[Heidi G]

Hi Dana,

Oh no! I am sooo sorry to hear this. My heart is breaking for you.

First, despite the change in pattern, remind yourself that it’s only been a day. I know you guys have a way an frequency that you communicate with other and I know that when he went MIA, that activated some fear in you.

How about more details, so we can better guide you. What did you say during all those texts and “freak out?” I know you have a million thoughts going through your mind about “why” he went MIA. What are they? I know it’s been some time since we responded, so has he responded to you yet or is he still MIA?

I’m glad you backed off and gave this some space. The very first thing you need to do is to start taking care of your emotions and your hurt heart. That way, when you guys do talk again, it can be a good conversation vs. an emotional vomiting match.

Whatever has happened, remember that you are strong enough to get through this. Remember that this is all about learning about yourself, your triggers, your fears, your truth….so you can work with all of it and become a better partner. This is a very hard situation AND it’s a teaching moment. You can get through this, one day at a time.

Looking forward to more details!

Heidi

p.s. I’m really so very proud of you about your decision about Cass. Your decision to find a better home for him took an incredible amount of courage and love both for you and for him. Well done!

[Heidi G]

Hey there!

It sounds like there are many, many layers of upset that are happening in your situation.

I think one of the best places to start in order to start the journey of repairing your relationship is the gain more understanding about his experience.

There are a few things I am wondering. First, it’s a common thing for men to feel “talked at” by women. So you may be talking more than him in an argument, but my guess is, you are trying to be heard by him and you end up dominating the conversation. It’s important to learn a different approach. Can you tell us more about what happens when you guys argue? Does he EVER express how he feels? Do you ask him questions? Do you yell? How do you communicate what your feeling? Meaning….do you blame him and expect him to change and fix it or do you share how you feel and then try to work WITH him towards resolution?

It sounds like money is a big issue as well. What do you understand about him and how he feels about this? Have you guys tried to find a resolution for this? What EXACTLY is he needing to change in order to feel more comfortable about your finances?

Lastly, when you asked him for his password to his phone, essentially that put you in the “mother” role and him into the “child” role. It’s basically saying you don’t trust him and you want full access to all his personal information so you can see it all….and somehow that is going to make you feel better that he isn’t cheating. It’s a very unhealthy way to go about resolving this type of situation. It’s demeaning to him and puts you in a “power over” him type of situation and that is not healthy for either of you.

It sounds like there has been a build up of feelings between both of you and no resolution, which builds walls in the relationship. What if you ask to meet him. Apologize for asking for his password to his phone and you want to talk. You can say something like, “Hey. First, I want to apologize for asking for your password. It wasn’t the right approach to deal with how I was feeling. Would you be willing to talk? I feel like maybe there are a lot of things that need to be said on both sides. Mostly, I want to hear what you are thinking. I know there are ways I can be a better partner with you, including being a better listener. Maybe that’s just where we can start. Are you willing?”

How does something like this feel for you?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Melissa,

I am sooooo happy to hear he is connecting with you in such a special way. You both were able to cry a bit and bond through this scary time. It sounds like you have a ton of support and as you come through the other side, he will be there to take really good care of you.

I would love to talk more about your tendency to hold your emotions in and harbor them and then let them all out at once. Would you mind sharing more details? We have a lot of ideas we can offer you that can help you deal with your emotions and confrontations differently.
Tell us more about that and why you think you do that.

Really looking forward to hearing back from you…so we know you came out the other side and are okay.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Oh Rhonda,

Wow! You have a lot you are getting ready to face. Of course a lot of feelings are going to come up. It’s really good for you to know how much anger and resentment you are still carrying around. This is a good opportunity for you to process all of it.

I know you are doing something very hard. There is nothing easy about being around family that you don’t trust, enjoy or feel safe with. And your mom is dying on top of that AND you’ve had to lose some money and a fun trip you had planned. It’s a lot.

Thanks for coming here and venting!!! Good job!!!

