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Hi Zobeeda!
First off, I am soooo so sorry that these are the things people are telling you. They are just projecting their own personal belief systems onto you, as if they are true. The truth is, the experiences that up in your life are reflective of beliefs, thoughts, feelings and experiences that you carry within your spirit. So whatever shows up in your life, it’s reflecting back to you, the story you carry within you. I too had a lot of abuse growing up. I too was told many, many things that carried into my adult life. I attracted men that reflected to me how I felt about myself and the subconscious beliefs I carried. There is hope!!! It takes a lot more than “just believing” differently. There is healing that needs to happen as well. I went down that road of healing, because I made the choice that I was not going to give my power away to the people that caused me harm anymore. I wanted to take back my power and create my own beliefs about myself, my world and what I wanted in it and have it come for a source of truth, not other people. You DO have that power and you are now starting that journey, just by being here and reaching out. That’s the first step.
We can absolutely guide you through this process of getting more connected to the truth and releasing the lies. We are here for you! This takes time, but first and foremost, be kind to yourself. Have compassion for yourself. You have been through a lot and the best and fastest way to resilience is through self love. Having full and complete acceptance for all that you are….your weight, your heritage, your life etc. Whenever I have challenges with that, one thing that helps me is to look for stories of people who have had similar challenges. For example, Oprah Winfrey is on the thicker side, yet she is so beautiful and powerful. Why not you as well? Does this make sense?? You need to look for stories that encourage you and give you possibility instead of break you down. Here is a GREAT book for that:
Now…tell me about your passions. What excites you in your life?
Heidi
Hi Geneviv,
Things are going to constantly shift as you both figure out how to navigate this new design. I want to re-iterate what Kanya was asking. It sounds like this is all HIS design and you are just accommodating him. Yes, he is being selfish and he gets to be that. You however, are choosing to participate in that design. So what kinds of choices can you make, to bring this more into balance for you, where you are honoring YOUR needs as well?
In all those years together, you couldn’t tell how important being Jewish was for him? I mean, does he practice the belief? Does he live according to those guidelines? Has he ever wanted you to go to synagogue with him? I’m trying to get at how immersed he is with the Jewish culture, beliefs etc. It sounds like it really is a big deal for him, if he is not willing to create a future with a non Jewish woman. Maybe it’s time to really talk about it and if he won’t talk about it, then I want to encourage you to really let him go. There is no real relationship with a person who isn’t willing to talk with honesty and respect your needs.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
I forgot to answer the other question about whether or not you should text first. Absolutely!!! It’s totally okay for you to initiate sometimes! It’s just important to keep the balance. You want to make sure that he is making a clear effort to connect and then you make the effort sometimes….that’s part of how you keep them inspired to want to hunt you. It’s not all them initiating, it’s you initiating to remind them you are fun to chase…so to speak.
Heidi
It’s important to really get clear about what you both want. Men are able to have sex, even in the middle of arguments. They just function differently in that way, than we do. We tend to need the emotional connection, they tend to be fully functional in that department, even without it….generally speaking.
He needs to know that he cannot have sex with you, until you both are on the same page about what is happening in the relationship. Boundaries are healthy and very important. Again, I think apologizing in a good place to start. Ask him to join you for a cup of coffee. You can say something like, “I have some things to say. Since you left, I have really been learning a lot of things about myself and having some really good realizations about how I have behaved in the relationship. Can we meet for coffee? I’d like to share with you.” If he won’t meet with you, then try doing the letter.
He is the only one who can help clear things up about what is happening here, so an honest, authentic conversation is needed otherwise it’s a guessing game. Does this make sense? Do you feel you can make this happen??
Heidi
Hi Colleen!
You are asking some great questions and really getting to know yourself! No matter what happens with this guy, these experiences with him are teaching you a lot and are soooo valuable! Remember that! It’s about the process, not the end result, right??
Okay….so how do you appear breezy while showing interest? You already are doing that. You are keeping things light and fun AND flirting. You want to inspire them to WANT to connect with you by being responsive to what they have to say, especially when flirting is involved. You want them to WANT to tell you things, so being a good listener and being curious about who they are makes them feel good. It makes anyone feel good actually. So it sounds like you are walking that line really well with him.
I know you are on edge about things abruptly ending. It’s a normal reaction. Dating is a risk. The moment you become attracted to someone, that’s the very moment they could hurt you and no one wants to get hurt. He could walk away. He could be with you for the next 20 years. There are no guarantees, no matter how “perfect” you have been in the relationship. It’s VERY important to stay connected to the truth….YOU WILL BE OKAY NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. You have been through much worse things, right? And look at you now…you are having fun, trying new things, learning a lot about yourself. YOU ARE RESILIENT!!! That is the truth to get connected to, anytime fear starts to show up about him leaving. That is the ONLY thing you have control over. You also want to really keep your attention and focus on NOW and what is happening in each moment vs. bringing fear of the future into the equation. That mucks things up.
