[Heidi G]

Hi Melinda!

This is great to hear! I am so glad you are finding your center again! You have started the process of moving your energy and connecting to yourself which is so great! It only gets better from here.

Have you decided what to do? Are you going to have a conversation and create an ending with this guy? Are you going to wait a little longer and see if he starts responding more? Not sure?

As far as the date, it’s up to you. You have to decide what you want to invite in your life. If you are not sure you are emotionally available, then that’s something to really consider, at least for right now. This guy you have been dating, has taken you on a ride, even though he isn’t really emotionally available and it hurts. You wish he had told you from the beginning. So I imagine you would not want to turn around and do the same thing to this new guy. He has been asking you out for awhile now, so that means he really likes you and would be over the moon to go on a date with you. He would have big hopes for something to happen…even if it’s just a 2nd date. So maybe closing the door and healing from your current guy is a good idea before going on another date. It’s your design though. Just giving you some thoughts.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Melinda!

I hope your therapy session helps you move some of that energy right now. It completely sucks to be in the muck of rejection and hurt. It’s awful and it always will. I have no doubt though, you will get to the other side in no time. You are a resilient spirit and will not accept anything less than the very best for your life.

As far as going out on that date…are you actually interested? You said he’s been asking you out for awhile. Something was causing you not to say yes before, so has something changed for you?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Nancy!

You are really wonderful! I love how receptive and honest you are about all of this. That actually just shows how courageous and strong you are. So many people are not willing to really look at themselves and then take action on what they need to do for healing. You rock! Well done! We definitely wanted to stay connected and hear about what you end up creating for yourself.

Here is another thing you can begin to work on. It’s called the non-negotiable list. It’s a list of qualities you HAVE TO HAVE in a partner. These are qualities that you KNOW, beyond a doubt, that need to exist in the relationship or you will not survive it. It’s the foundation that everything else is built off of. It’s a work in progress as well and I want to encourage you to even experiment with this list. Here is an example of some of the things on my list.
1. Romantic
2. Active
3. High emotional intelligence
4. Spiritual and has a strong desire to grow and expand this area of his life
5. Kind and respectful even in his worst moments of pain

So these are things I will never settle without. If he was super wonderful and only had 1-4 on that list and was missing 5, I would walk away. I cannot and will not ever accept someone treating me in a disrespectful, mean or harmful way, just because they are hurt. So…I know that missing #5 would break the relationship. Make sense?

Now when you go test out your list, you try all of these things on. For example, I used to have athletic, not active. I used to believe that I couldn’t date a guy who wasn’t athletic. I am an athlete and love to play all kinds of sports. If he were athletic, I hit the jack pot, but what I discovered was MOST important to me, was that he was active. So I dated different guys who weren’t athletes, but they worked out, they would go on hikes with me, we could go on bike rides together etc. and it was totally fine! So I switched it up and put active instead of athletic. Does this make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rachel,

Welcome! Thank you for sharing all of this! You ask some great questions!

I want to encourage you to slow down quite a bit. You are just getting to know him in a romantic way and as a partner. I know you have known him for a few years already, but romance is a completely different category…which means, you barely know him. You want something more serious with him and you can see yourself with him, yet you haven’t even been able to spend time with him outside of a room. You guys have only been having sex and that’s it. Slow down your speed and be more cautious with your heart. Your heart is so valuable and sacred! You need to spend some regular time with this guy and have normal, couple experiences to know what he is really like. You don’t know what he like when he is angry. You don’t know what he is like when you really hurt his feelings. You don’t know what he is like around your kids. You don’t know how he handles his fears. All of these things are CRUCIAL pieces of the puzzle that can make or break a relationship. Even though you can see yourself with him, make sure there is time and experience with him to really be able to KNOW that.

