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Wow Kyla!!!
This is wonderful to hear! You have a lot of adventures waiting for you that sound really exciting. I’m really happy for you! Thank you for the update!!
Heidi
Hi Jeannie,
Wow! I can see why this is so difficult for you. You are pretty intuitive to have picked up on something early on. Many times, when you give someone a exit, it relieves this “imagined” pressure they might be feeling. Relieving the pressure makes them have the response of “maybe this can really work” which is my guess as to why he really went in a lot stronger for a few weeks. Whatever is happening for him, is about HIM, not you. Here is the story you are creating around this, which is keeping you stuck: “he sensed some craziness in me that made it feel unsafe to just say, “you’re, this . . . whatever is not for me” Let me give you the truth: The truth is, he has something he is really afraid of. That fear is so big, that he felt he needed to disconnect. Then…another level of fear came in that would prevent him from actually being an adult and letting you know he needed to exit. I don’t know what he is so afraid of, but the truth is, you are being rescued! A man that lets fear run his life to this level, is not a man you want by your side. Another interesting, and super lame explanation is that maybe he felt so strongly for you and he knew that actually talking to you about it and trying to end things, would make him want to stay and he didn’t feel strong enough to stick to his guns about his decision. I’ve heard that one a few times and I can see how this would be very real for someone.
Regardless, I know you wanted to respect him. Now, it’s time to forgive him for being limited and inauthentic and uncaring and fooling you. Then forgive yourself for allowing yourself to hope and dream and connect with a man who wasn’t emotionally available. Then….you close the door. That’s it. No more allowing yourself to go down the rabbit hole of trying to understand what happened. It doesn’t matter anymore. Maybe someday you will find out what really happened, but for right now, you won’t get your answer. He is going to feel and think as he wants and you don’t have any power over that. What you do have power over is yourself and getting connected back to the truth about who you are, closing the door on this experience and healing your heart.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Deetta,
We are glad you are here. I am sooo sorry for what happened. That really sucks that he ghosted in the first place, but to then turn around and talk about it in your circle, is even worse. Yucky guy!
I’m curious…did he ever explain why he ghosted the first time around when he apologized? Also, tell me what happened that made you feel like the other people were looking at you that way. What did they say? What did they do that made you feel like they were feeling sorry for you?
It is so terribly hard to be criticized, judged, misunderstood etc. by others, without getting to explain your story. Public figures go through this all the time. People form all kinds of opinions about them without having any real information. It’s the reality of people….they love gossip and creating stories around other people without really caring about what they are actually doing or how harmful they are being.
What you do? First, the way you turn the tables is by staying connected to yourself. You don’t want to be like him and spread rumors or prove that he was actually the ***hole in the situation. You don’t want to cause him harm. I mean, I’m sure you do and of course you have that choice. How you handle this is about the kind of person you want to be in this world. So I’m inviting you to take the road less traveled…which means forgiving him and letting this go. You show people that you are resilient and let them feel your internal strength. Whatever stories he has told about you, can get trumped by how people feel around you. If their perception is that you are a desperate, poor little girl, then you go show them that isn’t the truth about who you are by talking with them, laughing with them and letting them see you are all good!!!
And truth is, just like any gossip that goes around…it’s temporary. It will soon pass when something else catches their attention and they will forget all about it. Think about all the actors, politicians, musicians that get slammed on a daily basis. They all still hold their heads up high and keep going about their business and doing what they love most….WITH all the daily criticism. It comes with the job.
The more people that know you, the more public you become, the more open you become to others’ judgments. Your goal is to stay centered and grounded in your truth so lame people like that don’t knock you down.Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca!
You are doing wonderful!!! The very first step to making changes, is to become aware of your patterns. Now you are seeing where your mind instantly goes to negativity and now, you can shift that story and change your focus. Now you can develop the skillset to help yourself through it. Like I said before, the negative story you create, is just a symptom of you needing something. So now, when you notice a negative thought come up, ask yourself what that negative story is telling you what you need in that moment? Security, stability, safety, comfort, compassion?? That’s the very next step. Once you know what you need in that moment, you can immediately begin to provide yourself with it.
