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Hi Rhonda!!!
Well done on communicating with your boss! woooohooo! So glad it was a productive and effective conversation! She took it really well! That’s a HUGE win right there!
Most people avoid disappointing another person. It’s uncomfortable. I know this may sound weird, but it’s important to get comfortable with someone else’s pain and discomfort. Pain is a such a gift in the sense that it allows each person the opportunity to learn, grow and connect better to themselves. But it has to start with you first. When you get comfortable with your own pain, hurt and unease and you just work with it when it shows up instead of run the other way….then you will get more comfortable when someone else is feeling that way. The need to “fix” is coming from a place of fear vs. staying connected to the truth that it will all be okay. Does this make sense? So when someone is upset with you and you say “I’m sorry” to try to calm things down…it’s just fear talking. One thing you could say differently is, “I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. Tell me more about this. Help me understand what is happening for you right now.” That’s a more authentic way to connect with someone and give them space to express what they are feeling. Does that help?
Okay…let’s work on your profile next. It’s never too long if you tell a good story, right? There are a few things that need to be taken out and can be said in person. You start coming across as confident and telling a good story but then lose that momentum and stop telling the story, so your profile feels more dis-jointed vs. flowing well together from start to finish.
Let’s just start with the very first paragraph and we will go from there. First, take out the “free, white and 21.” It has the potential to really activate someone as it can be reflective of what they are not or what other people in the world are not. I’m also a little confused. Your post title is “older single trying to date again,” but here you are saying you are 21. So which is true? I would also suggest to take out any reference to the person reading it. So when you say, “I’d rather spend time with you” it’s actually not a true statement because you have no idea who “you” actually is. Here is another way to write the first paragraph. It’s a great way to start out!!!
“My very favorite thing about my life is that I can wake up on a weekend morning and Little Boy Blue (my car) and I can head off on any adventure we want to. And trust me, he definitely has a mind of his own! After grabbing my morning cup of joe, he’ll often take me places that are surprising to me. Being that I am very passionate about wildlife / nature photography, my cameras always accompany us on our adventures. Often times one of my kayaks goes along and in the winter, my snow shoes get some good use. The mountains are the place where I find myself restoring from the work week. It’s a place where the challenges of life just seem to melt away and I feel the closest to God because I am interacting with His creation.”
So see how this feels for you. When you read this paragraph, do you feel engaged? Do you feel it expresses what you want to communicate?
re-write it, add to it and send it back…and then we will work on the next paragraph.
Heidi
Hi Kalela!
Welcome! This is such a tough topic isn’t it? Money issues is usually in the top 3 reasons why people get divorced. It is such a SENSITIVE topic and represents soooo many things to each person.
Let’s start with getting a little more detail first. How have you brought it up before? When you say it gets tense, what does that mean? You both get tense? In what ways does it get tense? How do you guys resolve it?
Heidi
lol! I totally get it and there is some truth in it! If you end up friend zoning him, then it will just be that! It will head in the direction it is meant for.
How is the flirting between you guys? I know you know how to flirt. Is he responsive? Do you feel chemistry between guys?
Heidi
Great! I think this is just a great place to start! Having fun together, laughing together and just being around each other in a fun way….is sooooo important! DO NOT talk about anything at this point. Just go have fun and remind him of who he is, who you are and how much fun you can have together. Keep the conversations light and easy. JUST HAVE FUN and that’s it! You can figure out more things later on….one step at a time. How does this focus feel for you at the moment?
Heidi
Those are very normal thoughts! Most people think that those same thoughts that if they looked or acted different, they would get more attention. There is a much deeper truth though. I have seen this over and over and over again through the years and from my personal experience as well. What is on the inside matters so much more!!!!
Let’s say you were thinner and prettier. You may attract more attention but that doesn’t actually mean the guys would end up really liking you. They may chase you because of how you look, but that’s about as far as that will go. It’s the inside part of you that will be attractive to the right kind of man who is a good fit for you…and that is something special and unique. Attention from men is just that…it’s attention. I imagine you want more than that, yes?
