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Hi Jessica,
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your challenges with us. What you are going through is so very difficult. I”m so sorry! It hurts like crazy knowing you gave your heart to this guy and he wasn’t authentic and honest about how he felt about your drinking and now he is with another woman. Ouch!
What should you do? That is really up to you. Right now, you are giving him all the authority in your life. You are letting him decide if he should choose you or the other woman. That can’t feel good. Let me ask you this…would you choose him? Knowing what you know about him now and how he is treating you and the decisions he is making…is he someone you want to invite into the depths of your heart and your kids’ lives? Do you respect him? Do you feel safe handing your heart to him? Do you feel safe allowing him into your kids’ world? Answer these questions from the perspective of who he is today…not who he used to be, but who he is showing you he is…today.
Heidi
Hi Alice,
Okay…so since you still want to wait for him, then it’s important that you keep your distance until he is done with the divorce and everything is finalized. He needs permission from his lawyers that all is clear. There is no guarantee he will re-connect though. Who knows how he is going to feel when everything is over. Many people are just consumed with all the crap that happens, they don’t have much capacity for other people until they sift through it all. All you can do is respect the boundary and wait and see.
What you say is really simple: “Hey…just needed to let you know the dog groomer is coming next Monday. Hoping you are doing okay! Take care :)” Keep it simple, short and then let it go. You are just gonna have to wait this out and that is part of the challenge of choosing man who isn’t emotionally available and going through a divorce. Hang in there!
Heidi
Hello!
Welcome! We are glad you are here.
I’m sorry you feel this way. How long have you been together? Do you know specifically why his family doesn’t like you? Meaning, what decisions you make that they don’t approve of? DO you like his family? How old are the both of you? Are you from different culture?
More detail is helpful…whatever you are willing to share!
Heidi
Hi Harmony,
You have a great perspective! It’s hard to follow that when you are getting triggered yourself, but that’s where the skillset comes in and a commitment for health, kindness and growth in every single situation. It sounds like that is the path you are on.
It’s hard not being able to see much of each other. There are all kinds of things you can do to keep nourishing the relationship though. I know military families are the best ones to follow. They have A LOT of practice keeping the family together when one person is gone.
Have you ever thought of mailing him some letters? I know some couples that will keep a journal…one person has the journal for a period of times and writes in it, then the other person gets it for awhile. Maybe think of some creative things you both would enjoy doing that puts some “money in the soul bank.” When you have a lot of nourishing deposits like that, it makes the hard times that much easier! “small things often” is a very good formula to follow!!!
Heidi
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
This is really interesting and very complicated. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. It’s very difficult! Have you ever met her? What happened about 6 months ago that you started feeling like he was distancing? Is that when she came back into the picture?
You said you don’t have emotional intimacy. Why do you think that is? I know you want to blame on her being in the picture, but I’d like to know any other thoughts you might have about it. Before 6 months ago, how would you say your relationship was? Did you guys talk a lot and you felt that deep connection with him? Did he share a lot of his life with you?
When you tell him how uncomfortable you feel about the situation and when you confront him, how does the conversation go? What does he say / do in return? Do you guys come up with any kind of agreement? Do you feel listened to by him? DO you feel he is happy in the relationship with you?
Heidi
Hi Tiana,
That sounds like a defeated type of response. Maybe you are at your end? What is happening? Are you starting to feel like you want to let go?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I LOVE all the updates! Sharing all of your thoughts and moments throughout the day is really helpful to understand more and more about who you are.
I would like to dig a little deeper in your need to find a man. Do you tend to go through phases where you feel content and happy without a man and don’t really look? Or are you always looking…wanting to find someone.
As far as the guy on the train, I wouldn’t do anything at this point. It seems, in your mind, he might be a possibility, because he smiled at you. That is what is leading me to ask about your motivation to finding a man. I know MANY ladies who end up falling for a guy just because he gave them attention. That attention felt soooo good, they didn’t even really consider how they felt about the guy and all the things that are important for a relationship. I’ve been in that space before too! I sometimes still drop into that. I have times where I so badly just want to be noticed or paid attention to. Like most people, my natural inclination is to search for it from the outside and hope to get my needs met by a guy. That is not a healthy mindset / energy to have when searching for someone. It feels like maybe you are in that space?? It’s just a guess from what you are telling us, so I’d like to hear from you and your thoughts about this…
I love your new profile btw! It’s really fun!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca!
