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Oh goodness Dana,
I can see why you are livid. It’s crazy making. I’m so sorry. This is good information for you to know about him. He hasn’t changed. He is someone who will choose to punish you instead of talk with you about his feelings. It’s pretty awful.
So…what does this mean for you? Do you feel like you still want to continue fighting for a relationship with him? What are you wanting to do for the next steps?
Heidi
Hi Jodi,
Welcome! We are glad you are here. What is happening for you right now that you need the phrase? We can offer some ideas if you would like to share your situation.
The phrase is about the hero instinct. Activating the hero instinct is about asking them for help with something. You can ask for advice about something, you can ask them for help to move some furniture or fix something, you can ask for help with something they know a lot about….so the phrase goes something like, “Hey, I need your help with something. Can you give me a call real quick?” Or “I need your help with something. Is this a good time to ask?” You can phrase it any way that you like. It’s just asking them for help, then they hopefully respond and ask how they can help, then you share what you want help with.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
I understand your deep desire to want to keep your family together. It’s a mother’s nature to protect and want to provide a stable and loving environment for their children.
The thing is, what you want for your daughter cannot happen right now. It’s something you have to face as a parent…you cannot give her everything she deserves, everything she wants and everything she needs. It’s so hard as a mother to face that. It’s such a powerless feeling to watch your world and dreams fall apart because of someone else’s choices. You canno make him choose you and his daughter.
The best way to find peace in all of this is to really accept him for who he is. I wish your love for him were enough to make the relationship work, but love is actually the least of what influences whether a relationship works or not.
The best thing you can do is let him go and let him be who he wants to be. In that space, your acceptance of him may actually help create healing for BOTH of you. Your acceptance also means you take care of yourself and your daughter as well. So when he visits, you have solid boundaries about how you will interact with him. Stop asking him “why” and just accept that he is messy right now and he is not interested in fixing any of that. He is pulling you into his messiness because he can. It doesn’t matter anymore “why” he is doing what he is doing. What matters most right now is for you to find your center and set up some boundaries and design the relationship that works for you. You cannot have him in your life the way you really want and you cannot keep going on this rollercoaster ride with him. So with that being said, what can you do to create some stability for yourself.
I’m not saying you are letting him go…I’m just saying to accept him for who he is right now. Taking off the pressure for him to be different, may actually draw him back to you. That wouldn’t be an unusual thing, so it’s worth trying. By accepting, you are no longer asking why, you are not longer bothering him about connecting with his daughter, you know that when he shows up he will be connective and confusing for you, so instead, YOU design the interaction and create connection with boundaries. Him feeling you solid like that is actually VERY attractive to a lot of men.
Do you understand? I know this may be confusing, so let’s keep talking about this
heidi
I am soooo so sorry for what you are going through. It really is awful!
Here is the truth. He is who he is. There is nothing you can do to change HIS behavior. The only place you can change is within yourself. He is a rollercoaster ride and you are joining him. He is driving you crazy because you are allowing him. So if you want stability, you have to create it yourself, because he sure isn’t going to give it to you.
So what can you do to create stability for you and your daughter? What kinds of boundaries can you put in place? Are you able to let the idea of him go? It sounds like you still are trying to get back together with him, so are you willing to let him go and accept that he is not someone you can be in relationship with?
Heidi
Hi Dana,
I know how you are feeling. The core issue you are facing right now is your powerlessness. I think it’s one of the hardest, most awful feelings ever and because of that, when you come into relationship with it and really embrace it, you get the most growth out of it compared to anything else. If you can embrace powerlessness, you can do anything!
So here is the deal Dana. There is nothing you can “do.” That is what powerlessness is. You have to just sit and watch something happen and there is nothing you can do to change it. So your only choice is to now embrace that powerlessness and have your own journey of growth. The only place you have power is how you react. You can keep fighting against what is happening and keep holding onto your anger and keep allowing all those thoughts to loop around in your mind….or you can choose to let it all go and accept that you are not going to get any solid answers and heal anyways.
So to start, are you willing to close the door on Helio? Despite his commitment to talk through things, you know enough about him now, that his coping mechanism of disappearing is much stronger than his word and commitment. That just means he has a HUGE amount of fear for some reason…and honestly, that makes me sad for him. Anyone living with that amount of fear, rational or not, is a tortured soul. He is who he is. He needs to fight for himself and get some help. Until he does that, he will always be controlled by his fear, therefore not really available for you as a solid partner. So even if he does eventually come back and you guys talk, are you going to take him back? Or are you ready to really say goodbye, once for all?
