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Hi Morgan,
I am soooo so sorry to hear this. I know your heart must have just sank having to hear all of that. It can be soooo confusing to hear how much he loves you, all the while dating another girl. I know how badly you just want him to figure this out.
I understand your fears. I know you want him to be truthful with the other girl and with himself. If that is not his choice, then he gets to be that kind of person. All his choices and how he handles all of this is part of him learning about the kind of person he wants to be in this world. Sometimes, we learn that by making choices that are unkind to others and hurt ourselves. That pain we feel, is the gift. It let’s us know that is NOT who we want to be and hopefully, we learn and grow from it.
Of course he loves you and I imagine he would like to end up with you someday. And that can be a very real possibility. You both just have a lot of living and learning to do before walking down that aisle. That’s something that is way down, so your attention needs to be on ways to heal your heart.
Tell me more about your fears. You are afraid he won’t figure it out. How come? What happens if he doesn’t figure it out? And let’s say he does “figure it out,” do you think that means you guys would get back together and that’s the ONLY thing keeping you guys apart? What if he does find a way to let go of the guilt, but still feels like he wants to go experience life as a single guy? What if he never tells the girl about his feelings for you? What do you think will happen?
What was your panic attack about? How did you calm yourself down?
Your full responsibility right now is to take care of yourself. You have some HARD choices to make right now. You can choose to keep overthinking, grasping for control and allowing your thoughts to torture you, or you can choose to face your fears and get control of them and start to work on your healing. You have complete control over how you handle this. You CAN be okay not talking to him. You CAN be okay giving him space. You CAN be okay if he decides to keep dating that other girl. You CAN be okay as you move forward without him. “Whether you think you can or can’t….you’re right.” Whatever you believe and CHOOSE….that’s what you will experience.
So Morgan…what is your choice? Do you want us to give you ideas about how to heal your broken heart and help you find your center again? Or would you like to stay in this pain longer and keep trying to get him back? We are here either way and will support you. There is no right or wrong answer here, as your life is your design. Some people want to stay in the pain longer and don’t want to let go…and that’s okay! Eventually you will get tired of the pain and finally want to let go…so what do you want?
Here is a video to help you understand some of what you are going through.
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Yes…you got it! Those reminders are part of the larger picture that you are not equals. He isn’t behaving nor living like a grownup and you are. With your ex husband, because you felt like equals, reminding him about a dentist appointment had the energy of just helping and not mothering. When you offer help to your current guy, there is a mothering energy to it because you know he isn’t responsible…so it changes the flavor.
I’d also like to invite you to think about something further. I know you feel it’s okay to pay for all of those things, because you want to. Consider what it still is doing to your relationship. It puts you in a position of being the caregiver and parent. It’s what his parents have done for him his whole life. They paid for everything for him. And now you are paying for the majority of what you both do socially and in travel. Whether either of you realize it or not, it most likely is crippling him in ways you can’t quite see. For a man, his deep need and core purpose in life is to be able to produce. When you take that away from a man, either because he lost his job or he isn’t making enough money, it will start to destroy him at very deep levels. Us ladies don’t respond in the same way. For us, it’s all about connection. We LIVE for connection. If you were to take away our relationships, our core would start to melt away and we would be miserable. This is one of the main differences between men and women. So you are creating this life for him that he is not earning and working hard to produce. The thing is, he is actually okay with it. The ones that are okay with it, are the ones that still have a lot of very young, teenage energy in that department. He still has to ask his parents for food and rent money. And you want to take him on trips and expect him to contribute some money? You are not creating a life with him life where he feels the REALITY of his choices. Reality is, he could never afford eating out all the time or going on trips. He doesn’t truly know what his life is REALLY like and the consequences of him not choosing to work very hard. Why should he? You have set it up really well. He has a sugar mama who takes him out all the time for food and takes him on trips of which he has to only contribute just a little. He gets to go on weeks long tours, come home broke and have his parents or you rescue him. You are fooling yourself if you think he won’t ask for money again. He will. By asking, he is inviting you into his suffering, which activates your mothering instincts and wanting to help. What an awful feeling for you, that he asks for money for food or rent. Who wouldn’t want to help someone survive the BASICS of life??? You really think you can stand by and just watch him not be able to eat or pay rent???? All the while you ask him to go out to eat all the time and take him on trips? Do you see what I’m getting at? You are contributing to his way of living and his choices, more than you realize. As adults, we have to EARN the right to go out to eat. We have EARN the right to go on weekend trips. We have to save money, we have to work, we have responsibilities and THEN we can play. You are not letting him feel the REALITY of his choices not to work hard. Why should he? He gets to play anyways. He gets to travel, he gets to eat incredible food….why should he change his behavior and how he designs his life?
