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Hi Kim,
What I love most about all that you said, was your honesty. When you are able to really be honest with yourself, then you are able to work on healing much easier than having to start with just opening your eyes to the truth.
Here is another truth that may help you a little. You said he hasn’t “decided” yet, but he actually has. He has decided, at this point, that he would go back to his ex if she asked. That is his decision. What’s funny is his ex is doing to him, exactly what he is doing to you. His ex has given him words of hope “maybe in 10 years” and he has given you words of hope “I think about us all the time.” You are behaving exactly like he is…holding onto some “words” that have no action to put meaning behind them. He is hoping she will want him back and hoping for another chance and you are hoping you get a chance with him. He is in limbo…you are in limbo. I’m glad you are able to understand him and relate. That is so important in order to get to a place of acceptance.
I know you have strong feelings, but once YOU decide (not him) to no longer be in limbo, you will start to be able to truly heal. As long as you keep a door open, the flood of emotions are going to want to push through. Once you close the door completely, there will actually be a feeling of peace, along with the hurt and tears, because there is closure and your system can finally relax on a certain level. It’s the hope people hold onto, that sources much of the pain.
I know you will close the door whenever you are ready though. You are strong enough to accept the truth of the situation, which means you are strong enough to say goodbye, even if he is your person. Loving yourself enough to get out of limbo means you are making YOU, your person and that’s a very impactful, important decision to make. It’s the path less traveled, but the rewards are greater.
Stay connected with us! Let us know your thoughts and struggles and where you keep getting stuck…even if you are saying the same thing over and over again. That’s okay! It’s normal and we are here to help you through that!
Heidi
Hi Nicole!
What a wonderful update! It sounds like you guys actually connected in a great way for the first time….laid back, fun, easy. I bet it felt soooo good to connect with him in that way.
Is it official that he is coming to visit in October? He has the tickets? I don’t blame his family for giving him grief about the last visit. It’s a very unkind thing for him to bring the girlfriend and then leaver her to visit you. It sounds like it was just best that he canceled and I am so glad you are able to see that! Hopefully this next visit happens and you both will be able to clear the air and re-connect in a healthy way.
So tell us some of the things you specifically want to say in the letter. We can offer some guidance on how to say certain things if you want.
Heidi
I agree with Kanya! You are a pretty kick-ass lady!! Which means there are fewer men who will be able to match all you have to offer. But that’s okay…when you do find someone, it’s going to be a one of a kind type of relationship!
Someone asked me this on a radio show last week and although it is a common question people ask, it’s far from an easy answer. So I thought I would ask you, as I’m curious what you would say. What do you imagine love will feel like when you find that person who matches you?
Heidi
Hi Junie,
You are so much fun! I can feel your excitement coming through the computer and it’s making me smile!!
Let’s go through your questions.
Absolutely give him the present /card and have a little cake or cupcake for him. I think that’s great! a book is a wonderful, thoughtful but not too intimate type of present. The card sounds appropriate…not too mushy in a way that would add pressure. And bring a little cupcake with some candles and matches and have some fun!As far as what you say to him about not having sex, you don’t need to mention the first date thing. There are a MILLION ways to say it! Just stay simple. No need to go into super detail. Simply saying, “I just want to take some time getting to know you more. Besides…I read that letting sexual tension build for awhile can really take sex to the next level. So let’s have some fun with this!” How does something like that feel for you?
As far as other things you can say to him to offer more compliments, you are doing enough!! You don’t want to be complimenting him on everything. Putting too much effort in, can create an energy of “desperateness” which he will pick up on. If you are trying soooo hard because you are afraid of losing him, then you start to lose yourself in the process. I know you want to lock this down and get a commitment from him, but don’t forget he still needs to earn your heart. He needs to show up consistently, he needs to be offering you compliments as well, he needs to show he is willing to chase you and put the effort in. So make sure you make him work for your very sacred heart. It’s the most special part of who you are.
However it goes on Monday, will determine whether or not he will ask you out again. Let him do the asking though. You are doing such a wonderful job with creating space to allow him to pursue you!!! Keep it up! What you are doing is working!!!!