Heidi
Hi JS,
Oh goodness…of course you are heartbroken and struggling, despite how he has treated you. You love him. You were planning a life together with him. Despite how he treated you sometimes, there also were some wonderful things, or you wouldn’t have invested in him. You were building a dream. One of the hardest parts about a breakup, is letting go of that dream with him. That dream has to die and it is soooo so painful to let it go. You are trying to understand your reaction through “logic” instead of understand that your heart is going to respond however it responds…no logic included. It just is and it’s important to honor that. Hating yourself for still thinking about him, for struggling, for missing him…that will only keep you stuck in the pain, because you are adding judgement on top of your suffering. Acceptance and kindness towards yourself on top of your suffering is what will shift your healing. Your hurt and constant thinking about him, is what honors your heart’s experience with him. If you were able to walk away and NOT hurt, I would wonder what was wrong with you…so your response is healthy and to be expected.
Your pain has many layers to it, so doing free writing once or only a few times is not going to make a big dent in how you are feeling. You have HUGE gash and it’s bleeding, so trying to heal that gash with the effort of putting on a band-aid, it won’t work. It’s about taking your healing much more serious. Stop distracting yourself and really connect to what is coming up for you. One thing that was helpful for me during a very hard breakup I had…is I kept a recorder on me all the time. Every time I wanted to say something to him, I said it into the recorder. Sometimes I hated him and was sooo angry and other times I was crying and wanted him back. It helped soooo much because I got the energy out of my mind and into reality. I release it, without a filter and it started to shift everything. Or you can write it as well. I carried that recorder around for a good 3 weeks. Any healing technique you use will work…but you just gotta give it some time and commitment. Commit to your healing by taking daily action.
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
Be as cheesy as you like. I understand your gut feeling very well. I’m going to say something that may be really hard to hear. Just because you have that feeling, doesn’t mean that is how things will turn out. Life will happen however it happens, regardless of your gut feelings. MANY things in your life will not turn out the way that it’s supposed to, regardless of how much effort you put in, how much you care, how much you love, how hard you work for it. I remember when I was around your age, someone told me this: “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.” Now being in my mid 40s, I get it more now than ever. Not a single thing in my life turned out how I thought it would, except that somehow I am still here. God had a very different idea for my life and along the way, I had to learn to let go of what I thought I wanted and trust that something else was going to show up to serve me in a much better way….and that’s exactly what has always happened for me. The better I got at just going with the flow, finding peace and acceptance with what is vs. trying to control everything and most of all, staying open to the possibilities, things showed up for me to help me become a more effective person in this world. Had I stayed on the path that I KNEW was meant for me, thing wouldn’t have been bad or anything and I think I would have been happy, BUT I sure wouldn’t trade it for my path now. “Let go and let God” right?
Your fears are to be expected and very normal. You are afraid of losing the love that you have with him. You are afraid of losing your best friend. You are afraid of not getting to feel the you that exists when you are around him. We all feel those fears when are faced with the possibility of losing someone we love deeply. Whenever I coach people through fears, the most important aspect is to FACE those fears. You don’t face them by trying to control the situation, you face them by getting to know them more and working with the truth behind those fears. Fears are lies…bottom line. False Evidence Appearing Real. So let’s talk more about your fears. What do you think will happen if he fully walks away and you guys head in different directions? I know you believe you are meant to be together (and that very may well happen. Maybe it won’t happen for another 10 to 20 years, who knows. Anything is possible) so what will happen if your dream doesn’t come to fruition?
