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Hi Candace,
The choice is always yours. Reality is, there is no way he is ready for a new, serious relationship after being married for that long and being cheated on. He has a lot he has to work through emotionally. He just isn’t ready. It would be a good thing for your heart to really let him go. If you take that route and allow your heart to heal from the loss, then maybe at some point you guys can actually be friends, which can always be a really wonderful thing! And then who knows what could happen down the road. What you need to deal with though, is the present moment. You may be able to get his attention back, but at some point he will break it off again, because he just isn’t ready. I have no doubt he wishes he could be ready, but I’m glad he finally is honoring what he knows inside himself. It would be a really good thing for him to stay away from dating for a good couple of years and maybe even get some kind of help to process the loss of his marriage, especially in the way it happened.
Does this help give you some perspective?
Heidi
Hi Candace!
Welcome! You ask the question of the century! lol
It’s a simple answer, yet very complicated. The simple version is he is split. He has one part of him that most likely wanted to fall in love again, be connected again, have hope again and then another part that is stopping him. Why? Usually it’s unresolved wounds that keep someone from moving forward. My guess is, something happened…a conversation with someone, something with his ex or even a new girl he found himself attracted to….whatever happened, it triggered him into realizing he really isn’t ready for something more serious or committed.
How long was he married? Do you know why they divorced? Did he talk about his marriage at all? Did you learn anything about his past relationship history?I’m sorry this is happening for you. It’s confusing and it just hurts! I steer clear of recently divorced men for this very reason. They have soooo many things to figure out, which makes them unpredictable. This is not about you! There is nothing more you could have done to change what is happening. This is about an internal struggle for him that he needs to figure out. I’m sorry he took you along for the ride while he figures this out.
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
Welcome! And good question! Just a few questions…
How long have you been broken up? How long were you together? What caused the breakup? Are you wanting to get back together with him?
He IS flirting and how you went about bringing that up, is great! How long has it been since you sent that message and not heard from him? You said that contact was sporadic, so give it time. He will most likely respond at some point and either keep flirting or back off, which will give you some clue as to how he responded to what you said. If he is running away from something like that, then his flirting is not meaning what you think it means. Meaning…he may be flirting just for the attention aspect or he because he likes to flirt, not because he wanting to re-kindle with you. Who knows though….he may not even know why he is flirting. It’s important you get real clear about what you want from him though so you can align with how you interact with him. Does that make sense?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca!
Thank you for sharing all of this! It ALL makes so much more sense now.
Would you be willing or have the opportunity to work with a therapist or coach? Reality is, “learning” to trust is not what will heal all of those wounds. You are trying to go about “fixing” how you are feeling, by “learning” and that is not the full extent to healing. In order to heal, you need to deal with the wounds themselves. You need to deal with your mother and father challenges and hurts DIRECTLY. If men are giving you feedback that you are difficult to deal with, then that lets you know that no matter what guy you are with, your wounds will still leak out. I too had a very difficult upbringing. I started therapy at 17 years old and have been going every since! I will ALWAYS have a coach or therapist that is part of my accountability and support system. At first I needed to go all of the time, but eventually I healed so many wounds that I just checked in whenever I felt some triggers were coming that I needed help with. It is soooooo wonderful to go through life now, feeling empowered and grounded in myself, no matter how the other person is feeling. I don’t need “them” to behave in any particular way, to make me feel better anymore. Now, all I need is for them to be themselves and if I get triggered or feel insecure, I immediately go take care of that myself.
I think I said this to you before, but can’t remember for sure, so this is just a reminder. Trust is NOT about the other person. Trust is about trusting YOURSELF that no matter what anyone else does or how they behave, you trust that you will be okay. You will never solve your trust issues by relying on the other person to act a certain way so you can “trust” them. They will ALWAYS lets you down, because they are human. So again, going back to what Kanya just said and all that you just shared….this is about you connecting to that wounded part of you and working with her. That is why a good therapist is so wonderful! They can help you navigate that relationship, help you heal, forgive and release. Life becomes soooooo much easier that way.
I also want to confirm what Kanya is saying as well. He seems to be very connective and interested still, which is great! I know the relationship is not where you want it to be right now, but this gives you the PERFECT opportunity to connect with yourself and start building that relationship with yourself. None of us would ever care about our little selves inside if everything were always perfect. It’s those times when we feel insecure, scared, hurt etc. that we get to know them. This is a real gift for you right now!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!
Welcome! We are glad you are here!
