[Heidi G]

Hi Carol,

Another exercise you can try is called the non-negotiable list. Write down the qualities you HAVE TO HAVE in a relationship for you to stay nourished. Meaning…if these qualities are missing in the relationship, no matter how amazing the guy is, it won’t work. These qualities are the foundation and NON NEGOTIABLE.

So for example: I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if ROMANCE is not in my relationship, I won’t make it. I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, we have to be ACTIVE. I am an athlete and being active is part of how I live everyday of my life, so I need a guy who can join me in hiking, riding bikes for fun, willing to play sports and try new activities. Now…when I was younger, I used think he had to be “ATHLETIC” but I learned through the years, that I was actually totally okay if the guy was active….so now that’s my baseline.

Does this make sense??? Don’t think about your current guy when creating this list. Just think about yourself and the kind of relationship that nourishes you.

Here are a couple of other things on my list:
high emotional intelligence
spiritual beliefs that are flexible and always growing
active
romantic
kind and respectful even in our worst moments

Maybe getting a VERY clear picture of what your heart needs in order to function well in a relationship, you will have a clearer picture of how your current relationship compares. Just a thought

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Nicole,

That is soooo great that you get some free therapy through work!!! When are you signing up??? I can’t remember if we talked about this before…have done therapy before? I’d be happy to get you my coach’s information. She can’t work with you as long as you are seeing another therapist, out of respect for the other therapist. You don’t want too many hands in the cookies jar as it becomes ineffective.

Again, I just want to commend you on staying grounded in the truth about who he is. If he does follow through with dinner, you will know if it feels right to say some things to him. Trust yourself. No matter what happens, remember you will okay!!! Whether it goes smoothly or you both it up….remember where your heart is….your intention is to apologize and take responsibility for your behavior. Trust that and believe in it!!!

Of course you are not okay that he is in a relationship. It hurts!!! I’m glad you are finally admitting this. It means you can now start to work with the emotions that are coming up.

As far as the letter, again…you will know what feels right for you. If you decide not to give to him, you can always male it later. Let the whole situation just be fluid. Let go of the idea of needing to give it to him at any particular time. You are trying to control the situation and that just adds so much more stress. If you let it go and just trust that going with the flow is more powerful, you will find more peace. As far as your sign off, it doesn’t matter. Just singing your name is totally okay. You can always say “with love” or “I wish you the very best, always” “Big hug” “Take care (insert his name)” Do any of those feel good for you or maybe give you some other ideas??

Heidi

[Heidi G]

UUUUGGGHHH!!!

I was also JUST having this conversation with some other people last week. The dating scene has really changed over the years. I remember when the online dating thing started with Match (I actually know the founder. He found his wife through his own platform…lol). His trainer also found his wife through match. I hear MANY stories of people finding their next long term partner through the online community, but I hear MORE stories of constant frustration, from both men and women, about the lack of integrity and communication.

Here is a recent article I came across. I was really interested in the study she sited on the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

https://www.aprilbeyer.com/youve-been-ghosted-heres-why/

I have also been ghosted plenty of times…by “friends” and guys I’ve gone on dates with. Of course, like most people, I start to think, what’s wrong with me??? In that question lies the magic rabbit hole!!! Every single time, it’s an opportunity for me to love myself in the middle of being rejected….practicing staying connected to my value and not hand that power over to other people. Every single time it hurts and I feel the rejection, but I gotta tell ya, I recover faster and faster and I am sooooo thankful for that!!! It just tells me that I am stronger and more connected to myself than I used to be. So all those people who ghosted, also have given me the gift of inner strength…and I honestly would not trade it for the world. I wouldn’t want anyone in my life who ghosts. If they don’t have the courage the be honest and communicate their experience to me, that’s okay…they don’t get to be a part of my world in any real way.

I know you know all of this Emilie. I’m just saying it to give you an outside voice reminding you of the truth….ghosting is a gift for you and offering you what you REALLY want in your life…inner strength and connecting you deeper to your inner amazingness!

I just want to check in with you….it’s been one guy after another who hasn’t stepped up. A natural response would be to start to shut down. Do you feel yourself doing that at all??? How are you actually feeling?? I don’t want to know your thoughts…as you are very grounded in the truth with your mind….I’m interested in knowing how your heart is doing.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Michelle!

Welcome! We are glad you are here!

There are lots of things you can ask for his help with. Anything really….even if you don’t need his help. Advice about something, moving furniture, picking out a present for someone….

What is he really good at? Does he have any hobbies? Does he have strong opinions about anything? Those are the categories you can ask him for help with. You want him to feel successful.

What’s going on in your relationship right now? If you offer more detail, we can better guide as to other things you can also do to help repair your situation.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Don’t tuck this away anywhere!!! Store all of it in the very center of your heart where it can magnify the light within you and then shared with others!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Hannah,

What an interesting story you have. Thank you for sharing!

I just have a few questions.