Let’s deal with what happens if he approaches you again. First, it’s important for you to get VERY CLEAR about your boundaries and what you want. It sounds like he keeps coming back to try to test how he is feeling. He is very split and both parts of him are having a serious battle right now, so you are best to stay out of the way of that battle and let him figure out who is going to win…his guilt or his forgiveness. Only time will tell. It’s important to understand that his discomfort is VERY important in the growing / healing process. We all are VERY motivated by pain…it’s why you are even here on this forum. You are hurting and that caused you to look for answers and now you are here. His pain and discomfort needs to grow and get bigger. The bigger it gets, the more he will seek answers…which hopefully will lead him towards talking to someone. So you taking yourself out of the picture would be leaving him alone to face what only he can fix. So you can say to him something of the effect, “You know…we have always talked about putting God first in our relationship. I realized, in the loss of you, I have been holding on sooooo tight and not wanting to let you go and let go of “us” which means I am not trusting you and your process, I am not trusting God and the path He has for me and I am not trusting that I will be okay if things don’t go the way I want them to with you. I truly believe, with all every cell in my body, we are meant to go through this life together. But I also believe that with God at the center of my life, everything will be okay, no matter how it turns out. So I’m going to let go of trying to control “us” and trying to help you so we can go back to how things were. I am going to choose to trust you, that you will figure this out however you need to. You are a smart guy, you have an incredible heart, you have God as your teammate. You will find a way to forgive yourself and reconnect back to God who loves you, unconditionally. However long it takes for you to get there, it doesn’t matter. It’s about the journey anyways, not the destination. There is a lot for you to learn and experience in the journey and I am going to stop trying to rush it, worry about it or fix it. That means that I am going to take a step back and not be an option for you anymore while you figure this out. I’m not going anywhere, but I am also not available for you right now. Whenever you get to the other side of the battle you are having inside of yourself, I will be here waiting with open arms, ready to rejoin with you, if that is what feels good for you. I am going to take my own journey of facing my fears of losing you, strengthening my faith in God and learning to trust Him even more. I am going to hand Him my broken heart, my fears, my insecurities so I can heal. That is my journey and focus now. So the way I am going to look at all of this, is that I’m thankful for your challenges. It’s causing both of us to grow in a ways that are really uncomfortable, but also very important if we are going to strengthen our relationship with God…which is the most important thing above all. So you have your journey, I will have mine and we will be better people on the other side of this season…I choose to trust that.”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I understand all of your insecurities. They are actually quite valid. All your concerns are real possibilities.
Here is the thing though…the real truth about ANY relationship is that there are no guarantees. Love is a risk and there is just no way around that. So this relationship you have chosen, has a higher risk factor because of the age difference. Can you just be okay with that? Can you be okay just being present with him? He is here right now. If you are really wanting to settle down and grow roots, he might not be the best option for that and at some point, you guys will need to talk about that. But for now, you ARE on the same page and things are working. If it were fear about the age difference, it would be fear about something else if you were in a relationship with someone your own age. All relationships have areas that could cause it to break.
So…what are you doing to deal with your fears about losing him? What kinds of things are you saying to yourself when you think about him leaving to go experience his life?
Heidi
Hi Karisa,
We all get hurt in our relationships. I’m sure he has hurt you as well, so the first place to start is to work “behind the veil” so to speak. Instead of seeing things at face value, learning how to see beyond that and the core issues, is what can really make him feel understood. One of the most powerful ways to do that, is to now yourself. All my past boyfriends have all said to me, “I have never been known so well by anyone, compared to you.” The way I did that, was to know myself…we are all fundamentally the same. Because I have really connected to my hurt, my fears, my limitations, my low self esteem…I could instantly recognize it in my partner. From that space, I could support them in ways that they didn’t even ask for and many times, didn’t even know they needed. For example, I might make them their favorite comfort food meal, or offer a foot rub, or send them a YouTube video to make them laugh….but I times it when I knew they were having more of a struggle. Sometimes, I might share a frustration I was dealing with at work, that had a similar flavor to their challenge and it would open the door to them sharing more of their struggles with me…misery loves company, right?
“Small things often” is also a really good way to nourish the relationship. What kinds of things can you do to support him throughout his day…just to make his life a tad bit easier? How about compliments? Do you compliment him very much? Do you think he feels like you need him? Meaning…do you think he feels valuable in YOUR life?
As far as dealing with his ex, there is nothing you can do to help him resolve whatever is happening between them. That is HIS emotional baggage that he needs to face on his own. Maybe what you can do is get more curious about it and get him talking about it more and that may bring you deeper understanding about what he is REALLY dealing with. For example, you could say, “I was talking with my girlfriend he other day and she was telling me how sometimes her ex can still trigger her and she doesn’t understand why. It got me thinking about all the people in my own life that could still do that to me. I know your ex can do that for you. What do you think it is that makes that still happen, even though there is closure?” Do you get the idea?
Is all of this making sense? Is it helpful?
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
I understand your need for getting things fixed as soon as possible. Being that very soon, things are going to change, of course you want everything to be peaceful and going smoothly by then. The truth is, there really is no urgency. You are building up quite the story in your mind about what could happen if things don’t get fixed before he moves an hour away. Truth is, you really don’t know what will happen.
