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Hi Rebecca,
First, I just want to say that I am so happy you finally are feeling that connection with him again and that he is on board with really wanting to grow the relationship with you. I understand why these 2 things are making you feel a bit nervous as well.
First, it’s important for you to understand that you it sounds like you are choosing to be with a guy who is not comfortable being alone. It sounds like he always needs to have a woman’s attention on some level, in order to feel good about himself. He is jumping from one relationship to the next, without really allowing himself the time to process the loss. There is something inside of him he is running from. Being alone is something MANY people are really terrified of. The fear tends to live in the subconscious, but is always influencing choices (hence him always having a woman to connect with). So my guess is, disconnecting from you, would drive him to want to find another woman to connect with, which is most likely why he re-connected with his ex.
Here is the thing Rebecca. It is so crucial that you let him be EXACTLY who he wants to be. If he wants to stay connected to her, then he gets to do that. The moment you restrict someone from doing something they want to do, your role becomes the parent telling the child what they can’t do and that’s not healthy. So instead, you say your feelings about the situation and then let THEM decide how they want to handle it. How they handle it then gives you some good information about the kind of person they are, which in turn helps you continue to decide to stay with them or part ways. That’s the basic formula. If he is choosing to stay connected with her, despite how uncomfortable it is making you feel, then your choice is to either figure out a way to get comfortable with it and accept that he is choosing not to honor your feelings, or go your own way. It sounds like this time around, you handled it much better, even though I imagine you were freaking out inside and still probably are. This is the time when you connect to your little girl saying “I got you. No matter what happens, we are going to be okay. I love you, I will fight for you and I will always be connected to you, even if that isn’t his choice.”
As far as the condoms, let it go. Of course he thought about having casual sex. Men think about that kind of stuff quite often. We ALL have thoughts that are our own private thoughts (thank goodness!) No need to get nervous about something that didn’t even happen. You are putting some energy around a “hypothetical” story about what he was thinking and feeling as he went home. It’s pointless. There have been many times I have done things in one moment and changed my mind later. It’s just a normal part of life. You want to put importance on his actual ACTIONS, not his thoughts.
So all in all, it sounds like you picked a guy who hasn’t really dealt with his deep wounds, causing him to jump from one lady to the next. Just like your trust issues leak into the relationship. You both have things that need to be dealt with. What is MOST important, is that you both deal with them. That’s all that really matters in the end. When challenges arise, do you both work through them honestly and authentically? Do you both stay and not run from the challenge? Do you treat each other with respect during the process? Do you both grow and learn from the challenges? These are the important questions to answer.
How does saying all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Di,
Have you tried activating his hero instinct and asking him for help?
When you guys text a little, who initiates? What do you guys talk about? When do you see each other?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
wow….of course you are confused and hurt! He is quite unpredictable! I wonder if he has some type of mental disorder. it’s much more common these days, now that we are understanding more about it. Sooooo many people go undiagnosed for years! But his behavior of going off on you like that, to the next being super sweet and kind and loving…there is something “off” about that. That is a serious mood swing. If it isn’t some type of mental disorder like bipolar or borderline, then he is carrying a lot of emotion inside and that is dangerous as you just experienced verbal abuse with him.
Listen….this is about him…not you. He has a lot of challenges he is dealing with internally and unfortunately, he is not managing it well at all. He needs some help and guidance. Otherwise, other people, especially the closer ones, end up becoming targets for all those intense emotions he carries. So again…this is not about you…it’s about you just being and easy target.
Remember that YOU are the one who chooses whether or not you are valuable and worth loving…not him. Do not give him that power to ruin the beauty and strength that is in you. A good thing to do right now, is to get perspective. Whenever I have been “slimed” like that, I find some friends and ask them to tell me why they are friends with me. I tell them I am feeling worthless and horrible and I need to hear the good things about me. I watch movies where the main character is being criticized, yet they still persevere and keep fighting through the challenges (i.e. men of honor). I go visit puppies at the store. They are soooo loving and playful that it lifts my spirit. I buy flowers and put them everywhere so I am surrounded by beauty. It’s time for you to fight for yourself and to get connected back to the truth about who you are. He does not define you. He is not the person who carries the truth about you. He just knocked you off your center and now you have to get back aligned with the truth.
Does this give you some ideas about what you can do to help yourself heal?
Heidi
hahaha! Just a trench coat and a smile eh? Brilliant! That shows you are quite adventurous and confident…I LOVE IT!!!
It sounds like he might be shifting a bit and things are heading in a positive direction! Of course you want to see him again. Remember to keep that under control and let him take the lead. Keep up with the surprises as well. Be unpredictable sometimes…in a playful way. Keep things light and fun and REMEMBER that YOU MATTER TOO! Your needs count. Your needs are important.
