Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Melinda,
What I appreciate about you most Melinda, is your honest reactions. Nothing to apologize for! Your reactions are a reflective of me and how I am coaching…whether it’s effective or not. I can understand how what I said would not have been the best thing to read while already feeling down and those are things I need to be connected to and aware. So I appreciate you and your strength to just be authentic here!
You are just taking 1 day at a time, which sometimes I think, is one of the most effective things you can do. I know that when I am loaded up with just enough emotional intensity, it can trigger me into release. It can take me to that place where I throw my hands up in the air and just say “Whatever…I let this go. What will be will be.” Surrender. It feels good in a way. Your book / wine day sounds like absolute perfection!!! I’m glad you did that and most of all, fully embraced it!
I’m so curious as to how the date went????
Heidi
Hi Vino,
It sounds like you are clear about what you can expect from him and it sounds like you are comfortable just being friends. Is that correct? Do you have a mindset of opening your heart to someone else?
You sound peaceful and resolved…this must feel so good for you!
Heidi
Hey there!
I wanted to check in, as it’s been about a week since your last post. I’m sorry neither of us responded. Sometimes we miss things, so it’s always okay to write another post asking for a response. It gets our attention.
What’s the update? Did you end up meeting???
Heidi
HI Christina,
Communication and being vulnerable with our feelings is so difficult, especially if you were not taught to be open and honest growing up.
I imagine that despite what your words were to him, he knows what is true for you deep inside. You did say he seemed to know how you were feeling, even when you didn’t say anything.
He is owning the fact that the relationship cannot continue in that fashion. I imagine him not wanting to connect with you was in part, because he knows what is REALLY going on inside for you and how unhappy you are. A man CANNOT deal with his woman being unhappy. That is why it is soooo crucial for us ladies to be VERY diligent about taking care of ourselves. When you say that you miss him and you are sad that you can’t see him, there are 2 kinds of energy that will fuel that statement. It’s either a “I’m sad and I miss you, but I am totally okay with missing you and it’s all good” OR “I’m sad and I miss you and I don’t know how to be happy and feel good in my life unless I see you or talk to you more.” My guess is, the energy you are putting out is option #2. You don’t feel like a priority in his life and that is going to leak out in everything you say and feel and he most likely is picking up on that energy, more than anything. Truth is, you are NOT a priority and you shouldn’t be. He is getting his life together and setting up his foundation. That is the priority. He needs a woman who can be okay with that, at least for awhile.
Of course there are things he is doing to contribute to this scenario, as this is not all about you. But I want to encourage you to really look at your challenges of communication. When you bottle things up, you create a BIG traffic jam. I know you know this though. Understanding that, doesn’t necessarily change the behavior. Maybe it’s time for you to really do some deep dive work on your fear around communication. This is the #1 or #2 reason why people get divorced or breakup. Being a good, healthy communicator is a skill as well. It’s more than just removing the blocks from communicating, it’s also learning what is effective and helpful vs. harmful. Until you really work on shifting this challenge you have, your odds of having a sustainable relationship are really low. Is this something you are willing to work on more intensely and shift? I imagine this would make a big difference in getting your guy back.
Here is a great video on vulnerability
Heidi
Hi Candi,
You have been through a lot in your life and you have learned how to be very resilient. You are quite the survivor.
I do want to help you understand something about yourself. We ALL have low self esteem. There is not a human being alive that doesn’t have low self esteem. It’s just part of what it means to be human and it will be with us, until the day we die. Our low self esteem, our choices we make that bring stress into our lives, our lack of self love all get really exposed in the area of romance. The kind of people we choose to let into our inner world, really reflect how we feel about ourselves, more than anything.
Let’s look at what you are choosing here. You say you wanted love and companionship, but you are not receiving any of that. You are purposefully choosing to stay in a relationship that is toxic and causes you an incredible amount of hurt and stress. Of course you can deal with it though. Your life has been hard since you were little. So I’m curious. What would stop you from choosing something different? What would stop you from choosing a peaceful life? It seems you are staying in the marriage more out of spite or trying to “prove” or trying to “win.” It doesn’t sound or feel like you love him either. And that’s okay! How in the world can you love someone who makes you feel so discarded, unimportant and irrelevant?? What is making you hold onto this relationship so tightly? Maybe you are not really interested in having a healthy relationship at this point. Maybe your motives are just to have a house over your head and to not to be alone. It sounds like you have accomplished that already!