Let’s look at the bottom line, core issue you are battling with right now…you are feeling powerless. You can’t fix him and you can’t fix your relationship. There is NOTHING you can do right now to help him forgive himself, to help him feel good about how he is feeling sexually with you, to help him out of his confusion. You are watching him really struggle and you can’t fix it…you are powerless. So you are trying to grasp at everything possible for ways to solve this so your relationship can go back to the way it was and you guys can keep growing together. It’s was we all do when we feel powerless. We reach out to anything and everything to try to solve the situation, to create resolution somehow. Powerlessness puts people in limbo. There is no solid ground to stand on when we feel powerless. I would have to say it is one of the most challenging feelings on the face of the earth. This is such a good opportunity for you to become friends with it! It won’t be the last time you have to feel this, so now is a perfect time for you to really find your center, in a situation where you have no control over. Can you get comfortable sitting in the unknown for awhile? Can you find your peace, even if things don’t get worked out in your timing? Can you be okay not having him in your life the way you want, for right now? Can you find your value and find solid ground when you are not able to help or offer solutions?? I know you are not used to this, but that means it’s REALLY good for you…because this is just a part of life. Learning to be in relationship with powerlessness in a healthy way vs. continuing to grasp for solutions to avoid it, will bring you that much closer to finding peace and ease with some of the hardest situations you will have to face in your life. So how about putting your focus onto yourself, instead of him. Let him go struggle and figure it out and you turn your energy to finding out what you need and how you can meet those needs, without him. It is the one place you DO have power.
It sounds like you have some feelings about how he is handling everything. Why not set up some boundaries that will make you feel comfortable within yourself, while he is being messy. What do you need from him? What do you want for yourself? What will make you feel comfortable and more peaceful as he tries and figures things out for himself? Remember, this is not about HIM..this is about YOU accepting that he is messy right now, so how you can design the relationship so you are comfortable?
Heidi
Hi Dana,
I totally get it. I have yelled many times “WHY MEEEE????” Life is a rollercoaster ride and right now you are Climbing a really difficult hill.
First, let’s work on what you are saying to yourself. You don’t know that I has anything to do with you. I’m wondering if something happened in another area of his life. Maybe he got news that a friend died, maybe he got a medical diagnosis that is life ending, maybe he found out that his mom isn’t really his mom. I know those seem like far fetched reasons and hopefully they are. My guess is, his disconnect has nothing to do with you, but instead something else that he is REALLY having a hard time with and he is angry or so upset, so he lashes out at the target he cares about most…you. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but it’s actually a common thing. People get hurt and then turn around and lash out and hurt the ones they love most. It’s not fair and it is extremely painful. This is my best guess….something happened and he is just isn’t ready to talk about it yet.
I would suggest sending him a text saying something like, “Hey…whatever is happening for you right, must be really difficult. I will honor your need to be alone right now and not connect with me. It sucks, but I trust that you will figure out whatever you need to. When you are ready to connect to again, I’m here. I will leave you be and wait for you to reach out. Hope you are okay.”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
I too want to commend you on your understanding and efforts to repair this love with your guy. You guys have quite the loooong journey and history and it’s really beautiful!
I want to encourage you to let this go, in the sense of needing him to fix things the way you think he needs to fix them. It’s very normal to want the other person to do or be a certain way so things can go back to normal. The beauty about love and temptation, is it inspires growth and change. What he is facing in himself right now, is VERY IMPORTANT. It’s more important than your relationship. He is going through a crisis of identity and his relationship with God. He has to figure this out on his own. Everybody does. Our spiritual beliefs, our integrity and the choices we make in relation to those things are part of learning who the heck we are. At your age and through most of your 20’s, it’s a VERY developmental time. It’s the decade in your life where you are figuring out who you are separate than your parents and all your surrounding role models / teachers. It’s a decade where a TON of mistakes are being made, paradigms shift and life become much more experimental. It’s the decade where you try new things, new jobs, learn how to manage money and have your own place, learn how to make decisions all on your own and face the full consequences without your parents coming to the rescue (although they still do sometimes).
The very best way you can support him through this and other situations in the future (this will not be the last time), is to just support. He is SUPPOSED to waffle. He needs to find who the heck he is with these sexual tempatations (that are very normal – but he needs to learn that himself) and he needs to, most of all, learn how to forgive himself when he doesn’t like who he is. That is a life long skill and that is not something YOU can teach him. He will reach out to someone whenever he is ready. Here is an analogy. There is a part of himself that feels chaotic…like a tornado. Just let him be his tornado. The process of turning that tornado into peace and unity with his surroundings, is the process of growth. Don’t be so scared of that. We ALL go through that in our lives, many times. Embrace it! Accept it and look at it as a very beautiful thing!!! He is growing!!! Even if it means separating from you for a bit, that’s okay! You can be the ground. YOU stay stable and be calm and grounded and centered and connected to yourself and just let him be messy, instead of trying to get him to fix it faster so you guys can be together again. This is just one of MANY challenges you will face in relationship with him or whomever you are with. Learning to find your truth and stay grounded is a SKILL. Now is the time to practice.