I want to invite you to think a little differently about “honor your father and mother.” I know verses can have several different interpretations, so I would like to share with you another perspective about that verse. What if honoring your father and mother means that you forgive them and accept them. What if it doesn’t mean you HAVE to be there at your mother’s death? What if forgiveness and acceptance is enough? I recently learned my father has pretty bad dementia and is also at the end phase of his life. I spent a few days processing all the emotions that came up with it, I sent him a lot of good vibes (like I always do) and I let it all go. I will not be seeing him, as he is not a safe person for me. To me, I feel like I very much honored my father by choosing not to hold onto any hate, resentment or anger. I chose forgiveness and to send him love as he transitions. Going to see him would not be good for either of us and I feel that would be more dishonoring than anything. The verse doesn’t say honor your father and mother at the expense of yourself. I know you’ve made your decision to go and I’m not trying to talk you out of that. I am just wanting to give you another perspective about what that verse means to maybe guide you towards freeing yourself from the obligation you have created.

Remember to use your techniques that you use with your boss. Your mom still has a lot of power over you that you haven’t quite released yet, so it’s gonna take some EXTRA skills and caution as you go be around her and even your sister. Remember to fill yourself with light and let that light expand out to others and imagine that light is a shield and only TRUTH is allowed inside. Everything else just falls away. One thing I do with people I really struggle with is I say, “God, let me see this person through your eyes of truth.”

I’m sending so much goodness to you as you face this challenging time! Feel free to come back and vent all you want!!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Melissa!

Welcome! We are really glad you are here and sharing your questions with us.

First, I am so so sorry for how you are feeling right now and what you are having to face physically. It’s scary. I hope the procedure works tomorrow and that will be the end of it!!!

As far as your boyfriend goes, first and foremost, you NEVER want to get upset with your guy for not meeting a need of yours that you have never communicated to him.

My guess is, your upset is more about that you are afraid of this surgery, even though it’s “small” and you want him there with you. It’s more about what you are having to face and he is a great target for you to put your upset…it’s focused on him instead of what you are really afraid of….your procedure, your heart and ultimately the possibility of death. I imagine you have had some of those thoughts, yes?

I would not communicate your upset. What I would recommend doing, is get your needs met the very best possible way you can. When he says he wishes he was there, join in that thought. Tell him the same thing in return. Tell him you are scared. Tell him, “If you were here, I imagine that you would give me a foot rub the night before. I imagine you would be so amazing and bring dinner home and snuggle up on the couch with me and watch a good movie…..am I leaving anything out??” Invite him to join you in the game of creating ways he could help you through this situation. Use this as a time to compliment him…”I wish you were here too. Your strength and how you love me and just being around you, makes me feel like I can take on the world.” Does this make sense?? You create ways he CAN be there for you. Take your upset and put it where it REALLY belongs….your are scared and most likely are feeling really powerless….yes??

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Emilie,

It sounds like a good practice for you to start trusting your intuition more and more, as you are seeing, you are spot on with initial sense about these guys. My intuition is very strong, but it is a skill to learn when to give it full authority vs. gathering more information before making any kinds of decisions.

So it sounds like your initial reaction has a little anger in it, yes? Calling him an “asshole” and you are worth so much more than he will ever have in his life….

Anger is a secondary emotion. Meaning, anger (on any level) is always sourced by hurt. You cannot be angry without being hurt. Many times, we don’t even feel the hurt and just go straight to anger or sometimes the hurt just builds into anger. Either way, when I read your initial thought about being ghosted, I see your hurt. By thinking, “I am more than you will ever have in your life” also has a lot of hurt / ego in it. Then again, this IS technology. You are the only one who truly knows what is happening on a deeper level for you. Maybe you are hurting more than you realize? I don’t know. Just throwing that out there.

