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Hi Rhonda,
Sometimes if I am comfortable enough with someone, I ask them straight up, “How come you feel this way?” I get curious about what is happening for them that they need to choose to feel this way. Many times, when I am able to get more details, I am able to find my compassion for them much easier, as opposed to any judgment or irritation I might feel.
When you put your guard up, imagine it’s God’s love filling you completely up like a bright golden light and then that light expands out beyond your body. That way, when you sit next to him, that energy can affect him as well. Maybe even play a little game with yourself. Try to get him to say 1 positive thing or try to get him to smile about something. Then maybe the next time, it’s 2 positive things…and see how far you can get with that! IDK…just throwing out some ideas about how to change perspectives so he is not the one affecting you, but you are the one affecting him instead. You are that powerful you know!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Of course you have some anxiety for when the hurt might take over. It’s normal, but you are spot on! It is what it is and just go with the flow. Your hurt and emotions just honor that you felt a deeper connection with him, that’s all.
I think at this point, your anger is helping to empower you to move on without him. Anger is always good like that. It feels good…it helps us feel strong. Under ALL anger is hurt. Hurt is the primary emotion and anger is the secondary emotion. When we are ready to deal with the hurt, the anger will melt away and we are left with what was fueling it. That’s when you get down to the nitty gritty.
He was doing the very best he knew how. Yes, he went in and out of your life and that is awful. It still was the most he could offer and that makes me really sad for him. He is really missing out on a wonderful opportunity to love…and he always will, until he faces whatever is going on for him.
For you, I want to encourage you to head towards forgiveness. As long as you carry the anger, you are still connecting with him and will slow down the healing process. One technique I love to use is just journaling or speaking into a recorder with the anger. Speaking is a bit easier since you get to say a lot more, but when you give your anger free reign and you say any and all things you want to say each time you get angry, you will be surprised what ends up coming up for you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Remember you are a BRIGHT light. If you really would like to help him shift, you be just as positive as he is negative. Just as his negativity affects you, your positivity can affect him. You may not see the results of it for awhile, but that’s okay. Every time you share your light with him, it plants a seed…you give him a dose of agape love and that matters!
Hi Rhonda,
That definitely is not fun. Is he the Venezuelan guy??
Either way, it’s not really your place to say something. You don’t have that kind of relationship. Besides, you saying something is not going to change his NEED to be negative. He gets to be negative. It is serving HIM somehow, even though you are struggling with it.
You have 2 choices. You can shift the conversation. You can say something like, “You know, you’ve shared a lot of your challenges in life. Tell me one of your favorite memories when you were a kid.” So asking him questions that cause him to think of positive things…this may or may not work. Your other option is to no longer interact. You can always sit somewhere else and break ties.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emily,
I understand why you are sad. Who wouldn’t be sad to get to have that kind of connection and feel a distance. I’m really hoping he really is sick and will contact you when he feels better. I can’t imagine him going to that kind of effort to see you without having any follow through. But then again, you just never know in today’s dating world. It is so unpredictable these days.
His job sounds complicated. Definitely a smart guy…I would have no clue how to talk to him about his job…I am TERRIBLE at math! Thank goodness I can make up for it in other ways..lol
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I love everything you wrote! Everything you listed are wonderful qualities that match you really well!! What a super fun beginning! I”m really excited to watch this unfold for you!!!
So what’s next? Has another date been planned? How far apart do you guys live from each other? What’s his job? And what is he going to school for? Just curious.
Heidi
Hi Rebecca!
I LOVE IT!!! Isn’t so amazing to put quality products on your face and get manis and pedis?? And it sounds like even your eating is more on par with how you want to eat. You are doing such a wonderful job!!!! I’ve had a stressful few days, so you have inspired me…I’m gonna do a mask tonight and massage on my shoulders / neck. Thanks for the ideas!
Of course you can write you here every night! Share your thoughts, your struggles, your wins, whatever you need to write. We can be your journal!!! We would LOVE that!!! It’s been such an honor to get to be part of your journey through this time. We are always here for you and love that you want to keep sharing!!
It’s sooooo good to hear how grounded you are so far. You may get knocked off your center and that’s okay too!!! But hopefully, from this point forward, each day gets easier!
Heidi
Emily!!! How fun!!! I love that he did that! That’s right up your alley…spontaneous, sweet, surprising….he just had an adventure and took a risk. That says something about him! And then to have hot chocolate and spend a few hours together….it just puts a smile on my face. Thank you for sharing! What a spectacular day!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!
I totally get it!!! I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this before, but there is this guy I’ve been running into at Starbucks off and on, for about 5 years. There was a point where he came in every weekend and we would talk for at least 2 hours! It was spectacular and so much fun! I quickly learned however, he was bipolar and full of all kinds of fear and anger. Things he was aware of and told me about himself, which was attractive that he was so honest vs. putting on really good mask. There was a point that if he had asked me out, I would have said yes. There were fireworks between us, but thank goodness his fear was bigger than the fireworks!! I KNEW, from the beginning, that it was be one big drama storm if I fell for him. I KNEW there were several deal breakers. It didn’t change how he could make me feel though. Those chemicals would flush my system and drive me nuts, because those were so much more powerful than what I knew. You know what was interesting though?? I just allowed myself to sit with it and not do a darn thing with it. I learned that I didn’t have to do ANYTHING with all of those feelings. We are sooooo programmed that if we have a feeling, a connection with someone, then we act on it. I practiced the opposite with this guy and just let it be there. I didn’t resist it, I didn’t feed it. I just let it sit there and told myself over and over again….NO Heidi! You have fought too long and too hard to let go of your deal breakers. I also was very aware of how long it had been since I felt that kind of chemistry with a man. It was soooo powerful and I really wanted to give in. We are similar in sooooo many ways! Now, I run into him ever few months and we have our usual 1 hour conversation, that feels like 15 minutes. I get the butterflies every time and I miss him every time he walks out the door. Oh well! It sucks that it is this design, but it also feels REALLY good that I fought against giving in. It’s far from an easy battle, as those darn chemicals, the connection, the feelings… are soooooooo strong. So I get it!
