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Hi Colleen,
It’s so difficult isn’t it??? All that is happening here is that you and him are on different pages. He has been very clear about what he is willing to offer and his actions do seem to align with what he is saying. However, you are allowing yourself to have deeper, more connective feelings with a man who is not available for that kind of experience….and this is what happens. You end up hoping and waiting and his responses are sporadic. It’s awful! I’ve done that many times before and it just hurts.
What is important is that you decide what is right for you. Being in this kind of relationship with him is really, really wonderful as you begin to experience new sides to yourself….it is also very rejecting….which is even more difficult as you are coming to a close with your divorce. You need to decide which of the hurt you want to feel. Do you want to feel the hurt that comes when losing him and creating closure or do you want to feel the hurt of rejection and sporadic communication? Either way is difficult, but one of the options at least has closure which can allow your heart to heal. You are having trouble NOT jumping to the end, because a part of you does not want to continue feeling this way. Staying focused on the present moment is a skill, but near impossible when your needs are not being met. Your heart is investing in him way beyond his capability to support.
Maybe it’s time to go on another date…experience other options. This can help you have other experiences and take the pressure off of this guy. Just a thought.
It’s Saturday and I imagine you haven’t heard from him yet. What can you do to make sure you have some fun this weekend??? What new adventure can you take? Maybe try something new and creative??
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
In regards to your question about wanting a guy wanting your contact information, I have found that people really approach the online dating thing differently. Some people want to spend very little time chatting on the platform. They would just rather meet instead of falling into the trap of the fantasy that gets created from talking too much before meeting. Maybe that is his reason?? I cannot speak for him, but he is not the one that matters. What is important is that you do what is comfortable for you. If you feel you need more time, just communicate that to him and how he responds will give you some good information.
As far as your “almost” statement, I would just be careful what you say. That thought you almost said, sounds very much like an invite for sex. You could say it in a different way , “You’re an attractive, sweet man. We need more of you in this world. You have made my day!” So offering a compliment is a much better way to communicate your thoughts instead of inviting them to knock on your door. Sometimes that compliment can lead into something further!
I understand your boss is intimidating and why you would feel attacked. Being assertive with your boss can be a tricky thing, as your job is at risk. I would suggest practicing being assertive in other areas of your life first, before working on it in your job. What are you willing to commit to? It sounds like you are really ready to re-program, so what area of your life are you going to consciously work on being assertive and how are you going to do it?
Heidi
Hi Anne,
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your challenge with us.
I’m a little bit confused. You said you want him to fall in love with you again, but it sounds like he never has even said the words to you. So help us understand a little more about what you want from him and the dynamics of your relationship.
It sounds like he has some strong narcissistic qualities. When he is cold, does he even talk to you? You said he has asked you to move out, but you won’t? Do you sleep in the same bed? What is he like when he is connective with you? Do you know what causes him to disconnect in the first place? Does he ever talk to you about how he is feeling and his upsets?
Heidi
Hi Zobeeda,
I know it’s disappointing that the police did not show up. It’s awful. They are there to help protect and they fell way short of what they were supposed to do for you. It’s important you say the same words to yourself as well. Make sure you forgive them for not being what they are designed to be. Forgiveness is CRUCIAL for the energy to move out of your body and not get stuck. That stuck energy is VERY toxic for you and you are the only one that will pay the price for carrying it. Plus, it acts like a magnet to attract other similar instances where your needs are not supported and valued!
I don’t understand why they are not following through with you and helping you and I am so sorry you don’t get to feel supported where you live. I’m glad to know you and your son are okay though. No physical harm was done and that is the most important. You both can work through the emotional trauma together!!
Heidi
Yay!!! This is wonderful! You have a great mindset and direction for moving forward! I have no doubt you are already doing, but just in case…make sure you really verbally appreciate him for all he is sharing with you and all the wonderful feelings you are having as a result of him sharing personal stuff with you. Don’t overdo it, as it could make him run though.
I’m sooooo excited for you guys!!!
Keep us updated!!!
Heidi
Well done! I am very glad to hear that you are pampering yourself and really making effort to pay more attention to what you need!
