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Hi Morgan,
Wow….a lot has happened!
I’m glad there is movement and things are shifting a bit. Even though it’s not exactly what you want, at least you guys are talking about everything.
Do you see how your need to control everything is taking over your life again?? You talking to that other girl was HUGELY crossing a boundary. It was not your place. You stepped in and took control of the situation vs. letting him do it the way he wanted. That was not okay, but it’s a good learning experience for you to see what lengths you are willing to go to in order to have control in a situation. It’s important information to know about yourself.
Let’s see if this time around, you can practice letting go of your need to control just a little bit more. I would suggest staying completely away from talking about the other girl and him. Let him be him and step out of trying to push him into something. Step out of trying to “be together forever.” Can you work on finding your peace and letting go of how and when and what to talk about? Can you let HIM take the lead and you follow??? One of the main characteristics of great leaders, is that they have the ability to follow. You were getting to the point where you were following well…you were taking care of yourself, you were praying more, you were finding peace in giving him space and then you lost yourself and your need for control completely took over can caused harm. So now that you know this is who you can be, you can watch yourself better this next time around. What can you do to calm that voice and need you have to take over the situation and force what you want to have happen?
You guys will talk about things when it’s the right time. Trust that there will be many moments where you will get to ask him questions, listen to his process and find out where he sits with everything. How and what to say….all of that will come to you when the conversation starts to happen. What I always encourage people to do, first and foremost, is have a spirit of curiosity about the other person. Ask questions from a place of wanting to understand the depths of what they are they going through. Repeat back what you hear and then ask more questions. It’s a really wonderful way for someone to feel safe exposing themselves emotionally with someone. When they feel you are curious and non judgmental, you will create a safe space for him to open up to whatever level he is ready for. Hopefully this helps give you a general idea about how to approach things.
As far as your boundaries about the other girl, you can just say something super simple like, “Listen. I know she still exists. I just have a boundary that I will not want to work on anything until that door is closed with her. So whenever you are ready to work on things with me again, you can let me know by saying, I want to fight for us. When you say that phrase to me, that let’s me know you have closed the door and ready to take our next adventure together. Until then, I will give you space to workout whatever you need to workout. I won’t ask or talk about her.”
How does that feel for you?
Heidi
Holy smokes! Look at you!!!! Well done!!!!
He is stepping up to the plate! I’m so happy to hear that. You are finding yourself in the middle of him figuring out the kind of person he wants to be in this world. I really am truly very proud of you. I know it’s scary, but you are facing it!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I understand your fear and worry. Remember, whatever problems you guys already have had and why the relationship didn’t work…is still there. You still need to see if whoever he is growing into is someone that fits into how you want to function in a relationship.
SO instead of trying to hold onto him for dear life and “plan” when and how you have contact with him, would you be willing to let go of your fear and your need to control the situation? REALLY explore your needs and how you guys fit together….just as friends BEFORE trying to fit him back into your life, because you see changes that you really like. TRUST the process. TRUST that if you guys are a good fit down the road, then you will be together again. Right now is a good time to continue to stay connected to yourself and keep growing, just like him. When you grow together, even if you are working on separate issues inside of yourselves, you bond, you share, you deepen the friendship. That’s what is most important in any romantic relationship anyways.
Are you willing to let go of the future and just enjoy whatever ends up showing up? You connect whenever you connect….no plan except to keep giving him space to have the growth he needs.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Britanny,
Welcome! We are glad you are here and you are actually asking a very powerful question!
Sex is a very, very dynamic and layered entity. There are so many things that influence a person’s interest in sex and their sex drive. Hormones, spiritual practices and beliefs, work, money, how they feel about themselves and their self esteem.
Are you okay sharing more detail? It’s hard to offer guidance when we don’t have any basic background.
How long have you been together? When did you notice his lack of interest in sex with you? Have you talked about it with him? If yes, what have you learned about his mindset? How is your relationship in general? Do you guys have good communication and connection outside of the bedroom? Do you feel you have a happy marriage?
Looking forward to more detail! Anything you are willing to share is helpful!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
So wonderful to hear from you! You have been through a lot this month.
I’m so sorry about your mom. How are you doing? What feelings are coming up for you?