1. How did you guys meet? Online? If yes, have you ever met in person?
2. You talked about that you both didn’t know how to keep things interesting. I’m wondering…how come you want him to chase you? It seems strange to me that you are wanting to work for a guy that you didn’t even feel hurt when he chose another girl…you felt relief. That’s quite the unusual response to have towards a guy you are attracted to and want to be in relationship with. So I’m wondering how you REALLY feel about him. Tell me why you want to fight for this guy.

My first response is I’m wondering why not let this guy go. You have only been talking for 3-4 months, it’s long distance and you guys have ALREADY had challenges. You guys are struggling to keep it interesting, you have already had to do some work to get him re-engaged, he started dating another girl and your reaction was relief. If you guys are struggling THIS much in just 3-4 months, I’m wondering why you feel it’s worth it to try to get his attention again. Trying to start a relationship over long distance is INCREDIBLY difficult. Most of what you know about each other are snapshots of each other’s lives. Relationships can typically survive long distance if the people have been together (in person) for awhile and they have built a solid foundation. You guys don’t have that. A lot of how you feel about each other is going to be imagined. You like each other built on these ideas of who each other are, through short moments in the day vs. having a FULL, real life view of what each other are really like.

I don’t mean to put a damper on this, as I fully believe anything is possible! I think I would like more clarity and detail from you as to why you want his attention again vs. just letting this go and finding someone local. And what EXACTLY are you wanting with him? Are you just wanting to catch his attention again, or are you hoping for a commitment from him? It will help us guide you better when we have more details.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Isabel,

Wow…I am really so so sorry for what you both are going through. There are a lot of layers here affecting what is happening. I get how confused he would feel considering, work, you and anti-depressants. Did he ever share why he wanted to go off of them?? I’m wondering if he did it properly as well. It’s risky to do something like that without having a therapist to work with you through the process.

It sounds like he is feeling very powerless at the moment. When people feel powerless, they look for any kind of control they can possibly find. It just feels like his internal world is one big tornado and he is trying to get control somehow…and the only thing he can get control over is with you. If he can stop thinking about you and the relationship for a bit, he can put his full attention on that tornado and it actually might slow down the tornado enough to be able to figure some things out.

There are no guarantees here Isabel. Whether you wait or move on, anything can happen. You could be married for 20 years and he or you decide to jump ship. Love is unpredictable and huge risk. I wish love were enough, but it’s not. Both people have to make conscious choices, DAILY, to feed the love and to keep it growing.

What you have to deal with is the information you have right now. Instead of focusing on what will happen in a few months, focus on what YOU need and take care of yourself. Give yourself some time to grieve the loss of him…even if it is for a few months. You can take all his clothes and put them in a bag or the garage or somewhere where you don’t have to see them. I wouldn’t suggest contacting his friends. He is grown man and it can feel undermining to him that you would tell his friends to look after him…as if he can’t do it himself. He needs to figure some things out and my guess is, you are actually the least of it. Most men, when they are not settled in their careers, are completely chaotic in relationship. They are built to produce in this world. They are the providers. So when they don’t have that areas figured out, their romantic relationship tend to tank. I’ve personally experienced that a handful of times as well as coached MANY women through it. Once he gets the career path all figured out, it’s like the tornado inside of them calms down and then they are able to deal with relationships with more clarity. It’s absolutely awful to be cast aside while he figures out his life. It’s necessary though. Trust his process. He will figure it out, one way or another. It may take a year, it may take just a few months. There is no way to predict that.

I love that you are starting ballet, connecting with friends and really taking care of yourself. Keep it up!! Take one day at a time and really nurture your broken heart. He can’t help you through that right now, as he is in survival mode.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Nicole,

All I can say is, WOW! I am soooooo proud of you!!! You are very grounded right now and really realizing that’s it’s time to face your trauma and clear the energy around it. I can’t tell you how much that is going to change your life. I started therapy at 18 and have never stopped having a relationship with someone who can help me through some sticking points in my life. I would love to recommend a Coach to you. She has her PhD in Psychology and was a therapist but when she moved to another state, she didn’t want to go through the testing again for new licensing, so she calls herself a Life Skills Coach now. She works with people all over the nation through Facetime or Skype or Zoom or phone. It works really well actually. Her methods are the fastest I have ever come across. She is a powerful healer! What I always suggest to people as they start to look for someone to help them, is to interview them. Call each therapist or coach you are interested in working with and give them your goals. You want to deal with certain fears that are really strong and get triggered in relationship. Then ask them what kinds of things they would do to help you reach your goals. You will get a sense about their approach and whether it feels good for you or not. Then whomever you choose, I suggest to try at least 3 sessions with them, to get a feel about who they are with you. Then at that point, don’t be afraid to try someone different or stay the course, but coaches and therapists are a very personal decision and it’s totally okay to say no and move onto the next one until you find EXACTLY what you are looking for. Pay attention to your intuition and how you feel around them. You want results! I know so many people who have been to therapy for years and hardly get any results. That’s hard earned money you are spending! No different than if you had a person trainer, you want to see and feel results of your very hard work, right?? coaches and therapists are like personal trainers for your heart / mind. If you are interested in the person I would recommend (who is very results oriented btw), just let us know and I will send you her info. through the back channels.