Tell me what kind of relationship you are interested in having. How do you imagine your relationship being like from day to day? How does he make you feel?
I’m not saying that rejection or ghosting doesn’t affect the self esteem. I have pretty strong self esteem…finally. And when I get rejected, it does hurt! It hurts because we give our power away to another person. We allow THEM to tell us who we are instead of staying connected to what WE know about who we are. There are ways to work through it to clear the lies and get connected back to the truth of who we are. That is why my self esteem is strong. I work A LOT for it….but it doesn’t make me in-human or invincible where to where rejection doesn’t affect me. It always will. I am just capable of handling rejection in a healthy way and quickly. I call that resilience. That’s what I consider to be a healthy person emotionally. It’s not that you don’t get hurt or triggered, it’s that you are resilient. You have a skillset to handle tough moments in a healthy way. You have strong enough self esteem that allows you to heal faster. You have a support system to help you through the super sticky, tough times. Does all of this make sense?
Here is a super powerful technique that is so simple. I know it may seem “too easy” but I’ve been using it 20 years…and it works! There are a TON of videos on youtube for EFT or TFT. If you don’t resonate with this guy, just look up other people!
Let me know what you think!
Heidi
Heidi
Hi Candace,
I understand. The first thing I want you to know is that you are not alone. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this very exact scenario. Ghosting at some point, is probably 90% of the problems that people complain about when it comes to online dating. There are soooo many challenges with online dating.
I know you want to look at your experiences and think there is something wrong with you. Instead, look at these experiences in a way that bring you gifts. The first gift you are receiving is the opportunity to stay connected to yourself, to love yourself even when all of these guys are disappearing. One of my very favorite quotes is “Self esteem is the ability to see yourself as a flawed individual and still hold yourself in high regard.” This is the opportunity you have right now…you can either let these guys who disappear after a few weeks, give you the story about who you are OR you can create your own story around it. I have no doubt you want to attract a man with a lot of internal, strong self – esteem, yes??? Well that means you have to offer that in return….and it’s moments like these where you get to develop your self esteem….you get to love yourself even when someone else is not. You get to practice getting connected to the truth vs. letting the lies in whatever story you are making up about it having the authority in your life.
Take these moments and grab them by the horns and make these rejections work FOR you instead of to.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Christina!
Welcome!
So just to be clear, you guys are still living together, but you are broken up? Is that correct? You have had sex once since breaking up, but how was it when you were together? I’m not sure if you were referring to him not wanting sex to before or after your breakup…
Tell me why you want to get back together with him. Tell me more about how your relationship functioned. I know you have admitted to having anger and a temper. What is he like when challenges show up? How did you guys handle confrontation most of the time?
First and foremost, let’s deal with why he broke up…your temper. So what are you doing to work on that? It needs to be more than reading books and thinking about it. To really shift anger, deep anger, that causes a temper, it requires healing. Have you ever seen a therapist or worked with a healer of some type, to help you with this area of your life?
Heidi
Hi Sabrina,
If I had the secret to how to make a person fall in love with someone, I would be a MILLIONAIRE in a split second! lol. I wish I could give you specific answers as to how to make him open his heart to you, on that level. Truth is, love is sooooo tricky. Everyone is afraid of it, on some level. It’s a risk and there is no way around that!
What I really try to do is to get to the know the other person, on the deepest level possible. If I understand more and more about why they are the way they are, it can help with being patient and understanding their reactions…or lack thereof. For example, I would want to know about his relationship with his parents. What kind of role modeling did he receive from them? What were his past relationships like? Has he ever loved before? Has he ever had his heart broken before? What happened? What is his view of love? Most people view and experience love with a lot of wounded energy mixed in.
Are there ways for you to have some fun conversations around this topic? Can you get him going down memory lane and talking about his life growing up? Some fun questions could be, What was your reputation in high school? How did you do with the ladies in high school and college? How old were you when you had your first kiss? How was it?