I know I am hitting you hard with this and I hope it’s okay. You want a grown up as a partner and you want him to be more responsible. I am saying all of this, because I don’t think you really realize how much what you are doing is contributing to his being irresponsible. Just some things to think about.
One thing you can do is just experiment. What if money were out of the equation. You guys only do what HE can afford. That means, if you go out, you go out on your own, you travel without him and whenever you hang out, you go dutch. See what kind of relationship you guys would have together and feel the reality of your choice in a partner and he can feel the reality of his choice in how he designs his life. Just a thought…
Heidi
Hi Lana,
There really are soooo many things happening here for both of you. Not having enough money is one of the most challenging aspects for sure. You want to save your mental health FIRST and foremost, before worrying about the relationship. You are no good to him or your daughter, being super stressed out.
There are a couple of options you may be able to find. One of you could find a job that offers daycare. I know there are a lot of companies who offer that to their employees. Is it possible to enlist his parents for help to watch her while you are at work when he isn’t able to? Or find a job where you are able to stay at home. I actually have 5 different jobs, of which 4 of them, I am able to stay at home and work on all of them. Dog sitting is one of the jobs I have and I actually make quite a bit of money doing that. Just throwing some ideas out there. I think, for now, you need to find a way to get a job as fast as possible. You have got to find your own place to keep your sanity and you need to start finding ways to pay for your own life. It will help the relationship a TON!
With everything he is dealing with, I’m not he is shutting down. There is too much gunk his heart is having to deal with. It’s also not surprising he never really trusted you and gave you his full heart, because of his ex. That’s a very common thing I hear from people. He hasn’t completely forgiven her. It’s common to hold onto a piece of the past so they don’t get hurt again. What they don’t realize is they are really only hurting themselves.
It’s like what Kanya said though. It’s really going to take some time. In order to have access to his feelings for you again, all this other stuff needs to be taken care of. He can’t emotionally breathe right now, so he is naturally just fighting for survival at this point. Once he is able to start emotionally breathing again and feeling stable and confident and more clear, THEN he will be able to know what the truth is for him. So the goal at this point is just to find a way to help start to breathe. You finding a job ASAP and finding a way to support yourself and having your own space is the first step to helping heal your relationship AND helping you keep your sanity, first and foremost.
Thoughts?
Heidi
It’s not for you to help him in that way Melissa. I completely understand your need and desire to step in and offer though. You want to help! I also have no doubt that you don’t like to feel your mothering instincts with him. It’s not what you want to feel like with the guy you are in a romantic relationship with. I know I felt like that sometimes in my situation awhile back. I had to let it go and consciously choose not to activate that part of myself with him. It’s tough!!! But you don’t want to teach him that he can depend on you to rescue him. It prevents him from growing up.
Here is a story that may give you some perspective and help you feel more comfortable with him struggling. It’s a right of passage he has to go through to become a full fledged “adult.” I hope his parents soon cut the chord as well. They are part of the problem.
http://www.nutritionformentalhealth.com/enabling-codependency
Heidi
Hi Karisa,
Also, aside from compliments, just asking him for help in various ways, even if you don’t need it. For example, just today I was feeling edgy and sad and frustrated. So a guy that I work with, who feels like my big brother, helped me out…because I asked him. I knew I needed comfort, so I just asked him to hug me for a second. I was feeling off and I just need his “wonderful, beefy, strong arms to wrap around me and make me feel safe.” I used those exact words so that I could let him know that he wasn’t just giving me hug…he was providing me support and comfort and making me feel “safe” (which is a HUGE word for men). I didn’t “need” it….I would be just fine without his hug today, but by me asking for help, he got to feel good about himself too.