Where I’m a little confused is you want more understanding about him. He is a narcissist and you know this. What more information do you need to understand him? What are you hoping to accomplish with deeper understanding about him? Were you hoping that if you understood more about him, that you could try to change how the relationship is??
It’s clear you are very unhappy. The only control you truly have over that, is with yourself. If you keep focusing on HIS behavior, you will be miserable for the rest of your life. Why not focus on your behavior? Why not focus on how YOU can become a better partner? Why not focus on what you can do to love yourself more and nourish yourself more, since he isn’t going to be doing that. You, of course, are starving for connection and living in a mine field. You don’t get to relax and just be yourself. You are resorting to needing to constantly manipulate every single situation so a bomb doesn’t go off. How long are you willing to live this way?
Narcissists LOVE being the hero by the way. When you complement them, when you appreciate them and have gratitude for what they are doing for you, it really can help create some sort of connection. Maybe try that out for a few weeks and see what happens. There are a TON of books and TED talks and youtube videos on narcissists and how to handle them.
I think what matters most here Candi, is what do YOU want out of your life? What kind of love do you truly desire to have? How do you want to spend each day?? In survival and constantly manipulating or do you want to feel peaceful and happy and supported? You get to choose.
Heidi
Hi Melinda,
It seems that what I said brought up some defensiveness for you. That’s the last thing I want to do! My goal is always to try to expose things for you that you may not be connected to or aware of so that maybe it can help you get more connected to what is influencing you from your subconscious. Everything I suggested would be coming from a subconscious place and not anything you would be consciously aware of. Somewhere around 80% of our subconscious is influencing how we do things and handle situations. It’s crazy how much we end up making decisions from beliefs and desires that we don’t even know are there. It’s okay if you don’t align with any of it. It doesn’t really matter at this point. The reality is, you are just not ready to break up. Despite his behavior, he is someone you are still wanting to fight for and hold onto and that’s okay. When you are aligned and ready to let go, you will make it happen and nothing will stand in the way of that.
It’s all redundant, but it always is! It’s how us ladies process and we don’t mind it at all! Keep writing, even if it’s just vent. I know you are working through it. I have no doubt that you will figure this out at some point, whether you break it off or decide to fully invest again. In either direction, you will gather more information needed for whatever is next.
Heidi
Hi Melinda,
It’s all okay! There are dynamics here, exposing you to some deep subconscious beliefs. That’s why dating is soooo great! It shows where we are split. It shows who is in the driver’s seat. Your adult is definitely NOT in the driver’s seat with this guy. You want to run and disappear and you have all kinds of reasons why things aren’t able to happen. Truth is, if your VERY STRONG and CLEAR adult were in charge, this would have been taken care of long ago and NOTHING would have gotten in the way of what needed to happen. Instead, your little girl is in the driver’s seat. And that’s okay! It’s a journey of figuring out how to heal her, release the hurt and get her in the back seat, with her seatbelt on, so the adult can be the one making decisions. I wish that were a quick fix, but wherever we are REALLY wounded, it takes a lot more time. I’m not surprised you are responding the way you are. Your little girl is mad. Going on a date with another guy is a great way to kind of say “F*^% you” in a round about way. Making it a rule to breakup in person, yet you have seen him and not following through. Wanting to just ghost and slowly drift away instead of using your voice and creating a purposeful ending, is your little girl being passive aggressive. All of these things are wonderful gifts to let you know where your wounds live.
I’m sure you know all of this already. Be kind to yourself as you traverse this difficult terrain!
Heidi
Hi Desma,
It sounds like you are taking all of this in stride and going with the flow really well. Good job! I love that you are looking at yourself and working on specific things that can help you become a better partner / person. It great that you are communicating all of this to him as well. It is SUPER helpful when your partner SEES that you are taking action vs. just saying sorry and owning your side of things. Sorry’s only get you so far.