How about a little more detail. Do you feel you have social anxiety? You say you have a difficult time connecting with people in general. Tell us more about that. What EXACTLY do you have a difficult time doing? Keeping a conversation going? You say you go to Meetup groups, so when you are there, do you find yourself more isolated vs. interacting with everyone? When you have been on dates, how would you say they are going?
What do you feel are in those walls? A wall represents fear. Walls are meant for protection from something, so what do you think you are protecting yourself from? Do you know what caused the wall to go up in the first place? Or maybe it’s always been there and it’s just more evident at the moment?
Looking forward to hearing more!
Heidi
Hi Padmini,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenges with us!
More detail would be really helpful. What does it mean that you were on and off for about 2 years? Does that mean you have been together as a couple and identified yourselves as such? What is causing you guys to separate and come back together multiple times? Is this his normal pattern for him for he has times where he becomes distant? Why do you feel it is YOU that needs to keep his attention? Maybe it isn’t about you and instead is about something he has going on his life….so I’m wondering if there are things he has said or done that make you think that you are the problem when it comes to keeping his attention.
Looking forward to hearing more!
Heidi
Okay! It sounds like it’s time to take back your control. It IS important to be wanted for sure. However, if that is what is leading you, then as you know, that path will get you in trouble. You never want to give away your power, your value and put in another person’s hands. Meaning, “I am valuable and worth fighting for, if he fights for me….if he wants me.” That is giving HIM the authority to decide whether or not you are valuable. You want to lead with “I am worth fighting for. I am wantable, loveable, desirable whether he sees that about me or not.” When that is your mindset, you are keeping your value solid and grounded in the truth. Does this make sense?
Now…it’s not easy to just do something like this. It’s a process to switch around your mindset, but it sounds like you are ready for something like this. We can absolutely help you down this path with all kinds of ideas and things you can do to strengthen your internal, self love.
Heidi
Hi Rebecca!
You are doing such a wonderful job!!! You are taking things slower, you are giving him the space to miss you and do a little work to chase you and ask for connection and you are identifying all kinds of triggers you have and where they come from. Wow! Just take a moment and really acknowledge yourself for all the wonderful work you are doing right now…for yourself! You are waking up to a new level and this is soooo important!
It is so interesting what your definition of love is. You know what I have discovered? After 20 some years of asking married couples questions about their relationships….it’s all so different and unique to each couple. One question I always ask is this: What does love feel like for you after 30 years compared to when you first met (or however long they have been married)? The range of answers I have received is so fascinating. Some still get butterflies, some just smile and say “I love being married to….” some say it feels so comfortable and safe, like being wrapped up in a cocoon. Some say it’s a lot of work, but the person is their best friend so it makes it all worth it. My point being…is that love takes on many shapes and feelings that come along with love change and shift throughout the years and how love feels, just depends on the couple. I know plenty of couples that have been married 30+ years and their love is plain, simple and not very exciting. That is not the kind of love I want to experience, but that is their version that is okay for them. There is one couple I love that I see weekly (in the gym) that have been married close to 50 years and they still have that very natural, flirty spark with each other. I can feel the connection between them…it’s very much alive.
Here is a link to the Gottman Institute and their dating blogs. I love this website! He and his wife are HUGE researchers in the science of love, marriage, relationship etc. They offer all kinds of spectacular wisdom from all that they studied. John Gottman did a 20 years study on marriage and what makes it work and last long term (20+ years). What he discovered was really fascinating. Maybe peruse around his website and subscribe to his blog and start to learn more about what love is, dating and relationships etc.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/category/dating-premarital/
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
I know that putting focus on yourself and not him, feel like it would be throwing away your relationship. It actually can have quite the opposite affect! I’m glad to hear you are getting everything in order for yourself and you are exercising and painting. That is sooo important!
Do you think that losing yourself in trying to please him, may have contributed to him wanting to separate?
What do you mean that you lead with your heart? What exactly do you do when you lead with your heart? What is the energy behind it?
What is the contact like between you guys right now? Do you just see him in class and that’s it? Do you guys talk or just ignore each other in class?Heidi
Hi Theresa,
I’m sooo so sorry for having to go through this. It sounds like his life is really messy right now and he just doesn’t have the capacity to get serious with anyone. He admitted to going through a “mid life crisis” and be unhappy. When anyone feels that way, trying to date and be happy is just not very possible. Men struggle with it in a different way than women. Women are such natural connectors and desire connection when things go haywire. Men have more of a tendency to go hide in their cave to think and figure things out before they come back out. It sounds like that is where he might be and this has nothing to do with you. When a man doesn’t have his life figured out and he is standing on solid ground, they can be pretty useless in a relationship. It consumes them!!! So giving him the space he needs in his cave, is really important. Reality is, he is just not emotionally available right now. He needs to get everything in order and get some of his happy ju-ju back, before he can share it with you.