Well done in dealing with your dad. You held your ground and stayed centered in who you are and how you believe while accepting him for how he wanted to believe. You role modeled for him, what he needed to do for you! Do you realize that??? Good job!
I love that you are paying attention to all of those little statements. I LOVE when those come my way. It’s like God giving me a present of how he views me. What a gift! I’m glad you are noticing and absorbing all of it!
Who is your date with on the 24th? Are you guys talking between now and then? Where are you going?
Heidi
Hi Cleo,
Thank you for sharing more details! It’s helpful.
So let me just ask you one thing. I know you love him and the connection between you guys is pretty wonderful. Regardless, you want children and he doesn’t. There is no “things could change later on down the road” kind of thing. When you make decisions based on the future, you run into trouble. You need to decide based on what is true for you IN THE MOMENT. You want kids, which means no matter how much you love him, he is not a fit, plain and simple. So what makes you want to pull him back into your life when he can’t give you what you want? You are settling. Is this something you are willing to acknowledge?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
You are asking some really great questions. First, I am sooooo happy to hear he is working on himself. It is very important for him to really get to know himself as a single guy…alone and not looking to date. Having this time to himself is a VERY crucial part of growth for him. I can see why you would be attracted to him as he is growing and learning about himself.
My suggestion is to keep giving him A LOT of breathing room. Be patient and let him have as much space as possibly needs. Love and care for him enough to support his growth in learning who he is WITHOUT a woman. This is so very important for him, so put your need to connect romantically on the back burner. If you try to pull him out of this phase he is in too soon, you will only find him falling back into his old patterns. Have the goal of just being occasional friends and when you are together, share the things you are learning about yourself and ask him lots of questions about himself and get to know the new person he is becoming…with your “friend” hat on. Stay away from flirting or adding any kind of romance into the equation. He needs to know who he is without any of that. He has been addicted to that which is why he went from relationship to relationship and constantly sought that out. Would you take a recovering alcoholic into a bar??? Does this help give you a more clear picture about how to be with him and why?
Heidi
Okay…so you set a more clear boundary about what you would like from him. Again, it sounds like he took it really well. How do you feel about what you said? Do you feel like the energy has shifted at all between you guys now that you are going to start to function differently with him? I’m curious.
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
You are getting a little better each day and that is so wonderful! Of course you still hurt and of course you have hope that you both will rejoin on the other side of this, whenever that may be. It’s how you feel and it’s all important and valuable.
In regards to writing, write anyways! Who cares that it’s all sad stuff! It is what is real for you right now and there is nothing wrong with that. Think of it this way….when we have thoughts and feelings that have nowhere to go, they get stuck in our body, our emotional system, our spirit. When you write, when you do art, when you dance and use those emotions to fuel those kinds of expressive activities, it’s giving a place for those emotions to go. That’s what healing is! When you DON”T express, your spirit gets clogged up. When you write, you create a way for those emotions to flow and turn into something different. You may only write sad things for a week and then all of a sudden you find yourself writing something happy. Give it some time and honor that your sadness is just as valuable, important and deserves attention as your happiness. So write anyways! Give it 7 days. Write every day for 7 days and see what happens. If you don’t want to write, what I have done in the past is to talk into a recorder. I keep a recorder in my car and I talk into it as if I am talking to him. I say everything and anything I want to say to him! No filter….and wow is it powerful! Sometimes I would cry and miss him, sometimes I would be angry. It was a great place to allow everything I was thinking and feeling to have a voice. That was a powerful tool I used to help me through a hard breakup and it worked really well. What kinds of things can you do that are fun? Laughing and playful kind of things are very healing as well. Can you go to pet store and visit the puppies or kitties? Can you go paint a mug? What about doing something you have never done before. Go to a museum, go volunteer somewhere, go visit some people in a hospital. The holidays are here, so there are a ton of places to go volunteer to help others.
Here is a video about tapping. EFT is a VERY powerful healing technique that helps the stuck emotion move and change into something else. Most people don’t give it much credibility, but there is actually a TON of science showing it works. If you use every single day, multiple times a day if you have to, you will feel different, even within a few days. I have been using this technique for 20 years and not once has it not worked when I’m really stressed out.