Maybe just ask him 1 question. “What is 1 thing about our relationship that has really been a challenge for you?” I think some of what is missing here, is the lack of information you have about what is going on for him. The thing is, no matter how hard you work or shift yourself, he needs to do the same if things are going to change and shift. I have no doubt he is dealing with A LOT as he deals with the loss of his parents. It sounds like he is in quite the trigger and more in survival mode than anything…which means he doesn’t have much to offer you as a partner. It doesn’t sound like he has a very good skillset to deal with whatever is triggering him into retreat. Hopefully this time apart can help him find himself and you are doing such a great job giving him the space he needs. That is one of the most important things!
When he comes over for the holidays, keep things light and fun and happy. Don’t talk about your relationship, but feel free to ask if there is anything you can do to support him better. Make it about “him” and not “us” and just have some fun together. I have no doubt he needs to have some fun. That can be healing! Maybe include some thing you all have never done before, like playing certain games, going and doing something together you never have before, decorating cookies together, have a food fight lol! You get my drift.
Thoughts?
HEidi
Hi Rhonda,
Every single guy is different, so if you asking all these different questions is working, then great! Have at it! When it comes to getting to know someone through technology, I coach people to keep it super light, fun and go very slow. Ask simple questions and stick to 1 – 2 topics per conversation. My main reasoning is this: If you end up asking a million questions over technology, your psyche ends up being fooled into thinking those questions have actually been answered. Even though they have, it’s through technology. Being in person, is a completely different experience and allows for so much more depth right? So if you stick to just a few topics until you meet, THEN you can open the gates more and be able to talk about several things, while being able to dig deeper into each subject. On technology, people mostly give summarized, short answers. So the mindset I encourage is to ask just enough questions to see if there is interest in meeting in person, and then meet in person sooner than later…I personally don’t ask questions that have the potential to go deeper unless I’m in person. I tend to steer away from questions about how they are “feeling” about something, as I want to SEE and HEAR their responses instead of reading a quick answer. I think one of the biggest challenges about online dating and technology in general, is that we actually are comfortable getting to know each other through this platform. It’s not reality. I am always amazed at how many people share serious feelings, confront their partner, have arguments all over email/text. With online dating, we end up coaching a large amount of women who feel like they have fallen in love with a guy they have never even met in person. Just something to think about, not a rule to follow, by any means. So if it is working with this guy, then no need to change anything!! Everybody is different!
The other times you have copied us on messages you sent, both Kanya and I pointed out how you beat yourself up in very indirect ways. You might have anywhere from 3-4 comments you make that show where your low self esteem lives. Most people not trained in human behavior would ever pick up on it, but the person reading it will have some kind of reaction to those statements, even if they don’t understand it or are even aware of it. Just like your subconscious is influencing what you say in your messages, their subconscious will have reactions to it. It really is fascinating and still to this day amazes me with how much we are all influenced and design our lives mostly from a part of ourselves we are not even aware of. It’s crazy!I’m glad you are getting out of there. To have to spend every day around someone who is unpredictable and who you don’t feel emotionally safe around, is awful. Sending so much goodness in your direction for a new job to come your way that lights up your world and nourishes the crap out of you!!!
Heidi
It looks like what we call here a chef’s board or a cheese board. Just meets / fruits / nuts / crackers and cubed cheeses. The melted cheese look fabulous!!!
I just looked it up and saw it’s a swiss dish and the traditional form is over potatoes, but it’s basically melted cheese over veggies or meets. We have fondue restaurants, which I’m sure you guys do to, which would be very similar.
Thanks for sharing! It’s is the perfect season for it right now!
Heidi
It looks like what we call here a chef’s board or a cheese board. Just meets / fruits / nuts / crackers and cubed cheeses. The melted cheese look fabulous!!!
I just looked it up and saw it’s a swiss dish and the traditional form is over potatoes, but it’s basically melted cheese over veggies or meets. We have fondue restaurants, which I’m sure you guys do to, which would be very similar.
Thanks for sharing! It’s is the perfect season for it right now!