And that’s the challenge here. You guys can’t really go out in public. You are getting to know each other in a room, sexually. This doesn’t allow for a healthy development of a relationship. You are not divorced yet either, so that is something that is really important to have closure on. Divorce has many layers to it and I can’t tell you how many times I have worked with people who feel totally great about their divorce, until the moment where it’s official. Allow yourself the time and space for ALL your feelings to come up, as they need to about your divorce. It’s usually recommended to not date for awhile, so you create space to deal with everything. I know that is not what you want right now nor will choose, but I do want to encourage you to slow down. Allow your divorce to become final and then maybe you guys can start to get out on the town and go be a couple in public. You know you match sexually, but you don’t know you match in the other areas of life. Give it time!

When does your divorce become final?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Carolyn,

Shoot! No, we didn’t receive any other posts from you. I hope that maybe you saved them and can just copy and paste.

I know you want him back. It hurts not to have him in your life. It’s been almost 2 years and it’s hard to give you guidance when we don’t know more details.

The guidance I always give though, regardless of the situation, is that it is sooooo important and crucial for you to feel happy and fulfilled, even if he doesn’t come back. If you are still suffering after 2 years, with him not being in your life, then I want to encourage you to work on healing your very precious and valuable broken heart. It’s possible and it’s actually one of the key ingredients to getting someone back. I know it sounds strange, but when your happiness is so intertwined with a man, to the point that you don’t feel complete and whole without him, that is a very “needy” type of energy. Men DO NOT like that energy at all. They respond to women who feel whole and complete and happy WITHOUT them. They need to know their woman is strong on the inside and they do not want to be responsible for her happiness. They want to contribute, but they don’t want to feel like their woman would fall apart if they weren’t around.

So with that being said, where would you put yourself? Are you feeling you can’t be happy without him? Have you made efforts to move and meet someone else? Can you imagine being happy and in love with someone else?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi NM,

I’m glad you are looking back and seeing some red flags about him. Age has NOTHING to do with maturity actually. If you think about it, the older a person gets, the more time bad habits, fears, anxieties can become more and more a part of their lives, because they have lived longer and have more experiences. I know sooooo many “older” people who are really messed up because they never dealt with their issues…so those issues just become like clothes they wear every single day and that will always affect and impact their interactions with people. They are far from emotional maturity. So you just happened to come across a guy who isn’t really dealing with his issues. He made up his mind about you and he has made up his mind about what he is willing to deal with and the thing is, he gets to do that.

I would not suggest to write a letter and send it. Writing letters can be super healing, but instead, burn it or tear it up and release it! It actually is really helpful that way! It is not your job or place to hold him accountable to his behavior. You do not have that kind of relationship anymore. At this point, anything you would say about his behavior will just remind him how glad he is that cut things off with you. Someone has to be interested in what you have to say, if you are going to confront them. He has to care about how you feel, he has to WANT to know your thoughts, he has to have an investment in you, in order for him to listen about how he is affecting you. He is none of that.

I suggest you write many letters, let your anger and hurt out on paper and then release them and forgive him for being so cold and disconnected. It hurts, but it’s not HIS job to make you feel better. It’s your job to heal yourself. It’s your job to take care of your own emotions and feelings and not reach out to others to do it for you. This is really something I want to encourage you to do. You keep wanting the guy to take care of you emotionally, in various ways. As long as that is your mindset, relationship will always be very hard for you, unfulfilling and a rollercoaster ride. You are literally handing your power over to them and saying, “Here, you tell me my worth and you tell me that I’m good enough.” You want them to do for you, what you are not willing to do for yourself. This is a perfect time for you to start to do things differently and start to take back your power. He has hurt you, now take back your power and find out you can forgive, you can heal and you can move on, without needing him to do a darn thing for you. He doesn’t need to apologize, he doesn’t need to feel bad about how he did this, he doesn’t even need to acknowledge that he hurt you, in order for you to heal. You can do this all on your own!

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Melinda!

Remember how I mentioned above how to talk to your little girl? She is seriously hurting right now and instead of giving yourself compassion and kindness, you are calling yourself and “idiot”, saying “why am I even caring?,” “He doesn’t give a darn about you.” You are really suffering right now and your self talk is fueling the fire of that suffering.