I have been ghosted many times, even on first dates and there is not a single time that it doesn’t hurt to be rejected after an investment of my energy, even on a small level. The hurt doesn’t stay long though, but it definitely bruises the ego. There is a saying that can really apply to online dating…”death by a thousand paper cuts.” I have watched people slowly become more and more numb/immune to the ghosting, the games, the poor communication (I have been tempted to take that path a few times) The longer they stay dating online, they more little tiny papercuts they get. The paper cuts are so small though…nothing significant. But what they don’t realize is their system starts to learn to protect again those papercuts by starting to care less, pulling back and putting small walls up, putting in less effort. It’s such a slow and subtle process, most aren’t even aware what is truly happening to their heart and emotional / energy system. We all need to have enough strength to be okay hurting when someone rejects us, even if there was little investment. If your initial response has any flavor of anger in it, pay attention to that and acknowledge your hurt and honor it. Admit there was a papercut and it hurts and spend time healing it. You don’t want to go numb. You want your heart to stay open and big and receptive. You want to view each guy with a clean slate and with all your papercuts healed.

I LOVED that video Kanya posted. It was so interesting!!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Carol,

Another exercise you can try is called the non-negotiable list. Write down the qualities you HAVE TO HAVE in a relationship for you to stay nourished. Meaning…if these qualities are missing in the relationship, no matter how amazing the guy is, it won’t work. These qualities are the foundation and NON NEGOTIABLE.

So for example: I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if ROMANCE is not in my relationship, I won’t make it. I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, we have to be ACTIVE. I am an athlete and being active is part of how I live everyday of my life, so I need a guy who can join me in hiking, riding bikes for fun, willing to play sports and try new activities. Now…when I was younger, I used think he had to be “ATHLETIC” but I learned through the years, that I was actually totally okay if the guy was active….so now that’s my baseline.

Does this make sense??? Don’t think about your current guy when creating this list. Just think about yourself and the kind of relationship that nourishes you.

Here are a couple of other things on my list:
high emotional intelligence
spiritual beliefs that are flexible and always growing
active
romantic
kind and respectful even in our worst moments

Maybe getting a VERY clear picture of what your heart needs in order to function well in a relationship, you will have a clearer picture of how your current relationship compares. Just a thought

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Nicole,

That is soooo great that you get some free therapy through work!!! When are you signing up??? I can’t remember if we talked about this before…have done therapy before? I’d be happy to get you my coach’s information. She can’t work with you as long as you are seeing another therapist, out of respect for the other therapist. You don’t want too many hands in the cookies jar as it becomes ineffective.

Again, I just want to commend you on staying grounded in the truth about who he is. If he does follow through with dinner, you will know if it feels right to say some things to him. Trust yourself. No matter what happens, remember you will okay!!! Whether it goes smoothly or you both it up….remember where your heart is….your intention is to apologize and take responsibility for your behavior. Trust that and believe in it!!!

Of course you are not okay that he is in a relationship. It hurts!!! I’m glad you are finally admitting this. It means you can now start to work with the emotions that are coming up.

As far as the letter, again…you will know what feels right for you. If you decide not to give to him, you can always male it later. Let the whole situation just be fluid. Let go of the idea of needing to give it to him at any particular time. You are trying to control the situation and that just adds so much more stress. If you let it go and just trust that going with the flow is more powerful, you will find more peace. As far as your sign off, it doesn’t matter. Just singing your name is totally okay. You can always say “with love” or “I wish you the very best, always” “Big hug” “Take care (insert his name)” Do any of those feel good for you or maybe give you some other ideas??

Heidi

[Heidi G]

UUUUGGGHHH!!!

I was also JUST having this conversation with some other people last week. The dating scene has really changed over the years. I remember when the online dating thing started with Match (I actually know the founder. He found his wife through his own platform…lol). His trainer also found his wife through match. I hear MANY stories of people finding their next long term partner through the online community, but I hear MORE stories of constant frustration, from both men and women, about the lack of integrity and communication.

Here is a recent article I came across. I was really interested in the study she sited on the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

https://www.aprilbeyer.com/youve-been-ghosted-heres-why/

I have also been ghosted plenty of times…by “friends” and guys I’ve gone on dates with. Of course, like most people, I start to think, what’s wrong with me??? In that question lies the magic rabbit hole!!! Every single time, it’s an opportunity for me to love myself in the middle of being rejected….practicing staying connected to my value and not hand that power over to other people. Every single time it hurts and I feel the rejection, but I gotta tell ya, I recover faster and faster and I am sooooo thankful for that!!! It just tells me that I am stronger and more connected to myself than I used to be. So all those people who ghosted, also have given me the gift of inner strength…and I honestly would not trade it for the world. I wouldn’t want anyone in my life who ghosts. If they don’t have the courage the be honest and communicate their experience to me, that’s okay…they don’t get to be a part of my world in any real way.

