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Hi Angelica,
I’m so glad you are able to connect with him a little more. It sounds like there is a crack in the door. Go slow! Work on really having some patience. You want HIM to open the door, you don’t want to be the one pushing the door open. Let HIM determine the speed of when and how you guys connect. This will help the process to go much more smoothly!
There is something you said that I am wondering about. You said you wanted kids and he doesn’t. How are you feeling about that? That is actually a deal breaker and it should be. You both need to be on the same page about this. It’s not fair to either of you, to have to give up the way you want to experience your life. So are you okay not having kids?
Heidi
Hi Kathi!
I absolutely LOVE how passionate you are! It really is beautiful!
I understand you want him back and that is all good! Something in you feels very strongly that is the direction you want to go in, despite his lack of emotional intelligence and maturity. So go for it!
I want to help you have a more grounded perspective about what you are wanting from him when he comes back. You said you will “require” him to communicate better and that you won’t let this happen ever again. The truth is, you have no control over any of it. Your needs are unrealistic for who he is. This absolutely can happen again and there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot force someone to communicate.
Here is what you need to understand about Kevin. Communication is not his problem. It goes much much deeper than that. He is terrified of something. Learning to communicate more DOES NOT take that fear away. It may help a little, but his fear is SO big, that doing a little behavior modification just won’t cut it. He has been coping this way for a loooong time. It doesn’t just change because his girlfriend says it needs to. He can have the VERY best of intentions and say he will communicate better, but it’s guaranteed that his fear will overrun all of his best intentions. It’s no different than anyone else who knows how to be, but their actions tell a different story. A very simple analogy is choosing to eat that pie instead of a salad. We all know the salad is healthier and is good for us, but we still choose the pie for some reason, regardless of the amount of toxins we are dumping into our bodies. My point being, is it’s just not as simple as requiring better communication. His issue is deep and big. He has some HUGE gaping cuts in his emotional system. Until he faces what is there, he will not change. Does this make sense?
So…with that being said, it is CRUCIAL that you embrace him, knowing he is wounded and will act out in various ways, maybe even run again, because he has no other way to deal with the fear he is carrying around. And you need to be able to love and accept this part of him.
Whenever I work with people who are trying to repair a BIG betrayal or abandonment, first thing that needs to happen is pure and complete honesty. I would invite him into a conversation about what happened for both of you. This will help you know how connected he is to himself, deep inside. So ask for him to share what he was so afraid of. Ask him to share what thoughts were going on for him. Ask him what stopped him from saying that he needed something different from you. Ask him what made him profess his love to you, then leave, then get a new girlfriend. Ask him how many times he has run away in his life when stress got high. Ask him how he wants to really handle stress. Does he actually want to handle it differently? If yes, then how? What does he want for himself? Do you get the drift?? I’m curious to see how many answers he will have. Someone who says, “I don’t know” isn’t connected to the core of what is causing their issues. As long as they don’t know, there is no potential for healing. Knowing your issues and why, from the core, is the first step to really creating long term change. Temporary change is easy, but will eventually break down. You want long term change…deep change…you want MORE than better communication. Make sense?
So have a heart to heart conversation and be a good listener. Support him and create a safe space for him to open….if he will. Then allow yourself some time to also open up and be honest about your experience of him. Then make sure you guys are on the same page. If you move forward, what do you need? What does he need? and what’s the plan to help make that happen. It’s NOT saying “better communication” it’s getting much more specific than that. It’s saying “Let’s take a course or read a book together that teaches us how to communicate better.” You want to get ACTION oriented.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Alla,
Here are some really powerful marriage coaches. Dr. John Gottman is great! He also certifies professionals, so I believe on his website http://www.gottman.com he has a place where you can look for a practitioner. He has TONS of powerful guidance to help heal marriages. Helen Fisher is also another super interesting person to learn from. She covers a lot of science that is unique to the category of love. It’s fascinating. I would also suggest to follow Brene Brown.
Maybe start with those people. Just google them and you will get a ton of info! If they don’t resonate for you, let us know. Between Kanya and I, we have a ton of resources we can recommend.
Heidi
Hi Alla,
It sounds like maybe you were willing to just stay married, no matter the condition of the love. You haven’t been happy either. It’s such a bummer that the marriage counselor was not helpful. Are you willing to go yourself? I think it would be sooooo helpful for you to really work on what is happening in you, that has contributed to the dynamic. If he is not willing to change or get help, then you can still go down that path. Sometimes, when the woman takes the lead and he sees the differences, he will soften enough and be inspired to start to work on things as well. Either way, things cannot continue down this path and the only thing you have control over, is you.