How do you feel about this approach?
Heidi
Hi Zobeeda,
You are doing a great job! You are focusing on what you CAN control and getting realistic about the police. Now you know you can expect nothing from them, so you go somewhere else and figure out a different way. Well done!
Have you ever tried Sound Healing? I’m wondering if maybe something like this could be really helpful for both you and your son. Sound has been scientifically proven to help heal and release traumas and that is soooo so important for both you and your son. He needs to be able to relax in his life and let YOU take care of the both of you. Here is a course that might interest you. Just a thought:
https://www.hayhouse.com/the-power-of-sound-healing-online-course-hhuI love that you both are going to go through the self defense videos. You both need to feel like you have something you can do to protect yourselves, should anything happen again!
Keep us updated!!!!
Heidi
Rebecca!!! This is soooooooo spectacular!!! I am just grinning from ear to ear!!!
You are doing such a great job shifting your mindset, learning to stay more in the present and staying awake and aware to your thoughts and feelings…and giving them the space to mean something vs. making him the only important one in the relationship. It does take time. It does take practice and there will be many times you will mess up, but that’s normal! What matters is that you are on a good path!
And you guys are connecting so much better! Wooohooo! Now he can give his attention to you, instead of being split. This is good for him to feel himself focusing only on you. And it sure sounds like it’s paying off!!!
Thank you so much for the update! This is just so wonderful!
Heidi
Hi Candace,
This is so confusing right??? I’m so sorry this happened. It doesn’t ever make sense does it?
I would suggest to let this go. If he hasn’t initiated contact after connecting with you that much, then something is off. Who knows what it is, but you don’t want to be the one to do all the initiating. You need a guy who is going to feel like he can’t not talk to you. You need a guy who feels like he has to see you. You need a guy who fights for you. You need a guy who knows that you are quite the catch and he better be on his toes to keep your attention!
This guy is doing none of that! There was plenty of momentum happening between the both of you for him to pick up the slack and keep the connection going….and he didn’t. It doesn’t matter the “why” behind his lack of reaching out….all you need to know is that he didn’t reach out….at all! Even after having planned a date with you!!! That’s just not a good sign. Regardless of the connection or frequency of talking/texting you guys had…he is not following through. That is NOT the kind of guy you want to invite into your life.
How does this make you feel???
Heidi
Hi Martha,
I’m so sorry it took us awhile to get back to you. We do not answer posts 24/7, but we do the best we can. Thank you for your patience!
Thank you for being here and sharing your questions! I just have a few more questions.
What is your age difference?
How long have you known this guy?
Are you actually friends with him where you go hang out and have lunch or do things together? It’s helpful for us to understand how you both interact with each other.
What else do you like about him besides him wanting to become a minister?
How long has he been divorced?
What does it mean, for you, to do this in a Godly way? There are so many ways to interpret that, so I just want to make sure we are working from your perspective.Looking forward to hearing from you!
Hi Rhonda! I just want you to know you are such a pleasure to work with! You are willing, open and receptive and those are such wonderful qualities!!!
Being assertive is an ACTION you take to support your authentic self. You actually don’t even have to have other people involved. Being assertive with yourself can mean you are going to listen to your own needs and make sure you meet them. For example, if you want to get more fit, you know you need to go to the gym more. So you might be assertive with yourself by going to the gym on those days you really don’t feel like it. Or you might be assertive with yourself to eat the salad instead of the burger. Being assertive is really about knowing what you want and need, and then taking action to make it happen. There are many variations to how being assertive can be expressed though. For example, it would have been assertive for you to say that compliment to that sales guy…which, by the way, even if you had said what you were thinking, it would have made the guy smile!!! Who cares if you stumble when you are saying something!! It’s all fixable, should you someone misunderstand you! Besides, you are being your wonderful, delightful self and there could be a guy who would find that part of you completely charming and captivating!!!