I know you know all of this Emilie. I’m just saying it to give you an outside voice reminding you of the truth….ghosting is a gift for you and offering you what you REALLY want in your life…inner strength and connecting you deeper to your inner amazingness!

I just want to check in with you….it’s been one guy after another who hasn’t stepped up. A natural response would be to start to shut down. Do you feel yourself doing that at all??? How are you actually feeling?? I don’t want to know your thoughts…as you are very grounded in the truth with your mind….I’m interested in knowing how your heart is doing.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Michelle!

Welcome! We are glad you are here!

There are lots of things you can ask for his help with. Anything really….even if you don’t need his help. Advice about something, moving furniture, picking out a present for someone….

What is he really good at? Does he have any hobbies? Does he have strong opinions about anything? Those are the categories you can ask him for help with. You want him to feel successful.

What’s going on in your relationship right now? If you offer more detail, we can better guide as to other things you can also do to help repair your situation.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Don’t tuck this away anywhere!!! Store all of it in the very center of your heart where it can magnify the light within you and then shared with others!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Hannah,

What an interesting story you have. Thank you for sharing!

I just have a few questions.

1. How did you guys meet? Online? If yes, have you ever met in person?
2. You talked about that you both didn’t know how to keep things interesting. I’m wondering…how come you want him to chase you? It seems strange to me that you are wanting to work for a guy that you didn’t even feel hurt when he chose another girl…you felt relief. That’s quite the unusual response to have towards a guy you are attracted to and want to be in relationship with. So I’m wondering how you REALLY feel about him. Tell me why you want to fight for this guy.

My first response is I’m wondering why not let this guy go. You have only been talking for 3-4 months, it’s long distance and you guys have ALREADY had challenges. You guys are struggling to keep it interesting, you have already had to do some work to get him re-engaged, he started dating another girl and your reaction was relief. If you guys are struggling THIS much in just 3-4 months, I’m wondering why you feel it’s worth it to try to get his attention again. Trying to start a relationship over long distance is INCREDIBLY difficult. Most of what you know about each other are snapshots of each other’s lives. Relationships can typically survive long distance if the people have been together (in person) for awhile and they have built a solid foundation. You guys don’t have that. A lot of how you feel about each other is going to be imagined. You like each other built on these ideas of who each other are, through short moments in the day vs. having a FULL, real life view of what each other are really like.

I don’t mean to put a damper on this, as I fully believe anything is possible! I think I would like more clarity and detail from you as to why you want his attention again vs. just letting this go and finding someone local. And what EXACTLY are you wanting with him? Are you just wanting to catch his attention again, or are you hoping for a commitment from him? It will help us guide you better when we have more details.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Isabel,

Wow…I am really so so sorry for what you both are going through. There are a lot of layers here affecting what is happening. I get how confused he would feel considering, work, you and anti-depressants. Did he ever share why he wanted to go off of them?? I’m wondering if he did it properly as well. It’s risky to do something like that without having a therapist to work with you through the process.

It sounds like he is feeling very powerless at the moment. When people feel powerless, they look for any kind of control they can possibly find. It just feels like his internal world is one big tornado and he is trying to get control somehow…and the only thing he can get control over is with you. If he can stop thinking about you and the relationship for a bit, he can put his full attention on that tornado and it actually might slow down the tornado enough to be able to figure some things out.

There are no guarantees here Isabel. Whether you wait or move on, anything can happen. You could be married for 20 years and he or you decide to jump ship. Love is unpredictable and huge risk. I wish love were enough, but it’s not. Both people have to make conscious choices, DAILY, to feed the love and to keep it growing.