As far as the hero instinct, I get what you are saying. Asking for help doesn’t mean you are “weak” or can’t take care of yourself. To start, you can just ask for his ideas / opinions / advice. For example, since Christmas is coming up, you could ask him for advice on what to get someone for a gift. Or…since he is starting his own business, you can ask him for some organizational advice or time management advice or ask him advice about how to stay focused on a dream that is so big. You want to find something he is really good at and ask him advice or for help with that particular skillset. And then when he offers his guidance, you give him big appreciation and say things like, “I knew you were the right person to ask about this – or – You are so good at stuff like this. Wow! – or – this is great advice! thank you so much! It really was helpful!” Does this make sense and give you some ideas?? It’s more about activating his BEST self and pulling that out of him and associating that with you. And of course, as you figure this out, just appreciating him in various and creative ways, for all his hard work and providing for you guys is kinda the same thing. You are shining a light on his value in your lives and that’s really important for a man. Make sense?
Heidi
We are so glad to get to work with you and be part of your journey Nancy!
Whenever you are ready, share what you have put on your vision board and what you have created for your non negotiable list! We love hearing about it!
Heidi
Hi Kathi,
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your challenge with us!
First, I am so sorry for what you are going through. It’s awful and heartbreaking to lose a love that you really believed in. I understand your need and desire to get him back.
Here is the thing about that….and this may be hard for you to hear….but a true, solid love takes time to build. You guys rushed in soooo fast! And that’s okay. But the faster you rush in, the harder everything can crash in a super second…just like it did. Love has so many layers to it and it takes a lot of time and experience with each other for it to deepen. As you said, you saw an emotion you had never seen before with him. He completely up and left and ended the relationship just hours after proclaiming his love for you. What that tells you, is how fragile the love was…at least on his side of things.
I also coach people to REALLY pay attention to how their person is handling stress. Studies have shown over and over and over again, that relationships break because of the unhealthy ways people handle stress in their life. So when choosing a life partner, I always have people watch for how that person handles stress. Do they get angry and abusive? To they shut off and become completely unavailable? Do they run from their problems? Or do they face them, stay connected and work WITH you through the challenges? You have just now learned, for the very first time, that he runs. He doesn’t stay and talk with you about what he needs differently. You did nothing wrong here Kathi. You were just doing the very best you knew how. It is NOT YOUR JOB to be a mind reader. It is HIS responsibility to communicate what he needs in any given moment. What stopped him from using his voice and saying, “You know what would be really helpful right now? If I could stay here. I would love to just go be quiet for a bit and then maybe we can have dinner in a few hours. I would like your support through this.” Instead of fighting for what he needed in that moment from you, he cut everything off and ran the other way and is now even dating another girl. You call that love?? I have no doubt he loves you, but it’s a fragile love full of all kinds of fear and woundedness that is MUCH bigger than any love he feels for you.
My point being, even if you did get him back Kathi, he is fully capable of doing this again and again and again. I imagine he blames you for what happened. Where is he taking responsibility for himself? Where is his ability to forgive? This is a HUGE red flag. This kind of behavior guarantees that the relationship cannot last in any healthy way. If it cannot even survive a VERY SMALL speed bump, then there are some real serious problems here.
So as much as you want him back, that means you will have to go through this again….guaranteed. He has no skillset to handle stress in a healthy way, so you will always be left trying to pick up the pieces and fight for the relationship….alone.
Know what you are choosing here. I wish love were enough to hold a relationship together, but it just isn’t. It doesn’t matter how strong the feelings are, what matters is that 2 people are able to work through things together in a respectful way. What matters is the friendship. What matters is that both people face their fears. What matters is each person’s commitment to growth and learning and being the best partner they can be. You may have all of those things, but he has none of those…..it takes 2.
With all of that being said, I imagine you still want to do everything you can to get him back, yes? That’s okay too. You may need to go through this a few times before you decide it’s not okay anymore. I just want to encourage you to look beyond the feelings and instead look at how the relationship is functioning. You know it’s spectacular when things are great….now you know what can happen when they aren’t…something to consider before handing your heart over to someone who can drop you just hours after proclaiming his undying love for you.