So what are your thoughts at the moment? Are you working on different ways you can show up more like yourself with him?
Heidi
Emilie!
I heard about the heat wave you guys are having right now! Ugggghhh! It’s exhausting isn’t it???? It’s so not fun….you just want to stay inside all day!
Okay….you did sooooo much in NY!! That really is incredible. You sure know how to travel. What about the food were you not happy with?? There are so many different kinds of food in NY. And yes, the taxes thing would be frustrating if you are not used to it…lol. It really would be nice to never have to tip. I have no clue what that feels like! lol
Thank you for sharing all of that! It was great to hear from you!
Heidi
LOL! YES there is hope!! ALWAYS!!! As long as you are willing to take the journey 🙂 I have a TON of horrible things in my past as well and I have conquered them! I attract some wonderful men into my life, I built some very strong self – esteem (always a work in progress though) and I have such a wonderful life! I know anything is possible. It’s not easy, but it is possible.
So here is a perspective for you. If you looked at each person that crossed your path as a mirror, showing you what is inside of you…showing you the energy you carry within you…you will realize that each person is a gift, helping you understand yourself more. The people we attract usually show up in 2 different ways:
1. they treat you in the same way you treat others (they are there to teach you what it feels like to be on the other side of you). So if a guy ghosts you, you ask yourself, do I ever treat people in the same way? Running from what needs to be said? Avoiding confrontation? Being inauthentic?
2. They treat you in a way that reflects the beliefs you carry about yourself. So if you believe you are not loveable and there is always something wrong with you, then people will come along and remind you of that (they are reflecting back to you, the beliefs you carry within you).I know the people I used to be surrounded by are sooooo different compared to today. I always use other people to let me know where I am at in my life. Am I attracting people who are spiritual, high functioning, kind, generous, supportive?? Or people who are angry, critical, not interested in growth? Over the past few years, I kept running into this guy who was so angry. We had a crazy attraction to each other though. I felt the anger, I felt his criticism (not towards me, but towards women in general) and I also felt his fear, the beautiful strength he carried inside of him….and I kept looking inside myself and connecting with those parts of me that were afraid, critical and judgmental. I never pursued anything with him (that was crazy difficult) as I knew he was not the quality I was looking for.
I’m sure you have heard the saying….You can only love someone else as much as you love yourself. That would be the place for you to start Rhonda. You don’t feel safe within yourself…and yes, people pick up on that in various ways. There is a lot of healing that you need to do. Your parents really wreaked havoc on your heart and your emotional system, so if you want different results in your life, you need to work on healing those wounded parts. Is working with a trauma therapist an option for you?
Heidi
Hi Candace,
Wonderful! It sounds like you have come to a resolution for yourself. Letting it go, gives the space for everyone to just breathe and let the situation show up however it does, without anything being forced. When you are comfortable, he will be more comfortable.
Well done!
heidi
Hi Di,
I am wondering why you believe it is hard to find a feeling in a marriage or deep stable relationship? I see couples all of the time, who have incredible, deep connections with each other. It may not be an “easy” thing, but it’s definitely possible. I am wondering why you would settle just to feel something for a guy when there is no potential for growth. You really feel like it’s enough to just stay the same all of the time? Your feelings won’t get to grow or be nourished or even reciprocated. You want a deep connection and he doesn’t. That’s a big problem. As long as your heart is occupied by him, it doesn’t really leave the door open to any other person to come along for a deep connection. I wish it were that easy to just jump from one person to the next….that usually ends up full of drama, chaos and confusion.
I realize you want what you want though. I realize you just want him back, in whatever way that he is willing to participate. So tell us what the current design is. Are you guys still talking? You said he still dates other girls and always comes back to you, so I’m wondering…do you think it’s different this time? He is someone who is going to date and be attracted to other women. This is the reality of what you are choosing and he is very clear about that. So I’m not sure what exactly you want. He is who he is and you say you accept him for who he is, so what would you like differently? He is always going to come close and then go far away. Understanding this is part of what it means to accept how he wants to live his life. Is this the part that isn’t okay for you?
Heidi
Hi Jocelyn,
Welcome! We are really glad you are here. Let’s see if we can help you sort this out.
First, you guys were officially in a relationship, yes? Meaning, exclusive and agreeing to only date each other? Were “I love you’s” exchanged? I’m a little confused about the rumors. Are you saying there were rumors of another girl being in the picture as well? And you said that go cleared up, but still kept coming up after he explained everything? Do you believe it’s possible he was with another woman as well? Has he ever behaved like this before where he kind of disappeared and didn’t want to talk about things?
