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Hi Rebecca!
I LOVE IT!!! Isn’t so amazing to put quality products on your face and get manis and pedis?? And it sounds like even your eating is more on par with how you want to eat. You are doing such a wonderful job!!!! I’ve had a stressful few days, so you have inspired me…I’m gonna do a mask tonight and massage on my shoulders / neck. Thanks for the ideas!
Of course you can write you here every night! Share your thoughts, your struggles, your wins, whatever you need to write. We can be your journal!!! We would LOVE that!!! It’s been such an honor to get to be part of your journey through this time. We are always here for you and love that you want to keep sharing!!
It’s sooooo good to hear how grounded you are so far. You may get knocked off your center and that’s okay too!!! But hopefully, from this point forward, each day gets easier!
Heidi
Emily!!! How fun!!! I love that he did that! That’s right up your alley…spontaneous, sweet, surprising….he just had an adventure and took a risk. That says something about him! And then to have hot chocolate and spend a few hours together….it just puts a smile on my face. Thank you for sharing! What a spectacular day!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!
I totally get it!!! I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this before, but there is this guy I’ve been running into at Starbucks off and on, for about 5 years. There was a point where he came in every weekend and we would talk for at least 2 hours! It was spectacular and so much fun! I quickly learned however, he was bipolar and full of all kinds of fear and anger. Things he was aware of and told me about himself, which was attractive that he was so honest vs. putting on really good mask. There was a point that if he had asked me out, I would have said yes. There were fireworks between us, but thank goodness his fear was bigger than the fireworks!! I KNEW, from the beginning, that it was be one big drama storm if I fell for him. I KNEW there were several deal breakers. It didn’t change how he could make me feel though. Those chemicals would flush my system and drive me nuts, because those were so much more powerful than what I knew. You know what was interesting though?? I just allowed myself to sit with it and not do a darn thing with it. I learned that I didn’t have to do ANYTHING with all of those feelings. We are sooooo programmed that if we have a feeling, a connection with someone, then we act on it. I practiced the opposite with this guy and just let it be there. I didn’t resist it, I didn’t feed it. I just let it sit there and told myself over and over again….NO Heidi! You have fought too long and too hard to let go of your deal breakers. I also was very aware of how long it had been since I felt that kind of chemistry with a man. It was soooo powerful and I really wanted to give in. We are similar in sooooo many ways! Now, I run into him ever few months and we have our usual 1 hour conversation, that feels like 15 minutes. I get the butterflies every time and I miss him every time he walks out the door. Oh well! It sucks that it is this design, but it also feels REALLY good that I fought against giving in. It’s far from an easy battle, as those darn chemicals, the connection, the feelings… are soooooooo strong. So I get it!
We will miss you!
Heidi
Hi Lauren,
It’s such a special feeling when we feel we get to be ourselves with someone. It’s unique right? I understand why you want to keep fighting for this and don’t want to let this go. I understand that feeling like you can be yourself is more important than the other challenges you are having in the relationship. I get it. You are not quite ready to say goodbye and try everything you possibly can. It’s hard to let go.
So for now, being that you still have an investment in this, let’s see if we can find some things you can do to help along the situation.
Let’s get more specific. What EXACTLY are you doing / saying when he is in a fowl mood? You said that he will relax with you sometimes and that works out well. How do you relax together? I wonder if there are ways to bring more of that in your relationship. Right now, it just seems so stressful, that it might be a really good idea to go have some fun / play together. Is that possible? Have a date night, get really dressed up and go somewhere romantic. Maybe plan an evening where you go do something neither of you have ever done before. Maybe pull out some cards or a board game and play for an hour….or maybe get a really cool puzzle and work on that together. The point is, you need to find ways to pull him out of his funk and get him playing with you somehow and associating you with FUN.
thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Lauren,
It’s such a special feeling when we feel we get to be ourselves with someone. It’s unique right? I understand why you want to keep fighting for this and don’t want to let this go. I understand that feeling like you can be yourself is more important than the other challenges you are having in the relationship. I get it. You are not quite ready to say goodbye and try everything you possibly can. It’s hard to let go.
So for now, being that you still have an investment in this, let’s see if we can find some things you can do to help along the situation.
Let’s get more specific. What EXACTLY are you doing / saying when he is in a fowl mood? You said that he will relax with you sometimes and that works out well. How do you relax together? I wonder if there are ways to bring more of that in your relationship. Right now, it just seems so stressful, that it might be a really good idea to go have some fun / play together. Is that possible? Have a date night, get really dressed up and go somewhere romantic. Maybe plan an evening where you go do something neither of you have ever done before. Maybe pull out some cards or a board game and play for an hour….or maybe get a really cool puzzle and work on that together. The point is, you need to find ways to pull him out of his funk and get him playing with you somehow and associating you with FUN.
thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
You know, as hard as something like this is, some of the most powerful moments are watching yourself handle stress and loss and pain in a much more healthy way. I’ve had many of those moments where I go, “Wow…I really have changed. I really am growing and all the hard work I put in, is actually holding and working!” And it’s soooo encouraging!