This is a place to start! Keep us updated and keep sharing everything you are feeling and doing. This is a great place to just get to be yourself. We love that you are here!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Soo….what did you say? I’m not sure if you texted that you aren’t going to help him financially anymore or if you are referring to how you don’t have leftovers for him anymore. I’m dying to know what you decided? And whatever it is, how do you feel about it? It sounds like he took it really well, which is great!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Man…that’s a tough spot to be in.
Maybe it’s time to have a conversation with him about this. Something like, “Listen. I don’t like how I feel when I am taking care of you financially. Whether it’s paying for your food or taking you on trips and picking up most of the expense, it’s staring to not feel good for me. You are making certain choices in your life where you are putting yourself in a financially challenging spot. And that’s okay. You get to do your life however you want. But I am finding myself wanting to help and rescue you from the consequences you face with your choices and it’s creating a dynamic for me that I cannot sustain, so I am going to take a step back even further. I am going to let you take the lead. We will do 100% dutch for everything we do, even if we stay at home and cook. I am not going to help you with money or food, on any level, anymore. I know this may seem harsh, but I just need to take a step back and let you do your life the way you want and stop trying to rescue you.”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
If it doesn’t resonate or if you don’t feel ready to do something like that, you can simply text in response something like, “So sorry. My leftovers are going to be my lunch tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you soon!”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Your anger, of course, is coming from your ego AND your hurt is from your heart. And not in the sense the your heart was hurt specifically attached to him. It’s just hurt because you were rejected. You have had a lot of that with guys showing up and then ghosting. So I was referring to the general hurt of being rejected. And your thoughts of “he didn’t deserve me or he couldn’t handle me” is making him (or them) less than you. It’s your ego’s way of staying in the driver’s seat and making them “less than” so you stop hurting. It’s your ego’s way of dealing with your heart or hurt reaction. If your heart were in the driver’s seat and not your ego, it would respond by saying, “Dam…that hurt and it really sucks to be disrespected like that.” You feel the hurt but then come to the conclusion that “It’s okay. It wasn’t meant to be.” NO one is better than or less than the other person. I know this process soooooo well because I have so same exact responses. My ego can very quickly jump into the driver’s seat and to be honest, I sometimes let it because it’s easier and faster. It takes strength to just feel the hurt and not “rationalize” it away. Just some things to think about and experiment with in your life.
Either way, you definitely are growing! Doesn’t it feel amazing to watch yourself naturally handle a situation differently than before? I’m glad you are finding your truth and aligning with it much faster now. You have worked hard for it and are reaping the benefits!
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
You are sounding like you are getting a grasp on things! It sounds like you are getting more aligned with the truth of the situation, who you are and who he is in all of this.
I want to encourage you to let go of the words “strong” and “weak.” The way you are using those words have a lot of judgment in them. I am strong if…..or I am not weak if…..Whatever it is that you are feeling, is all okay. It doesn’t make you strong or weak, it just makes you human. It is VERY important to pay attention to the words you are using with yourself, because your words and what you say to yourself STRONGLY affect your healing abilities. Healing is not about being strong or weak. It’s just a very difficult process and is a rollercoaster ride. For example, you have gone up and down a couple of times feeling solid in what you believe and then not. From this post, you are feeling even stronger and more clear about what you want and it even has a flavor of anger instead of obsession. Then you will have many more moments of changing your mind, having other feelings, wanting him back etc, which doesn’t make you weak. It makes you normal as you accept what is happening right now and adjust your heart, your thoughts, the design of your life. ALL your emotions are valid and have a message for you and you don’t want to categorize what you are feeling as strong or weak.