How do you feel about sending him a text similar to this: “I know you are trying to figure out your life and that I don’t quite fit right now. I can respect that, even though it hurts. If you ever decide that at some point, you and I could be an option again, let me know. I’d be open to giving this shot again. I truly hope, from the bottom of my heart, that you find your peace and happiness. You are a pretty incredible man and deserve to enjoy this life!” And after you send something like this, you just let it go. You release what you are holding onto so tight and take steps to move on in your life. He may come back, he may not, but you either way you are not giving him your power to stop you from moving forward without him.
Sending a text like this, lets him know the door is still open, but it is not trying to be friends. Sending friendly texts every once in awhile means you are not really moving on with your life and you will keep trying to get him to connect, when he just isn’t available in the way you want him to be. That’s my thinking at least.
How does this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Colleen!
Yes! You are getting it! Well done!!!
The thing about dating that everyone has to be VERY careful of, is to not get swept away by the “feelings” that are there when they are with the other person. Remember that your feelings ARE NOT FACTS. That is the main reason to take things slow. It is so crucial to get the facts about that person to support the feelings to know you are dealing with the WHOLE package….hence why I teach people that dating is EXACTLY like a job interview. The job is YOUR heart. They are applying and you need to be in the mindset that they have to earn the right to be in your space. That’s the part most people miss, because the chemistry is so strong and they get swept away in it. For you in particular, being that this was the first time you kissed with your eyes closed and how magical it felt, it’s a new experience which also adds to the power and the fantasy about who this man is. In your mind I imagine you feel that the fact that he could activate that in you and your husband of 24 years could not, “it must mean something.” That statement and belief is very dangerous. Its’ purely about chemistry without time and experience to support that it means anything. Does this make sense?
I want to give you a little homework assignment to start. I call it the “non-negotiable list.” This is the most important list to create and have in the forefront of your mind when dating. This is a list of qualities in him, that you CANNOT live without, in a relationship. If these qualities don’t exist, there is no way the relationship will last. Here are just a few of mine.
Your guy must be / have:
1. romantic
2. high emotional intelligence
3. active
4. loves animalsThis list is more than just what you want, they are non-negotiable qualities. So let’s say you come up with 10 things. If you meet a guy that has 9 out of 10 qualities, you still move on. Each of those qualities is so important and crucial to a successful relationship with you.
Then what you do, is you go test it out in the dating world. Your list will change and evolve as you change and evolve. So for example, I used to have on there athletic. I really needed a guy who played a sport and was good at it (I was in my 20’s and playing high levels of soccer). That is mostly what I attracted and dated. But then I dated a couple of guys who didn’t play a sport but were active. They hiked, they worked out, they ran etc. I realized being active was what was really important to me. I know there is no way, in a million years, that I could be a guy who sat on the couch and didn’t make activity a big part of his life.
How does this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Colleen,
Dating is challenging isn’t it? How long have you guys known each other? How did you meet? Do you know if he is dating other people as well? Did he say SPECIFICALLY why he didn’t see this as long term?
It sounds like he has a strong response to you being that he is connecting with you multiple times a day and you guys have a lot of fun together. Does he feel the same as you? That might be something to discuss further with him, but again, it depends on how long you have been dating.
Here is the thing about dating that mess up a lot of people….they try to predict the future. What if you just stayed in the present moment and just had some fun. As long as he is willing and you are willing to just enjoy each day without needing to predict where it’s going to go, you BOTH will have a more powerful experience with each other. Should the time come where he or you feels like it’s time to separate, you will deal with it then…or maybe you both decide you would like to go deeper and you will have that discussion when the time is right.
You don’t want to make any decisions FOR him. You really don’t know what his experience of you is, so breaking it off so he can go experience what you feel is like being a “mother” wanting to make a decision that is good for him. He is an grown can take care of himself. Any decisions you make, need to be for yourself only.