Again, you don’t know that he doesn’t give a darn about you. He could actually care a ton and that scares the shit out of him! I have non doubt he has fear running at the center of his life. If you were not a threat to his heart, there would be nothing to protect his heart from. He is terrified of being hurt and going through another experience like what he is going through now. That is the truth. It has nothing to do with how he feels about you. Actions, sooooooo many times are a reflection of what is happening on a subconscious level.

So instead of saying, “He doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t want to fight for me” you want to follow that up with “I am loveable and worth fighting for. Whatever is happening for him is his journey and I will honor that. He is not enough for me and what I need.” It is crucial you start to control your thoughts about what is happening! Every single time you have a negative thought, it’s your little girl viewing the situation through childlike eyes and just expressing hurt. Instead of just stopping the story there, you say “I know you are hurt. I love you. I will never abandon you. I will fight for you and that means I won’t let someone into our lives that doesn’t know how to fight for us. He is just really scared right now and that is not your fault.” Do you get the gist of it? Write it all down.
The reason you are getting so triggered and emotional is first of all, because you care. Why wouldn’t you care about his court case? Of course you do! You had a strong connection and you deeply care about him and his daughter! Be kind to yourself! If you want to start to move this suffering energy, this is the place to start. Here are some other ideas for you:
1. Dance the emotion. Turn on a song that activates anger or intensity in you and dance angry. Dance angry for every single woman who feels played with by a guy. Dance angry for every single woman who has been ghosted. If you feel sad, put a sad song on and dance your sadness.
2. Watch some movies where the character goes through having to recover from a loss. Watching a movie can really help send a message to your psyche that despite how afraid you are, you are going to be okay. Something like “Under the Tuscan Sun.”
3. Get out in nature. Put your bare feet in the grass, go for a hike, have a picnic somewhere outside amongst the trees if possible. If the weather doesn’t permit that, then go get 3 or 4 bouquets of flowers and bring them home and surround yourself with beauty.
4. Here is a video for EFT tapping for breaking up. EFT is SUPER powerful. You may not feel the difference at first, but the more you tap, the more it starts to move all that stuck grief and emotion. You hurt is not only about the loss of him, but also many other things in your life that you have not fully processed. He just happened to be the one to press the button and now an entire network of unprocessed emotions are being triggered. https://youtu.be/uOrb8Lhbbk4
5. Here is another video that may be helpful: https://youtu.be/rni41c9iq54
6. What are some things you can do that are fun and playful or creative? We have places here where you can have a glass of wine while making some really fun crafts like wallets, art, painting etc. Go visit a pet store and connect with some animals. Go to a play or a comedy show.
7. When I was feeling really crappy one time, I went and bought a dozen roses and decided to pass them out to 12 strangers throughout my day. WOW! I can’t even tell you how powerful that was!
8. Light some candles and take a lavender salt bath. Put on some nice music and let yourself relax. Whatever your fears are, let those melt away into the water and remind yourself, “I am going to be okay. Even if I lose this connection, I can still be happy, I can still laugh, I can still have a TON of pleasure in my life. I am okay if I lose this connection.”
9. After a really hard breakup one time, I pulled out a recorder and I would just talk into while I was in my car. I imagined I was speaking to him. Sometimes I was sooooo angry, other times I missed him. It was soooo helpful! It helped the energy of my thoughts to have movement by using my voice vs. staying stuck inside my head where it can just build and build and build.

I am so sorry about what your sis and your friend have said. Those are not supportive things at all and also add to the hurt for sure! Maybe you can teach them how to be better for you! You can simply say something like, “You know, I need your help right now. I just need to talk and I need compassion. I am struggling and I know I will get over this, but right now, it just hurts and I need my friend / sis to be supportive.”

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Melinda,

I love all of your feelings! It’s great! Of course you want to use profanity. You feel not important in his life and it hurts. Have you responded?

First, I do suggest to have a conversation. It hurts to be ghosted, as you know. Role model for him what it looks like to have the strength to be authentic and communicate even when you don’t want to. Ghosting is NOT the kind of person you are! You are much stronger than that. Yes? This has nothing to do with him, but instead it’s about the kind of person you want to be in this world. Just a thought.