It’s not quite what I mean by “loving” yourself when you love someone else. Those things you are doing are so very important, so I don’t want to downplay it. What I was meaning was, when giving your heart to someone else, how do they treat it? Do they love it in the same way you love it? Do they care for your heart in a way that nourishes it? Is handing your heart to someone a loving thing for your heart? That’s what I mean by loving yourself when you love someone else. Many people feel love towards someone, yet they are handing their heart to that person they feel they love and that person doesn’t care very well for the heart they are being handed…therefore it’s not a very self loving thing to hand your heart to someone who doesn’t care for it…therefore it’s a love full of unhealthy beliefs and programs. Hopefully this made more sense.
So you are wanting to talk to him asking him about the direction you guys are heading as a couple?? Am I understanding that correctly? What’s your plan on how to ask him that? What EXACYLY are you going to ask him?
Heidi
Hi Harmony,
So it sounds like you guys are starting to figure each other again and that he is starting to come back around. You are doing great by creating a safe space for him to open up to you…it sounds like trust is being built back up, on both sides.
So what’s the next step for you, moving forward? Are you feeling better about him visiting his family and not choosing to be with you? Are you guys making other arrangements to spend time together?
Heidi
Are you being stupidly in love? That’s a great question actually. I cannot answer for you, as that is something only you really know. I do know that many times, we feel love but that love we feel is full of all kinds of unhealthy beliefs and programs that are operating in our subconscious. Being that those beliefs and programs are buried so deep, when we feel “love” it truly feels like love…but in reality, it is an unhealthy version of love.
Here is the one thing to really think about when exploring that question. When you are loving someone else, are you also loving yourself. Is loving this other person expanding you? Is it kind to you and nourishing for your soul? Is being with that person just as loving to yourself as it is for them?
This is a big piece a lot of people miss. They “love” this other person, but at the detriment of themselves on some level. This is a BIG sign that the love is full of a lot of unhealthy beliefs and programs. Maybe this will help you look at your love differently.
Let us help you with your conversation…what are you wanting to accomplish with your talk tonight??
Heidi
Hi Genevive,
It sounds like you are willing to just go with whatever design he is able to offer you. I understand this, as sometimes, having “something” is better than “nothing.” Sometimes that is true and other times, it really can make things worse.
My sense is, the more you allow him to create what he wants with you, without you inserting your needs into the design, you slowly end up losing yourself and existing in a way that just serves him and not you. You, of course, get to have that choice! Sometimes though, men don’t end up respecting that very much. A lot of men really desire to have a woman who tells it like it is, has good boundaries, is willing to say what she REALLY feels and is good at communicating. When men feel a woman’s strength in those ways, it really can draw them closer, because they know they can’t take advantage of her, they know she can take care of herself, they know she won’t be needy. Have you ever really tried this kind of approach with him??
Heidi
Hi Padmini,
Good job for acknowledging your patterns here! Overthinking / analyzing is all about our need for control in a situation. You are trying to protect your heart and have quite a bit of fear, so you try to control that by analyzing and thinking about every little thing so you can be “prepared” and not get hurt. Does this resonate for you?
That is a great question about how NOT to do that. First, whenever you are finding yourself overthinking, stop for a moment and address the root cause. Ask yourself in that moment, “What am I afraid of? What exactly am I trying to control right now?” Then address those concerns you have. Get yourself very present and connected to the moment. And remind yourself that no matter what HE chooses, you are valuable, loveable and amazing, whether or not he chooses you. YOU CHOOSE YOURSELF, instead of relying on him to choose you. Instead of allowing yourself to continually over analyze, stop yourself and create a different story. Create the story of your resilience. Create the story of how amazing your life is, with or without him. Create the story that even if he were to hurt you again, you will be okay. Create the story that you are resilient. This is a good place to start.
How does this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!
Thank you for all the updates! They are wonderful!
The video just offers the basics. You are absolutely correct that there is sooooo much more to the feminine energy. We could talk for days about it. I wasn’t sure how much your really understood or thought about it, so I sent you one that was very basic.