We will miss you!
Heidi
Hi Lauren,
It’s such a special feeling when we feel we get to be ourselves with someone. It’s unique right? I understand why you want to keep fighting for this and don’t want to let this go. I understand that feeling like you can be yourself is more important than the other challenges you are having in the relationship. I get it. You are not quite ready to say goodbye and try everything you possibly can. It’s hard to let go.
So for now, being that you still have an investment in this, let’s see if we can find some things you can do to help along the situation.
Let’s get more specific. What EXACTLY are you doing / saying when he is in a fowl mood? You said that he will relax with you sometimes and that works out well. How do you relax together? I wonder if there are ways to bring more of that in your relationship. Right now, it just seems so stressful, that it might be a really good idea to go have some fun / play together. Is that possible? Have a date night, get really dressed up and go somewhere romantic. Maybe plan an evening where you go do something neither of you have ever done before. Maybe pull out some cards or a board game and play for an hour….or maybe get a really cool puzzle and work on that together. The point is, you need to find ways to pull him out of his funk and get him playing with you somehow and associating you with FUN.
thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Lauren,
It’s such a special feeling when we feel we get to be ourselves with someone. It’s unique right? I understand why you want to keep fighting for this and don’t want to let this go. I understand that feeling like you can be yourself is more important than the other challenges you are having in the relationship. I get it. You are not quite ready to say goodbye and try everything you possibly can. It’s hard to let go.
So for now, being that you still have an investment in this, let’s see if we can find some things you can do to help along the situation.
Let’s get more specific. What EXACTLY are you doing / saying when he is in a fowl mood? You said that he will relax with you sometimes and that works out well. How do you relax together? I wonder if there are ways to bring more of that in your relationship. Right now, it just seems so stressful, that it might be a really good idea to go have some fun / play together. Is that possible? Have a date night, get really dressed up and go somewhere romantic. Maybe plan an evening where you go do something neither of you have ever done before. Maybe pull out some cards or a board game and play for an hour….or maybe get a really cool puzzle and work on that together. The point is, you need to find ways to pull him out of his funk and get him playing with you somehow and associating you with FUN.
thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
You know, as hard as something like this is, some of the most powerful moments are watching yourself handle stress and loss and pain in a much more healthy way. I’ve had many of those moments where I go, “Wow…I really have changed. I really am growing and all the hard work I put in, is actually holding and working!” And it’s soooo encouraging!
You are absolutely spot on! It IS for you to deal with yourself and lean on friends. He doesn’t get to know your heart anymore. He doesn’t get to know your deepest thoughts, feelings and process….all those things are so sacred and special and he lost that right now. I really am very proud of you and how you are handling all of this!!! You are handling it in an adult way instead of a child / emotionally vomitting all over him way. Well done!!!
Please stay connected throughout this process. Use us as a place to vent, ask for encouragement…whatever you need…we are here for you!!!
Heidi
Hi Carol,
So it sounds like things are still not resolved for you even though you have had a few conversations.
I understand that how things used to be, were wonderful! It’s very difficult to let go of something that was and no longer is…because you know what is possible with that person.
One of the most important and core skillsets required for a relationship to last, is good conflict management skills / tools. Resolving conflict is very difficult for most people, but if you have BOTH people willing to learn, grow and work on things, it’s always possible.
Do you feel he is willing to work on how he resolves conflict with you? And it’s not just about acknowledging things, it takes actual WORK to get better. Things like creating a specific plan TOGETHER about how to handle conflict, reading books and becoming more educated about your own person patterns, practicing very specific skills etc. Do you think he would be willing??
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
You sure have come a loooong way! It really is a testament to how resilient you are and your spirit of fighting for more in your life. Well done!
I LOOOOOVE horses. I will never forget this day….I had just put my dog down (she was 16 and it was just her time). I was so sick and tearful and couldn’t eat. I was staying at another house at the time (dog sitting) and their neighbor owned horses. She was out and about riding and she ended up inviting me to go on a short trail ride. I accepted of course. It was only a 30 minute ride. When I walked back into the house, I realized I WANTED to eat!!! It was amazing! I was still in a lot of pain and tearful, but I was a level better than before I rode the horse. Riding that horse helped heal me and get me to the next level…without a doubt! I was just in awe!!! They are God’s beautiful creatures that are so magnificent, connected and a pillar of grace, strength and beauty! I hope you get to find a way to connect more with some horses. It sounds like it would be a really good thing for you!
You really are getting your life back on track with a normal work week and some serious fun! Well done!
A technique I teach that works really well for some people when they are dealing with someone who is verbally abusive or critical, is to imagine all those negative words coming out of their mouth just flying right past your face and your body and imagine they don’t become a part of who you are on any level. Maybe add that to your repertoire and see how that goes!
Let us know how your casual date goes!!! It sounds nice actually.
Heidi