So you start with accepting that he is messy and confused right now. So what. It’s normal and it won’t be the last time. Look at this time as wonderful and challenging growing phase for him as he figures out who the heck he is and you learn how to support someone you love who is in chaos. Trust his process and stop trying to control it, so you can feel better. Take care of yourself and find comfort for yourself, your truth and what kind of partner you want to be.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Karissa,
Thank you for sharing more of your thoughts. I want to re-iterate what Kenya was trying to get at. Reality is and what he is being honest about offering you is this: You are not his priority. He has a busy life and he has other things he need to focus on right now. He is communicating to you, both through words and actions, that he really doesn’t have the capacity to deal with being truly intimidate with you…or any woman for that matter. You also are sensing he still has some things to get over with his ex. You are saying he needs more boundaries. It doesn’t sound like he “lets go” very easily. It sounds like he has a tendency to hold onto things. That is a VERY difficult trait to deal with in a relationship. Everything he holds onto becomes a wall or becomes a bond…in an unhealthy way.
Are you sure you want to get tangled up with a guy like this? I understand a lot of things were really great with him, or you wouldn’t be fighting for him in the first place. But imagine that NOTHING changes. You may wiggle your way back in, but you will still be 3rd on the list, you will still be dealing with a man who shuts down and disconnects from you when he is struggling, you will still be dealing with a man who has some unresolved issues with his ex. These things WILL NOT change, so as great as things can be together, these are the things that are struggles for you that are part of the relationship as well. So if you want to get back in, it really is about accepting him for ALL that he is. This is all acceptable for you?? He is someone you want to go through life with, exactly as he is?
Heidi
Hi Carol,
It sounds like you guys had a wonderful talk and are heading in a direction with the relationship that works for both of you at this point.
Now it’s time to see if it plays out the way you both have agreed to. It is REALLY good practice to have the strength to be honest with each other. One thing I like to do is admit I am struggling with something, but ALSO present a plan about how I am working on it and getting through the struggle. Many times, the guy will want to jump right in and want to help without me even asking him….mainly because I am not making him responsible for how I feel, but I am taking responsibility myself…and because the pressure is off, it inspires them to help. It’s just another way to be authentic and hones with how you are feeling.In regards to whatever is happening with his ex’s, it sounds like he is not very good at setting boundaries. Guys are not the best at setting boundaries for fear of hurting a woman, so they will ghost instead typically. Her going “crazy” is partly because of him as well. He isn’t helping the situation by not setting some clear and solid boundaries. It’s important to observe him as he goes through this. He is telling you the kind of man he is and how he handles stress and uncomfortable situations. And no one knows, except for him and the other girl, what happened between them recently. It’s a bit fishy, but reality is, you don’t have any information to be able to come to any kind of conclusions. What I do suggest though, is to keep watching. How he is treating her and handling this situation, is part of character.
I know you don’t want him to clam up again, but I’m hoping it’s not at the expense of you being your natural and authentic self. You have to be yourself!!! It’s the only way he really knows you and you both figure out if it’s really the best fit between you guys. Have the strength to say and be yourself fully and completely. IF the relationship cannot sustain that, then that is information you need to know.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Sooooo good to hear from you!!! I’m so happy to hear you made it through and doing okay!!!
it sounds like he has been really connective and wonderful with you through this process….even at a distance. Your thoughts of “I wish he had chosen to stay” are normal. I’m glad you are not saying anything to him though. I think this is one of those situations where you BOTH originally thought it was okay for him to go and this surgery wasn’t that big of a deal. Now that you have gone through it, you learned it was a bigger deal than you thought. So now you know and now he knows. If you say anything at all, this is what you can say…”You know…I know that I told you to go on your trip and this surgery wasn’t that big of a deal. But I learned a lot about myself through this process. I was more scared than I realized. I had so many emotions coming up about this surgery that I didn’t know were there. You are such an important part of being my rock and comfort and I ended up really wishing you were there. It okay that you weren’t because I was surrounded by a lot of love and support, but I just want you to know….I missed you terribly. So for next time…hopefully there won’t be a next time, but just in case I have to go through surgery again for ANYTHING…I would love for you to be there. I feel like I can get through anything when I know you are with me.” How does saying something to that effect, feel for you?
Thank you for sharing about your insecurities and what happened bout a month ago. You are spot on, in that you are the one who is meant to deal with your insecurities. We all are responsible for our “barnacles” (the not so pretty parts of ourselves). Tell us more about them. What insecurities do you have that you have needed reassurance from him about? Do you know where those insecurities come from? Since you are now ready to face those insecurities, do you have a plan about how to go about doing that?
Heidi
