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Hello Junebug!
Welcome! We are really glad you are here and sharing your challenges with us! Let’s see if can figure this out.
Have you ever really sat down with him and talked about what you are noticing and feeling? If yes, what did you say and how did he respond?
First thing, let’s just start with a more effective way to communicate your need. When you say “I wish you…..” all the guy will most likely hear is “She is telling me I am not doing something enough to keep her happy.” Men get soooo uncomfortable and often feel defeated when their woman tells them, in some form or fashion, they are not doing a good enough job. His response is pretty typical for a guy trying to defend himself….he makes YOU the problem instead of really listening / caring about what you are saying. What you said, shut him down. First, that’s not your fault that he shut down and blamed you for how you were feeling. He has some fragility that he needs to deflect a confrontation. Many men are fragile in this area where they are being told they aren’t “performing” up to standard. I wonder what his history is with women…do you know? Is he a good communicator? Does he share a lot of his thoughts with you? How does he handle other stress in his life?
A different way to approach this to help build him up, would be using the “hero” type of approach. So instead of pointing out what he isn’t doing, point out what he IS doing. You would say, “Do you know that every single time I receive a text from you, I smile and I get butterflies? I love hearing what you have to say. It’s really fun to get to know you.” SO you find ways to keep encouraging him and letting him know how GOOD it makes you feel when he connects. That could inspire him to want to do more.
Another approach would be using curiosity to find out what is happening. “You know, I’ve noticed you are not texting as much. Is there something happening in your life right now that is keeping your attention? Or maybe you feel yourself pulling back a little? I’d love to hear about what is happening and if there is anything I can do to support you better. Or if you just need more space, that’s okay too. I’m just curious.” This approach is about creating a safe space for him to be honest with you, if he chooses to reveal what is happening.
Does this make sense???
As far as what to do next, absolutely send him a message for his birthday!!! It’s a GREAT time to re-connect and a very appropriate time for you to offer many compliments and appreciation for his life!
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
I understand you want things to go back the way they were. Reality is, that is the past and that is where it needs to stay. You need to deal with today and stop trying to make things go back to the way they used to be. That is a very dangerous trap to fall into.
He may be afraid of you starting to drink again. I think his fear is healthy and normal. You cannot guarantee that won’t happen. In this moment, you are strong and solid about your choices, but people who have been sober for 30 years, still fall off the wagon. It’s important for you to be aware there is ALWAYS the potential for alcohol to enter back into your life. It may help him embrace you more. Instead of trying to convince him you will never drink again, you want to tell him your plan about what you will do, if it does start to become an issue. That will make him feel more safe with you. Does this make sense?
I know you want her out of the picture, of course! It’s his choice though. You cannot force him to do anything. So if you don’t want to compete, then step out of the picture and let him feel the loss of you. Let him feel what his life is like without you. That actually may wake him up a bit to the reality of his choices. Right now, he gets to have both of you ladies because you are allowing that. It is YOUR choice to participate and as long as you keep saying yes, there is no reason for him to cut the chord on either of you. Why would he? He is getting everything he wants? SO remove yourself as a choice and you might just see him back pedal really fast and start fighting for you and cut ties with the other girl. Or maybe no…I don’t know. Either way, it’s information you need to know about him right? You want to be fought for, so make him fight for you.
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Thanks for the update. It sounds like there is some movement forward and you guys are on the same path…at least in the direction of being like-minded. But it doesn’t sound like you guys are connecting freely through the heart.
There is not much you can do about him. Those are his challenges and ones he has to face. He still may be hurting about losing his “friend” so suddenly and that triggered a feeling of a lack of safety inside…like not feeling okay to trust a woman. I don’t know, but either way, those kinds of blocks will always be there until he deals with it.
What you can do, is deal with your blocks. You talked about not trusting him. What are you doing to work on that fear of yours? How are you dealing with it? How much of this block you feel, is in you vs. inside of him? My sense is, it’s probably both of you. Sometimes if you take the lead and deal with your fear, your block, it shifts the energy in the relationship enough to create new levels of connection.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Marina,
It sounds like he is going through quite a lot. For men, having their work / purpose life in order is REALLY important. Most men, that don’t have that figured out and feel solid with it, don’t have much left over for relationship.