Heidi
Hi Lady,
I am really sorry to hear this. It sounds like he really isn’t interested anymore. I want to re-iterate what Kanya said. There are some red flags here. He does sound pretty wonderful and how you felt when you guys were hanging out is really special! AND, he doesn’t believe in courtship, he is in some type of rush to have a family and wife and even talked about how he would treat his wife in front of you, when he has only know you for a few months. What’s the rush? You are also seeing / experiencing that he is just disappearing without talking to you about how he is feeling. I don’t now what switched in that he all of sudden stopped communicating. The details don’t really matter. What does matter though, is that he switched….he has disappeared without talking to you about anything. That’s showing you he is someone who runs away vs. staying and being authentic with you. So as much as there are a lot of wonderful qualities he has for you, he also has several qualities that do not support a healthy, growing relationship. It’s important to look at BOTH aspects, not just the good stuff. Are you sure you want to have babies with a guy who wouldn’t come get you when you were sick? Are you sure you want to keep chasing a guy who is ignoring you and not being respectful or authentic?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
We haven’t heard from you in awhile. How is everything going? How are you feeling about how things are going?
Heidi
Of course you were in love! Maybe not to your full capacity, but love has so many variables and levels. Love at 20 is different than 30 which is different at 40 which is different at 50…hopefully we are evolving, so love evolves as we evolve, right?
4 years is a good chunk of time. At what point did you realize your life approach was too different?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Is the first guy you talked about where you are taking the lead, the guy from Venezuela from the train station?
I understand why you would think you are doing something “wrong” since the whole online dating thing hasn’t resulted in what you want. It’s been a long time!
I have felt the same exact way many times. What I always come back to is this: even if I am doing something “wrong” I am still just being myself and doing the very best that I know how….and frankly, that’s enough! As long as I am continuing to grow, learn and forgive, I am heading in the right direction. As long as I am working on my deeper relationship and beliefs about love, I am doing more than most! So…the way I figure it, I am doing a darn good job with myself and one day, there will be a guy who is able to see ALL of me and want to embrace me, not run.
I also always remember that what goes into attraction include MANY aspects. There are things at play that you are unconscious of, can’t see or know and highly influence what is happening at any given moment. So…to assume you are doing something “wrong” is looking at the situation from a very limited perspective. Return your thoughts to self love and trust in God. You are complete and whole just as you are.
Heidi
I get it! Per usual, you have this well handled!!
Have you ever been in love before? a serious relatioship where you wanted to be with the guy for a long time?
Heidi
Hi Kim,
You are very wise. This is a very complicated and difficult situation. He is not available, yet you guys have this wonderful, amazing connection. That is so difficult to let go of.
I would like to invite you to trust the process. If you still invest your energy into “reeling him in over time” that means your heart is still not accepting who he is RIGHT NOW. There is no guarantee he will change. That means, YOU are split. You won’t be 100% available for a new opportunity, because part of you is still investing in the idea of this guy. Love yourself enough and love him enough to know that letting go 100% is the healthiest thing you could do for both of you. Trust that you can guys can come back together down the road if it’s meant to be. You need to live your life and he needs to face his.
Let your heart heal by letting go and stop creating a potential future with a guy who doesn’t exist. You are holding onto the potential he has, not who he really is.
Is this something you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Your trip sounds amazing!!!! I remember all those islands between the mainland and the Vancouver Island. I wanted to take a kayak out and go explore, but I was not there long enough to enjoy that aspect. Plus it was sooooo windy, it wouldn’t have worked out too well. I’m jealous of all those animals you got to cross paths with. That is spectacular!!!! I bet you have some amazing pictures!!! Maybe Canada could become a new home at some point.
I love that signed up for that Christian Singles event. You rock! I love how you keep putting yourself out there!
So this office guy sounds fun. What do you like about him? What attracts you to him?
I’m glad you have a new friend, who noticed you were gone 🙂 You probably are helping him a ton, learn how to feel more comfortable speaking English and being in a strange country. He is very brave!!!
Thank you for all the updates!!!