You are connecting to a lot of truths much more strongly right now which is great! It’s a sign of healing. It is true that if he decides not to tell the truth, he is not the type of guy you want in your life anyways. With that being said, he is human and you both are so young, what you both are going through and how you both are handling things is very normal for your age. It’s the time to be messy, as you both start to enter the very beginning phases of becoming more adult. The 20’s is the decade where it’s very normal to experiment, to have many different experiences, shift paradigms, develop integrity (or not)…it’s a decade where we leave the nest and figure out who the heck we are. As we enter into the late 20 and approach the 30’s, hopefully we have figured enough out to start to be ready for a family. My point in telling you this, is that he may not choose to tell the truth to this other girl and that’s okay. He will feel the consequences of that and he will even start to feel the consequences of holding onto his guilt. This is all really good for him and very age appropriate. So as you go through YOUR healing process and figure out who you are and who you CHOOSE to be through the loss of your best friend, the loss of your dream, the loss of your love….ALWAYS choose forgiveness for his limitations. You never want to hold onto any anger, resentment or judgment…it’s toxic…just as toxic as it is to hold onto guilt.
And it’s okay to still hold onto your dream of coming back together and having your gut feeling. It’s just part of who you are right now. It becomes a problem when you use those feelings to control your life and decisions, which was your starting point. Now…you are allowing those feelings to exist AND you are also dealing with the present moment as well and accepting what is happening RIGHT NOW. You are choosing to still live your life, get more comfortable with the new design of your day and giving both you and him some space. Keep forgiving him for his limitations and messiness. Forgive yourself for not being able to meet your own needs and then release all of it to God and say “I give all of this to You and You be in charge of the time it takes for my healing and You be the one to hold him accountable for his choices. I release that responsibility to You.” You may have to say that a million times, but every time you make a conscious choice to release this to God and forgive and let go of any judgments or anger, you are healing your heart every single time and you are CHOOSING what kind of person you are going to be…in your worst moments.
Well done Morgan. This time around is the most grounded I have hear you. Don’t be surprised if you lose it again and fall back into obsession and wanting to control. It’s all okay. Come back here and vent and use this as a place to just let it all go! We are here for you, no matter how you are feeling!
Heidi
Hi Cleo,
I am so sorry for what you are going through! It’s so incredibly difficult to watch someone you love, walk away.
First, before you do anything, let’s talk about why you think his reasons were “excuses” and not the real reason why he broke up.
He doesn’t want kids. Are you okay with this? This is a VERY serious topic. Many women say they would be okay with it, get the guy back and then later on try to push the guy into having a family. It’s not a kind thing to do, so it’s important you are VERY clear about what you want. Is not having kids something you can be peaceful about? Were you guys having conversations about your future recently? I’m wondering if maybe that scared him off…
The distance is hard. It’s very true. It’s a lot of work to keep a relationship going when there is a ton of travel AND a new relationship. Is there anything else that is happening for him right now that you are aware of? Did his work become more challenging? How is his relationship with his ex? Peaceful and easy? Challenging?
Heidi
A
Hi Melissa,
In regards to the travel thing and going out to eat all the time, I didn’t mean to suggest that it would change anything. People are who they are and it just is what it is. By you paying for all those things, I was saying it’s contributing to the issue. By you taking those things away and living in the REAL reality of who he is, you would get to feel that and so would he. He most likely has a very high discomfort level, so not traveling would not have an impact on his behavior and choices. He is this way for some deep reasons that he has to face someday. You just get upset about how irresponsible he is and then contribute to him being irresponsible by asking him to pay 25% for travel. That contributes to his issues. He is going to choose to go every time! Who wouldn’t??? You put him in a position, every time you travel, of having to choose to be responsible and say no, or go and have some fun, screw the money, he will figure it out somehow. I completely understand your desire to travel and have it be WITH him. It’s so much more fun that way!!! These are just some things to think about. Since he is someone who is irresponsible, you are always going to be the one paying if you want to go have some fun. That’s okay! But can you let go of the judgment and frustrations you have with his choices? It’s just what is going to happen with who you have chosen to be with. It’s not going to change and it is what it is. So can you fully embrace your choice and accept the consequences that come with it? You will find more peace that way.
In regards to saying something encouraging for setting up appointments, OF COURSE!!! Being nurturing and loving and caring and encouraging is activating your mothering instincts, but in a good way! The mothering thing becomes unhealthy when you start to tell him what he needs to do and how to be…that’s the controlling side wanting your “child” not to run into trouble down the road. But being encouraging and supportive is ABSOLUTELY a wonderful thing!! Do you understand the difference? make sense?
Heidi