I think that you should write the letter. Get it all out on paper and go through it a few times. Then trust yourself to know whether or not you want to give it to him whenever you see him next. You may find an opportunity to say everything you want to him, in person. Who knows! Either way, I think it’s important for you to express your appreciation and gratitude for him as well as offer your apologies. It can be very healing for both of you. So I like your thoughts on this!!!

As far as being “friends,” I think you should just take it one day at a time. You are carrying a lot of emotions right now. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that quote!!! It’s so perfectly spot on!!! Each day you are changing and have the ability to shift perspectives and work with whatever you are feeling. So listening to your intuition and how you are feeling each day, is a good start. There’s no need to make any decisions at the moment. I think your focus can be on the letter and then the move and that’s it for right now.

You are a serious Rockstar!!! I am really excited about your decision to really get to know your fears and face them. It’s a game changer for sure!!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rhonda,

I just want to say that it really is a pleasure getting to be a part of your process. You are open and receptive, you have taken in some difficult truths, you try new things, you really work at staying positive and putting more light out into the world. It’s always so fascinating to me how people respond differently to their lives. You had a TON of negativity growing up in your life as well, yet you chose differently than Rod has. It’s not easy what you have done, to shed the gunk. It’s a very conscious choice and if anything, Rod is a wonderful mirror back to you about what you could have turned out like, had you chosen to let the negativity hang out with you. I just had a lot of respect for you and what you have done with your life!

I’m excited to hear more updates!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rhonda,

Sometimes if I am comfortable enough with someone, I ask them straight up, “How come you feel this way?” I get curious about what is happening for them that they need to choose to feel this way. Many times, when I am able to get more details, I am able to find my compassion for them much easier, as opposed to any judgment or irritation I might feel.

When you put your guard up, imagine it’s God’s love filling you completely up like a bright golden light and then that light expands out beyond your body. That way, when you sit next to him, that energy can affect him as well. Maybe even play a little game with yourself. Try to get him to say 1 positive thing or try to get him to smile about something. Then maybe the next time, it’s 2 positive things…and see how far you can get with that! IDK…just throwing out some ideas about how to change perspectives so he is not the one affecting you, but you are the one affecting him instead. You are that powerful you know!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rebecca,

Of course you have some anxiety for when the hurt might take over. It’s normal, but you are spot on! It is what it is and just go with the flow. Your hurt and emotions just honor that you felt a deeper connection with him, that’s all.

I think at this point, your anger is helping to empower you to move on without him. Anger is always good like that. It feels good…it helps us feel strong. Under ALL anger is hurt. Hurt is the primary emotion and anger is the secondary emotion. When we are ready to deal with the hurt, the anger will melt away and we are left with what was fueling it. That’s when you get down to the nitty gritty.

He was doing the very best he knew how. Yes, he went in and out of your life and that is awful. It still was the most he could offer and that makes me really sad for him. He is really missing out on a wonderful opportunity to love…and he always will, until he faces whatever is going on for him.

For you, I want to encourage you to head towards forgiveness. As long as you carry the anger, you are still connecting with him and will slow down the healing process. One technique I love to use is just journaling or speaking into a recorder with the anger. Speaking is a bit easier since you get to say a lot more, but when you give your anger free reign and you say any and all things you want to say each time you get angry, you will be surprised what ends up coming up for you.

Thoughts?

Heidi

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Heidi G.

[Heidi G]

Remember you are a BRIGHT light. If you really would like to help him shift, you be just as positive as he is negative. Just as his negativity affects you, your positivity can affect him. You may not see the results of it for awhile, but that’s okay. Every time you share your light with him, it plants a seed…you give him a dose of agape love and that matters!

[Heidi G]

Hi Rhonda,

That definitely is not fun. Is he the Venezuelan guy??

Either way, it’s not really your place to say something. You don’t have that kind of relationship. Besides, you saying something is not going to change his NEED to be negative. He gets to be negative. It is serving HIM somehow, even though you are struggling with it.

You have 2 choices. You can shift the conversation. You can say something like, “You know, you’ve shared a lot of your challenges in life. Tell me one of your favorite memories when you were a kid.” So asking him questions that cause him to think of positive things…this may or may not work. Your other option is to no longer interact. You can always sit somewhere else and break ties.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Emily,

I understand why you are sad. Who wouldn’t be sad to get to have that kind of connection and feel a distance. I’m really hoping he really is sick and will contact you when he feels better. I can’t imagine him going to that kind of effort to see you without having any follow through. But then again, you just never know in today’s dating world. It is so unpredictable these days.

His job sounds complicated. Definitely a smart guy…I would have no clue how to talk to him about his job…I am TERRIBLE at math! Thank goodness I can make up for it in other ways..lol

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Emilie,

I love everything you wrote! Everything you listed are wonderful qualities that match you really well!! What a super fun beginning! I”m really excited to watch this unfold for you!!!

So what’s next? Has another date been planned? How far apart do you guys live from each other? What’s his job? And what is he going to school for? Just curious.

Heidi

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