I’m glad you had a wonderful weekend camping and that you met a man who was really kind and attentive to your needs. Let’s talk about this for a second. Did you feel some chemistry with him? Meaning, did YOU feel attracted to him? It doesn’t matter what he feels. I’m wondering you are having thoughts of him as a potential date just because he paid attention to you, or do you actually find him attractive and interesting? If he hadn’t paid all of that attention to you, do you think you would have noticed him and been drawn to him? For now…there is nothing to do with him. He needs to initiate, so you just sit back and relax and just relish in how he treated you. He gave you a super wonderful experience of what it CAN be like!!! Maybe that is the only gift he was really meant to give you.
As far as your niceness, that makes a lot of sense! You have been well programmed! It’s a lot of work to de-program but very possible. Your goal is to make sure you are making decisions from a place of truth, instead of fear or instead of from the programming. Being assertive is ALWAYS appropriate when it is coming from a place of truth. Yes, there are consequences sometimes that you won’t like, but that is normal. Many times, I have lost things for being assertive. I wouldn’t change it though. I needed to set boundaries or speak my truth and that was what was most important.
Being assertive has many different designs to it. It can look like setting a boundary, it can look like voicing an opinion, it can look like standing up for yourself, it can look like joining a cause….there are so many different ways to be assertive…but the common denominator is that it is an expression of you. It is a thought, feeling, opinion that comes from deep inside you that becomes externalized for the those around you to see. This is so important, because it allows the people around you, to know who you are. If you are always doing what everyone else wants, then no one knows who you really are, right? If you like movies, watch the “Runaway Bride.” It’s a great example of a woman not being assertive and then having to learn what that means for herself.
So let’s explore this a little more with you. Just pick one area in your life, where you feel comfortable starting to be assertive with. Can you think of something? Maybe it means that when you receive a meal that is cold or you don’t like, you ask the server to fix it or replace it instead of saying nothing. Maybe you decide that you are going to buy an outfit that makes you feel spectacularly sexy instead of playing it safe and conservative…just giving you some ideas to get your mind thinking of all the possibilities….
Heidi
Hi Harmony,
You really had a rough childhood! Well done on grabbing it by the horns and working on your healing!!! You are quiet the warrior maiden!
Your guy sounds like a guy I used to date. He turned everything I said into something it wasn’t. It got exhausting. I would spill my heart out and be vulnerable and the next thing I knew, I was having to explain it and defend it, because he would turn things around. It always made me kinda shake my head and think, “Were we just in the same conversation?” lol. My guy would tell me to “relax” too. The truth is… it’s a big insecurity you are dealing with, inside of them. He is more consumed with his thoughts and story than being present with you and truly listening. He can’t help it, as his low self esteem is running the show. It’s A LOT of unresolved crap that he is carrying around.
It sounds like you are not feeling heard, fought for or truly valued in the way you are needing. Yes? So where do you think this is leading you? Do you feel that this guy values you in a way that is healing and supportive? Does this guy inspire you to be more of who you are? Do you feel known and seen by this guy?
Heidi
Hi Tiana,
Maybe it’s time to just have a real heart to heart conversation and let him know how you are feeling and you need his help. You can activate his hero instinct this way. “Help me be a better partner for you. Teach me the way bay to support you.”
If you don’t quite feel ready for a talk, you can begin to create some fun things to do together. Why not plan a meal where you cook together, or get some tickets to a sporting event. It sounds like you guys are in some serious need of some fun together. Help remind him of who he is and who you guys are together. Find ways to get him engaged in connecting with you, but in a fun way. When’s the last time you guys got all fancied up and when on a date together??
I understand your need to want to leave and to stay. Whatever it is that you decide, it’s just important that you communicate how you are feeling at some point and allow him to respond and be part of the design of the next steps.
Heidi
This is great to hear Candace. It sounds like you are finding your balance again. Being consumed is really difficult to deal with. It can take some time to get back grounded again, which is sounds like you are doing. Finding our balance, when we have been knocked off our center, is the spice of life, right?
Keep us updated as to how you are feeling and anything new that happens!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
It sounds like you got exactly what you wanted from him. And I’m glad it came from his choice and not from you pushing him into it. This way, there won’t be any resentment coming from his direction.
Now you guys get to really focus on your relationship with that cloud lifted. I’m excited for you! Keep us updated as to how things are going!!!
Heidi
