hard it is to just allow someone to think something wrong about you. it’s been something I have consciously worked with throughout my life. Being misunderstood is soooo hard. I commend you on being willing to just let him think what he wants and let it go and not take responsibility for his own story. That is not an easy thing to do.
I also would like to encourage you to forgive him for his limitations. You don’t want to carry this hurt or resentment into your next experiences. You want to release all of the hurt so that you can move forward more freely. Truth is, it hurts and that needs to be processed and dealt with. Do you have ways that you know how to do that?
Heidi
Hi Samantha!
Welcome! Dating is a wonderful way to learn isn’t it? Jumping to conclusions is such an easy thing to do and very common actually. Hopefully this guy is forgiving. So after you apologized, have you heard from him since? How long has it been since you guys have connected?
Do you know what his surgery was? It’s only been a few months and some people are SUPER private. It sounds like he might be a guy who takes things slower when it comes to sharing personal things. In these few months, would you describe him as someone who is super open and shares a lot or the other way around?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
Welcome! I just have a few more questions.
Have you talked to him about how you feel? If yes, what did you say and how did he respond? I’m not sure what you are wanting from him. You want him to initiate seeing you more than 2-3x a week? Or you want just want him to initiate something? What is it like when you guys are together? Does it feel like he is interested and connected to you? What do you mean that he is lazy? Have you tried anything in particular to get his attention more?
I find it interesting that you get annoyed that you care what he thinks and that you called him a loser and that you love him…in the very same sentence. If you feel he is a loser, then I wonder why you are fighting for this. I wonder what kind of love you have for him, if you don’t respect him. Respect is a crucial part of a relationship. Without respect, it won’t last. So another approach to this, is also to look at how you really feel about him. If you want to fight for him, then lets talk about ways you can shift your perception about him as well. It will help you get more connected to him and may create a more favorable response from him.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Dana
Oh man! I am really sorry to hear this. Everything you are feeling is so normal. It makes me so frustrated to hear about how the shelter treated you. Yuk! They could have taken that opportunity to really care, but instead just shamed and blamed you. People like that are just fragile. It has nothing to do with you! I know how you feel though. It’s awful to be criticized and judged by people who have no clue what they are talking about. Let all of their words just bounce off of you. Nothing they are saying is true. Don’t you dare give them the power to ruin the wonderfulness that you are. Cass is incredibly lucky to have you!
You have a very hard decision to make Dana. I wish there were a clear cut answer here, but there just isn’t. I wish loving Cass was all that was needed. His issues are big ones though. I honestly would say, if you had a therapist to work with, they could help you through the guilt you are feeling, the loss of your mom, the verbal abuse by the shelter, how to better handle the stress of it all. From the very little I know about you, you are very hard on yourself and very sensitive (which is a good thing, but takes a lot of work to manage it in a healthy way). You need to either create a different skillset to handle everything you are feeling, or you need to find Cass another home. Yes, he is creating a HUGE challenge for you. The guilt you are feeling, the lack of fun you are having in your life because of it, the stress that is piling up is all going to break you down unless you take a different approach. It is going to take some work to release a lot of the feelings you are having and a different skillset in order to keep yourself emotionally healthy. This is so much more than just Cass. You have your mom, there is Helio, there are so many other things in your life that are piling up and there will be some major consequences if you don’t get a hold of this. So again, if you want to just keep being who you are and living your life the way you have been, I would invite you to consider finding another home for Cass. I’m sure there are people that have a yard, would love him just as much and maybe would even allow you an occasional visit if you wanted. If you really want to work on your response to your life and face all the emotions you are having and work on healing, then I have no doubt that Cass could become a permanent part of your home and you will figure it out. He is so stressful for you because you have built up so much pre-existing stress and now he is just adding on top of that.
I also think it’s just a good idea to get more information about him from the behaviorist. If they see he is workable and able to shift over time, then great! If they find that he is just a dog that is going to be like this forever, then that is important for you to consider. In the end Dana, you are more than Cass. You are no good to him being a stressed out, over taxed, on the edge mom. IF that is what you are becoming, then again…you need to fight for yourself first and foremost and if releasing him to a good home can help you find your center again and get your feet back under you, then everybody wins. He has a good home and you get closer to your balance. You will work through the loss of him. This is not your fault Dana. You are doing everything you possibly can and your love for Cass is so beautiful! I would hate to see this ruin your life though. You are at a choice point right now. You can’t keep heading in the direction you are going. So you either get some help, or relieve some of the stress.
Maybe the class you signed up for will offer you some new viewpoints, skills and a way to release some of the emotions you carry with you. What is the course about??
Thoughts?
Heidi
Wow Kyla!!!
This is wonderful to hear! You have a lot of adventures waiting for you that sound really exciting. I’m really happy for you! Thank you for the update!!
Heidi
Hi Jeannie,
Wow! I can see why this is so difficult for you. You are pretty intuitive to have picked up on something early on. Many times, when you give someone a exit, it relieves this “imagined” pressure they might be feeling. Relieving the pressure makes them have the response of “maybe this can really work” which is my guess as to why he really went in a lot stronger for a few weeks. Whatever is happening for him, is about HIM, not you. Here is the story you are creating around this, which is keeping you stuck: “he sensed some craziness in me that made it feel unsafe to just say, “you’re, this . . . whatever is not for me” Let me give you the truth: The truth is, he has something he is really afraid of. That fear is so big, that he felt he needed to disconnect. Then…another level of fear came in that would prevent him from actually being an adult and letting you know he needed to exit. I don’t know what he is so afraid of, but the truth is, you are being rescued! A man that lets fear run his life to this level, is not a man you want by your side. Another interesting, and super lame explanation is that maybe he felt so strongly for you and he knew that actually talking to you about it and trying to end things, would make him want to stay and he didn’t feel strong enough to stick to his guns about his decision. I’ve heard that one a few times and I can see how this would be very real for someone.