Heidi
Hi NM,
People who are able to turn on or off their emotions so quickly are REALLY damaged people. They are SO fragile. They have to turn off emotions because they don’t have the strength the feel whatever it is that they need to feel. So instead of being mad at him, how about you look a little deeper and find compassion for him. He must have had some really big traumas in his life, to end up this way. Just like you had this way of surviving your insecurities by asking for validation, his way of surviving his insecurities, is shutting off emotionally. I mean, think about it…he doesn’t even have enough strength to be able to handle ANY challenges that show up in a relationship! That’s so sad! He is setting himself up to never be able to love again. That is a very sad and lonely life that he is creating for himself. He is already in enough pain (on the inside and deep in the subconscious). He will pay the price for his choices…I guarantee it. So instead of being angry that he is “getting away with this,” why not send him good vibes. He has taught you a GREAT lesson, yes? He may have played with your heart, but because you have enough strength to look at what is happening, you are connecting to yourself more. Your experience with him, has helped you become MORE of who you are. Isn’t that what you want? You want a deeper, more healthy relationship and although he didn’t work out, he sure got you one step closer to finding that in your life. He showed you and taught you to not hand your heart over to someone so easily. He showed you that asking for validation in the way you were doing it, is not the healthiest way to go about getting your needs met. He was such a good experience for you! How about you focus on that aspect and let go of your need for revenge towards him. Is that something you can work towards?
Heidi
Hi Melinda,
We are so honored you have let us in to be a part of your process and journey. It’s not small thing and you are so wonderful to connect with!
Yay for tears!!!! That is so great! I know in the moment, it doesn’t feel good, but I gotta tell ya…it’s one of the best ways to clean out and unclog those energetic pipelines. I have no doubt you released a lot! You have such wonderful strength to feel all that you are feeling!
Let’s look at him no communicating in a different way. When you choose to believe he is saying “stay away from me,” that’s a belief that makes his choices about you. That’s a belief that makes something wrong with you that makes him want to push you away. How about shifting that thought to going a level deeper. What the truth actually is, is he is really scared of something. So how about shifting your thought to “he is a scared little boy and he doesn’t know how to handle his fear in a healthy way.” Everything you say to yourself about the situation needs to be grounded in the truth about what is happening, so you can keep the energy moving towards healing. This is ALL about him….not you.
As far as not talking, I’d like to invite you to think about something. As long as you don’t create closure for yourself, the door stays open. I imagine there is some part of you that still hopes he contact you. By letting the door stay open, it allows your spirit, as well as his spirit to stay connected in a really uncomfortable way. Creating an ending allows FULL healing to happen. Besides, you have wanted him to communicate and be honest with you this whole time. What would stop you from providing that to him? So you can simply say something like, “Listen…it seems something has shifted enough that our dynamic isn’t quite the same anymore. It makes me so sad, however I have to honor what is. With that being said, I would like to close the door on this experience. If you would like to talk about this in person, I am more than willing. If not, I understand and will honor that. You won’t be hearing from me anymore. I wish the very best for you and your sweet girl!! Take care.”
Can you say something like that? If not, I imagine you are still holding onto some hope and possibility that he might turn a corner and re-connect again. Either way, when you are ready to let go of all possibilities, it’s important you create closure for yourself. That’s the final layer that needs to happen for healing.
Heidi
Hi Alla,
Welcome! Thank you for being here and sharing your challenge. I am soooo sorry for what you are going through. It is devastating to find out your home, your dreams, your life could potentially all fall apart. It doesn’t sound like you are happy either, with the way the marriage has been for awhile.
So let me ask you this. How do you feel about him? I know you love him, but do you want more sex with him? Do you like him as a person? Are you madly in love with him right now? Or do you feel more complacent in the relationship? What are your thoughts and feelings about your relationship and how you guys have been functioning for awhile?
Is there any possibility of getting marriage counseling? It sounds like there might be things that need to be worked through together. Having a 3rd party is crucial for that.
His relationship with this female employee is definitely suspect. It sounds like he is being quite inappropriate and possibly cheating. My guess is, a lot of his energy and needs are being met through her, therefore he is losing more and more interest at home.
Does his job require him to work these loooong hours every single day? I gotta tell ya, if he is just never home, then how is he ever going to be a great father, a great a husband, a great anything? When work consumes that much time, it’s a problem. It might be time to re-design. He can work less and maybe you go back to work part time to make up the income. At least that way, he has less pressure and he can be home more.