You definitely are broken up. There is no communication, he is not available and doesn’t seem to really care about how he is affecting you with his choices. You said to him that this was unacceptable to be treated this way moving forward. So did you mean that? You are wanting to get him back, so you are telling him it is acceptable for him to do behave this way and there really are no real consequences to it. So I just want to make sure you are really clear about what you want. If you were to start talking again, what EXACTLY do you want from him in order to move forward?
I’m so so sorry you are going through this. He is being very confusing and mostly unkind. It is a very uncaring thing to do, to just ghost someone…especially since you had a whole weekend planned together. He is hiding something or just wanted to be done with the relationship and didn’t have the guts to say it to your face and do it respectfully. Either way, I am so sorry this happened. It’s so confusing and frustrating, because you have no clue what happened. Is there anything you guys used to argue about frequently? There is nothing you can see, when you look back, as to clues that he might have been unhappy?
Heidi
HI Diandra,
Just wanted to check in. You are going through a lot right now and we would love to support you. Any new developments or thoughts you would like to talk about? We would love to hear more.
Heidi
Hi Jeannie,
Just checking in. How are things going? Any new developments or thoughts? We would love to hear form you!
HI Emilie!
Just wanted to check in….what did you think of New York??? How are you doing??? Any new stories?
Heidi
HI Colleen!
I wanted to check in and see how you were doing. We would love to hear more of your thoughts and any updates!
Heidi
Hi Candace!
This makes a little more sense now. I imagine he felt a lot of pressure when you expressed your disappointment. You say you don’t want anything extremely serious, but your expectations about contact would tell a different story and communicate something very different to him. In the beginning of getting to know each other, there are a TON of inconsistencies. Life happens, new habits are forming, feelings are developing etc. My guess is that the pattern with you both during those few months was daily contact and then one day he didn’t. There would be a different way to approach that situation so the guy doesn’t feel the pressure or your expectations, which usually makes them run the other direction if they are not ready. Instead of expressing disappointment, you could say something like, “I missed hearing your laugh yesterday.” or “Wow…I didn’t hear from you yesterday and it made me realize I missed you. That feels really cool!” Many times, they will freely offer some type of explanation to help you understand. If they don’t, that’s okay too. It’s part of getting to know each other. Consistency and thoughtfulness are wonderful things to require in a relationship. Those things also require quite a bit of time for them to be authentic and to develop.
I want to teach you a general rule of thumb. When something happens once, it’s just once. When something happens 2x, it’s a weak pattern and 3x is a strong pattern. Something to pay attention to as you get to know someone. For example, if someone shows up late once, no biggie. If they show up late 2x in a few weeks period, I start to notice this might be a pattern. When they show up 3x in a month, it’s a strong pattern. I now know that if I am going to choose to let this person in my life, I MUST accept they are someone who has a tendency to be late.
And lastly, even you hadn’t expressed your disappointment and did things a little differently, you still would have ended up here. Kanya is right. It really takes quite a bit of time for someone to heal after divorce. He just isn’t ready…plain and simple. The sooner he admitted that, the better for your heart!!! Let him leave you with the gift of knowing that a guy like him DOES exist. Now that you know what it can feel like, it just makes it even more possible to show up again!!!
Heidi
Hi Barbara,
There is nothing pathetic about your feelings. Your feelings matter and are ALWAYS trying to tell you something. They ALWAYS have important messages for you, so be kind to yourself. That is the most important part here…honor your feelings and allow them to talk to you.
The hard part about feelings is trying to figure out what they REALLY mean, because most of the time, our feelings are not the facts. For example, I have had times where I find myself attracted to a man whom I may have seen a ton of times at work and never once had an inkling of attraction to. Then one day, I walk into where I work I am looking at him differently. The very first thing I do is work on figuring out where the heck those feelings are coming from, because I know it is not REAL attraction, even though it feels like it. Once I dig a little deeper, I usually discover there is a part of me, so deeply craving connection with man. That craving for connection is a way that I am searching for a man to make me feel better, more secure….which is a very normal response, but that is looking for someone outside of me to make me feel better…that is a disaster waiting to happen. It’s always our jobs to make ourselves feel better and not someone else’s. This is a tough one though. It’s very hard to pull back our energy from those very strong feelings of attraction.
My guess is, you might be doing the same thing. This attraction to your ex, who is not interested nor available, is you really craving connection and you are seeking it through him. Despite the chaos and drama he represents, he is familiar for you, so in some way, he is cozy and safe.
So let’s talk about this a little further. Something in you is being driven to want to be with a man who is emotionally unavailable. Whenever someone goes after a person who is emotionally unavailable, that usually means they don’t feel very lovable, which usually stems from some experiences in childhood. What was your life like growing up and your relationship with your parents? Are you willing to let go of your ex and create a different, more healthy experience for yourself?
Heidi