Okay…so you have done plenty of work on yourself to know that just because you feel it, doesn’t mean it’s true. Let’s look at your need to put that story on what happened. First, it’s MUCH easier to deal with loss when you are angry. Angry feels soooooo much better than hurt. So you are coming up with a story to make you feel more anger than hurt, which enables you to shut the door more easily. Second, we create stories around things, because we have such a high need to “understand.” Our brain and psyche does not do well with “not knowing” so we search and search and analyze the crap out of things, because we need situations to make sense. So you found a story that is logical enough that you can grasp onto it and make sense of the situation. Bottom line is, you feel powerless and you are doing everything you can to get your power back, including creating a story about what is happening on his side of the equation, so you can feel like something is resolved for you.

This is one of the HARDEST skills to learn, yet so essential….learning how to be comfortable in the unknown. Imagine not ever knowing what he is really doing, because he just doesn’t communicate to you or doesn’t even know himself well enough to understand his behavior. So you are left not knowing….now imagine being comfortable not knowing. Does it really matter at this point, what his reasons are?? Truly??? I think all that matters at this point is that you are seeing how he handles stress. It’s enough information for you to know that you have a decision to make, based on the information you DO have and that is factual, not assumed.

To stop the narrative, it’s about connecting to the really sad and hurt little person inside of you. If you had your little girl walk in the door crying and saying “mommy, mommy….the girls don’t like me at school.” You, of course, instantly find your compassion and connect to her. You ask “why?” and she says, “they didn’t invite me to the birthday party they were having after school.” To you, it doesn’t make sense. All that is real, is that she is feeling super hurt. In that moment, you don’t try and problem solve. You just hug her, validate her, remind her that IS loveable and that you love her and she is the most amazing little person you know. You connect with her and comfort her. Yes??? THEN you head into problem solving, as the adult. If you immediately head into problem solving, it completely discounts her tears and it only makes her feel worse. So…that is what you need to do for yourself. You need to have the strength to just acknowledge that you are hurting and YOU need to take care of you, not him. You want to help yourself feel better BEFORE you talk to him, so you are not needing him to say or be anything in order for you to feel better. You journal, you throw eggs at a picture you have of him, you hit your pillow, you cry, you do whatever it is that you need to do, to care for yourself WITHOUT him. Move the energy and most of all, connect back to the truth of who you are. You are loveable and worth knowing. You are worth fighting for, even if he doesn’t choose to fight for you. Do not let him define your value! You fight for yourself and re-connect back to the truth of who you are. You DO NOT need any story or details about his experience in order to do this. You just need you validating yourself, loving yourself and getting back into alignment, first and foremost.

Make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi NM,

First, it’s soooo important to understand that the feelings that occur in the very beginning of a relationship, no matter how intense, are fragile. Much of what we feel in the beginning is initiated by chemicals and it’s VERY easy to call that “love.” In reality, love requires time and experience together. The attraction and feelings may be there, but to truly support those feelings and deepen the relationship, it requires time. You guys barely had any time. So yes, it’s very easy for strong feelings to turn off just as fast, because there wasn’t enough time for those strong feelings to actually solidify into anything solid. It’s like concrete for example. Concrete is soft and liquid like, then it gets poured and shaped by things around it and it takes some time to solidify. If someone steps on the concrete BEFORE it has solidified, it changes the concrete and it can’t be fixed unless it is broken all up again and replaced. So when something intense enough happens in the beginning of the relationship, BEFORE things have solidified, it’s easy for the connection to disconnect. Him saying he loved you, was mostly chemicals and hormones that made him feel good. Real, solidified love takes a LONG time. The love needed to deepen a lot more, in order to handle the stressors that relationships bring along.