I understand you are really missing him. What if you took a different mindset for a bit and experiment and see what happens.
Why not let go of your needs for right now and allow him some time to figure this part of his life out first. Why not try understanding that he is REALLY struggling right now and is doing the very best that he knows how. So what if you became super supportive, to help him deal with this stress, instead of adding more stress by being unhappy with how he is treating you. I’m not saying do this permanently. I’m saying, just experiment with taking a different approach and see what happens. So what if you made sleeping arrangements to be together again. Soak up every moment he has to offer you and value it. Focus ALL of your attention on what you DO get from him instead of what you don’t get from him, which is where your focus is right now. When you go to the event, whether he pays attention to you or not there, you can still go have some fun. Instead of feeling “left out,” maybe change your perspective and see that talking with his friends, or whoever he is connecting with, are ways he is trying to get his needs met. He is hanging on at the moment and more in survival mode. When people are like that, they need to get their needs met in ALL different ways. So trust his process and not view it as a rejection of you. Have you asked him lately how you can best support him? Keep providing the space for him to vent to you, talk to you about his struggles and value that time together. Every moment you spend connecting, view it as a time where you can help fill up his tank to keep facing his challenging life right now.
Try this mindset and approach for a few weeks and see if he starts responding to you differently.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
This makes so much more sense. Thank you for sharing!!!
That’s so cool that the man initiated conversation on the train! Look at you putting out the vibe and within days, he reaches out and says hello. Your energy must be a strong presence! A new friend on the train means good conversation, one more person who notices you in the crazy world and male energy where you get to practice socializing!
Have a great vacation!!
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
I’m glad you staying grounded and not being consumed by the change. Something may not have shifted. He really may have legitimate reasons for not texting. I would wait until he gets back before determining if something has changed at all. When does he get back?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
I again, just want to give some gold stars for the work you are doing! You are practicing compliments, yes? I would love to hear some examples! I’m not sure what you meant that you needed to make a list. What would the list be for? You are doing such great work with getting to know yourself and starting to take some action on becoming the kind of person you want to be. It’s a process isn’t it? It’s a life long process actually, but what’s most important is that you are on the path. Well done!
As far as your boyfriend, you can take a couple of different approaches…it just depends on what feels comfortable for you. Me personally, I tend to be more blunt. I would say something like, “Hey listen. I know you are wanting to plan a visit to come see me in October. First, I just want you to know that it really is okay if it’s too much to deal with right now. I would love to see you, but if you would rather not come, I fully accept that too. I’m sure we will see each other at some point.” Saying something like that is more about letting him know that you will be okay if he doesn’t come visit. It’s helping him feel the freedom to make a decision from a true authentic place, not obligation. Since you told him your feelings were hurt when he cancelled his last trip, there may be a part of him trying to follow through with October because he doesn’t want you to be upset again. Do you feel okay saying something like this? Do you feel you can not get upset if he cancels the visit?
Another approach is to just keep doing what you are doing. Give him the full freedom to plan the trip and you just keep answering whatever questions he has and just see how it all plays out.Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Nicole!
We haven’t heard from you in a bit…how are you doing? Any new updates? More questions?
We would love to hear from you!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Okay…so now that you have identified what he IS giving to you, what do you feel is missing? Be specific. What isn’t he giving you that you want from him?
Have you ever read the 5 Love Languages? Like Kanya said, it is not uncommon that our partner is giving to us (in their expression of love) but we miss it because we don’t define it as love. So he may believe he is actually giving you way more than what you feel he is giving you.
Take the quiz and have him take the quiz and it may help you both realize some new things about each other!The other reality is that he is dealing with depression. It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who is having some mood challenges. It costs a lot more on your end, trying to manage it, dealing with his follies and mess ups and helping him try to survive his life. Depression is anger turned inwards. So he is carrying A LOT of emotions and that affects you! The longer it goes on, the more it starts to wear on your spirit. So I cannot say whether you are being too negative or too needy. Regardless, your feelings matter and deserve some deeper exploration. So let’s keep digging and see where we end up! So just answer the questions I mentioned at the beginning and we can go from there!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!