Heidi
Hi Desma,
Welcome! We are glad you are here!
This is an interesting situation. First, I’m wondering why you believe he has no interest? You guys just spent the night at a hotel and had sex 3x. He was the first one to say I love you. That, in and of itself, tells me there is something that exists. I know he doesn’t initiate contact and that is just plain hurtful.
I’m wondering if you can share more detail. I understand him need to move in with his parents, but what I’m not understand is him saying he needs to fall in love with you again. Can you share more details about that? Did he express anything specific about how and why he is unhappy in the marriage? Is there anything consistent over the years that he complained about? Is there a common type of argument you guys would have? Before he said this to you, I know you were shocked, but can you look back now and maybe see where he started to drift away from you? Did you like your marriage? Did it feel like you both were happy? or maybe complacent? When you stayed at the hotel, did it seem like you guys were really connected? Did the sex feel like it was more than just sex?
It’s hard to guide you in any specific direction without understanding what is REALLY happening here.
Looking forward to hearing form you!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!
I’m wondering…how come you are coming across different in your emails / messages than you would in person? In person, would you ask 5 questions in a row before they had a chance to answer? Would you have 4 different subjects going on all at once? The pattern I keep seeing with you is….who you are inside and what you know, is different than how you present yourself in messages with men. You are a strong, confident woman but then say statements like “don’t let my age fool you” or something like “thank you for your compliments. I tend to get a lot of negative responses.” You say you are quiet and can barely get a word in edgewise, yet in this last message, you ask soooo many questions that it’s overwhelming. It almost feels like when you are messaging a guy, you are more concerned about trying to catch his attention or trying to impress him, that you end up over extending or over reaching or over convincing. I’m not sure I am explaining this correctly and I may be totally off the mark. So you tell me…how are you feeling about yourself when you are writing these messages? Are you feeling centered and ground and like a super catch and a bad ass woman or do you have more of a sense of your insecurities and some of your low self esteem? Does this make sense what I am asking?
As far as your job, you have already said several times…God is good! Keep breathing each day and remind yourself….”Don’t be afraid of tomorrow, for God is already there!” You are covered Rhonda. All that is going to happen in the next chapter of your life, will be revealed at the best time for you. In the meantime, your boss sounds pretty awful, but is giving you great practice for choosing forgiveness for someone who is really yucky and harmful. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that! Thank goodness there is something new waiting for you!!!!
Heidi
This sounds the most balanced and fun of everything you have ever mentioned!!! Yaaaahooooooo!
Okay…I don’t know what “raclette” is, but anything with a lot of cheese on it, has to be delicious! I’m gonna look it up!
Heidi
Hi Candi,
You are quite aware and that is great. It sounds like you have quite the history of feeling alone in your life. Maybe that is why you are comfortable enough to stay in a relationship where you feel alone. As much as it hurts, it’s still a place you are familiar with, right?
So what I am wondering next is this…you say you don’t know how to approach or deal with this personality of his. Let’s say you did know how to deal with this personality. What exactly would you expect to happen with this knowledge you had about how to deal with this personality? What do you think or believe might change or be different with this knowledge?
My other question is this…this relationship is serving you, or you wouldn’t be in it. Despite how much you feel ignored and hurt by his choices and behaviors, what are you getting out of this? But in answering this, look at it from the viewpoint of how this hurt and suffering is serving you somehow. I’m not looking for the good stuff here. I’m looking for something deeper. For example, maybe this suffering or feeling of irrelevance serves you by keeping you limited and in your low self esteem. That is helpful for you because that means you don’t really have to fight super hard for your dreams, because you are actually terrified of shooting for greatness only to end up failing. So if you stay in a low vibration, abusive relationship, you never have to face feeling like a failure in other areas of your life (btw….I totally just made that up to use as an example). Bottom line is, our pain and suffering does serve a purpose for us. It helps us avoid things, it helps us stay in victim mentality which keeps us trapped, it’s helps us continue to blame others instead of ourselves…the list is a mile long with how our pain serves us. Whatever those reasons are, they are stronger than your need for a healthy relationship and to be treated well. Do you understand my question??
Heidi