Is this helpful??? Keep sharing! Keep asking questions! This is such a great way to learn about yourself and get the most out of your experiences with him. You really are doing a great job!!!
Heidi
Hi!
Welcome! Thank you for being here and sharing your challenges with us.
You sure have a lot happening right now and have had a lot of trauma in your life. I am so sorry! You have a lot of trauma that you carry, as well as your guy, and that can make for a very challenging relationship. But that’s okay! It sounds like you both have figured it out up to this point.
So if I understand correctly, you asked him for more affection, he neglected and then you asked him to leave and now he is really upset and leaving. Is that right?
The first thing to do is to give him some space and some time. You said he does not talk about things, so the more you pressure him to talk, the more he will most likely run deeper into his cave. He obviously is really hurt and is trying to hurt you back. It doesn’t sound like he REALLY wants to follow through with this. You have a child, so you know what a tantrum looks like. Sometimes, when us adults are throwing a tantrum, we just need some time to get our feet under us again, just like a child. I imagine he is trying to teach you a lesson on some level as well, just like you were trying to teach him a lesson. You want to make sure though, that you never use breaking up, or asking him to leave, as a way to teach a lesson. It creates a lot of instability and a lack of trust. Without trust in a relationship, there is no solid foundation. He lost his brother at see, which means there are feelings of abandonment he carries. And now, you just asked him to leave which would trigger those feelings of abandonment. I’m not saying he is even aware of this happening inside of himself and I could be wrong. But you DO know that he is having a very big reaction. Whenever someone has a really big reaction to something, you know that whatever happened in the current situation just triggered some emotions / feelings they are already carrying inside of themselves from past experiences.
I think it’s important for you to find some compassion for him, for whatever he is feeling right now. It’s big enough that he is doing something he has never done before…which just means he is really hurting. When you soften and stop asking about whether or not it’s over, he may calm down.
Since he isn’t really willing to talk at the moment, maybe you can hand write him a letter. It can be really simple or more extended. Say things like, “I am sorry for asking you to leave. It’s not what I want, because I can’t imagine my life without you. You are my best friend, you make me laugh, you make me feel safe in your arms….I should have asked you to leave. That is NOT a way to solve any kind of problem and that was my fault and something I must work on immediately. What I really want is to work through things with you and no one else. I know I am challenging and I know I mess up, a lot. But what I really want is to be all of that with you. We will be messy, but I really want to commit to being messy with you and commit to working through it together. I understand you want to leave, but I will still be here and open to figuring this out….”
How does this approach feel for you? Thoughts on what I have said?
Heidi
Hi Colleen!
This is SPECTACULAR! Now you are getting it! I’m so glad you are connecting to the TRUTH that you are enough, just as you are. If he is not inspired to embrace you, relish you, connect with you…that’s okay! As long as you stay connected to the value that you are know you are, the landing when you fall is that much easier. You are spot on knowing it’s the landing, not the fall that hurts the most. I’m glad you chose to wait and be patient. He reached out which feels sooooo good! Remember that! Have you guys talked about when to meet up again?
Heidi
Hi Debra,
Do not get discouraged or compare yourself to your friend, or any other person for that matter. I know it’s hard, but there is NO TRUTH that you are doing something “wrong” and your friend did something “right” for her to have found the person she wants to marry. There are soooooo many dynamics that are happening, beyond what you can even see or know, that bring people together.
I also want to invite you to get clear about some standards of how you want to be treated. Because YOU are confused, they are going to be confused. You DO NOT decide how to behave according to them. You decide how to behave according to what you are inspired to be. For me personally, I have certain requirements before I allow someone into my space or I try to enter theirs. For example, if a guy talks about himself the entire time, I know he is not really interested in knowing who I am…that’s a no way am I letting you into my space kind or giving you any part of my energy kind of scenario. I ask a lot of questions to get to know the deeper parts of who they are, without them really knowing it. For example, I might ask what they are like when they get angry. I ask what their reputation was like in high school. I ask about their passions and dreams. I ask about the worst moment that someone really hurt them was and what did they do. These kinds of questions can reveal what kind of deeper person they really are. Of course I don’t ask these questions all at once. I space them out and let the conversation lead me into those types of questions, one at a time. It gives me a sense if they are the kind of person I am willing to exchange further energy with.
Here is the thing Debra. When you are on a date, you need to thinking that you are the best thing EVER. And that THEY need to be working for YOUR attention, not the other way around. This is your heart we are talking about here. This is the most precious and valuable commodity you carry and they need to work their asses off, to earn the right to experience something so sacred and precious. If you are ready to fall in love and have a more serious experience, dating is like a job interview. You are interviewing them for the position, not the other way around.