This is a HUGE skillset to develop for a healthy relationship. Most people rely on the other person to help them feel better. That’s like walking on a tight rope, without knowing for sure there is a safety net under you, because you are relying on the other person to make sure it is there…and reality is, the other person is human and unpredictable. In a healthy relationship, BOTH people have their very own safety nets that they have put there themselves, that way they are ALWAYS taken care of. So you learning how to take care of your own emotional reactions, needs and desires YOURSELF….that is building your very own safety net that will always be there. Does this make sense? And yes…this takes practice for sure!!!When you asked: no contact from me to him about this evening . Even though I would naturally text a friend ? Would I not assume this stance currently and shoot a ‘hey. We still on for tonight? Did you manage to look at times or shall I? Here is the truth. You do not have “friend” feelings for him, so treating him like a friend is just not realistic at the moment. Reality is, if you guys keep in contact and continue to keep hanging out like “friends” your feelings will only continue. I don’t know a person alive who can go from having deep feelings for someone to instant friends (unless that person has a seriously strong cutoff mechanism to their feelings – which is crazy unhealthy anyways). In order to really build a true friendship, people need to separate for a time being. You need time to rebuild your life without that person, allow your heart to heal and THEN you can come back together as friends. Otherwise, being friends too soon, without processing all the other feelings, just creates a big mess. So yes, I would still offer the same guidance to just let him take the lead. Start practicing taking care of your own needs and then when you are together, let him feel you light, fun, connective and that you are okay without him. That may attract him to you even more. We shall see!!!
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
I just wanted to check in. How are you doing? How are you feeling about your situation? Are there any new developments? Have you guys been able to talk at all?
We would love an update!Heidi
Hi Kyla,
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. How are you handling this breakup? How are you feeling? Are you able to connect with some friends and get support? Are you able to get some fun in your life? Are you able to avoid contact with him?
We would love an update whenever you get a chance!
Heidi
HI Dana!
I have no doubt your life is crazy busy right now. I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing with everything. How is Cass doing? Have you been able to meet with a trainer yet? Are you guys getting into a good rhythm? Cass is so lucky to have connected with you. You are quite the fighter and lover!
We would love to hear an update whenever you get a chance!
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing! How are you feeling about the situation? How is he responding to you now that you put the boundary back up? Or maybe he started pursuing you again and you decided to give it another go?
Let us know! We would love to hear an update!
Heidi
Eva! Just checking in. How are you doing?? How are you feeling?? Are you getting more of a grip on how you feel about Paul? What about this new guy??
Hope you are well and hope to hear from you soon!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca! I am so sorry! I understand the pain. It is soooo difficult letting go of the person has been a part of single day with you. It’s a life changer and extremely difficult.
This video may help you understand part of what you are going through.
One of the things I want to guide you into, is to let go of the story you are putting on his experience. Just like you did through texting him about how he is feeling, when you say: “I really think that to him he isn’t in love with me now, his feelings have changed, he cares about me and he’s busy getting over something that has no potential at all. That’s totally how I feel as to where he is at.” you are creating a story in your mind about HIS experience and truth is, you have no idea what he is going through or how he is feeling. I understand your mind wants to fit all of this in a nice little box in efforts to understand what is happening and help yourself through this, but whatever story you create, it will affect how you interact with him and how you feel about yourself. Let go of the stories you are telling yourself about HIM and focus on what yourself…what you need. What are you wanting him to do for you, that you are not willing to do for yourself? What is it that you need, that you want him to do for you? Then…do it for yourself. This is what self love is and how you develop it. Instead of looking to him to relieve the suffering, look to yourself. You need comfort, so what are some way you can comfort yourself?? You need joy. What are some ways you can bring joy into your life?? Whatever you are seeking from him, find a way to meet that need yourself and bombard yourself with it…multiple times a day!
This is your very best chance to get through this and your very best chance to get him back. Again, men want an internally strong woman they know can be okay without them. They like to be needed and wanted, but they don’t want a “needy” woman. So developing this skillset where you can emotionally take care of yourself is the most important skillset you can develop for a healthy relationship. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi PS,
Welcome! It’s wonderful to have you here. Let’s see if we can work you through this a bit.
I just have some more questions. When he said he couldn’t commit, did he give you any indication of fear that he has that he is aware of? How did it end with his last relationship? How long were they together?