Let’s address this: “I can’t trust anything or anyone anymore.” First, understand this is very true. People WILL hurt you. People lie, people abandon, people betray. We ALL do, including you. There are no guarantees when it comes to love and relationship simply because it takes 2 people for it to work. You have NO control over what the other person decides to do at any given moment. That will NEVER change. It is what it is. So you have a choice now. You can either shut down and let this guy have so much control over you that you shut down for other possibilities to enter into your life OR you can forgive him for his limitations, forgive yourself for your limitations, accept that love is a risk and that you are willing to get back up and fight for love vs. believing you can’t ever trust anyone and shutting down part of your heart. Besides, it’s never really about trusting other people anyway. Trust is about YOU. The way I am able to still risk in love today, despite the horrible experiences I have had, is because I trust MYSELF that no matter what the other person decides, no matter how and when they hurt me, I have the skillset to handle it. I KNOW and ALWAYS choose forgiveness and healing. There is no hurt I am not able to get back up from….therefore, I am able to risk and keep my heart open for love. It doesn’t mean that I’m not scared or cautious and smart about my choices with who I love…I am terrified on some level like most people….AND I am going to risk anyways because I trust MYSELF to handle anything that shows up.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Melissa!

I LOVE that you are coming here and venting and organizing all of your thoughts. There are a lot of them, of course. So you are doing such a wonderful job coming here and using us as a resource. Well done! Make sure to give yourself some props. Sooooo many people don’t even do that!

Here are just a few things to understand. Depression is anger turned inwards. When someone is being consumed by depression and they are in survival mode, ANY needs of another person feel exhausting and overwhelming. Imagine he is hanging from a bridge with only 1 hand attached. He is scared, he is hopeless, he is exhausted. Then you come along on the bridge and say, “Can you please just talk to me? Can you tell me how you are feeling? Why aren’t you coming over and hanging with me and my kids? Do you think that we have a future together?” Imagine how that would make him feel as he is hanging off that bridge. So yes, to him…you are too needy and your needs are going to activate anger…since depression is actually anger. He is already overwhelmed and feels like shit about himself and then you come along and remind him of everything he isn’t doing to help you be happy. See why his response is anger? He can’t take anymore beyond his life. He has NO tolerance for you to not be happy. ANYONE’S needs will feel too much to him considering where he is at in his life. This is not about you personally. It’s about his state of mind and how he is choosing to handle his life. And btw…there are PLENTY of things he can begin to do to deal with his depression WITHOUT a doctor. Nutrition, energy techniques, exercise, meditations, EMDR songs for depression, EFT for depression, herbs….the list is HUGE and 100% of all that information is free. It just requires effort. He has to do some research, he has to talk to people, he has to be miserable enough to start to fight for his life and he just isn’t there yet. Someone who wants out of pain bad enough, they take ACTION. He isn’t, so he is just going to spend his energy managing his life and depression….and he gets to do that. Make sense?

The 2nd thing I really want to encourage you to do, is to make it rule to NEVER discuss something of this nature through text. It’s awful. There are so many missed things, misunderstandings and energy that gets built up that it can all turn so toxic. This was a discussion that needed to happen in person or on the phone or skype. Is that something you are willing to do??

He is not manipulating you per se. He is just surviving. When you date someone who is in survival mode and depressed, it IS all about them and their needs. He is not relationship material right now other than providing you with affection, sex, fun and company whenever he can offer it and that’s about it. You keep trying to confront him and hope that things will change vs. TRULY accepting that you have chosen a guy who is inadequate and has NO business being in a relationship. He is a failure in many ways in his own life (this is how he feels generally) and you want him to be a loving, supportive, caring and connective person for you??? He doesn’t have it in him.

He is right. You are wanting him to fix your insecurities and I LOVE that you own that. You can own it and absorb it because you have enough self esteem to do so. You are much higher functioning than he is. So if you choose to stay with him, then your goal is to start working deeper in yourself and focus 100% of your attention on what he DOES for you vs. what he doesn’t do for you. Turn your attention to every you GET TO HAVE with him vs. what you are not getting from him. This is how he will be able to function. Your needs, anyone’s needs, are too much for him to handle. So you can keep working on building him, helping him feel like a hero, apologizing and owning your own stuff and then the repair can begin.