You are absolutely spot on! It IS for you to deal with yourself and lean on friends. He doesn’t get to know your heart anymore. He doesn’t get to know your deepest thoughts, feelings and process….all those things are so sacred and special and he lost that right now. I really am very proud of you and how you are handling all of this!!! You are handling it in an adult way instead of a child / emotionally vomitting all over him way. Well done!!!
Please stay connected throughout this process. Use us as a place to vent, ask for encouragement…whatever you need…we are here for you!!!
Heidi
Hi Carol,
So it sounds like things are still not resolved for you even though you have had a few conversations.
I understand that how things used to be, were wonderful! It’s very difficult to let go of something that was and no longer is…because you know what is possible with that person.
One of the most important and core skillsets required for a relationship to last, is good conflict management skills / tools. Resolving conflict is very difficult for most people, but if you have BOTH people willing to learn, grow and work on things, it’s always possible.
Do you feel he is willing to work on how he resolves conflict with you? And it’s not just about acknowledging things, it takes actual WORK to get better. Things like creating a specific plan TOGETHER about how to handle conflict, reading books and becoming more educated about your own person patterns, practicing very specific skills etc. Do you think he would be willing??
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
You sure have come a loooong way! It really is a testament to how resilient you are and your spirit of fighting for more in your life. Well done!
I LOOOOOVE horses. I will never forget this day….I had just put my dog down (she was 16 and it was just her time). I was so sick and tearful and couldn’t eat. I was staying at another house at the time (dog sitting) and their neighbor owned horses. She was out and about riding and she ended up inviting me to go on a short trail ride. I accepted of course. It was only a 30 minute ride. When I walked back into the house, I realized I WANTED to eat!!! It was amazing! I was still in a lot of pain and tearful, but I was a level better than before I rode the horse. Riding that horse helped heal me and get me to the next level…without a doubt! I was just in awe!!! They are God’s beautiful creatures that are so magnificent, connected and a pillar of grace, strength and beauty! I hope you get to find a way to connect more with some horses. It sounds like it would be a really good thing for you!
You really are getting your life back on track with a normal work week and some serious fun! Well done!
A technique I teach that works really well for some people when they are dealing with someone who is verbally abusive or critical, is to imagine all those negative words coming out of their mouth just flying right past your face and your body and imagine they don’t become a part of who you are on any level. Maybe add that to your repertoire and see how that goes!
Let us know how your casual date goes!!! It sounds nice actually.
Heidi
So you love him because of who he used to be. You love him because you created a dream and a future in your mind with him. I get it.
It sounds like that love is there because of the past and not the present. It’s so hard to have everything work really well together and then not. Knowing what COULD be is many times what keeps a people in relationships long past their expiration date.
It’s really important for you to accept him for who he is TODAY. Have you directly expressed how you are feeling in this relationship?? What did he say that made you think he doesn’t see you in his future?
Heidi
Hi Karen,
The hero instinct is more about finding ways to activate their innate ability to want to rescue. So you ask them for help with things or you ask them for advice. Here are some examples: Hey…I am having trouble working through this problem at work and I know you are incredibly good with problem solving something like this. Would you mind spending some time with me and helping me with it? Or My car is having trouble and you are sooo good with cars. Would you mind taking a look? I will make your favorite dinner and give you a foot rub! So what kinds of things could you ask him for advice or help about? What kinds of things is he good at? Does he have any hobbies? Does he read? If yes, what does he typically read about? You figure out whatever they are interested in and good at, then you find a way to ask for help in those categories. Does that make more sense?
The 12 word phrase is just the way you set up asking for the help. It’s just a text say something like, “Hey…I’m having some trouble with something and would love your help.” and you leave it at that and wait for a response.
As far as your husband showing interest in you and how he responds, I would suggest making sure you are talking about your life during a time that he is actually engaged with you. Timing is a BIG thing to pay attention. Maybe you can start a conversation with him about himself, get him engaged with you and then share your life. I’m not sure when you talk to him about your life that you get those kinds of answers. If he is distracted and thinking about something else, then you may see a difference if you try this approach. If this approach doesn’t work, then I’m sorry to tell you that he is who he is. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.