You say you want to get him back, but remember that he is part of the problem. Just because he has lost interest, doesn’t mean it’s because of you. It sounds like you guys have been more like “roommates” for quite awhile now and he is just the one to finally speak up and say he is not wanting that design anymore. That means you guys need some help navigating through all the thoughts and feelings that have been buried for awhile. This isn’t just about you getting him back, it’s about changing the relationship to something more healthy and vibrant and that takes 2 people. He needs to change along with you.
The first place I would start is being that he mentioned he doesn’t feel appreciated, you start appreciating him every single day. You find something you are thankful for, that he does. You say it from the heart and you look him in the eyes when you say it. He needs to feel your gratitude and he needs to feel valued in your life. I also would ask him to be more specific about feeling appreciated. You said you thought you were doing that, but for some reason it’s not landing into his psyche. So ask him what kind of appreciation does he need. Maybe he is thinking about something specific that you don’t know about. I would just inquire more and see if you can get more information about what he means. Give him examples of when you HAVE appreciated him and ask, “Is this what you are needing more of?” OR…you can skip the conversation entirely and just start appreciating him and see if it helps. Use the hero instinct method as well. Create situations where he can help you with something and then thank him BIG time for being your “hero” so to speak.
Make sense?
Heidi
Hi Melinda!
This is great to hear! I am so glad you are finding your center again! You have started the process of moving your energy and connecting to yourself which is so great! It only gets better from here.
Have you decided what to do? Are you going to have a conversation and create an ending with this guy? Are you going to wait a little longer and see if he starts responding more? Not sure?
As far as the date, it’s up to you. You have to decide what you want to invite in your life. If you are not sure you are emotionally available, then that’s something to really consider, at least for right now. This guy you have been dating, has taken you on a ride, even though he isn’t really emotionally available and it hurts. You wish he had told you from the beginning. So I imagine you would not want to turn around and do the same thing to this new guy. He has been asking you out for awhile now, so that means he really likes you and would be over the moon to go on a date with you. He would have big hopes for something to happen…even if it’s just a 2nd date. So maybe closing the door and healing from your current guy is a good idea before going on another date. It’s your design though. Just giving you some thoughts.
Heidi
Hi Melinda!
I hope your therapy session helps you move some of that energy right now. It completely sucks to be in the muck of rejection and hurt. It’s awful and it always will. I have no doubt though, you will get to the other side in no time. You are a resilient spirit and will not accept anything less than the very best for your life.
As far as going out on that date…are you actually interested? You said he’s been asking you out for awhile. Something was causing you not to say yes before, so has something changed for you?
Heidi
Hi Nancy!
You are really wonderful! I love how receptive and honest you are about all of this. That actually just shows how courageous and strong you are. So many people are not willing to really look at themselves and then take action on what they need to do for healing. You rock! Well done! We definitely wanted to stay connected and hear about what you end up creating for yourself.
Here is another thing you can begin to work on. It’s called the non-negotiable list. It’s a list of qualities you HAVE TO HAVE in a partner. These are qualities that you KNOW, beyond a doubt, that need to exist in the relationship or you will not survive it. It’s the foundation that everything else is built off of. It’s a work in progress as well and I want to encourage you to even experiment with this list. Here is an example of some of the things on my list.
1. Romantic
2. Active
3. High emotional intelligence
4. Spiritual and has a strong desire to grow and expand this area of his life
5. Kind and respectful even in his worst moments of painSo these are things I will never settle without. If he was super wonderful and only had 1-4 on that list and was missing 5, I would walk away. I cannot and will not ever accept someone treating me in a disrespectful, mean or harmful way, just because they are hurt. So…I know that missing #5 would break the relationship. Make sense?
Now when you go test out your list, you try all of these things on. For example, I used to have athletic, not active. I used to believe that I couldn’t date a guy who wasn’t athletic. I am an athlete and love to play all kinds of sports. If he were athletic, I hit the jack pot, but what I discovered was MOST important to me, was that he was active. So I dated different guys who weren’t athletes, but they worked out, they would go on hikes with me, we could go on bike rides together etc. and it was totally fine! So I switched it up and put active instead of athletic. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing all of this! You ask some great questions!