The moment you get into the fear about losing him, is the moment you lose connection to yourself. He deserves to know the authentic you. He deserves to have a woman strong enough that knows she will be okay, whether he is in the picture or not. Keep your self esteem and value connected to the truth of who you really are vs. putting it in his hands. Your fear of losing him is changing how you behave with him and that is just not necessary. Trust that you are enough, just as you are, ALL OF YOU, and whether he chooses to stay or go, that doesn’t change anything. There are more guys out there that you can have fun with and find a strong connection with. What’s most important here is that you have the strength to be you, messy and all. That is what gives a relationship a chance to grow.
Thoughts on all of this?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
I am soooo so sorry for what you are going through. It is the hardest thing to be rejected like that without any explanation or understanding about what happened. It isn’t fair and it is actually very unkind.
He shut his feelings off as a protective mechanism. I have no doubt he still loves you. I used to do the same thing where after a breakup, I would go cold turkey while the guy was trying to connect and figure things out. The only way I could survive the breakup was to go cold. It’s not that the feelings weren’t there…it’s that the feelings WERE there and the only way I could not let those feelings take control of me was to go cold. It’s not a healthy way to deal with it at all. It’s a sign of emotional fragility. One thing to really consider is that if he can do this to you, to someone he loves…just up and leave without talking to you about his reasons and going cold, he would be someone VERY difficult to be in relationship with when stress or struggle showed up. He is showing you how he handles stress and struggle. He shuts off and runs away.
The very first thing you need to do is to start taking care of yourself. It’s possible he come back to you down the road, but giving yourself some space, giving him some space and respecting his choice for the moment, can be a really good thing. I would suggest no longer attending his class and find a different class to go to. Let him feel the absence of you in his life.
Is there anything in the past where he might have mentioned something that he was uncomfortable with? Do you know much about his past relationships? If yes, how did he talk about them? Did it still feel like he had hurt and resentment from the past or does he seem very peaceful about all his past relationships?
I know this is so hard, but it really, really important that you don’t create a story around what is happening. It’s not your fault. You were doing the very best you knew how. There is NOTHING you can do for someone who doesn’t tell you what they are feeling or needing from you. This is HIS responsibility, not for you to figure out what went wrong. What really went wrong is that something happened for him and he just ran instead of talking to you about it. That is ON HIM, not you. You can only do what you can with the information you are being given. If he is being judgmental towards you about something you did or that happened, that is also HIS problem, not yours. You are just being human.
Love yourself. Stay connected to the truth that you are valuable and love able, just as you are….mess and all. That is the truth. His lack of choosing to fight for you, does not change your value. If he cannot accept you and embrace you for all that you are, then he is not someone to go the distance with anyways.
Again, I am so so sorry. I wish there were more information you could give us, but if he is just ghosting you and you have no clue why, it’s hard to know how to correct anything. The more you connect to yourself and pull your energy away from him, the more he will feel the absence of you and maybe that is the best thing for him right now…the feel the FULL extent of his choice.
Heidi
Hi Jeannie,
I’m so glad you are really connecting more and more to your behaviors and reactions. Reality, when someone ghosts us, accuses us of being something we are not etc. it activates a feeling of powerlessness. That feeling of powerlessness then activates your need to find personal power, which leads to a need to control. The stories you create are at least a way you are able to feel control again, even if it is just about yourself. If you can explain why someone is behaving the way they do towards you, then it helps you avoid the feelings of powerlessness….which you have had a lot of in your life. Does this make sense? This is only one possible thread as to why you make up stories. There are many possibilities, but what is most important is that you recognized it and can now work to shift it.
Whenever you start to make up stories, stop for a second and recognize what you are feeling in that moment. Betrayed? Rejected? Insecure? Once you identify it, you can then work with what you need in that moment. So if you feel insecure, you need to feel security. If you feel betrayed or rejected, you need to feel connection. Now that you know what you need, you can then figure out ways to meet your own needs. That is what self love is. When you busy yourself with work or dating other guys, yes the uncomfortable feelings go away, but only because you buried them. They will come up again and again and again until you truly face them, feel them and work through them. If a therapist is ever an option for you, I would highly recommend that! It’s a great way to learn how to manage your emotions in a much healthier way. You can also look up EFT or TFT on YouTube. That is a super easy and powerful tapping tool to help you move the emotions out of your body instead of burying them. I honestly have about 10 different tools that I use whenever I feel I am being triggered or my needs aren’t being met. If one tool doesn’t work, I use another one and then another one etc. It starts the healing process. When I can’t fully and completely clear my emotional reactions alone, I have a coach I work with that can help me get at the deeper, bigger issue.
Hopefully this gives you some new ideas about how to handle all of this in a more healthy way.
Thoughts?
Heidi