Just more things to think about as you begin to learn how to be a better partner.
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
You don’t seem obsessed or unstable at all. You are obsessed actually, but nothing that isn’t normal when any of us have to deal with loss. Like I previously said, losing someone you love and watching them slip away from your grip, activates powerlessness. Powerlessness is one of the most difficult feelings to deal with. It’s awful and every single one of us will grasp for anything to try to fix the situation that is activating our powerlessness. Acceptance is the way to find peace and deal with the anxiety. Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to let go of your gut feeling though. It just means you stop fighting against what is happening by trying to control and overthink and obsess. Go with the flow. You know that martial art form that teaches you NOT to block a punch, but instead let the person use their energy to punch and then you use their energy and make it bigger and add to it? Meaning, instead of blocking, move out of the way and then use your own energy and force to add to their punch to keep them moving forward and away from you. This is what we keep telling you. By trying to talk to him and hold onto him for dear life, you keep BLOCKING the flow of what is happening for BOTH of you. You have just as an important lesson here for yourself as he does. What you learn now, will teach you how to handle the rest of your life. What if you child gets cancer? What are you going to do if one of your parents ends up in the hospital? What kind of response are you going to have if you get fired from your job, because someone lied about you? What do you do if you get sexually assaulted at some point? These are all HORRIBLE scenarios and all very real possibilities. Right now, is your very first lesson in dealing with powerlessness and it sure as heck won’t be your last. If anything, what you are dealing with now is so minor compared to any of those scenarios mentioned above.
About 3 weeks ago, I was taking care of Rosie, one of my very favorite dogs that I have cared for, for about 5 years. Her parents traveled so much, it felt like she was my own on some level. This time, her parents planned a 2 month trip to Italy. 6 weeks into their trip, Rosie died…under my care. She just got sick and her heart stopped beating at one point. I had to spend the last days of her life visiting her while she was in a cage and not able to move and all I felt was powerless. I couldn’t rescue her. I couldn’t even bring her home to let her leave this earth in a peaceful and nourishing place. I couldn’t help her parents feel better as they were in Italy knowing Rosie was dying. Powerlessness is awful Morgan. There is no pain like it. Stop running from it by trying to talk to him or figure anything out. It really doesn’t matter what you feel or what your gut is telling you. It’s not what is real right now. What IS real, is that you have an opportunity right now to strengthen your faith in God and trust in yourself that no matter what happens, you will be okay. You don’t know that about yourself yet…that’s why you have anxiety. If you fully and completely had faith in God and in yourself that you are going to be okay, your anxiety wouldn’t exist. Use this time to learn about yourself and face your greatest fears. Rosie gave me those gifts as I had to face losing her and watching her slip away. That is how the challenging moments in life are meant to be experienced. I had to do a lot of EFT tapping (look up on youtube – amazing healing technique!), I had to do a few sessions with my coach, I had to cry my eyes out (and still do sometimes) and I had to really work on changing what I was saying to myself. It’s a lot of work to deal with powerlessness Morgan. I would love to see you fight for YOURSELF with the kind of energy you are spending on trying to fight for him.
Here is a story that may resonate for you. It might help you understand why letting him go and giving him tons of space is more valuable than trying to “fix” things….
http://www.nutritionformentalhealth.com/enabling-codependency
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Wow…this is a lot to deal with. Money is such an interesting dynamic in a person’s life. Our relationship with money stems from so many things in our lives.
I’m glad you took the money out of the relationship. The thing I think is more important for you to pay attention to is how you feel the need to mother him. Telling him he should pick up extra shifts before he travels is not for you to say. Worrying if he wakes up in time for work, is not for you to worry about. Worrying about whether or not he has food, rent and his basic living expenses, his work ethic, his laziness etc…these are all things that parents worry about and not something that you should be worrying about as a lover…an equal…a partner. This is an area where you are a mother to him and not an equal. It has nothing to do with his age, because there are plenty of people out there with the same issues at 90 years old.