I want to encourage you to slow down quite a bit. You are just getting to know him in a romantic way and as a partner. I know you have known him for a few years already, but romance is a completely different category…which means, you barely know him. You want something more serious with him and you can see yourself with him, yet you haven’t even been able to spend time with him outside of a room. You guys have only been having sex and that’s it. Slow down your speed and be more cautious with your heart. Your heart is so valuable and sacred! You need to spend some regular time with this guy and have normal, couple experiences to know what he is really like. You don’t know what he like when he is angry. You don’t know what he is like when you really hurt his feelings. You don’t know what he is like around your kids. You don’t know how he handles his fears. All of these things are CRUCIAL pieces of the puzzle that can make or break a relationship. Even though you can see yourself with him, make sure there is time and experience with him to really be able to KNOW that.
And that’s the challenge here. You guys can’t really go out in public. You are getting to know each other in a room, sexually. This doesn’t allow for a healthy development of a relationship. You are not divorced yet either, so that is something that is really important to have closure on. Divorce has many layers to it and I can’t tell you how many times I have worked with people who feel totally great about their divorce, until the moment where it’s official. Allow yourself the time and space for ALL your feelings to come up, as they need to about your divorce. It’s usually recommended to not date for awhile, so you create space to deal with everything. I know that is not what you want right now nor will choose, but I do want to encourage you to slow down. Allow your divorce to become final and then maybe you guys can start to get out on the town and go be a couple in public. You know you match sexually, but you don’t know you match in the other areas of life. Give it time!
When does your divorce become final?
Heidi
Hi Carolyn,
Shoot! No, we didn’t receive any other posts from you. I hope that maybe you saved them and can just copy and paste.
I know you want him back. It hurts not to have him in your life. It’s been almost 2 years and it’s hard to give you guidance when we don’t know more details.
The guidance I always give though, regardless of the situation, is that it is sooooo important and crucial for you to feel happy and fulfilled, even if he doesn’t come back. If you are still suffering after 2 years, with him not being in your life, then I want to encourage you to work on healing your very precious and valuable broken heart. It’s possible and it’s actually one of the key ingredients to getting someone back. I know it sounds strange, but when your happiness is so intertwined with a man, to the point that you don’t feel complete and whole without him, that is a very “needy” type of energy. Men DO NOT like that energy at all. They respond to women who feel whole and complete and happy WITHOUT them. They need to know their woman is strong on the inside and they do not want to be responsible for her happiness. They want to contribute, but they don’t want to feel like their woman would fall apart if they weren’t around.
So with that being said, where would you put yourself? Are you feeling you can’t be happy without him? Have you made efforts to move and meet someone else? Can you imagine being happy and in love with someone else?
Heidi
Hi NM,
I’m glad you are looking back and seeing some red flags about him. Age has NOTHING to do with maturity actually. If you think about it, the older a person gets, the more time bad habits, fears, anxieties can become more and more a part of their lives, because they have lived longer and have more experiences. I know sooooo many “older” people who are really messed up because they never dealt with their issues…so those issues just become like clothes they wear every single day and that will always affect and impact their interactions with people. They are far from emotional maturity. So you just happened to come across a guy who isn’t really dealing with his issues. He made up his mind about you and he has made up his mind about what he is willing to deal with and the thing is, he gets to do that.
I would not suggest to write a letter and send it. Writing letters can be super healing, but instead, burn it or tear it up and release it! It actually is really helpful that way! It is not your job or place to hold him accountable to his behavior. You do not have that kind of relationship anymore. At this point, anything you would say about his behavior will just remind him how glad he is that cut things off with you. Someone has to be interested in what you have to say, if you are going to confront them. He has to care about how you feel, he has to WANT to know your thoughts, he has to have an investment in you, in order for him to listen about how he is affecting you. He is none of that.
I suggest you write many letters, let your anger and hurt out on paper and then release them and forgive him for being so cold and disconnected. It hurts, but it’s not HIS job to make you feel better. It’s your job to heal yourself. It’s your job to take care of your own emotions and feelings and not reach out to others to do it for you. This is really something I want to encourage you to do. You keep wanting the guy to take care of you emotionally, in various ways. As long as that is your mindset, relationship will always be very hard for you, unfulfilling and a rollercoaster ride. You are literally handing your power over to them and saying, “Here, you tell me my worth and you tell me that I’m good enough.” You want them to do for you, what you are not willing to do for yourself. This is a perfect time for you to start to do things differently and start to take back your power. He has hurt you, now take back your power and find out you can forgive, you can heal and you can move on, without needing him to do a darn thing for you. He doesn’t need to apologize, he doesn’t need to feel bad about how he did this, he doesn’t even need to acknowledge that he hurt you, in order for you to heal. You can do this all on your own!
Thoughts?
Heidi