What you have to deal with is the information you have right now. Instead of focusing on what will happen in a few months, focus on what YOU need and take care of yourself. Give yourself some time to grieve the loss of him…even if it is for a few months. You can take all his clothes and put them in a bag or the garage or somewhere where you don’t have to see them. I wouldn’t suggest contacting his friends. He is grown man and it can feel undermining to him that you would tell his friends to look after him…as if he can’t do it himself. He needs to figure some things out and my guess is, you are actually the least of it. Most men, when they are not settled in their careers, are completely chaotic in relationship. They are built to produce in this world. They are the providers. So when they don’t have that areas figured out, their romantic relationship tend to tank. I’ve personally experienced that a handful of times as well as coached MANY women through it. Once he gets the career path all figured out, it’s like the tornado inside of them calms down and then they are able to deal with relationships with more clarity. It’s absolutely awful to be cast aside while he figures out his life. It’s necessary though. Trust his process. He will figure it out, one way or another. It may take a year, it may take just a few months. There is no way to predict that.

I love that you are starting ballet, connecting with friends and really taking care of yourself. Keep it up!! Take one day at a time and really nurture your broken heart. He can’t help you through that right now, as he is in survival mode.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Nicole,

All I can say is, WOW! I am soooooo proud of you!!! You are very grounded right now and really realizing that’s it’s time to face your trauma and clear the energy around it. I can’t tell you how much that is going to change your life. I started therapy at 18 and have never stopped having a relationship with someone who can help me through some sticking points in my life. I would love to recommend a Coach to you. She has her PhD in Psychology and was a therapist but when she moved to another state, she didn’t want to go through the testing again for new licensing, so she calls herself a Life Skills Coach now. She works with people all over the nation through Facetime or Skype or Zoom or phone. It works really well actually. Her methods are the fastest I have ever come across. She is a powerful healer! What I always suggest to people as they start to look for someone to help them, is to interview them. Call each therapist or coach you are interested in working with and give them your goals. You want to deal with certain fears that are really strong and get triggered in relationship. Then ask them what kinds of things they would do to help you reach your goals. You will get a sense about their approach and whether it feels good for you or not. Then whomever you choose, I suggest to try at least 3 sessions with them, to get a feel about who they are with you. Then at that point, don’t be afraid to try someone different or stay the course, but coaches and therapists are a very personal decision and it’s totally okay to say no and move onto the next one until you find EXACTLY what you are looking for. Pay attention to your intuition and how you feel around them. You want results! I know so many people who have been to therapy for years and hardly get any results. That’s hard earned money you are spending! No different than if you had a person trainer, you want to see and feel results of your very hard work, right?? coaches and therapists are like personal trainers for your heart / mind. If you are interested in the person I would recommend (who is very results oriented btw), just let us know and I will send you her info. through the back channels.

I think that you should write the letter. Get it all out on paper and go through it a few times. Then trust yourself to know whether or not you want to give it to him whenever you see him next. You may find an opportunity to say everything you want to him, in person. Who knows! Either way, I think it’s important for you to express your appreciation and gratitude for him as well as offer your apologies. It can be very healing for both of you. So I like your thoughts on this!!!

As far as being “friends,” I think you should just take it one day at a time. You are carrying a lot of emotions right now. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that quote!!! It’s so perfectly spot on!!! Each day you are changing and have the ability to shift perspectives and work with whatever you are feeling. So listening to your intuition and how you are feeling each day, is a good start. There’s no need to make any decisions at the moment. I think your focus can be on the letter and then the move and that’s it for right now.

You are a serious Rockstar!!! I am really excited about your decision to really get to know your fears and face them. It’s a game changer for sure!!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rhonda,

I just want to say that it really is a pleasure getting to be a part of your process. You are open and receptive, you have taken in some difficult truths, you try new things, you really work at staying positive and putting more light out into the world. It’s always so fascinating to me how people respond differently to their lives. You had a TON of negativity growing up in your life as well, yet you chose differently than Rod has. It’s not easy what you have done, to shed the gunk. It’s a very conscious choice and if anything, Rod is a wonderful mirror back to you about what you could have turned out like, had you chosen to let the negativity hang out with you. I just had a lot of respect for you and what you have done with your life!

I’m excited to hear more updates!!!

Heidi

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