Regardless, I know you wanted to respect him. Now, it’s time to forgive him for being limited and inauthentic and uncaring and fooling you. Then forgive yourself for allowing yourself to hope and dream and connect with a man who wasn’t emotionally available. Then….you close the door. That’s it. No more allowing yourself to go down the rabbit hole of trying to understand what happened. It doesn’t matter anymore. Maybe someday you will find out what really happened, but for right now, you won’t get your answer. He is going to feel and think as he wants and you don’t have any power over that. What you do have power over is yourself and getting connected back to the truth about who you are, closing the door on this experience and healing your heart.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Deetta,
We are glad you are here. I am sooo sorry for what happened. That really sucks that he ghosted in the first place, but to then turn around and talk about it in your circle, is even worse. Yucky guy!
I’m curious…did he ever explain why he ghosted the first time around when he apologized? Also, tell me what happened that made you feel like the other people were looking at you that way. What did they say? What did they do that made you feel like they were feeling sorry for you?
It is so terribly hard to be criticized, judged, misunderstood etc. by others, without getting to explain your story. Public figures go through this all the time. People form all kinds of opinions about them without having any real information. It’s the reality of people….they love gossip and creating stories around other people without really caring about what they are actually doing or how harmful they are being.
What you do? First, the way you turn the tables is by staying connected to yourself. You don’t want to be like him and spread rumors or prove that he was actually the ***hole in the situation. You don’t want to cause him harm. I mean, I’m sure you do and of course you have that choice. How you handle this is about the kind of person you want to be in this world. So I’m inviting you to take the road less traveled…which means forgiving him and letting this go. You show people that you are resilient and let them feel your internal strength. Whatever stories he has told about you, can get trumped by how people feel around you. If their perception is that you are a desperate, poor little girl, then you go show them that isn’t the truth about who you are by talking with them, laughing with them and letting them see you are all good!!!
And truth is, just like any gossip that goes around…it’s temporary. It will soon pass when something else catches their attention and they will forget all about it. Think about all the actors, politicians, musicians that get slammed on a daily basis. They all still hold their heads up high and keep going about their business and doing what they love most….WITH all the daily criticism. It comes with the job.
The more people that know you, the more public you become, the more open you become to others’ judgments. Your goal is to stay centered and grounded in your truth so lame people like that don’t knock you down.Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca!
You are doing wonderful!!! The very first step to making changes, is to become aware of your patterns. Now you are seeing where your mind instantly goes to negativity and now, you can shift that story and change your focus. Now you can develop the skillset to help yourself through it. Like I said before, the negative story you create, is just a symptom of you needing something. So now, when you notice a negative thought come up, ask yourself what that negative story is telling you what you need in that moment? Security, stability, safety, comfort, compassion?? That’s the very next step. Once you know what you need in that moment, you can immediately begin to provide yourself with it.
This is a HUGE skillset to develop for a healthy relationship. Most people rely on the other person to help them feel better. That’s like walking on a tight rope, without knowing for sure there is a safety net under you, because you are relying on the other person to make sure it is there…and reality is, the other person is human and unpredictable. In a healthy relationship, BOTH people have their very own safety nets that they have put there themselves, that way they are ALWAYS taken care of. So you learning how to take care of your own emotional reactions, needs and desires YOURSELF….that is building your very own safety net that will always be there. Does this make sense? And yes…this takes practice for sure!!!When you asked: no contact from me to him about this evening . Even though I would naturally text a friend ? Would I not assume this stance currently and shoot a ‘hey. We still on for tonight? Did you manage to look at times or shall I? Here is the truth. You do not have “friend” feelings for him, so treating him like a friend is just not realistic at the moment. Reality is, if you guys keep in contact and continue to keep hanging out like “friends” your feelings will only continue. I don’t know a person alive who can go from having deep feelings for someone to instant friends (unless that person has a seriously strong cutoff mechanism to their feelings – which is crazy unhealthy anyways). In order to really build a true friendship, people need to separate for a time being. You need time to rebuild your life without that person, allow your heart to heal and THEN you can come back together as friends. Otherwise, being friends too soon, without processing all the other feelings, just creates a big mess. So yes, I would still offer the same guidance to just let him take the lead. Start practicing taking care of your own needs and then when you are together, let him feel you light, fun, connective and that you are okay without him. That may attract him to you even more. We shall see!!!
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
I just wanted to check in. How are you doing? How are you feeling about your situation? Are there any new developments? Have you guys been able to talk at all?
We would love an update!Heidi
Hi Kyla,
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. How are you handling this breakup? How are you feeling? Are you able to connect with some friends and get support? Are you able to get some fun in your life? Are you able to avoid contact with him?
We would love an update whenever you get a chance!
Heidi
HI Dana!
I have no doubt your life is crazy busy right now. I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing with everything. How is Cass doing? Have you been able to meet with a trainer yet? Are you guys getting into a good rhythm? Cass is so lucky to have connected with you. You are quite the fighter and lover!
We would love to hear an update whenever you get a chance!
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing! How are you feeling about the situation? How is he responding to you now that you put the boundary back up? Or maybe he started pursuing you again and you decided to give it another go?
Let us know! We would love to hear an update!
Heidi