This is not about you changing who you are in order to get more attention or find a guy. This is about you being EXACLTY who you are and if a guy doesn’t respond, they are not the right fit for you…plain and simple. A guy can tell how a woman feels about herself. If you don’t know, act, talk, behave like you know your value, then you will not catch their attention. A man wants to feel a woman who is solid inside. He wants to know she has confidence in herself. He wants to know she can be solid, even when he is not. He wants to know she can take care of herself and not be needy with him. Would you say that is the energy you are projecting??
Heidi
Hi Carol!
This is great! I’m glad you are in alignment with fixing some things first before requiring more from him. As far as not running away, the first thing to realize, is that is something that will show up again for you. There is a reason why you want to run so quickly. Do you know what that is? I know that tends to be my knee jerk reaction as well, but it has taken a lot of internal work, forgiveness of my father and other things to help me understand what was happening, why and how to control it. Taking that journey inside of yourself is really important. It’s not something that just goes away because you decide to change. And when you do figure it out, you can say something like this: “So I was talking to someone the other day and they asked me why I am running. I realize I have done that 2x to you now and I have done with other guys as well. And I made the connection that it’s because when I was young……(then tell what happened). I don’t want to do this anymore. I know my impulse will come up again, but I want you to know I am going to work on this. How can anyone ever feel safe with me if I just bolt anytime something gets hard in the relationship?? I’m so sorry! That is no way to treat someone I really care about. So I am aware of it now and going to work on it. I just wanted you to know.”
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Carol!
Welcome! We are glad you are here!
What this really sounds like is that you both are on different pages and your communication needs to get much better with each other. You both are blaming each other for the challenges that are showing up. It doesn’t sound like either one of you are really listening to each other to solve the challenges that are showing up. Just “dating” seems to be stressful, so I imagine the idea of being in relationship would make it that much worse.
He has admitted to not feeling safe with you in the sense that you just walked away. You broke up with him and then you guys kind of get back together and then you ask for a 2 week break. That is where I would start….I would suggest that you make the very first commitment that you are not going to walk away when things get hard. That you will commit to working through the challenges and not make walking away an option. It will help build trust with him and that is so important.
There is also a much better way to communicate. Let’s talk about how you specifically talk with him about what you need. Whenever I need something from a guy, my approach is always curiosity. Every single person has a different viewpoint about situations, right? So I get curious about his viewpoint. I ask questions, I listen, I ask more questions, I share my opinions and as I understand how HE works more and more. Creating conversations where you are learning each other’s perspectives and the “why” behind those perspectives, creates bonding.
Would you be willing to just put your need on hold right now for a commitment? Instead, just focus on listening more and asking more questions to understand how he is feeling, validate how he is feeling and take the lead. Many times, when you create conversations like that, the guys will follow and be better listeners as well. And it’s important to prove to him that you are not going to walk away or take breaks and that you are going to stay and work through things with him. Maybe just start with the conversation that you would like to hold off on sex for a bit, but that you really want your relationship to flow better. You want to get to know him better, you want to spend more time together. Get on the same page about how you want to approach this.
thoughts??
Heidi
Hi Deb,
You are not alone!!!! I would have to say this and ghosting are 2 major “issues” with online dating. It’s quite common actually. There really are a lot of men who are only interested in having sex. They know that talking with women is an important key to getting into bed, so they are willing to take the necessary steps, say what they need to say in order to get what they want. In my opinion, when a guy says that to me, I think “I am being saved from a seriously messy experience!”
Sometimes I also take loooong breaks from online dating, because it really can be very brutal with the amount of rejection that happens and the very disrespectful ways people go about it. Maybe it is time you take a break from online dating and just go have some fun with friends. Look for more organic ways to meet a guy. Join Meetup and find groups that do the same activities you do and just go have some fun meeting all kinds of new people!We can also discuss your thoughts about what may be happening. If you want to share about what you guys are talking about, that will be helpful. Is there anything common happening between each situation? Meaning, are there common things you are doing or saying with each guy? When you meet in person, is there a sense about what you are noticing from them? Do they seem not interested from the moment they are meeting you or as the conversation continues?
Heidi
Hi Colleen,
There is a bit of a game here, but you do want to play it. It’s actually a very important part of the process and here is why. You NEED TO KNOW he is going to chase you. If he doesn’t initiate, then you end stepping in and taking that role and at some point, that will not feel good for you. You need to allow him to activate a very natural part of himself…the hunter. And if he doesn’t activate that part of himself and lets you do all the work…then things really get out of balance. You want to be wanted don’t you??? Let him show you he wants you! If he doesn’t show you that, then that is important information you need to know. Make sense?