You need to really accept that he has some challenges in this department. He gets to be lazy. He gets to not appreciate the true value of his job. He gets to go on tour for a week and come back broke. He gets to be 20 something and feel okay to have his parents and girlfriend still rescue him. He is not in enough discomfort or pain to make any changes. He is more okay with having people rescue him than to start to understand why he is designing his life this way. He knows if he apologizes enough, he will still get what he wants.
Is this something you can accept about him? Can you release your need for him to be any different?
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more details. It’s helpful.
I can see why you are struggling so much. You have a dream of wanting your family TOGETHER and he is not wanting the same thing. He doesn’t sound like a very invested or interested father either. That makes me sad. I’m glad she has you as a mother to be there for her. I still would like to suggest the same thing as before. It’s important for you to really accept him for who he is. That means you just let go and let him be him and stop wanting him to be different…whether it’s being a better father or a better friend or a better anything. The more you stop hoping for thing to be different and accept who he is, the more peace you will find. Yes, it will hurt your daughter. You can also trust that she will be okay and figure out her life, with or without her father. The best you can do is role model forgiveness and love her through all the hurt she feels and will be feeling as she gets older. Yes? Does this make sense?
Love comes in many different ways and has a lot of messiness attached to it. I think your guy loved you in the way he knows how to love…which isn’t very healthy. It’s a very limited kind of love. You feel like you love him too, but your love is limited as well. You are loving someone who doesn’t treat you very well, so would you call that love? You love a guy who plays a lot of games, is not a very present or interested father and who is not fighting for you. So understanding yourself and your version of love may help you understand his version of love as well. It doesn’t mean love doesn’t or didn’t exist between you guys, there is just a ton of messiness on top of it that is ruining the relationship.
Are you willing to let him go? Are you willing to let go of your dream of having a whole family? Are you willing to let go of a love that is deeply damaging and hurting your heart?
Heidi
Hi Karissa,
I’m just checking in and seeing how you are doing. We would love to hear and update from you and what’s happening for you!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Be kind to yourself. All the feelings and insecurities and obsessions are there for a reason. You feel all of those things because of beliefs you have about yourself that someone or something has taught you along the way. The last thing you need is you judging yourself for having feelings that are sourced from moments of hurt in your life. BE KIND. If your kids were calling themselves “losers” wouldn’t that break your heart? Wouldn’t you want to scoop them up and remind them that no matter what they are going through, they are loveable, they are valuable, they are wonderful human beings that matter in this world?? Treat yourself in the same way!
Look at your behaviors and feelings as gifts. They are there to let you know something is unresolved in your emotional/spiritual body and needs some attention….not judgment. This is a perfect opportunity for you to really dive in and find out where those feelings are coming from. Your guy is just the trigger, not the cause. No matter what relationship you are in, those feelings will follow you everywhere and express themselves in various ways, so you may as well start to face them and embrace them and work towards healing them. You will be a better partner and mother for it!
So what do you think the core root of these feelings stem from? I can’t remember if we have talked about this in the past, but if we have, refresh my memory.
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
First, it’s important to understand that whatever you think you understand about him and whatever he is going through, you still have a very limited perspective and viewpoint. You yourself are actually struggling with the EXACT same issue as he is, just in a different way. You both are split. You have one part knowing and feeling one thing and then another part knowing and feeling another thing.
For you, you have a part that “knows” you are okay without him. You “know” it’s good to give him space while he figures this out. You “know” you are meant to be together. The other part holds all your fears like “what if he ends up liking another girl?” “I’m scared he won’t figure this out” “I want to fix this for him and I know how to do that” etc. He has 2 sides to him too…obviously one part wants to be with you and the other part feels guilty for his choices with you. There is NOTHING easy about merging those 2 battling sides of ourselves when they show up. It is far from a simple fix. If it were an easy answer / solution, you wouldn’t still be split yourself. It’s more much dynamic and layered than you realized, but the best way you can understand what he is going through and how to support him, is to work on yourself and getting yourself unified. That’s where the wisdom lives for you…in the process of healing those 2 parts of yourself that are on opposite sides..the part that “knows” what is healthy and true and the part that is living in the fear.
Does this make sense?