I just wanted to check in and see how you were feeling about everything we are saying. Any new realizations, thoughts, feelings? Are you finding anymore clarity?
Heidi
Hi Tiana,
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing with everything. You have a lot to process and think about. Where are you at? Are you learning anything new that is helping you become more clear?We would love to hear back from you!
Heidi
Hi Kalela,
I just wanted to check in. We haven’t heard back from you, so I’m wondering if your situation has changed. Were you able to resolve the money issues? Have you changed your feelings about it?
We would love to hear from you!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I just wanted to check in and see how things were going. How are you feeling about your situation? Any new developments?
Heidi
Hi Marina,
I just wanted to check in and see how things were going. How do you feel about what I suggested? Any thoughts? Wanting to take a different approach? Any other questions?
We would love to hear from you!
Heidi
HI April!
Welcome! We are glad you are here! Thank you for sharing your challenges with us.
It does sound like there is A LOT of water under the bridge. It sounds like you BOTH have a lot of work to do on yourselves individually and then as a couple. The man you want back, is gone. That is important for you to understand. The most important thing right now, is to accept who he is today, just as he needs to accept who you are today. It sounds like you are chasing a man that is depressed and angry. That is who he today. That is how he deals with his hurt. Of course he has walls up. Those are going to stay up for awhile until the both of you really figure some things out.
This is going to take a lot of time and work to heal the relationship. I love that you are working on the Relationship Rewrite methods! Is he willing to do any work? What is the current status? Are you guys back together? Talking a lot? Trying to make things work? Or are you trying to get his attention again right now? Would you consider working with a therapist or coach to help heal things? There really are some deep rooted issues that need to be addressed in order for healing to take place. Is he on any medication for his depression?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Has he been texting you at all, even just to say hi? I like the plan. I agree…he needs to initiate now. Something is “off” a bit about this whole situation. He is sending some mixed signals. I wonder if he is aware of that?
You may also consider just asking him directly, whenever you see him next. You could say something like, “I need your help with something. I’m not quite sure how to interpret something and you are the only one who can help me. I like you and I like hanging out with you. I am very clear about that. It feels like maybe you aren’t very clear about how you feel about me. Sometimes you flirt and sometimes you don’t. There are no signs I have seen that show you are interested in kissing me and I sonder a lot…are we just creating a friendship here? So…can you help me out here?”
Just a thought…
Heidi
Hi Tiana,
So then the question lies with you…if he doesn’t know what he wants, then what do you want? He I not able to offer you what you need right now and who knows when and if that will change. At some point, something will change, as that is the nature of relationship. It will either get better or worse (at least on your side of things). So you need to decide, with the information you have right now, what you are willing to deal with.
What’s important is that if you choose to stay, you need to accept him for exactly who he is. That is so important! So you have to ask yourself, can I be with this man for 10 more year and be happy with who he is? Do I like him as a person? Do I like how I feel when I am around him? My guess is, you might not feel these kinds of things at the moment. Maybe you are not ready to let him go quite yet. If you still want to keep fighting for the relationship, then how are you going to do that? What kinds of things can you do to work on yourself to become a better partner? How can you grow for yourself and figure out ways to get your needs met?
Then you have also ask yourself, at what point do you say enough is enough and let go? What more information do you need in order to let this go?
It’s like trying to make the most beautiful cake, but one of the ingredients you are handed is 1 cup of shit. So you can have the very best ingredients on the face of the planet, but you still have to deal with that 1 cup of shit. No matter what you do, how much sugar you add, how beautiful you make it look, there just is no way that cake is going to taste good. So you can either keep trying to make the cake work or you can accept that the ingredients you have to make the cake are just not enough to ever make something that cake amazing!
So where are you at with all of this?
Heidi