Shoot…I didn’t mean to come across as insuitating you were desperate, although I could totally see why you got that from what I wrote. What I was saying is it feels like there could be an “out of balance” energy happening. I too have said the same exact things as you just mentioned above…wanting companionship, wanting someone to share life with me so I don’t have to do everything alone etc. When those kinds of feelings are coming up and present in my thoughts, I become aware that more of my energy is going out, than going in. So I start to examine and begin to make some changes. So I was just sensing, from what you were writing, that it seems you are out of balance…that’s all. But that’s why I wanted to ask to see if you saw that in your own life. Do you feel that people are emotionally supportive of you? Do you have some good girlfriends who really get you and help you through your life? Do you have family you can rely on?
You are really wonderful with supporting yourself through all the activities that you do. Your weekend sounds SPECTACULAR!!! and I’m excited about you going to Vancouver Island. I was just there! I loved it! I hung out in Sooke for awhile and then when to Victoria for a bit too. Victoria is beautiful!
What I’m thinking may be out of balance is more in the area of emotional connection with people…friends and family. But again…it’s just a guess which is why I am gathering more info.
I hope you really enjoy your vacation!!!!
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your challenges with us. What you are going through is so very difficult. I”m so sorry! It hurts like crazy knowing you gave your heart to this guy and he wasn’t authentic and honest about how he felt about your drinking and now he is with another woman. Ouch!
What should you do? That is really up to you. Right now, you are giving him all the authority in your life. You are letting him decide if he should choose you or the other woman. That can’t feel good. Let me ask you this…would you choose him? Knowing what you know about him now and how he is treating you and the decisions he is making…is he someone you want to invite into the depths of your heart and your kids’ lives? Do you respect him? Do you feel safe handing your heart to him? Do you feel safe allowing him into your kids’ world? Answer these questions from the perspective of who he is today…not who he used to be, but who he is showing you he is…today.
Heidi
Hi Alice,
Okay…so since you still want to wait for him, then it’s important that you keep your distance until he is done with the divorce and everything is finalized. He needs permission from his lawyers that all is clear. There is no guarantee he will re-connect though. Who knows how he is going to feel when everything is over. Many people are just consumed with all the crap that happens, they don’t have much capacity for other people until they sift through it all. All you can do is respect the boundary and wait and see.
What you say is really simple: “Hey…just needed to let you know the dog groomer is coming next Monday. Hoping you are doing okay! Take care :)” Keep it simple, short and then let it go. You are just gonna have to wait this out and that is part of the challenge of choosing man who isn’t emotionally available and going through a divorce. Hang in there!
Heidi
Hello!
Welcome! We are glad you are here.
I’m sorry you feel this way. How long have you been together? Do you know specifically why his family doesn’t like you? Meaning, what decisions you make that they don’t approve of? DO you like his family? How old are the both of you? Are you from different culture?
More detail is helpful…whatever you are willing to share!
Heidi
Hi Harmony,
You have a great perspective! It’s hard to follow that when you are getting triggered yourself, but that’s where the skillset comes in and a commitment for health, kindness and growth in every single situation. It sounds like that is the path you are on.
It’s hard not being able to see much of each other. There are all kinds of things you can do to keep nourishing the relationship though. I know military families are the best ones to follow. They have A LOT of practice keeping the family together when one person is gone.
Have you ever thought of mailing him some letters? I know some couples that will keep a journal…one person has the journal for a period of times and writes in it, then the other person gets it for awhile. Maybe think of some creative things you both would enjoy doing that puts some “money in the soul bank.” When you have a lot of nourishing deposits like that, it makes the hard times that much easier! “small things often” is a very good formula to follow!!!
Heidi
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
This is really interesting and very complicated. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. It’s very difficult! Have you ever met her? What happened about 6 months ago that you started feeling like he was distancing? Is that when she came back into the picture?
You said you don’t have emotional intimacy. Why do you think that is? I know you want to blame on her being in the picture, but I’d like to know any other thoughts you might have about it. Before 6 months ago, how would you say your relationship was? Did you guys talk a lot and you felt that deep connection with him? Did he share a lot of his life with you?
When you tell him how uncomfortable you feel about the situation and when you confront him, how does the conversation go? What does he say / do in return? Do you guys come up with any kind of agreement? Do you feel listened to by him? DO you feel he is happy in the relationship with you?
Heidi