Lastly, I’m just curious. Did your ex ever say these things about you? That you are too needy? Did you feel a lot of anxiety with your ex?

And lastly, always remember that when someone uses the words “too” it is a judgement. That is him pointing the finger at you, but always remember there are 3 fingers pointing back at him. So when he says you are “too” needy, in truth, that is him projecting onto you the conversation and feelings he carries inside himself. His judgment of you, is really his judgment on himself coming out on you as the target.

You are okay Melissa! Keep breathing. You have some things to really figure out, but you will. Either path that you take, whether you decide to step back in and keep giving this a try (it’s totally fixable and repairable right now – you guys have done this before) or decide to take some time for yourself or decide that it’s best for you to move….each path has lessons for you to learn, so whatever path you commit to, for today, is all good! You are learning either way, so make sure you really stay with yourself in what you choose. Don’t judge yourself for your choices…embrace and completely OWN your choices, no matter what!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Roselyn,

Welcome! We are glad you are here!

My guidance is to SLOW DOWN!!! He abandoned you and your kids and went and had another family with someone else. He all of a sudden calls and wants you guys back???? NO WAY! He has NO IDEA who you are and you have NO CLUE who he is. It’s been 10 years! A lot has happened in 10 years. You don’t know he is stable. You only know what he has told you. You need to see it in action. Even if he is stable, that doesn’t mean that he has worked on his issues that caused him to run away and abandon you and your kids. I would want to know what he has done to work on his issues. He needs to have read books, seen a therapist or a coach, he needs to have really done some digging to find out why he ran and why he felt it was okay to leave his family the way he did. If he hasn’t doesn’t anything to really work on his behavior, take responsibility for his choices and taken specific action to heal those parts of him, it’s guaranteed he will do this again.

I know you love him. I wish it were enough, but it just isn’t. A relationship can last and be healthy if BOTH people work deeply on their issues.

I would encourage you to really take things SUPER SLOW and learn about him, who he is, what happened to the other woman, what kind of father he is, how he has worked on himself and his issues etc. All of that takes a lot of time. If you hand over your heart so easily, you actually are not loving yourself well at all. Your heart is sacred. Your home is sacred. Your body is sacred. Make decisions that align with that. Be open AND cautious.

Make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Melinda,

I’m so sorry for how you are feeling. I have felt that many times in my life and it’s awful. You are right, you need to take back your power.

First and foremost, I would work on changing the story. You have created a whole story about him using you, so to speak. You actually don’t know that. He actually may really care and that is why he is behaving like he is. He has been hurt and a big button was pressed and maybe having sex with you was his attempt at resolving some of that for him and help create connection. Truth is, he is the only that knows what is happening for him. He is showing you who he really is under stress. So is there anything to really confront here with him? Confronting means you want him to change and want him to work on how he handles stress. Nothing is going to change how he responds to stress unless he deep dives what is happening for him. It means him getting a coach or a therapist, reading books, going to workshops etc. You really think he is going to do all of that?? It doesn’t sound like that is the kind of approach he takes in his life. If that were the kind of guy he was, he would have already been doing all of that. He sounds like a pretty normal, average person who just survives his life and buries things, thinking he is “over” it, but not having any clue he just buried it.

I know you are tired of dating. I hear that a lot actually. You had hope for this one and it’s not working out as you are learning more about him and that is just soooo disappointing. You need to get VERY CLEAR about what you want.

Start out writing your non-negotiable list. This list is about the qualities that your guy MUST have, or it won’t work. These are the qualities that if they don’t exist in the relationship, you KNOW your soul will die a slow death. These are the foundational qualities that you choose your partner from. Let’s say you have 9 non negotiable qualities. Then you meet a guy who has 8 of them, IT WON”T WORK! Every single quality is so important and crucial to a healthy, happy relationship with you.