Many women struggle with this aspect, so you are not alone. They typically want to spend every spare moment of their time with the guy because we are just built to be strong connectors! It’s a wonderful thing, but sometimes it’s not. Men just don’t function in the same way. They help us slow things down 🙂
As far as your Saturday night, why not create a date with yourself?? Create a wonderful night full of nourishing activities with yourself. If you won’t date you, then why would he want to date you…right? Whenever I have a free Saturday evening, I find a way to make it the most nourishing evening possible. I may make a new recipe, I might go to a movie, I will look around for events that might be fun to go to, I LOVE going on super long walks exploring different areas with my dog, I might treat myself to dinner at a place I have been curious about. You can create a wonderful evening just for yourself! I know you would prefer it with him and it still is obviously your choice as to whether you want to offer that him and initiate or not. Whatever you choose to do, it’s all okay! You will take whatever happens next in stride.
Thoughts?
Hi Harmony,
I LOVE that you are asking this question about why you want to break up when there is an argument. This usually stems from a very large part of you not feeling safe within yourself. I actually have the very same response. I have a tendency to want to disconnect VERY easily. It stems from a lot of trauma from my past. It used to control me, but now, I have control over that response. First, it’s a VERY IMPORTANT guideline to follow to NEVER make decisions in the heat of emotion. Whenever we head into intense hurt etc, we actually go into flight or fight response, the lower part of our brain. I use a scale of 0-10. If I rate my emotion higher than a 5, I don’t make any decisions. I work on myself and get below a 5, then I start to think about what to do….this is when I know my higher brain functioning is more in play.
Second, it’s important to get comfortable with arguments. When you are not with him, you can work on re=programming how you feel about disagreements, large or small. All they are, are things to work through, not to run from. I like to use the belief that “I love us, messy and all. And we are going to get messy, but I am committed to getting messy with you and being okay with that. We will work through it.” If you love this man, that means loving all that happens in a relationship with him. Arguments are wonderful ways that expose our own “fault lines.” It shows us the cracks in our emotional system where false beliefs live. Arguments, although they suck and hurt, are wonderful ways for you to learn about yourself and the areas you need to heal…hence exposing your need to run when things get tough.So how about between now and your next argument, you first connect to where you might have learned this behavior or where it stems from. Look into your past. Next, reframe your thoughts about arguments and hurt. Hurt has many gifts for you, if you are willing to view it that way and work with what your hurt is telling you.
Does this all make sense?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
First, I just want to say that I am so happy you finally are feeling that connection with him again and that he is on board with really wanting to grow the relationship with you. I understand why these 2 things are making you feel a bit nervous as well.
First, it’s important for you to understand that you it sounds like you are choosing to be with a guy who is not comfortable being alone. It sounds like he always needs to have a woman’s attention on some level, in order to feel good about himself. He is jumping from one relationship to the next, without really allowing himself the time to process the loss. There is something inside of him he is running from. Being alone is something MANY people are really terrified of. The fear tends to live in the subconscious, but is always influencing choices (hence him always having a woman to connect with). So my guess is, disconnecting from you, would drive him to want to find another woman to connect with, which is most likely why he re-connected with his ex.
Here is the thing Rebecca. It is so crucial that you let him be EXACTLY who he wants to be. If he wants to stay connected to her, then he gets to do that. The moment you restrict someone from doing something they want to do, your role becomes the parent telling the child what they can’t do and that’s not healthy. So instead, you say your feelings about the situation and then let THEM decide how they want to handle it. How they handle it then gives you some good information about the kind of person they are, which in turn helps you continue to decide to stay with them or part ways. That’s the basic formula. If he is choosing to stay connected with her, despite how uncomfortable it is making you feel, then your choice is to either figure out a way to get comfortable with it and accept that he is choosing not to honor your feelings, or go your own way. It sounds like this time around, you handled it much better, even though I imagine you were freaking out inside and still probably are. This is the time when you connect to your little girl saying “I got you. No matter what happens, we are going to be okay. I love you, I will fight for you and I will always be connected to you, even if that isn’t his choice.”
As far as the condoms, let it go. Of course he thought about having casual sex. Men think about that kind of stuff quite often. We ALL have thoughts that are our own private thoughts (thank goodness!) No need to get nervous about something that didn’t even happen. You are putting some energy around a “hypothetical” story about what he was thinking and feeling as he went home. It’s pointless. There have been many times I have done things in one moment and changed my mind later. It’s just a normal part of life. You want to put importance on his actual ACTIONS, not his thoughts.
So all in all, it sounds like you picked a guy who hasn’t really dealt with his deep wounds, causing him to jump from one lady to the next. Just like your trust issues leak into the relationship. You both have things that need to be dealt with. What is MOST important, is that you both deal with them. That’s all that really matters in the end. When challenges arise, do you both work through them honestly and authentically? Do you both stay and not run from the challenge? Do you treat each other with respect during the process? Do you both grow and learn from the challenges? These are the important questions to answer.
How does saying all of this make you feel?
Heidi