In regards to talking and trying to become friends…it’s just not realistic. There is NO POSSIBLE way to actually be “friends” as there is too much love and connection that is still very alive in both of you. You can be cordial to each other and say hi etc. when you cross each other’s paths, but to try and talk on the phone and keep connecting as “friends” will just keep delaying what he needs to face with himself. He needs space without your input or energy coming into his life. You are what is confusing him, so taking yourself out of the equation will accelerate the process more. It’s okay if it’s weird. You both can handle it and will figure it out either way. Reality is, everyone can guide you and tell you what the next best steps are, coming from our knowledge and life experience, but you still need to do whatever you need to do. This is YOUR experience and whatever you choose, it will be difficult…either way. Either way, there are lessons to be learned. However you choose to go about your process, it will all be okay. You will learn as you go. So whatever you choose, just stick with it and see how it feels. You can always change your mind later. You are never stuck. Trust yourself.
Does this make sense?
heidi
Oh goodness Dana,
I can see why you are livid. It’s crazy making. I’m so sorry. This is good information for you to know about him. He hasn’t changed. He is someone who will choose to punish you instead of talk with you about his feelings. It’s pretty awful.
So…what does this mean for you? Do you feel like you still want to continue fighting for a relationship with him? What are you wanting to do for the next steps?
Heidi
Hi Jodi,
Welcome! We are glad you are here. What is happening for you right now that you need the phrase? We can offer some ideas if you would like to share your situation.
The phrase is about the hero instinct. Activating the hero instinct is about asking them for help with something. You can ask for advice about something, you can ask them for help to move some furniture or fix something, you can ask for help with something they know a lot about….so the phrase goes something like, “Hey, I need your help with something. Can you give me a call real quick?” Or “I need your help with something. Is this a good time to ask?” You can phrase it any way that you like. It’s just asking them for help, then they hopefully respond and ask how they can help, then you share what you want help with.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
I understand your deep desire to want to keep your family together. It’s a mother’s nature to protect and want to provide a stable and loving environment for their children.
The thing is, what you want for your daughter cannot happen right now. It’s something you have to face as a parent…you cannot give her everything she deserves, everything she wants and everything she needs. It’s so hard as a mother to face that. It’s such a powerless feeling to watch your world and dreams fall apart because of someone else’s choices. You canno make him choose you and his daughter.
The best way to find peace in all of this is to really accept him for who he is. I wish your love for him were enough to make the relationship work, but love is actually the least of what influences whether a relationship works or not.
The best thing you can do is let him go and let him be who he wants to be. In that space, your acceptance of him may actually help create healing for BOTH of you. Your acceptance also means you take care of yourself and your daughter as well. So when he visits, you have solid boundaries about how you will interact with him. Stop asking him “why” and just accept that he is messy right now and he is not interested in fixing any of that. He is pulling you into his messiness because he can. It doesn’t matter anymore “why” he is doing what he is doing. What matters most right now is for you to find your center and set up some boundaries and design the relationship that works for you. You cannot have him in your life the way you really want and you cannot keep going on this rollercoaster ride with him. So with that being said, what can you do to create some stability for yourself.
I’m not saying you are letting him go…I’m just saying to accept him for who he is right now. Taking off the pressure for him to be different, may actually draw him back to you. That wouldn’t be an unusual thing, so it’s worth trying. By accepting, you are no longer asking why, you are not longer bothering him about connecting with his daughter, you know that when he shows up he will be connective and confusing for you, so instead, YOU design the interaction and create connection with boundaries. Him feeling you solid like that is actually VERY attractive to a lot of men.
Do you understand? I know this may be confusing, so let’s keep talking about this
heidi
I am soooo so sorry for what you are going through. It really is awful!
Here is the truth. He is who he is. There is nothing you can do to change HIS behavior. The only place you can change is within yourself. He is a rollercoaster ride and you are joining him. He is driving you crazy because you are allowing him. So if you want stability, you have to create it yourself, because he sure isn’t going to give it to you.
So what can you do to create stability for you and your daughter? What kinds of boundaries can you put in place? Are you able to let the idea of him go? It sounds like you still are trying to get back together with him, so are you willing to let him go and accept that he is not someone you can be in relationship with?
Heidi