There may be so much damage in the relationship that he has just disengaged himself. Maybe spend a good month complimenting him and letting him know you appreciate him and start filling him up with all the positive things instead of the negative and you might see him re-engage a little bit. Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi JS,
Wow! Brilliant job!!! You are doing some amazing work with yourself and really realizing the reality of your situation! Cutting cords is a VERY important part of the process. Keep doing it! Sometimes it takes a few times to cut them, because you might re-attach them without realizing it.
You really have connected to your truth about how you felt in the relationship. So what is it that you think could pull you back into the relationship? You said “hopefully” you will be strong enough to say no to him when he contacts you again. Why hopefully?
If you still feel like you could give in when he contacts you, it’s important to protect yourself. You don’t have to talk to him. You don’t have to let him in again. You can simply say, “I’m not interested in this cycle of getting back together and breaking up again. I’m really done this time. Please don’t contact me anymore.” If he keeps contacting you anyways, just keep ignoring him and don’t respond. If you have trouble not responding, then block his number. It is soooo crucial to protect your very sacred and precious heart. He is not someone who cares for it in the way you deserve or need. Your need to connect could become stronger than protecting yourself, so have a plan in place where you have help, you place strong boundaries with yourself and stay connected to what you REALLY want.
Does this make sense?? Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Wow. So it’s official. I am really sorry you have to go through this. Breakups are just sooooo difficult! You really did the very best you knew how to make this work. From the sounds of it, he just isn’t really capable of sustaining intimacy and that’s not your fault.
It sucks even more that he was emotionless. The truth is, he is emotionless and shut down BECAUSE he feels so hurt. Shutting down the emotions is a coping mechanism. People who shut down like that have done that for a long time. He most likely started behaving like that as a child. It just means he carries a TON of fear, guilt, shame and hurt. Anybody who is in relationship with him, is also in relationship with all of those things he carries with him. He doesn’t have control over his responses though. By now, it’s so automatic, it just happens. I used to be like him, so I know that coping mechanism super well. The only way I was able to change it was by digging through my memories and past and releasing the hurt that I was carrying. It took years and a TON of work. I know your heart hurt now and this is a hard ending. I guarantee your heart would have hurt even more had this relationship continued. You are being rescued from spending more of your time and heart energy with a guy who isn’t capable of an intimate, sustainable relationship.
So your plan now is to recover and regenerate. Now, it’s so important for you to really take care of yourself and be gentle. What kinds of things can you do to support yourself right now?
Also, whenever there is a breakup, there are certain stories, thoughts, phrases that end up looping over and over and over in our minds. Let’s identify those for you and work with them. It’s important to target them, so you can heal faster.
Heidi
Hi Lauren,
It doesn’t sound like there is much going on in the relationship. It doesn’t sound like the conversations are nourishing for you. It doesn’t sound like he has much interest in you as a person and it doesn’t sound like you guys are having any fun. It seems like you both are living more parallel lives with the exception of a few moments at the end of the day. You said from your talk, that it feels like he doesn’t really see you in his future.
So let me ask you this…why do you love him? What is it about him that makes you want still keep fighting for this guy and this relationship?
Heidi
Hi JS,
I know your heartache soooo well. It’s like the life has been taken from you. It’s hard to eat, it’s incredibly hard to function and you feel so lost! It’s awful and I wish there were a way around it. Truth is, it’s important for you to go through this. You loved him and you cared about him and that is what all the tears are for. Let it come out. Feel everything you need to feel AND know that you are going to be okay. This is just a season where you are going to hurt and feel the loss of love and dream you created around that love. You honor that dream with your tears and heartache. You are strong enough to feel all of it. You are strong enough to handle the loss, you are strong enough to have the hurt and let it just come out in your tears, you are strong enough to let go. He is not someone who is healthy for you JS. I know you love him though. It’s time to turn all of that love towards yourself and be kind and compassionate and gentle with yourself as you are in the recovery process. It’s time to close your beautiful, wonderful heart to him, as he did not treat it well. He did not honor your heart, he did not respect your heart, he did not see your heart as a wonderful gift to get to hold and take care of. You need to treat your heart that way right now. What kinds of things are you doing to help yourself right now?? You can buy some flowers and put them around your space, you can go visit a pet store and hold a little kitty or a puppy up for adoption, you can take some baths, get a massage, you can journal your heart out. Actually, one of the hardest breakups I’ve been through, I had a digital recorder in my car and I talked into recorder ALL THE TIME! I pretended that recorder was my ex and I said everything I ever wanted to say to his face. Sometimes I was angry and sometimes I was tearful and missed him. That helped a TON to get to just say it out loud, unfiltered and feel whatever I needed to feel in the moment. It helped shift my energy in a big way! I am so sorry you have to go through this kind of pain, especially on top of what you are already dealing with in your body. Keep talking to us and use this as a place to vent and just say whatever you need to say….we are here for you!
Here is a video that can help you understand some of what you are going through.
Heidi