For example: Here are some of the qualities on my list
1. romantic
2. high emotional intelligence
3. spiritual – has a desire and need to connect spiritually with whatever his beliefs are
4. has accountability and a system of growth to handle stress in healthy ways
5. high communicator
6. athletic / active
7. loves animals

Every single one of these qualities is imperative to me. I also am all of these qualities and how I live my life. When I date a guy, this is the mindset I date from. If he has all 6 qualities, but doesn’t love animals, we will NEVER work, as I do a ton of dog sitting and animals are a big part of my life. So #7 is just as important as #1. So sit down and make out your list. It takes awhile as it can evolve over time as you remember things. But just start the process. You need to compare that list to the current person you are dealing with. He sounds wonderful and amazing AND he disconnects when he is going through stress. You already know this is not how you want to be treated. So you have 3 choices. 1. Accept that this is who he is, know is doesn’t work for you and let go 2. have a talk and give it a try for a 3rd time (1x is just once, 2x is a weak pattern, 3x is a strong pattern. He has done this 2x so far, so I have no doubt a 3rd time will happen). And 3. Know and accept that this is who he is and embrace it. Choose him anyways.

None of these choices are fun or easy choices. They ALL hurt. It depends on how much you want to hurt and the kind of hurt you are willing to deal with. If you stay, you will deal with the hurt of rejection with no ending. The rejection will always happen and be there. If you leave, you will deal with the hurt of loss, but at least that is temporary. You know there is an ending to that because you will heal. Not so fun, I know.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rachelle,

Welcome! You are asking some good questions!

This is actually quite simple. Exclusive FWB is basically a committed relationship. You guys are trying to have a “relationship” without the commitment of really working on something together and that just doesn’t work. When you are exclusive, on any level, there are natural needs and expectations that are going to come up. You guys are behaving like a couple. Your needs match those of what you want in a relationship or someone you are really dating.

So if you want to continue this, it’s important you get VERY CLEAR. If you want to keep having sex, then great. But know he is going to disappear many different times. It has nothing to do with you. It’s how he copes in life and always will, until he decides that is no longer an effective way to deal with stress. So you are going to get ghosted over and over and over again. You either need to be okay with that, or stop the FWB with him. If you feelings are going to keep getting hurt, it’s letting you know that maybe this isn’t a good design for you. You are getting emotionally attached. The thing with FWB is agreeing NOT to get attached.

Maybe it’s time for you to just focus on yourself and let yourself heal vs. allowing new hurt into your life that you now have to deal with.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

hahaha! That’s so great!!! I didn’t know plastic straws will be gone after 2020 there! That’s great! I know here, there are certain restaurants that have made that choice, but it’s not a law…at least not yet. Getting him a straw, especially for travel, is perfect! I imagine him really laughing about it!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Melinda,

It sounds like you really hit a serious button of his. I get it. What you now have to really ask yourself, is not whether or not he wants to be with you, but whether you want to be with a guy who responds to stress this way.

Big buttons like this, simply mean he has allowed A LOT to build up. He is not forgiving and letting go. We all have areas that we really with where they are much bigger buttons and more difficult to deal with. So it’s about HOW he is dealing vs. what actually has happened. Yes, you could have handled it better as well and it sounds like you have a bigger button in this area as well. But again, it’s not a bad thing…it’s just an “ism” and a guaranteed part of any relationship and love. What matters is what the person does when that button gets pushed. Everyone has their own ways to cope. He is coping by disconnecting and becoming emotionally unavailable. I imagine the button is SO BIG that in order to manage it, he instantly goes into protective mode. He can’t help it. His system will automatically take him there. That’s why we all usually need extra help, with someone who specializes in healing wounds, to help guide us through something so intense. And on top of that is his divorce. SO his capacity to feel emotionally safe with you and to feel attraction and connection, is just not going to be there when he is in survival, protection mode.

If this is okay for you and you want to wait this out, then it’s best to just give him space and let him be in his cave for awhile. You can still send supportive messages and maybe reach out for dinner if you want.

But what I want to encourage you most to do, is to decide what YOU want vs. waiting for him to fight for you. Is his behavior something you can love? Are you able to accept this about him and be in relationship with him knowing this is part of him?

Heidi

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