Heidi
man! I remember those days when I would come home at 5am! Wow! There is no way in a million years, I could do that now…lol. Youth has the advantage of being very resilient!
There have been many times where I’ve heard stories of men (who were in a committed relationship) reaching out on apps to talk to women and get them to go on a date with them, then ghosting. It’s like a game…a power fix / self esteem builder. I wonder if that is what ghosting guy did. It’s awful!!!! He is building some bad karma for sure! It’s time to forgive him and let it go. You don’t want to carry or bury those feelings of upset any longer.
So what are you going to say to shy guy??
Heidi
Hi Coco!
Welcome! We are glad you are here.
The first thing I want to say, is that you guys barely know each other. It takes some time, of being around each other in person, before 2 people decide to enter into a committed, monogamous relationship. You guys have the challenge of living on different continents, which means you only know each other through occasional visits and texting. What you are learning about each other is so general at this point. You hardly have enough information to know if this guy is a safe person when he gets angry….to know that he is a loyal kind of guy…to know you can take him anywhere and he is respectful and people like being around him….to know how he treats you while having sex. You are already wanting a relationship with him and you have only had a handful of dates. I’d like to invite you to consider slowing things down and set some standards as to what you need to know about him before you decide you want to be in relationship with him. New relationships are difficult enough to navigate as people get to know each other, so you guys have it that much more difficult with being long distance.
For now, I suggest just having fun and not taking this too seriously. That’s how he is viewing it. FWB is all about just having fun and not taking things too seriously. I’m not saying you should enter into that design, I’m just saying go have some fun with him when he visits and have fun texting, but make sure you are still dating and keeping the door open for other guys that are local. When he comes and visits, you can learn more about him and he about you and take it from there and decide the next steps at that point. Until then, keep it light, fun, flirty and simple. Guys typically respond REALLY well to having space – like when you stopped talking to him. Keep doing some of the same. Don’t always be so available. Wait a day to respond sometimes. Make sure you are still going out on dates, going out with friends and be busy. He needs to know you have a life. If he feels you are NOT seeking a relationship, he will most likely open up more. If he feels you are just having fun with him and not needing anything more than that, he most likely will want to chase you.
And then when he comes and visits, you maintain the same attitude and he can chase you in person.Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Junie!
This is spectacular!!!! I’m excited for you!!! And please DO NOT apologize for asking all of these questions. That is EXACTLY what this forum is for!!! So take advantage of it!!
First, I recommend not setting so many demands just yet. Just see what HIS plans are and then work from there. Your ideas sound great, but remember HE asked you out, which means you need to follow his plans and let him take the lead. You can, of course, offer suggestions if he asks, but it’s important you still let him feel like he is leading. For example, if he does ask if you have any ideas, you say something like, “Well, I’m not able to come all the way up there, how do you feel about meeting half way or coming to my side of town? We can do something like dessert on the beach or find a new restaurant we’ve never been to.” And then let him take it from there. Being that you want to avoid having sex, meeting half way, where you have to drive as well, is a smarter idea. If he is dropping you off at home, you may have the best intentions in this moment, but when you get in that moment and he is at your door….you are making yourself quite vulnerable. So your best bet is to drive yourself to meet him some distance from your house. Just a thought.
As far as not having sex and how to say that, you want to make it suuuuper simple. You DO NOT want to mention anything about him needing to be more invested before you have sex. That will cause him to feel pressure. You simply say, “As much as I’m attracted to you and miss having sex with you, I’m not ready yet.” If he pushes for a reason, you can say “I’m not ready. We just had our first date again. I want to take things slow, that’s all.” And leave it at that.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Hilary,
What about finding a therapist or a coach you can speak with who specializes in grief / loss? I’m sure if you looked online, there might be a group you can attend for people dealing with loss. Alcohol is a dangerous thing to start introducing right now as a coping mechanism. You don’t want to have to deal with an addiction on top of this loss. You want to find healthy coping skills. You have so much piling up! I have a ton of skills to handle my emotions in a healthy way, but if I were going through what you are going through, even I would reach out for help instantly. This is not stuff you are meant to deal with alone.
Are you willing to find some help??
Heidi