The reason most people cannot commit, is because they are afraid of something. The fear is different for each person, but the common denominator is that the fear is big enough that it ends up stopping the person from forward movement.
Let me understand this…you guys were having daily contact, but only saw each other occasionally? And when you were together, it was amazing, but if you didn’t see each other for awhile, he became distant and disconnected? Meaning, you guys talked less and less or you kept talking, but he just seemed more emotionally unavailable?
Has talked to you at all about how he feels about the breakup from his last person?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Okay! This is all making great sense!
He is right. When you texted him saying that you wish you were more like him etc, you really are assuming quite a bit about how he is feeling. I used to have guys say that same exact thing to me. They thought I wasn’t hurting, thought I was perfectly okay right after a breakup. Truth was, I was quite the master at whatever “mask” I wanted to wear and it was pretty impenetrable. It wasn’t the truth of course…it was all fake, because inside I was hurting like crazy. The truth is though…the reason I had such a good mask was because of all of the trauma in my life and it was my survival mechanism. It was a sign of how fragile I was. I didn’t have the strength to be 100% authentic.
It’s EXACLTY like what Kanya just said…when you made that statement “I wish I were more like you….” what you were really doing was looking for HIM to reassure you that he is hurting, so you know that you were valuable in his life. You were looking to him instead of connecting with your little yourself and that is what he felt….A needy little girl pining after him to make her feel better. He wants a woman who will be okay without him. He wants a woman he knows can take care of herself. That’s what most men AND women want. When “neediness” enters the picture, it pushes most people away.
Your job is to stop interpreting how he feels and putting a story on whatever his experience is. Your job is to start loving your more than you ever have before. It’s time to start looking to yourself to meet your needs and not him. When you take ownership of how you are feeling and take the pressure off of him, he will feel that internal strength and be attracted to it.
He obviously is not quite done yet. Even though he isn’t being very emotional about everything, he showed up to dinner, he walked you to your car and he asked you out again. So if you feel like you want to keep going down this road with him, meet him where he is at. Stop wanting him to be something he is not (which is more emotional), accept how he wants to handle this and just go with the flow.
I know it hurts because he is not the type of guy that wears his emotions on his sleeve, so he is very difficult to read. But remember, your job is NOT to read his story….your only job is to take care of yourself, love yourself, honor your needs and stop looking to him to do any of that for you. I know it’s hard and I know it hurts. You might find that this type of guy who is less emotional, is just not a good fit for you are at some point. My father was narcissist as well (which was part of my mask back in the day) and I used to be attracted to the same kind of guy. Through healing my heart, I no longer am attracted to men who don’t have the strength to be authentically themselves.Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Uma,
I think it is great that you ran into his best friend. He definitely confirmed that your ex is very stressed and homesick right now. I wish there was something you could do about that, but what he is struggling with, is very personal and unfortunately, has affected your relationship with him.
Do you know about the Chinese finger trap toy? It’s a round tube about 3 inches long of which you stick a finger in each end. When you try to pull your fingers back out, they get stuck or trapped. It’s weird because they easily go in, but not so easily come back out. The trick is, in order to get your fingers out, you have to do it slowly. The more you struggle or the faster you pull, the more you are guaranteed to get stuck. When you relax, have patience and actually stop pulling, that is when you can pull your fingers out.
Do you think that it could be possible that the less you struggle with trying to have things turn out the way you want, you might actually get what you want? Meaning, it sounds like he really needs to go home and until that point, everything for him is just too stressful to deal with. Maybe if you stop struggling against what is happening and really honor and understand what he REALLY needs right now, you will get exactly what you want. Of course there is no guarantee of that, but the odds are more in your favor that way vs. trying to force anything. This is just a mindset I would like to invite you to work on having. Does that make sense?
Now let’s talk about what to actually do. I still like the plan you have created which is to give him some space. He is dealing with the kind of stress you can do nothing about and has nothing to do with you. So giving him space probably feels good for him right now. It sounds like he really might be getting consumed by his need to go home. Tell me more about how it felt to hear what his best friend said to you. What is YOUR reaction to what his best friend said?
Heidi
Hi Morag,
Just checking in. How is everything going? Any new developments with your situation? Any new thoughts or realizations on your side of things?? We would love to hear and update from you!
Heidi