As far as your profile, I would say that you do sound like you know yourself very well! You do sound confident and that you know what you want. How about spicing it up a little?? Everyone’s profile is the same. The qualities you mention about yourself are a lot of qualities that most people say about themselves, so why not approach it in a different way. One way to catch people’s attention is to create a story, or a picture about those qualities and how they get expressed in life. Here is a sample profile I have used, that I got a lot of responses from….and most of the responses were the guys saying that I sounded interesting, fun, intriguing, different….
I would pick having a food fight over fine dining. I would choose a nice walk somewhere beautiful over being entertained by technology. I give really good foot rubs ; ) I would rather make a creative dinner together at home and dive into the depths of our philosophies on life, than to get dressed up and head out on the town. I would pick waking up at 4am to see the sunrise on a mountain top over staying up until the wee hours of the morning dancing my ass off (although that can be pretty fun too!)
Laughter is my very favorite medicine. I admit that my dog is the most precious being in my life. I love chocolate and thankfully have escaped the grips of a coffee addiction! Can’t stand the stuff ; )
I am a VERY curious soul. I love asking questions, from surface to extremely deep, so conversations can get really interesting, should you want to go there.
I read a lot…everything from stupid romance novels (night time reading) to health, fitness, nutrition, metaphysics, healing, intuition, neuroscience and relationships (daytime reading).
I love to play….anything outside and active are my favorites (I do a lot of hiking with my dog), but I also love kicking back in my hammock and just being a quiet observer of all the life that is happening around me (some of the best entertainment EVER!)
I always suggest for my clients to go and read the profiles of all the other ladies on the site. See how they write, what they say, how they express themselves. Find profiles that are different and that you enjoy reading. What are the qualities you like about those profiles? What are the qualities of the profiles that bore you and are not engaging? This gives you a good place to start. You want to be different….you want to give a man a different experience when he reads your profile. Does this make sense?? For example, I loved in your profile how you talked about the animals, your little car has seen many back dirt roads…those little sentences tell and actual story about you that people can connect with vs. saying I like animals or I like nature and stopping there. Does this make sense?
SO….go read some other profiles of the ladies, write down what caught your attention, what was boring to read and most of all….I want you to write down what kind of experience you are looking for? Something light and fun, do you want to fall in love, do you want to just practice certain skills?? What do you want to attract?
Heidi
This is all great to hear!!! It must feel sooooo good to get your life back! You have had some struggles for sure!
This guy sounds great! I love that he is not the “usual.” It gives you a different experience, which is always a new way to know yourself. So I’m curious…is there anything new you are learning about yourself with this guy? Any new insecurities, strengths, thoughts that you are having with this guy? For example, I know sooooo many ladies that would start to get insecure if the guy doesn’t at least “try” to kiss them on the first date. They are soooo used to dealing with that, that if a guy doesn’t try, they start to wonder if there is something wrong with them.
Heidi
Hi Colleen!
You are asking some really wonderful, honest questions of yourself and looking at all the different scenarios!
You are correct in thinking that feelings can grow…or not. Feelings do change, but what brings people together is so layered and dynamic….FAR beyond simple chemistry.
I am in complete agreement with you in that it’s your time to choose yourself right now. There are different ways to date and I think that if you put on this mindset that I am going to just learn about myself, as I sit in front of different people…and see who I am. When I was younger, I very purposefully said yes to any guy who asked me out. I wanted to feel my judgments, what made me tick, what turned me off, how to communicate with different cultures….there is soooo much to learn as you sit in front of different people. Maybe take that perspective instead of worrying about whether or not you really like someone or whether or not there is potential??? Take it lightly and make this about YOU. Get to know yourself. You can also go the route of just being alone. It sounds like you still have some feelings to process about your wedding anniversary. I too have gone through phases of no dating, no attention…just me. It’s hard at first, but there are aspects you will get to know about yourself only in that way.
Either way, it’s all a journey of growth. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself and keep connected to your needs and HONOR them, even when someone else doesn’t. You choose you. That is the journey here.
Heidi
